if i keep holding my breath, i'm going to disappear [entries|friends|calendar] i'd rather be dead than cool We cheer with every bomb blast ripping through every village. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

There are songs that will beg to keep your heart.... [12 Oct 2008|09:30am] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | The Loved Ones ] #000ivelostcount it's kind of fun to dig through "old" cd's just looking for some lyrics to relate to, and remember why you liked them in the first place. it's interesting trying to relate yourself to your former yourself and then a little disappointing and simultaneously reassuring to realize everything constantly runs in cycles. i'm listening to songs that make me think about riding in the front seat of an old '97 conversion van with an atlas in one hand and a sidekick in the other; a booklet of 500 cd's laying beside me on the floor and five guys full of heart singing along to 90's hardcore bands with no relevance to anyone but us (especially none to the kids who would come...or not come...see us that night). i'm thinking about playing on a tile floor, that is right above a seafood packing company, in a "venue" that had it not been full of 400 teenagers screaming "one more song" would have smelled so bad i wanted to throw up. i'm thinking about walking through a graveyard in connecticut just because that happened to be the most interesting thing to do on a day-off with two guys who had too much to say and never seemed to have enough ways to say it. remember the kids in rock springs fighting for the mic? remember the kids in harrisonburg singing louder than we could play "throwing stones"? remember going to see boy sets fire and the international noise conspiracy and at the drive-in and afi and singing their songs with every last breath we had in our lungs? and now it seems like everyone wants to (to quote a very young Rise Against) "take the passion in my blood and tear it down to black and white." Well, fuck that. (And hey....this is just for you. Wherever you are right now. Remember when you bought me tickets to see AFI/Good Riddance? And your parents took us, and I lost my ticket? You walked with me all around to find it....you didn't even get mad. Then we found it in the gutter, anyways. And how awesome was that show? One of the best birthday presents I've ever gotten, to this very day. We discovered At the Drive-In that night. Remember when we walked after school to the office Hopeless Records just because we wanted to be involved so badly? You were always an amazing friend. And I don't know what to say or what to feel because it has been so long...but just know that a million great memories of mine have you written all over them. And I will always remember.) actions of passion

Calling all skeletons.... [18 Jul 2008|03:38am] [ mood | incomplete ] [ music | Alkaline Trio ] Entry #00864 I am coveting compliments like covert conversations kept in capsized cathedrals of the mind. Every single word like a breath whispered softly in my ear at exactly the right moment- the moment where time and space coincide to make one single phrase sound like the prettiest song you've ever heard. I am putting them away in a place that is all mine, where I can recollect them and count them and play them back and close my eyes and feel my body bathed in tangible forms of every time I cross your mind. I don't think there is any greater form of self-comfort than self-questioning. But when in doubt, those few extra syllables really help. 1 ♥ actions of passion

If you forgot how to feel, reach inside your chest.... [23 Jun 2008|12:52am] [ music | And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead... ] Entry #00862 I was laying down on this slide- a spiraling, yellow piece of plastic that has a big sign on it letting you know that it was designed for 2-5 year olds. Anyways, I was laying on it and listening to the sounds of the park. A few crickets, the soft hum of the lights, the rustling of the sorry excuse for foliage, and even the deadening silence of 95 degree heat at 11:00pm. Welcome to the sprawling urban desert, I guess. I digress: If I was going to make a film, it would look like that. Not the opening credits or anything, but some scene of solitude and thought. The entire soundtrack of the film is already planned out in my head. And to me, this movie I'll never make feels like my life. Sometimes (a lot of the time?) it feels like I am watching my life from the perspective of an outsider. Like I am a telefoto lens on a telescoping boom arm, operated by some motivations that I cannot even begin to comprehend. I am following myself around and going through the motions together with myself- feeling the heavy steps, feeling the cold air in my lungs, feeling the adrenaline and the anxiety alike. The movie is filled with music- random songs with words that are either too obvious, or so disconnected yet relevant that you're going to have to make wrong assumptions. And that is like my real life, because it feels like whenever I need to say something important or am digging inside myself for answers, all that comes up is song after song after song. My brain, the jukebox; creator of the soundtrack of my life. What does it sound like? 1 ♥ actions of passion

Three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy... [03 Jun 2008|10:30pm] [ mood | gratefull ] [ music | My Chemical Romance ] Entry #00860 It is almost humorous how attached we become to the things we own; how it can feel like a piece of your soul is missing when things are lost. Maybe, deep down, it is the invasion of your privacy that really scratches at you from the inside out. For a few nights now I have been waking up from dreams of being robbed- people threatening me and taking the things that I hold so dear. And one bad situation often makes you think of others- a whirlwind of "what if's" and "what would I do?'s". If you do not know, someone stole my band's van with all of our equipment inside of it. Besides the fact that nearly every dollar I have earned in the past..god knows how long...has been put into purchasing musical equipment, it feels like the tools of my passion are gone. But on the other hand, the passion is not. The anger, the shock, the sadness...they all are being transferred into other feelings: inspiration, appreciation for what I do have, motivation, and, oddly enough, thankfullness. Since this has happened to us, people's true characters have truly been shown. I feel very gratefull to be a part of a community of people who care enough to try and help eachother out when someone is down and out. It is truly incredible the amount of help that has been offered to us- even in the simplest form of apologies. And I am reminded why I always believe in people unless given a reason not to- because there is good in everyone. What does not kill you, will only make you stronger. Our band is going to be an impenetrable fortress, mother fuckers. And then there are those eyes. And the smiles. The murmurs. The slurs. The warmth of not being alone. It is comfort I forgot could exist- feelings I forgot that I could have. This could be a lot worse; I could be a complete mess right now. But I am not. In fact, I feel good. Everything in it's right place. actions of passion

You don't bowl, or race fast cars.... [25 May 2008|11:49pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Joey Cape ] Entry #00859 If I can say everything, then let's say it all. I made a promise and I intend to keep it...but how different for me. A victin of my own thoughts. A simple explanation: I refuse to settle. Nothing but the best is good enough for me, and I can be disappointed if I want to; in myself, in the way things pan out, in the most insignificant of details. I want to be so much more- always. When you are feeling the happiest, the stings sting even worse. My emotions are heightened, and everything has become even more significant. Clearly, it is worth it because the numbness is so unattractive to me. Bring it on. Just bring the proof. And show me those eyes. actions of passion

Where no one knows... [13 May 2008|12:38am] [ mood | antsy ] [ music | Led Zeppelin ] Entry #00858 And it just goes and goes and goes. Everything twirls around...like water going down the bathtub drain when you were five, or a twister ripping through the scattered midwest towns. It twists and turns and tries to take out everything I enjoy. But aha! I am smarter this time. The self-assurance and self-reliance have been built up in ample supply and I can beat myself at my own games. Well, I have to. I need to prove this to myself. Believe: "I'm not going anywhere." Go hard or go home. Rock n roll. actions of passion

And giving up is getting old.... [06 May 2008|01:53am] [ music | Vaux ] Entry #00857 The worry is kind of like that drip down the back of your throat during a head cold. It's not really painfull, and you can forget about it for a while if properly distracted. But suddenly, and constantly, it's still there. Dripping. Nagging. Just get out of my head. Come what may. The best way to lose something, is to be afraid you are going to lose it. I find it a lot easier to be carefree about the things which I do not care about. Now that I care, that drip is back. So, why can't I just let go a little in order to make sure that I hang on? Patience was never my thing. I'm trying to employ that power now, though. Just don't let the patterns repeat, and everything should end up being better than I could have ever imagined. The possibilities are amazing. actions of passion

Standing on broken glass.... [08 Apr 2008|05:35pm] [ music | Buckcherry ] Entry #00856 For the first time, I really, truly have learned to rely on completely on myself. There have been points in my life before when I thought I felt this way, but there will still crutches of comfort to fall back on if need be. I was telling a new friend some stories about the past couple years....everything that has happened...and when I look back on everything as a series of events, it all feels like it has been leading up to the now. I have my very first apartment all to myself. And I am making enough money at work to pay for the place, and a modest amount of everything I want to fill it. Fortunately, I have made some of the best friends I have ever had and met some of my favorite people since moving here. And it seems like I am meeting new amazing people nearly every week. A lot of my situational social anxieties are almost completely under control- I can go out and feel confident about having a good time anytime I please! The music is feeling amazing as well. The rockstar dreams are alive and well, burning bright. I feel like I am writing some of the best songs I've ever been a part of. All in all, I am feeling great. And everyday I am better learning to fill all of my voids on my own. actions of passion

Read me like an open book... [22 Jan 2008|11:40am] [ mood | restless ] [ music | Counting Crows ] Entry #00855 I have come to an interesting conclusion; had a realization of sorts: It is much easier to live in the moment- seemingly, mostly carefree- when the moments are meaningless in the end. Not to say that every moment does not have meaning....but some moments of your life will undoubtedly stand out as much more significant than others. Anyways, I am getting off track. So, all of a sudden I am reminded of the way certain things can feel. And certain moments become engraved in my soul. Then they are over, naturally. And, as usual, I have trouble letting go of them. I want it to be like that all of the time. This leaves me completely frustrated with myself. But really....I can do this. Just like I can do anything else. It's not like my confidence is shaken or my determination skewed. Questioning yourself and having a few challenges along the way are preferred anyways. And I have been paid a few incredible compliments as of late- the kind that make you feel proud and embarassed at the same time. The kind that I will never forget. actions of passion

Fix your face.... [13 Dec 2007|11:39am] [ mood | a-ok ] [ music | Dillinger Escape Plan ] Entry #00854 1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? went to montana (only 5 more states to go!). partied in multiple hotel rooms. bought a guitar on tour. went swimming in a river. didn't go to one single dodgers game. lived in a state that wasn't "home" for a whole year. 2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i don't make new years resolutions. i want to become a better person every day of every year....i do not need a calendar to help me remember that. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? nope 4. Did anyone close to you die? not this year 5. What countries did you visit? um....none? just about half of this one. 6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? a little stabilization....but not too much. a girlfriend...but not just for the sake of it....one that i really adore and respect, and vice versa. a good tour. 7. What date in 2007 will be etched upon your memory, and why? no single date really stands out in my mind, honestly. some very good times...but no singular date. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? recording an album. making a strong, strong network of friends in vegas. become much more self-confident, and self-reliant. 9. What was your biggest failure? tours. but all your failures are just training grounds...i dont really view those tours as failures at all. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? last weekend i smashed my face falling off a treadmill. that's about it, really. 11. What was the best thing you bought? my 1978 les paul special. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my own, i do believe. my brother for moving out and getting accepted to ucla. bryan lorenzo for manning up and taking care of tons of shit. kirk moll for believing in us. fletch for breaking away and having success. 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? my own, mostly. haha. 14. Where did most of your money go? this black hole called rock n roll. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? emily visiting, shows, our cd coming out, tour, lilly visiting, chelle visiting, tgi fridays haha 16. What song will always remind you of 2007? umrella- rhiannon thrash unreal- against me! so far- buckcherry neighbors- the academy is.... 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? happier, i do believe! ii. thinner or fatter? probably a little fatter. yessss! iii. richer or poorer? richer. 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? nothing. i am content with the way i spent my time. 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? same answer as above 20. How will you be spending Christmas? um....no idea. hopefully at someone else's house eating a christmas dinner? hopefully not like thanksgiving! 22. Did you fall in love in 2007? i did not. but i did endlessly question if i even could, ever again. 23. How many one night stands? none! i dont have sex with girls i dont know. 24. What was your favourite TV program? um.....24. family guy. and the simpsons (watching it with tony, duh!) 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? i sure don't. no point in all that 26. What was the best book you read? i think i only read like three books. lame. the best one was "the kite runner." 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? buckcherry, bullets n octane. not many new bands!!! 28. What did you want and get? to be happier wih myself. a great group of solid friends. my own place. 29. What did you want and not get? someone to fall asleep next to. a good tour. 30. What was your favourite film of this year? um.....i dont know if i had a favorite. the best movie i watched and had not seen before was knocked up. i also enjoyed the simpsons. and all the comic book movies we went to see on opening night. 31. What did you do on your birthday? How old were you? i turned 24. i spent the first few hours driving back to vegas from bakersfield. that sucked. then i went to same party. hung out with good friends...but it wasnt a particularly great birthday. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? constantly reinventing myself to look better and better. beards and haircuts saved me, i do beleive. 34. What kept you sane? the awesome friends i made here. rock n roll. self-reliance. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? dave grohl. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? d) none of the above 37. Who did you miss? my family. many friends in other states. her. 38. Who was the best new person you met? the list is so long!!! chase, joanne, chelle, lilly, tim, brittany, kyle, kim, turdus musicus, lydia vance, broke city, jessica, michela, kathryn, tessa, mike bland, and on and on and on 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007. i learned that you have to always appreciate what you have, and never take anything in life for granted. this has helped me be a lot happier. even though i seem to relearn that lesson over and over and over again (every day of every year), i feel like i am putting it into practice better than i ever have before. 40. Quote a song lyric that sums up the year. "are you restless like me?"- against me actions of passion

But I'm still right here.... [11 Dec 2007|08:29am] [ mood | Tired ] [ music | Tool ] Entry #00853 Giving blood; keeping faith. And I'm still right here. Completely content with who I am. Satisfied with the fact that I am never satisfied with who I am. Content to know that there is civil unrest inbetween my ribs and my spine. And completely ok to be nothing but a contradiction to myself. Confident in the insecurities that dwell within my head. And comfortable in the certain of uncertainty no matter how meticulously I plan. I'm still right here. actions of passion

I can hear you now... [22 Nov 2007|02:00am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Jimmy Eat World ] Entry #00852 (skipped two....they're on myspace. ooops) When I am the most exhausted, is when I see things with the most clarity. My head is spinning from pushing myself to the limit, and yet everything seems so serene. Maybe it's a lack of energy left to worry, but the exhaustion is refreshing. I grind myself down to the bone, just to prove to myself that I can excel in anything I set my mind to. And as frustrating as it is to work and work and work and work, it is easier to find the self-satisfaction when every breathe is long, deep, and meaningful. I wan to improve with every second I am alive. I will become greatness. 1 ♥ actions of passion

If you wanna touch the sky, you must be prepared to die.... [21 Sep 2007|12:05pm] [ mood | stoked! ] [ music | Butthole Surfers ] Entry #00849 About to leave on tour again. Nothing feels better than pouring all of yourself like gasoline through a funnel into the rock n' roll machine. Can't wait to spend my days staring out the windows at mountain passes, making idle conversation with strangers at truck stops, meeting music lovers every night, and of course playing music. Staying still just simply isn't for me. Here's to great experiences and memories to come; here's to hopes and dreams as something tangible. Fuck yes! 1 ♥ actions of passion

Just another pretender.... [27 Aug 2007|12:59am] [ mood | moody ] [ music | Foo Fighters ] Entry #00848 Some moments I feel completely fresh and alive- like the world is mine for the taking. But whenever I stop to think, or just slow down for a minute...I feel old; like my time is running out. I just keep hearing the words of people I respect ringing in my ears. But yet, I've always been so focused on me....my dreams. And I just keep reminding myself that while everyone else continues on with their same friends and their same paterns, that I am chasing greatness. And sometimes chasing your dreams can get a little lonely. --------------- Good thing nobody cares, because I'm not letting anybody in. actions of passion

Everybody's cool playing rock n roll.... [21 Aug 2007|01:05am] [ mood | thinkin ] [ music | Ryan Adams ] Entry #00847 I get lost inside my own head. 1 ♥ actions of passion

I will follow you into the dark.... [18 Jul 2007|10:46pm] [ mood | worn out ] [ music | Death Cab for Cutie ] Entry #00846 Confident. Confidence. Confidant. Trying to remember what it is like to not look at everyone I meet with an air of skepticism; what it is like to have faith in people. What was that like? Better or worse? I miss having the confidence to believe in other people; the confidence to trust that they might stick around and be loyal. I miss having that one person that you can tell everything, be told everything, and never question their sincerity or motives. 1 ♥ actions of passion

Cool kids never have the time... [13 Jul 2007|09:21am] [ mood | thoughtfull ] [ music | Smashing Pumpkins ] Entry #00845 I've wanted to write for so long, but could not find the words or any sense of order to put them in. The past few weeks have been interesting ones; weeks filled with fun, frustration, inspiration, and most of all, thinking about this time last year. One year ago today, I was in Nashville, Tennessee. The plane had landed a couple days before...can't remember which day exactly. I was selling off all my belongings and signing over my storage space to an old friend from LA whom I haven't talked with since. The few friends I had left in that city wanted to take me out to eat, but instead I got my oil changed and started a nine hour drive to Tallahassee around 3pm. Drove all the way there...barely stopping at all. The first person to see me as a 23-year old doesn't speak with me anymore, and oddly enough, at the time, I could see it all coming. But I was looking for love and reassurance....just some (southern) comfort. I got it. Most of my birthday was spent sitting alone in an apartment while that comfort was at work. Then a family I barely knew took me out to dinner. I miss them all so much. A day or two later, I began driving across the country to start life over again. The weeks preceding that (to)day were spent on the road exploring a lot of the same parts of the country I spent exploring the past few weeks this year. I had conversations with my best friends that I will never forget. I played shows and did things that I already can't remember. A lot of the time was spent on the phone trying desperately to hold onto one sure thing while all my hopes and dreams were blowing up like dull fireworks in my face. Strangely enough, I can remember some of those phone calls/text messages more than I can remember the events happening around me. Some of my closest friends around the country met a shut down, rude Brian that they found unfamiliar. For that, I cannot forgive myself. So, while my new band was on tour this year, I tried to think about that last tour that I had completely erased from my memory. I was reminded how much I loved the road and this country and the mountains and the rivers and making new friends and just riding. These are things I have not spoken to anyone about in a year. The thoughts are barely escaping...I'm forcing them out because they've been stuck inside for too long. I know it's nothing profound, but when I think about this year one year from now, I want to know what was going on in my head. Well, tomorrow is my birthday again. I couldn't care less. Back to Las Vegas. Back to life. My dad said he wants his son back. I feel like a better person now than I was a year ago. But some of my favorite qualities about myself have faded away, been dulled down, or are in hiding. People say they see this scared look in my eyes, and everyone used to tell me that my eyes looked eager and excited. I've got to find ways to get all of that back; to break out of this shell that I've been locking myself in. 2 ♥ actions of passion

These bright lights... [17 Jun 2007|09:32am] I know a lot of my livejournal friends are from way back when, and live back home in LA. So, if anyone is interested....my new band is playing at the Knitting Factory one week from today. We are called The Strip. Here's a flyer. If anyone wants to come see me, that would amazing. To put this flyer on your profile, copy and paste the code below 2 ♥ actions of passion

How I've yet to be saved.... [02 Jun 2007|03:39pm] Entry #00844 Are you at peace with yourself? Tonight you are on my mind. Its your big day in.....well, I don't know exactly how many hours. But I would imagine in a couple of hours you'll be waking up and getting ready. Hopefully there is nothing but smiles for you, and everything you imagined it would be since you were a little girl. If you have found justifications for everything that happened, and found ways to accept it all in your heart, then I have much respect for you. Envy too. Because I keep asking myself, "are you at peace with yourself?" I guess if I have to ask, then I already know the answer. It would be so nice to believe the tiny little things you said the other day- it would be nice to know that you truly believed them. (Have I forgotten how to make connections with people or have I just ceased to connect?) So, I ask: Are you at peace with yourself? 1 ♥ actions of passion

Best keep your stitched lips starched in a giggle... [31 May 2007|12:42am] [ mood | thoughtfull ] [ music | At the Drive-In ] Entry #00843 Incongruent, non-cohesive, inconclusive thoughts about thinking about being stuck in my head for far too long. Solitude. How good it does feel when that simple thing is taken away from you. Almost like escaping into the mountains and breathing fresh air instead of the stale, old dust of the desert. I am scared of my family and people that I care about dying. I try not to think about it, but when the idea slips past my defense systems and gets into my head, the fear almost paralyzes me. That Brand New song that goes "Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these" makes me hope and hope and hope that I am never too far away if my family needs be there by their side. Why are so many people so overwhelmingly sad? How overwhelmingly sad is that thought alone? Inadequacy. Will I ever be good for anyone else? Will I ever be good enough for myself? Feelings. I wonder if I will ever have those again. Rhetorical questions to myself. actions of passion

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]