Nick Mamatas ([info]nihilistic_kid) wrote,
@ 2005-08-28 14:55:00
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National Weather Service Bulletin
beep beep beep...

A MOST POWERFUL HURRICANE WITH UNPRECEDENTED
STRENGTH...RIVALING THE INTENSITY OF HURRICANE CAMILLE OF 1969.

MOST OF THE AREA WILL BE UNINHABITABLE FOR WEEKS...PERHAPS LONGER. AT
LEAST ONE HALF OF WELL CONSTRUCTED HOMES WILL HAVE ROOF AND WALL
FAILURE. ALL GABLED ROOFS WILL FAIL...LEAVING THOSE HOMES SEVERELY
DAMAGED OR DESTROYED.

THE MAJORITY OF INDUSTRIAL BUILDINGS WILL BECOME NON FUNCTIONAL.
PARTIAL TO COMPLETE WALL AND ROOF FAILURE IS EXPECTED. ALL WOOD
FRAMED LOW RISING APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL BE DESTROYED. CONCRETE
BLOCK LOW RISE APARTMENTS WILL SUSTAIN MAJOR DAMAGE...INCLUDING SOME
WALL AND ROOF FAILURE.

HIGH RISE OFFICE AND APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL SWAY DANGEROUSLY...A
FEW TO THE POINT OF TOTAL COLLAPSE. ALL WINDOWS WILL BLOW OUT.

AIRBORNE DEBRIS WILL BE WIDESPREAD...AND MAY INCLUDE HEAVY ITEMS SUCH
AS HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES AND EVEN LIGHT VEHICLES. SPORT UTILITY
VEHICLES AND LIGHT TRUCKS WILL BE MOVED. THE BLOWN DEBRIS WILL CREATE
ADDITIONAL DESTRUCTION. PERSONS...PETS...AND LIVESTOCK EXPOSED TO THE
WINDS WILL FACE CERTAIN DEATH IF STRUCK.

POWER OUTAGES WILL LAST FOR WEEKS...AS MOST POWER POLES WILL BE DOWN
AND TRANSFORMERS DESTROYED. WATER SHORTAGES WILL MAKE HUMAN SUFFERING
INCREDIBLE BY MODERN STANDARDS.

THE VAST MAJORITY OF NATIVE TREES WILL BE SNAPPED OR UPROOTED. ONLY
THE HEARTIEST WILL REMAIN STANDING...BUT BE TOTALLY DEFOLIATED. FEW
CROPS WILL REMAIN. LIVESTOCK LEFT EXPOSED TO THE WINDS WILL BE
KILLED.

AN INLAND HURRICANE WIND WARNING IS ISSUED WHEN SUSTAINED WINDS NEAR
HURRICANE FORCE...OR FREQUENT GUSTS AT OR ABOVE HURRICANE FORCE...ARE
CERTAIN WITHIN THE NEXT 12 TO 24 HOURS.

ONCE TROPICAL STORM AND HURRICANE FORCE WINDS ONSET...DO NOT VENTURE
OUTSIDE!


Indeed, with all the roof and wall failures, the outside will be venturing in to you.

(Post a new comment)


[info]ketzl
2005-08-28 07:02 pm UTC (link)
That message has gotta be a hoax-- maybe NWS got hacked or something. Here's the tipoff: "THE VAST MAJORITY OF NATIVE TREES WILL BE SNAPPED OR UPROOTED". What weather service professional is going to give a shit about the difference between native and non-native foliage at a time like this? And then "WATER SHORTAGES WILL MAKE HUMAN SUFFERING
INCREDIBLE BY MODERN STANDARDS." Of course the line that really clinched it for me was "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US."

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[info]nihilistic_kid
2005-08-28 07:16 pm UTC (link)
Native trees are important for climatological narratives.

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[info]ketzl
2005-08-29 12:20 am UTC (link)
Turns out they mentioned native trees to emphasize how even foliage and trees that evolved in the region to survive storms like this will be destroyed, and used clear and alarming language to try to help people understand that they may have weathered previous hurricanes but a category 5 is a lot more serious.

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[info]st_rev
2005-08-28 08:07 pm UTC (link)
It may also be a deliberate emergency attempt on the part of NWS to convince the stubborn 'No. Really. If you do not evacuate, YOU WILL DIE.'

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[info]ketzl
2005-08-28 09:52 pm UTC (link)
You could very well be right. I hear they read the statement word for word on FoxNews.

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[info]st_rev
2005-08-28 10:23 pm UTC (link)
Well, that's one constructive thing Fox News has accomplished, then.

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[info]culturalvacuum
2005-08-28 11:25 pm UTC (link)
Agreed. Especially since if you click through starting from the actual NWS site, the bulletins for New Orleans that you find look very different.

Sometimes the Internerd does things I really don't understand. Although if they read this thing out loud on Fox News as legit, it may have been good for a few laughs at least. Of couse, if there IS a lot of human suffering tomorrow, it'll look a lot less funny . . .

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[info]ketzl
2005-08-29 12:17 am UTC (link)
OK I was wrong, I called the NWS and they confirmed it was legit, and specifically written to "parlay in clear terms the level of devastation of this storm" because people can't really comprehend how unprecedented a storm this is, and what winds of that magnitude will do to anything in its path.

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[info]st_rev
2005-08-29 02:15 am UTC (link)
Parlay?

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[info]ketzl
2005-08-29 02:19 am UTC (link)
That's what he said... like three times!

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[info]st_rev
2005-08-29 02:35 am UTC (link)
Maybe he meant 'parlez'.

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[info]mothwentbad
2005-08-28 07:04 pm UTC (link)
Huh? Something's going on in Florida?

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[info]chance88088
2005-08-28 07:18 pm UTC (link)
new orleans is not located in florida.

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[info]smeehrrr
2005-08-28 08:16 pm UTC (link)
Sounds like it might be blown there soon.

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[info]mothwentbad
2005-08-28 08:30 pm UTC (link)
The point isn't geography. The point is whimsical apathy!

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[info]gothic_oreo
2005-08-29 01:19 am UTC (link)
Looks like it is going to be a toxic soupbowl to me.

A bit on New Orleans. The majority of the population in 'the bowl' has no access to any other transportation other than public trans, and no way to really evacuate. With this storm, it will effectively be washing the bayou and riverside oil refinery products into the city. Effectively, you are going to have a walled area that has no natural drainage process full of petrochemicals and swamp critters.

Not pretty.

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[info]st_rev
2005-08-29 02:17 am UTC (link)
The petrochemicals will kill off the swamp critters, surely?

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[info]gothic_oreo
2005-08-29 04:33 am UTC (link)
The amphibians yes, but the reptiles will take a while to kill off, they are pretty hardy.

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[info]incorruptibles
2005-08-29 03:22 am UTC (link)
Well, it was going to happen eventually. I was really hoping to have a chance to visit before it got inundated. My wife and I have been joking for years -- "we'd better go before it gets destroyed!"

Um, not so funny tonight.

I wonder how much less severe the damage would be if all the wetlands south of New Orleans were still intact? I read this article in the October 2004 National Geographic, and I'm praying it doesn't actually come to pass.

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[info]rollick
2005-08-29 04:25 am UTC (link)
It looks like that press release has been removed from the site. When you first posted this, I clicked through the link you provided, and saw exactly what you posted. Now, check that same link, and you'll see some much more professional, generic weather-report text.

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[info]st_rev
2005-08-29 05:45 am UTC (link)
It looks like maybe it just scrolled off, though.

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