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ZOMG!! ... Long Post May. 22nd, 2008 @ 08:58 pm
I've been meaning to write an update to this damn thing for a month now, so I might as well just do it.

Where should I begin? I suppose chronologically would make the most since.

Just before Spring Break, I weighed myself which is always a dangerous things because you rarely know how I will react to those three little digital numbers. But I did because I was on my way to see my Dad and Grandma over the break and I wanted to know how much I weighed before I left. The result of that was a complete depression. Upon my return to Kentucky, I crawled into bed for about two weeks and didn't leave. I mean that. I did not leave my apartment for two weeks. Not for classes, not for food, not for anything. I barely left my bed. The evidence of this is that I watched the entire series of Queer as Folk and several movies in record time.

I had gotten fatter than usual. Fatter than I ever have been in fact.

I attribute this to a few things. Largely, I lost hope. I lost the hope that I would ever be as thin as I wanted to be. I doubted I would ever have that dream body that I have lusted after for so long. I felt that without that goal, which was unobtainable, there was no point to watch what I ate or even to exercise. This was propigated by the previous semester in which I had gathered aid from a class mate who was a physical therapist. I started workout out with him daily. Everyday we would lift weights and do cardio and after that semester, I wasn't any thinner. I had tried my last resort and there was still no effect. This defeated me and I that hope that I had had for so long slipped away.

As I was trying to pick up the pieces of my semester and myself and put things back together after I had realized what depression I was in, I checked my bank account. Upon logging into the website, I found that I was several hundred dollars over drawn. This shocked me. I had my tax return and birthday money recently deposited. I should've had more than enough money. Upon further inspection, I found several nefarious purchases that I had never made. The result being a frantic call to my bank trying to explain that these purchases were not authorized by me. The asked me to contact each company and request the money to be returned. This took a week to do. Calling each business took hours because I would be put on hold and when the phone call was answered for some reason they could find no transactions with either my name or debit card number. The result was that I had to go to the bank and fill out forms for them to force the business to give the money back, which I would do on Monday because it was Friday and I was going home for my nephews birthday.

I hoped on to the interstate excited to see my nephew and relishing my improvement in attitude as of late. As I cruised down the highway at 75mph a mere 17 miles from Richmond, I noticed my car was acting weird. It started chugging and then would no longer accelerate. The speed quickly declined until I was dead on the side of the road and my temperature gage was pointed straight up. The car was towed home where a small crack was found on the bottom of the coolant reservoir that sprayed coolant out when the system was pressurized. This required pretty much a complete engine rebuild to fix including the heads machined, the gaskets replaced, the pistons removed, the piston rings replaced, and the engine block board. This took my brother three weeks to complete and many hundreds of dollars.

During those three weeks, I begged, borrowed and cheated my way to get to my campus and other places I needed to go. But the lose of my glorious car did not help my depression and before long I was as bad as I had ever been. The depression and lack of ability to get to campus regularly didn't have a good effect on my classes. This mounted the tension that I felt daily. Constantly, I felt myself slipping farther behind in my classes.

Finals week approached and my car was finally fixed. I went down to London and spent three days helping my brother put the final touches on my car. And it started. At first, burnt coolant smoked out the tail pipe and there was a squealing coming from the belt, but before long those problems were fixed as well and we felt golden. We decided to drive it back to Richmond for my brother and I to drive around. On the way back up there, there was a ding and suddenly the car died. Chris pilled over and we found oil sprayed all over the engine. As we pushed it farther over we found small bits of the engine block laying on the ground. The engine had seized and the block had cracked. There was no "quick fix" for this problem.

I returned home and thanks to rides from Kenny, I went to the bank, filled out 18 forms, swore a statement, and got a police report and finally they believed me that I had not made the purchases. As it stands right now, I'm waiting on the last $82 to be returned to my account.

I felt the pressure mounting inside me and I knew that I had to do something. Without the ability to go to the gym where I usually vented my concerns through exercise I decided to go to a counseler on campus to discuss my feelings on my weight, my person, my car and all things stressful. She's been wonderful. She's grabbed hold of my weight issues and really worked with me about them. She's addressed concerns that I've worried about for so long like my fears about being a whore if I was thin, about the pressures I feel to be skinny, how to deal with the belief that I'll never reach that dream goal. Just having her there once a week for an hour is helping me all week long and a little part of me is afraid of loosing her just yet.

Right now, I need a job. I'm completely out of money. But I lack the clothes to wear to a job because nothing of mine fits me anymore. I wish more than anything I just had a few months to get over this hump in my life and take care of myself for awhile. I wish life had that option. People have that ability in France. I'm trying to find an online job because without my car and proper work close at home would be the best for me, but I haven't been able to find a legitement source for such work.

Anyway, that's all for now I suppose. Talk more soon hopefully. Writing all this and venting has left me feeling exhausted.

Poem? Maybe. May. 17th, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
Can you hear me?
screaming so silently.
Can you see me?
tearing at the skin around me.

Begging just to be free.
Wishing I could be understood.
This is my prison
That I've created for myself.

Return to the Gym Apr. 1st, 2008 @ 01:58 am
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in almost four months. After I hurt my back during Christmas break and my falling out with Brian I didn't feel much like going anymore. It was so much easier just to sit at home, playing games and watching tv. But as of late, I've realized that I've been growingly more depressed. To the point that I stopped caring about almost anything. I didn't do homework or study for exams. I barely went to class. There are several reasons why I've been so down lately, but namely, I think it's because I stopped having the one way I know how to deal with stress. Going back to the gym should help with that. It felt good to go back. I wasn't able to do as much as I use to, but that's not surprising after four months of doing almost nothing. I think I'm going to just concentrate on the cardio for awhile. While I did like lifting weights with Brian last semester, I didn't get the results I had hoped for. In fact, I got the opposite. I wanna shed some pounds quickly. Over the summer, I'd like to invest in a nice dumb bell set. Well, here's to going to the gym tomorrow.

Mar. 28th, 2008 @ 05:35 pm
I forgot that sometimes, it's okay to talk in the rain.

Mar. 28th, 2008 @ 05:35 pm
I still believe in humanity,

but I forgot to still believe in myself.

Finding Me Mar. 26th, 2008 @ 04:21 am
I need to find myself.
I haven't felt like "Nick" in sometime.
The jovial, good natured, happy creature that wished all people good.

I still believe in humanity.
I still have my faith.
I still have the basic characteristics of me.

But as times have changed, I've lost the ability to express those things. When I lost Pride Alliance, I lost my ability to express my hope and determination. When I moved off campus, I lost my sense of belonging and the warm homey feeling I felt for a room that I had spent so many good and bad memories.

And new things have been added that I'm not so much use to. I'm not use to doing research. I enjoy it deeply, but it feels odd. I've never had an outlet for expressing those types of feelings.

Today, I'm going to make an attempt to feel life me, after I cram like a son of a bitch for a history exam which should actually make me feel just right at home.

ttyl.

Undressed: Gay Brothers Sep. 21st, 2007 @ 09:05 pm
The first part of this, was my favorite segment in Undressed, when I was a kid. Finally found it after years of searching. Figured I should post it here.


May. 6th, 2007 @ 01:52 am
So what do I do at 2am on a lonely Sunday morning? I listening to melancholy music and update my blog that I haven't touch all semester.

I've debated about that a lot. Why after almost four years did I stop updating this thing? I thought it be because there was just nothing to talk about and for the most part that was correct. But I could have done something with this thing. Another point was that no one reads this thing but DeAle now a days (Hi!) so what's the point? The point was for me to keep a record of my thoughts, my life, my history. That's something that I shouldn't let slip away into the depths of the internet. I like my blog.

But anywho, to the update. What's new with me?

A lot, I would like to say. I guess I'll list them in the order that they happened despite the fact it is a little backwards of the order that most people would do them in.

I got an apartment. Not like I had talked about in the past. I single bedroom. I decided to get a roommate. It was the more economical decision and there were many other reasons for me to do it. Like I get lonely and I don't need to be that far away from the few friends I have. Kenny, of course, is my new roommate. Something that both him and I worry about considering his past with roommates, but I won't be like them and as long as he doesn't go into full bitch mode with me over something we should be good. We have a very nice place. Two bedrooms, 2 full baths, 2 living rooms, washer and dryer hookups, and a kitchen. One of each on a two story townhouse. Kenny and I get our own floors and we never really have to bother each other. I'm on the first floor so I don't have to walk up and down stairs which I like very much.

I got a car. It's a good car. A 99 Ford Taurus with 107k miles. It runs perfectly. You can't even hear it running when it's idling. When we bought it, it wouldn't start, but after Chris replaced, the fuel filter and gas pump it starts perfectly. It's even a bit peppier when you drive it now. I like it. : ) Now I just need to get the breaks replaced and the air conditioner charged. Oh and Chris wants to replace the spark plugs.

I got a driver's license. It took me a month just to be able to take the test while dealing with all the bureaucracy between Richmond and London, Laurel and Madison County. Then it took me three attempts to actually pass the test. The first two times, I failed for not stopping at a stop sign. The third time, I'm surprised I passed. I screwed up some stuff pretty bad and the stuff I did get right, I did on accident. I think she just passed me so she wouldn't have to see me again. Chris, my brother who went with me to take the test, said that she seemed worried about my driving. Not for my sake, but for everyone else’s, lol. Although she did say she thought I wasn't bad, just really nervous and that's why she went ahead and passed me which I was deeply greatful. Driving myself places is fantastic. I don't have to wait on people or ask people for rides. I love it.

I think most people do it in the other direction.
Driver's license > Car > Apartment

Meh,
Ces't le vie!

And oddly, I don't have a job to pay for it all! I guess that'll be last on the list.

That's about it for right now. Finals are next week and I'm excited to have classes finished and the summer to myself. Not sweltering upstairs in my Mom's house, with a bedtime, chores, and accomplishing nothing at all. Hmmm, I should join KFA again.

Anywho, I better hop off here and get some sleep tonight!
feel: excited
downloaded: Silent Sigh by Badly Drawn Boy

Quote from Lilo and Stitch Apr. 11th, 2007 @ 06:22 pm
“His destructive programming is taking effect he will be irresistible drawn to large cities were he will back up sewers, reveres street signs, and steal everyone's left shoe.”

Driving Mar. 23rd, 2007 @ 06:28 pm
I wish I could get into my car right now and just go drive by myself right now.
Just get away from things. Think for awhile, by myself. Cool off with a nice breeze.

But sadly, I still can't do that.

Mar. 21st, 2007 @ 01:38 pm
Omg, I need to update this thing. I haven't touched it in I don't know how long.

Partly why I don't update is because no one reads the damn thing.

But it's not just for other people to read. It's for my own memmories.

I have more active friends on MySpace. I hate MySpace so I aint moving.
But maybe I can cross post?

Jan. 28th, 2007 @ 01:05 am
I hate all gay men.

Is not drink that large of a social stigma?

My weekend off and where do I end up?  Working at Powell.

It took three days and team of EKU's Maintenance, but the new fountain is finally installed.  Idiots.
feel: desolate

Rabit Vs. Snake Jan. 27th, 2007 @ 11:20 pm

Water Fountain Jan. 26th, 2007 @ 01:24 pm
How many days does it take for EKU's Maintenance to install a new water fountain on my floor?

We're going on two.

Seriously, is it that hard?  There's three of you doing it.  Think together now.

Update Jan. 22nd, 2007 @ 10:53 pm
Wow, it's been a long time since my last update.  I better get on it finally.

Let's see, what's happened since my last post?

I guess one of the biggest things is that the Fall semester has ended, I went home to London for Winter Break, and am now back at school for the Spring semester.  A week into the Spring semester as it be. 

Last semester didn't turn out to be as good as I had hoped.  Although, in the end my GPA was raised a tad and I got away with an A in Human Physiology.  A very fun class that I recommend to anyone.  I was happy when it finished and my time at home wasn't bad.  I enjoyed not having homework and being able to play EVE rather uninterrupted.  Speaking of which I've been playing EVE probably way too much.  I'm enjoying the game more each day.  I love it's complexity and detail.  I hope to play it for months if not years to come.  I started a GLBTA Channel in game for the EVE community and so far it's been really nice.  Homophobia is very large in game and having the break is nice.  Consider it my next activist movement.  I have plans to make it larger than just a chat channel.

At the end of last semester I meet a guy named Kevin.  We had an awesome connection and I really liked him.  We dated for a few weeks and talked constantly.  But, there's always a but with these types of things, he's resemblance to my brother was scary.  The looked so similar I couldn't handle it.  And unhappily I ended it.  Although, we are still friends and we talk often.  I still wish I could get over it.  After Kevin, I meet Gary.  And Gary was pretty awesome too, but, yup another one, after several arguments in just the first month I didn't think it was worth persueing.  Although that too I still debate.  Possible just cause I'm lonely and want to try dating again.  I've shopped the Richmond market to no avail.  Who know's what we will find this semester though.  As for this semester, I'm pretty happy.  I have a decent schedule, 17 hours arranged pretty spaced out threw the week.  No really hard days and very interesting classes like Heredity and Society, Survey of the New Testament, and Intro to Programming.  I'm happy to say I went the entire first week of classes without missing anything.  That doesn't sound like a very big deal for most people, but for the last couple years I haven't been able to do that.  I've done my homework and everything.  It makes me happy.  I do have earlier classes this semester, Physics is at 8am four days a week, which is a change for me.  I'm done with classes by noon or 1 which is a nice feeling. 

I got the okay from Pride Alliance to begin working on Safe Zone again.  I'm very excited to get working again after a year off.  I'm just wondering how the different officials will react to me now.  I don't have the same title nor the reputation.  I'm sure I can get it back up and get some real work done though.  I also need to get to work on the Biology Club.  I didn't touch it last semester and I really need to get to work.  All I'm waiting for is for me to write the constitution which isn't exactly fun. 

But anywho, I think that's all for now.  I promise to update more often.
feel: sore
downloaded: Star Trek: Enterprise

Dec. 22nd, 2006 @ 04:16 am
I didn't mean to make him angry.
I was just kidding around.
I can be a smart ass sometimes, but it's all just in good fun.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
feel: sad
downloaded: Unfaithful (Tony Moran Remix) by Rihanna

Proud Dec. 15th, 2006 @ 11:34 pm
feel: Proud
downloaded: Proud by Heather Small

Stood Up Nov. 3rd, 2006 @ 06:52 pm
I just got stood up on a date that I had planned for two days and had been waiting to go on for a week. He said he wanted to go see art, so I searched for art in the area and the best thing I could find was in Lex. I spent $32 on tickets to see a play that I won't even be able to use now. I don't usually go to that much work for a first date. Usually its a movie and dinner and we both pay for ourselves. Whatever, his loss. I figured he'd do this anyway.

Dating/Housing Contract Oct. 17th, 2006 @ 07:43 pm
It's official. I'm done with dating.

The last year/year and a half has been very hard; lots of pain and work. I just want to exist for awhile. School, work and some friends is enough for me. Without the heartache and drama.

In other news . . .

I found out today that the housing contract that I am made to sign at the beginning of ever semester changed this year. Instead of being per semester, it is now an academic year long. This meaning that I am stuck in this dorm room until the end of May. This angers me greatly. I don't want to live here anymore and the idea that I am stuck living here makes me not want it even more. There are a few loop holes that I am going to try to use to get out of the contract, but if those won't work then I am hosting a rather large party in my dorm room with lots of alcohol and loud music.

Finally,
I ate an entire box of Chips Ahoy cookies and a half gallon of milk in the last 24 hours.
feel: angry

Boys Night Out Oct. 12th, 2006 @ 06:03 am
Oh boy it rocked!! I forgot to mention this in my update. Kenny and I finally got to have our night out in Lexington and it was awesome. We went shopping at Fayette Mall. I went there for a few specific items from Abercrombie, Hollister and Foot Lockers and found none of them, happy day. Although Kenny was able to find about $400 worth of items to buy while we shopped. I broke down at Dick's and bought a new pair of shorts for the gym. I've been needing a new pair for quite awhile. We attempted to go see a movie after this, yet nothing decent is currently playing or at least was at the time we got to the theater. After this, we made our way to Myako's to dine on good oriental food. I ordered some shrimp stuff with awesome tasting rice and Kenny got loads of sushi. I tasted his sushi and damn it was good. It put all the sushi I've had in the past to shame. Now I want to go back to just get the sushi. I've debated on buying the Abercrombie hoody and Holister shirt I wanted online and just having it shipped to me, but I currently can't currently justify the expense. Not that I don't need both items, just not as expensive versions.

The trip makes me want for the next boys night out, but I wonder when I'll have the funds to do so again. All in all, that night cost me $150. Pretty high despite it being a care-free night of fun.

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