Current mood:

determined

rant about depression
So yesterday in class we were learning about depression. I looked at the symptoms of depression and said aloud and to myself: “Gee, I have every single one of them. Low energy-check. Low sex drive-check. Lack of sleep or sleeping too much – double check. Poor personal hygiene-check. Irritability-check. Over or undereating-check. Hard time enjoying stuff –check. Lack of interest in former activities-check. Feeling guilty over stuff that is uncontrollable-check.” And then I looked at the causes listed and there it was: post-partum depression. And then I got to thinking: Shit every new mother feels all of this at least once…. And then I got to thinking even more and I started to think – why the fuck am I – are we- is society- pathologizing something that is so freaking NORMAL?!

In fact, I probably would not feel like this much of the time if the society I live in gave me some fucking support. So that I wouldn’t have to work a full time job 4 months after I gave birth…so I wouldn’t have to get my 4month old baby up and out of the house so I can get to work by 8am. Perhaps I would be less irritable if I could be assured that my kid was gonna get a quality public school education followed by a decent college education without having to go bazillions of dollars in debt. Or if I could keep working and Marty could quit his job to take care of Sadie without losing his health insurance which covers both he and Sadie. Or if he did quit his job we wouldn’t have to pay 400/month full premium to get them on my insurance. Going without health insurance is too fucking scary. And don’t suggest we get one of those personal plans b/c what with marty’s trans status and my prior history of clinical depression plus whatever else Kaiser has on me that ain’t happening. Or if any of the mother’s groups and the like met in the evening or weekends rather than during the weekday. If the people in the fucking OBSTETRICS ward had been more supportive so I could have felt empowered and more secure and so I could have learned about breastfeeding and newborn care rather than feeling bad and disempowered and exhausted and well, depressed.

So then we got to talking about treatment for depression. And then I got to thinking AGAIN. So, I am “supposed” to go on antidepressant medication so that I can feel better. So I can roll over and accept this sorry state of affairs. SO I can be complacent. So I can be a fucking stereotypical woman who bows down to authority and just accepts what is offered her because she just wants everyone to be happy so she can take care of everybody without regard to how she really feels about a situation. When what I – we - really ought to be doing is to rant and rave and march and shout and rebel and change the fucking system that makes motherhood a freakin pathological state. So NO I will not be going on any wellbutrin, Zoloft, prozac, celexa, or any other happy pills. I will not be given some medication so I can learn to accept a state that does not bear worthy of acceptance.

What I CAN do is come to accept that I am placed in an unacceptable situation….one that I have varying powers to change. And I can work on changing the things I can. And I can stop feeling sorry for myself and I can just get on with my life. Move on. Use my anger constructively and work for change.

I am not saying that all antidepressant use is bad or that I wouldn’t consider using them at some point. In fact, I did a course of prozac a few years ago that I found was extremely helpful. But I am changing the label…busting it open and refusing to succumb.