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Given my recent experience Staring down that hole again I am moved to support this cause. I have not called Hopeline myself. The main reason I have never called a suicide hotline is due to the policies described in this video - the recipe for cops and forced hospitalization, when what I need to survive an experience like that is empathy, understanding and love.
http://www.hopeline.com/
It would be great if each person who reads this could find a way to support the hopeline,
For me, personally, I just called to thank them for what they are doing.
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Right now, we're going through the visioning portion of the curriculum at Brian Utting, which has us all thinking about what our life mission is and how a massage career (not to mention the process of massage school) fits into what we'd like to do in the world and who we are.
I've created a set of Johari and Nohari windows for myself today. I would very much appreciate the input of my friends and associates in filling them out. It's essentially an interactive personality profile to assist in uncovering holes in your perception of self vs. how you come across to the people around you.
Some may recall that I did this many years ago, when I was struggling with what in the world to do with myself and my life. I got a lot of useful feedback. I am interested in comparing what has changed since then, and what hasn't. I feel quite different, quite evolved, from the person I was when I last asked myself and my friends what most applied to me as a person.
I love this kind of stuff, and I encourage those who choose to participate to be completely honest, even with the Nohari, which is considered the 'negative' one of the two. Your opinion is invaluable, even if you only know me online or not very well. Thank you for considering taking the time and thought into participating. I'm happy to return the effort for anyone who wants to make profiles for themselves, also. It's simple, and free.
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Not two days after I made him a term to categorize his entries, it was time to put charlie down. His colon issues were resolving, but yesterday something else went wrong, that made him sick enough to be vomiting. He aspirated some of it, meaning he inhaled it into his lungs. I got home from work to find him trembling, curled in on himself, pressed into the corner of my apartment. When I moved him to get him into the carrier, he threw up violently out his nose, and continued to do that until I left him at the ER around 8pm.
They did everything we could for him there, under my level and firm direction, got his 105 fever down and brought him home this morning. When I returned from work at 2:15, he had the glaze. The "something broke mama, I’m done now" glaze. he was crying, and forced breathing, hadn’t eaten, and went limp when I held him.
Charlie always had so much going on behind his eyes. As my friend Kim says, "I like Charlie. Charlie understands.". By the second week of giving him his medication for his megacolon, which had returned to completely normal size as of his xray yesterday, he knew to relax his mouth when I gave him his pills, and that I had to do that before I fed him. He understood why, too. I know he knew it was part of why he felt better. It was working.
God damnit. It was working.
When I pet him, he would lazily lay his head back and watch me, with more love and depth in his eyes than I see from most people, and I could tell that he trusted me and knew he finally had someone in his life who was committed to taking care of him. Our personalities were so similar, I’d find myself describing Charlie to my friends and having to stop to laugh at how I was also describing myself. He was one in a million, a total trooper, wicked smart, and knew the score. Just like his mama. When I told them I was ready to put him down, my words choked me. It felt like someone else was forcing them through my throat.
I bent over him as he laid on his side and whispered how much I loved him, how I was so glad he’d come to me, how thankful I was to have him. I love you. I love you. Thank you. I’m so glad. I’m so happy I’ve had you Charlie. You’re such a treasure. I love you. My sweet boy.
I love you.
I buried my face in his fuzzy belly and cupped his head in my hand while he went. I cried softly and quietly as I listened to his heart stop, a strange yet fitting calm lingering like a fog in the room, then went to LRS to perform (after losing my wallet, and getting in a minor scooter accident trying to finagle his cat carrier home, but that's neither here nor there). It was good to get out and have some distraction, a job to do, a reason to put on a face, and I had a decent time. My friends offered their support, and for some moments tonight, I was living what I know in my cells - I will be ok. Of course I will be ok. Sometimes, I am still surprised that I have finally learned that.
It’s been waves of everything since the moment I got in the truck with an empty cat carrier and a heavy box, still warm, with charlies body in it. He was 11 months old. Aside from my history of being drawn to sick and needy creatures, I had no indication that there was anything wrong with him when I got him. It feels so unfair, a waste, a tragedy, but I know it’s none of these things. Waves of clarity, of numbness, of relief, of sadness, of longing, of grief. They crush against the inside of my face like tides of universal truth, lapping at my lens and coloring the whole fucking world for as long as they wash over me. And then another one. And another one. In all different colors. I understand and then I don’t understand. I’m exhausted.
I miss him horribly. When I got home just now, the food he hadn’t eaten while I was at work was still in the middle of my floor. His stuff all over my tiny house. His smell still here, his litter pans, his scratching post, the stain on my floor from his vomit yesterday. I did everything I could, I spared no expense, I gave him every chance I was able to. I was willing to keep him on $90 meds every month until the day he died if it meant he had a fighting chance in hell of really living. All I wanted was for him to be ok. I committed to nurturing and protecting this animal and I loved him with my whole heart and with my whole heart now I ache and wretch and sob and fall to my knees wailing into my clutching hands and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
I wonder, in split seconds here and there, with a sickening juvenile hope, if I had just waited another hour, or a day, in some fantasy, or some dream lofting in with the breeze through a sunny kitchen window...
Even with all that. Even with almost $4000 in vet bills over the last 3 months, even with Cerebellar hypoplasia, megacolon, being called a hero by the ER doctor, and eventually organ failure, I still fucking sit here actually questioning if I could have done more, if maybe he got into something here that poisoned him and it was my fault, if somehow I was bad to him. I tried so hard, I gave him everything I had, all my knowledge and all my strength and all my focus and all my patience. I wanted him to be safe. He was so afraid before he came to me. I gave him his space, even when I wanted closeness, and I can't remember ever taking it personally, which I find damn impressive actually.
When I knew I was going to do it, I held him, which he rarely tolerated for more than a few seconds, while sitting on the floor of the exam room. Whenever he would try to squirm away eventually, I would quietly whisper "No. I get what I want, now. It's my turn." 9 times out of 10, he relaxed back into me, his huge glassy eyes burning behind mine, his poor little body twitching with each open-mouthed labored breath. Even when he couldn't breathe as well in my arms as he could huddled on the floor, he gave me that. It was really amazing.
I feel so fucking small right now, so god damn fucking alone in the world, so utterly futile, that if I just pulled myself into a slightly tighter ball, I might just disappear entirely. I didn’t want to play god with him. In my soul I know it’s not my place, to murder him like that. I didn’t want to make this decision. It’s horrible. But I couldn’t let him suffer through when I knew I had the power to make things go differently for him. I know what it looks like, I know what it feels like. He was dying. Something broke. He could tell. We could tell.
My life is so full land vibrant, and I also I feel like I’ve had so many losses lately. I only got to have him 4 trying months. On my way to take his remains to our old vet in west seattle, I found myself crying when I realized that Rob wasn’t down the street anymore to commiserate with. My boss, the man who helped me continue changing my life around, who’s been my main supporter through school, is leaving in a week. Hell. I’ve been considering leaving.
It’s almost like I can see things I’m opening myself up to, wanting so desperately, so fully, to keep near me, peeling away from me like paint chips on an abandoned asylum wall. I’m looking around and things are so fucking disorganized and jagged and untidy and it’s hard. It’s hard not getting what you want sometimes.
But that’s the best part. This is what it’s about. Being messy is what it’s about. One of the first things I came to truly know in my life, is that to master living and having a truly open heart you must understand the value of suffering, and not avoid the discomfort of it, or blame others for it. The key to the art of connecting and truly growing is to make use of it when it comes and allow it to run its course and wash through you. Always. To look straight at it and acknowledge it and honor it. Always. Sometimes that means letting go and walking away from something that isn’t working. Sometimes that means losing a friend. And sometimes love isn’t enough.
Charlie was wonderful to me. He never once lashed out at me, never one hissed or became aggressive, no matter how much pain he was in or how sick and scared he was. He was so sweet and glorious and had so much wisdom from his short little life and how much he'd gone through. He was thoughtful, purposeful. All he asked of me was my patience and my love and I gave it gladly.
The last two weeks have been the most meaningful for me with him. He was so happy, vibrant, playful, alive, so loving, engaging, while he finally lived without pain and toxicity. It was worth it. Every tear and every red cent was worth that. I’m so glad I was brave enough to see things through and be able to witness that.
I’m tired. My poor body is hurting so much right now. I’m aching. Everything aches. It all aches. I’m weeping, lamenting, mourning, shaking with it all while hunching over to slowly, systematically clean his cat food bowls. Pack up his food and meds to be donated back to his vet. Tomorrow I will do more of the same, with his litter boxes, sweeping the floor, and, eventually.. while cleaning his sick stains off my carpet and off my floors.
I feel. I feel, I see, I love him, and I miss him, and it’s fucking beautiful. I want to honor all of it.
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Behold! My painting for the Psychedelic Show at LRS, about 90% completed, taken on my cell phone.
This is my first painting done at the studio, since I was designated a shelf for my paints and given free reign on the spare panels a couple months ago. I knew once I got my damn paints over there things would start happening. It took about two days after finally getting my stuff in there for me to get started on something. It feels so good to be painting again.
From white gesso to this in one night, I started around 7, and ended at midnight. The thin wisps in the upper right are actually all over the painting, in an iridescent paint that is only visible like that at the correct angle. I have made a few notes after studing this picture and will change a few things to balance the flow, and blend some edges, but otherwise, it’s pretty much done, and I fucking LOVE it!
This is the biggest I’ve painted thus far in my adult artistic life - I don’t know the measurements, but the step stool and knobless door sitting next to it hopefully help with the perception of scale. I once painted a room-sized backdrop in middle school for some dance, or something, but it wasn’t anything like this - cartoony grave scene on paper. This is the real deal, and I am feeling the deep urge to go much bigger next time. I am somewhat giddy over the possibilities.
Throughout the night, I visited and held space with my dearest friends as I worked - another first for me - while the energy and bustle of rehearsal for my favorite LRS show (The Red Show) sprinkled my senses in the background. It was indicitive of the sense of pure magic I had felt not long ago, as I ventured into my new life of art, massage school, and being on my own.
I found it meaningful, humbling and strengthening to have been working along side my favorite painter while creating this, laughing and joking with one another, particularly as he finished and signed his first painting of me (a bold and strong rendition of http://neevita.net/?q=node/5024). His painting recently sold, before it was finished, just in the nick of time for the studio financially. It feels wonderful to have contributed to that, and to be enjoying a comfortable closeness with someone I admire to the extent that I admire Jeff.
I am currently icing my arm, and smiling very, very big. School is nearly over. My skills, style, and confidence are solidifying. My personal focus is on my art and my personal enrichment. Charlie is recovering better and faster than any of us anticipated. I am simply adoring my life.
Now to figure out that whole ’money’ thing, at some point..
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It was utterly amazing. I was super stoked. The fear was gone, the confusion was gone. I'd made my peace, found my respect, come to my terms. It was beautiful.
I hadn't gone to the last two cadaver classes, and I don't regret that. I was not in the space to go and I refused to force myself to. It turned out to be better, since they let us stay late to review whatever we wanted to, so I got to see the things I wanted to see from the classes I missed at my own pace, which was much faster and more streamlined than that of an instructors. Part of what made the labs difficult for me was the length of time we were in there.
The difference between how we handled things for the first class (only the body part we were looking at showing, avoiding scalp and ear and hands and feet, not having more than one body uncovered at a time) and how we were after 5 labs, exploring openly an entire uncovered cadaver, including their organs and face and brain, was really interesting to observe.
I have more understanding now toward the teachers I felt had treated the bodies offensively at first, who were using their fingers instead of tools to point things out and left one body open while moving on to another one. While they tried and generally succeeded in taking our states into account, they'd just already gotten over all that, where I had still been super sensitive toward the experience and found some manners uncomfortable.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I performed a closing ritual tonight with the bodies we'd come to know, after staying late and most of my classmates having left. Systematically, and without even realizing what I was doing, a classmate and I put them back together. It started with returning the old mans face skin into place. Then, to the woman who was face up, completely undone, and needed to be put back together entirely, including her liver and heart and brain, then finally to the face-down man who's brain and legs we had been looking at.
It felt natural, interesting, even fun.. and later, was extremely powerful and meaningful to me to have done that, though my initial motivation was 'Lets see how much we know!'. As far as I know, none of the students had assisted in situating the bodies after lab before. We simply did it, and we did it correctly (yay for education!) because it just felt right, without even really thinking about what it was I was doing.
The woman in particular was potent for me. I'd never really been comfortable with her. She was overweight and very diseased, had many kinds of cancers, and overall she kinda grossed me out. I would feel sadness looking at her, her pathologies, her 11lb giagantic liver, all the adapose tissue she had, her insanely oversized lympth nodes.
When we uncovered her face, though, the skin peeled back except the eyes, nose, and mouth which were not cut away, she changed for me. She looked like a pretty little monkey, with long eyelashes, quiet and noble. It reminded me of how linked we are to other species, how we're all made of the same basic stuff, and I just felt this sense of wholeness and love. Later, when I placed the skin of her forehead back on her face, I saw that she had the most beautifully sculpted eyebrows I think I've ever seen.
Before tonight, I think I had actually touched the cadavers twice. Once, that I vividly remember.
Un-coincidentally I am sure, I had a (living) client in clinic last week who was similar, and smelled really badly. I was impressed and proud to notice that while I was aware of those things, my impulse to judge and focus on them naturally gave way to giving that human being the best massage I was able to give her, through all her strange pathologies and difficult attributes.
In that situation, there had not been any single physical indication that embodied the beauty I felt eminating from her dispite the other stuff, like the eyebrows on our cadaver. However, the sense, and knowing that there was something of beauty and worth there - countless things - even if I wasn't seeing them on the surface, rang very true for me. This was a person, a human, a living creature, on my table, asking me to do what I could to help them heal. And I did, and I enjoyed it, and I felt good about it afterward.
It isn't just about surface things. It's not just about finding something I fancy in how a body looks to make the rest of it bareable. But finding that thing tonight in a perfectly groomed eyebrow (which was actually imperfect and partially overgrown) rocketed something deeper to the forefront, something I had been feeling but couldn't really place. The good in people is starting to outweigh the bad, subconsciously, for me. After all this time and all this work and all the fears I've faced and all the abuse and terrible things I've seen and tried to mind over matter, to force away, I can finally feel the scales tipping behind all that. It's happening for me. I am fucking DOING it! Sometimes I can actually just stand back and go.. wow. I am fucking DOING IT!
Reprogramming to the kind of extent I have been is an extremely substantial undertaking. It's time consuming, often painful, scary, and sometimes very frustrating and even alienating, and sometimes I feel like I'm just falling flat. But the days of being afraid to touch people, of lacking confidence in my skills and knowledge, of allowing my fear of hurting people and being hurt by them to paralyze me, and of fearing the human body, are slowly but surely fading into the distance. This education, this experience, and this decision I made for myself has brought me everything I wanted from it - a real chance to be truly supported as I transform, to learn what it means for me to have support, and to know how to find it in the future.
I realized the other day, that I haven't even thought about how I'm going to make back the money I've spent on school - it hasn't been factoring into my plan. This education has been worth every single fucking penny, no matter what it is I do with it on a business level. The single most enriching experience of my life, the first certification program I will have completed, my first school experience since dropping out of high school in freshman year. And there's more I'm gleaning from this last cadaver, about my personality and growth and hwo I tend to view things, but it's freakin late and I'm exhausted and want to get this done.
I truly have tapped into a deeper sense of my humanity. And I am an amazing therapist, to boot, as well as one of the last 24 people who will ever graduate from this revered and unique program. Recently, while musing with someone about my tendency to be drawn toward sick animals, I was told that it was because I am a healer. I really hadn't thought of it that way, but now, I agree.
My final exam is in two weeks. Then, 3 months of business during another round of clinic, and the state exam. The final stretch is thoroughly enjoyable, and overall, my memories of this program are positive and resolved. There's been so much else in my life going on as well, my only regret is that I let some of those things take more of my attention from school than I would have preferred, in hindsight as well as usually knowing in my heart at the time. But even recognizing that was a great learning experience, not to mention the distractions themselves, and I don't think I could have asked for more from my $15k, or my 18 months. I was ready, and even through all the other shit that went on I've rocked school, and I've made lasting bonds that I will remember for the rest of my days, as well as the groundwork to forge many, many more.
Thank you. To the universe, to my former husband, to my boss, to my friends, to my supporters, my teachers, to my challenges, to my failures, my triumphs, and to myself for receiving them all. My life is incredible.
Originally published at neevita.net. Pictures don't crosspost correctly - if the entry looks like it's blank or doesn't make sense, check the original neevita post to view.
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Charlie went in for his checkup, a week after having to be cleaned out once again. The news is rather spectacular this time - Not only was he not constipated at all, his anal tone is normalizing.
This means, that once I recover a little financially, he's a candidate for the surgery, which has impressive results and would have him off medications for good. At least for this issue.
He has graduated to being seen again in a month, rather than weekly, and things are looking super good. I am pleased and relieved.
Also; Cats can make for damn expensive boyfriend replacements... but least the drama in my life has stayed at a familiar pace!
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Took this around 11pm to show Charlies demeanor, since most of what I've been posting has been about his brokenness. He's in a good mood and active consistently, and was playing like this when I brought him home last night, too.
About 10 minutes after that, he left me an intentional and weighty steaming pile in his litter box. I have never been so excited to see cat shit in my life.
Fuck yeah, Charlie! Maybe I should rename him Boris the bullet dodger. I am amazed at this cats ability to persevere. He is a stud.
I am so glad I hesitated. It was a close, close call. I'm flat out stunned. I'm so impressed and happy and thankful. This is wonderful. Cat shit is truly wonderful.
Thank you so much to everyone who has been pulling for him. Your encouragement has meant a lot to us.
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I got to the vet around 2:30 after a tearful scooter ride and a lot of heartache over the decision I'd made. I wanted to go alone.
I spent about an hour with him, while the vet finished a surgery. He was looking better - better than he had seemed when I called at 8am and again at 11 - and eating really well. I was having a very hard time with figuring out what to do.
I talked with the doctor for about 20 minutes, as we let Charlie out of his cage to roam. He appears to be turning around, and the doctor was encouraging after all this trauma and expense to get him cleaned out, to give some special food and some meds a try before giving up. They are "inexpensive" ($50 a month for the pills, $36 a month for the food, $10 a month for the laxative), and administration of them is business as usual - twice a day, just like the antibiotics he's been on.
I have a follow up appointment next Tuesday. I'm optimistic. Even if he just ends up full of poop and having to be put down next week, he is acting himself and now we have some time to say goodbye, if that's where things turn again.
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I visited Charlie between school at work last night, and as I was petting him he decided to eat finally. A lot. I was hoping, again. Sorta feel a little silly for that, now.
After his horrific constipation ordeal and lots of attention to his poor little butt, his appetite has returned, but his blood work is unfortunately normal. His tone isn't returning, meaning he's not regaining nerve function of his bowels. Short of radical colon surgery, and/or Charlie spending his life seeping uncontrolably.. Well, neither of those are options. He's 10 months old.
I did find out that I was right, he has Cerebellar Hypoplasia, which is likely the contributing cause of his colon malfunctioning. Generally this condition is considered benign, and I would still encourage anyone with a cat that has it to be open minded about the possibilities of their cat leading a full, pain free life. Unfortuantely that wasn't the case for Charlie.
I would also highly recommend the Cat Clinic at 3842 Stone Way for Seattle cat owners. They have been wonderful.
I don't care about the two grand. I don't care really care about the cat pee all over my house, or the extra laundry, either - though I amused myself complaining about it often. I kept him warm and fed and loved and brushed and clean. He brought me joy and company and a fun challenge or three and I have really enjoyed my time with him.
Sometimes I've wondered if his place was really with me, and stayed open to finding a better situation for him and his special needs/behaviors. I do wish that I had been able to spend the last three months really bonding with him, rather than shoving antibiotics down his throat and carting him to vets. I am very sad that he had to go through all this. He's been sick since we met.
Just last week, I realized that he had virtually stopped running from me when I approached him. Now, I wait to get off work so I can put him down.
I'm sorry, Charlie. I did the best I could. I will miss you.
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Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.
I am currently having difficulty imagining anything more intellectually erotic than an epic chess battle with my lover.
I've spent my school break thus far mostly reading, I've started my third recreational book of the vacation, "Bush on the couch", a psychoanalytical case study of president fuckhole, after reading "The Road" and "The Time Travelers Wife", and I think I may have time for one more short one before it's back to anatomy and physiology.
I am SO fucking OLD and like.. classy, or some shit.
I also attended my first movie premier last weekend - I played Kelly in the feature film "MallRobbers" by Anthony Watkins. Is it just me, or do I look like a mother in this picture (with my friend Sam)?
Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.
Last weekend I walked home from capitol hill down broadway, store hopping merrily and projecting warm happy energy everywhere I went. It was awesome, one of those days when I graciouisly received a steady stream of heartfelt compliments from most anyone I talked with and I felt great about myself and the world.
Part of it is the head shave, but that's mostly just a physical, outward manifestation of how I feel in my life right now - no nonsense, liberated, strong, approachable (mmm.. headrubs) and social.
I stopped in on a total fucking goldmine that just opened up on the north end of broadway - Glitz - and spent a good hour trying on the dresses there. Dresses with personality and energy all their own. I ended up getting three, and a beautiful satin jacket, from Lynne, one of the most outwardly lovely and caring people I've ever met. I want to plug her because she is great, her store is great, and I want her to succeed. Go see her!
April 14th-15th - Little Red Studio Art-A-Thon: 24 Hours of Art Making Madness!
[Mar. 28th, 2007|01:54 pm]
Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.
Picture a night of creative mayhem: painters, sculptors, dancers, live
models, aerialists, and poets – all creating and performing for 24 hours
straight!
Come revel with us as we stretch our creative wings in our sumptuous, juicy
new digs. Experience a delightful 24 hours (or any portion of that) of
erotically-fueled creation and performance that will widen your eyes, deepen
your hearts, and excite your senses as only a Little Red Studio event can!
This event promises to be an incredible experience for you to witness this
band of gifted artists and performers create their art on-site and then
present it for sale. You can even purchase opportunities to join in!
Commission a poem to be written for you, your lover, or the two (or three, or four…) of
you. Model for an artist or a body painter or sit down with a sketchbook or
canvas yourself. Commission a dance, an aerial piece or even a piece of
music! The possibilities are endless, bound only by your imagination.
Every hour, on the hour, you'll delight in seeing the fruits of the artists'
labor. Periodic auctions will give you further opportunities to share in
the creative process as a patron.
Other activities to entice you will include a Brunch from 10am to 12noon and
a Closing Ceremony at 7pm on Sunday.
--------- The Ticket Lowdown ------------
For a one-time (4 hour) entry, you'll pay $25.
For a Full Patron Pass, which gives you the freedom to come and go (or stay the whole time!) as you please for the entire 24-hour event, you'll pay only $50.
Come play with us, celebrate with us, and share in our creative magic!
Thank you! I know we're going to have a mad time of this and a LOT of
fun!!! I am so firggen excited about this I can't even express it, and plan to be there for as long as I can stand erect.. and probably longer. Don't miss it.
Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.
A photo of me on my date with Mark at BOKA (1st and Madison - I LOVE it there) on Saturday - day two of SEAF for me.
We used to work at wildseed together, a couple geeks we are.. and periodically we would take a break from drinking champagne and eating molten chocolate cake to geek out on our phones. He got this picture of me trying to get a picture of the restaurant.
Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.
A photo of me at the costume gala/party on Friday at SEAF, taken by Patrick Andraste in an improptu session.
SEAF is wonderful this year, seems to be the best I've been to. The atmosphere is lovely and the art is stellar. It's great that there is such a warm and giving community here in Seattle, and to be reminded that I am a part of it was one of the nicest and fulfilling things that's happened for me lately. My cup runneth over; it's glorious to see my old friends. Plus, I mean, I'm just SO at home at an erotic art festival it's sorta silly ;)
Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.
FRIDAY MARCH 23RD
We love the Sinner Saints Girls and MISS RAVENNA BLACK is always exquisite, and Boy! Have we been missing the Salacious SYLVIA O’ STAYFORMORE, back at last! Don’t miss the Powerful CHIMERA from the Little Red Studio with their Thrilling Trapeze Duet! And as ever, TAMARA’S not so ladylike Aerial Behavior is sure to Razzle Dazzle!
Make your reservations (highly recommended) now at 206-605-9920.
Check out a glimpse of past shows at YouTube! There is a link at www.trapezelady.com DOOR @ 7 P.M. SHOW @ 8 P.M.
Tickets $20.00 at the door only.
RESERVATIONS; 206-605-9920
As you arrive, you’ll be lavished with complimentary food and beverages as our troupe members play tour guide for our newest (and still in progress; we know you’ll appreciate the rough edges) Little Red Studio vision!
Then you’ll be treated to our newest show - “An Intimate Spectacle: A Quiet Beginning”. Distilled from classic Little Red Studio events, this show will bring you some of the best and brightest of the performances: Aerial acts, performance yoga, music, poetry, and dance will all be presented in a non-stop format. Join us as we create a comfortable, theatrical atmosphere where you can sit back and relax as our performers seduce, stimulate, and (of course), entertain you.
We hope you will join us after the performance for more socializing and dancing into the evening!
It is utterly amazing how well things are aligning for me right now. During my last trip to NY, I began to realize that the urgency to leave Seattle had dwindled to a dull "Eh..". At this point, it's the transportation that's the key factor keeping NY 'cooler' than here, but I'm finding that I have so much good shit going where I'm at that it's not mattering to me nearly as much as it used to. It made me think about how every place is essentially the same. That I am my greatest asset in my life, not where I happen to be, and that I have people and experience outlets here that I want to be close to.
I left NY like always, with mixed feelings. Not about leaving the city this time, but about leaving a friend. Otherwise, I was ready and happy to get back home and start my new life in school. I had the most comforting feeling walking back into the office that Monday, to the first job I've ever REALLY liked. I've found myself again liking being in Seattle and wanting to stay here, with the people I've come to term as family, and the life I've spent the last 9 years building.
All of this came to a head today when I went to the LRS open house and saw the new space. Holy shit. It's perfect. It's perfect, it's got 20+ foot ceilings, and it's 3 block s away from school, which is 8 blocks away from work, which is 6 blocks away from Chrissy's, which is a 15 minute bus ride from Bev's.. and on.. and on. They do massage at the LRS spa, so even if I'm not able to figure out a reasonable way to practice in the space during events, I can still practice on the troupe while in school and have a really awesome fun place to work when I graduate, in an atmosphere I know I really enjoy being in which works in perfectly with my philosophy and the direction of the kind of work I want to do and the things I'm already interested in expressing and tying into my work.
I am just.. I am just so encompassed in a bath of warm, loving nourishment I can't help but cry with joy. I am fucking floored. Life has never been so good.
Ok, like, OMG. I soooo need to be sleeping right now, but I can't let this day end without honoring it with a post, even if it ends up just being a placeholder.
Today, I:
1) Saw lots of really fucking cute doggies. At one point I was tag teamed with cute and almost puked lovewretch on my own shoes.
2) Treated myself to my pseudo-semi-annual Grande Soy Chai, because I am fucking special and deserving like that.
3) Noticed some man checking me out while waiting at Starbucks for said Chai and decided to take a better look. Shortly after noting the quirky pairing of chuck taylors with obviously expensive dress pants and bunch of bags from really nice stores, like PINK, I realized that the guy was Robin Williams.
3.5) Robin motherfucking Williams, people. Oh yeah. I -am- the hotness, holy asscrack. I don't give a flying shit how vain and shallow that makes me, being all pumped up that someone famous just bothered to check me out long enough for me to notice it and realize who they were, because I am totally entitled. That was fucking RAD, and I'll bet he would have even thought I was pretty cool too, if I'd actually been obnoxious enough to have said hi. (Incident #21239808451 reminding me of the idiocy in my not bringing any fucking business cards out here).
4) Met with a group of dirty little hipsters from one of my IRC channels that I haven't gotten to meet before, and met up with hewinsd again. As is the theme this trip, even the GIRL was cool! There's nothing quite like the feeling of being the only other female in a group of strangers and not having to pretend you don't want to stuff a fistfull of whupass down her throat every time she opens her mouth. It still amazes me when that happens.
5) Oogled over, and eventually inquired about, a skirt (that is SO ME!!!) in the window of a Manhattan storefront, and found that not only could I afford the fucker, I could afford to get both colors I liked, another skirt, a sweater, a shirt, and a bracelet, too. Thankfully this happened before meeting the above mentioned cool-chick, so I got to pass the insider shopping know-how love along. Awww.
7) I have broken through another set of personal barriers in regards to my musical appreciation, what exactly music evokes in me (and how intensely), what steps must be taken before making the kind of music I want, and my ability to channel my soul through my voice so I can share what I see with others. I started a pilot light over a year ago with my music and singing, considering many options on how to get myself back into the game of creation and performance, that had steadily been warming my butt, until tonight. Surrender is the fucking butane torch, and I am sufficiently giddy with flame under my ass. Expect some furious musical activity in the extremely limited time I have between my flight home and when school starts.
8) I. Fucking. Rock. Today I see the potential in me to be just like the artists and musicians that blow me the fuck away, the vast endlessness of the opportunity laid out for someone like me, and the fact that I am totally and completely capable of particularly astute kickassery now that I am finally becoming comfortable enough with myself to work with others.
9) I actually feel pretty today. I like to think that generally, people don't tend to notice how rarely that happens, or how acquiescent my sense of self esteem is to yielding to the bitter, nagging hag in my head that nothing is ever good enough for.
10) He is all that I envisioned and so much more. It's like a slow, tender fuck, wrapped in a warm embrace, devouring a chocolate cake under fresh, crisp sheets while stroking your recently waxed vulva and being showered in your lottery winnings, except.. not. But just as good. God, I have to have a conversation with them. One day.
I believe it could be said, that today was a Good Day. I feel special, worthy, unique, and understood. It's so fucking unreal and refreshing, I am resisting sleep based off the unlikely notion that when I wake up, this feeling will be gone. I am completely and totally sober, unaltered, and alert. I am so acutely aware and able to articulate my being with such clarity right now, I feel like a pearl of potential that's finally been set in motion, snowballing down the favored slope of possibility I've only imagined the brilliant people must have randomly stumbled upon while slowly backing away from freaks like me.
I know that this is work I am fixing on doing, but it is not hard. All that's left to do now is to keep going, doing what I am doing, and every once in a while just let myself go on and be amazing already. Welcome aboard the Right Track. Today I am so very excited to be living my life.
OH man. The show at LRS tonight was absolutely breathtaking. Everyone was spot on, the energy was commanding, the audience was just the right size. It was the best our two acts have ever gone for us.
I suspect my very successful, completely sober karaoke experience last night had something to do with the ease I felt performing. I'm actually considering trying to get out there and sing for people again. We'll see how long that lasts this time..
The story is continually morphing, however, the basic gist of it is that I am dead or ascended, and I come back for my lover - The first act is the "Longing", the second is the "Ascension" when we've become one. I had a very strong focus on my unattainability and power, to the point that I pretty much just looked like a stone cold bitch (it's a stretch, I know), or like I was thinking too hard.
I made the breakthrough in my character, after seeing the Nov 18th performance on video and realizing how tight and stern my jaw and face were. This is a big step for me as a human as well as a performer, that I finally became comfortable enough to express a loving longing for Bev's character. Before tonight, I was rather standoffish and uninterested.
I am so happy right now you just don't even know.
And theres some really tasty smelling stuff lofting under my nose as far as collaboration possibilities, and more performing.
I'm currently downtown at Chrissy's, which never lost power. I've got two shows and a photoshoot this weekend but I think I've made a good plan to facilitate them all dispite not having a home base to get ready. It's really not effecting me much, to be honest, as I had so many plans away from home anyway and those places all have power. I'm still real damn glad I don't live in New Orleans.
PLEASE COME TO LRS ON SUNDAY! We are short on reservations for the Sunday show, which means we may be in danger of having to cancel. If you were thinking of going, please call in and reserve a spot! There are still a few spaces available for Saturday as well.
A Reminder of the details, particularly for the people at the Coco Christmas party who wanted to know:
December 16th & 17th
Little Red Studio Concerts presents
"An Intimate Spectacle"
On Saturday, doors open at 8:30, show will begin at 9 and last no longer than 2 hours with one intermission. On Sunday, doors open at 7pm, show will begin at 7:30. Tickets: $10 -$20 per person, pay what you can (Call 206-328-4758 to get on the sliding scale reservation list.). Refreshments available.
December 16th & 17th: Little Red Studio Concerts presents "An Intimate Spectacle"
November 19s 1cAn Intimate Spectacle 1d was an amazing success! The performances were beautiful and inspired rave reviews. In December, we have added a second show filled with artistic feats to widen your eyes, deepen your hearts and excite your senses! Come enjoy this amazing concert of movement, music and spoken word, woven together in a delightful tapestry.
On Saturday, doors open at 8:30, show will begin at 9 and last no longer than 2 hours with one intermission. On Sunday, doors open at 7pm, show will begin at 7:30. Tickets: $10 -$20 per person, pay what you can. Refreshments available.
Official promotional video for Chimera, 2006. This is the video that will be posted to http://chimerials.com.
Featuring the aerial skills of Zita the Aerialist and Beverly Rose.
Filmed on location at Little Red Studio Seattle, featuring the artwork of Jeff Hengst
Filmed by Gilbert Mart
Edited by Courtnee Papastathis
Featuring music by Cranes entitled "Stalk" from the album "Population Four"
A couple people have asked for my wishlist for the holidays. A couple of people have also asked me how they can help my father and I through the loss of his girlfriend and all the other crap that's gone along with that. As you may suspect, both these things pretty much go hand in hand.
If you really want to make a difference for me for the holidays, here are some options in order of priority:
* Make a donation of any amount to my father (through me). The funeral was over $11,000 out of pocket with no assistance in sight due to the loss of Ly's insurance policy because of a missed payment when her son stole their checkbooks a couple months ago. ANYTHING will make a huge difference to him and his morale over the shitty situation.
* Make a donation of any amount towards my school tuition at Brian Utting, which is not as solid as it was before our unfortunate trip to Sacramento and the week I took off work.
Not personal enough for you? Send them in hand made cards :) Or...
* Give the gift of an experience - Take me to a movie, make me dinner, come to a Free Massage Sunday, Bring me a new tea and drink it with me, Take me skydiving, or for a drive somewhere.
* For those of you not able to spend time in person, Some kind of Spa service would be really nice. A year of domain renewal for neevita ($12) is always a handy gift. I think Whole Foods might sell gift certificates. And I really love hand made things, especially knitted scarves and leg warmers.
Send tangibles to
Courtnee Papastathis
509 Olive Way #1645
Seattle, WA 98101
And correspondence to courtnee[at] gmail.com
As always, there is no pressure on anyone to get me anything and I never post these things expecting that. But here it is, if you find a use for knowing what it is I really want for the holidays. Cheers.
Holy jesus I wish I had 15 grand laying around for a rainy day. This car was made the same year my dad was born, and frankly it looks to be in better shape than any of the VW's I've owned over the years.
I didn't test drive it or even talk to the people, but I had to get a picture of it. Stunning. Awesome. I love shit like this. One thing Cali has going for it is the weather, and how it tends to preserve classic cars that would have been complete scrap if kept in Washington.
A couple years ago I wrote about the passing of Jonathan Brandis, one of the few hearthrobs I had during my childhood. It still, and I suspect will always, sadden me in an indescribable way to be reminded of the loss. Again, another gone at 27, the age of genius suicide, the year the damage of living fast catches up and it comes time for the dying pretty part.
I'm awestruck at how lovely, tasteful, thoughtful, and well executed that site is. I'm just floored. It's stunning, and somehow accompanies the ache perfectly, in recognizing the validity in my melancholy without hitting me over the head with it.
See anything different among the majesty of the courtyard at 700 Stewart street in Downtown Seattle? ( Read more... )
I am so very very pleased and thrilled and excited!! I couldn't have BEGGED them for a better location. It's in front of the courthouse, which makes me confident that I won't be dealing with the vandalism that happened to Mono last year. It's in a huge courtyard setting against trees and leaves and grassy patches, it's in an area where people of all kinds will see it, and holy SHIT does it stand out! I saw it from a block away, but my phone wouldn't take a picture from that distance!
*happydance*
Go see it! GO SEE IT!!! 7th and stewart. GO!! it's lovely outside!
For google: Treecracker Tree nutcracker march seattle downtown seattle association northwest center courtnee papastathis courtnee papastathis COURTNEE MOTHERFUCKING PAPASTATHIS!!!
Now I know who picked up Mono from me. Hehe. And holy shit, look, they spelled my name right!!
******Article without pictures inline ******
Monday, November 13, 2006
Seasonal sculptures have locals hog-wild for ... bringin' home the bacon
By ATHIMA CHANSANCHAI
P-I REPORTER
Critics who say citywide fiberglass installations -- in Seattle, those would be pigs, nutcrackers and carousel ponies -- don't count as public art agree there's at least one saving grace: they're not around long.
They think the statues come and go, their ubiquity a temporary blemish on the urban palette.
They are wrong.
Years after 170 pigs infiltrated Seattle sidewalks, some still can be found in residents' gardens, in the lobby of Antioch University, in front of a police precinct station and even bolted to a Lake Washington boat dock.
After they've been sold at auctions benefiting local charities, some of their comrades-in-art grace corners in homes overlooking Puget Sound and porches in Phinney Ridge. A row of five nutcrackers on a roof overlooking East Marginal Way makes for an eye-catching commuter distraction, while other nutcrackers greet shoppers at Pacific Place.
"We do these things so often, we lose sight these are really works of art," said Anita Woo, spokeswoman for the Downtown Seattle Association.
In a slap to the face of most art critics who consider the statues to be the lowest of lowbrow, people snap up the figures with gusto, prompted by philanthropic urges and/or the need to prolong a sense of wonder.
This year's recipient of auction returns for the third consecutive year is the Northwest Center, a non-profit that provides services for developmentally disabled children and adults. Along with the Downtown Seattle Association and Pacific Northwest Ballet, the Northwest Center is poised to unveil today the latest platoon of 60 nutcrackers, the next incarnation of Seattle's love affair with seasonal art.
Beginning with fiberglass cows in Chicago in 1999, U.S. cities have in turn appropriated similar themes. Same pattern every time: take an animal or object, use it as a blank canvas and let the artists go amok. Soon, crabs skittered around Baltimore, geckos twitched around Orlando, horses lapped the city of Lexington, Ky., and big apples took the bite off New York for a little while.
Seattle's affair began with the Pike Place Market Foundation-driven "Pigs on Parade" in 2001, which raked in more than $400,000 in auction proceeds. Since then, ponies and nutcrackers have found their way off the public sidewalks and entryways they once inhabited into private homes, while some remain in the public domain.
Peter Buck fell in love with the pigs early on. His law firm, Buck & Gordon, was a sponsor of a pig with hog-themed watercolor renditions of well-known classic and modern art plastered on its generous body.
Boaters passing Buck's dock on Lake Washington slow down to gawk at a big pink smiling pig, impervious to the elements.
Buck bought "In a Pig's I-5" at a fundraiser and bolted it to his dock, the weathered maps on its body fading and cracking under the brilliant summer sun and the winds that whip off the lake.
"I totally believe in whimsy and serendipitous things," Buck said. "People love to come by and look at it. They love to be photographed with it."
The I-5 pig wasn't in the online or live auctions, having had its nose broken in the line of duty. It resurfaced at the fundraiser Buck attended in the spring of 2002. He bought another pig there that stays in his backyard.
While some swine left the state, others stayed closer to home. A black-and-white pig aptly named "Copper" -- a switch turns on a spinning light on its head -- sits in front of the West Precinct, a gift to the Seattle Police Department from attorney Anne Bremner, a former prosecutor whose clientele includes police officers.
She snapped up "Copper" on an online auction -- her only serious competition was a police sergeant. He backed off when he found out she was buying it for the department. For Bremner, it was important that the pig remain public art.
"I think that's why I did it. The thought of that pig being at someone's house as opposed to being in its rightful place with the Seattle police didn't sit right with me," Bremner said. "I hope they have "Copper" for a long, long time."
"We're serving a greater good than our own and this is about having something to share with the community," said Michele Norris, director of development at Antioch.
But for others, the public art has become the focus of their private collections.
The "Nutcracker March," which debuted last year, found instant fans in Mike and Renee Bang and their two daughters. It helped that the couple collected Steinbach and Ulbricht nutcrackers, a love they've shared since they first started dating 18 years ago. The Bangs will have their own version of a Nutcracker march in their home when they take their 40-odd collectible nutcrackers out of storage for holiday decorations.
The Burien family made a trip to Seattle to see the statues, taking pictures that would end up in one of their scrapbooks and photo albums.
"Museums and galleries, you can do those at any time, but this is a one-shot deal. It's unique," Renee Bang said. "It brings tongue-in-cheek to the city, a little bit of whimsy and adds a lot of color. What I like about these unique installations is that they're here and gone, like nature."
Except that for her and her family, they're not quite gone.
Mike Bang treated himself to one of the nutcrackers for his 50th birthday -- "Mono" by Courtnee Papastathis. It caught the family's eye because of the hand-cut black-and-white tiles that happen to blend perfectly with their home interior. Renee is campaigning for it to be the family's Christmas tree this year.
Over in Queen Anne, another couple fused their enthusiasm for a hobby to their art collection.
The "Crosswords Pig" was a natural fit for puzzle enthusiasts Heather Andersen and Leslie Christian, who bonded with the pig after seeing it in front of Benaroya Hall.
They put the pig in their house at first, decided its girth was too much and moved it to the deck, then the garden.
"It's perfect. It's kind of the centerpiece of the back garden," Andersen said. "It makes me smile when I come in the house. I think it gets people talking. They're aware that art isn't just something that hangs on the wall in the museum, it's something you interact with and it's part of our everyday experience."
Next year, the pigs make a comeback to Seattle in conjunction with Pike Place Market's centennial celebration and the Chinese Year of the Pig.
READER PIX
We have snapped photos of just a couple of fiberglass animals and nutcrackers we found around town -- years after they made their parade debut. We know there are a lot more out there living second lives somewhere else! If you've stumbled across one in a place other than its original spot, send your pictures to readerphotos@seattlepi.com.
COMING UP
# Forty of the works in Pacific Northwest Ballet's "Nutcracker March" will be unveiled from 5:30 to 8 tonight in the lobby of Benaroya Hall.The event is free and open to the public. Artists will be on hand to talk about their original work on the statues, which will then be marched off to downtown locations, where they will be displayed Nov. 24 to Jan. 2.
# The eBay online auction of the nutcrackers will run from Nov. 29 to Dec. 20. They ship in January, or later, if there's any damage that needs to be repaired from their time on the street.
# For more information: nutcrackermarch.org, tinyurl.com/y4xc7o, downtownseattle.com
Little Red Studio Concerts presents "An Intimate Spectacle" Saturday Nov. 18th
An evening of artistic feats to widen your eyes, deepen your hearts and excite your senses! Come enjoy this amazing concert of movement, music and spoken word, woven together in a delightful tapestry.
On November 18th, Little Red Studio is offering a very unique experience. Distilled from the classic Little Red Studio events, this show will bring you some of the best and brightest of the performances you've come to look forward to. Aerial, Yoga, Music, Poetry and Dance will all be presented in a non-stop format with one intermission. Join us as we create a comfortable, theatrical atmosphere where you can sit back and relax as our performers seduce, stimulate, and of course, entertain you.
The Concerts will break from the tradition of Little Red Studio events where there is a significant element of socializing and interactivity throughout the show. We hope you will join us after the Concert for socializing, and perhaps even dancing to the grooves of our very own Little Red Studio Band.
Doors open at 8:30, show will begin at 9 and last no longer than 2 hours with one intermission. Tickets: $10 -$20 per person, pay what you can. Refreshments available.
This coming weekend is the weekend we topcoat the nutcracker. Woo!
A couple people have shown interest, and I am accepting help from anyone who would like to come out and slop some highgloss on this badboy. The coats take 3-4 hours to dry, and I would guess with two people applying it will take maybe 20 minutes to cover the whole thing in a coat. I'd like to get 4 coats on if possible over the weekend.
If you want to stop by for just one, that's fine, but I'm also down for movies and video games and taco bell or whatever comes up to pass the drying time and company would be appreciated. To say I am socially out of touch would be a massive understatement, and it will just get worse next year when I start school in addition to my full time job.
Also, to warn you, the stuff is stinky and thinned with mineral spirits. We will be coating outside if the weather makes it at all possible.
The plan is to coat at:
10am 10/28 before training (no help needed),
3pm 10/28
11am 10/29
3pm 10/29
If interested, let me know what time you might want to come by. Thanks!
This album contains artworks by exceptional artsists using my stock on DeviantART.com. The images belong to the artist and to myself, not to you, so don't take them or reproduce them or I'll hunt you down and twist your head off.
My stock is available for DA members at http://neebow-stock.deviantart.com, and is not to be used for any form of print or profit. Being a member of DA has done great things for me as an artist, and providing stock for the community use is my way of giving back.
It's very rewarding, check out the awesome art I've been allowed to be a part of. Amazing.
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neevita's journal
