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Six Years Too Late Apr. 7th, 2008 @ 09:56 pm
My character slowly degrades.

I don’t know what I want.

I will await the foolish mistakes that I will most certainly make.

and now I look at an unlikely source -here's Benjamin Franklin on Virtue
(copied and pasted from Wiki)

Virtue

Franklin sought to cultivate his character by a plan of thirteen virtues, which he developed at age 20 (in 1726) and continued to practice in some form for the rest of his life. His autobiography (see references below) lists his thirteen virtues as:

1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

I think I am 6 years too late.

I think it is important that we live up to a higher standard. We should attempt to live a good and meaningful life. And hopefully we may have 'achievements' that can outlive our own lives - whatever those 'achievements' may be.

Ever Since Dec. 28th, 2007 @ 10:21 pm
Ever since my Aunt Nancy passed away, my mother began organizing and coordinating Christmas Eve parties at our home. My Aunt Nancy used to be responsible for gathering the family up at least once a year, and after her early departure our family has been keeping the spirit alive ever since.

The familiar strangers, I can argue. Both my mother and father’s side, though not so much my father, but strangers nonetheless. If it is the crude blunt words of the brother of my father, or the childhood bike thief of my gorgeous grown up cousin that I remember; then it just that, I remember the past. I lost track in who these people are, and I find myself avoiding eye contact with the most of them.

It all started in my Freshman year in highschool, and sloped further down my sophomore year when I was dating Christina; she was my first serious relationship followed shortly after the broken chains of intimacies only a year before. 'She' and I would always stay behind closed doors to keep within our own company. If it was not Christina then it was some other woman I was dating and the trend lasted at least a crucial decade; the time took place during my transition from adolescence to young adult. Two to three years ago was the first Christmas Eve where I didn’t have a girlfriend, and now grew to be another part of the holiday tradition. And this year I am finally asking an embarassing, yet revealing, question, Who are these people?

I, for the first time, since youth, found myself talking to Pam. She is my cousin who I used to share so much with: my bike, my age, interests, and childhood. Several days ago we shared a conversation - Which is more than I can ask for, at least for this year.

Ever since.

Returning Home Dec. 8th, 2007 @ 11:56 pm
Who can ask? A man alone in a car, his ears openly listening to a song by Tori Amo’s through the speakers of his car stereo: “there must be something here.” In the anticipation of the storm warned since Monday. I see for first sight, its weaknesses and strengths. Thoughts that I couldn’t dream had appeared.

I watched my nephews and niece the beginning of this week; my brother’s beautiful children, Brandon, Tyler and Kayla. But I can assure you that from another perspective they watched me. We, the four of us, played for the entire night, battling untill our pretended deaths, and Brandon kindly healing once a fallen sodier sung their last breath; and I couldn’t help leaving that night thinking that I am missing something similar in my life. I suppose I am missing my own battle star gallatica in my own living room.

Truly now, I had thoughts come to me that I couldn’t dream appear. I prayed the other night. How cold and desperate would an atheist prayer be? I assure you it was pretty cold and desperate. Fighting and militantly resisting my fathers religious positions can enrage passions from both my father and I. But I find myself valuing the inner thoughts begging for change; begging for a better lifestyle that I can no longer fail to recognize its immediate importance. I am sure that one who holds religious views would interpret these 'inner thoughts' differently, perhaps belonging to something somewhat out of this world; but I will continue to constrain these thoughts as natural, and certainly belong in ‘this’ world.

I am finished with the life style I lived, and I am trying to make my goals more realistic, and I am trying to make my life more appealing. That is what this is about. I want to be loved by another. Something comes with my current age: a desire to stand side by side with a woman. But to be clear, I do ask. I ask for another to stand by my side. And this will echo in my thoughts for the remainder of my sole ways of living.

And the inability for me to apply myself in the ways that I desire can really bring me down.

Tori Amo’s ‘baker baker’

“Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
What's in a day
What's in your cake this time

I guess you heard
[She’s] gone to LA
[She] says that behind my eyes I'm hiding
And [she] tells me I pushed [her] away
That my hearts been hard to find

Here there must be something
Here there must be something here here

Baker Baker can you explain
If truly [her] heart
Was made of icing
And I wonder
How mine could taste
Maybe we could change [her] mind

I know you're late
For you next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from [her]
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was [her] turn this time

Time thought I'd made friends with time
Thought we'd be flying
Maybe not this time

Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
If [she’s] ok
If you see [her] say hi"

Who Was She Aug. 7th, 2007 @ 10:47 pm
She entered, and then closed the bathroom door after her. The collected clothes hung on a hook on the wall. She glanced in the mirror only for a moment while her eyes smoothly glided downward till her eyes stared loosely at the ground. She removed her clothing. Her hair, black and red, falling just beneath her ears as her hands take grip pulling her hair back till where she can place a band around; and this is how the hair will stay for the remainder of the night. Without hesitating she grabbed a long piece of fabric slowly and tightly wounded it around her upper torso, strapping her breast closer to her chest. She pulled up the slacks and laced the belt and finished with the buckle. She slid her arms through the freshly white sleeves of a button up dress shirt that pressed closely to her skin and then tucked the excess beneath the slacks. She took another look into the mirror, this time she is slightly amused. She wrapped the tie around her neck and proceeded with the knot and dropped just a few millimeters above her belly-button. After she placed the black fitted-formal coat on, she sat against the toilet seat while she warmed her feet with formal socks along with the matching shoes. Nearly finished she opened a drawer to her left taking out black lipstick. After she applied it to her lips, she took a longer look into the mirror, and then started out the door.

At this point we may have a few questions. How old is this girl? Where is she going? What was she hoping to achieve? It’s hard for any of us to really pin point what we want to achieve at the age of seventeen. Her car comes to a stop. She waves goodbye to her ride, as she walks into the darkness. She is following the sound, she is following the close by figures who also appear to be following the sound. She reads upon the sign, “La Costa Canyon Winter Formal,” which is a dance put on by her high school. She approaches the dance alone, she enters alone. The only comfort she feels at this specific point is the fact that she is unrecognizable, she is anonymous. She enters the dance, and as a beam of light taking the shortest path possible, similarly she made her way to a far back corner of the dance. A few songs in, she spies slyly on a curious youthful girl, where her curious eyes, like a search light shining down on the midnight streets, her own eyes have spotted on her a few times now. She wasn’t counting. She only noted her eagerness as her eyes scanned from one side of the formal room to the other, back again and scanned across her eyes again. Amused, she then approaches near the curious girl’s stationary spot on the floor. Immediately her feet adapt to the rhythm, looking a little bit like a clumsy puppet, in her jerky movements trying to mimic the guys around her. Curious girl intrigued lets out a smile which immediately is reciprocated. The next song they gravitate towards each other, then they dance to a few songs, shout out to each other when they can, as they smile as they share the moment.

At this point they reach the wall holding hands. Exchanging few words, back and forth, then the chemistry pulls them into a kiss. The kiss turns into impassioned kisses, with few more words exchanged, and then this is repeated for the remainder of the night.

Now were these two girls? Or was this one girl and one boy? Did the curious girl kiss the other knowing it was a girl dressed like a boy? From the curious girl’s perspective, which we learn after the fact, thought she was kissing a boy. And the girl posing as the boy, was taking advantage of the fact that the curious girl thought she was a boy.

In all seriousness, I am ignorant of all the details, for I did not witness this in first hand, nor did I attend to the dance. I only found out about this through the girl/boy the next day. And this is what I envisioned from what she originally explained to me.

Who was she?

My first serious relationship was in my sophomore year in high school. We lasted the whole school year, and we broke up early on in our junior year. During our duration we broke up several times getting back together within hours, or sometimes it would take a day. It was in our second half of junior year where our school had a dance. This is the dance she attended dressed up like a boy. The curious girl, when she found out about it, she was furious. She tried to get the school to expel her, but with no luck. When they pulled them both from class, the girl/boy just laughed about it to both the school and the curious girl. And was it wrong for me to go back into the relationship within the next day after this happened?? If so.. blame Austin, he persuaded me to.

The Inconsistent Personality Aug. 5th, 2007 @ 11:07 pm
I took a personality test late in 2004, I ran into while rereading old entries and thought I try to take the test again, this time I received entirely different results. Now I should probably take the test again to see if it matches with my current scores to test its accuracy. But I am going to humor the results for now and just recognize that I answered the questions different than I had in 2004. Which the results signifies at least a partial change in personality if not a complete overhaul as the differentiation of percentages suggest. Anyway, humor me in my analysis below, the raw data along with a chart with the definition of the words specifically used (sociability, aggressiveness, assertiveness, and so on..) will be lj-cut-ed.

Also, I think this questionnaire at the very least demonstrates that our personalities are always changing. So our concept of “I” is not set in concrete. We were no more the same person we were 3 years of age than we were the same person only 3 years ago. We are physically and mentally changing all the time: the inconsistent personality. As David Hume would ask, so does the concept of a soul, or "I", exist?

November 4th 2004 (Old) / August 5th 2007 (New)

Sociability****************** 38% (Old)************ 51% (New) – (+13)
Aggressiveness************** 66% (Old)************ 40% (New) – (-26)
Assertiveness*************** 70% (Old)************ 82% (New) – (+12)
Activity Level*************** 50% (Old)************ 69% (New) – (+19)
Excitement-Seeking********** 58% (Old)************ 22% (New) – (-36)
Enthusiasm***************** 54% (Old)************ 75% (New) – (+21)
Extroversion*************** 56% (Old)************ 56% (New) – ( = )

Trust********************** 30% (Old)************ 49% (New) – (+19)
Morality******************* 62% (Old)************ 75% (New) – (+13)
Altruism******************* 78% (Old)************ 50% (New) – (-28)
Cooperation**************** 58% (Old)************ 51% (New) – (-07)
Modesty******************* 70% (Old)************ 95% (New) – (+25)
Sympathy****************** 62% (Old)************ 10% (New) – (-52)
Accommodation************ 60% (Old)************ 55% (New) – (-05)

Confidence***************** 70% (Old)************ 79% (New) – (+09)
Neatness******************* 78% (Old)************ 91% (New) – (+13)
Dutifulness***************** 82% (Old)************ 78% (New) – (-04)
Achievement**************** 70% (Old)************ 41% (New) – (-29)
Self-Discipline************** 46% (Old)************ 84% (New) – (+38)
Cautiousness**************** 70% (Old)************ 33% (New) – (-37)
Orderliness**************** 69% (Old)************ 67% (New) – (-02)

Anxiety******************** 58% (Old)************ 13% (New) – (-45)
Volatility******************* 62% (Old)************ 17% (New) – (-45)
Depression***************** 46% (Old)************ 10% (New) – (-36)
Self-Consciousness*********** 86% (Old)************ 69% (New) – (-17)
Impulsiveness*************** 42% (Old)************ 08% (New) – (-34)
Vulnerability**************** 62% (Old)************ 12% (New) – (-50)
Emotional Stability********** 41% (Old)************ 79% (New) – (+38)

Imagination***************** 82% (Old)************ 11% (New) – (-71)
Artistic Interests************* 78% (Old)************ 60% (New) – (-18)
Introspection**************** 90% (Old)************ 95% (New) – (+05)
Adventurousness************* 82% (Old)************ 61% (New) – (-21)
Intellect******************** 82% (Old)************ 88% (New) – (+06)
Liberalism****************** 62% (Old)************ 13% (New) – (-49)
Openmindedness*********** 79% (Old)************ 54% (New) – (-25)

Analysis:

According to the questionnaire my old and new Extroversion score is equal. But I decreased significantly in Aggressiveness, and Excitement-seeking. According to the chart, that means I am mild mannered/uncompetitive, and sedate/restrained. I increased in Sociability (51% currently), Assertiveness, Activity Level and Enthusiasm. According to the chart this means I am between socially reserved/detached and friendly/open. I am controlling/aggressive, and cheerful/optimistic.

My new score for Accommodation went down 5 percentage points than my last score. Decreasing significantly in both Altruism (50% currently) and Sympathy, and only slightly for Cooperation (51% currently). So I am between selfish/cold/austere and helpful/selfless/indulgent, and I am also between argumentative/confrontational and conflict averse/meek. And I am now callous/heartless. I’ve increased moderately in three other areas, Trust (49% currently), Submissiveness (Morality), and Modesty (95% currently). This means I am between the suspicion of others and trusting of others. I am dutiful/obedient/compliant. And I am extremely humble/unassuming/doormat.

My new score of Orderliness went down 2 percentage points. I decreased significantly in Achievement and Cautiousness and decreased slightly in Dutifulness. I am lazy/unmotivated and spontaneous/daring/reckless. I am honest/rule abiding/proper. I increased significantly in Self-Discipline and increased slightly in Neatness (91% currently) and Confidence. So I am an extreme planner/clean/anal person. I am responsible/efficient and confident in work/egoistic.

Here is where my personality has dramatically changed, according to this questionnaire. My new score has increased significantly from my last score in my Emotional Stability. I decreased significantly in all five areas, Anxiety (13% currently), Volatility, Depression (10% currently), Self-Consciousness, Impulsiveness (8% currently) and Vulnerability (12 % currently). I am extreme in the following characteristics: relaxed/fearless, content/balanced, high self control, and resilient/unphased. I am calm/cool, and I have a low self esteem/shy. *shrugs* I guess.

And in the last area, Openmindedness, I decreased 25 percentage points from my last score. I decreased significantly in *Imagination (11% currently), Adventurousness, and *Liberalism (13% currently) and I decreased slightly in Artistic Interests. This means I am extremely practical/realistic and conservative/traditional. I am also conventional/safe. And I am appreciative of art/nature/[and I am an overall] beauty lover. I increased slightly in introspection (95% currently) and Intellect (88% currently). This means I am extreme in self searching and I am extremely intellectual/analytical.
*Note: I have issue with the word choice in this section. They don’t test accurately on the words imagination, and liberalism, but instead set up false dichotomies as you can see from the definitions used in the chart. For example, If you’re not a dreamer, than you are unimaginative (this is not true). In the case of liberalism, you are either progressive or traditional, I happened to be more traditional in the questions that were asked of me. But I am more progressive on other issues that were not brought up.

List of cross-overs: Sociability (barely), Aggressiveness, Excitement-Seeking, Sympathy, Achievement, Self-Discipline, Cautiousness, Anxiety, Volatility, Vulnerability, Imagination, Liberalism.

The conclusions reached by the following questionnaire doesn’t seem to represent my personality as a whole, but rather reflects my personality in part limited by the parameters set by the questions asked. Even if the questions were more comprehensive and extensive, it will still reveal my personality in part. But I do find it interesting to compare with my results from three years ago.

( Raw Data )

( Chart w/ Definitions )

Overstepped Jul. 22nd, 2007 @ 11:46 pm
I am very close to snapping. Borderline. If I were to humor the idea of astrology, then I can see the Gemini part of me. The twins. The dual personalities. I can be an amazingly happy person, and I can even inspire others around me to feel somewhat happy. I can make people laugh and fall into a sort of nostalgic childhood trance. Or I can be incredibly misanthropic. With painfully blunt words that leave people with discontent and feeling, at the least, as bitter as I had been when I expressed the words.

So which one am I? I was very close today of snapping completely. In fact, I told my drummer for Scar’d Sanity, Zach, that I think he was a mindless insect indulging in desires without a thought. Sipping his drinks, fulfilling his nicotine addictions, having beliefs for the sake of having beliefs, lacking critical thinking skills, having no purpose or goal, telling him that he was perfectly satisfied with the taking of resources, but will never contribute anything. And most regretfully, I told him he had no chance of making it in history, he will be forgotten after he dies. (something along these lines)

This was all stated in a minute long impassioned rant. Though I said this directly to him, it was directed to almost everyone I know, including and especially myself; I am very disapointed with myself. The more that came out of my mouth the more visually upset he got, and the more defensive Mike, who stood there at the time, had become. Mainly what sparked this rant was Zach’s willingness to believe in anything he was told: such as his unwarranted conspiracy theories in just about all the standard topics. And I Just about had enough of it. I was accused of being dogmatic. I was accused of being upset with people who did not share my own views. But this makes no sense. In this world, you cannot have it both ways. For example, Kennedy was shot by one gun man or Kennedy was shot by several gun men who were connected with the ‘Mafia.’ Either one of these statements is true. If you believe the latter, then you better have evidence to back up your belief – and you better be able to persuade me to believe beyond a reasonable doubt that this is true. If you cannot do the following, then perhaps your belief should be reevaluated. This is not a topic where one can say, hey you believe in what you want to believe, and I can believe what I want to believe. That’s such a cop out.

I apologized to him. And I felt bad for saying such bitter words. I just about lost it. But I’m thinking about letting it go and continue on the path I was on. I probably just need some sleep.

Goodnight Jul. 19th, 2007 @ 11:39 pm
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Well, I have three entries in the making, and I am too tired at the moment to complete them. In the meantime, I will post another image with the frog and ladybug.

Goodnight everyone

'It's Not You' Jul. 18th, 2007 @ 07:31 pm

"You wear your smile
Like it was going out of fashion
Dress to inflame
But douse any ideas of passion
You carry your love in a trinket
Hanging round your throat
Always inviting
Always exciting
But I must not take off my coat

Well I'm tired of hanging around
I want somebody new
I'm not sure who I've got in mind
But I know
That it's not you
That it's not you

You ask me questions
That I never wanted to hear
I am the only one
Just until you finish this year
I would murder you
If I had the alibi
Here in my hand
And you just laugh
'cause you don't understand

That I'm tired of hanging around
I want somebody new
I'm not sure
Who I've got in mind
But I know that it's not you
It's not you
It's not you
It's not you"

-Robert Smith (of The Cure)'It's Not You' 1979

Robert Smith was 20 years old when he wrote this song. And I always laugh when I hear it.

Love or Hate Jul. 18th, 2007 @ 06:19 pm
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you."
- Don Marquis

The latter part of the quote is Not a rule, but rather a helpful tool of filtering out the superficial.
Tags:

Convoluted Jul. 17th, 2007 @ 11:04 pm
The left, and then the right
A receiver under water. The low tones are swallowed: muffled voices surface.

My ears are infected .. again. I played sick yesterday. Stayed in bed till 9:30. then rushed to my doctors appointment off of santa fe. Then a drive through la jolla cove. then home again.

I am playing sick right now. I woke up at 5:45am to get ready for work. Pushed out of
bed
forcing my consciousness to rise.
A swift sway from left to right: nystagmus.

So in attempt of showing how I feel right now, I convey through broken grammar and careless syntax. Because right now I couldn’t care less. Convoluted. I stare through the window. And trace the frame with my finger tips. A push and a pull. I wish i can pull myself out.

the quivering eye. resting against a wall, i rest for a second. I promised myself some sleep tonight.
Current Music: Interpol's "Rest My Chemistry"

Minimal Things Jul. 14th, 2007 @ 01:47 pm
It is the simple/minimal things that makes me smile. I have a personalized google page, and you get to customize the banner image up at the top. I chose one that had a frog and lady bug doing specific activities throughout the day; the banner changes about every few hours. This particular one made me smile.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Meghan and Derek Jul. 14th, 2007 @ 12:22 pm
So Thursday night I got a call from Meghan around 10pm, this call isn’t out of the ordinary, we’ve been keeping in touch for a month now. She asked me to come visit her at her friend Derek’s house, so I did.

I haven’t seen Derek for several years now, where I specifically remember Austin and I eating a meal at Rico’s taco shop talking about his upcoming move. I never knew Derek well, I just known he was a good friend to Meghan when the two of us were dating.

It was strange seeing Meghan again. I mean we see each other once every six months, just about, but this time she appeared different. For one she is tall and still amazingly thin, but she seems to have taken up a wide range of responsibilities; for one she is living in North Park by herself. And that definitely comes across. And something worth commenting is her style and attitude, in person, had changed significantly. We can talk on the phone and we would be able to comfortably talk about anything, and the conversations are never unpleasant. But I think tonight was different; she was between herself with a friend like me and a friend like Derek. Because Derek, Meghan and I only hung out together once before. She apparently acts differently around the both of us and she appeared to struggle to find a medium.

Derek lives a fulfilling life. He seems to be enjoying every moment, and that is admirable to me. Derek was fortunate to own a camera and a device that records video for most of his years in adolescence to today. So his hard drive is cataloged by date of all the photos and videos he took from those years. He presented a slideshow for both Meghan and I of the years when Derek and Meghan hung out regularly and happened be the same years Meghan and I were dating. And I was shocked to see how adventurous and spontaneous his weeks have proved to be. Okay, so Derek likes tattoos, extreme piercings, drugs, and guns. So even though I couldn’t personally see myself involved in a similar lifestyle I was able to marvel – live vicariously – through Derek.

He has video clips of him piercing his tongue, putting hooks in his back, boiling gas at beaches, tackling all sorts of dogs, and just random nights and random events. And these video clips serve as memories and proof that he doesn’t take his life for granted? Okay these are bizarre ways of living life, but these happen to be interests that he shares with his friends and wife. And you cannot sense from talking to Derek that he is unhappy in the slightest.

Unfortunately I only had 3hrs and 45 minutes of sleep that night before work and was already suffering symptoms of a cold. I think I am healing now.

An Ordinary Entry Jul. 11th, 2007 @ 10:17 pm
I like to think my mother raised me to be a descent man. I’ve been respectful, kind, and even courteous to all my friends and parents while growing up. My mother would receive all sorts of feedback back from my friend’s parents when I was a child; they would say things like ‘oh he’s so polite,’ ‘he’s a real pleasure to have around.’ I didn’t have a lot of specialized toys growing up, nothing like what my friends had. Brian had a super Nintendo, a railroad track, remote control cars, and a playdoh factory. My friend Chris had a race car track. My friend Tom had almost everything. I had my imagination. No, I am serious. My friends would like to sleep over at my house, because my parents wouldn’t throw away blankets, pillows, or anything soft. So my friends and I would gather them all up and we would build elaborate tents inside my room. We used a considerable amount of blankets to cover the window to make it pitch black, and my bunk bed with the bottom bunk missing helped significantly. We would also craft comfortable rides with the blankets by stuffing them between my bed and the wall. All somebody had to do was lie down at the top, then another will start pulling some blankets out from below, then the person on top would tumble down as they were engulfed into the blankets. This is the kind of person I am. I am amused by simple things within my surroundings. So it takes a certain person to find me interesting, or even intriguing.

Childhood was easy. And overall I kept the same attitude in adolescence. Truth is, not a lot of women found me interesting at first. There has been quite a few times where I’ve completely detached myself from this character, and lived moments without these virtues.

This paragraph serves more like a confession. I’ve done more one night’s stands within these last 6 years than I have ever done in my life. 6 years ago, I could have said I never intentionally done a one night stand. It was about 6 years ago where I went through a harsh breakup. I was so dependent on this girl to live my life that I had a difficult time establishing my own identity. I like to think if I had left her a month before she left me, she would have felt the same harsh reality. I’ve had only two serious relationships ever, and she was my last one. I suppose I had a lot of mutual relations, which was natural and left no hard feelings on either party. I originally thought that I would never get into another relationship, because they are subject to change unexpectedly: fickle. I clearly had intimacy issues. I had no desire to commit. And I couldn’t believe how happy I was living my life separate from others. Life was simple. This was a month ago.

Well recent events had me thinking. I think I feel alone now. I feel like I know very few people. And very few people know me. I eat alone. I go to zoo’s alone. I go to beaches alone. I drive alone. I sleep alone. This never bothered me before.. And a week ago, I stopped to ask myself.. Is this a matter of choice? Technically it is my choice; it is because of my own actions why I am not keeping in touch with friends. I am not nearly as pleasant as I was 10 years ago. And after all these years living life independently, I struggle with one on ones with the opposite sex.

Recently I’ve been trying very hard to reestablish all my friendships. I want to make an effort to get to know the people who I once knew on some level. Then there is another side of me that wants to go back to the attitude I had a month ago. I think it’s time to put myself out there.

I hate putting myself out there in the open.

Self-Control: is it important? I think so. Jul. 10th, 2007 @ 11:47 pm
Why is it like this? It seems to slow time down. I feel like I’ve been dragging my feet across the ground. What possible evolutionary advantage could this feeling bring? It’s like falling onto a springboard and I spring onto the next: I can’t help but to feel the need for a rebound or two. I am suppressing the urge. Because we can do that – ya know, suppress these desires. Its part of setting ones values, setting limits – this and a bit of self-control.

I’ve been reading, on and off, another book by Richard Dawkin’s ‘The Selfish Gene.’ It shows that evolution through natural selection by its very nature promotes selfish individuals, not altruism and this is true to all life forms. Definitions: “An entity, such as a baboon, is said to be altruistic if it behaves in such a way as to increase another such entity’s welfare at the expense of its own. Selfish behavior has exactly the opposite effect. ‘Wellfare’ is defined as ‘chances of survival’, even if the effect on actual life and death prospects is so small as to seem negligible.”

Dawkins’ wrote an essay in ‘the Devil’s Chaplain’ mentioning that even though this is hardwired in our behavior (selfishness) does not mean that it is right. It just so happens to be the vehicle necessary for bringing us at this particular point in our evolutionary time scale. It is possible that if life-forms were altruistic, we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to evolve into more complicated life-forms. In other words, an altruistic vehicle, as opposed to a selfish vehicle, may not have been successful.

But we also evolved the ability to think things through: to reason. Though eating may feel good to us, we know the effects of eating too much without exercise may result to obesity. So even though the urge of hunger had an obvious role in our evolutionary existence, we can suppress these urges in order to avoid obesity. Though we may have the urge to have sex with other people, today western society has grown wary of unwanted pregnancy. So even though we can benefit, in an evolutionary sense, to have sex without protection, we in effect think contrary to the original intent for even having these urges (to pass on our genes/reproduce). We decide to have sex with protection ultimately decreasing our chances of unwanted pregnancy. The phrase unwanted pregnancy in our ancestral past would have made absolutey no sense. So yes, we have the ability to behave contrary to what our hardwired behavior originally intended. We may have the urge to be selfish, but what is great about our species is the urges are filtered through reasoning and we can, for the most part, suppress our urges. Some people let their desires/urges get the best of them, and this is not a bad person by any means, just a person lacking self-control. A person without self-control is no better than an impulsive creature making decisions on a short term scale IMO (like tiny insects).

I have to stress that a lot of the theory I’ve incorporated in this entry is not my own ideas, but borrowed from the ethologist, Richard Dawkins.

REVISED 07-29-07 (Man this entry still needs some revising, but now it is at least readable)

Speaking of Humility Jul. 9th, 2007 @ 09:03 pm
I debated whether or not to write an entry regarding this matter, but I think it is important to state where I am coming from.

The world has 6.6 billion human beings. Yea, the United States is only 4% of that population. But the state of California, the most populous state according to wikipedia, has 10% of the US population.

So why am I plugging numbers and referring to population? I want to point out that there are a lot of people in this world. So we should all have some sense of humility.

So what is the point of a relationship? Finding somebody willing to have sex with you, or finding somebody who cares about you? Of course there is no clear answer to this, it all depends on preferred lifestyles. But what is more difficult to find? Well, if you are attractive, which I feel I am, then it is not a difficult task to find somebody willing to have sex with you. Now if it is an attractive woman, then there is no difficulty at all for them to find somebody to have sex with them.

Now, there are a lot of people in this world, so there has to be quite a large number of attractive women – and since CA is the most populous of the states, they are statistically a lot attractive women here in this state as opposed to the other states (and being on the coast helps). So being attractive is not the only thing that matters. But for some people that is all they have going for themselves. So attractive women have competition – what is keeping me from moving on to the next attractive woman? Well if the woman is pleasant and appealing –if she respects their one go in life - if they live by set standards and values, self-respect, courtesy, and other virtues: all the ingridients to make a person worth caring about. That is the woman who will win my vote.

simple questions: why should someone care about me? why should someone care about you? what is so special about us. Answers come quickly to those with a solid identity. So why is it important for us to find somebody who cares about us? other than feeling accepted for who you are, I am not entirely sure, but it continues to be, I assume, for a majority.

I can’t stress enough, when somebody lacks this little virtue called humility, they are missing out on a whole range of good intentioned people.

Not my place to say? Maybe not.

‘Angeline’ Syndrome Jul. 8th, 2007 @ 01:04 pm
"My first name`s Angeline
Prettiest mess you`ve ever seen
Love for money is my sin
Any man calls I let him in
Rose is my color and white

Rose is my color and white
Pretty mouth and green my eyes
I see men come and go
But there`ll be one who will collect my soul and come to me

Two thousand miles away
he walks upon the coast
Two thousand miles away
lays open like a road

Dear God life ain`t kind
People getting born and dying
But Iv`e heard theres joy untold
Lays open like a road in front of me

Two thousand miles away
he walks upon the coast
Two thousand miles away
lays open like a road
It seems so far away
I see men come and go
Two thousand miles until
I reach that open road

My first name's Angeline"
-PJ Harvey’s 'Angeline' (Is this Desire?)

I’ve been listening to PJ Harvey’s album Is this Desire? nonstop. She seems to develop dysfunctional women characters on almost all the songs on the album; this is not unique to just this album, for anyone who knows the song “Oh My Lover.” But it is the song, ‘Angeline,' that hit a nerve with me.

‘Angeline’ syndrome – a promiscuous woman with no specific direction in life; they promise themselves to clean up sometime in the future, with the future being purposely ambiguous.

"how each of us decides ~ I've never been sure ~ the part we play ~ the way we are ~ how each of us denies any other way in the world” - Robert Smith's 'This is a Lie'

So I am not sure if I should be questioning why I deny particular lifestyles or if I should be questioning why people choose to live particular lifestyles. I cannot pretend to know if a particular lifestyle is fulfilling. Let alone draft a means to measure the fulfilling apsects of a particular lifestyle; I suppose we all live by our own means. And I live on the best terms I can. Adopting a model to which you choose to live your life is an unscientific process: whatever yields the most results in regards to pleasure, and whatever allieviates suffering - and there are, of course, several ways of doing just this. Not to mention the meanings of pleasure and suffering is somewhat relative to each person.

I have a few personal anecdotes I would like to share. I have a sister who lived a life with an 'Angeline' syndrome. she was a mess: she did LSD, cocaine and crystal meth, she let men come and go, overall, these were not the best years of her life nor were they very productive. And I suppose you can say I followed in my sister’s footsteps and lived a careless life through the beginning years of high school involved in a similar social clique that my sister had in high school. I guess the best word for the lifestyle is the word “messy.” I was always confused, unsatisfied, and for the most part unhappy.

I left the lifestyle within the end of sophomore year. And this is because I had a girlfriend at the time that was more extreme than I: I never taken LSD, cocaine or crystal meth. I was able to see first hand from somebody I cared about lose herself through her own actions. The more she gave in, the more I gave up. If I had been a better person earlier that year, her and I could have lived more productive lives and I would probably be living a life with my highschool sweetheart. I sadly sparked her interest in drugs, and I quickly learned that she was more 'experimental' than I ever was, all she needed was an entrance. (Fortunately she settled down after several out of state rehabs: she is currently married with children, and she appears to be happy). But enough of the ‘if this.. then this..’ I just wish people find a path that leads them to a better life – life is short and sweet. Or depending on your lifestyle it could be short and bitter – and why waste your life?

"You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?"
-Modest Mouse's 'Ocean Breathes Salty'
Current Music: PJ Harvey's 'Angeline'

'Unweaving the Rainbow' Jul. 8th, 2007 @ 12:42 pm
I’ve started reading Unweaving the Rainbow by Richard Dawkins, and came across quite a few intriguing thoughts within just the preface and the first chapter. I am going to divide the collected quotes into three subtitles. And yes I commented on each quote, not to say that the quotes don’t speak for themselves, because they do – but I suppose to give context and reveal why the quote is meaningful to me.

“To live at all is miracle enough.”
- Mervyn Peake, The Glassblower (1950)

“Presumably there is indeed no purpose in the ultimate fate of the cosmos, but do any of us really tie our life’s hopes to the ultimate fate of the cosmos anyway? Of course we don’t; not if we are sane. Our lives are ruled by all sorts of closer, warmer, human ambitions and perceptions.” (pp. ix-x)

Leading talking figures in America are dazzled by the either or, If there is a God, then the cosmos has an ultimate purpose, if there is no God, then the cosmos has no ultimate purpose. If an Atheist answers that the cosmos has an ultimate purpose then these talking figures are quick to point out their intellectual inconsistencies. And if the Atheist admits that the cosmos had no ultimate purpose, then the talking figures will glorify in what they think is an empty world view. I suppose there are some who are uncomfortable living in a cosmos without an ultimate purpose, thus they feel an Atheist world view is a bit bleak, so instead they adopt religious principles for their own comfort – regardless if it is true. Dawkins is quick to point out that even though someone believes that the cosmos has no ultimate purpose, we can still live a life of meaning and purpose in regards to our personal lives.

“But it is a subjective argument I am making. How it feels to me, and I guess to you as well, is that the present moves from the past to the future, like a tiny spotlight, inching its way along a gigantic ruler of time. Everything behind the spotlight is in darkness, the darkness of the dead past. Everything ahead of the spotlight is in the darkness of the unknown future. The odds of your century being the one in the spotlight are the same as the odds that a penny, tossed down at random, will land on a particular ant crawling somewhere along the road from New York to San Francisco. In other words, it is overwhelmingly probable that you are dead.” (pp 3)

Dawkin’s emphasizes the improbability of life; but more specifically, the spotlight of our unique century. The notion strangely makes me feel closer to the people I know, because we all currently living in this spotlight. This goes against the idea that science cannot inspire wonder, or even induce spiritual feelings of awe and reverence.

“What is the use of bringing a baby into the world if the only thing it does with its life is just work to go on living? If everything is judged by how ‘useful’ it is – useful for staying alive, that is – we are left facing a futile circularity. There must be some added value. At least a part of life should be devoted to living that life, not just working to stop it ending.” (pp 5)

I can only emphasize the thought that living ones life and working to stop ones life from ending are two different ways to live.

“After sleeping through a hundred million centuries we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with colour, bountiful with life. Within decades we must close our eyes again. Isn’t it a noble, and enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun, to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it? This is how I answer when I am asked – as I am surprisingly often – why I bother to get up in the mornings. To put it the other way round, isn't it sad to go to your grave without ever wondering why you were born? Who, with such a thought, would not spring from bed, eager to resume discovering the world and rejoicing to be a part of it? (pp 6)

Earlier I wrote an entry about anchors. I asked for peoples reasons for continuing their lives as oppose to throwing in the towel, and this I suspect is how Richard Dawkins would answer the question. I expressed the same anchor in my entry, though my words did not come out nearly as candid and concise as Richard Dawkins.

The Art of Analogy:

“It is inhuman age of fossils that knocks us back on our heels. We pick up a triolobite and the books tell us it is 500 million years old. But we fail to comprehend such an age, and there is a yearning pleasure in the attempt. Our brains have evolved to grasp the time-scales of our own lifetimes. Seconds, minutes, hours, days and years are easy for us. We can cope with centuries. When we come to millennia – thousands of years – our spines begin to tingle.” (pp 9)

“Perhaps these distances are still unreal. The art in thinking of analogies for large numbers is not to go off the scale of what people can comprehend. If we do that, we are no better off with an analogy than with the real thing.” (pp 12)

“Fling your arms wide in an expansive gesture to span all of evolution from its origin at your left fingertip to today at your right fingertip. All the way across your midline to well past your right shoulder, life consists of nothing but bacteria. Many-celled, invertebrate life flowers somewhere around your right elbow. The dinosaurs originate in the middle of your right palm, and go extinct around your last finger joint. The whole story of Homo sapiens and our predecessor Homo erectus is contained in the thickness of one nail-clipping. As for recorded history; as for the Sumerians, the Babylonians, the Jewish patriarchs, the dynasties of Pharaohs, the legions of Rome, the Christian Fathers, the Laws of the Medes and Persians which never change; as for Troy and the Greeks, Helen and Achilles and Agamemnon dead; as for Napoleon and Hitler, the Beatles and Bill Clinton, they and everyone that knew them are blown away in the dust from one light stroke of a nail-file.” (pp 12)

Dawkins analogies can annihilate world views, though not this one specifically.

Superstitious Folk:

“I turn to those ordinary superstitious folk who, less exalted than poets defending rainbows, revel in mystery and feel cheated if it is explained. They are the ones who love a good ghost story, whose mind leaps to poltergeists or miracles whenever something even faintly odd happens. They never lose an opportunity to quote Hamlet’s ‘There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.’ And the scientist’s response (‘Yes, but we’re working on it’) strikes no chord with them. For them, to explain away a good mystery is to be a killjoy, just as some Romantic poets thought about Newton’s explaining of the rainbow.”

“Paranormalism could be called an abuse of the legitimate sense of poetic wonder which true science ought to be feeding.”

I just like these quotes. (:

Perspectives and Growth Jul. 4th, 2007 @ 06:43 pm
So I have shared one story with three different friends. We will call the friends One, Two, and Three.

One – has a lot of background knowledge about the characters in the story.
Two – has some background knowledge about the characters in the story.
Three – has no knowledge about the characters in the story.

Now of course I get a response from all three friends. And they are all different - this is intriguing, and I don't think it is arbitrary. It is reasonable to say friends One and Two may have some biases or certain expectations about the characters and may impact there overall view of the story. So if this was a juror selection, I would have to eliminate friends One and Two’s from the jury.

And no offense to either two friends, because I respect their opinion fully, but I think the most objective view of the story would have to be my friend Three.

Yea – I like this new approach. No names in my journal (well for the most part – I think I mentioned Shannon earlier.)

Well, I dug out of my hermitical hole. It seems that I reestablished all my old ties and I get to bring my new attitude with me. I was talking to friend One today briefly about my old attitude a year ago. And I think it is safe to say that I was misanthropic/ bitter. This naturally led to my ‘hermit’ ways. But a year later all that anxiety and feelings of frustration had disappeared. So I am looking forward to this summer. I burned a CD of songs I’ve worked on in the past and showed my friends Two and Four (yea this may get confusing), Two was interested in putting the songs through a more advanced software and wants to help me fully develop/produce the songs (I will pursue this on this weekend.) I would really like to write poetry and music again; I am even writing journal entries again. I also am starting a two person book club with friend Three – we will be reading books strictly in the subjects of science and history. I am going back to school as well; I will also plan that out this weekend.

Growth – that is what it’s all about, right?

33minutes to run 3 miles. My record is 28 minutes.

New Hours Jul. 4th, 2007 @ 11:23 am
During my Monday shift at Hayes Hanpiece Co, I overheard Judy and Joanne talk about needing somebody to come in earlier to pull parts. My initial reaction was to ignore them hoping that my name was not an option. I struggle coming in at 8 as it is. To my surprise my name was not an option, this had me thinking. It’s no wonder why I was not mentioned – they have me working hard as it is, and I’ve mention on several occasions that I have a hard time coming in early on days where they specifically asked me to come in earlier. Should I volunteer? If I come in an hour earlier I do get to leave an entire hour earlier. 3:30 instead of 4:30? This appealed to me, so next chance I got, I volunteered, it was okay’d by management and I started my new hours on that following Tuesday.

Okay, so it’s going to take some time getting used to it.

7:00am - 3:30pm

Methods: Utility vs Harm Jul. 2nd, 2007 @ 01:59 am
So I finally had the opportunity to talk to Shannon tonight. He came to our show, and I am happy we had the opportunity to converse. A passionate communist – he’s truly intriguing.

I am near my end with alcohol. I used to be somewhat of a social drinker, but after serving as a Juror on a DUI criminal case, and after a previous sloppy drunken event – I realize how much I value my sober awareness, my clear consciousness. I make careful decisions and think things through. I mean alcohol first mentally impairs the mind, and then next it impairs small muscles, then the large muscles. Is this a desirable effect? Plus the slur speech. the inability to say things articulately and coherently (though none of this is apparent when under the influence). I am hardly me at all when I drink. And I like who I am.

So apparently I am blunt. I recently told a girl she had an undesirable personality. And within the same conversation I told her that I cannot imagine anybody wanting to be like ___ (insert her name). She was very irritating and obnoxious; plus she was very open to say that science is boring. *sigh* I hear this a lot lately. My usual sarcastic response is: Because what we can know for certain, or with high probability, is boring. That statement is absurd. Think it through. Science deals with many fields and maybe the small factoids are boring if you have to memorize it for an exam, but understanding how things work, or how a system functions and its inner components is fucking enlightening. Plus how are beliefs formed, just merely opinions on what sounds cool? Yea UFOs visit us (I mean green men are cool). Or yea I believe people have the ability to foresee upcoming events (like a superhero, yea that is cool). Yea the alignment of the stars throughout the months can influence personality within individuals (screw psychology and neurology). Come on. There are universal truths that we can all investigate – and we make use of all these truths on a daily basis. You wake up each morning knowing the sun rises in the east and the sun will set in the west. This happens.. deal with it. your car needs an energy source to run, so you better fill it up with gas, or it will not go anywhere.. if you are to jump off a edge of a high cliff (which perhaps some of you should.) then you will fall to your demise..

Oprah Winfrey just recently recommended a book written by Rhonda Byrne called “The Secret” pretty much stating that positive thoughts will produce magnetic energy. According to Bryne, like attracts like, so the positive magnetic energy will bring physical positive outcomes. For instance, I think about receiving a great sum of money, this produces positive magnetic energy which will in effect influence other magnetic fields (attracting the positive outcomes) and ultimately ends with me receiving large sums of money by just the positive thoughts alone. Michael Shermer wrote about this woman in a recent issue of Scientific American, titled ‘The (other) Secret’, and I recommend the article. And now I quote a paragraph: “A pantheon of shiny, happy people assures viewers that ‘The Secret’ is grounded in science: ‘It has been proven scientifically that a positive thought is hundreds of times more powerful than a negative thought.’ No, it hasn’t. ‘Our physiology creates disease to give us feedback, to let us know we have an imbalanced perspective, and we’re not loving and we’re not grateful.’ Those ungrateful cancer patients. ‘You’ve got enough power in your body to illuminate a whole city for nearly a week.’ Sure, if you convert your body’s hydrogen into energy through nuclear fission. ‘Thoughts are sending out that magnetic signal that is drawing the parallel back to you.’ But in magnets, opposites attract – positive is attracted to negative. ‘Every thought has a frequency…. If you are thinking that thought over and over again you are emitting that frequency.’” -Shermer

Science matters and psychobabble/pseudoscience is harmful. Sam Harris points out in his book ‘Letter to a Christian Nation’ the known fact that a first trimester embryo in five days has a hundred cells, and a fly has something up to 500,000 cells in just its brain – if we are worried about cells, then it only makes sense for us to protect the fly. (just an example of the harms of certain ideas, and the utility of others.) We are living in a world where things happen on a routine basis which anybody can stop for a short period of time and observe the facts for themselves – now if you take this process and develop a method that multiple people can follow using a similar format, then you've established a standard. Now apply this method to anything you can observe and as long as other people can confirm your observations, using the same methods/procedure you used, then you have done science.

This is not boring, this is the root of knowledge that we all participate in one way or another. In my opinion, it is like saying 'thinking' is boring, or 'eating' is boring - these are things we do almost automatically without much thought. A belief needs something empirical, a belief shouldn’t be formed merely on aesthetic value. And our culture depends on such methods in order to improve our standard of living and more importantly our survival as a species. To state that science is boring shows a great deal of ignorance about the world - which is fine, but I think most people would withdraw the statement if they spent a few minutes to truly consider what it is they are actually saying.

I was at a bar tonight. Hopefully knowing that will justify my given frustrations.

Discomforting Jul. 1st, 2007 @ 02:03 am
God damn, what a horrible way for a great evening to end.

Speaking of people who lack sufficient anchors in life..

Anyway, not my place to elaborate on the details - but I do wish that everything turns out okay.

Stolen from Sarah's Myspace Jun. 27th, 2007 @ 11:54 pm
I customized the survey a bit, because I liked the idea of digging into the past. This took some heavy research. Good thing i had my lj to look back in time + year books! That didn't bring up any nostalgic feelings. jesus.

------------10 years ago----------- this will be challenging

1.) How old were you?: 16 (1997)
2.) Where did you go to school? La Costa Canyon HS
3) Where did you work? I didn't work.
4.) Where did you live?: Encinitas with the parents.
5.) Where did you hang out? all around town, several people's houses
6.) Did you wear glasses? I did not.
7.) Who was your best friend? David, Cassandra, Erin, Nicole, Kyle, Jesse, Shaun, Steven, Kelly (and others)
8.) How many tattoos did you have? None.
9.) How many piercings did you have? two
10.) What kind of car did you have? I didn't have a car.
11.) Had you been to a real party? Yes.
12.) Had you had your heart broken?: no.
------------9 years ago----------- this will be challenging

1.) How old were you?: 17 (1998)
2.) Where did you go to school? La Costa Canyon High School
3) Where did you work? umm.. Dominos Pizza
4.) Where did you live?: Encinitas with parents.
5.) Where did you hang out? Christina's house, my house, in town
6.) Did you wear glasses? I did not.
7.) Who was your best friend? oh jesus.. Christina, Briana, Erin, David
8.) How many tattoos did you have? None.
9.) How many piercings did you have? None
10.) What kind of car did you have? No car.
11.) Had you been to a real party? Yes.
12.) Had you had your heart broken?: Yes.

( Read more... )

Naive Ragdoll Jun. 27th, 2007 @ 05:05 pm
I think it was early in high school (ninth grade?) where I came up with the handle ‘naïve ragdoll’. I used the handle for several years for aim. I also had another handle with the word nostalgic in it.. but I don’t quite remember the exact handle. Well, in October 2003, I remember coming up with a handle that I like better which is ‘November Sets,’ the reason I remember this is because I remember being disappointed after Austin signed me up for an LJ using my old handle in October 2003. (back then I hated the idea of LJ, so Austin signed me up and gave me the password in hope that I would write entries – well it worked.)

So yes, I hate my handle. I was very naïve early in high school, but come on.. who wasn’t? At that time I had never experienced adolescence, like everyone else, so I struggled to control thoughts and feelings. But this no longer applies to me, so every time I write a journal entry, I am haunted by these old words – and remind me of my inexperienced days.

Thanks Austin.

I suppose now, I can apply the word to people who are currently struggling through adolescence. sure, that is what I will do.

Time for a Justin Burrito at Ricos! and then a chill evening at the beach! whoot whoot

A Deviation from Normalcy Jun. 27th, 2007 @ 04:20 pm
I had Jury Duty: I was summoned to serve my civic duty on Thursday the 21st. Well, I misremembered the date, and I took advantage of the two week grace period and showed up on Monday the 25th. My name was called by the time they assigned the first 45 people to a criminal case. I reported to Level 3 department 25.

The juror selection process was quite the spectacle. I mean after you get pass the uncontrollable urge to yawn that comes in 10 minute intervals. but yes.. People lie – they make use of their human ability as story tellers and they tell them convincingly.

(note: The 45 jurors were being selected for a criminal case with somebody charged for driving under the influence.)

“I have trouble sitting for long periods without talking,” a woman states anxiously.

“I had a DUI in the past and it is still fresh in my mind, I don’t believe I can judge the facts objectively,” says a mid twenties male.

“My grandparents died by a driver under the influence,” said a younger woman nonchalantly.

This slowed the juror selection dramatically! Each clever answer required the judge to state the same routine questions. “Will you be able put your past experience and biases aside, and judge only on the facts presented to you in this case?” “Will you be able to serve as a fair and impartial juror?” And of course every difficult and persistent juror, after struggling with the judge for a few minutes, was able to answer yes.

I have to admit, for the first hour I was scrambling for an excuse as well. I thought about saying “I disrespect anybody who drinks alcohol.” Or “I think drinking and driving is fully irresponsible and I believe the CA laws are not strict enough and we should lower the current 0.08% BAC to 0.05% BAC.” Or “I am associated with a political group that militantly opposes to the idea of alcohol and other substances.” Or I also thought about attacking the Jury deliberation system, implying that the court room doesn't truly receive an independent response through the 12 juror system (Richard Dawkins writes an excellent essay advocating this point of view). But then I thought about it, I wouldn’t mind being selected as a Juror. It’s a deviation from the routinely schedule that I’ve maintained for nearly 5 years. I would be able to show up to a court house every morning rather than Hayes Handpiece Co. And I can’t explain why, but that was appealing to me.

Well.. I was selected as an alternate juror. Juror #14. I served as a normal juror who took notes, showed up every day, exposed to the evidences and arguments for and against the case. The only difference between the alternate juror and a juror was I didn’t have to attend the deliberations. Nice.

I don’t think I would have made a fair and impartial juror in that particular case. I had this deep admiration for the female district attorney. A studious young woman, who couldn’t be much older than I, had Impressed me. She, in her formal attire, stood tall and firm and walked in a similar fashion. She had blonde hair coming down to her neck just barely damp. Her face was pale that in effect accentuated her eyes and lips. And more impressively she spoke candidly and concisely forming arguments on the spot, and coming to points quickly. She would speak quietly and softly when she questioned the witnesses, but during her arguments she would grow impassioned and dynamic. And I liked the way her face grew amused when the defense attorney would stumble in words or fail to make a concise argument. A rational woman who has a clear image who she wanted to be; not only that, but she is currently achieving this image in her youth. How intimidating – yet inspiring. She is beautiful, rational, well-grounded and young.

So it appears that I need to find out where the women law students hang out. (: nah, I think I am more interested in completing my own schooling and achieving the goals that I wish to achieve – similar to what the female district attorney has done. Her youth and achievements is what truly impressed me.

Humility Jun. 23rd, 2007 @ 10:21 pm
I went to the San Diego Zoo. I went by myself, because I was curious about the field of ethology: it is a branch of zoology that deals with the study of animal behavior. Of all my memory I cannot recall coming to this specific zoo, so it has been on my agenda for quite a while to come and check it out.

What a brilliant day. I start with an enthusiastic statement and follow shortly after with a sigh of exhaustion. Yea, I walked through the park nearly nonstop for 8 hours. And yea, it was better than sleep! I avoided riding the busses that they provide for you, because I was uncertain where they will take me, but maybe all that walking will help me sleep better tonight – in fact, I am sure it will. Unlike the polar bear who struggled for comfort near the viewing window, with his hind leg scratching against the glass.

An obvious first exhibit for me were the great ape exhibits. I am extremely fascinated in the familiar attributes that closely resemble humans. Orangtans and the brachiation of Siamangs were clearly unhuman like, but rather resembled natural aerial acrobats were playful and instinctual - their efforts were nonchalant yet precise. And aerial acrobats are something we seem to cherish and praise when humans achieve similar tasks - though we have to prepare much more diligently to perform at the level of the Orangtans and Siamangs.

The giraffes with their elongated necks in a deer shaped body scream the theory evolution. I would also state elephants with their elongated hand-like snouts shows along with the species of giraffes that all varieties are possible: Long necks, long arms, long beaks, long noses, long ears, and etc. and this goes along with the good and bad extremes of hearing, sight, smell, taste, and touch. This is something you would expect from natural selection.

Cats with their territorial conviction and loyalty to its companions as the two snow leopards take turns pacing in the front of the viewing glass. The lion’s glare shows us an interesting and relatable behavior similar to the evil glares passed around in large crowds. When humans pace back and forth between two towers to keep the enemy in caution and when we glare from long distances we intimidate other’s from coming our way – now both of these serve as excellent deterrents for both animals and humans (not suggesting that humans are not animals, but I am only emphasizing the similarities). But the most human of all was the simple but significant mannerisms of the gorilla. It has the human grace, and the human stare – but yes, it has a significantly smaller brain than humans, since most of its skull is packed with muscle. Nevertheless, it has a familiarity worthy of attention.

Other fascinating exhibits that caught my attention were the raptors: harpies, vultures, and the eagles. Harpies will look for bone scraps of remaining carcasses, once they are found, they will soar into the air with the bones and drop them on a favorite rock to break the bones into small edible pieces. God damn. We cannot forget the poor struggling polar bear desperately searching for comfort on the solid ground right in front of the viewing glass.

What a humbling experience, visiting my cousins all in one place from all around the world. On another note, it shows me how simple life is, and what one needs to do to remain content is really not much - acchieve the lower levels of the Maslow's hiearchy of needs.. then the rest truly is dependent on how one integrates the empirical world.

"That it will never come again
Is what makes life so sweet" - Emily Dickinson

Tolerance's Backlash May. 23rd, 2007 @ 02:13 am
‘I couldn’t be happier,’ though this is not entirely correct. I build my happiness each day, and each morning I start anew. And I can say on average that I build far more happier days than I do sad days. To come to think of it, currently the only scrap of sadness in my life is, in fact, feelings of frustration: If it is a pulsing disagreement with my father; or if it is the constant nagging from a coworker twice my age plus some years. These are the two components that keep me from absolute happiness. Well, then there’s the issue on my health; I can always be healthier.

Yet this is all simple and tolerable. But what strikes me as strange, is that I lack a social life separate from family and work. I think what helps me with my bachelor ways, is the imperfect couples that surround me. I know not of one couple that I view as desirable. But rather all the couples I know seem to dread one another, or at the very least they seem to tolerate each other. And what is up with certain couples trying to set me up with uninteresting strangers, like my life is dependent on another in order to function. I mean recently I went to an amusement park for a day, and wow, I took mental notes of all the couples. Statistically I would run into more lousy relationships then I would run into ideal relationships. Numerous couples stood in two hour lines not saying a word to each other. Then there was the cruise that I took and ran into a woman who was very much as memorized by a string quartet as myself. We both ended up going to all their showings that particular day and this inevitably lead to our meeting. Well, to my surprise she had a boyfriend, and the guy was not particularly interested in our discussion nor did he like the music. It is clear that people have all sorts of reasons for choosing their relationships, and most have very low standards, but it never ceases to amaze me when I click with a woman more than their chosen boyfriend.

This seems all the more empowering. I am single. And I am not desperate or eager to jump into a relationship. I see only two likely outcomes in my case. Either I will find somebody who I can relate, respect, and treasure as my best friend who in return is not desperate or eager, or I will not find that person and remain celibate. Either way I will still be able to build my days, and who’s to say my days would be better with another?

The Greatness of Youtube.com May. 19th, 2007 @ 04:11 am
“This will probably going to be the most simplest one for you to answer, but what if you’re wrong?”

“Well, what if I’m wrong? I mean, anybody can be wrong. We can all be wrong about the flying spaghetti monster, the pink unicorn, or the flying tea pot. You happen to be brought up, I presume, in the Christian faith. You know what it is like not to believe in a particular faith, because you’re not a Muslim, you’re not a Hindu. Why aren’t you a Hindu? Because you happen to be brought up in America, not in India. If you were brought up in India you would be a Hindu. If you were brought up in Denmark, in the time of the Vikings, you would be believing in Wotan and Thor. If you were brought up in classical Greece you would be believing in Zeus. If you were brought up in Central Africa you would be believing in the Great Ju Ju of the mountain. There’s no particular reason to pick on the Judeo-Christian God, in which by the sheerest accident you happen to been brought up, and ask me the question ‘what if I’m wrong?’ What if you’re wrong about the great Ju Ju at the bottom of the sea?”
--Richard Dawkins (Q/A at Lynchburg, VA)

Thanks, but No Thanks Feb. 7th, 2007 @ 10:31 pm
I read on myspace a touching memoir of some sort, but I decline it's conclusion.

Definition of the word 'poet.'

*a person who composes poetry.

*a person who has the gift of poetic thought, imagination, and creation, together
with eloquence of expression.

In high school, I scribbled on several pieces of paper composing probably more than 1000 pieces of poetry. So it is fair to say that I am poet by default, by the lone fact that I compose poetry. But to be a poet of high degree or high caliber is asking a different question; we are now looking at the second usage of the word ‘poet’. Whenever I take a peak at my friend’s live journals I see several of my friends capable of poetic thought, imagination, and creation, together with eloquence of expression. A few stand out amongst the many – and I see myself just as one of many capable of doing this one thing, not particularly well, but well enough to express a thought that occurred in my mind. To be considered a good poet, or to receive a compliment that I am a good poet seems to me a high award: an award that I cannot personally live up to. My journals, my thoughts are common place, a bit reflective of a struggling suburban kid finding his way in the world. And for a second reason, this reason alone disqualifies me as a good poet, is the fact that I’d given up the craft of poems – the closest I get these days are journal entries, and as I stated earlier are one of many journal entries in a matrix of blogs.

And I won’t get into too much detail about my abilities as a musician, but only to reveal that I pick up the guitar once a month, and play the piano probably twice every year – and I haven’t sung a song since Another Emotion disbanded.

Austin, you are a great friend and I thank you for the good will.

It is strange growing up in high school thinking one way about yourself: I would like to be a musician, I would like to be a successful poet where others can relate to. And perhaps it is difficult realizing in my late teenage years that these two professions are nothing more than a hobby. Some people are capable of this kind of craft, myself excluded. And at this point in my life I don’t want to indulge in music and poetry, but I don’t regret my teenage passions.

Looking ahead… I need to develop a major in the sciences and develop a true talent.

Skeptic's Tools Jan. 21st, 2007 @ 01:43 pm
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
-Arthur C. Clarke's famous Third Law

"That no testimony is sufficient to establish a miracle, unless the testimony be of such a kind, that its falsehood would be more miraculous than the fact which it endeavours to establish."
-David Hume's Maxim
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Parental Voice Jan. 20th, 2007 @ 11:13 pm
01-20-07 9:16pm

“Probably a dozen times since their deaths I’ve heard my mother or father, in a conversational tone of voice, call my name. Of course they called to me often during my life with them – to do a chore, to remind me of a responsibility, to come to dinner, to engage in conversation, to hear about an event of the day. I still miss them so much that it doesn’t seem at all strange that my brain will occasionally retrieve a lucid recollection of their voices.” –Carl Sagan (pp 104, The Demon-Haunted World)

Carl Sagan himself died on December 20th 1996.

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I am fortunate to still hear the voices of my mother and father. And after reading the following quote, I myself can imagine them calling my name – here, right now – even though I am sitting alone in my room reading the words of this book. I find it difficult, at this time in my life, to imagine life without my mother and father – and relying on my memory to produce their voices, as my memory has done moments ago.

In this difficult position, wanting time to move on, but dreading the particular day of love ones passing on. I have to let these words that I read pass on, and cherish the moments that I still have to share with my parents.

Ugliness in Me Aug. 25th, 2006 @ 12:16 am
To pull one’s weight and dwell on minimal things – the young adult.

“Will you draw me a picture?” the casket in pen with jagged vertical and horizontal lines. A child will slowly lift his head when he hears small creeks in an old home. So why is it important? To communicate effectively that is? Can imagery express one’s thoughts? Using words like paint in an overall scene.

Almost like a prayer, but to no superstitious force. Folded arms and legs and the eyes dimly shine. “I would have called you the other night.” I bounce my head through the gaps, “if it were not for my unwillingness to get to know you.” There are several days throughout the week where I had a chance to get to know a new face. But life doesn’t slide each picture one by one like they do in the films, but much faster of course – the illusion of motion. Now there is a trip, like the first time I took a pad of paper allowing a stick figure to walk from the left side to the right – his wings were too crooked.

Not like the time where I built a coliseum in the sand box at park dale lane elementary. Catching the bees’ were the challenging part, without killing it that is. To stun or paralyze the bee had been the primary objective. We grew more successful as we got the hang of it. There is nothing like watching a yellow jacket tackling a limply sand bee. They were the easiest to stun – burying it in sand and then applying light pressure with your foot. Then you can dig it back up. Recess would end, and begin again during lunch and the bee either gathered enough strength to fly away, or he was taken by a predator. I am sure we all prefer that the bee gathered it’s strength.

The ugliness in me.

Dying is an Art Jul. 29th, 2006 @ 02:30 am
"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call."
-Sylvia Plath
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Three Stages of Truth May. 10th, 2006 @ 10:23 pm
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
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"All Too Human" Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 03:36 am
It is one in the morning, is what I tell myself, as I look online for the current temperature. 48 degrees Fahrenheit, 8.89 degrees Celsius. I cannot get to sleep; it will be one of those nights where I lie against my bed and wait for my consciousness to collapse. I’ve been tired lately. I’ve been very tired. I haven’t been enjoying myself at all lately. I had a few dreams these past few nights. I typically don’t remember my dreams. I recalled in amidst of a dream being excited for the sake of dreaming – though I recall no actual details. It had something to do with two figures standing side by side trading off seizures back and forth from no motion to motion. I built myself an insignificant crush, but tore it down tonight piece by piece. I simply scared myself for how high I built up this girl for not really knowing her all too well. I’ve been losing focus in my studies. I’ve been distracted. I am sad, and I don’t think I have much more to say at the moment. I wish to spend more time with my friend Don, or perhaps confirming plans with Todd. I am going to go sky diving soon, my work persuaded me to go; they are planning a group of ten people to go sky diving because the general manager has been feeling a bit out of it - his mother had just died. and i believe he thinks this may rejuvenate his spirits. I think it may be just the thing to kick up my spirits. Or perhaps I will go splat! Hehe, no no, I will be fine.

Outlast Apr. 11th, 2006 @ 09:26 am
"The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it."
- William James
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