So see the leaves fall to the ground

I love this icon. It is THE best and brings back memories of DD/TS...the good old days when Mary-Kate and Elijah were in love, and Emilie and Keira picked on Lij like there was no tomorrow. If you don't know what I'm talking about, clearly, you're just not in with the cool kids. Werd.

I am so freaking cold right now, and I think being over tired doesn't help. From now until June, I will be a vampire. In layman's terms, I will have skin as cold as ice and nothing can warm it up. What sucks is that it brings the pains I had last year back as well. The joints in my fingers, my shoulders and my arms...like hot needles passing through ice. I hate it. That with my never ending breathing issues make for a fun winter.

Saturday I find out if I'm going to a Masqued Ball or not. In Medieval Renaissance style. Just let me die there and I'll be happy. Maybe I'll find my Edward there. *dreamy sigh* I can already imagine what kind of writing will come from it, and lucky me, the ball falls right smack dab in the middle of NaNo. I'm looking forward to that creative immersion right there.

Oh yeah, I'm also going on a date with my brother. ^_^ We're going to the movies because we're two cool kids who are going to hang out for the day like we used to when we were closer. I like the man he is now, opposed to the one he was just a few months ago. This one is not stingy with love or offers to help out where he can. It's quite a difference.

Okay, I'm gonna go watch me a scary movie. I really should write since I have such a drive to, but I know it will put me to sleep. I'll just go to bed early tonight and it will all be good.

VoicePost 727K 4:04

(no transcription available)

Sometimes I wonder how I am able to function. Everything I do is a process, little connections being made in my brain, think before acting...at least that's how it's supposed to be. Most of the time I act before I think and that gets me in trouble sometimes. This may sound really random, but I swear I have a point.

Last night was my monthly writers meeting, now known as "The Scribblers" instead of just "the writes group." I look forward to that one night a month more than I can say. It's a place where like minded people gather to share creativity, offer encouragement, and provide one another with ways to grow in their art. We pray every meeting, though at different times. We laugh, we get serious, we...well, we laugh a lot. Members are always changing, though we have our core of Jan, Catherine, Jen, and myself always there. It's fun to see who will be there month to month, and always exciting to hear from someone new. With certain people you get invested and want to know more. Waiting a whole month to hear more is like torture sometimes! Well for once, at least for the first time from my point of view, I think I was the person who was handing out the torture.

Before I read the excerpt of my newest chapter Catherine, who was sitting beside me, said, "I love it when she reads," to another person there last night. Someone else said they always looked forward to when it was my turn to share. Someone else told me I was blushing. SO I read my four and a half pages, and finished to silence. Then the compliments came one after another, so that I almost felt like I couldn't take it.

For the first time in my life, I knew these were truthful statements coming from people who loved me. I mean, really care about me and my life. When you realize compliments are coming from someone who cares about you so much, they sink in differently. They feel...kind of like a puzzle piece fitting in where it should.

I had friends in high school and college who were always pestering me, wanting new stuff all the time, but last night was so different. I knew where I'd left them had them drawn in and wanting more, like the end of a "to be continued" show. Even long after I was done and we were eating our delicious pumpkin themed snacks, I was getting questions about the direction of it. Of course, I had to be careful of what I said because I didn't want to give anything away.

But I left there last night completely filled with joy, and warmth, and love for those I'd spent my evening with. What's more, I left knowing they all felt the same as I did, and that I was really loved. Even Pastor Roger, whom I only saw for a few minutes, made me feel nothing short of wonderful. It was just a really enlightening feeling. And when I thought it couldn't get any better, I got in my car, turned on the radio, and started for home.

Lately, all I've been listening to is the new Fireflight CD. I'll be the first to admit that it really should be the rehearsal CD for One Voice, but I just love Fireflight and all the guitarage in the music. Then a song came on, one I adore and was actually going to suggest for our next song to learn choreography to (if we ever have class again), called "Wrapped in Your Arms."

( Lyrics )

It was while I was listening to that song that I was somehow struck by how much God loves me. I think I can't handle to love and affection from four people in a room, God's love would simply blow me up if I tried to understand and fathom it. And yeah, every Christian is all "God's love is so deep, he loves every sinner. He loves me to the depths...blah blah blah." But seriously? How many, of us as we've said that, have really understood and felt what we were saying? I felt that last night and I just...I almost lost it. It was nine at night and I was driving, however, so I managed to not cry. But my heart wept because I realized that...wow. God loves me. That's enormous and amazing. I'm sitting here trying to put it into words, and I just can't.

At the beginning of class we used to do a warm-up on the floor to a song by Sovereign Grace Music, called "Oh, the Deep, Deep Love", and it was my favorite part of class. The song moved me from the very first time I heard it, the moves were so simple but filled with beauty and grace. And we were worshiping. I miss that. I miss it a lot.

I am so blessed, and in the way the world has programmed and tried to reprogram my brain, that's something I find easy to forget. God has been so good to me, and I'm gushing right now, and feel like I'm beaming. But seriously, realizing this love is life-changing. It has to be. If you say you realize His love and stay the same, you're just not getting it.

So now I go to play with a two-year-old that I couldn't love more if he were my own, and thank God for the time I get to spend with him. And I'm going to do the same when I have dinner with my family tonight, and play Guitar Hero with my brother. God's love is good, and it's amazing. And I want to share as much of it as I can, with everyone I can reach.

Oh my gosh, what a week. It wasn't even technically a week but it sure felt like it. Not a lot happened or went on but it just felt like...I don't know. Some moments went by super fast, others seemed to drag on forever.

I picked my mom up at three in the morning on Wednesday, and we were officially on the road by four. Meaning we'd stopped at Dunkin's and were on the highway. The truck was packed with everything we could ever need for food and drinks, but my mother insisted on stopping for almost every meal which was kind of irritating. I'd bought all this food to try and save us some money but...whatever. So I have all this food, vitamin water, tea and stuff leftover. Not exactly a bad thing, but she spent a lot of money of meals we didn't need to spend money on. ANYWAY!

The route we took was not at all close to the one Heather and I take to Ohio. On one hand it was a nice change of scenery, on the other, I missed my trip through Vermont. That's my favorite part of our road trips to Ohio. It's just so pretty. So on the way down, my mom kept saying that if there was any place I wanted to stop, we should do it. As in, stop to see any attractions. o_O Her brother is in the hospital with a very dismal outlook, but it's cool if we want to go and drive through the Blue Ridge Mountain Parkway. Yeah, I still don't quite get that. But then again, this is my mother.

We ended up stopping eventually in Roanoke VA and found an awesome place to stay. Now, let me just say, my truck SUCKS when it comes to gas mileage. I get 19 city and 22 highway. From here to Roanoke, we only filled up three times. That's completely impossible by any human standards. a full tank of gas will last me a week, maybe a week and a half just going to work and back, and church on Sunday. No way could I drive so long with only three full tanks of gas, had God not been the wind at our backs. I'm still blown away by it because in total, we only needed to fill up five times on the way down, four on the way home. So the hotel...

It was a Howard Johnson and the manager was the definition of awesome. He charged us $69 for a room we should have payed $94. The beds were super comfortable, the room was nice and clean, and the breakfast in the morning was actually pretty decent. They even had Folgers coffee! *gasp* And in the end, he didn't charge us for any of the phone calls we made. Just the nicest guy and totally God sent to us. We got up around 8:30 Thursday morning and headed out. It was close to 2pm by the time we got to the University Hospital in Knoxville, TN.

The area where my uncle was kept was like...I don't know. Crazy security and precautions and stuff. I only saw David very briefly before I was taken out to the waiting room because only two people could be back there at a time. He looked awful and not at all like me uncle. So sitting in the ICU waiting room, I started to have a panic attack. I was shaking, hyperventilating, and just ready to cry. Hospitals and I don;t agree with one another. I texted Freckles to talk about her day, something for a distraction, but she didn't answer quick enough. So I ended up texting Mark and he kept my distracted enough until we all left to go to dinner. I am more thankful than words could ever express for him and the great distraction he provided.

Dinner was at Panera with my aunt Judy, cousin Chris (whom I adore and hate at the same time) his wife Natasha, their 4yr. old son Parker, and Natasha's mom. Oh, and my mom. Judy is awesome, she and I used to be really close and it was nice to be able to spend time with her again. Natasha is cute and sweet, her mother is much the same. Parker is just adorable and SO southern. Chris...Chris is just a pain in my rear end. He's like my brother, only with a southern accent. I don't think the jabs on my height ever ended. Or my car, he liked to pick on my car. He was like, "I saw where ya'll were parked at. Couldn't miss the mobile billboard." I had fun with him.

We stayed at Chris and Natasha's that night and went back to see Judy and David in the morning. Well, my mom went in to see David. I couldn't bring myself to actually do it. The report I got was that his ribs were broken front and back, they were' keeping him paralyzed so when he did wake up, he wouldn't freak out and do more damage. His larynx was collapsing and they had to do a tracheotomy on him. But actually, he started to turn around once they did that. His color started coming back and his blood pressure started getting better. He was actually awake at time Friday morning. Judy said the first thing he did when he open his eyes was do the whole Vulcan eyebrow thing that my family is infamous for. Like he was like, "Okay, I'm in a hospital and I can't move or speak. WTH is going on?" They said his eyes weren't focusing on anything but he was looking around. He knew Judy was there because when she talked to him or touched him, his blood pressure evened out more. He was doing so much better by mid-day that they said Saturday, if a room became available, he'd be moved into his own room instead of being in ICU. So we'll find out more about that today.

Friday morning, I woke up and felt like crap. I was achey, freezing, tired, had a ginormous tooth ache that still hasn't gone away, and I felt like I was going to get sick. So I couldn't stay upstairs because I was a risk to everyone else up there.We ended up leaving and heading home around 2 in the afternoon and stopped in...um...Davisville VA? I dunno, it was, like, fifteen miles from the WV border. The manager there was also super nice, holding the door for us and all that. This room wasn't so nice as the HoJo and the breakfast was severely lacking, but it was a good place to sleep. In fact, I don't think I woke up once that night. Could have been the Nyquill, but still!

By the time I got home last night, it was close to 10. I slept really really well.

So today I am going to relax, look through the paper for more apartments and begin my new job hunt. Though, I'm almost feeling like it should wait until we know where we're going to be living. I dunno, I'll still look. And clean out my car. Other than that, I'm just chillaxin for the day, enjoying my time resting. Tomorrow it's back to normal, and I think I appreciate what normal is, just a little bit more.

Well it looks like I'm getting my longed after road trip this year after all. Sucks that it's to see an uncle who probably won't recover from all the serious injuries he's sustained from a 4 wheeling accident. I'm thinking it's going to be about a 24 hour spell in the car with my mom, and she doesn't drive. So I am going to go to bed almost as soon as I get home tomorrow, get up at 3 in the morning, pack my truck, go get her, and get on the road. If at all possible, I am going to drive it straight through. I drove from Cinti all the way home one year because Heather was so exhausted she just couldn't drive. This shouldn't be too much of a stretch. It's just an extra six hours.

Flying would be nice, however it's seriously crazy how much tickets would cost for two round trips to TN. Over $1000. It may end up costing that much in gas since my truck is a guzzler...not to mention if something breaks down like I am having this terrible, awful feeling it will. Brakes or CV joints...one of those are going to go. I just feel it.

Along with this, Heather and I are looking at apartments so we can get out of that apartment ASAP. We saw one Saturday that was just...I don't even know how to put the layout into words. I think it was designed by a blind architect and then completed by 3rd grad engineers. That's the only way it makes sense.

Today we're going to look at two more this afternoon so here's hoping one of them looks good. If not, there are a couple more tomorrow. And if nothing still seems to fit then Blue is going to go look at apartments with Heather for me. If Heather likes any she'll take pics and have Blue email them to me so I can give my opinion. It's our only option now.

So that's it. End of update.

I feel a lot better after ranting in my word-vomit journal. A lot better. I love that space to itty bitty bits and believe it may be saving my sanity right now. I have a plan, and I am going to try and act/speak in love and not be all..."listen to me because I am teh awesome" or anything. *snorts* Like I'd do that, anyway. Now for some memes. One is about writing, and the other is good music to download. Word up.

( stolen from Bert )


Well that was fun. Gave me some pretty good mental images that will keep me giggling for awhile. Now we'll do the next one. It invoilves music and has lots of available downloads. Take them!


( Music )


And just cuz I can, I wanted to offer some other really good songs.
Be Still :: Storyside B - I get goosebumps every time and want to cry.
In My Arms :: Plumb
Rockstar :: Prima J
Freedom :: Run Kid Run Another that makes me cry.
Scotland is Her Name :: Albannach
Secret :: The Pierces
Steal Away :: Celtic Thunder
The Gael :: Albannach This will most def. be on my book soundtrack!

Hope everyone can find something good from this rather long list.

This apartment is no place for a two-year-old. However, I have no other choice at the moment. I had to do some running around this morning with Blue and Connor, ultimately leaving Blue at work with the intention of returning to her house where my day with her son would commence as usual. That didn't quite happen. We got there and her in-laws had locked up the house. And I have no keys. So...I had to cancel my appearance at Dance tonight and bring the boy here. With no diapers, just a Little Swimmers. *headdesk* And to boot, Ian was bratty to me when I told him I wasn't coming. I can't wait for the next Sunday he misses church. *evil grin*

Anyway, Heather's coming home soon and I technically could go to dance but that wouldn't feel right with me. "Here, Heather. You miss Dance and watch the baby so I can go." No, we'll both stay here and watch him. And maybe let Blue and Mojo take us to dinner somewhere local so I can get to rehearsal on time. Yeah, still have to go to that even if I'm feeling like I don;t want to. That's a whole separate issue entirely anyway. For my other journal.

So when Connor wakes up we'll maybe go to the park. Or I'll clean up the apartment while Heather plays with him for awhile. Who knows? All I know is that there is a reason I am supposed to be home today and not away. And it's all good.

It's freezing out and I'm sick. This better be gone by tomorrow because I'm going to the Highland Games no matter what. Even if I'm sneezing, sniffling, and freezing. I'll find a nice Scotsman to keep me warm. ^_^

Bollocks. I hate getting a cold.

I like it when my doctor cancels on me, especially when I had to get the day off work to go see her in the first place. I don't even get a reason why, just that she has to reschedule all her appointments today. Whatever. Just a small annoyance. At least I get to work on cleaning the apartment today. That's the only thing I hate about being so busy. Heather and I are home long enough to make a mess but not long enough to really clean anything. Or if we are, we're just too tired. It kinda sucks because it looks like we don't care. I care to the point where I just want to throw it all out on the lawn so I don't have to worry about it anymore. Don't bother telling me how that doesn't really solve the problem. I know this, I'm just sayin'...

So my wife sent me some flairs on Facebook the other day, and one or two of them was about NaNoWriMo! At first I was like, "WTH? Seriously? Already?!" But now I'm really excited for it to be coming up. November is going to be an awesome month for me, if I have to make it awesome myself. I fully intend to participate in NaNo this year and win it again. Even though rehearsals for One Voice will be going on, my study group will be happening possibly bi-weekly, and we'll be moving, (if we're not moving in November, I will be packing my stuff into my truck and living in that. I need to get out of here!), and I better be working full-time somewhere by then. I am still determined to do and complete NaNo! How ambitious of me.

Bummer, my Fireflight CD did not come in today. This weekend I had the opportunity to see them, as well as Jeremy Camp in concert at Six Flags. It was amazing. I love Fireflight because they are my favorite style of music right now; the hard, almost alternative rock stuff is just awesome to rock to. They got the crowd nice and pumped, and then Jeremy came on. He was just phenomenal. Obviously a man who is totally and completely in love with God. I want a man like that, that has love for his Father radiating off of him.

We had the first real rehearsal for this year's Christmas production with One Voice. I kinda smirked a little when Melissa told me she was skeptical of it this go around, but after Monday I have to say I'm on the same page. It just doesn't feel right for some reason. Not that it's wrong, it just doesn't feel right. I'm not sure I can put it into words the right way. I'm hoping that will go away, though, because I really enjoy this group and performing together. My mom was like, "You should do your own! Get some people together, come up with a program. You still have time!" because I was saying how...kind of disappointed I am in what we're doing, and how I was really hoping DL would like the song I gave her by Avalon. They do this jazz/swing version of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" and it's so much fun. It would be a perfect opening number and I could totally picture what could be going on during the song, and...it just would have been fun. Alas, I am not the director and don't think I could run my own mini One Voice. What would I call it? Half a Voice? Laryngitis? *giggles*

This week I watched three very different movies and will probably watch another tomorrow. While Connor is sleeping, it's what I do. The first one I watched was "Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys" and I have to admit, I was delightfully surprised by it. I'm not really a fan of his but I watched this because it was getting good reviews. I adore Kathy Bates and Robin Givens, and it was just very well written. Very touching and almost reminding me of "Crash" with the way the stories intermingle.

Second was "Memoirs of a Geisha." If you've not seen this movie, I highly recommend it. It's just full of teh pretty, and I need the soundtrack. It was interesting at first when Zhang Ziyi appeared because all I saw was Ribbon. But as the story progressed, I was just completely enraptured. The photography, the music, the acting...all of it was just gorgeous. Especially Sayuri's dance at the tea house. Hatsumomo was perfectly evil and sweet at the same time. Mameha was a little older than I pictured when reading the book, but still wonderful. It's just a great movie.

Lastly, I watched "The Strangers" yesterday. I was sufficiently scared a few times...enough so that I was ever so glad when the baby woke up so I wasn't alone any longer. It wasn't the best horror flick I've ever seen, but it was pretty okay. I jumped the most at the beginning, and then the very end. All the middle was typical horror movie stuff. Blood, creepy people, swearing, running, screaming. Give me something fresh and make me feel like I'm having a heart attack. Then I'll be impressed.

Alright, I need to get cleaning before I decide a day off should be used for vegging and not taking care of my apartment.

To everyone who gave me encouragement and support, and especially to those who were praying alongside a crazy amount of other people praying for my brother. I honestly believe it is because of you that he came home yesterday.

We brought in at least thirteen letters of support for Steven from different people we know, his boss included. We brought in pictures of the swords that were left but are being given to someone. We brought in pictures of costuming, and the costumes itself. When we got there, his lawyer said he might be able to get him out on bail and there was a slight chance we'd be able to take him home. After we gave him the letters and everything, he left for close to fifteen minutes. When he came back was when he told us that Steven was out on PR and that would could take him home that day. Boscawen could have held him up for a day or two if they wanted to, but thay didn't.

We went out to dinner last night, the whole family, and it was the best time I have had with them in a very long time. He even made me try Guitar Hero when we got back to their place after dinner last night. I failed but not too badly.

He's got to go back in 45 days if it actually goes to trial, but the likely hood of that isn't great simply because they let him out on PR yesterday. So it's not completely over, but we almost couldn't be looking any better, And I praise God for his hand in this. I also thank Him for the amazing support system I have of people in my everyday life, but also for the close group of online friends I have.

Most of you I have never met and probably never will. Most of you I don't even get to talk to anymore because I have no time to be on AIM. Yet you still prayed and gave support. So thank you for that. You have no idea how much it means to me, and how much I love you all.

For those who have o idea what's going on...

Last Tuesday evening, I found out that my little brother was taken to jail. He was popped on a parole violation when he's not even technically supposed to be on probation. On top of that, the thing that he was or is now in trouble for is the collection of swords and armor he has on the walls of his bedroom. Something that has nothing to do with the reason he's been in trouble before. Nothing at all.

The Boscawen PD called my mother at work and made her believe that if she got down there with $40 he'd be free to go. So of course she went to pay it and they told her he was in Merrimack County. The $40 was just a processing fee and if they wanted to bail him out it would probably be around $20,000 cash. My parents are lucky if they have $200 to their name at the end of the week, on a good week. There's no way they have that kind of cash or could even get their hands on it.

So after being told Steven was allowed no phone calls and no visitors, we soon found out that he was going to be in Merrimack until his arraignment trial. Now we know he is being charged for four counts of a B class felony with a maximum sentence of 15 years in prison.

His Probation officer has had it out for Steven since the beginning, doing and saying things to be intentionally egging him on and such, going even so far as to call my mother names that I won't repeat. He'd never even met her at the time of the name calling. And he straight up told Steven that he was not going to help him become a better citizen, he was going to try and put him in prison.

We've spoken to a lawyer out in California, of all places, and she works in one of the offices Johnny Cochrain owns...or however you spell his name. She's very interested in the case and believes that Steven shouldn't even be in jail right now, where he's awaiting his arraignment hearing on Thursday. She told us if we can get at least $3,000 for a retainer, my family can make payment arrangements for the rest of it. She also told us her office will charge us no more than $9.000 total. If we could get the retainer by yesterday morning, which would be noon for us, she will fly out here to be at his arraignment Thursday morning.

My mother tried to sell two of her rings Sunday morning, something that would more than cover the cost of this lawyer, but we were told one ring was not what my mother thought it to be, and the other was damaged in a way only a jeweler would be able to see, making both rings of no value to him.

So I got home, sobbing, trying to think of anything and everything we can put on Ebay and Craigslist to get a real attorney this time instead of a court appointed one. Well in the middle of doing all that, we decided to spray the cats for fleas. We've had them for seven years almost and they have never had fleas before. Not an hour after they were sprayed, my cat, Venus, started foaming at the mouth and choking. So we sprayed her down in the tub to get all the stuff off of her, and tried to get her to drink water. About two hours later it happened again, so we had to traumatize her further and put her in the tub once again, this time actually having to wash her with baby shampoo to get all the flea stuff off of her. Peek-a-boo seemed to be okay, but Venus scared us for awhile. Today she is a lot better.

Sunday night my mom calls me to tell me she talked to Arnie Arnesen, a local woman who is very opinionated, has her own show on New England public television, and has a lot of pull in many different places. She said the whole thing was a load of BS, and if Barnes, Steven's court appointed attorney, did not represent him the way he should, we needed to call her and tell her. She also suggested getting pictures of everything and getting as many letters from as many different people as possible - something to give proof that we've been into the faires for a long time, that mom does all the costuming, that we're still trying to start our own business and everything. Those will help, and so far I have thirteen people and am still looking for more.

Last night my mom told me she called Barnes herself to try and plead with him. He was like, "I've been around the bush with this kid too many times before..." My mom said, "No, you haven't. You've represented him twice, and not even twice really, since you handed it off to someone else halfway through last time. I'm not asking much, but I do want you to listen to me." So he did, he actually listened to her talk about the ren faires and everything, and that is why they had the swords. She also told him I'm selling them for them...which I'm not. I'm going to keep them for myself unless they really want me to sell them. So today he's going to talk to the jerk, Adam Brickner, Steven's PO and see if he can just get the charges dropped all together.

So please pray for that. It's exactly what we need because this whole thing is so bloody ridiculous. And Steven is so scared. That's what makes it even harder. He's facing serious prison time over decorative swords. It's just...ARG!

I prayed with him last night, which I was surprised he actually let me do. By the end of it he was crying, which broke my heart in both good and bad ways. He was like, "Are you allowed to say 'freaking out?'" I told him I said friggen sometimes and he told me I might want to check on that. Then he quickly got off the phone because I know he was emotional.

It's just so messed up right now. We can use all the prayers we can get. My mother is an emotional wreck and doesn't eat unless she's practically forced to. My dad...gosh, my dad acts like his very life has been taken away from him. And yet he's trying to act strong for everyone at the same time.

So if you could, just pray for us. Anyone and everyone who will. I'll certainly keep updating as things progress, but I sincerely hope the next time I have to write about this, it's just to say the charges were dropped, and we've brought Steven home.

Things are going well in Steven's case. We have him a real lawyer, provided we can get the retainer together by noon Monday... The things that have been happening to get all of this together just blow my mind. I love to see God in action and all of this has been so freaking amazing. But I'm telling you, I have never felt more wound up than this in my life. Coupled with seriously muggy weather making it impossible for me to breathe, life is just peachy.

Now here's where I have people turn on me and get all mad or disappointed or whatever. I have to let the game go. There is now way I can keep up with it right now, modding especially,the way it needs to be. I'll keep my one character in Kait's game but that's it. It's all I can take right now. Eventually things will slow down but there is just too much to deal with right now and it will be crazy for too long to hang on to this. So Lee will probably know before anyone else because of this entry. Mackie second, because I'll send her a message, Sarah third, and then the game.

With work, dance, bible study, all this stuff with the boy and my parents, it leaves me very little time, and the time I do have I don't want to spend on the computer doing tags or mod stuff. People can be whatever they want toward me. I need to drop it. End of story. Just look up Evolutions on IJ and join that if you still want to game with me. I was going to app for Elle as well, but really can't do that. If she's still available when things calm down I will, or with and OC. But for now, I just have Claire. And I'm cool with that.

Found out tonight that Steven is being moved to Belknap County Jail where he will remain until his trial on October 24th. Then he will be charged on four B class felony counts of possession of a deadly weapon. The way things were explained to me, the best case scenario (other than his getting the case dismissed) is one year. Worst, fifteen years in Concord. Concord means prison, not jail.

I can't even think...can't even breathe right now. I just am barely even functioning. And I don't know what to do. I have cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in a very long time. And yet I know it's not over. It's not even close to being over.

How am I going to be strong enough to shoulder this one?

...that I hate the fact that I am single. Most days I'm okay with it. Right now, however, I wouldn't mind having someone who could just hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay. I don't have to believe it, he doesn't even have to believe it. Sometimes, the words just need to be said. And I could use that right now.

I had a good weekend, so I should have almost expected this. It seems like every time I leave home for any amount of overnight time, something happens. I'd blame myself for it all but I know how stupid that is. This weekend I went up to Mechanic Falls, Maine for the Family Weekend that CBC does every year. If I had to rate the good and bad, I'd say it was about 50/50. A lot of it felt more like a couples kind of thing and...well if the opening paragraph wasn't enough to clue anyone in that I'm single, here's your sign.

Anyway, I did have fun playing kickball with everyone, cards with Sara and Melissa. I got a lot of writing done, too. The times when Melissa was off by herself or Sara and Mel were busy and the main group was doing something, I wrote. I know they don't mean to be, or want to be cliqueish but it's hard to get in to that. Especially when everyone is paired off, and then there would be me. Not so fun feeling like the nineteenth wheel on a eighteen wheeler.

Spoons was fun though. Actually, I'm rather addicted to it and want to play it all the time now. I have a bruise on my hand from Sara pulling me across the table, and my watch was literally torn off my wrist. It. Was. Awesome. And then I came home.

Heather says we should look at one bedroom apartments as well as two bedroom because there could be one with a really big bedroom. I said absolutely not. If we're moving together, two bedrooms is the breaker. I will not compromise on this. And then Steven gets popped on a probation violation.

He wasn't doing drugs and hasn't been since he got out a couple months ago, neither has he been drinking. He's been working as much as he can to save up to buy his truck and get his license, and eventually move out to live on his own. What does he get pulled in for? Having swords on his wall.

Dear Adam Brickner,
You are a LIFE RUINER. Normally this is a term cast about in jest. This time, however, I mean every syllable with every single fiber of my being.
Quite Unsincerely,
Diana

He stands to face felony charges somehow and that's pretty much all I know. It's all messed up and I'm scared for him. I really am. My mother is falling apart and my dad is barely holding it together. So I'm going over there for dinner tonight to get any updates I can and try to get them partially sane. It's what I do in this family, after all. I am the bandager when things are broken and bleeding. And this one is gushing.

Tags will get done eventually. I don't think I have any right now, but there are still things that need to get done. Kait, I believe we're waiting on you in the Kitty thread. ;-)

And that's all. I think, since Connor is still sleeping, I will go try and write. My energy has been off all day and it's effecting him. I don't like that. So I need to figure out how to fix that even though I'll only have a couple hours left in my day by the time he wakes up. Writing will help. And who knows, maybe I'll have another chapter finished soon.

But don't hold your breath.

Well, the apartment in Meredith is no longer available. I was wicked bummed last night, let myself cry about it, and now I'm ready to move on. We're still going to look into a place in Meredith, but now it really is looking like we won't be out of here before November. Which seriously depresses me, but Heather wants to give our current landlords a month to find new tenants. I don't know what's customary to give the landlords, but that seems like a really long time to me.

I dunno. I'm just trying not to be too discouraged or frustrated by it all. What I do know is that I am wicked excited for this weekend. A bunch of us from CBC (and family) are going up to Mechanic Falls, Maine for the weekend. I'm not going up until Saturday because of a family reunion I have during the day Saturday. But then Freckles and I are driving up together to be there until Monday sometime. Happy happy!

In other news, it looks like I might have doing my bible study on two different nights for two different, smaller groups. Which is actually totally fine with me. I think it might be better that way somehow. I don;t know why, that's just where my thoughts are going. I do want to make sure I can get everyone together for the movie night once a month, though. That's important, too. My big hangup now, other than the fact that only one person has gotten back to me with a concrete answer as to when they can and can't do it, is that I really wanted to do it at my place. Were we moving right away, that would be perfect. Now that we're not, the plan is to go back to having it in the portables at CBC. Add that to my list of reasons for wanting to be out of here.

*sighs* Anyway....my living room needs to be cleaned so I should probably get to that.

Okay, so the Writer's Block question for today is something about being stranded on an island with a fictional character. I wonder how many put Edward Cullen? He was the first to pop into my mind but then I decided it would totally have to be Jacob. As far as fictional characters go, Edward is squee-tastic. But he's good for Bella. My personal choice would have to be Jake and it's all because of the last book. It made me love him more than Edward. But not by much, I will admit. Anyway, moving on.

So I know I never replied to comments left on my last rant and I'm sorry about that. I did read them, though, and took it all under consideration. I seriously appreciate people taking the time out to give me their views on certain situations.

Things have, it seemes, temporarily resolved themselves. Wow, that's not really very optimistic of me, is it? I'll say they have resolved themselves. Through a friend I found out about another apartment in the area I wanted. It's two bedroom, same rent price as the single bedroom, and I was told they pay almost nothing for electric even in the winter. We even walked past it Saturday and Heather wants me to find out more about it ASAP. She's even talking and making plans as though that is where we are going to move. So she has no big issue with moving to Meredith and that is SOOOOO excellent! Now to find out more about the apartment. I'm still not exactly sure where to start there.

Heather was stressing out yesterday about getting together a security deposit and all that, and I have to say it bummed me out a lot. She was like, "See if waiting until November is an option." I told her it isn't. October is PUSHING it. She's all freaking out about getting carpets in here plus getting a security deposit together. I'm not that worried about it for some reason. I have no idea where the money is going to come from, but I know it will come from somewhere. We're going to have a yard sale in a couple weeks so that should help at least a tiny bit. I'll...see what I can bear to part with and put it on Ebay. I will...I don't know. See if I can find a job that needs people to work on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Crap, that won't work. One Voice starts again in less than three weeks and Saturdays won't work. Unless I can do mornings. But then on retreat days...and Sunday is one of the days that may be for my Bible study...well, there goes that plan.

*sighs* I don't know. I'll figure something out. There's no way this apartment will wait for October. A month? Seriously? Okay, I'm not going to stress about it. For now, I'll just get this place as clean as I can and start boxing up things we don't need immediately. I think that's a good course of action for now.

I wasn't even going to update this morning since I have a meeting kind of early that I need to get ready for, but then I realized I sorta needed to if Mark and Cindy would be in the same place as Heather tonight. *snorts* Okay, that makes it sound like a fight would break out but it's not even anything like that. Anyway!

So big surprise, I got some council from Mark yesterday after I pretty much gave up. I'm beginning to think I should start paying him. >_> The giving up was a huge step backward for me, and I knew it, and he called me on it. I was too concerned with the feelings and reactions of others to evaluate if this was really where I was supposed to be headed. And I knew I was because I felt that yesterday when I had my little verbal tantrum. I knew that I was bending because people were pushing me, and it was in the wrong direction.

I was going to leave rehearsal early so I could go home and Heather and I could talk some more, and I was going to just lay it all out there, tell her I knew she was scared to be by herself but this was really pulling me. Well, I didn't get to leave until close to 8:30 because...well, things are just crazy with the concert coming up on Saturday and then the Sunday service. And we were going over how it would work and everything so I couldn't leave early. Before we were dismissed, though, we separated into groups to pray. I told my group a little bit about what was going on when other requests were shared, and it was prayed about. Here's where it gets cool.

I was pulling out of the church parking lot and I could hear this chick outside, singing into a microphone with a guitar. She's been at it for almost three hours. I drove past her, right past where the apartment is and these this small group of people in a park type area listening to Hip Hop music and dancing. All I could do was mentally blink and go, "Oh, heck no." I never realized how noisy that area can be at night. And thinking back on it, I've noticed it before, too. It just wasn't really all that important to me then.

By the time I got home, in that twenty minute drive, my heart had changed. I was willing to compromise and not win. I wasn't excited about it, but it wasn't something I was doing just to stop the "discussion". But if we were moving, which we are, it's going to be a two bedroom. Or else it's not happening. And Heather and I talked for awhile about it last night. She agrees on the two bedroom thing and said she's actually excited to move. In fact, she heard from someone today about a two bedroom down in Laconia, somewhere near Blueberry Lane but not on it, that is being renovated. She's going to get more details on it soon. So that's exciting. I'm still looking in Meredith since she decided that it was okay after all. "What's fifteen extra minutes?" she asked me. So I was like, okay then. Meredith is fair game!

So that's what it has boiled down to. We're compromising. Laconia is central to where we both spend a lot of time and it's actually closer to both. Two bedroom will give us space of our own, without being far away from each other. I'm good with that. Finding a place in Meredith would still make it perfect, but it may not be where God wants me. And I'm okay with that.

So it seems like for every two people who think this move is a good idea, there are seven who think it bites. And to be honest, the more people who get upset or whatever about the idea, the more I want to do it. I'm tired of living my life and letting everything I do revolve around how it's going to make everyone feel. This is huge, and this is for me. Maybe it's time I do something huge for me and let people deal with the way they're going to handle it by themselves.

*screams*

Thee, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I might be able to type rationally. Expect this apartment to come up a lot in the next week or whatever because it's pretty consuming right now.

I managed to depress my mother last night. That was a nice twist in the knife that's been in my side for four days now. If there was an award to be given to someone who could make another person feel like crap with the least amount of words and the shortest amount of time, it would go to my mother hands down. She makes me feel guilty for wanting my own life, and leaving Heather had nothing to do with it. I told her everything, as I always do, in hopes that she'd be the adult, the supportive and objective parent that I always wanted her to be but have never ever seen, and she all but sulked. She was like, "So...what about our land? Does that mean you want Steven to have the guest house?" I had to just stare at her for a minute because it was like...are you kidding me right now? My answer was, "Well obviously that would change. When/if we get this land, I want to be there." I have to be there to help build, hire, run the business and everything. And I am so okay with that. "But right now," I continued, "this is being presented to me. This very moment."

She got all quiet and her shoulders sagged and everything. After a few moments she was like, "I guess I always knew you wouldn't be coming there with us." Wow, okay, another dagger in the side, pre-twisted. And I'm sorry, but that response was seriously over dramatic. She wasn't listening to me at all. So we didn't talk about it for awhile until I asked, "Did I make you sad?" She said all these different things and I replied, "But you didn't say no to my question."

"I just feel like we've already lost so much of you since you started going to CBC."
"How do you feel like you've lost me?"
"Well...I don't go to church anymore. We don't see you as much as we used to..."

o_O So it's my fault you don't go to church? You don't have a husband with a vehicle who, if you asked him, would probably bring you? And I'd still be coming down once a week! Why do people not want me to do this? I want one good reason. One good reason!

And now I've just talked to Heather's mom and she said Heather was freaking out last night. Like seriously, she was saying, "I can't lose her. I don;t care where we go, I just can't lose her."

Seriously? I just don't even know anymore. I'm so freaking tense and stressed out that I'm almost at the point where I don't care. Yes, I want this apartment, but if it's going to send everyone over the edge...then we'll just compromise. We'll find some two bedroom place in Laconia or wherever. I can't handle depressing my mother any further or sending Heather into a mental breakdown. I'll talk to her tonight and set her mind at ease about this so she can stop freaking out. I'm not going to call and inquire about the apartment in Meredith. We'll just do what we need to to this place and then get out.

I was sitting here wondering how one little issue could cloud my thoughts so constantly and kind of leak into everything I do, effecting the way I thought things out and acted in certain occasions. Of course then I realized how little a thing this thing isn't. Moving is not a small issue, especially when it could possibly send someone into a nervous breakdown. That's not exactly something I want on my shoulders right now. But let me start from the beginning instead of just jumping right into the middle of everything.

After Heather said no, I honestly sat on the couch, appearing to watch Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit with her, but going through everything in my head, trying to figure out how I can do this apartment thing on my own. I actually had things semi worked out, too, and I was excited about the prospect of it. In the back of my brain I kept wondering what Heather would do and that small voice got louder as the night went on. SO then I was like...crap. She said no, pretty much flat out, and wasn't even going to entertain the idea of it. I truly believe that Lacy mentioning this apartment was a God thing. Honestly. Where the heck else would it come from? Why else would Lacy randomly think of me when she heard about it? So all day Monday I was trying not to let my brain continue down that path of, "Well if I did this, then this could happen..." and all that. Not really all that easy with my brain. It's like an entity of its own, I swear.

So I went in early to Dance so I could talk to Mark, and left feeling better about the situation. I was going to tell her exactly how I had been feeling about it, and that I really felt like this was a great step forward. Except I knew she was still upset and that, what I was going to tell her was not going to help any. So most of class was really just...awkward. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not the most graceful person in the room. Doesn't matter who else is in the room, I will never be at the top of that list. But this was like my first dance class ever. I forgot moves that have been drilled into my head for months, my posture was bad, my lines were terrible...it was just a train wreck. Until, and here's the cool thing, we were lined up for one of the last times to go through what we've learned so far of the new dance. I was standing there, waiting for our sides turn to go, and heard God speak to me through a mental reminder of something Ian says every now and then. "Don't think about what you're doing, just worship it." I literally felt the tension go out of me then, and just danced. And it felt so good, I cannot even tell you. After class I gave Heather a bug hug and apologized for the night before, for ending her weekend by putting her in a crappy space. She said she was just stressed about so much, friends moving all the wya to Texas for one...and then she pulled away from me and was like, "And I can't live by myself right now. I will fall apart."

... Okay, so that plan went flying out the window. I called Mark after she went to bed that night and got another small pep talk, going to bed with the resolve to lay it all on the table for her tomorrow night. We were going to go out to dinner and talk.

Yesterday she came home from work and there was a tangible tension exuding from her as soon as she walked in the door. She was home maybe five minutes before she sat on the arm of the couch, looked at me, and said, "Are you moving out?" She was looking at me like I'd run over her dog...and cat...and favorite stuffed rabbit. It was as if she had aged ten years in a day, and my mouth said "no" before I could even think about it. And it was amazing! Most of the tension around her went away. She was very tired and that stresses her out, but I knew a huge portion of it had come from me and was now gone. I wanted to slap myself for not being forthright with what had been going on in my head since Sunday afternoon.

The 99 was our chosen destination for dinner (why we went there, I can't tell you. I'm not a fan of the place and neither is Heather. I think it was just for a change,) and we took in a notebook so that things could be written down as we discussed them. She was under no pretense that moving was not going to be discussed at all, hence the notebook. She listed the things we needed to do to this apartment before we could move anywhere, and they are things I agree that need to be done. Good start to the conversation. So then talk turned to location. She said she knew I really wanted to be in Meredith but couldn't see herself there. She has to get up early as it is to be at work in Canterbury for two days and couldn't imagine having to get up a half hour earlier. Church wasn't too big an issue, it was those two days that were killing it for her. I was nodding, not really saying much because I did understand. She was talking to someone who is the farthest thing from a morning person. Believe me, I understand. But I wasn't saying hardly anything.

Eventually she asked me what I was thinking. And honestly, for a minute I couldn't speak because I would have started crying. What I wanted to say was, "I want this apartment more than anything I have wanted for a very very long time." However, I think I just stuttered for a few seconds. In the end I think I said something like, "I'm just having a really hard time letting this go." And that was all I could say because I was just so close to tears at that point. She said she understood how perfect it was for me, but brought up the commute, the jump in rent, other things again that she was having a hard time even thinking about. I told her I understood where she was coming from because I didn't want her to think I was discounting everything she was saying. But... She asked me what I was doing today and I told her about my plans with Dona Lynn. At one point I said I'm starting to feel like I live at CBC, how's it going to be when my bible study gets started and One Voice starts back up again in a couple of weeks? She asked me how I felt about that and I said, "Honestly? I love it. It's the commute and the constantly having to gas up my truck that makes it so hard."

I thought about it, and with the amount I spend on gas just to go to Meredith and back three times a week (which it will be more soon) I would save almost $30 a week. That's $120 a month. Granted, each Wednesday or some night I would be driving to Boscawen to see my parents but other than that, for the most part I would be walking everywhere! What would go up in rent, I would be saving in gas! But that thought totally didn't even occur to me until this morning. But there are better employment opportunities for me there, I'm closer to so many more people. So then I asked her where the panic came from the night before, and she said she just felt like that was what I was going to say to her, that I was moving out. And she said she couldn't handle it right now. Maybe after Blue and Mojo are gone, but not right now.

So here I am, wanting to be on my own in this apartment in Meredith, and there's Heather, not wanting to be on her own and not wanting to be in Meredith. I believe this is called an impasse. I told her honestly that after she shut me down Sunday night and practically gave me an ultimatum, I was thinking through how I could do it on my own. She said she knew I was and that was what was scaring her. But then she started to change her tone. Telling me to look more into it and just...giving up. And for some reason that really irritated me. I wanted her to just be like, "Maybe I'll see if Mom and I can get a place together or something," or throw out some other sort of suggestion. I didn't want her to bend to my being pulled just because she didn't want to live alone. Or away from me, I guess is more the point. It really bothered me. Mostly, I think, because I'm feeling like it's time to go it on my own. Not to go my own way because hanging out and being us after dinner is something I can't lose. Not now, not ever. But I'm ready to be an adult on my own. At least until someone wises up and realizes he wants to marry me.

*sighs* But that's the status report so far. I'm honestly praying that God either changes my heart about this apartment, or living with Heather...or that something comes along for her. Some sort of opportunity that she feels like she can't pass up and it empowers her enough to want to try another alternative to us living together. I would prefer the latter for so many reasons, but I'll go with God on this one. So far, I'm still clinging to that apartment and my independence. After I get done with Donal Lynn today, I'm going to call the woman who owns the building and talk to her. I'd like to know what rent is, what the apartment looks like and to see if there is a time to go look at it. And in the meantime, I'm just going to keep praying about it. That's all I think I can do for now.

I got shot down on the apartment thing before it even fully left my lips. So then my brain went about trying to figure out how I could do it by myself and worked out a real plan. I want to move. Yesterday.

The Writer's Block thing for today is a loaded question. I was going to do one but saw what it was and snorted. I'm exceed the character limit with my answer.