This questionnaire was originated by French television personality Bernard Pivot, and made famous by the ever unctuous and orange James Lipton on Inside the Actor's Studio
1. What is your favorite word?
Butch.
2. What is your least favorite word?
Lice.
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Really interesting people. And endless belly laughter. If you're not interesting and you can't (or worse, won't) belly laugh with me, you're out, motherfucker.
4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
People who are ungenerous with their praise. Creative people who are made small and threatened by the talent of other creative people. People who don't get that there is more than room enough at the table for all those who have the talent, drive, and desire to be there.
5. What sound or noise do you love?
My sweet son's voice whispering, "Miff?", as he wakes me up in the morning with a gently laid hand on my arm.
6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Cupboards, drawers, dishes, and pots and pans being slammed and clanged around in passive-aggressive silence. Fuck that and fuck you.
7. What is your favorite curse word?
Motherfucker.
.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
The kneesock and be-liederhosened hostess on the Storybook Land Canal Boats at Disneyland.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
Clean-up crew in Gaza.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Where you been, motherfucker? The fridge is stocked with icy cold Diet Coke, and Paul Newman and Ted Hughes are both shaved down and waiting for you in your room. Get back on it!
This is the single greatest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. In fact, I would go so far as to say that now...this is my life.
And while you're mesmerized by its brilliance, just in case there is any doubt as to my claim -- trust me...oh, it is.
A husband and wife were sitting and watching TV
when the man turned to his wife and said...
"Honey, tell me something that will make me
both happy and sad, all at the same time."
She thought about it for a minute and then answered,
"You have the biggest dick of all your friends."
Now, the way the Muffaletta Mystery Meme works is that I've got a secret list of questions which I'm not going to post; I'm just going to post the answers to those questions.
If you are (bi)curious George and are dying to know the questions themselves, comment with your addy and I'll email them to you. Then -- when you finally come down off the three day crystal binge and pull the Love's Baby Soft bottle out of your ass -- you can fill out the MMM and post your very own answers on your very own journal.
Do it if you'd like.
And if not?
Fuck right on off, lady.
Here are my answers:
1.
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sticky_wicket2.
flotpod3.
starmiranda4.
evilegg5.
leakyandsnort6.
justkimu7.
nshgrl8.
anjiyama9.
trailofstars10.
robertainnc11.
chreebomb12.
psychepreserved13.
audrawilliams14.
dcart15.
theoryofgravity16.
beelavender17.
paintedbooklady18.
sophistimicated19.
susansbeeswax20.
phaenix_ash21.
maudelynn22.
gordonzola23.
gusset_putty24.
24hourmama25.
unemployia26.
chloesha27.
cindimama28.
remfrance29.
chuckvideo30.
tracijeanThe odd part about this is that it actually made me feel better.
It reminded me that every little thing...is gonna be alright.
From Susie Bright:
Like everyone else in Alaska, Sarah Palin had "premarital sex." Like every other Alaskan of my generation, she smoked weed. She lived close to nature and was familiar with the unsentimental cycle of life, death, and birth. She works hard and plays hard. It's no joke that there's nothing much to do in those months of darkness besides fuck, hunt, fish, smoke, and drink. Her teenagers are apparently following in their parents' footsteps... they too, are having sex, and now one of them, Bristol, is said to be pregnant, for the first time. (Her boyfriend says on his MySpace page: "I don't want kids.)"
No one would give a whit about any of the Palin peccadilloes if Sarah hadn't made such a spectacle of herself campaigning as a pro-lifer, gay-hater, abstinence-monger, Creationist-dork. Where does she get off mandating public policy that tells anyone how to live their life?
Click your silly ass here to read the rest of Susie Bright's awesome column on the subject.
This will show you, in perfect clarity, a little something about the shameless lies, hypocrisy, and malfeasance of the criminal machine that is attempting a third takeover of this country.
So watch, and learn. It's right there in black and white; if you voted for Bush, you stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which must now be washed and sterilized, so if you now vote for McCain -- you get NOTHING.
A bonus: in all it's political brilliance...it's also a HUGE BELLY LAUGH.
God bless Jon Stewart.
beerkitty, for a heads up on this one: A former heartland Republican who has jumped ship on his elitist, malfeasant, out-of-touch party, Barney Smith of Marion, Indiana, now proudly supports Barack Obama -- and in this delightful speech at the recent Democratic National Convention in Denver, he tells us exactly why...and, rightfully so, receives a rousing, rollicking standing ovation in the process. Keep a close watch for 1:31.
How To Tell People They Sound Racist
conservatives.
it's a kind of lifelong mental vapor-lock.
but when a young radical ends up an
old radical
the critics
and the conservatives
treat him as if he escaped from a mental
institution.
such is our politics and you can have it
all.
keep it.
sail it up your
ass.
-- Charles Bukowski, "having the flu and with nothing else to do"
At one point, I felt a little parched and wandered over to some snack stand to get a Diet Coke. When I looked up at the kid waiting on me from behind the counter, I just started OPENLY BELLY LAUGHING in his gottdamned face. I said, "I would like a medium Diet Coke, honey, but before we get to the commerce portion of our program, I am going to get out my camera and take a picture of you. And further, I am not even going to tell you why I am taking a picture of you because I'm just going to assume that's it's pretty obvious."
And I did.
You gotta be fucking kidding me with this.
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."
Top this, goddamnit. If that's not a brilliant, double-Jabberjaw sharkface -- executed with passion, genius, and FULL COMMITMENT right there in broad daylight on Burbank Blvd. -- well, then, I just don't know what is.
My gorgeous sister, Jenny, and her toothy little friend:
Hey, kids, it's time once again for "The Significant Other Meme"! I totally loved doing this one -- because it's all about a subject on which I just love to wax poetic, ad nauseum: Gregory!
1. They are watching TV. What are they watching?
Oh, god...Gregory has such a talent for this. Every time he turns on the television, no matter what time of day or night it is, it is a mathematical certainty that one of the following shows will be on. It’s spooky because it’s almost as though he conjures them out of pure desire: Deadliest Catch, Iron Chef, Man vs. Wild, Mythbusters, Southpark, and his new favey fave, Weeds. But his most beloved shows of all time are Extras and Get a Life. Oh, and because our oldest daughter is a fashion design student, he has been a devout Project Runway acolyte since the first episode of the first season. Yup. He called it before it was cool.
2. You're out to eat. What kind of dressing do they get on their salad?
He will either get bleu cheese or a wet and dry dressing, i.e., balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil with bleu cheese crumbles on top.
3. What's one food this person doesn't like? What's one food this person could not live without?
Loathes: The humble and hideous lychee nut (they smell like LOAD.)
Loves: Cheese. All kinds. The stinkier, the better. Ah, The Feet of the Angels! We followed our noses throughout Europe, stopping at every odiferous cafe, cave, market, and fromagerie we could find. He occasionally threatens to quit his job and become a full-time cheese monger. Hey, are you taking applications,
gordonzola? 4. You go out to the bar. He/she orders...
A Heineken at a bar, a Guinness black and tan at a pub, a Sapporo when out for sushi. Apparently, he’s a very thematically appropriate drinker.
5. Where did he/she go to high school?
Lexington High School in Lexington, Massachusetts.
6. What size shoe do they wear?
10 or 10 ½.
7. If this person were to collect anything, it would be...
Hands down: Art. Modern, such as Picasso, Klee, Miro, Pollock…or work from The Dutch Golden Age. Just as he has a brilliant ear for music, he also has a brilliant eye for art. His taste in all things aesthetic is absolutely impeccable.
8. What is their favorite type of sandwich?
Turkey and avocado on some delicious, interesting, exotic bread.
9. This person could eat ______ everyday.
Sushi. In fact, we have actually made a pledge to each other –- to someday be successful enough to afford to eat sushi everyday. Spicy Tuna makes our hearts race and our pulses quicken. That's some incentive to succeed, I gotta tell you. Breath Like Prom Night for the rest of your natural life. Bring it.
10. Favorite cereal?
Shredded Wheat or Raisin Bran.
11. This person wouldn't be caught dead wearing?
Ha! We actually joke about this all the time. Sandals, a Hawaiian shirt, and what he and I hatefully call a “Zydeco” hat –- such a fucking Boomer uniform. Fuck the Boomers. Never!
Some anonymous Boomer in a slick, expensive Zydeco hat -- thinking he looks ICE COLD, no doubt:
12. Favorite sports team?
The Boston Red Sox. And yes, our son the sports writer is a to-the-death Yankees fan. And yes, I realize that this means war.
13. Who will he/she vote for?
O'bama.
14. What is their sign?
Cancer…and all that that implies.
15. What is something you do that he/she wishes you didn't?
And speaking of applied astrology, I suppose I am not always as vigilant about taking care of my health as Cancer would like me to be, i.e., I am not always as thorough as I could be about making sure I take the necessary pain and preventative medications when it becomes unbearable. I like to pretend that I have perfect health, you see. It's more fun that way.
16. How many states has this person lived in?
Four: Massachusetts, Minnesota, Washington, California.
17. What is his/her heritage?
Russian Jew...with a little Romanian thrown in just for good vampiric measure.
18. You bake them a cake for their birthday. What kind do you bake?
Chocolate with chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles and chocolate filling and chocolate lube oozing from my cooter as I serve it up in a chocolate licorice t-back thong. This is a motherfucker who likes chocolate.
19. Did he/she play sports in high school?
This question actually made me belly snort out loud. If guzzling hooch pilfered from one’s parents’ liquor cabinet, endlessly listening to Bob Dylan records, and staggering through the woods of suburban Boston yelling into mailboxes with drunken buddies qualifies as a sport, then the answer is a resounding yes. He lettered, even.
20. This person could spend hours...
Watching “Lawrence of Arabia”, reading about “Lawrence of Arabia”, and talking about “Lawrence of Arabia” –- and has. And this is just reason #672 of why I absolutely adore him!
21. He/She wants a new...
Presidential administration.
22. The CD I would probably find in their vehicle is...
Anything by Frank Black, Elvis Costello, Radiohead, Stereolab, Queens of the Stone Age, The Breeders, The Shins, and The Like.
23. What can you do that will guarantee a laugh from him/her?
Wear a big, fuzzy mouse suit whilst smoking a cig with a bored, jaded look on my face. Lays him out every time.
24. Does he/she get along well with their family?
Well, they’re still alive, aren’t they? Define your terms.
25. If money wasn't an option, I would buy him/her...
A life of non-stop travel, discovery, and adventure; a life lived out of a suitcase. A life of unlimited railpasses and unlimited dreams.
My Great Uncle Pete was a pretty famous Western painter and rodeo cowboy in the earlier part of the 20th Century, and his ever-present paintings provided some of the mightiest and most memorable images of my childhood. He worked out of Tuscon, Arizona and legend has it that he and the uber-butch actor, Lee Marvin, used to regularly get pissed together in The Tap Room bar at the now historic Hotel Congress. Apparently, several of his paintings still hang there. Despite the official word, knowing my family, they were most likely traded as payment for bar tabs run amok. Where there's smoke, there's fire.
From their website:
The Tap Room has been popular with the locals since its inception in 1919. In the late 1930s and 1940s, the Tap Room was given its touch of western class. Pete Martinez was a famous artist and rodeo cowboy. While he roped & bucked with the best in New York, his artwork was featured in art exhibits, including the lobby of the Garden & Woolworth Galleries. He retired in Tucson with his wife. Though it’s been suggested that Martinez painted pictures to pay for his keep here at Hotel Congress, they are just rumors. His paintings grace the walls of the Tap Room for one simple reason — it was his watering hole. He enjoyed the company and the drinks so much that he bestowed some of his art to show his appreciation. Many celebrities and regular folk collect Pete Martinez’ work — in fact, we are regularly asked to sell his work to collectors. We always smile and say “No”. We want his work to remain where he felt at home.
Yeah, right. Way to clean up the filth for the unwashed masses. Even though Uncle Pete was certainly one of the more savory characters in my family's tawdry, madcap history, he was no saint, either. He is, after all, related to me.
A few years ago, I was casually thumbing through a ragged copy of Architectural Digest magazine in my Rheumatologist's waiting room and was pleased and surprised to find that apparently one of the most avid collectors of his work is the actress Diane Keaton. She has several paintings of his hanging in her exquisitely restored Spanish Colonial home in Los Angeles, including a rather uncharacteristically large piece of his that serves as the aesthetic centerpiece of her formal dining room. When I saw the pictures, it made me smile to discover that one of my delightfully scandalous clan actually excelled at something other than crimes committed or time served.
Hurray for Great Uncle Pete.
* 1. Post these rules.
* 2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about themself on their journal (that other people don't know)
* 3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 8 people
* 4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them
* 5. Fuck off, lady. I don't tag.
Hmmm...now what don't you adorable bastards know about me?
1) I have a whole slew of really marvelous Ethiopian friends that I used to waitress with way back when I worked at Bob's Big Boy in Fresno. I have not seen them in years and miss them fiercely. So connected were we that one evening over a traditional Ethiopian dinner, they all got together and collectively decided that I qualified as an official Ethiopian -- and they even bestowed upon me a name in their lovely language of Amharic: Denkenesh Tesseme. From what they told me, Denkenesh means "you are extraordinary" and Tesseme means "and the whole world will know about you." So humbled and honored was I that to this day, whenever I am fortunate enough to meet an Ethiopian in my travels, I always remember to introduce myself in my Amharic name -- and they always belly laugh and get a huge kick out of it. Bring on the injera, motherfuckers!
2) I am a proud, defiant high school drop-out. One morning, early in my junior year, I was hurrying to class and just stopped dead in my tracks in the hallway outside Geometry. At that moment, I simply made the decision to stop attending. I wanted to learn what I wanted to learn -- not the useless, meaningless, uninteresting horseshit they were blowing up my cerebral cortex. So, for the duration of what would have been my high school career, I hopped my fatass on the bus everyday and headed on over to the Fresno County public library -- and just started at one end and worked my way through. It was truly the most glorious sort of education: the kind fueled by passion, ambition, insatiable curiosity, and a really long-running, hilarious, byzantine dodge of the various bumbling truant officers who hunted me for almost two years. Despite stalking me relentlessly, I was like some sort of slippery, smirking, belly laughing fox in Famolare sandals who always managed to evade their authoritative snares; they never managed to take me down. Don't get between a bitch and her books, I say. As you can well imagine, I am an ardent supporter of libraries, librarians, and the culture of books in general.
3) My hilarious sister, Jenny, made me unexpectedly BELLY LAUGH and spray Pellegrino at dinner the other night when, between the first and second courses, she proudly announced to the table that when she doesn't bathe for a day or two, her undercarriage smells exactly like a "rat cage." As soon as my ribs stopped aching and I mopped the fizzy water off of my chin and chest, I helpfully suggested that she employ the same method our mother uses when faced with the same substandard hygienic conundrum: the now infamous Scope mouthwash douche.
4) Because a pock-marked babysitter once forced me to eat an immense bowlful despite my earnest pleadings that the earthy, throaty taste of it made me sick -- and because I then threw it up all over my mother's nicest plastic tablecloth -- to this day, I still do not eat mushroom soup. Aside from a handful of exotic meats, and the "economy cuts" of regular domesticated creatures that I patently refuse to consume (the ones Chef Anthony Bourdain refers to as "The Nasty Bits"), mushroom soup is one of the few foods of which I will absolutely not partake. If truth be told, I find overly-picky eaters to be some of the most annoying bastards on the planet and I certainly don't play that shit in my own home. I give everybody a get-out-of-jail-free card on just five foods -- FIVE. Anything above and beyond that is irritating, unreasonable, and simply not happening. Big Fattie don't play.
5) And speaking of chow, I have probably the healthiest diet of almost anyone you know -- hateful, judgmental, dreadlock-sporting, co-op-belonging, patchouli-reeking, tahini-drenched, hippified motherfuckers included. My husband, along with the plethora of medical specialists who treat me, always scratch their heads and ask me the exact same question: "How on earth is it that you are fat?" Just lucky, I guess.
6) Despite it being a wholly unremarkable film by most standards, the scene in Far and Away where they show The Oklahoma Land Rush takes my breath away, reduces me to tears, and brings me to my knees every time. There is something so pure and beautiful about all that it represents -- all those determined people literally racing towards their dream. It exemplifies what is best about our country and our culture. It is America:
7) Aside from my Great Grandma Mary -- who was a goddamned saint in black witch shoes and a sensible floral housedress -- all the women in my family are notorious whores...myself, of course, included. We got no shame! Don't like it? Wanna judge me? Fuck off, lady! You don't know me!
8) And speaking about being a shameless hooker, I was recently asked who, in my opinion, is the sexiest man who ever lived. Coincidentally, my answer also happens to be one half of the most adorable couple who ever lived.
Goddamn, do I love me some cute jew boys.
I don't remember the last time I fucking belly laughed this hard.
1962
1966
1968
1978
1980
1984
1986
1992
1994
2000
AWESOME EARTHQUAKE FOOTAGE
As I was watching this, I found myself absolutely riveted and unable to take my eyes off that hilarious robot face -- and all I kept thinking to myself was that underneath all that cardboard, tinfoil, and duct tape that person was probably thinking to himself:
"Motherfucker. I have spent my whole life being a kind and true and dignified person -- and now this building is coming down on top of me and when they dig my fucking body out of the rubble three weeks from now, I AM GOING TO BE WEARING THIS CHEESY GODDAMNED ROBOT SUIT. This is not how I wish to be remembered."
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