A good part of Adrian's and few weeks of long distance courtship consisted of torturing our mutual friend Firebyrd, who didn't know that we were getting together. She's told Adrian that he's being a big liar before because he tends to exaggerate or something. I don't quite understand. But this played a big part of our fun with her.

See. Adrian made a bet with Firebyrd about how he was going to get me (the cheapest person hermit in the world) to fly out to see him. Not even that we were together but that I'd fly out to him. Well, she didn't believe him so he had to provide photographic evidence. No problem. He discusses it with me and jokingly suggests having me tied up and smiling as his picture evidence. Haha, sure! He's joking, right?

Nope. So I had to, uh, put out for that and the bonus photo of him kissing me while I'm tied up. Firebyrd protested that it was taken on a bed. I was fully dressed! And it was a futon. :p

So the stakes were decided as Firebyrd's immortal soul (but realistically a custom pony from her for each photo) and a camel spider from Iraq on Adrian's part.

Obviously she lost. It was great. Adrian and I joke about how we shattered her world and she said that she'd thought about playing match maker for us but didn't think I'd go for something long distance. I wouldn't. Except...it's Adrian. I do a lot for him that I'd shy away from for someone else and the reward is that he returns it with interest every time. Despite our trick, Firebyrd was generous enough to tell Adrian that she'd honor the bet even though she was utterly set up to it.

And just to prove that it doesn't pay to be generous, Adrian and I have decided we're not having a wedding ceremony until she finishes them. >:)

Have continued to not post because whenever I'm typing it's usually either in a conversation with Adrian or an email to Adrian. My world is not named Adrian. He's just a very habitable continent with an excellent climate and landscapes that make me weep at their wonderfulness (I'd say beauty, but it doesn't end at being merely beautiful). :)

The thought that I am married still gives me pause at times. I mull it over and it's an odd thought. How can I be married? I don't feel any different. I feel different things. It's...not the same thing as feeling different. It's still unexpected. It's...what will it be like when he's living here with me? Waking up each morning to one another? Cooking food together? Doing laundry?

Giddifying if that's a word. And even if it isn't. ;)

Adrian and I talk a lot. I mean hours. Every day. I know for a lot of people it's like they get married and suddenly they're fighting for time with their spouse. We fight too. Our jobs keep us apart because we're working different hours. Hell, our jobs keep us apart because we're in different freaking countries. :) But we give up what we have to to find time for each other.

Hmmm. I think I've been having trouble writing this because I felt like I should be funny and lighthearted and witty about all of it. But I take this very seriously. I mean, you find someone that can get you to have multiples when they're across the world, you do what it takes to keep them! Like send them the thong you wore when you were getting married.

Okay, not a keeping gesture. More like an amusing one. Deeply amusing. (and sexy shhh)

Luckily we're now able to have video conversations so I can get back to brainwashing him properly. Look at the shiny, Adrian. That's right. Oh, the shininess. Now. You don't care that I cannot be a perfect little Mormon wife* for you, do you? No, of course not... You're the kitchen bitch... You will bear our litter of alien babies...

* No, he's not even Mormon. Buddhist. Ah, the religion of my mother that she...never passed on to me. Huh.


I have had a quiet, easy life. A little too quiet and a little too easy, but that's a different complaint. Adrian's had it hard. He works hard for everything he has. I don't know how he managed to be so remarkable and un-bitter. He has plenty of reason to be bitter (though no choice at all about being remarkable now that I think about it). He's almost shut down on me a few times because I said something that triggered an old emotional reflex and he has to work through it. It pisses me off that he has to. That he ever had to go through whatever they put him through over and over again. I guess that's why we spend time talking about how we could have hooked up then or then or anything to have kept the other from having to go through what they did with other people.

It's hard to say if it would have worked if we had. I felt like I was an emotional cripple for a number of years. Mostly because I was. ;) But then he had issues too. We could have been emotional cripples together! *choir sings* The core of us hasn't changed over the years. The same feeling of wanting to give and spoil and cherish the person we're with would have unfolded. And considering how he makes me feel now, when I am strong, the fields of our souls would have blossomed as if they were Eden...

...to put it as cornily as possible. :) Or more simply: we would have thrived. It's impossible not to when you're with someone that makes you feel safe and then encourages you on top of it.

So I'm thriving. I'm happy. I'm getting laid. Not getting a heck of a lot done. Not reading many books or playing many games. Not fixing my web site.

But time with Adrian? Priceless.

I've meant to catch up here, but not so much that I've actually done it. In short: everything has changed. In less short I've aquired: an apartment, a cat, a new job, and best of all an Adrian (aka MSKing's husband). Also: two cell phones.

Mike and I dated for a while. There were good times and lots of neglectful times and a minor erosion of self. Things came to a head when I visited my sister in October last year and saw how cute she and her boyfriend were for each other. I broke up with him before I even boarded the plane back home. I said mean things.

Then I spent a couple months getting the fuck over it. I missed him. I realized I was missing an illusion. I hated and resented him. I stayed friends with him. I got the new job and spent three weeks in a classroom being trained with both of my ex-s. I spent more time talking with Mike then, but afterward it turned out that Rik was the one that knew how to be a friend. So I hang out with Rik and don't bother talking to Mike.

And then mid-February Adrian calls me and tells me that he's going to Iraq. I've known him since he logged onto a little MUD called Daggerfall ten years ago. He's mostly been Ginny's friend because I always kept him at a distance, but we've been attracted to each other on and off for years. I told him I'd broken up with Mike. He indicated he'd leave his current girlfriend for me. I questioned it. He realized it was a yes. I realized it was a yes. About two weeks later I flew down to Arizona and we decided to get married.

We didn't even have to go to Vegas. Hah!

And we've talked and talked and talked. It's amazing how similar we are. It's amazing how quickly one can generate an enormous phone bill. So I joined with Sprint while I'm still with Verizon and some days I've charged my Sprint phone three times because we're talking so much.

He's still going to Iraq. It's a little hard. We've seen each other for eleven days out of our entire lives. I'll get to see him for six or four days (depending on whether or not the army decides to screw us) and then he's gone. We're already making plans for when he gets back. So far we're going to leave the door open to having kids (ie no birth control for me), spend a little time in Utah, and then move to Indiana where he will finish his masters and I will finally go to college. I'm supposed to find a townhouse or condo for us to buy while he's gone and we're going to rent it out until it's time to move.

So...yeah. Everything's changed. I've never had such happiness before. And I know this leaves out mega-tons, but it's a start, eh?

Stuff has been going on. Like my bf getting a detail that will help him get into management (*shudder*) and me pretty much finishing my web site. Ginny's painting is next on my list...

But the weirdest thing of all is that Mike's aunt died. Then my aunt died. And then firebyrd's son was born. Life. And I can't pass any of this news on to my parents because they're on a rock hunting trip and they're not answering their cell phones. Oi.

At least my aunt visited us a few weeks ago so she and my mom got to spend some time together. I think we all thought her husband was going to go first but, after thinking about it more, she really wasn't eating enough to stay alive. When I hugged her she was all bone and skin. :/ Oddly, it reminds me of a story I read a bit ago that was supposed to illustrate how people are not to take death fearfully. It was winter and one of the monks had decided he'd lived long enough so he stopped eating. Finally, one of his brothers confronted him and told him that having a funeral for him in the winter would be very inconvenient for every one so would he please wait until the spring to die? So the monk laughed and started eating again and they buried him in the spring.

Well, it is spring. :/

So it's taken me a little over 8 months since I uploaded the rubber ducky site design before I finished the set for the art gallery. However, it is done and the art gallery is done as well. I now only have two pages left and the site will almost entirely make itself. Gods bless php. :)

There's only one new drawing, but I've done some craft-type things, including jewelry for presents, so nine new pieces! That's sad considering how long it's been, but maybe this year... I just wish I'd taken better pictures. Most of that stuff is in California now. :p

Hah.

Quick post. I think I've found the apartment I was looking for. It's been quite a search and the apartment I've found is farther away from work than I could have hoped. But it has all the things I require: Reasonable rent. Decent kitchen. Enough space to fit my lifestyle (probably a little more than I need). A few minutes walk to the library--not a requirement but niiice. And it allows pets so I can get kitties next month.

So I call my parents from work to tell them about it and all they can do is harp on me about safety and how "unsafe" the neighborhood is. As if I haven't tried to find an apartment in a better neighborhood. As if they've been helping me look at all. As if they could find me something better. So they just rained all over my parade and it makes me mad. This has all been hard enough for me and I've had a lot of setbacks. I finally find an apartment that makes me happy and they couldn't be even a little happy for me. Just paranoid, paranoid, paranoid.

And there's been more bullshit at work. I've been moved into a freezing cold building and they're treating us like crap and denying us overtime b/c we're not conveniently in the main building so we can be easily refreshed. No, it would require planning and they are not capable of that. Assholes. All this just makes me want to quit life for a while.

At least Mike liked what I got him for Valentine's Day. Hey, firebyrd, did you know Guitar Hero II has the Trogdor song?

I've been apartment hunting. It's mostly calling places and then crossing them off because they don't allow cats. I finally reached one I knew allowed them and was rather hopeful about and they had raised their rates to a price I refuse to afford. Sucks. It's a nice, roomy apartment right next to the river and a graveyard and a park. *sigh*

I've also been trying to buy a tv. I picked out a model that isn't sold in any brick stores so I've been trying to buy it online. Trying. The first place I called ended up with a 3-5 week delivery time for the free shipping (which is what made the price reasonable). The second place I called was back-ordered and I'd have to wait two weeks. Well, hell, I'll just go with the first place then. Called the first place back and found out about a sneaky $200 insurance charge.

Needless to say I have not bought a tv yet. I don't think I will buy it until I have my own apartment it can be delivered to. My bf has kindly offered to lend me his extra tv so I will have something to hook the PS2 to and won't miss any of my scheduled workouts. I haven't been...

...until today. I have caught a cold. I have been worthless all day. I should have wished firebyrd a happy birthday on Saturday. I have her present and everything. But I don't want to risk getting her sick on top of all the tiredness her pregnancy is causing her so... Sorry, birdie. :(

I can't be sick. I need to get moving. I need to make the final push to get that apartment. I wanted to move on the 10th and that goal has been pushed to the 17th except now I'm sick. And Valentine's Day falls on this week. I'm not being a complete slave to a Hallmark day but I want to spend time with my bf anyway, duh. Oh, and my aunt is going to be in town and staying with us. She's going to a thing so I won't feel too bad about making my dad help me move on Saturday, but I need the apartment first. And my health. And a pony.

When it rains, I find cat hair in my soup. (It actually has been raining. Lovely, lovely rain. :))

So utterly worthless. I couldn't even make dinner like I'd planned. Ugh. And why do I find myself craving asparagus covered in mayo? I mean, it's tasty, but que? At least I've discovered a little bit of lemon or lime in tea is really tasty. Who knew? (Okay, lots of people. :p)

I have 4 oz. of vodka in my body right now. It didn't affect me much at first, but I've been getting less and less functional as I process the alcohol. If I were talking to someone right now, they'd probably think I'm an idiot. At least I still have the sense not to text my bf and wake him up. This doesn't seem particularly fun. Why do people like feeling so wobbly?

So I'm going to write the quick and dirty catch up on my life except for the important stuff that I somehow missed lj entry and maybe some day I'll go back and fill in the blanks. Not posting this tonight. Will wait until tomorrow when I can be all sober and edit things (I'll even be honest and tell y'all if I do).

Biggest change has been Mike. The second time he broke up with Alica was real and he was mine, like, two days later I think it was. Mid-July. I told him I didn't want to be dating until I had a car (because the control my parents had had over me--and used, jerks--while I dated Rik had been unacceptable, therefore I wanted to avoid that problem and have my own transport), but really we were already together. I needed the car anyway, but he was the final straw that made me get it. And he's the final straw that will get me to find an apartment and move out.

I should feel sad that I couldn't just do those things for myself. I'm suffering here. My relationship with my parents in suffering. I need to be out on my own. Desperately. But I know that if I weren't dating Mike, there wouldn't be enough incentive and I couldn't bring myself to negotiate with other human beings and lose extra money so I could live on my own. I'll take this improvement the only way I can get it.

My face feels funny. It starts with my nose, but I guess with more alcohol, the feeling spreads. Interesting. At least I'm not a giggling drunk.

Anyway, two major changes: car bought, actual apartment hunting ensuing (still like pulling teeth, but I try to do a little every day so progress and all...). He's changed other things like the way I feel (duh) and what I think about (see next in list) and some of the books I read and the way I listen to music sometimes. There were a couple of really hard months where it felt like I was going through what I went through with Rik and he pushed me away a little and I felt like he'd just decide to leave, but I think that's mostly past. He feels bad for not having enough time and I feel bad because I know a good part of it is baggage and it feels like I was wrong when I said I'd trust him because I reacted the way I did.

Guilt really is the only sin in the world. :(

Anyway, I've been on road trips with him. Not lately. (I used a lot of leave on family in November and December.) They're fun. Not as cool as it could be because he was driving for a job and we've got to keep moving so we're on time, but I wanna go again some time soon. Hopefully moving won't take a whole lot of leave so I can use my credit hours to run away with him. :) I really would like to finish the lj entries about these.

firebyrd got all knocked up and we've been sporadic about seeing each other ever since. Part bf distractions, hermitism, and her being brought down with exhaustion. It will be interesting to see if I get to know her spawn before I get to know Mike's or not. She's doing a custom mlp of Shiva from Final Fantasy right now. It's freaking awesome. Her husband, Eric, worked on the outfit for her and I made her a ring of metal for a bracelet. Girl needs to finish it and post pictures so I can show y'all how gorgeous it is.

Other news...I bought me a PS2 as a reward for investing in mutual funds at long last. I allowed myself 3 games to buy and got Beyond Good and Evil (which I played on Xbox w/my sister during Thanksgiving), Dynasty Warriors 4 (b/c it had good reviews and I enjoyed playing DW5 on my bf's Xbox), and finally made myself get Fitness and Yourself as my last "game." I've exercised four times in two weeks since I got it, so go me. I've had various events in 2006 remind me of how out of shape I am so it's about time I took measures.

Snoopy then got me the Star Wars racing game and Mike got me Devil May Cry. Haven't played the racing game enough to do it justice (my stupid wireless controller broke and all I could turn was left so I had to stop and spin all the way around to turn my vehicle right. Snoopy thought I was just really crap, but really I'm only sorta crap with a good controller. Bought a Logitech wireless that's supposed to be more reliable. Can't wait for it to arrive). And I haven't been playing as much as I'd like to this month.

Anyway, Devil May Cry was a really good choice for a beginner. I like killing things and DMC led into teaching me to move that character around slow enough that I've done pretty well with it. [edit: In fact, I might be even better at it than I thought. I was using a slowly breaking controller at the time and once I used the controller that came with the PS2, I realized my wireless had always been less responsive as well. :p] Wanted to play it tonight while I was drunk, but thought I should catch up on events and all.

So with the PS2, I've decided I want a big, schmancy tv to play on so that's my job for this week. That and still searching for an apartment. I want to rush, but I'm smart enough to know that, since I'm living at home, it's more important for me to get exactly what I want instead of settling for whatever piece of crap comes my way that sorta meets my needs. It saddens me that this might mean I have to wait longer, but I know that I must balance myself between practical and I wanna have my bf over for the night. :)

And I want a cat. A sweet one that's much more friendly than my little furball. It's hard walking into the garage sometimes because she's supposed to be there and, since my car gets parked on the driveway (odd since it's the most valuable vehicle that parks at this house, but there you go), I haven't had many chances to get used to not seeing her there. I want a cat that wants to curl up with me at night. Even if that's exactly the wrong thing for my allergies. At least we'll both be wanting the same thing and not getting it. :)

Now I'm hiccuping. Pitiful. I'm going to bed. :p

[edit: so I could move less well, but apparently I was sober enough to write a good journal entry. Yeah, I edited, but all my lj entries get edited just as much after the first draft so... I don't know if I didn't have enough or what. Guess I'll need an experienced witness next time.]

I'm surprised at how many responses I got on a book list. Or maybe you're all trying to encourage me to post more? I admit I have some doubts about the list as well. Yet I like that I shall have it all bolded out by the end of the year and it will be interesting to see if I agree that they are must reads or see how the older ones may have influenced the newer.

Some other reading goals I have are to finish or stay on top of series that I've started:
- Garth Nix's Keys of the Kingdom (go read if you liked Abarat)
- Clive Barker's Abarat
- Jenny Nimmo's Children of the Red King
- Kate Elliott's Crown of Stars
- David Farland's Rune Lords series
- Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events
- Robin Hobb's Speck's Magic
- Rowling's Harry Potter book, duh :p
- C. S. Lewis' Space Trilogy *gag*

I think that's all of them, though I may have missed a few. I'm also going to try and read at least one book I own and I haven't read yet a month. I've already read 3 this month and have started the fourth. I'll bet firebyrd is laughing at me for making such a pitiful goal, but who's still stuck on the letter 'D'? Uh huh. ;)

The hardest part of all these reading goals is that several months ago I put a limit on how many books I can have out from the library: 2 photo reference and 3 reading. The plan was to keep from overwhelming myself with books so that all my free time is spent keeping up with them. But I've been having a real hard time sticking to it. I'm not sure upping the limit is the right thing to do, yet by the end of the day I'm going to be breaking it again. I have been feeling less overwhelmed so perhaps the current system is fine as it is.

Tune in someday where I give up and tell you a little bit about what's going on in my life, life. :)

This year I know some of my friends are going to try to read 50 books. Last year firebyrd challenged herself to read 100 books (not 200 like I thought) and attained that goal with months to spare. She then tried to think of a new challenge for herself this year, but realized she'd already met all the ones she could think of so decided she didn't need one for reading (hope you've written something today, bird :)).

Seeing as I read well over 100 (not 200 like I thought b/c I knew Fire and I had read the same amount) books last year--a good number of them non-fiction--and I've already read 18 books this year, I'm thinking my goal need not be numbers. So I've decided to read all the books I haven't gotten to yet in the essential fantasy reading list people were posting a few months ago:

FANTASY
1. George MacDonald, Phantastes, 1858
2. William Morris, The Well at the World’s End, 1896
3. E.R. Eddison, The Worm Ouroboros, 1922
4. H.P. Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu, 1928
5. Mervyn Peake, Titus Groan, 1946

6. Robert E. Howard, Conan the Barbarian, 1950
7. J.R.R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion, 1950s
8. C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, & the Wardrobe, 1950
9. J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings, 1954
10. T.H. White, The Once & Future King, 1958

11. Madeleine L’Engle, A Wrinkle in Time, 1962
12. Michael Moorcock, Stormbringer 1965
13. Lloyd Alexander, The Black Cauldron, 1965
14. Alan Garner, Elidor, 1965
15. Ursula K. Le Guin, A Wizard of Earthsea, 1968

16. Peter Beagle, The Last Unicorn, 1968*
17. Fritz Leiber, Ill Met in Lankhmar, 1970
18. Roger Zelazny, Nine Princes in Amber, 1970
19. Richard Adams, Watership Down, 1972
20. Susan Cooper, The Dark is Rising, 1973

21. William Goldman, The Princess Bride, 1973
22. Patricia McKillip, The Riddle-Master of Hed, 1976*
23. Anne McCaffrey, Dragonsong, 1976
24. Terry Brooks, The Sword of Shannara, 1977
25. Steven Donaldson, The (First) Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever, 1977

26. Piers Anthony, A Spell for Chameleon, 1977
27. Walter Wangerin, The Book of the Dun Cow, 1978
28. Gene Wolfe, The Book of the New Sun, 1980
29. John Crowley, Little, Big, 1981
30. Marion Zimmer Bradley, The Mists of Avalon, 1982

31. David Eddings, The Belgariad, 1982
32. Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic, 1983
33. Robert Holdstock, Mythago Wood, 1984
34. Margarert Weis & Tracy Hickman, Dragons of Autumn Twilight, 1984
35. Orson Scott Card, Seventh Son, 1987

36. Ellen Kushner, Swordspoint, 1987
37. Mercedes Lackey, The Last Herald-Mage, 1990
38. Guy Gavriel Kay, Tigana, 1990
39. Tad Williams, Stone of Farewell, 1990
40. Robert Jordan, The Eye of the World, 1990

41. Stephen King, The Waste Lands, 1991
42. Neil Gaiman, The Season of Mists, 1991
43. C.S. Friedman, Black Sun Rising, 1991
44. Tim Powers, Last Call, 1992
45. Philip Pullman, Northern Lights/The Golden Compass, 1995

46. George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones, 1996
47. J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter & The Philosopher’s Stone, 1997
48. Sean Stewart, Mockingbird, 1998
49. China Mieville, Perdido Street Station, 2000
50. Susannah Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, 2004*

The ones I've read are in bold. I realize it may not look like much of a goal since that's only 22 books. But it only looks like 22. Titus Groaned is the first book of a series that I'll finish if it's good. Gene Wolfe's is a series of five books. The Belgariad is a series with 8 books. The Stone of Farewell is smack in the middle of William's trilogy of 800 or so page books. The Waste Lands is part of the Dark Tower series so I'll be reading all of that. Black Sun Rising is part of a series as well.

All in all, I'm looking at 46 books plus whatever else I want read. I'm just glad I can get some of these on audio so I can work and meet my personal goals as well. Yay! :)

So, Fire. Wanna join me in this challenge? You'll love wincing your way through Phantastes just as I finished doing. >:)

So I've been working on writing back entries to everything that's happened up to now. I didn't want to start posting till I finished all of them because I keep remembering things I want to add but I keep falling further behind! :) So I've decided to post about very, very recent events.

Stress was my middle name and it was mounting a hostile takeover to nab the first as well. I spent far too much time crying and/or being absolutely furious with not enough reason for either. At first I thought it was PMS, but PMS does not last beyond the period so...

Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst. I came to work literally trembling with rage. You'll note I didn't say "pent up" because it wasn't. I didn't yell at anyone. I didn't break any computer equipment. But I banged my things around and radiated fury. My lead tried to calm me down on Wednesday, but I just stalked past with a 'thanks, but don't even try to calm me down.'

Now I couldn't maintain a high level of rage all night--that takes way too much energy--but Wednesday I brought my book and whenever a wave got too bad for me, I read it (Robin Hobb's latest; very excellent, btw). Three hours of doing that, in clear view, right next to my manager's office. My manager proved just how incompetent she is by 1) not sending me home even though I wasn't fit for work and 2) not even trying to ask me herself if I was okay. Oh, she asked Bek, who sits next to me, but that only keeps her from being a worthless human being. In fact, she even told me to smile in the middle of Tuesday night. If we both hadn't been walking in opposite directions, she would have gotten an earful. Don't fucking tell me to smile when I'm not happy.

I took Thursday and Friday off. She told me I had to get a doctor's note for Friday because it was "denied." Every fucking day on the calendar is denied leave. If I wanted to fake being sick to get Friday the 13th off, I sure as hell wouldn't run around like a demon of hate. I'd cough and sniffle and tell everyone how miserable I felt. At the very least I would have used tears instead of rage because that gets sympathy. I told her I didn't care and was taking the day off anyway, but I guess I did a little because I got the damn note. I'm going to drop it off at the health unit and make her call them as a way of spitting in her eye. I hope I tell her why I think she's a bad manager too. Probably won't still be mad enough to do that. Pity.

Jen and Bek were both lovely, wonderful human beings throughout. I am grateful for their cheer and concern (and for putting up with me). Bek even texted me on Thursday to see how I was doing. I appreciated that more than I can say.


So I've spent these four days shopping, eating good food, and trying to remember what relaxing feels like. My rage is simmering at a lower level, but the real test will be Monday when I go back to work. The doctor said he would extend the note if I asked so I won't be afraid to take it off if I have to.

I bought a printer! I don't have it yet because it has to be sent in from another store, but it's paid for. Unlike most humans, I know that I don't need a color photo printer because I won't really use the color photo bit, so I just got a monochrome laser. The guy at the store was very helpful about looking things up on the computer and calling the other stores--likely because he was interested in me. I was wearing my chinese dragon shirt so he was all, "Oh, are you Year of the Dragon?" to find out how old I was. We discussed musical tastes. He made a point of telling me about how he was going into selling mortgages. And he kept saying how he might see me in the store again sometime and he always worked Saturdays (hint, hint).

Disturbingly, his name was Sergio. Pam's seeing a Sergio. Maybe. Still. He kinda looked like he was bailing on her birthday after she told him how important that was so we'll see. I'll always love you, Snoopy! *HUGGLE*

To disturb everyone: I've watched Paris Hilton's new music video "Nothing In This World" many, many times because I like it. It made me listen to her cd again and like all of it more. The kid in the music video is so cute. Oh, and in case you didn't know it, Nellie McKay's new album is coming out soon. Great stuff. Check it out. Don't let the positive mention of Paris Hilton throw you, Nellie's a higher-quality kettle of fish.

Someone ran over my cat today. We've already buried her.

I drove down to the park after work and ducked through the gate (it closes at 10) and stood on the bridge for a while listening to the water. If I'd brought my flip flops, I probably would have slogged through the water for a while as well, but just listening to and smelling it was good. Merry Christmas, me.

A bit ago, my sister sent me the link to an article about some fossils that had been found "recently" in Australia. We're talking killer kangaroos and demon ducks of doom here! (or one could just say carnivorous kangaroos and large, potentially carnivorous duck-like birds) As usual, this tidbit manages to tie in to other thoughts in my life. On Saturday firebyrd was complaining that Australia was going to build a dam that would bring about the extinction of Australia's lungfish (also mentioned in the article). She said something like: I should write a letter to the government to complain. I replied: They'll look at it and say they don't take letters in English. Or Engrish (since we're American :)). It would be a shame, but hopefully the government will take steps to ensure that the animals can still reach their breeding grounds.

So much of Australia's wildlife is poisonous beyond the need of subduing prey. I wonder if
it doesn't have to do more with defending oneself against these large predators. Afterall, wolves and the like spend a good bit of time eating mice and grasshoppers instead of deer, so the small animals likely had incentive to evolve better poisons that became irrelevant when the larger predators died out. It makes more sense to carry a bigger stick so no one wants to mess with you rather than doing so to overkill one's kill. *shrugs* It is a mystery. :)

I am slowly but surely wasting time by making link banners instead of finishing the graphics for the art section. I made Czar's Garden, sandara.net, Metal and Magic (really don't like and will re-do sometime), and Moonlight Whispers nearly a week ago. Today I tackled Unicorn Jelly, MLP Arena, MLP Trading Post, and Jem Unlimited. I have blatantly stolen art from the sites themselves to make the banners but this sort of thing falls under fair use so :p.

As for the rest of my life, well, I mean well. I am maybe halfway through cutting down a skirt that I liked too much not to get. I have sketches of jewelry I want to make. My contemplations over the book lists have born fruit and I think I have a workable solution that involves the categories being the rows instead of the individual books. I am no longer 18 and cutting and pasting that much bores the heck out of me so I hope this works. I rehung a print whose tape had gone bad. The girl who used my symbol hasn't even logged on to receive my PM. I have several partial lj entries to finish some day. I checked all but the author links and fixed a few errors. Oops. I think I cleaned something this weekend; I no longer remember what it was. I finished a few books, but doing so didn't make much of a dent in my reading stack. Nothing is ever enough.

The picnic on Saturday was nice. We met at my house at 4:30 but didn't leave it until around 6. It was a combination of waiting for Misty and the heat we all wanted to avoid. Misty never came, but Fire called Levi and it turned out he could and would have told us so if she'd left him her new number instead of leaving him to call her old disconnected one. Silly bird. :)

The park was blessedly empty. We trooped down to the fire pit and set up a blanket by the stream. Fire had said there wouldn't be water in it at this time of year but there was! She and I splorshed around in it but the delicate males did not. They also expressed dismay over the local beetle population while Fire and I admired them. A combination of the water and the shade kept the temperature fairy reasonable so we only suffered when we were cooking our food. Tasty, tasty food. Pity more people couldn't come. Next time. I'd say mostly likely weekend after next, but I think Pam's going to be in town so I'm booked. We'll see! :)

Edit: Oh, I meant to mention this when I was talking about making link banners. I've found a useful little program for browsing all my fonts called The Font Thing. You can select a few fonts or see them all, set the text it writes in, the size, the color, etc. Very nifty. It makes me want to get more fonts. MORE! o.O

This has never happened to me before and I'm not sure what to think or feel about it. See, firebyrd just told me today that she had commissioned someone to do a picture of her pony persona. The girl asked for a sample of her symbol. Fire pointed her to the picture that I had done for her earlier this year and...she copied and pasted the symbol onto her picture.

There's a wonderful irony to all of this. I was too lazy to make my own lineart but designed a symbol. She did her own lineart but used my symbol. Yes, I think I shall be amused afterall. Still. She's linking to it as an example of her abilities and hasn't bothered to give me any credit for my work so I'm going to pm her tonight. Good times.

And good visit. It looks like we'll be having another picnic in the park next Saturday. Smores and hotdogs and...other stuff. We'll have to call around tomorrow and invite the usual suspects (who generally don't show :p).

In other news, I guess I'm NaNo-ing this year. It will be interesting to see if I can pull it off when I'm working. I did manage it once in 10 days when unemployed so I think, if I don't hit any bumps that require extensive research, I should be able to manage. And then anyone who wants to can read the first finished draft of Melvin the Frog! *trumpet blat* :D

Does it make any sense to say "I know this is against the rules so I'm just going to break it this once?" Humans. *headdesk*

Well, I just spent a good chunk of today banging my head against the website again. Updated and converted both of the book lists. That's all. I really think the next time I redesign the site I will leave the book lists in the old layout so I never have to cut and paste that much again. I could try sticking them in a database instead, but it would take a lot of work arounds and I'm not sure it would save me any time in the end. I will continue to contemplate the problem as I have done so for the last three years...with little results. :p

Well, no. I think there may be a way. Except it will be so much work for my host's server every time the page loads. Hmmm...

Oh, and last week I rewrote the page about me went through the links section and simplified my life. Just banners or text links now (need to make a nice one for Fire now...). All the extras were a big drain on my time with little reward so...deal. :) And I made new link banners for my site. Why do I always use layout elements instead of my art art? Probably because I don't paint enough. Will have to do better. Someday.

Going to see firebyrd tomorrow! Yay! :D And maybe try and get some other stuff done. Like converting more pages, mending/sewing, jewelry making, writing that evil tutorial, finishing the art gallery's graphics (yeah, still procrastinating on that one), etc. Never enough time.

I had a good birthday.

The night before I made love to the most adorable kitten when I got home (it was after midnight so technically it was my birthday then). It was like the world's birthday present to me. :) I saw her dart across the street and duck under the neighbor's truck as I was pulling up to the house. I habitually pushed the button to close garage door anyway but then I remembered the cat! and had to flail and jab a couple times to stop it.

It took only a few seconds to coax her into making friends. She turned out to be this little calico thing with perky ears and silky fur and she purred. I don't think she stopped for one second while I was with her. And she made this little chirpy meows every now and then too so I've mentally dubbed her Otter Pup. Not because I know otters make those kinds of noises but because I associate those kinds of noises with otter pups. I probably spent 30 minutes out there just loving her. She flopped around like cats who know they are adorable and threw herself forward into my hand so I could pet her little kitty head more. Very affectionate.

It was late so I finally went inside to feed my cantankerous one-eyed monster--I mean cat. :) But when I looked out the window she was sitting out on the porch waiting for me. I visited her three more times and the last time she followed me back to the door lunging at my legs, trying to wrap her front legs around my leg like, Please, don't go! It was so sweet. I wish I could have kept her, but she was well-fed enough that she probably already has a family and we already have a cat who does not want to share...

I didn't see her tonight. Ah, well. It was good while it lasted. :)

And Rik remembered it was my birthday and sent me a text and then visited on the way home from work. We probably talked for about an hour. That was nice too. I hardly see him anymore.

I've been listening to Atlas Shrugged at work lately. It is 1,000 times more tolerable than The Fountainhead. I am enjoying myself quite a bit despite the over-dramatic posturing and instant Mary-Sue-ish "understandings" between the characters. It helps that the female lead (Dagny) does something she believes in instead of acting all superior to everyone around her without actually doing anything to justify that superiority like Fountainhead's lead (Dominique). I hate Dominique. She is probably the main reason why The Fountainhead will always leave me trembling with rage. Literally. She is everything I loathe in capable human beings.

I love people that do. It's what I liked about Mike. It's what I love about firebyrd, and witteafval*, and my other online friends. It's why I like movies like Calendar Girls and How Stella Got Her Groove Back and books like The Immortals, Deeds of Paksenarion, and Remnant Population.

There was a bit about that in Atlas Shrugged. And, of course, the disadvantage of listening to an audio version is that you can't highlight passages like that so you can quote them later in a lj. :) Being loved? recognized? for what one does, that's what Dagny wanted. It made me realize that's what I want. That's all I want. I wouldn't care if no one thought I was beautiful at all as long as they loved what I did and how and why it was done. The problem is: I seem to be getting the opposite of that, and it's my own fault too.

I've been a loner all my life. I dislike small talk so I rarely talk. I even more rarely talk about what interests me, let alone about what I do. I'm wary of doing so. I've conspired to keep my website's existence from my co-workers, hell, any one I meet offline and on. It's why you'll never see my real name on it or here.

I've been told I'm a mystery and replied that I'm simply not interesting. It's a lie. I just don't know how to have the conversations I want to have. It seems like every time I start to speak passionately about something people are like, 'woah! too much' and I withdraw again. Is it too much? Are they not enough?** Is it the wrong time? When is the right time? Or do people just not talk about what they care about anymore unless it's family? Or maybe it's just their way of expressing surprise that I'm "on" all of a sudden. I don't know. But it all makes it quite impossible for people to love me for the reasons I want them to.

What's left is what they see and the few amusing, light comments I manage to make. Combine that with my love for beautiful clothes and pretty good looks to begin with and I end up getting flirted with and little else. I hate it. I don't want to hear it all the time, even if it is intelligent flirting. It's not enough for me. It gets incredibly boring; and painful for what it represents.

My co-workers have talked about how I'm suppressed or something and that one day I'll explode. Mike talked about my breaking and tries to tempt me. They're talking about sex. I will never break or explode when it comes to sex. I won't need to because I'm not suppressed, I'm sleeping and, when it's time to be awake, I will be. I broke, as I knew I would, when Mike reduced his interest in me to desire for my body. That's why I told him I'd rather be alone. It's not like I hadn't warned him about it. *sigh* And one day, if nothing changes, I will explode. It might be better for me if I did.

* Yes! I finally spelled his lj name right without having to look it up! *victory jig*

** This makes me think of Nightmare Before Christmas when the mad scientist puts half his brain into his creation and says "We'll have conversations worth having." ;D

I should do something creative tonight, but I am so tired. I have no energy after the pony meet, the bead show, not enough sleep for a whole week, and the heat. *droops*

The pony meet was fun, though very small. We actually didn't talk about ponies much, but I got to play with the scooter ponies and those scooters are pretty neat. You wind them with the front wheels and it holds the tension until weight is put on the back wheels. Maybe someday I'll get a used one (since I'll only want to customize it anyway). We had many activities like decorating cupcakes (mine were G1 Firefly's symbol, a horrible mistake with sprinkles (won 2nd place), and Trogdor the Burninator), but the best one was shooting fakies with rubber bands shot from rifle-shaped chunks of dead tree. I did better than I thought I would and firebyrd totally kicked ass. We killed a Glory pinata. That thing did not want to die. We took off the legs, part of its mane, the head, the tail, we were skinning it alive and pulverizing the dots boxes in it and it would not release its bounty of candy (though some tootsie rolls dropped out of the butt). Xayide and her fiance really went all out for us. It was awesome. I want one of those rifles now.

And I have pretty beads from the bead show! Firebyrd showed me some pictures of spiders that this girl made from beads so I was looking for material for that. The problem is that at bead shows they tend to sell them in big strings and I only need one big and one medium bead for the body so I kinda don't want to buy a whole strand. I'll just have to keep an eye out for large transparent beads since I want to string a whole bunch of spiders in a window. I think it would look very pretty.

I also found out that Firebyrd uses "teh" in offline conversations. I feel traumatized. But I got my custom pony from her today so I barely feel it all. Like some tiny child crying in a dark corner of my mind while everyone else is throwing confetti around and hooting. She's beautiful. I will show you pictures as soon as I take one or Fire posts them.

I gave something to Mike on Father's Day since he is a father after all. :) He invited me in for a minute and showed me his son (who was sleeping, so try not to be horrified that the poor mite might have gotten exposed to my existence or anything). It was sweet the way he just picked him up to show him off to me. Almost the way I maul my cat except she'd definitely wake up and complain. And there was his smile again...

But the minute I walked into his apartment I felt like I had no place in his life. I just wanted to leave and get away from that feeling. I'd felt it the time before but this time it was so much stronger. I guess I don't have a place. When someone tries to stop talking to you it's kinda hard to even feel like you're friends. And then he took off his shirt. He looked good. I should have stared, I'll likely never get such a chance again. I know he wants me, but he's not willing to do what it takes to be with me and...I deserve someone who is.

So I left. He texted me a few minutes later and I ended up calling him and pretty much botching the conversation. Oh, for mad speaking skills! (Or at least my social retard icon again. :p) When I got home, I wrote this poem.

It's like he feels he needs some big reason to break up with her instead of just the fact that it isn't working for him. I spent most of three days trying to think of what to say to him, but mostly it seemed self-serving and...I don't know if what I said on Sunday even got through to him. I even thought of issuing an ultimatum, but the thought of that disgusted me. In the end, I said nothing. I handed him an envelope containing the poem and an obscure phrase that he'll understand to mean that I'm choosing to be alone. I should have said it out loud, but...do what you can do. Rik broke up with me in a text so... :/

I almost didn't do it, just seeing him. But I asked myself if I thought he'd do anything to change the situation and all evidence pointed to no. I was alone anyway. At least this way I won't have that aloneness rubbed raw all the time because it's by choice. If you can't win, lose on your own terms. :)


In other frustration, I was in the bathroom when it occured to me that I really could just have most of the pages in the writing section create themselves from one page instead of the five that comprise the big sections. It will actually be simpler. So now I have to code those pages all over again! *cries*

Yeah, I know I'm loving it. Nesting online: Woo!

Plus I have the bead show and the pony meet to look forward to this weekend. Pretties good. Shame I haven't finished even started a custom yet. Maybe seeing the others' work will give me enough momentum to do so. I do have a huge list of neat ideas just waiting for me.


Oh, and I keep forgetting to mention that I got one of the permanent jobs at the place I work because it's sooo important to me. I think I'm going to miss being furloughed, but if I can ever find a car I want to buy I can start looking for an apartment and get the hell out of this parent trap. That would be fabulous. Just having the car would be nice. My mom pretty much said that I couldn't use their van to visit Mike after last Sunday. Not that that matters now, but someday in the future...