Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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2:10 pm
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Not much going on. I just came to Tech for a bit to fill out some applications online and shit. Just watched Monty Python's Meaning of Life and American Splendor. The first time I've rented movies in a while. The first time I've had money in a while. I had never seen the Meaning of Life. I liked it. I had heard the penis song before. My favorite part was Part VII: Death, when the convict gets to choose his manner of execuction. Chased of a cliff by topless women, how clever. =P Continues to train for bench competition as time draws nearer. I cycled back on creatine and hope that will help to keep me from getting hurt in the gym again. My dad visited friday and saturday. He was shocked that I wouldn't accept his beer, although I really wanted to with the steak we were grilling. I've been playing more guitar lately and recording and whatnot. This spring break will probably be the last time I get a break in a while. ANd yet its full of shit to do, mostly catching up in my classes. Not a whole lotta shit here, but I thought I'd say hi to you guys because I haven't in a while. Peace.
-Q DAWG
current mood:  complacent
current music: was doing some Type O Negative- October Rust album earlier
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Friday, March 12th, 2004
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12:55 pm - I'm alive.
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Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
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10:10 pm - Here's my once every 3 months post.
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Life is good but im broke again. this has been the week of tests. I went to a Type O Negative show like a few weeks ago. i met all the guys in the band except pete. that ass. he put on an awesome show though. um. what else. ive taken to playing rugby. and i have a mohawk. and ive slowed down on the drinking thing again. (after it started taking over again.) lately ive been examining my spirituality and introspecting a lot. mainly ive just been feeling lonely. ive taken time off from being with girls for a long time so that i could grow and become more comfortable with myself. of course im not done. ill never quit growing. but im lonely as hell. and so i started looking around. and there arent any girls in cookeville. that i can see at least. im tired of being alone. =(
i just realized why i cleaned out my closet. i took everything out and made it look cool and put a black light in (its walk in and shit). i had no idea what to do with it. its not a smoker haven. i dont smoke anymore. so what to do with it? a buddhist sangha. a place where i can meditate. there is usually a buddha around. wow. this i a cool ass idea. well im out of shit to say. off to study for more tests.
peace,
q
current mood:  lonely
current music: none. just peaceful loving silence.
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Thursday, August 7th, 2003
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3:41 pm - yay for the mania stage
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I'm fuckin broke now that I paid the old proby officer and I owe a lot of cheese. i get to go to clarksville tomorrow and im mad crazy excited. i dont miss the city per se but i do miss all my friends there. but i get to be broke like when i go there so ill be bummin off people. arrggg. "you fucked up. you trusted us" :)
current mood: excited
current music: Dead Body Collection by Cannibal Corpse
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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
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5:23 pm - I'm alive
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Havent posted in a long fucking time but I'm still here. I read all my old messages and look at how insane I was. Oh well. I may start writing in this again if I feel like it.
I have taken this summer to read and to grow. It has been fascinating and whatnot. I'm surely not the same person as I was the last time I posted. I've found a sort of peace with life. I smoked pot for the last time on the 4th of july weekend. and before then i had only used it like once or twice the summer. drugs cloud the mind. this i have found for sure. the pain that looms will only echo.
i broke my damn finger. and unfortunately i cant play guitar now that my drummer's got his drums in town. but my style has changed completely. i can no longer write dark music at a whim. i slowed down smoking and drinking. i got a cat. her name is Dionysis for now. wait isnt that catwoman's cat's name? fuck. anyways ive gotta go check amanda's entry cuz she just had a time and i wanna read it.
chill my crackas,
q
current mood: peaceful
current music: aphex twin- cornish acid
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Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
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5:25 pm - A Malediction: Loathing Mourning
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For My Fallen Angel
by My Dying Bride
As I draw up my breath,
And silver fills my eyes.
I kiss her still,
For she will never rise.
On my weak body,
Lays her dying hand.
Through those meadows of Heaven,
Where we ran.
Like a thief in the night,
The wind blows so light.
It wars with my tears,
That won't dry for many years.
"Love's golden arrow
At her should have fled,
And not Death's ebon dart
To strike her dead."
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(comment on this)
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Monday, February 17th, 2003
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10:47 pm
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So I didnt go to any classes today. I think i have a test tomorrow. I'll wing it. I dont want to do anything anymore. Ive been reading physics again. but i hate school. i want to just stop being. im tired of being. i never asked to be. i've quit trying to battle my other half. instead ive decided to acknowledge it and embrace it as a part of me. i will no longer attempt to conform and thus am not going to counseling so that people can look crosseyed at a walking antichrist. i am quite content with who i am. its just no one else is. too fucking bad. me and me hate you too. i have tried really hard not to hate jenny. but i cant stop myself from doing so now. im trying only to avoid her so that i dont make things so bad and next week when my other half wakes up, he wont be so surprised. i hate what she did to me. i just keep repeating that she was not the worst thing that ever happened to me. but im not convinced for now. i think i want to wake up to my other self, but im content with me now. i just know that im destroying things for him. sit back watch everything go to hell cuz its gonna be a long ride.
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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
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10:25 am
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Ok i just typed some nice account of the weekend but that shit got lost so im fucking pissed and im not going to type it again so if you want to know whats up just im me or some bullshit. Second time thats happened. Live journal sucks ass.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Dimmu Borgir
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Wednesday, February 12th, 2003
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1:48 pm - Zombie of physics
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I don't really know much anymore. I know that I feel like I'm living my life with no purpose or direction. I'm just supposed to get a degree in physics. That's all. Is that what I want? Not really. I want to be happy. And physics makes me happy. But its not a happiness of life. I want to be happy about living and not just accomplishments. They all seem so empty. All this is nothing. I want to be back. This is all so confusing and yet I know the answer too. I only know what I feel is right. Like destiny or something. Only it seems destiny was stolen from me. So I walk through life, day in, day out. Some times I have fun and I feel a sense of happiness. And I feel sad sometimes. But I feel like it is a dream. Like everything is of no real value. I am living a lie. My fate has somehow slipped away and now I'm just alive. Kinda like a zombie. Living through life but with no meaning or destiny. I am a zombie of physics. I must get the grade. Or so I am told. I just know this is not right. I don't belong in this position. Somehow ?God? fucked things up. Something went wrong. I lost my soul.
I went to counseling yesterday. Its apparent I need some kind of help and I can no longer do this alone. But I think I just don't belong in society. People anger me and I cannot understand them at all. I think completely different and I wonder how they can all be so shallow. But I am the different one here. They all seem to concur on certain criteria which I cannot comprehend. I don't feel human. My counseler after hearing only a fraction of what goes on in my head must have decided that she was no match for me. She offered me no help and referred me to someone else. Besides she kept looking at me like "damn, he's fucked." I dont feel like this is real anymore and I think my dreams are taking precedence over "reality". Oh well, I can get high and kill and have sex in my dreams. That makes me happy. Jen is with me in my dreams. She has not left yet. I want to sleep forever. Dreams are so much more pleasant than this. I hate this. Make it over with. I want to sleep forever.
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Tuesday, February 11th, 2003
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2:12 am - Kinda helpless here....
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Just got off the phone with Jen. She's not doing too well. I just want to fix her or somehow be able to guide her through this. Not that I am fine myself but I hate being on the wayside and not being involved. I don't think she will find herself at all until she realizes where to look. I think I know where to look and that is a start. But who can say they have it all figured out? A Perry II of course. So all of us confused bastards are "further along". Fuck that. I never asked for this damned logic and reasoning. I want seriously to be religious so I could feel purpose and meaning. Like someone watched over and protected. But my mind knows only what it senses to be truth. I cannot fool it into believing in something. I therefore have come to believe there are two possibilities for this: a) science is all knowledge that is substancial and so there probably are no gods or goddesses, b)god created a being inherently unable to believe in her so either she doesnt want me to worship her or i am the antichrist. not sure which. just not of good lineage i guess. i actually did hw and then became discouraged and quit. cant do anything but play on the computer, talk on aim, play guitar, but never any school shit. i cant lose scholarships because im "finding myself" so i accidentally let my gpa slip??? ugghhh fuck this. hmmmm. yeah. fuck this one doggy style with a finger on the clit to keep her moaning. grrr....
so the big question is will i sleep ever again? probably not. golfing with jesus has really worn me out today. i dont know how i did it but i beat him. yes. i am immune to religion. fencing him next week. you should come watch;)
well im going outside to smoke a cigarette in hopes that some guy with green hair will offer me some reefer.
is this as good as it gets?
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Monday, February 10th, 2003
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5:07 pm - Umm how am I supposed to sleep when this happens???
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Driving down the road. In the back seat with Jenny. Amanda is driving and some guy that kinda looks like Blue Kyle is in the passenger seat. We all traveling back from something. All happy and smoking cigarettes. Amanda let me drive for a bit (from the back seat). But when it got too hard I made her drive again. Thats about the time when this guy in the passenger seat kills amanda and throws her out the door. He apparently doesnt care if anyone is driving. but the car stays fine on madison st. past kroger. i climb to the front seat in shock kinda and gain control of the car when he grabs my long black hair and begins trying to remove it from my head. Confused, I realized he was trying to off us all and so I grab his hair rip his scalp of as he goes into shock. Then he falls over onto me and I grabbed his head and snapped the fucker. He's dead and stiff by now. So while still moving down madison jen and i chuck his carcass onto the busy road in hopes that the athorities are not already following. Ah good. Killed the bad guy, right? We get back to my grandmother's house where Jen begins to seduce me when the same guy I killed interrupts and says we need to talk. We head to the back of the house. I secretly draw my blade under my leather coat. He very defiantly draws his blade and then one more. I asked "Why wont you die?" He said, "Lets just say I have a job to do." "To put me out?" I inquired. "In a manner of speaking." "I'll fucking slice your corpse up again fucker." He replied "I'll just be back for more." I knew then there was no getting rid of the fucker so I darted back into the kitchen of my grandmother's house where everyone was drinking something and I was thirsty. So Jen gave me a glass. I took a sip and asked the girl at the other end of the table why her and her cohort were attempting to end me. I don't care if I have to die, but I at least want to know why. She replied, "The good book says.... well lets just say you dont come from a good lineage." At that I began to feel the effects of the acid or something. It was more powerful than any drug I had ever taken. At once the room melted and I lost all control. I saw waves of this guy pouring gasoline on jenny and lighting a match. I tried to stop him with, "Cant we all just have sex one more time before we die?" Because I was still going to off him too ya know. Nobody fucks with a raving lunatic on drugs with a razor sharp 6inch blade raining on unadulterated flesh. We were all going to die and there was nothing I could do. I didnt care about me dying. But then I found out as Jenny laughed that she had spiked my drink with ether or something. Feeling quite betrayed and abandoned and utterly terrified by the effects of the drug along with all the blood I had already spilled, I awoke.
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3:40 am - Mad Craziness!!!
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I went outside to smoke a cigarette at like midnight or so. Up walks some guy with green hair talking about how shitty the cops are and how some cop is shining his flashlight through people's window because they fucking left em open in the snow. They weren't venting anything. Anyways then comes up this other guy and we start talking and then I get invited up to their dorms to smoke some and next thing I know I'm in this guy's fucking studio room. All this band equipment is up in this guys room on the top floor. 3 person room with only him to smoke it out. so now here i am. stoned. hehe. chem test at 9 and i havent slept or studied. ah fuck it. im tired of the honors program anyway. i feel like i should say something of profound significance or be creative. roomate's asleep damn no guitar. i think i'll listen to cd's in the headphones now. so bye people. don't die.
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Sunday, February 9th, 2003
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7:30 pm - Alcohol, blood, and drug induced amusement
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This weekend fucking blowed goat penis to the kremlin. Fuck yes! Started out in Nashville, Long Horn Steakhouse, free beer and a 20oz. steak thanks to my friend Karl. Trying to cheer me up and doing a damn good job. From there off to The Tunnel. Goth Night. Talked to Amanda a lot and the Karl got me a $4 heineken. Left a little after midnight after scoring 3 free passes to a nudie bar from a security guard that worked there, Travis. Then off to Cafe Cocoa. Ran into Robert from TTU there. He had some how managed to lose his car. Hope he had luck with that. Karl had skipped out to Tullahoma by then. Went to the opryland hotel and ambled through the gardens while talking with amanda. That was kick ass. That place fucking rocks. Then we drove around nashville in search of excess or catatonic at like 3:15 or so. Then we run in to Nick, Alex, Brook, and Mike rolling around Nashville. We decided we should go to clarksville and get stoned so after a brief experience with some police and closed gas stations, I headed back for clarksville to Brook's. Left her house at like 6 or so and went to Amanda's and got there just as she was going to sleep. Slept there till about 5pm. Got up and went to Joe's and started searching for my sober side to kill it. And I did. After securing a couple fifths of maddog, (peach is fucking sweet), and a 20 sack of the hydro, we went driving around town. I had lost my mind all I know is I woke up in my car with a bag of chips at about 830 this morning. Went to my ma's house, cooked a bunch of chicken cuz she made me, and left early so as to beat the snow storm (no wipers). Back to cookeville undaunted. Jen called just as i walked in the door. She had just gotten back from knoxville. She wants to talk to me tonight. Hope things go well. =P That was the short version of my escapade but i'm sure this is enough to wear you out. Joe has a girlfriend despite the fact that he's married. his wife knows and is trying to talk to him again and he's afraid of her games. he actually did pretty well with the girl this time (she used to go with some girl for like 2 or 3 years). FREAKY BITCH. sam is going with some 16 year old. walter is home for 2 weeks till he goes to Hawaii where he will be stationed. ahh. enough already. to the fucking physics and math hw. and others shit. fun days ;)
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Friday, February 7th, 2003
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12:22 pm - why this?
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Well I did finally fall asleep at like 7 and missed my first class in which there was a pop quiz. Godamnit! My physics teacher is stupid as hell. But I didnt correct his mistakes, I just sat there wondering why the hell he has a PhD and I dont. Oh well. The counseling center was closed when I went there and so I'm going back at 1. I really dread going there now because I think I'm kinda depressed again. I was just fine last night! Why the sudden change? Nothing triggered it. I just woke up from a semi-happy dream when an ambulance drove by and I felt a shock of unhappiness come over me. Like a wave of gloom. WHAT IS THIS!!??? Why does it happen to me? I have to deal with it though. I will not let it destoy my life any worse than it has. Or the lives of others. I should be happy now. Things are going well for me. Confusion. Fear (of what will happen at couseling).
And for the hell of it, analyze these dreams.
1) Keegan walks up to me and she is with I guess her boyfriend. Her face is like rotting. She looks like something out of a bad horror movie. She is well, hideous. She hold out her hand which is decaying too. The is a big crater like growth on the back of her hand. The she asks me why I did this to her. I didn't know how I did it. I felt horrible. The end.
2) Ok this one tops it all because I just dont dream these things. And I hate kids. So I'm holding this toddler right. I'm taking care of it. And it giggles because I make it laugh. And he makes me so happy to take care of him. He is such a joy to me. I feel like his father or something. But I know he doesnt have a mother. Its just me and him. We love each other. Like some cheezy chick commercial I'm holding him up in the air and spinning him around and we are so connected like. To top that off we are in a green mystical like field. Flowers and shit. I dont give a SHIT about flowers, right? So I wake up. Utterly confused. Two days later I realized that the babe was me. Let that fuck with your head for while.
So if you know me you know this is really freaking me out like hell. Symbolism? Subconscious? The hell if I know. Well I guess I'll try to figure out something to do to keep me occupied from depression. Don't die.
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5:09 am - Fuck me!?!
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A long night indeed. I, of course, did not sleep. Just a long time to reflect after talking with Jenny. This has been hard as fuck for me but I am ummm well I'm not crying anymore. Anyways, off to Nashville tonight. On to the goth night bullshit so maybe I can score some ass or something. The Tunnel. I am so horny but for some god awful reason I cant bring myself to jerk it anymore?!??? Then again I'm not sure what would happen if the opportunity of sex presented itself to me either. Ah, fun breakups! I am going to seek couseling for my malady after classes today. Perhaps I will learn something new about myself. I really hate me now though. I want to learn to be content with myself and then maybe I can learn to love others respectably. My state: relative euphoria I guess. Although just hours ago I was beginning to slip into depression. Somehow it just dissappeared. Oh well. Just happy I am going out with friends! I never do this anymore. Amanda, Karl and I are clubbing it I guess after Karl treats us to Outback Steakhouse. I am worried about him and his girlfriend. He has described her to me well and she is so much like me. I am almost sure she is bipolar. So I know her pain, but more importantly, as I guide Karl through this shit of her depression, I am learning about how to deal with depression from the other end and what it is like for him to be on the other end. Cursed neurotransmitters! Well I guess Im done rambling.
Hi Amanda since you're probably the only one who will read this.
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mortuos's journal
energetic