Fresh air, a nice new suit, a walk in the park every day or two...

Still working. Things seem to be going well there, I like it alot.

Holidays... can we just skip to Sukkos? I like that one. Rosh Hashannah makes me ill - too sweet.

Waiting as always for my money situation to be sorted - in theory the direct deposit will work... at midnight...

So that's where I'm at. Not very exciting, but plugging away.

Also?

The Secret Life of Bees is an excellent book, I'll just ignore the fact that they made a movie with Dakota Fanning.

Reading Prozac Nation at the moment. Scary. Good. Accurate description of what depression feels like from the inside.

I think my bees are gone - it seems bumblebees move their nests. I really hope I get some more next spring, I miss my bees and I only saw 2 the other day. *tear*

Like the new job, getting ready for the holidays, working on various things I will probably ramble on about later.

Got the compy rebuilt and connected to the internet and so far things are working well. Except the sound card, but I have an idea. SO yeah. Working on that.

Just trying to hang in there one way or the other the waiting for a new job offer always SUCKS. Not much else going on. Some minutes on the phone, basics taken care of, just hate the waiting. There may be internet next week some time.

Miss you, sort of.

mortifyd

Lost all internet access for time being, have job interview WEDNESDAY 10AM PST please think happy thoughts.

bye guys

So the postie brought a pressie from my parents today - a new disc golf bag with 4 top selling discs - a putter, a mid range and 2 distance drivers. The pack includes the Innova Beast which is the one I lost in the trees shortly after buying it. They play really well, I went out and did a quick round with the neighbour - it was dank.

As if that wasn't enough - I got my package from melvh and it is made of WIN. I have a challah board with the built in knife, a candle lighting tray and a straight up havdallah bentcher with a fancy schmancy cover and everything. Thank you so much, it's AWESOME!!! ♥

Also the neighbour and I powerwashed the patio yesterday to get off all the moss and crap and it looks a zillion times better than it did and is ready in case people come over tomorrow because it's my birthday. I have a bench I can sit on and hit them with my cane without even having to get up.

Mark Spitz is a tool.

I'm not big on memorial posts, but I really liked Bernie Mac. Maybe I even had a little bit of a man crush on ol' Bernie Mac. He was sharp - sharp dressed, sharp tongued and sharp witted - and he had a wonderful laugh. I think the greatest thing about his comedy is that he was blunt and honest while being funny - he was honest about America in a way that we could all have a good laugh at ourselves. We really need Bernie Mac and now he's gone.




Bye, Bernie Mac. You let them know how it is down here. I'd love to hear that.

HEY! This is FUCKED UP

So if I understand this correctly this is what George wants:

a woman who is in a relationship should not have birth control
a woman who is not in a relationship should not have birth control
a woman who is raped should not have the option of Plan B
a woman who is...

well, pretty much - if you have a working vag you're fucked. And the Republicans and Jebusfreaks would like that to be literally.


Help Planned Parenthood stop this here.

I did.

So I am now the bemused owner of a cool cheap futon. The guy just decided I would buy it and I went along with it because I needed one - it seemed to work out well. It's a good solid frame and a nice mattress and is currently looming in comparison to the rest of my furniture in the living/bed room - no curtains yet so I put it in here where I already sleep. So $30 and $10 gas to friends who may move in across the sidewalk is not too much for a solid piece.

I may at a later date forgo the air mattress on top - but MAN I do have a delightfully fluffy and tall bed - no more wondering how I will get off the floor now. :P

So tonight I made chinese food and had some people over I used to work with and that was cool. We might play some disc later on in the week. Tomorrow the big plan after work and some sleep is to go get a futon from someone off craigslist.

I'm kind of looking forward to having the bed off the floor - I decided to get a cheap futon off cl with a mattress and continue to actually sleep on the rather good air mattress I have on top of it. I get the support and the extra height I like and don't have to touch anyone else's potential cooties (naturally I will be making a run to the laundrohut with the cover) - now I just need curtains for 5 windows to make the bedroom dark enough to use.

Hey melvh I need to get hold of Laurelbutt. Hook me up? I haz planz. *evil grin*

122 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior Take the test!

We don't actually elect the president. No, we don't. We vote and in theory our representative official we didn't vote for - the member of the Electoral College - will vote for us. BUT - they don't actually *have* to vote the way we want them to, they can vote their conscience and completely ignore the rest of us.

So seriously, it doesn't matter whose sign is in your yard, who you mark in the voting booth or who you think would do the best job. WE ARE NOT THE DECIDERS.

So it doesn't matter who is on Obama's iPod or whether Bernie Mac is a potty mouth, or whether McCain is soft of immigration and has a traitor working for him (Dr. Hernandez is a US citizen who served in the Mexican cabinet of Vincente Fox - serving a foreign government is TREASON boys and girls) - because the deals have already been made, America. We stopped having an actual say a long time ago.

This message of disgust with the American political system was made by an American who has never missed a federal election and missed very few local elections in the last 20 years.

and Baruch Hashem, I've gotten through it and feel much more like my regular, non-depressed self.

A lot of people don't know what to do when someone they know is suicidal and that's what I want to talk about today. The biggest thing you can do when someone is like that (as many of you did) is tell the person that you care about them and offer to listen.

Suicide is often an impulse. Triggered by whatever - that doesn't matter so much. What does matter is the time between someone saying they are in trouble and them doing something rash - those minutes count. No one needed to tell me not to do it, I didn't *want* to so much as I was so overwhelmed I couldn't see anything else. I got a phone call from an LJer with the same cell company I have so it didn't use my precious last 2 minutes of airtime. That conversation, just talking - allowed me to get past the crisis and realise that I could keep going.

It didn't solve the crisis, it didn't make my life magically all ponies and rainbows, but it sure let me get my head clear enough to let go of the impulsive moment that could have ended badly. There is an interesting article I found in the NYT that talks about the very moments I'm referring to and provoked this random informational post.

I'm okay for now and feeling better everyday - and that was a particularly bad swing for me, normally I don't get suicidal when I get depressed - hence me being scared shitless of myself. But I know having that spiraling chain of thought interrupted saved my life.

It's not that I didn't have reasons to live, I have many. What I didn't have until that call was distraction from the impulsive thought that I was so powerless in the face of everything else that my reasons to live didn't matter.

Talking to a friend brought everything into a focus that wasn't as distorted and allowed me to hold onto the things that make me want to get up and keep breathing everyday. It was a friend, not a rabbi or an authority figure, I don't think I could have been as receptive had it been one of the local rabbis - they are great people but not really in the friend catagory.

The talking to a voice mattered too. Chatting/IM/txt can be a lifeline to a point, but hearing another person, talking to another person with voice and intonation and interaction - that helped me where chatting hadn't been able to as much. And some small miracles, but those came after.

I chose to live when I pressed "answer" and most of the people who are where I was want to live as well, they just can't see how. If you can be that person in the right place at the right time, (and honestly, sometimes you *can't* be and that is okay too) let them choose to press answer rather than leaving them alone in the dark.

mortifyd

Fireworks in Portland were awesome. We went over to JeffteyJeffs and walked around to one of the open bridges (no idea which one) and watched the fireworks display - we could see everything, even the guys working the show on the boat. The show was great, if a little mistimed between the 2 rigs - but hell, that's some hard stuff to do. One of the boats did get hit with a misfire but it didn't seem to cause any trouble for them and everyone seemed to be having a great time.

It's always so freaking friendly here, it's nice. People just hang out and are cool to one another generally - it's very different from Phoenix in that respect. Not that people in Phoenix aren't cool - the vibe is just different here. So Rose City + fireworks = AWESOME.

May you have many more. And I should be around to write you crap notes mocking you as you age.

Love you.

mortifyd

Also, Happy Birthday America. Please stop sucking. I used to be proud to be American.

and I am awake.

Probably my first decent sleep since last week or even before - I crashed about 10pm and woke up at 9am. Didn't rip off my headgear, I actually breathed and slept at the same time. \o/

Going to a job fair today with a friend from work for a couple hours to see what is what as well. I feel better today than I have in a while. I got some dishes washed and put away, the bed made - things are at least not a hazard.

Thanks everyone who wrote or called.

I still don't have much of a plan, but I have the beginnings of one for now.

Anyone? Anything? I have no money, no minutes, no hope. I don't know how to get help and I really am at the end of my rope. I don't want to die, but I really don't see anything else at the moment. I'm so scared. Please help me.

cholov yisroel kumiss in the back of my fridge.

*shifty eyes*

1. I recycle everywhere.
2. I hike regularly.
3. I own a tv but it's not plugged in.
4. My work has a kickball game weekly. On Sundays to be inclusive.
5. I know how to navigate Trimet.
6. I'm going to start a container garden in buckets donated by my work.
7. I know someone in a band.
8. I know 3 chefs and 3 bakers in training.
9. My work friends party at my house because its closer to be inclusive and to let me keep kosher in a non-kosher town.
10. I played disc golf and liked it. Enough that I might even buy discs. As in more than one. Because this sure as hell isn't Frisbee (tm).