I had my belt test for my martial arts group and passed. Even if there was a tense moment where I had to attempt a cartwheel, even though I have never done a cartwheel; not even as a child. But it was a great feeling tying on my new belt, looking around the room at all of my friends that had helped me get to that point. It’s hard not knowing with my knee if I’ll be able to train next week, or even for a long time. It is really starting to worry me, especially as I realize I’m not only not feeling touch but temperature either.

 

Back to the good though. So I came back to my dorm to check my e-mail and got some great surprises. Friday the club that I am now a co-chair of put together an all inclusive speed dating event. It wasn’t what we thought it was going to be. The opposite gender loving session (heterosexual) had one PhD male student and then two of us girls, so everyone there (mostly gay guys, ad bisexual women) sat and talked. For the same gender loving session there were only two women I didn’t know, the other three were already my friends. I really liked everyone, and had fun talking to the other women. When my friend sent out the e-mail about who was interested in me it was cool to see the two women I had just met both were interested. It was really flattering, and a confidence boost. To make things even better one of them added me as a friend on Facebook. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner in return. So the e-mail I saw when I got back was that she wanted to go out to dinner. I have a date on Tuesday, and I’m so excited/nervous/not-sure-how-I-feel. There was also an e-mail from the other woman, who is older than me. She invited me to a concert on Wednesday, but I had to decline because of exams. But we’re planning on getting together later this summer and jamming on the guitar.

 

It’s kind of neat to know that other people can be interested in you. It’s hard when your younger brother is co much better at relationships than you. And practically everyone else too! Even if things don’t work out, it will be cool to meet other people from campus. Anyway statistics say most people who settle with one person for the rest of their lives met them because of connections through friends; so your best bet is to make friends!

 

Now if I could find a job and get my knee to heal/feel/stop hurting things would be practically perfect!

"Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial." Eric Draven, The Crow

Sometimes it’s the little things that just make a day good. There wasn’t even anything special about today, but it felt good. The weather was nice, and beautiful. I talked with so many people that I know in all my classes. It’s sad that by the time I really start to enjoy my classmates, the semester is over. One week to go, and that feels too close and too far away at the same time. I also got a small note from my best friend from high school. It never ceases to amaze me how one little note always makes my day brighter. I guess I need to remember that and reciprocate more often! ^_~ Maybe the rest of the week will keep this feel, I could get used to this!

Have you ever read a story and as you are reading it you feel what the characters are feeling? It is one of my favorite things about reading, is experiencing the emotions of other people. Often times after a really good book, I have trouble separating what I’m feeling and what the characters were feeling. The worst is when I’ve been reading for a while and something interrupts me, the abrupt change makes it confusing sometimes. I think this why I have always found a happy escape in books, and it is what I strive for when I write. I know a story is really good if I feel the emotions in my chest, a twinge of pain for soul breaking sorrow, a flutter for a fleeting touch of a loved one, Goosebumps from a truly compassionate act, teeth clenching from uncalled for injustice, etc. The stories I like best are the ones that arouse these responses, and those characters are the ones I relate to most.

 

I’m not really sure why that was one my mind, maybe it’s just because I’m worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally at the moment. I always wonder if other people experience these feelings when they read, but it’s a weird question to ask. Hopefully with school ending soon I will get a chance to recharge so I am not so susceptible to everyone else’s moods; both the real and imagined people’s moods.

So a couple of weeks ago I went on a completely awkward speed date with a gay man.  It was a test for a speed dating event we’re working on organizing and we were testing the time length. And let me tell you when there is absolutely no attraction (he is so gay it took him forever to figure out how the straight part of the speed dating would work!) two minutes can seem like an ETERNITY.

 

Now why is any of this relevant? It just so happens that he is in my Stats class and we had a review tonight. I sat with him and another friend who is also bisexual and currently has a boyfriend. Well we all decided that the review was worthless and left halfway through and ended up at Starbucks. I decided to work with the guy I had gone on a “date” with, since he is REALLY bad at Stats (with a fever I did better than him on the last exam). It was fun since he has even worse ADD habits than I do (not that either of us actually have it to my knowledge), and it was great taking breaks. And I find I learn better when I am teaching, so it’s a win-win situation. Anyway about an hour in he stops and states that I smell good, and that he “has been sniffing me all night.” He then reaffirmed that he is very much gay.

 

For me it was funny and very flattering. I am a VERY sensory person, I always touch, smell, taste, etc everything (when it is appropriate). But I am especially scent oriented. Since I always smell other people it has always been in the back of my mind wondering how I smell to other people.  I know there are people that I think smell wonderful, and usually those are my closest friends. Then there are people that unfortunately smell in a way that bothers me, but usually it’s not bad. Most people fall into an non-notable smell category, where occasionally I will smell something but most of the time there is nothing one way or the other. I unconsciously smell others and everything, so I always wonder how I smell. It’s not just something you can ask someone, because in truth I don’t know if I really want to know if I smell bad…

 

Moral of the story I smell good to a gay guy…

My life is crazy and so stressful right now. I’m putting of two papers and studying for an exam. Maybe after this I might take a break or write like I used to, I need something at the very least. It’s funny how when things start to go bad I turn to the things that got me through middle school. So I wrote in my private journal for over 2000 words in stream of consciousness and am listening to October Project. There is just something soothing in her depressing voice, I just wasn’t up for Linkin Park and anger, maybe in a day or so.

At least dinner was AMAZING thanks to codenamepancake.

Things have been a bit rough the last few days. I found out I didn’t even make it to the interview stage for a job that I thought I would get no problem. So it has caused me to be in a panic about what I am doing this summer. I want to stay here more than anything (ok that is a lie, there are other places I would rather be and doing, but I just can’t…). All the panic, worry, and rejection have really been tough on me. I think not really resting over break is also catching up with me. I hate how I am when I am this stressed and angry/depressed/emotional, I get angry at people who are only trying to help. But there is just something in me that dies every time I have to try and sell myself to all these companies.

 Anyway, before I just go off and keep complaining, I wanted to focus on the good. I decided to go and help out a friend at his private lesson in ninjiitsu. Basically I got beat up for a couple hours, and it was wonderful. Whenever I train I can’t think about anything else, which means I can’t worry. When I’m stressed it is one of the few things that calm me down. Plus there are the people, and they are like a second family to me at times. It was great just being with a group of them and talking. I don’t know what is going on this summer, or if I’ll be happy wherever I am, but things are never as bad as I think (one perk of being a pessimist!). The only problem is one of my arms is really sore today, but it’ll heal.

It’s funny; I haven’t felt the overwhelming urge to write in a long time. But tonight my fingers are itching to be given free reign. I’ve wanted to write something heartbreaking and tragic, but with a happy ending for a long time, but I just can’t think of a fitting situation. The situation will make or break the story; it will change how tragic I can make it. And being giving homage to my favorites, I don’t wan to mess up. In the back of my mind though, I am remembering some stories I wanted to finish. Maybe this summer I can finally start working on some of these stories that have been with me for so long now. It’s time to clear these characters out of my head. And more importantly, I have really missed writing.

By all rights I should be sleeping, after having a fever for two days and being generally sick for three. And I was just about to sleep when I decided to check my e-mail, which means I now have to post. Its news that for some reason isn’t being talked about and I think it should.

 

It seems this week that there have been several school shootings. These are tragic and horrific events that children and adolescents shouldn’t have to worry about on top of all the other pressures they are facing. One that seems to be getting glossed over is the one in Oxnard, California. One boy was gunned down by one other student. This one seems out of place because there was only one victim, and seemingly only one target. It has been pushed aside because the college shooting this week had 5 victims and the shooter killed himself. But I think this one in California needs some more publicity.

 

The one thing most people don’t know is that the reason this 15 year old boy was gunned down by his 14 year old classmate was because he was GAY! Yes you read that right a 14 and 15 year old and because he was GAY. Why is this not on the news? The only reason I know this is because I got an Urgent message from GLSEN, because today the 15 year old victim is being taken off the ventilator and he is finally going to die. His life is over at 15 and his shooters life will also end because he has to live with the consequences of his action. How bad has the hate gotten in our country that CHILDREN are killing other CHILDREN because of sexuality? What kind of world are we living in where Hannah Montana not wearing a seat belt is bigger news than a boy being killed because he was gay? It’s one thing when adults have to suffer abuse because they are different, because they love other people. How does a 14 year old or any aged person for that matter get it into their heads that they’re going to kill someone that day?

 

I can’t even figure out where I want to go with this post. I’m just so baffled by this. Mostly thought I am saddened that this can happen, and more so that it can happen without anyone knowing it has happened. There is a reason I as a very open person do not talk about my sexuality, there is a reason I didn’t even tell my best friends in high school.

 

Please if people read this post let others know, Lawrence King was the 15 year old victim. That was his name, Lawrence; by the time you read this he is probably already dead. And the world is going to forget about him and this horrendous act. Yes there are plenty of other violent crimes that happen, yes all school shootings are bad. But he was specifically targeted, and this is a whole new type of threat, and could start a whole new problem and it needs to be addressed, not pushed aside. He and his family need to be remembered, because no family should have to bury their child, not like this.

I’m now officially a year older than I was before. Tuesday was a great day in and of itself. I got invited to be one of three people to represent my martial arts club at a self defense seminar. Then I found out that I got hand picked by our sensee to join him and a few others to learn a new fighting style (we were invited, but the whole club can’t go). It is a great honor to know that he thinks that highly of me, and I’ve only been training for a year and a half. Also one of the girls from the club told me that I was the reason she joined the club, my personality (and butt kicking ability) convinced her to stay. Then I rounded out the night at my sword fighting club, and I got to fight a new style. I got to try sword and dagger for the first time, and another group used the main gauche. It was amazing, and I can’t wait to be able to fight in it more often. Then I finished the night working on bo-staff, and I love that too.

Then Wednesday (my birthday) was awesome. It started with a call from a friend that I hadn’t heard from in a bit. It was great to hear her doing well. Then I opened my presents, and my parents still spoil me! Then throughout the day I received so many birthday wishes, somewhere above 60 on facebook. And I’m egotistical enough to say I loved it. Although many of them were from people that I never even talked to in High School. I also went to dinner with a great group of friends, and they bought me dinner. Then the bisexual club brought cupcakes and we played games. It’s funny we played 10 fingers (never have I ever without drinking) and I won by 5…needless to say I live a boring/different life. But I had a great time. And I’m ending my day watching Big Eden, and loving it, Pike is adorable. Henry better not break his heart…

Hopefully in the next few days I’ll get a chance to write out what I was talking about the other day. But that is going to take time and right now I just want to finish enjoying my high from several wonderful days.