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What's been up
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Jan. 30th, 2006 @ 04:08 am
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Well, I've been writing, that's what. Last week, I drafted and then rewrote an essay, and finished up a story to submit to True Confessions. That was Monday-Tuesday. Then on Wednesday, the migraine from hell struck and lasted through Friday. Killed my momentum and my productivity. Good news is, the migraine has run its course (*knock wood*), and tomorrow it's BACK TO WORK! Have to find markets for the essay and get the story ready to submit (onto disk, cover letter done, in the envelope, etc.) and send it on its way and hope for the best. Then back to work again on several ideas for new stories, articles and essays. Not a moment too soon, either (and probably a bit later than it should be)...just found out for sure that the last check from my secondary income is the one I'll be getting this Friday. Had hoped for another month to get going, but it's not going to happen. Money from writing must come NOW!
Okay, that's it. Have to get a little nap. Busy day tomorrow, don't want to be dead tired & give myself any excuse to slack off. haha
Over and out.Current Mood:  anxious Current Music: the snores of my 3 yo son with a cold |
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I'm writing!!!
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Jan. 24th, 2006 @ 02:03 am
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Okay, so I'm a writer, and that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Well, if you've read any of this blog at all you'll know I haven't really written anything but a few blog posts in quite awhile. But on Sunday I drafted an essay sparked by a tiny incident in the day-to-day grind here in this sometimes chaotic household and with encouragement from dej, who I innocently told about the incident. Got some comments on the draft from her, and from Kim, and then I did a SECOND DRAFT today! Best of all, I think, is the fact that it was a MUCH BETTER draft.
Okay, so you want to know why this is significant? I can understand that. For most writers who actually write, it wouldn't be. But I've had this problem for a long time with: A) Taking ideas I get and actually WRITING something from them, and B) Taking what I write and actually turning it into a finished piece. See, if it wasn't perfect as it fell from my fingertips to keyboard to screen, then I was done. And of course nothing was ever perfect the first time. Writing just doesn't work that way. Obvious, but something I'm only now getting through my head. Hey--the perfectionist streak runs long and deep here!
So, I'm working on this essay, then I'm going to find a potential market or two for it when it's done. Meanwhile, I took a look at an old story I'd written with the intention of submitting to True Confessions, and which I never finished, revised, polished and sent like I should have, and I still actually think it's pretty good and has a shot. So, tomorrow morning during my writing time, I'm going to work on finishing, revising and polishing it so I can send it out this week.
That's another thing--my writing time. For a long time I thought my best writing time was late at night when all the kids were asleep and all was quiet, but I'm finding out almost the opposite is actually true. By the time the kids are all asleep and the house is straightened & the kitchen cleaned up (both of which I am compelled to do before I can concentrate on anything else at all), I'm beat, and all I want to do is something relatively mindless, like sit here and play Texas Hold'em Poker (I love, love, LOVE that game!) on Pogo. Oddly enough, after many, many years of being a night owl and having all my energy in the wee hours, I'm finding that I'm doing my best (and only, really) work in the mornings after we drop Rachel off at school. Damian is content to watch cartoons and Bethany is usually sleepy and content to crawl around playing with her toys and not getting into too much mischief until naptime. I can work for a couple hours, then if I feel the need to nap when they do I can rest without guilt. Or I can come back downstairs and work some more. It's great! In a way I miss hooting with the owls all night, but I'm much more productive, and that's very important to me right now.
Now I can proudly say, "I'm a writer--and I'm WRITING!" Go, me!
Over and out.Current Mood:  excited Current Music: whistle of a train from the nearby yard |
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Q & A By Moonlight
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Jan. 20th, 2006 @ 05:27 am
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Kim got this from Joyce's blog, so I thought I'd play along, too. Granted, it may not look like it, but this is all writing-related--part of my "get to know me better" campaign to figure out what it is I really should be writing. Enjoy!
1. What color are your kitchen plates? Er, neon green and neon pink plastic. Didn't think I'd use anything breakable with three kids ages seven and under in the house, did ya? (I do have some beige stoneware with a blue stripe around the edge for the big people to use if they want to.)
2. What book are you reading now? Well, A Widow for One Year by John Irving is sitting in the bathroom (the only place I ever get enough peace to read), but I haven't actually read a page in a month or so. I've been spending my reading time with confession mags (i.e. True Confessions, Black Romance, Bronze Thrills) trying to get up the nerve to try and write & submit something to the editor. Could be a lucrative market for me if I could get my butt started. Problem is, I just don't "get" those stories yet, so I'm not so sure I can write one that will sell. I read about people on the confessions writing list cranking out (and selling!) one or two stories a week to the editor of those three pubs (who also belongs to the group), and I think I should be able to do it, too.
3. What's on your mouse pad? Don't have one--it's a laptop with a touch screen and two buttons.
4. What's your favorite board game? Backgammon
5. Favorite magazine? O, even though it's one I'll never be published in cuz it's mostly staff written and/or you have to be somebody important (in Oprah's estimation) to write for them.
6. Favorite smell? Lilac
7. Least favorite smell? My preschooler's poo. I can't wait till he uses the toilet!
8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Getting the baby a bottle so she'll go back to sleep until it's time to actually get up. This morning she wanted it at 4:30, which explains why I'm here posting at 6 a.m. At least I went to bed at a decent hour last night!
9. Favorite color? Red
10. Least favorite color? Eh, don't really have one. I like lotsa color!
11. How many rings before you answer the phone? Hmmm...I haven't had a house phone in about 2 years, and my cell phone doesn't "ring" (it plays the song "1985"), so I dunno, really.
12. Future child's name? Not applicable. I had my surgery one year ago next week.
13. Chocolate or vanilla? I'm with Kim--I want my coffee chocolate and my ice cream vanilla. Anything else depends on my mood at the moment and is more likely to be neither of those.
14. Do you like to drive too fast? Nope. Watching out for cops makes it more difficult to pay attention to what the other idiots on the road are doing.
15. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? No, with two young children and one cuddly 6-month-old kitten named Aphrodite who insists on getting under the covers to curl up against my back.
16. Thunderstorms: cool or scary? Very cool!
17. What type was your first car? 1971 Chevy Caprice My dad insisted that I'd be well-protected in case of an accident. Wish I still had it, cuz I could make a small fortune selling it around here now!
18. If you could see one person dead or alive? My mom.
19. Favorite alcoholic drink? Hornsby's Amber Draft Hard Cider; if it has to be a mixed drink: Jack Daniels black label & dietCoke
20. What is your sign and your birthday? Aries--April Fool's Day (no joke)
21. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Yep.
22. If you could have any job, what would it be? Established freelance writer with assignments rolling in (as opposed to having to query and hope), with a couple lucrative fiction and non-fiction book contracts on the side for good measure.
23. If you could have any color hair, what would it be? Auburn, which is what it is, but minus the white hairs in the top.
24. Is the glass half-full or half-empty? Doesn't matter. It'll be all over the floor in a few seconds, anyway, with my crew.
25. Favorite TYPE of movie? Drama/suspense
26. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Yep, ever since 8th grade typing class. 86 wpm error-free at last check.
27. What's under your bed? A few stray socks, some dust bunnies and a stray cat toy or two.
28. What is your favorite number? 1 and 7...My and my kids' birthdays all end in 1 or 7, isn't that weird? April 1, Feb. 11, Dec. 27, Oct. 7, Dec. 1
29. Favorite sport to watch? Football. Or Texas Hold'em Poker, if being carried on ESPN classifies it as a sport now. hehe
30. What is your single biggest fear? Dying while any of my children are still under the age of 18.
31. Favorite CD? Erm. I think I've mentioned before that I'm not a big music person.
32. Favorite TV show? E.R.
33. Ketchup or mustard? Ketchup
34. Hamburgers or hot dogs? Can I have one of each?
35. Favorite soft drink? dietCoke
36. The best place you have ever been? Taos, New Mexico
37. What screensaver is on your computer right now? Another Kim echo: Don't have one. Hate them.
38. Burger King or McDonald's? Neither. Wendy's.
Over and out.Current Mood:  awake Current Music: Blue's Clues theme music |
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Pet Peeves du Jour
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Jan. 18th, 2006 @ 10:17 am
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Here's what's bugging me today, since I've spent the entire morning dealing with the aftermath(s?) instead of sitting down here writing and querying my little (soon-to-be-VERY-broke) heart out...
1. Why is it that a hungry man can fix himself a four-course meal, eat his fill...and then leave the rest on the stove to rot??? More precisely, I guess, for me to clean up, and if I don't, it's my fault it rots???? I took Rachel and Damian to Family Math and Science night at Rachel's school last night while he watched the baby. Managed to fix himself (and her, sorta) salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, garlic noodles, and corn. We get home, and I find the cats up on the counter slurping up the margarine-laden corn juice, dangerously close to the not-covered salisbury steak left in the pan on the stove. Oh, but he did cover the potatoes and the noodles (more cookware for me to wash that way). His explanation? "I thought you and the kids would be hungry when you got back." Uh, no. That's why we ate BEFORE we left (he knew this.) Since he just shrugged and went on up to bed, I left the mess where he left it, thinking if it was still there he'd put it away when he got up to get ready for work (second job I mentioned in the previous post). Wrong. Yes, I should have known, but after nine years, I still hope. Silly me. Oh, he did throw out the remaining salisbury steak. Evidently the cats found it while we were asleep. But this morning I've been cleaning up the rest of the mess, including the pan of mashed potatoes he couldn't be bothered to scrape out so they're now stuck like glue--not hard to imagine, since he makes them that way to begin with.
AND, since his mess of pans with food still in them was all crowded on the stove burners with the dirty dishes he'd used piled around them, and I refused to touch them last night, I completely forgot that I had a large pot of ham and beans that I had cooked earlier still sitting on the stove waiting to be put away for tonight's dinner. Two pounds of beans and five pounds of ham that's going to become feral cat food. *sigh*
2. Why can't my cats keep the litter in the box?? I clean the darned thing several times a day (have to with these two pigs-in-catsuits), yet I can go away for a few hours and come back to piles of litter and assorted waste all over the floor! Yeah, that's how it was when we got home from said school function last night--do you think so-called S.O. could be bothered to sweep it up??? Oh NO! So, I sweep it up, clean out the box, go to bed...and this morning, there are piles of litter, assorted mess, and CAT PEE on the floor! The box was CLEAN when we went to bed! So, this morning, I've also swept it yet again, cleaned out the box, and scrubbed the floor with Pine-Sol. It already needs scooping out again.
And speaking of litter box peeves...what is Bethany's (13 mos.+2wks.+3 days) fascination with crawling straight to the litter box and sticking her hands in it every time my back is turned for two seconds???
3. Laundry, a pet-peeve all in itself. How/why do these children go through so many clothes??? By Sunday I had every piece of clothing they own washed, folded and put away neatly in their drawers. So why do I now have a FULL hamper in the laundry room and one full large basket that I brought down from upstairs already this morning??? No wonder I don't often actually fold and put it all away. They can fish from baskets for awhile again.
4. Why does Damian (3 yrs. + 3 mos. old) refuse to use the toilet for anything other than climbing on so he can reach the sink to brush his teeth? He knows when he has to go, he can dress himself (which presumably means he can also pull his pants up and down), he knows what the toilet is for, he runs through lists of all the family members who "pee and poop in the potty like a big boy/girl." So why won't HE do it???? He's getting too big and too stinky for me to keep changing dirty pull ups.
5. How can a man have eight children and not have a single clue about how to take care of any one of them? Here's the phone call I just got from so-called S.O.
S.O.: What time did you get up?
Me: [WTF??] Eight o'clock, like I always do to get Rachel to school.
S.O.: That late?? Did you get her to school on time?
Me: [Again, WTF?? She doesn't have to be at school till 9, and it's two minutes up the street.] Yeah, I pretty much know by now how much time I need to get everyone ready and out the door.
S.O.: Yeah, but that's kinda late...aw, she doesn't have to be there till 9, that's right. Never mind.
Me: [Yeah, like you'd know that if I hadn't told you over and over.] Duh.
S.O.: So, what are Damian and Bethany doing?
Me: [Why do I feel like he's checking up on me here?] Damian's playing and I just changed Bethany & got her a bottle so she can take a nap.
S.O.: A nap???? Didn't she sleep all night??
Me: (having reached 'boil' from the beginning 'slow burn' at the start of the interrogation) Yeah, she's yawning and rubbing her eyes. She takes a freaking nap at the same freaking time every damn day. Don't act like I'm making her take a nap when you turn off all the lights and put her down 'to bed' in the playpen at 7:00 so you can doze on the couch and watch basketball!! [steam coming out of my ears at this point, since this is just what he did while we were gone last night.]
S.O.: Oh. Well, I guess I'll just talk to you later then.
Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeesh. I guess pet peeve #5 would actually be that I take the best possible care of all of my children that I can, and all he does is question every move I make, as if *I* was the one who's the totally incompetent parent.
Okay, enough griping. I'm going to go "make" my son take his nap now...nevermind that if he doesn't he'll be melting down and passing out on the couch by 4 p.m. all on his own. I must be "making" him sleep for my own benefit, that's it. Nevermind that while he's asleep I'll be washing mountains of dishes and clothes so I can make them a meal and dress them in clean stuff after their baths tonight (at which time S.O. will ask: "Didn't you take them a bath last night?" [Note: yes, this is how he says it.] Gee, I guess the concept of bathing more than once a week is foreign to him as well.)
Over and out. |
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Seven Sevens
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Jan. 14th, 2006 @ 10:49 pm
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Okay, so I just now found out I'd been tagged for this a month ago by Kim. I admit it--I'm more than a little behind, not to mention I haven't really updated this blog in months. Will try to do better, that's all I can promise.
So, here are my Seven Sevens:
Seven Things To Do Before I Die
1. See all four of my kids grown and leading happy, fulfilling, productive lives.
2. Quit smoking (no lectures, please--I know this is directly related to #1, and the rest of my seven, too.)
3. Become a multi-published, steadily working romance writer for my bread and butter, sorta like Shirley Jump, but in my own style, of course.
4. Spend two weeks in Hawaii, both because I'd love to and because my mom and dad planned to go there when dad retired, but Mom didn't live to see that happen.
5. Figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life--for sure, that is. I think I know, but well...ya never know.
6. Find a man who loves me for WHO I AM, not who he thinks I should be and what I do (or don't do) for him.
7. Learn to speak and understand Spanish fluently.
Seven Things I Cannot Do
1. Speak or understand Spanish. hehe
2. Resist a stray or feral cat. Gotta feed 'em. But woe to the stray dog that tries to steal their food or menace my children! (Sorry, I'm not a dog person. I've had 'em, even grew up with 'em, don't want 'em again.)
3. Eat liver.
4. Or peas.
5. Make a scratch butterscotch cake (icing and all) that turns out right.
6. Drive a stick.
7. Forget the pain of watching my mother succumb to a sudden illness and die within fifteen days when she was only 53 and had never really been sick a day in her life.
Seven Things I Admire in My Spouse
Don't have one, but I'll grudgingly try to find Seven about my so-called "significant other," since we have sorta been together for over nine years and have three kids together. Grudgingly.
1. He works pretty hard at two very good jobs.
2. He loves his kids. All eight of them, not just ours.
3. His ability to put himself first in ALL things.
4. His sex drive. I don't share it, but for a man his age...apologies if TMI, but this is my Sevens blog, and I warned ya I'm doing this one grudgingly.
5. His ability to live off others, even though #1. (*Note sarcasm here.)
6. His appreciation of many kinds of music.
7. He will usually do what I ask of him (although only after arguing with me for awhile about why he can't--oh, and we're talking simple stuff here like buying a package of diapers or watching the baby while I take the other two to a school function that's not for babies.)
*Whew* I did it. I'm amazed.
Seven Things I Say Most Often
1. Cut it out--NOW!
2. Pick it up--NOW!
3. Chill.
4. Bite me.
5. Bethany, ah-aht! (This one delivered to my 13-month-old while shaking my head & looking very serious. I learned before my oldest was born that you should never tell a non-verbal child "No," but use some other negative indication. It actually works, and it keeps them from becoming "NO!" monsters themselves when they can finally talk.)
6. Okey dokey.
7. Get down, Dusty/Aphrodite! (They're our two cats, and I just said it to Dusty when she jumped in my lap wanting to cuddle as I was typing this.)
Seven Books (or Series) I Love
1. Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell
2. The Stand by Stephen King
3. The Witching Hour/Lives of the Mayfair Witches series by Anne Rice
4. Nancy Drew mysteries...or at least I did when I was a kid, haven't picked one up lately.
5. Little Audrey and the Moon Lady that was given to me in first grade by my teacher, Miss Cook, as a reward for good reading (yes, I still have it.)
6. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
7. Fox In Socks by Dr. Seuss I just love reading this one aloud (and did even before I had kids.)
Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again
1. Gone With The Wind
2. xXx - The original starring Vin Diesel. Yum.
3. The Door In The Floor - Starring Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger. It's based on one part of John Updike's novel A Widow For One Year, which I have, but have not gotten around to reading yet.
4. Hitch. - Will Smith is so funny, and it's a good love story, too.
5. The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl - Okay, this one isn't a choice cuz my son LOVES this movie, but it really is a great story about the power of dreams. Y'all should watch it sometime.
6. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - The new one, starring Johnny Depp. With all due respect to Gene Wilder, Johnny Depp is sophisticatedly hilarious as Willy Wonka. The new version is truer to Roald Dahl's story and dark imagination, and the movie is just better, notwithstanding the outcry over them using one little person instead of a cast of hundreds to play the Oompa Loompas. Special effects has nothing to do with it for me. (My 3-year-old son loves this version, too, by the way, much more so than the original.)
7. The Muse - Starring Sharon Stone as a real-life daughter of Zeus. Albert Brooks plays a screenwriter who gets way more than he bargained for when he enlists her services.
Seven Songs I Can't Get Enough Of
Eh, I'm not really "into" music, but here are some I'd crank the radio for (and maybe even jump up and dance!)*
1. Santa Claus is Comin' (In a Boogie Woogie Choo-Choo Train) - The Tractors (always loved boogie woogie piano music, even when I had to play it as a kid, and this song features a mean boogie-woogie beat.)
2. Atomic Dog - George Clinton
3. Jack and Diane - John (Cougar) Mellencamp
4. When Doves Cry - Prince
5. Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
6. All Star - Smashmouth
7. Come On and Ride It (The Train) - Quad City DJ's
*Note: what you should glean from the above list is:
A. I don't really "know" anything about music.
B. I grew up on country.
C. I was a teenager in the 80's.
D. I went dancing a lot in the late 90's.
Seven People I Want To Join In Too...
Hmm...do I know seven people who haven't already done this...? I don't think so. I'll just say: if you're reading this and haven't done it yet, consider yourself tagged!
Over and out. |
| » Infrastructure and backups |
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So, my first order of business (writing business) for 2006 seems to be a need to back up all my files on my laptop, since it's making an odd noise, and I have a feeling the hard drive could go at any minute. Asked my friend dej (http://www.figure-skating-blog.com), who knows these things, about good CD burner programs, and she told me this one is the best - and it doesn't come with spyware attached (a big plus): http://www.cheetahburner.com . I'll be back after I've used it to save all my previous writing work from oblivion!
Jan. 5th, 2006 @ 07:26 pm
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| » What's stopping me? |
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Of course I want to write. I spend nearly every waking moment thinking, at least peripherally, about writing, ideas churning, dialogue running through my mind, narrating myself through daily tasks and chores, but why don't I WRITE anything????? What is it that keeps me from just sitting down and doing it with all the ideas I have? No, lack of ideas is definitely not my problem. When I have a few minutes to sit down and work on something, it seems like so much work, and I waste away my time reading about writing and not doing any of it. I've even been ignoring the short story class that I'm paying good money to take and learn from. I'm beginning to think signing up for it was another delaying tactic, since I'm not even doing the assignments. Why should I? Truth is I already know how to write, and should not be wasting $500 on this two-year course just to affirm that. I get back assignments saying, "you definitely grasp the lessons and apply them." Duh. Cuz I already know how to write. Why am I wasting time and money (I don't really have) just to hear that? Why can't I believe it myself, and do it? Not like I'll make money doing something else instead, even if I may not get paid for something I might submit until six months from now. I don't get me and my lack of writing, but I sure hope I can figure it all out when the next bootcamp gets going. So here, in advance, is my goal for session two of Bootcamp--to figure out why I DON'T write, exorcise the demon, and WRITE all the time!!!
Aug. 14th, 2005 @ 03:39 am
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| » Writing routines |
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I don't have one. Worse yet, I can't figure out how to get one. Is it even possible to fit one in with the way life goes around here?? Let me lay it out for you. Maybe for me, too. Although I've gone over it in my head a thousand times and still can't figure out where writing can fit. I just know that if it doesn't someway, sometime, and soon, Mama's gonna blow. hehe
Nope, forget it. Now that this entry was interrupted by having to get the baby a bottle and change her clothes and diaper (she slobbered all over her nightshirt & had to have a fresh one), then finally getting her settled to sleep now that it's after 4 a.m., I've decided I'm not going to whine about the particulars of why I don't have any kind of writing routine. Instead, I'm going to focus on what I can do and on how things are going to radically change around here once school starts on Monday (!), anyway. Starting then, ready or not, this whole household has to change from a flock of night owls into sparrows (robins, starlings, something) that sing at (practically) dawn. Lemme tell you, when you're used to going to bed anywhere from 4-8 a.m., it's going to be quite a switch getting UP at 7:30 a.m. instead. (That's just me; the kids aren't quite that bad. Almost, but not quite.) So...we'll be going to bed before midnight, all of us, some earlier than others, me the latest. I can manage quite well on 6 hours sleep a night (never get that much right now, but it's ideal), so I'll have to get to bed by 1:30 a.m. Rachel (6, going to first grade) is the critical one--she needs at least ten hours a night, so will have to be in bed by 9:30. Wish me luck on that one. She's the one who holds out till I go to bed if it's at the 4-5 a.m. end of my bedtime spectrum; much later and she passes out on the couch & I carry her up. Heck, 9:30 is even an hour earlier than my son (2 yrs. 10 mos.) normally goes down. He'll have to go by 9:30, too. Can't have him going to bed later than his older sister. The baby (8 mos.) might learn to do 9:30, as well...that would be good, getting all of them to bed at the same time. As it stands now, they all go at different times, so when I don't have all three to see to, there's at least still one or two of them up. My 17 yo senior pretty much fends for herself, of course (that's the way she wants it.) If she's up till 2 a.m., she knows she'll be really tired when 6:30 comes and she has to get on the bus. That's on her.
So, if I manage to get the other three to bed by 9:30 every night, and I can manage to stay up until 1:30 before I absolutely must sleep, then I can probably get in a good four hours' writing time every weeknight, right? Household stuff and cleaning and food prep and all that can get done during the day between shuttling 6 yo to and from school, and dinner and clean up and baths and homework in the evening before bedtime (9:30--I'm reinforcing here, imprinting it in my mind lol). Sure sounds good, anyway.
Aug. 10th, 2005 @ 04:01 am
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| » Faulty writer's mindest |
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That's what I've been operating out of. I have this unspoken notion in my head that if I'm not working on writing something that has the potential to pay off monetarily, then why bother writing at all. So guess how much I've been writing? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Not even here. (I know I exited the first session of bootcamp, but this blog is a good idea, and I'm keeping it. Not going to wipe it clean to start over next session, either. I'm going to keep the entries that are already here and go from there.) I don't write for myself at all, and therein lies the problem. I never write just to be writing; I always have to have in mind a purpose for the piece. This story for True Confessions, this query for ePregnancy, that essay for Chicken Soup for the _____________'s Soul, that article for Write for Cash, etc. Admittedly I haven't written much of anything at all in that vein, either, this summer, but that's how I think about writing: an end product with a purpose. Why can't I just write to be writing, and then figure out if it might belong somewhere someday? Or put in a lot of work writing something I won't get paid for but will get valuable practice and experience doing it? I suppose that's at the root of this post. I want to apply for an open editor position at BellaOnline, and I downloaded the application last night. Wow! A lot of work just to apply for something you don't get paid for. But it's a topic that could help me polish expertise for writing articles, and it's something I'm very familiar with and could do a great job on. Plus, I'm not really writing anything these days, anyway, so why not get a "job" (albeit unpaid) where I have deadlines and HAVE TO write. Certainly couldn't hurt me to establish some discipline and habit here.
So, after downloading the application and feeling very daunted about the amount of work you have to put in just to apply, I decided to go over this story I've had sitting on my hard drive that's perfect for True Confessions and get it ready to mail, since I recently got word directly from the TC editor about what she's looking for and how she wants it presented. But then I discovered that the story is 6-10 pages short of the length she's looking for; HOWEVER, I do have a longer version that is unfinished. I need to finish it and get it in the mail. And then start working on that BellaOnline application. And my assignment that's been due for the short story class I'm taking online. Okay, why am I still here, then?? Off to work I go!
Thanks for indulging my rambling attempt to get back into a writing mindset. ;-)
Aug. 10th, 2005 @ 03:29 am
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| » Monthly (Writing) Cycles |
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Yes, I'm talking about WRITING here...although, being a woman with all the fun that goes with it, the other ties in as well, because what I'm getting at doesn't only apply to my writing. ;-)
Thing is, I have bursts of writing energy that last for about two weeks, start fading for about a week, then disappear altogether for another week. Then it starts all over again. For those first couple weeks (of my cycle, not necessarily a given month), I'm ready to take on the world, tackle any chore in the house, go outside and play with the kids (even though it's a hundred degrees), and write up a storm regardless of interruptions or limitations on available time. I use my time wisely, for writing and working around the house. I make long lists of projects to work on, both household and writing, although I never finish the list because my ambition keeps growing and even as I'm checking off things completed, I'm coming up with more I need and want to do. Even though it's work (especially in the case of chores, of course. Still haven't firmly embedded in my own brain that WRITING should be my work, too.) Anyway. During those couple weeks, I can stay up all night long, sleep a couple hours, and be raring to go the next day, whittling away at my lists and thinking up more things to do. Not to mention I'm nearly infinitely patient with my kids, and nothing they can do will get on my nerves too badly.
By the end of that productive second week, my energy and motivation start to wane, and I'm no longer adding things to my lists. I start looking at them and counting all the things I haven't done instead of congratulating myself for all I've accomplished, and I don't add more tasks because it's suddenly too depressing to see the list growing when I realize (at this point) that I'll never get it all done. I forget that always having something to do/write/work on IS the point. "In the pursuit of happiness, the happiness lies in the pursuit," right? Enjoyment of the process; neverending, continuous process and progress. My energy and motivation are gone by the end of that week, and I spend the next week getting slightly (as opposed to clinically) depressed and feeling more and more like a slug. I snap at the kids and have nervous near-breakdowns at the slightest transgression, the slightest spill or mess; my patience, if not at zero, is at best a two or three on a scale of one to ten. Same with my patience for planting my butt in the chair and working on writing something. Anything at all. I just don't feel like it. And I know that's when I should just do it anyway. I even do fairly often during that third week of the "cycle."
You can probably tell by the missing blog entries which week last week was for me. The fourth when...I. Don't. Wan't. To. Do. Anything. I feel almost leaden as I go around doing what I have to do to keep the kids healthy and fed. That's it. The lists I worked so hard on two weeks before have by the fourth week been pushed to the back of my desk, under piles of books and magazines or thrown away because I don't want them staring up accusingly from next to the keyboard where I usually keep them handy. I read e-mail and find nothing much interesting in it. I read whatever book I might be in the middle of (in the bathroom--only place I get enough peace to read around here lol). I play games on the computer, IM with people, or find movies to watch on t.v. I suppose I still do plenty, but I get nothing really accomplished.
By the end of that fourth week (which I just reached last night/this morning), boredom has set in, and I get busy again. Once I get started, the energy kicks in, and I stay up till all hours (as is normal for me) cleaning house and writing in between loads of laundry (that I actually fold and put away!) & scrubbing floors and toilets and such. Once I feel like I've done enough cleaning and the kids are all passed out cold for the night, I sit and work on writing projects until the sun comes up and past. I'll also clean off my desk and get organized all over again, and for the next two weeks I'll feel fantastic, ready to hop out of bed every day, eager to see what's on my list to accomplish and what else I can come up with to add. I'll busy every single minute, and I'll love it. I'll be perpetually happy with my kids and take anything they do in stride and react appropriately to all situations. It'll be hard for them to get on my nerves. During these next couple weeks. And then I'll start to slide...I dread the slide, but I don't know what to do to prevent it. Maybe awareness is the first step, huh? I've even thought that I could be borderline bipolar, although I don't know too much about the condition. Just sounds like it might fit, since isn't it what they used to call manic-depressive...? (Not meaning to offend or be flip at all...just seriously wondering if my pattern could fit the disorder--is that what it's called?) On the other hand, I don't have insurance or money to see a professional to find out, and I don't want to do a lot of research on my own, since all of us can often fit the "symptoms to a syndrome." At least, I can.
I don't know...maybe I should just go with the flow and get as much accomplished during my "up" times as I can, and ride it out on the downhill side. Maybe my body and mind have developed this cycle to fit me and it's grown out of my own experience. Or maybe it's completely hormonal, in which case there's no use trying to fight it to begin with.
Hmmm...
Jul. 27th, 2005 @ 04:37 am
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| » Write what you know |
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I've always taken that old writerly adage as, "write what you can learn and apply with credibility." For instance, by the time my cat has her "accidental" (i.e. my 2 yo son deliberately let her out of the house & she ran for it because she was in heat and I hadn't gotten her spayed yet) litter of kittens, I will have learned enough about cat pregnancy, kittenbirth, and caring for newborn kittens to feel pretty confident writing non-expert level articles on the subject. Not to mention essays and basic how-to's and sidebars of resources (yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to concentrate on articles, but these ideas are falling into my lap). And despite the fact that I really don't have time for the responsibility of finding homes for them in another two months' time (I will, just have to cram it in somewhere), I elected to let her have them rather than spaying her after I found out she was indeed pregnant. Why? For the experience (aside from the fact I don't have the money to pay for spaying a pregnant cat. Mucho more expensive than the non-pregnant variety, naturally.) Besides the articles, who knows when a character in a future story or novel of mine might have to help her mother cat (called the "queen", btw) birth a litter and save a sickly newborn or six? Yep, I can learn; and later I can write about it with BTDT credibility.
On the other hand. A year and a half ago I started a novel during NaNoWriMo with a setting, characters and plot idea that sounded good at the time. But about 5,000 words into it, I realized that I have absolutely no business trying to write a ghost story set on an historical New Orleans plantation that's been converted into a resort for the semi-wealthy. I've dealt with minor ghosts a time or two (believe it or don't), BUT I have never been anywhere near New Orleans-let alone a plantation--nor have I ever been semi-wealthy enough to spend any time at any such resort. I could probably conjure the ghost of the early teenaged slave girl who was a major character in the story well enough (and I think I did in the opening scene), but the setting of this partly milieu-based novel was not working, no matter how much book and internet-based research I did. Could I eventually learn enough to pull it off without actually going to New Orleans and visiting a restored plantation? Probably. But I don't have the means to go nor the time to devote to such immersive research, so that book is on hold indefinitely unless I happen to get to a point where I can write it with some degree of credibility and make the reader feel like they've been there, even if I haven't.
HOWEVER. I have another novel-in-progress that I think works pretty well, and it's set mainly on the Juarez side of the El Paso TX/Juarez, Mexico border, and I believe I can pull that one off. What's the difference? It's not a milieu story, it's a highly character-driven story. The plot's pretty important, too, but the setting, while not simply incidental, is just the backdrop. The hero is Mexican and the heroine Mexican-American. My s.o. is Mexican-American, has plenty of siblings, some of whom have Mexican spouses, and I've been around all of them quite steadily for nearly nine years. I have also learned enough about the country itself and conditions at the border through secondhand research (books, news, internet, etc.) to write with a degree of credibility about the characters I have placed in that setting and the relevant ways it motivates their conflicts and influences their growth and development, both prior to and throughout the story. If you don't believe, me I'll show you my character and setting notes sometime. LOL My readers would never guess that I've never been anywhere near the El Paso/Jaurez border, and I won't tell them.
So, I say "write what you know" is all about credibility, and not necessarily "knowledge."
Jul. 24th, 2005 @ 03:14 am
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| » Poetry (and getting back into the blogging habit) |
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The blogging habit, that is. Felt oddly run down and flu-ish for several days and didn't have either the physical or mental fortitude to blog, but I'm back! Feeling mostly normal, if tired (as usual haha). Now to get back into the habit of blogging EVERY day.
So, poetry. I've always said, "I am not a poet." Yet any poetry I've actually written over the past, oh twelve years or so has been well received by writers and non-writers alike. Right after my grandma died (in April 1994, three months before my mom did), I wrote a poem about her and gave it to my mom to read. She told me it made her very angry when she first read it. Then she told me I should write more poetry. I think that meant it being powerful enough to stir even negative emotions was good. hehe Never really did it, though, although I did write some more after mom died, for a creative writing class I was taking at the time. Read them at a real live poetry reading, too. Hearing the audience hushed then burst into applause after some serious ones, then laugh in all the right places at a couple funny ones was a pretty good feeling of accomplishment. That was in 1995, though, and I haven't written any poetry since, believe it or not. I think it's the same old song and dance--I was working full time then, and even though I only had one kid (and she was 7), I did have a husband, too...so no time, no energy to devote to something that wasn't 'going anywhere.' I never saw any use in poetry, really, but now that I've "grown up" (hehe) I know it can be a powerful showcase of imagery and emotion at its most basic level. And that's all I really care about. I don't get into analyzing poetry for profund hidden meanings. My poetry has all been realistic, sticking to those concrete images my instructor bored into our heads back in 1995, not flying off into obscurity and images that make me question if it's just ME that doesn't get it. Probably why I don't READ a lot of poetry, either.
All that being said, there's an interesting woman offering a $500 grant to a "single mom poet" at http://www.poesygalore.blogspot.com. Note the interesting *ahem* play on words, but I promise it's not a porn site. LOL Anyway, I'd have to submit "10 poems and a paragraph of introduction" by August 1st. Wonder if I could do it, especially since last time I checked her updates she'd only received ONE entry. I've been entertaining the idea of actually writing 10 poems and giving it a shot. Then I went and read a few of her poems I found posted online and I'm not so sure...if she's looking for someone who writes like she does, I won't win. Here, go look, and tell me if it's just me or if these poems are...oddly disconnected. Or something. http://www.threecandles.org/poetry/elloyd.html Well? What did you think? I'm still scratching my head and wondering if I should attempt to enter at all...
Jul. 20th, 2005 @ 01:23 am
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| » My Fifth Child |
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I have a confession to make. I have a Fifth child that I don't give nearly the loving care and attention I lavish on my other four. Five feels like one too many sometimes. I gave birth to the Fifth in 1993, and I labored with this child as intensely, and often as painfully, as I did the others. I have also shamefully neglected the Fifth from the moment of conception, only sporadically meeting its needs ever since.
I would never think of starving any one of my other four children; yet this one has gone days, weeks, months, even years without being fed.
"May I have a crumb?" Fifth requests.
"No," I yell. "Then there won't be enough for anyone else!"
Fifth has shriveled a little each time from lack of proper nourishment.
When one of the four whimpers, screams, laughs, howls, sings, cries, or simply speaks up, I drop everything to listen and react. When Fifth ventures barely a whisper, I point to a corner.
"I don't have time for your nonsense," I shout. "They need me more than you do!"
Fifth cowers into the indicated corner and dutifully, unquestioningly obeys.
This child has caused me endless guilt, because I know that one nod from me means the world to Fifth. But I am afraid to see the effects of my neglect. Will Fifth still want to be with me, now that I've admitted its mistreatment? I am afraid that I've ignored it too deliberately for so long that I might find a shrunken shell of a child forever unable to fulfill even my lowest expectations.
There is only one way to find out for sure, and so I am writing again, finding with every word I put down that Fifth does, indeed, still eagerly long to be a nurtured part of me. Still a little weak and tentative right now, unsure I can be trusted after all this time...but my resolve is strong. It used to be easier to tell myself that mothering my four children that I can hug every day fulfilled my purpose in life, but I finally realize it doesn't have to be my only purpose. It's time to open my arms to the Fifth, with a permanent welcome into the family. I have learned that this Fifth child of mine will thrive with plenty of love and attention from me. I can be Mother and Writer.
Jul. 14th, 2005 @ 05:02 am
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| » Almost forgot--My Writerly Dream |
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I'm so excited about being nearly caught up (I hope someone will tell me if I'm missing anything!) that I almost forgot to talk about my writerly dream.
It's simple, really. I want to WRITE a lot, every day and make a comfortable living by selling much of it...non-fiction articles, short stories, novels, non-fiction books, everything. I have so much to say, and I've wasted so much time already. I want to earn a very, very comfortable lifestyle (no, I don't need to be J.K. Rowling rich) for myself and my kids with what I have to say on any number of topics. I want the self-belief in the value of my words that will lead to that end. That's all.
Jul. 13th, 2005 @ 03:53 am
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| » Finding my voice |
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It's been 11 years since she died (July 18, 1994) and still not a day goes by that I don't think about my Mom in some context. I was a BAD teenager, but after I matured a little, married and started a family of my own, Mom became my best friend again. We were even closer after I ended my first marriage (which she didn't approve of) and had begun my second (which she did, wholeheartedly approve.) We talked on the phone at least once every day, usually around 6:30 p.m. after I got home from work and she was starting the supper dishes. If I didn't call her, she called me. To say that losing her left a gap in my life is like saying the Grand Canyon is a little hole in the ground. The loss was was a shock, even though drawn out over 15 days doesn't make it exactly sudden; an innocuous illness turned deadly, we were assured up to the day before her death that she would come out of it. She didn't. Her organs began to fail; she went Code Blue once, and when they revived her the only thing she came back to was a permanent vegetative state. Her brain was dead. No one else wanted to take responsibility, not my dad, or my brother, or my aunt or uncle, but I knew she never wanted to "live" like that. I told them to pull the plugs and tubes and wires and let her go. *I* let her go.
So, what does this have to do with finding my voice, you ask. I have never been able to write with any real honesty about losing my Mom. If I do, I break down, and I must not break down. Right? Ironically, I've realized in going through this Bootcamp that the key to finding my "true voice" as a writer is to write about my mother and our relationship, good and bad, with truth and honest, letting the emotions come as they will. And about what happened at the end, the guilt. My failing her. Yes, rationally I know it "wasn't my fault." But when she told me in the E.R. that it was now "my turn," I thought she meant it was my turn to take care of a sick parent (as she'd done for her mother the last 10 years of her life.) I didn't know she meant it was my turn to bury my mother.
My life was unquestionably and irreparably altered by the loss of my mother in the prime of our relationship. She was only 53; I was 27. Too young to be motherless, when little did I know then I'd only just begun to be a mother myself. One grandchild she knew and who still remembers her lovingly, but three others who will never get to feel her love and devotion. But even more than that, I am not the person I would have been had she lived, were she still alive today. And that is the truth of my human experience. I must write about it to find my voice.
And so, I'm going to be brave (and you have no idea what intestinal fortitude this will take) and write my SCI Creative Writing class assignment as a 1,500-word fictionalized, encapsulated account of the last days of my Mom's life. Bring on the pain.
Jul. 13th, 2005 @ 12:22 am
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| » Routine? In THIS house? |
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Couldn't resist. hehe
Okay, my WRITING routine. I did know what was meant. My daytime routine goes something like this:
I finally get to turn the computer on around 3:00 p.m. after taking care of kids for hours before that. They go outside & play around 3 when their neighborhood playmates start trickling back home from daycare or are released from their in-house arrest (i.e. the parents make them stay ALONE, but inside until they get home from work, or wherever it is they go--with some, it's quite questionable. Anyway...) So, I turn on the computer while they go out and play and the baby naps (usually). At this point, my span of concentration is about three minutes maximum, because I have to keep a very close eye on my kids (my son is just past 2 1/2--our little cul de sac area is pretty enclosed & he goes out only with his sister, never alone, but *I* watch them like a hawk, also)...along with dispensing popsicles at least every hour to the entire neighborhood population under the age of twelve. So, I answer e-mails, scan writers' newsletters, post to lists I'm on, and sometimes blog a little before it's time to start something resembling a meal.
After everyone eats and the kids are bathed and my son is settled to bed (around 10 p.m.--remember? He's the only one who's NOT a night owl around here), I then clean up any mess from supper (can't concentrate if it's not done), then settle the baby (if she'll cooperate), and sit back down at the computer. Then, if I'm really ambitious, I'll shut down my e-mail and IM's. But usually I leave them on, and go open a document I'm working on or a new one I want to get started on. Somehow, even if I have the e-mail & IM potential distractions, just that document being up there on the task bar staring at me compels me to actually work on it. Lately, all my online friends have been checking out early, anyway, so it's not like I'm using them. But yes, this writing life IS a lonely business, so I leave them running just in case someone should pop on to give me some company as I work.
As it is now, my two littlest girls won't go to bed until I do, so I take them up to bed around 3 a.m. (yep, you read that right. Definitely NOT a conventional family, us.) when their daddy heads off to work (he doesn't live here, but visits with them, eats with them, then takes a nap before going to his second job at night). On good days (nights) when I've caught up on my sleep and have the energy (not lately) I'll come back downstairs by 3:30 or 4 a.m. and work some more in (mostly) uninterrupted peace. Those are the days I end up staying up until 6 or 7 a.m. Haven't had many of those lately. I miss the productivity, but not the sleep deprivation. I end up falling asleep around 3:30 or 4 with them these days.
ALL of the late-night rambling is going to change pretty quick, though. School starts back up again in a month (August 15th) and my middle night-owl girl, the 6 yo, is going into first grade and will start school at the insane (hehe) hour of 8:30 a.m. Last year was afternoon Kindergarten that didn't start till 1 p.m. 12:30 if she needed lunch there first. THAT we could handle. I'm hoping we adjust well to the new early morning schedule, though. Truth be known, I'm getting a little tired of being up all night. I'm starting to think I'd rather get UP at 6 a.m. than go to bed at that time. Did I really just admit that? Hmmm...guess so.
Well, now I'm off to settle my two littlest girls to bed and HOPE I can get back here for some productive time, instead of falling asleep as I relax them into slumberland...
Jul. 12th, 2005 @ 02:56 am
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| » Serendipity, or meeting writing goals without even trying |
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Which also means gaining new ones, of course, that mean actually WRITING. That's the serendipity. I actually have to FINISH the story I queried to True Confessions because I found out today that the editor I originally queried is leaving the magazine at the end of this week. The new editor is taking full manuscripts only, and I got some tips from the old editor about how to get her attention in the cover letter so my story doesn't languish on the pile for months. See what happens when you actually PLAN to work toward your goals?
Serendipity. No, it's not an acceptance yet, but it's a heckuva lot closer than I was, sitting here wondering about a query I'd sent for a story that wasn't even finished yet (that's how the old editor worked--if she liked your idea, you polished it up per her specifications and sent it in, likely resulting in acceptance.) Now I get to finish the story (easier, too, since I've read several issues of the mag since starting it), polish it up, and present it in a killer cover letter "as recommended" by the previous editor. Of course, being careful about that one, too, since I don't know the whole circumstances under which she's leaving. lol
Still, it's writing WORK. And I'm actively DOING it. And could very well get paid for it. Yipee for me!
Jul. 11th, 2005 @ 05:29 pm
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| » Goal setting |
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I'm not very good at this, either. I mean, I set goals. I even write them down, breaking them down into baby steps that are easily accomplished. In theory. My practice never seems to accomplish much, at least not in the organized fashion that was the original intent of setting the goal in the first place. Goals = organization, right? I guess I'm not very organized, then. But here, in the process of getting caught up in Bootcamp (hey--I set the goal to get caught up, and I AM accomplishing that....hmm...), I'm going to set the monthly goals and the weekly goals in bite-sized chunks to go along with it. I know I missed a week in there, but gonna go for the rest of July, at least.
Goals for the rest of July
***SCI Creative Writing Course - Submit Assignment 2B (1000-1500-word short story)
***Bootcamp - Blog every day OTHER than assignments (I'm catching up, remember)
***Bootcamp - Write flash piece using prompt word "dance" (already have my idea for this one!)
***Bootcamp - Find/make a blog entry to polish and submit as a reprint (better get busy--my blogs have all been assignments so far! Still coming from behind...)
***Non-Fiction - Submit a query to Style and Sense (new market-received guidelines from editor last week)
***Non-Fiction - Submit a query to ePregnancy magazine (query is drafted, needs refining)
***Fiction - Follow up on query made to True Confessions last month for "Separation Anxiety" story
***Fiction - Write at least 5,000 new words on my novel, Spirit of Deception
Given that I've had many of these things going for quite some time now and haven't finished them, I think by month's end is a reasonable deadline for all of them, with some focused goal tending (*phrase borrowed from another writer friend; you know him, Kai. I liked the suggestion of "tending" rather than attaining goals. lol) over the next few weeks.
Okay, on to the weeklies for this week.
***SCI Creative Writing Course - Come up with idea for short story assignment, begin drafting story
***Bootcamp - Blog for (at least) 10 minutes every day in Bootcamp blog, about writing topics other than assingments
***Bootcamp - Flash piece - draft story
***Bootcamp - End of week: Review week's "writing" (non-assignment) blogs for potential reprint value
***Non-Fiction - Read through Style and Sense guidelines and brainstorm ideas
***Non-Fiction - Review guidelines for ePregnancy magazine and revise/narrow focus of query accordingly
***Fiction - E-mail to editor about query sent to True Confessions on June 3rd
***Fiction - Write for ten minutes per day on Spirit of Deception
Now to print this out and tape it to the desk shelf in front of me...
Onward!
Jul. 11th, 2005 @ 03:04 am
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| » Scaling Obstacles |
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Well, with the obvious obstacles being family and associated household responsibilities (with no one to be co-responsible), I can't exactly demolish them, so I have to go over, under, or around them. One of the ways I do that is evident in the hour of the morning that I'm writing this (4:48 a.m., to be exact). After the kids are settled and the requisite household stuff is done for the "day." For example, tonight the baby only settled half an hour ago (screamed off & on with a tummy ache for hours before that), and then I had to clean out the litter box and get the last of the trash gathered & up to the curb for the trash truck coming in a few hours. I already have fairly low standards as far as the house goes: clutter is okay to a point; dirt is NOT. Afraid I can't lower those standards any further or we'll be overrun with bugs like the lady next door was just complaining to me earlier that her place is. Hmmm...wonder why....???? Anyway. Off on a tangent. But simply to illustrate that I really only do the minimum of household chores as it is, and I do those things while the kids are up and about, between feeding and caring for them. I hesitate to call the kids "obstacles," because they're why I'm here (like Dawn has mentioned.) I stay/try to work at home so I CAN be here for them...not to shuttle them off to daycare. If I wanted to keep doing that, I'd have kept my decent paying government job with good health benefits, or at least gotten another one. So, during the day, I belong to my kids and home, pretty much. I don't do rigid child schedules, either, i.e. my kids are not forced to bed at 7 p.m., tired or not, like some people I've heard of. Okay, no diatribes about parenting styles here. Suffice to say mine's not rigid, and I don't feel it needs to be.
So, what to do? Work around them, obviously. Figure out tasks that can easily bear interruption and do them while the kids are bopping back and forth, in and out, needing this and that. My son is the one who's most labor- and attention-intensive right now, at 2 1/2 AND being male. Once he goes to bed--he crashes earliest of all of us, probably because he's in high gear every second and hasn't napped for months now; then again, that could describe me, too LOL--I can add tasks that require a tad more concentration, then once the baby settles (unpredictable as that is right now), I can do things that require uninterrupted sit-down time. Seems workable to me. Let's take this a step further, rather than just generalize about what I "could" do...
Tasks that can easily bear frequent (added that) interruption:
Finding viable markets in the vast resources I've already mentioned that I have at my fingertips
Brainstorming ideas for those markets once I find them - how about a notebook listing the market & details of where I found it (e.g. WM online listing, WM print page #, etc. so I can easily go back to it for further research) at the top of a page, with space for idea brainstorming below
Novel planning tasks, like filling out character worksheets (yes, I do this) & GMC development
Following my earlier logic, I could later do more focused market research and idea development, then craft and send the actual queries when I have the quiet concentration time. Ditto with actually writing and/or revising the novel...I could try first doing some "get it down" writing, then go back when I have the quiet time to see what's working & not and go on from there.
And in figuring all that out, I see that another potential obstacle is my tendency to multi-task rather than focus exclusively on any one thing. But I think that's one I should work WITH, not around, in order to get things accomplished.
As far as the internal obstacle of not believing in the value of my words, I'll just have to keep affirming myself and find places to pay me to publish what I have to say, in order to prove the idiot wrong. ;-)
Jul. 8th, 2005 @ 04:44 am
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| » More esoteric obstacles |
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An addendum to my previous post about obstacles. I tend to highlight the major ones that anyone can see and push the more specific and abstract into the background. The biggie being I don't see the value in my own words. As in, I can't make myself truly believe that someone would value what I have to "say" (write) enough to pay me actual cash money for it. A self-esteem issue? I don't know. Maybe a function of my not-so-significant-other telling me for years about my writing dream that I just want to "rip people off" by writing books and that I just don't want to "work for a living." Yeah, that could do it. I don't listen to a word he says any more, on any topic, but it could be that he said it enough, and long enough ago, that I completely internalized it & subconsciously believe it to be true. That there is no REAL monetary value in what I write, and if I do get paid for something, I'm cheating someone by taking the money. Sounds bizarre, doesn't it? But it's a very real thought that goes through my head almost every time I think about writing for pay even though I've done it a couple times, on a very small scale, and actually BEEN paid. Not well, but paid. Probably didn't help all that much, because the amount was so paltry it only gives credence to the idea that my words aren't worth much.
Jul. 7th, 2005 @ 04:34 am
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