Men are absolutely stupid.

Finally!

I got the job! full time. I start on the 17th of March. Yayayay.

I am working at the moment temping for a company in the city. They're making me call like 200+ Australians everyday. Eeek. Kind of frustrating but I'm already halfway through the first list (apparently there is another, damn). But this job is only until Friday so at least I can keep thinking "only a couple of days" and not have to worry too much if I screw something up. Plus it's like $16.50 an hour. I need that money.

However, I need a new wardrobe. My "corporate" looking clothes are getting very tired. Urgh more money to be spent. :(

So I have two parties to attend to the next two weeks. Both themed. First one is Caroline's flat warming. Anything starting with the first letter of your first name (J) shouldn't be too hard, right? Anyone got any ideas though?

The second is Michelle and Jemma's b'day. Their theme is whatever you wanted to be when you grew up (when you were younger obvs). I've decided to go as a teacher. The only other two things I could think of were figure skater (so much for that - lived in Blenheim half my life) or a veternarian.

I'm getting the flu. It's typical to arrive the DAY I start work again. Grr. I'm going to be drugged up tomorrow, hope my nose isn't blocked. I'll sound ridiculous on the phone.

Blahh I better go. Gotta get up early for the Gym tomorrow.

LOL!

I know I made a fool of myself this morning. But I don't care. I don't care who saw or heard me. But that doesn't mean I can face anyone right now. I am so stressed and tired and I have way too much time on my hands to think about everything 'wrong' in my life... it is bringing me down. incredibly down.

I got less than 3 hours sleep last night. I don't want to get into reasons why. I thought the other day "you know what? it's not so bad here. I think I'll stick it out", well that changed yesterday. I was very very close to packing a bag and running away this morning. As stupid as it sounds, I would have done it in a heartbeat if I knew I had somewhere to go. But I didn't. I had nowhere to go. I went for a walk a little after 6am to watch the sunrise at Oriental Parade. It was quite nice, pity I was there on my own.. but I enjoyed watching all the people rowing and swimming and even those exercise groups on the sand. Haha. I wish I could find a place to live there, but it's so expensive.

I had another maybe 4 hours sleep when I came back. I decided I'd get out of bed, shower, and go get something to drink and eat before they all get up. Hibernating in my room won't solve anything, but for now.. I need to be alone, at least away from them.

I think I also might need to go to the doctors at some point when I can afford to go. I keep getting these sharp stabbing pains in my abdominal area.. it's almost near my chest though? maybe even in my digestive system? I don't know, it's hard to tell. It started a couple of nights ago, it's on and off throughout the day. I was trying to sleep when I got back from my walk and for about 4 or 5 minutes non-stop I had this really really bad pain in my stomach. Not cramps, not the stitch, way worse. I don't know how it happened but I lay on my stomach and kind of pressed my hand against it until it stopped. Shit it hurt. I contemplated calling someone cause I was too scared to move.

Anyway, I think I've been sidetracked a bit much from this.. I keep coming back now knowing what to say. I need more sleep. x(






 

this is the end....

I'm fucking doomed. Doomed to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life.







Please excuse my melodramatic behaviour.

I woke up this morning wondering if what happened last night was a dream. Who was that person?

I don't know if I'll ever really understand it. I think the hug said a lot. It was meaningful. You know, an actual embrace. I'm really glad he stopped by. Yeah, I feel a lot better. I'm glad I didn't act on any kind of impulse thought cause, I could have fucked it up big time. And trust me, there were times where I could have easily slipped back into 'old habits', but I didn't. And neither did he (OK, apart from a couple slip-ups which were damn close and definitely not 'just friends' behaviour). Either last night was it for good, or it's the beginning of a new friendship. Only time will tell.

This morning I am a little sore though. My back is playing up. I can't wait to get to the gym and work on this damn bad posture of mine. I'm gonna get Caroline to be my gym buddy. I'll just have to go at a time that suits her best, since she is working at the moment and I'm not. Butttt.. hopefully that will change next week? I have an interview on Wednesday. It's 5 hours though. Ugh. It's 5 hours because.. from what it sounds like, they're recruiting a whole bunch of new staff. So they're having group interviews/role play/separate interviews etc.. yuck. Oh well. I know they won't all be there for the same role I'm applying for. So it can't be too bad right? I'll do my best. My downfall will be the role play crap. I'm certainly no actress. It's taking me a while.. but I guess when you're heading into a different field of work than usual, there isn't much out there for you. Most of the time you have to be *experienced* in different types of areas.

I'm penniless for another 2 weeks. Well, I have enough to scrape on by but it's been a bit hard. There is no way I regret leaving my job though. I know I couldn't have gone back. I just feel like I kind of let people down and like maybe I should have at least tried to go back? I don't know. I just think with everything that was going on I wouldn't have been able to handle it. The people wanting to know why I was gone for so long, the pressure of having to tell them.. even that puts me off.

God I wish it would rain again. It has the last two days.. today it's kind of grey and there are clouds but the sun is out. Ick. I'm ready to buy more winter clothes and rug up. No more of this in between weather! Plus, listening to jazz and blues on days like yesterday = awesome. It was very relaxing.

Anyway! I need to make something to eat before I starve myself. Haha.. my appetite is still going strong. Just gotta watch myself!

Valentines is pretty much the only day of the year I hate to be reminded of how single I always am. Bleh. I don't need no man to satisfy me/make my life better. But sometimes it would be nice to have the company of someone else.. say.. oh whatevs, you know what I mean. I bet a lot of people will be making babies tonight and they won't even know it. Hahaha. I shouldn't joke about that huh. Ah well.

I finally got around to going to the gym today. Finally. After weeks of not being able to do anything.

I also finally sold these two NZ Stamp Collector books from the 90's my grandad gave me years ago. I had no use for them.. since when was I ever a stamp collector? Haha. My grandad gave me a shitload of books when I was younger. I have many Disney books and 'The Wind in the Willows' amongst others. :) I loved going to their house cause he always had new books for me. And of course, he would play the organ, harmonica and accordion. He's an amazing musician. He always said I should be playing piano cause of my long fingers. I never took piano lessons. But how old is too old? I feel so old now to be taking lessons in anything. It makes me wish that my parents pushed me into extra curricular activities when I was younger. I guess we weren't that wealthy back then.. but still. Sigh.

Speaking of that though. I'm going to get some roller-skates asap, and once I've practiced enough, I'll be joining the world of Roller Derby. Yep. I've decided it's time to gain strength and do something worthwhile/fun.. I feel so weak and lethargic and horrible and look at everyone around me all bouncy and healthy and fit. It makes me sick haha. I need to lose a bit of weight too.

Ugh. Well it appears I've run out of things to talk about now. I've been contemplating going and getting some wine but I don't think that's such a good idea. I don't want to send messages and tell people things that I'm going to regret. I'm already in trouble for doing it a zillion times before. :(

Happy V-day all. <3

I'm staying in Wellington.

Much to your disappointment, you're just going to have to get over it. As if I would let you ruin my time here.

Too bad I'm a reminder of such a shit-of-a-thing to have happened. But for fuck sakes, what am I going to do to you? kill you for it? no. Try hit on you? fuck off, I'm not that stupid (except when I'm drunk but you know to disregard everything I say). And for the last goddamn time I am not depressed about this and I do not want anything in particular from you! I just wanted to be acknowledged. Why are you being so weird?

Ignoring me on the street is pretty petty, don't you think? Come on, I was a foot away from you. I know you saw me.

Sigh.

Also, let's not forget when you said "It's not my fault" when I told you. I will never forget that. It was your fault, if only half. I thought "Wow, this guy is incredible.. is he actually solely blaming me for this?" what rubbish. I'm disappointed that you never really tried. You failed to show you cared, a text.. a text? are you serious? I get you have your life, but for a day out of your whole life you couldn't even try?. I was scared to death, yet I still understood you and said "It's OK" even when I knew it really sucked.

I'm so lucky to have great friends around me who actually gave a damn. I didn't even have to ask, they were just there.




Ugh. I find it almost impossible to have male friends these days. One thing goes wrong and you've blown it. You suddenly become more than friends for a night? no, that's it my friends. You can't turn back. Nothing will ever be the same with any of those boys. I've lost great friends due to stupidity/hooking up with them and I regret some of it. Haha, some of it. I'm not the worlds most sociable person and I can't just 'be friends' with anyone, so it's like when I lose one friend, I've lost 20. I wish I was someone famous/well known for a day just to know what it feels like to have a zillion people in your life and not care if you lost just one. People don't seem to understand this, why I find it hard to comprehend when I know I'm losing them. One day maybe I will be one of those people. I just hope I never become too self absorbed. Everyone is allowed to be selfish sometimes though. Especially on livejournal right? Hahaha.

Ack whatevs.

I'm going to go do something more productive than ranting on the el-jay...

Just comment or something.