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[Apr. 3rd, 2006|11:37 am] |
I am returning here to post on my life again, however have decided to make my journal friends only. I wanted to let this be an open account of my life and my thoughts but that was not to be. There are, unfortuantely, too many people who are too insecure, or malicious, who cannot tolerate honesty. So... by closing my journal to all but friends, I hope to be able post more freely. Please leave a comment if you wish to be added. |
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| In Each End There is a New Beginning |
[Oct. 5th, 2005|03:04 pm] |
For everything there is a beginning and an end. In some ways it seems like I started this journal a thousand years ago. So many things have happened since then. But the time has now come to end this journal. I have received word that my Persian Love has died and I know that it is time to put that part of my life behind me.
If anything positive has come out of the last three years of my life, it is because of Rose. She has been at my side through so much and was a constant source of strength and wisdom. She was one of the first people who walked into my new life after I stabilized on my medication. She was the first to accept me as I was and love me as I was rather than in spite of what I was. She took a very young and confused young man and helped him learn to love… to laugh… to live. If there is anything in me to love or cherish, it is Rose and what she gave me.
As I have gazed out at the world around me these last three years and I have found much that has disappointed. So many people who need to compromise so that they can find a way to get along side by side. So many of these same people can see only their way and no one else’s… so much self-righteousness, anger, and hate. Rose gave me hope; she seemed filled with so much calm, wisdom, and beauty. I think the world needed her a lot more than it will ever need the likes of me. I will always cling to the hope that there are more like her; that others will be able to fill her empty shoes.
I know that I too will have to go on as best I can and try to make a difference as well. I know this because she made me promise her. I often wish I had not promised her to be that strong, but it was always difficult to tell that Persian no. I don’t know where life will take me from here, but I know that it is time for this journal to come to an end. I am not the same person I was when I started it. I know that I don’t have the heart to continue it now. Did it serve a purpose? Did it serve the purpose that I intended it to serve? I really don’t know, but for a while it was a part of my life.
For now, I dedicate this journal to, My Persian Rose, and say good-bye to both my journal and my first and only true love.
Good Bye My Soft Sweet Love Flower
Rest in Peace
Know that you were… are… and always will be… deeply loved.
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[May. 5th, 2005|06:28 pm] |
Souls Immerged in Matter
...To feel you close,
Your flesh against mine;
To taste how you feel;
And to know you within.
The pleasure of your lips.
The caress of your hips.
To kiss your breasts;
Desire at its crest.
Slowly kissing your body;
Tasting your skin.
Your eyes scream with pleasure,
And moan what´s within.
To feel euphoria,
Kissing your inner thigh;
Feeling you tremble.
Taking you high.
Your eyes stare at mine,
A gaze so astute;
I give you a smile,
As I taste the fruit.
You let out a cry.
Overwhelming joy.
Time’s never-ending.
Time stands still.
...I reach up to you,
Our bodies become one...
Your legs wrapped around me.
Your arms held down.
Ecstasy, pleasure;
Pain is drowned.
Feeling of trance.
Our bodies immerged.
We both scream “GOD!”
As our souls explode...
AZ
I did not write this my love, but it describes my deep passion and my love for you.
Please don't die My Persian Flower, I need you... more than I can ever put into words.
I love you Zeinab my desert rose now and forever... |
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| The Act of Seduction |
[Apr. 8th, 2005|01:54 pm] |
I believe very strongly in the act of seduction. We live in a culture that sees seduction as a method of getting someone to do something that we want them to do, but that they will later regret. I find this an unfortunate point of view. For me, seduction is a very exciting, very wonderful part of life.
For me, seduction is a very slow, delicious sort of process in which two people meet and play together. Children have so many ways to play together, but as adults we are told that the time for play has past. I disagree strongly with this. Seduction can be the way for adults to play together; to let adults show their interest and desire for sharing experiences and love together. I am loved by a woman who flirts and seduces me and I am made happy as well as humbled by the strength of her love for me.
Seduction is not meant to be used as a method of coercion, it is meant to be used to sweep someone away. I think seduction is beautiful whether is seducing someone into sharing ice cream with you or seducing someone to make love with you. But then, I'm just a crazy, unreformed hippy at heart!! :)
Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover |
You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is. |
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[Apr. 2nd, 2005|06:41 pm] |
My entry concerning the death of Terri Schiavo was very angry. This was wrong. The comments below are mine and were made as a comment on someone elses lj. I want to post them here. I think they are a more fitting tibute to Terri.
Terri We Hardly Knew Ye
Her spirit is now free. I genuinely think that it was her time. No one knows what happens after death, but I cannot believe that the love we make in this world is ever lost. If that is the case then the world is truly richer for Terri crossing our paths. I only wish that others could understand this and live in peace with the legacy she has left us all. That we could all follow the example she set in life rather than finding so many reasons to be angry so many reasons to hate in the face of her tragedy.
I believe that tragedy tests our strength, our resolve, our love. In this most recent test I don't think we made a very good showing. I look into Terri's face in the photo above, in to her soft eyes and glowing face, and doubt that she would have been very happy with how we behaved. Why do so many find anger and hate so much easier than love, kindness, and tenderness. I think if we learn anything from this, it is that life and death are one, that we should live with love and joy in our hearts so that we will be ready to let go when our time comes.
Terri, we knew you far better in death than we ever did in life and that is the real tragedy. Your spirit has been set free and this is as it should be. You absence, however, will be sorely felt at a time when there is so much that we could learn from you. Where ever you may be now, peace be with you and may you share your gentle spirit with those around you. |
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[Apr. 1st, 2005|08:38 pm] |
Your Love Style is Agape |
You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love. |
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[Mar. 31st, 2005|01:57 pm] |
Well its finally over; Terri Schiavo has died. Finally, perhaps the people of this country can now move on. I have never seen such a shameful response as the hideous out-cry to keep this poor brain dead woman on her feeding tube. The process involved here that led to the removal of her feeding tube was scrutinized extremely closely. The courts made a fair decision but were brought under extreme pressure to reverse that decision. I am glad that this country's judiciary upheld the rule of law under such pressure. I wish I could say as much for our federal legislators, but they behaved in a shameful manner by attempting to circumvent the the legal process simply because the proper decision was one they disagreed with.
Well, its over now, and there is enough shame to go around for everyone!! The only redeeming factor is that this poor woman's spirit has finally been set free. The circle of life is complete. |
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[Mar. 22nd, 2005|09:09 pm] |
 | You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion.
Paganism | | 96% | Buddhism | | 75% | agnosticism | | 75% | Satanism | | 54% | atheism | | 42% | Islam | | 42% | Christianity | | 33% | Hinduism | | 33% | Judaism | | 0% | </td>
Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| What Season Are You |
[Mar. 6th, 2005|08:19 pm] |
uh... ok, I may be spring, but I still don't think my breasts are really that big.
 | You scored as Spring. You are SPRING. Ever optimistic, you readily greet each day with an open mind, and with gladness in your heart knowing that even should life share its dimness with you, the sun -will- come out.
Spring | | 80% | Fall | | 80% | Summer | | 70% | Winter | | 65% | </td>
What Season Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| She is Alive!!! |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|09:57 am] |
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My Rose is alive!! Last night I finally heard from her through IM; the relief I felt was so intense. I love this woman so much!! I need her as I have never needed anyone before in my life. Even now as sick as she is she does her best to make me laugh... to make me happy. My friend </b></a>![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) jrabbity is right, I must keep my spirits up for Rose, it's not right that she must care for me now.
I love my sweet lady more than life itself, a fact that she apparently knows all to well:
dimple_zg (6:08:55 PM): I love you ..
tmongoo (6:09:10 PM): hmmmm do I love you... let me think.......
tmongoo (6:09:48 PM): I love you with all my heart!!!!!!!
tmongoo (6:09:18 PM): were you worried???
dimple_zg (6:10:00 PM): no
tmongoo (6:10:30 PM): You are sooooo cute!!!
dimple_zg (6:11:00 PM): seriously ! I know that you love me..even if you say that you don't ..I won't believe you !
She right of course, I could never stop loving her and never will stop loving her. I know that her condition gets worse and I can't stop worrying about her. If I could trade my health for her illness I would do so gladly. I read somewhere that "love means someone else's life becomes far more precious to you than your own". If this is love then I love Rose more deeply than I can ever tell her. Her life, her happiness are all that I want from this life. |
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| Is This How It Is To End?? |
[Feb. 23rd, 2005|01:05 pm] |
I am more frightened right now then I think I have ever been in my life. I know that Rose was admitted to a hospital in Geneva Switzerland on Sunday night February 13. I know that she is not allowed to have her cell phone or her laptop with her there.
I have not heard from her since that night, and I find today that her cell phone number has been disconnected.
Is this how it is to end??
Am I never to know where on this earth she finally rests?
How many days do I count before I give up hope, before I give up my vigil?
The net is a cruel place. It brings people close geographically, but does nothing change their hearts. We were kept far apart by the hate and distrust of so many. Now it seems they may have won; we may have lost. Is this the world that medication made it possible for me to participate in? I have tried to understand, I have tried to reach out where I could. I am heart sick... I am sick deep within my soul... |
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[Feb. 12th, 2005|03:06 pm] |
I have not updated my journal in sometime. I find this online world one that can tear at the heart. I have had two friends now just vanished. The first was sayusayme who has not updated her journal in 25 weeks. The second was lunalovelight who, just about a week ago, took me off her friends list effectively locking me out of her journal. In both cases I sent email saying that I did not wish to intrude, but that if there was something that I had done to offend that I wanted to apologize. I did not receive an answer from either of them.
This forum is such a difficult way to interact with people. You meet someone, you grow fond of them and then, in an instant, they can be gone from your life without a trace. Lunalovelight for example is somewhere in Warsaw, Poland. I have email addresses for her, but I have emailed her and she has not answered. If she does not wish me to be a part of her life this is her choice and I must respect this and not intrude. It is still hard, though, after a year of reading her journal and talking with her about her entries she is gone. She leaves an empty place in my heart as any friend would, but I have never seen her face to face or heard her voice.
I think this is why I have fallen so deeply in love with my Rose. It was she who encouraged me to write and attempt to understand what had happened. She told me:
"I think you should talk to her and ask her what you
have done..contact her ..send her an email
...friendship and love are the most important things
in this world"
She is right in this of course and I am grateful for her wisdom and understanding. What can I say when it takes a dying woman to make me understand such things. She has so much that she must deal with in her life right now but she takes time out to love me and to teach me. I don't know why I was granted such a beautiful gift as her, but I will cherish her for as long as I am allowed to have her in my life. |
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| The Time Has Come to Make a Stand |
[Dec. 23rd, 2004|03:21 pm] |
Well, I have officially become an anti-war activist. I have seen and heard enough and feel that I must take all legal steps to oppose and reverse those policies of the current administration that do not support and respect the basic freedoms and dignity of all individuals regardless of creed, nationality or beliefs. I do not take this step lightly. I have not fully supported the “War on Terrorism” up until now, but I have not taken the step of active, legal opposition. My reasoning has been that there are some very dangerous fanatics out there who cannot live with the idea a country such as this or the basic freedoms for which it stands. As a result, I have not always agreed with the policies and actions implemented to oppose these fanatics but I have believed that while there was wrong on both sides something needed to be done.
Unfortunately I can no longer maintain this neutral stand. I have seen too many pictures and heard too many accounts of the battle for Fallujah as well as other battles. I have seen too many images and accounts of the torture and abuse of prisoners by those who represent the country of which I am a citizen. I have seen too many instances where basic liberties and human rights have been ignored in the name of security. I have seen the new nominee for Attorney General of the United States, the CHIEF law enforcement officer of this country; support the use of torture to extract information from prisoners!!
I am heart sick!! I believe in this country, but I genuinely believe that it is in danger of losing its way. I believe it is time to change the direction that we as a nation are headed and preserve those values for which we so boldly stand: the rights of the individual, the liberty to practice free speech and religion, and the belief that those rights apply not only to American citizens, but to all men and women!! If we lose sight of these values we will lose all, for we will lose that which distinguishes us from those who would destroy this country because of the values we hold so dear.
I emphasize here that I will oppose this war and its policies using all LEGAL actions available. I do not wish to tear down this country nor the ideas and values embodied in the constitution on which it was founded. It is my fervent desire to use those methods that are built into that document to legally oppose those policies and actions taken by my government in my name that I believe are immoral. It is my fervent desire to bring about a public debate on these issues with in the Unites States Congress and the court of public opinion and ultimately stop what I see as policies that are destructive and immoral. |
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| My Soul - A Newborn Soul |
[Dec. 6th, 2004|11:47 am] |
Well, given my history, this would make a lot of sense.
You Are a Newborn Soul |
You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.
On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.
You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.
Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.
Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.
You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.
You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.
Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul
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[Nov. 29th, 2004|05:11 pm] |
YOU ARE ETHER!
Well, well... you are the mysterious Fifth Element!
The Fifth Element, Ether, is used or conjured
in many ancient religions or magics, but is not
something found on this plane. Those that have
been able to make the ascension to the Ether
are truly evolved people, possessed with
heightened senses of intelligence, perception,
and empathy that others simply don't have.
Everyday possessions aren't of much interest -
you are beyond that. You tend to gravitate to
open spaces, changing environments, and won't
saddle yourself with one style or decision.
Indeed, just one type of career isn't of
interest to you either, as your need to
constantly continue evolving and growing won't
allow you to settle down. Sadly, this need may
also impact your social life as well. You tend
to have few friends as not many people
understand you, and fewer relationships because
you simply outgrow them.
Don't be discouraged by this, though. You are truly
one of the unique, for very few people have
been able to achieve this type of
enlightenment. Be proud and use your knowledge
and experiences to teach and help others as
much as you can. Good luck and congratulations!
Now that you have an idea of your strengths and
weaknesses, why don't you put them to the test?
If you follow my lead I can take you to a game
world where you can explore different sides of
yourself and taste real power. Just follow my
lead, enter a name...
Which of the 5 Prime Elements are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[Nov. 7th, 2004|02:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I think its kinda sad really that wanting equality for all labels one a bleading heart.
You Are a Liberal for Life |
You've got a bleeding heart - and you're proud of it.
For you, liberal means being compassionate, pro-government, and anti-business.
You believe in equality for every person, and you consider yourself universally empathetic.
Helping others is not just political for you ... it's very personal too.
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[Nov. 4th, 2004|05:31 pm] |
NO!! I will NOT say any more than this!!! ;-)
If there is someone on your friends list with whom you would love to have an epic, sweaty, damn near legendary, 12-hour fuckathon, post this same exact sentence in your journal. |
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[Oct. 22nd, 2004|02:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I will miss you My Persian Rose, but I will never leave you or forget you. Ask and I will come to your side… I want nothing more then to hold you in my arms… to feel you warm and soft against me. But physically close, or halfway around the world our spirits are shared. The currents that brought you to me have allowed us to be bonded forever… now let those same currents take you wherever you belong next. You will take my love and my spirit with you… wherever you are in your journey come to me whenever you are frightened or need to be held and I will comfort you… this I promise you.
If a picture paints a thousand words,
then why I can't paint you?
The words will never show the you I've some to know.
if a face could launce a thousand ships,
then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you, You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
you come and pour yourself on me.
If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tommorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you. And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
and you and I would simply fly away |
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[Oct. 19th, 2004|03:06 pm] |
I need to be strong for her, but it is soooo hard. I want nothing more than to go to her side and spend whatever remaining time there is with her. She will not allow it. She will not tell me where she is, she will not talk to me, she will not listen to the voicemail that I leave her because it makes her cry.
How do I best serve my Lady in her last days... I send her cards 2 or 3 times a day. Some times she picks them up. I send her email, but she has responded only once. I know that she loves me deeply, of that there is no doubt. But how do I show her my love and how do I determine what she needs from me most??
I am so scared and so empty inside. |
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