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Fall... The time of change
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Sep. 19th, 2006 @ 01:57 pm
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She hesitated. Deep down, she wanted nothing more than to run. Run far away from what was chasing her, hunting her down, demanding that she fulfill destiny and all that was required of her. But she no longer had that choice; destiny had kicked in her door and demanded everything of her. From her family to her freedom, this life was no longer hers.
Screaming into the night, she cursed them all. Cursed her past and her future, the fighting that was to take place. She hated fighting-it was a reminder of what she had been... What she had done so long ago. But now, it was fight or her family would die. Making fists so tight her knuckles went white, the witch focused. Her anger would fuel this spell. Her bloodline and inheritence would guarentee its success. Green eyes flashed and grew dark as the air around her grew thick with power. Just perhaps, if she did this one task, she would be able to take her family and run. They could hide and go back to what their life had been... Even now, her whole body trembled with fear that everything would fail and that the rest of the world would collapse around her.
"I call upon the Lady and the Lord. As I will it so mote it be, I cast this circle with the power of three. Mind, Body, and Soul I give freely; to be worked as I will it and as I see."
A basic circle cast. Using her own power and strength would be risky. If she called upon too much too soon, she would lose consciousness and the task would not be completed. It would all be for naught. Tears streamed down her cheeks even has she tried to calm her spirit. Whispering to herself, she thought of her children, her mate and her friends, "It has to be done."
And with that, she unleased the power.
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A little blurb. Nothing really special... Just more of the same self-possessed writing that I can not seem to get past. Lately, I have been having flashbacks and headaches. Aches of other kinds hit me when I least expect it... At work, showering, even just sitting and reading. I know what started it all. And I know what will finish it. *glares* Being a Leo definately has its faults. Especially a big ego and short temper... ESPECIALLY, when one ignorant crackhead is stepping to me in my own den. Bastard. I got some nice looking bruises from it. The lumps on my head are slowly going down.
I can't wait for karma to catch up to this guy.
Leave anger and vengeance out of this one; Karma has a score to settle.
*nods*
As it should be... *waves little banner* Go Karma!Current Mood:  uncomfortable Current Music: Offspring-The Kids Arent Alright |
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Prologue
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Aug. 31st, 2006 @ 04:48 am
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Wide brown eyes peered around the corner of the door covered in dust and cobwebs from disuse. From behind the girl came shuffling and another smaller girl appeared, her face marked with worry as she looked to her sister and back the way they had come from. Slowly the door was pressed open further, a sharp creak causing the younger to jump.
Noelle shook her head towards the door. “Come on.” Not waiting for the protests that were sure to follow she slipped through the door to scamper quickly up the dilapidated staircase. The young sister waited a minute still not sure about the wisdom of this adventure. She was sure in her mind they were going to get caught and be in trouble once again. Biting her lower lip tentatively, she looked down the small passageway that led to her parent’s room, the one they had snuck in to get to this point. They would be in plenty of trouble if they got caught, of that she was positive. Why did she always follow Noelle into these things? Glancing back the way her older sister had disappeared she found herself torn. Did she want to do what was right and leave her sister to get caught in trouble alone for once in her short life or do what she always did and follow after? She was torn between the right path and the path of sister loyalty, which was a right choice too. Wasn’t it?
“Jodie, you’ve got to see this!” an excited loud hiss came from the other side of the door.
Jodie wanted to say no, it hung dry on her tongue as her mouth opened. This was bad. Not to mention there were spiders up there, she was sure of it beyond a doubt. Hadn’t there been webs through the keyhole? Webs meant spiders. And if there were spiders who knew what else there could be. They were only the start of disgusting things that creeped in places like attics and basements.
She opened her mouth prepared to tell her sister once more that they shouldn’t be doing this even as she stepped backwards away from the door that she had watched her sister disappear into. Again Noelle hissed for her to hurry up, this time adding the insult of her being a worry-wart and a scaredy-cat. Jodie pursed her lips together tight. She was not! She just knew that every single time Noelle came up with some scheme both of them ended up in trouble. How many times had they gotten grounded? Jodie still remembered the time she allowed herself to be convinced to go to the lake that was far into the woods behind their house. They weren’t allowed to go without their parents or another adult. Noelle had said as she always said that they would never get caught. Of course they had, hadn’t they? They always did, but Noelle never learned. No matter how often Jodie told her, she ran off to do whatever her short desires demanded only to find it leading her into trouble.
She must have delayed too long in saying something because Noelle peered back around the door with a look of agitation on her young face. “You’re going to grow up to be old and pruney if you don’t stop being such a baby. How are we going to find a way anywhere if you stand looking at doors instead of going through them?”
“We’re going to get into trouble again!”
“Fine. Stay out here, but if I find the way up here, I’m not coming back to get you. Besides you’d just look at that door and whine there too.” Noelle stuck out her tongue and disappeared again to dart up the stairs back to the attic.
Jodie sighed in distress. Noelle always used that argument. She didn’t want to be left behind. She wanted to find the way to another world just like all of the stories in the books. She wanted to see dragons and unicorns. They had both decided that since you couldn’t find them here, there had to be a way to get into another world where they were, or how else would people know about them? Alice had gone down a rabbit hole, that hadn’t worked. Besides, they would need a white rabbit to show them the right rabbit hole. Not that is hadn’t stopped Noelle or her from watching constantly just in case one happened to show up. It also hadn’t stopped them from trying to find a rabbit hole on their own. That had been the whole reason why they had been at the lake. That and maybe there would be a lady in the lake who could tell them. Neither idea had worked out. Jodie was beginning to think this was going to fail too. Besides, what would they possibly find in the attic? Were there even stories about attics, besides ones that included monsters? She didn’t want to see something that would eat her.
Minutes passed by and Noelle hadn’t come back down to get her. Not that Jodie expected her too. Noelle was good for that. Once she said she was going to do something she would do it. She said she wasn’t going to come back and she wouldn’t. The sound of rummaging stopped suddenly, snapping Jodie out of her jumbled brooding thoughts. Just about holding her breath she stared at the door to the staircase whose paint was chipped and worn from time and neglect. “Noelle?” No answer came back. Scared now that Noelle had left her behind she paused only a moment before going through the door. Her pert nose crinkled at the musty smell of dust thick in the air. Below her small feet the steps creaked only a little under her weight. Under the weight of an adult rather than a child they might have broken, but like Noelle, Jodie was small of frame and for a girl of six smaller than others of her age.
Still she stepped carefully on each step, trying to move fast. Silently she pleaded for Noelle not to have left her behind. She didn’t want to be left alone with Martin, he was such a pest and only played video games. Reaching the top of the staircase Jodie found herself looking at a dimly lit room filled with boxes and random objects. There was an old wardrobe in the corner, maybe Noelle had tried going through that. It had worked in a book she had finished reading, or so she said. But it was still covered in dust and didn’t look touched. Her hazel eyes continued around the room over a chair covered in gray material that might have once been white. Lamps also covered. More boxes. Shelves filled with dusty trinkets she couldn’t identify and didn’t care to. No Noelle. Had she finally found the door? Had she left her behind, run off to a fantasy world of princes and fantasy creatures that could talk? Jodie’s lower lip quivered in desperate fear of abandonment. “Noelle?” she called once more in a pathetic tone.
She jumped when she heard a thud erupt from a dark back corner. Jodie had turned rapidly and was almost down the steps when she heard Noelle’s voice pipe up in usual exuberant cheer. “It’s about time! Hurry up! You’ve got to see this!”
Clutching at her beating heart that was threatening to break her small chest Jodie turned back around. “Where are you?”
“I’m back here. Hurry up slow poke.”
Now that she was already in the attic and on her way to trouble, Jodie didn’t hesitate. Walking around the boxes she made her way over to where Noelle was perched precariously over a large box, in fact she was mostly in it. A book that took up her entire lap sat there with her flipping through it.
“What did you find?” Jodie moved to stand behind her older sister, peering down at the pictures that she was looking at.
“I think they’re Grandma and Grandpa.” Noelle shrugged flipping another page. She stopped when she found one she liked. It was a black and white picture of a woman with a slender build. Dark hair cascaded down her back perfectly. The face was that of a fairy tale princess with an aristocratic nose and high cheekbones. There was strength in the dark eyes that stared endlessly out the window despite the delicate build of their owner. She was nothing short of breathtaking. Yet Noelle felt as if it were a sad picture. She didn’t know why, but the girl looked sad.
“Who do you think it is?”
Noelle pulled the picture out of the photo album before Jodie could even think of protesting, trying her best at being careful. She smiled triumphantly when she managed to pull it off the page without ripping it. On the back she read the date of 1959 and the name Celia. “It’s Grandma.”
“How old was she?”
“You’re the math genius. You figure it out.”
Jodie contorted her face into a sour scowl towards her sister. “I don’t know how old she is now or when she was born either, stupid.”
“Then how should I know how old she is in the picture, mangy brat.” Noelle asked returning the face her sister made with another of her own. Looking once more at the picture she decided it wasn’t going to be going back into the photo album. They would never notice it gone, hadn’t they left it up here to be forgotten? Shoving it in her pocket she flipped on to the next page. There were more pictures of the young woman Celia along with pictures of children. Undoubtedly they were of her mother, aunts, and uncles. Still her Grandma seemed sad in the pictures, in all of the pictures that she looked at. She didn’t say anything to Jodie, she wouldn’t see it. She never saw things like she did. If Jodie couldn’t put her hands on it she couldn’t understand it.
At last Noelle got tired of looking at the pictures and she closed the book. Placing it reverently back into the box she climbed out, not even bothering to dust herself off. Looking around the room she found her next target. Without a word she moved over to one of the once white drapes.
Jodie followed after without a word. She never could figure out what was going through Noelle’s mind. She acted so randomly when she got to exploring things. Who knew how many things they would end up having missed seeing? She would pick one box over another without any reason and go to the oddest things to do the strangest things. There was no order to it, of course there was no telling her that, she just snorted and continued to do whatever it was that she was doing. Watching as Noelle removed the drapes. Underneath was a mirror, nothing too exciting to Jodie.
Yet Noelle spent longer than expected in staring at it. So much that Jodie had to move closer to see what held her sister in place. The mirror was indeed strange. At first glance it was like any other mirror but the second revealed something quite different. The glass was dark on closer inspection, almost black. The frame that encased the mirror was like any other, nothing interesting about the steel that held it high. It was what the frame half covered that was the next oddity. Noelle had moved forward until her small hands touched the cool surface of the dark mirror. They slowly reached for the etchings that were half hidden, tracing over the swirling patterns. Even half hidden they were amazingly intricate. Never had she seen something designed in such a way. She wanted desperately to see all of it. Her young mind immediately went to work on ways to remove the frame, even if it seemed at the same time to be an impossibility.
“What are you two doing up here?”
In unison both Noelle and Jodie jumped and whirled around, stepping closer together away from the mirror as if to deny that they weren’t the ones that uncovered it to begin with. The elderly woman who stood before them was of average height with a plumpness brought on by time. There was only a ghost of the woman who had once been the sad woman in the pictures. Her hair was cropped short now and mostly gray, the color that was there wasn’t her own. Long ago she had taken to dying her hair a lighter color, which was now a dark blonde color. The eyes had remained with the same hidden wells of strength despite what time had done with her body. Her hands which were now calloused and wrinkled were on her hips as she stared down at the two girls.
The young mind of Noelle looked into those eyes and searched for that sadness that ghosted the young woman in the pictures. Maybe she had imagined it. She doubted it, but maybe. Right now there was nothing of sadness, just the look of someone who just might be into seeing that being grounded was in the future.
“Well?”
Neither knew what to say. Jodie was on the verge of telling their Grandma that it hadn’t been her idea when the elderly woman looked past them at the mirror. To Noelle it looked as if she had seen a ghost, but that hadn’t made any sense. Nothing scared her Grandmother. Or at least nothing that she had ever seen or heard of had done anything to make her even jump.
“What are you two doing playing with these things?” Celia asked, quickly composing herself from whatever had made her pause.
Before Jodie could even out her, Noelle stepped forward. “It’s my fault. Jodie didn’t even want to come up. I wanted to see what was up here. She tried to stop me, but I ignored her.”
Celia nodded. It was how it usually happened, Noelle running off and Jodie following after. Not that she could blame the curious children, it was the way all children were, and thank God for it. “Thank you for stepping up. Jodie, you may go to your room now. I will talk with you once I talk to Noelle.”
Relief was evident in Jodie’s eyes as she stepped away from Noelle towards the door of her freedom. Quickly she looked back at her sister apologetically before rushing out of the attic before her Grandmother got the chance to change her mind and make her stay. Chances were for once Noelle wouldn’t get punished. Grandma would talk to her, but there would be no grounding. She did feel sorry for Noelle, but maybe for once she would learn not to go where she wasn’t supposed to.
Once Jodie had left, Celia sat herself down regally on one of the dusty boxes and looked at the child that stood fidgeting in front of her. Of all her Grandchildren, Noelle had a special place in her heart. She loved all of them dearly, but it was in Noelle that she saw something of herself. Sometimes it scared her, other times it warmed her heart. Right now it scared her more than anything else.
“Come here.” She ordered gently, indicating that the young girl move forward. The order was quickly complied with. “Noelle, lately you’ve become a terror.” The child blanched at that. “Just last week you were trying to ride out at night. You’ve gone into the woods without permission. You nearly broke every bone in your body trying to jump from the trees a week before that. What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” Noelle lied, something she could tell her Grandma didn’t believe for a minute. After a moment of silence and her Grandma’s stubborn look she caved in. “I want to find another world.”
This was an answer Celia hadn’t quite expected. “Another world?”
The question was like opening a can of worms. Suddenly Noelle’s sandy eyes lit up with excitement. Her voice spiked high as she rambled out quickly, “Yes! Like the stories. It’s gotta be possible. For so many stories there has to be something more. Where else would dragons have come from? Or unicorns? What about magic and witches? There are all kinds of stories. I’ve checked out books on all kinds of tales.”
“Noelle, you know they’re only imaginary.”
Noelle quickly shook her head, refusing to give up her childhood dreams so easily. “They have to come from somewhere. Fairies and everything! Or else everyone is imagining the same thing. Everyone is born believing. Mom said she used to. I’m going to find it before I stop believing.” The last she stated with so much stubbornness and desperation that Celia felt sorry for her. How many children had to grow up and lost that part of themselves? The belief of the impossible? She wanted to wrap her arms around the child and hold her, to hold the one who would eventually have to grow up and face a world that was nothing like the one she dreamed of.
Gently Celia pulled her granddaughter into her arms, holding the girl lovingly. “Child, is this world so bad that you want to leave it?”
There was a level of hurt in the girl’s eyes at the fact her Grandma couldn’t understand. How could she possibly explain to her that this was something she felt she had to do before she no longer believed it was possible? That if she didn’t do it she would miss something greater than anything else possible? She knew that she should be playing with dolls and just enjoying being able to pretend there were other worlds, but though she was so young, she felt as if something else were driving her. This was something she had to do and even if she was still a child this was the only time she had.
“You have people who love you here.” Stroking the soft ginger hair that was left wild and untamed in waves down the girl’s back, Celia spoke in a soft whisper. “I’m here, your parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and your brother and sister. Would you leave all of that behind?”
Guilt crept up on Noelle and she shook her head though her heart felt so heavy it made her feel like crying. She didn’t even try to explain herself now. Her soul was still clinging on to the desperate dream to find more while her heart was torn.
Still Celia spoke, working through each tangle in the long hair that she reached. “I would miss you terribly if you left me. I think your parents would too. And what about your friends? Wouldn’t they miss you too?”
Noelle nodded sadly, staring at her sneaker clad feet. How could she make her Grandma understand? Then other thoughts drifted, making her feel guilty for wanting to chase after a dream that would leave everyone behind.
“You do understand, don’t you?” She dropped a gentle kiss on the top of the young girl’s head. “Promise me, Noelle that you’ll try to stay out of trouble and you won’t go running off after a fantasy world while you have people who love you here.”
She didn’t want to make the promise, but she couldn’t think of a reason not to. So Noelle nodded even as she desperately tried to cross her toes or something so she could continue in secret. Her Grandma held her in a tight hug and kissed her once more. Noelle forced a smile when she stepped away.
“Now let’s put this back where it belongs.” Picking the white drape from the ground, Celia placed it back over the dark glass mirror.
“Gran’ma, how come that mirror is so dark? And what are the pictures on the side of it?”
“It’s an old mirror, I’ve had it since I moved here. It’s the way mirrors used to be made.”
It was an explanation that Noelle just nodded to. If her Grandma said it was so then that was the end of it. Taking her Grandma’s hand they left the attic.
Current Mood:  weird Current Music: "Don't Want No Minute Man" |
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So Long
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May. 28th, 2006 @ 10:56 am
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It's been so long since I've last written in here. Not as long as it has been for Manda, but long enough. I suppose I could go ahead and update on how things are. In regards to work, things are as they usually are. I'm slowly going insane here. Sometimes I'm pretty sure of that literally. I think they ought to be putting me on medication some days. I've become imbalanced.
Personal life is swell. There are problems of course. Will and I haven't had much time together lately but we're still together and doing well. We have a puppy named Toby (short for Tobias) now. He is so adorable, I absolutely love him, he's my baby. Of course Toby and Will took a little longer to bond, but he's my baby so it's okay. Though Will still grumbles jokingly about the puppy nearly breaking his ankle. It's what he gets for not looking where he's stepping.
Nothing else is really going on. I haven't been able to do much in the way of art. Then writing has slowed down again. I'll get back to it. Maybe before I turn 60 I'll finish it at this rate. Who knows.
I'm in NY for fleet week right now, fun stuff. I cried at going to Ground Zero. They let us past the gates to look at the memorial and such. Strong stuff there. Then I nearly choked an activist conspiracy theorist. Standing out there with boards and stuff claiming the government did this, that it was explosives. They had so called evidance and I just stared at it and couldn't believe someone would actually even cook this up and then sit right on the site and disrespect like that. Not to mention I was offended that I was in whites and they were handing it to me. Obviously I'm military and am likely to be offended. His right to be stupid is protected by men and women. He doesn't like the government or the military he ought to find a different country. Get in a boat and sail away. There are plenty of people trying to get in that want to be in that stupid people like that need to get out and give those people some room. Would it be so wrong of me to stuff their poster down their throats or beat them with it???
Their facts were watery at best. They wanted to know why it sounded like multiple explosions. A PLANE JUST FLEW INTO A BUILDING! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Then they talked about the government planting people to look like Bin Laden to 'create' a target. Oh lord....how dumb will people get? Then again I suppose I seem like an idiot to them. Ah well. People will be people, it just frustrates me at times.
Liberal pussies. Disarm the military. Don't discipline your kids. THEY ARE THE DOWNFALL TO THE WORLD! Weepy sissy whiners the lot of them. I know I like to whine and I'm not hard as nails,...but damn....give me a break...tell them to grow some balls or something...
I'm rambling now on my soap box. Time for me to go and catch up on my internet comix....Current Mood:  frustrated Current Music: 'You'll Never Find another Love like Me' |
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Risen from the dead...
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Mar. 8th, 2006 @ 06:32 pm
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For the past two weeks, I have been sick and tired. Though not neccessarily in that order. Life has been busy and crazy and full of weirdness.
First off, we had our first real catering job on Febuary 25th and it was nuts!!! I baked 125 potatoes, was almost late to the actual dinner and only like a 1/3 of the potatoes got used! *grumbles* I burnt myself... But the dinner went over well. We had too much food left over because we were contracted to do 125 people and only like 85-90 people showed up. People kept asking us for cards and our fax number so we went out and got stuff to do both. And now we got to fax stuff and pass out business cards. >_< Craziness.
Next, the kids caught some bug from my Mom when they got stuck at her house cuz the car broke down...again. We are trying to get the van fixed and jordan's car fixed. We have the engine for my car but we need to get the car towed to the mechanic's house. Probably do that on tuesday. *sighs* Always something...
Lets see what else? Random feelings of emptiness. I took a break from rewriting Grimms Fairy Tales. I will start that up again. Jeremy had his birthday.. He is 27 now. *shrugs* Visited one of the school's we want to send Aidan to and found up they have preschool as well. *sweet* Both kids in classes would be like a dream and they would be learning so much!
Tanya and I are doing okay. We talk when we can because we are both very busy. I am going to try and get out there before the baby is born. Oh, and I still want a laptop. I think that is everything.Current Mood: sick Current Music: none |
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My poor head
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Mar. 3rd, 2006 @ 05:02 pm
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So many story ideas and so many pieces of art to finish. I just don't know where to put my attention. I have tattoos to finish and I just got requested for two other commissions. One is for a design to be put on my car that is actually a money commission and not just a friend commission and then there is another for a photography studio. Oh the things I have left to do!!!
I still have my book to finish writing. I've been working out more of the history of the world that will slowly make the story more detailed in certain areas. I've also decided if I ever finish the trilogy then I'll have to do a set on history, the history of the sisters. Then I've also wanted to take up the story I started writing awhile back. With my characters Isabelle, Sebastian, Monique, Chase, Genevieve, etc. Michelle actually read it when it was just a thing to pass my time. It had possibilities. I even had an ending for it. Still do. I just can't find half of it. I also had an idea for another little thing, an oriental story I wanted to turn into a comic. It was really pretty. I took pieces of other stories to make it. It's about a fox who falls in love with a human male. She turns herself into a human for him and enchants him. There is no real evil character in this. It's a little sad as there is also a human girl who is in love with the guy. I had even started doing concept drawings and then stopped myself since I have so much other work that needs to get done.
I even had to stop myself a couple days ago from working on another piece, a D&D character I simply call Nameless the WuJen. It's actually a pretty nifty picture, or it was until I stopped myself. I need to learn a little more discipline in my art. I just wish I had more time for my art. And for my writing for that matter. Yet, I am still in the Navy, because I had been too much of a chicken to face the real world.
On another note, things are going great elsewhere. Will comes back in a week! I'm so excited. I feel like a dog waiting by the window for the master to come home. Not that I view Will as my master or anything, just the imagery. I have so many plans. I've also been spending time planning for the masquerade. I have my outfit chosen and now I'm waiting for my accessories to arrive in the mail. What he doesn't know is one reason why I'm so excited. I'm working up the guts to tell him that I love him. This isn't a little thing for me. I've never told anyone I love them, at least no one I've been romantically involved with. No one has really stuck around. I couldn't imagine spending so long with anyone. With Will I can imagine what Christmas will be like years to come. I can't imagine being with anyone else. It's like a warm spot in bed, you're nice and warm and you don't want to move from it because you know if you do you'll freeze and never find that warm spot again. That's where I am. I wonder if that's even understandable. Either way that is how I feel.
Sadly enough while he's been gone I've taken over his side of the bed. Which reminds me, I need to wash the sheets (no minds in the gutter). I've also been wearing his jacket. And before anyone can accuse me of being weird, he carries a hankercheif sprayed with my body spray with him while he's underway, and he sleeps with it. So there, if I'm weird at least I'm with someone who is as weird as me.
OH! Another thing. I was thinking of making jewelry, more as a crafty thing to do when I don't feel up to drawing or writing. Michelle's necklace came out reletively nice. I had another idea though. Not only doing crystals but getting poly resin and using actual flowers for center pieces on necklaces that I make. It would make them more original and would be quite pretty. And not huge flowers, but things like tea roses and mini carnations, and other small flowers. Maybe if I do enough of them I can have Michelle talk to the owner of Bell, Book, and Candle and sell a couple of them. Just for fun.
Well, they jsut announced flooding, must go....fun fun fun....
Edit: I've decided to see about psoting art in here. Yes I've provided a link deviantart, but I rarely get people's opinions on my stuff. At least here I can guarentee Manda and Michelle will at least look at enjoy.
The picture is of Jinx from Hive 5. I doodled her out while watching Teen Titans last night. I have decided I like her as a character. Not to mention it was kind of cute the little thing with Kid Flash. I'm a sucker for villain-hero love stuff.
This is Jynx (Hmm, Jinx/Jynx....just noticed that....ah well), a halfling rogue I may one day play. Don't ask why I was chose pigtails. I think they're cute!
Current Mood:  awake Current Music: Silence |
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Oh the things to update here! I've been on leave for the past two weeks, more because work was driving me literally insane so I needed time away from the ship. They actually made me fight for my leave, it annoyed and frustrated me. It's not their business why I want to take leave, nor should they discourage me from taking that leave. That is neither here nor there, and I got my leave. Though next time they questions the reason why I want 15 days away, I'm going to tell them I wanted 15 days of unadultered, uninterrupted sex without the intermission of something as tedious as work, as well as not having to see their faces to interrupt my unending sexual bliss. Not something they are going to want to hear, but really, it's none of their business, so long as I'm not doing anything illegal, they ought to be minding their own business. Of course I could always tell them I'm working on getting pregnant to get off this ship, because any other ship would be better than this group of backstabbing opportunistic ITs. And this is all the fault of mindless, idealogical Liberals who have no militiary concept. They dibilitate the military to the point of ruin! They say we're overstuffed and overmanned and overpaid. Obviously they weren't in the military, or if they were they weren't paying attention. Minimal manning my ass. They kick the people that want to stay out of the military and recruit snot nosed brats who don't understand a goddamn thing. They train them and then get rid of them, there is no incentive to work. None. Absolutely none. The camraderie that the military had is now being phazed out for something newer and fresher, something more 'acceptable'. The warrior spirit is dying. Liberal pussies who want to dissiminate the military and soften the government are the reason. Suck it up assholes, you're the reason the world sucks. You don't want kids to be given Fs in school, heaven forbid a red mark is put on a piece of paper. They don't want kids to be hit, I said hit not abused. It's perfectly fine for a kid to get swatted on the rear. Sometimes it's the only way a kid is going to learn. Pain is an awefully good motivater. And it doesn't lead to abuse unless there is no self control. My mom could dole out a good spanking and I feared it and therefore avoided activities that would require her to discipline me.
Ugh, I'm a little frustrated it seems with that. I hadn't even intended to go down that path in this journal entry. So I'm stopping it there as it's coming out a garbled mess in a half formed rant. The real reason for this entry is to update my comings and goings. I've moved in with Will and Erik, though my parents don't fully agree. They think the situation is reminicent of Michelle, Jeremy,a nd Jordan. The difference though is I'm dating Will and sharing his bed, sex not included at the moment. Erik is a friend of ours and is just that. Anyone who has seen the three of us together would see it, guess in words it's not as clear. And for all those confused people, yes, I did state Will and I are sharing a bed without sex being involved. Actually that's been remedied, I've decided I'm ready. My mom got me to say why. And once I stated why, she has decided not to argue so much with my living with him. Yes, I'm in love with him. No, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I'm comfortable and I can't think of a time that he isn't around. For a time something that worried me was that I couldn't imagine him leaving my life without tragedy. It made me wonder if this was going to end in death. Yes I know it's morbid, but it was a fear nonetheless. I've decided to keep him for however long he decides to stay, in his own words that means he's never leaving. It's nice to know someone is always going to be there. And he also believes in me. And the thing that convinced me the most was how much I trust him.
We argued the other day about some of my habits. Anyone who has gone out to the clubs with me knows just how I get out there. There are no real rules on the dance floor. Bumping and grinding and just being free with the music. It bothers him. I explained the fact that it's just dancing and I'm not going home with the guys. I intend to come home to him. Yet because it bothers him I had decided not to do it. The fact he accepts my religious views and doesn't preach to me, means a lot, and therefore not dancing with other guys in my usual fashion is a little thing. While I'm stubborn about the ring I wear and my religious views, I am willing to change on smaller things. Picking your battles, sort of thing, compromise other ways.
Sigh. Can't wait for Amanda to meet him. Can't wait for Michelle to come down and visit the apartment. I'm hoping by then I've gotten the dog. It's my goal. It's expensive, but I want it bad enough I'll get it in time. I'm stubborn like that with things I want.
On the art thing, I've done some nice pieces.
http://radiantbliss.deviantart.com/
That's where I keep all of my art for those that don't know. Being on leave has given me time to work on different things, though it seems no matter how much art I put up, very few people notice it. Maybe I'm nothing special and my whole life will be spent in meaningless jobs where I spend my free time doing doodles that no one ever notices. It's an aweful depressing thought. Though it did occure to me that it would be a lot of fun doing character drawings and concepts for games. Such as the art in the little guidebooks they have. That would be fun. I could do it and I'd enjoy it. In fact I told my brother if he goes into the game industry and releases his game I get to do the character art. Yup yup yup. I don't think he was listening though. Ah well....I'll update more....maybe if I can remember to do it.....I don't want to go back to work tomorrow!!!
Feb. 8th, 2006 @ 12:28 pm
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| » A new kind of Sleeping Beauty... |
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He had been a model, a superstar on the runway. A pretty face in the magazines. But when the cameras were off and the lights were dimmed...he was just another person trying to keep himself sane in the world. And like the best of them, he had gone about it all the wrong way.
First it was just a glass of wine here and there. Then slowly he worked himself up to liquors; finally, he no longer cared what liquid had gone into his body so long as it numbed him from the criticism that came each and every night. Every time he showed his face outside his home.
Too thin. Too fat. Too dark. Too tall. Too quiet. Too calm.
When the fuck would it ever end?
But he had been warned. Told by other models and agents that the press loved nothing more than to make a fool out of a king. And he certainly was a king. They compared him to Michaelango's David... Told him that he was a male Pygmalion in a modern world. And he had soaked it all up. Though, like many others...soon the sweet scent of alcohol did nothing for him. The numbness that had always been a warm blanket grew cold and heartless. Bottles upon bottles no longer did it for him; created that hazy illusion of safety and security.
Finally he took the next step.
It was just one pill. One pill to help him sleep. One pill to relax him before his next job. Next thing he knew...it was three or four pills. He needed something to calm him before the runway and the cameras. The model needed something to make him smile before all those snide and stuck up reporters. Suddenly his sparkle and shine was back. Everyone loved him... Newbies and teenage boys wanted to be in his position; he was hanging off the arm of a beautiful female model every other week.
And still he wanted more.
Suddenly, three and four pills were not enough. The little red and blue caps became blended and blurred in his eyes. Purple was the prized color; handfuls of pills went down his throat as he laughed gleefully at himself. His eyes no longer sparkled but had a dangerous sheen to them. His hands shook but he kept them tucked behind his back. His muscles twitched but what his pills could not fix a good night in bed with anyone could...male or female.
Finally, his big night came. He was up for an award. Too anxious and nervous to even make the red carpet, the model did it. He took the whole bottle. Other models called it the gateway to heaven. Such a haze and a daze of feelings and emotions that was different for each person. His was a most wondrous journey.
Little animals came up and spoke to him. Everything was warm and fuzzy feeling. Clouds sung and birds gossiped but the most amazing thing was that no one could understand him. His language was pure and true; a language not heard by many for eons.
Though everyone else called it babbling.
And when they called his name and he walked to the stage; it was the most magnificent...most wonderful experience in his lifetime. Twenty-five years old and to be winning such an award! But then...what a sad and strange fate....
He could not understand anyone when he got up to the stage. Everyone and everything began to spin slowly out of control. He felt nauseous...sick from his head down to his toes. His legs gave out underneath of him even as his arms flew out to try and grasp the podium. Instead of trying to help him, they only laughed. Laughed at his folly and his fate. On live television, no one cared whether he lived or died.
She shook him gently even as she checked the IVs in his arm. Her smile was like that of an angel's; her hair was a golden halo around her. The nurse was dressed in a basic white uniform even though his eyes believed it to be a gown of pure light. Laughing softly, she wiped the sweat away from his brow.
"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. Your dream should be ending by now."
Indeed, the drugs were out of his system. He knew because not in his wildest hallucinations had he ever seen someone as beauteous as her. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he knew that he would never be in front of the camera again. Nodding slowly, he swallowed even as she leaned down to kiss him.
"Good," she whispered softly. "Because I want to make sure that you come home to my castle."
Soft and pliable lips kissed his dry and parched mouth even as the sun began to set. The night would be for sleeping and clearing out the past even as the next sunrise would be for a new beginning. His new beginning.
The End.
((I know...I know. Supoose to be for journal entries and what not. But I really want Amanda and Nicole to read this story and tell me what they think. It is slowly becoming a personal favorite of mine. I cant wait until I finish writing Cinderella. Note: I shouldnt have to say this...but this story and any future stories or poetry are copyrighted to me. Get the idea?))
Feb. 6th, 2006 @ 01:35 am
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| » Another Day |
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It's been quite an interesting time lately. I've been in Texas, enjoying the commissioning of the ship. Actually it's been relatively boring. I miss Will and currently I'm fighting with Craig. The thing with Craig is something so stupid. He's mad that I was brooding about my looks. I was brooding, but it was more because he said something I'm tired of hearing. Yes, I asked for an honest answer, and I got it. I'm average in looks. I rank a 7 on a 1-10 scale if you count personality. If he hadn't said 'Overall' after saying 7, I would have left it at that. My ego can accept a 7. There is nothing wrong with a 7. I'm realistic. I know I'm no 8 or 9. And at the time I was in baggy clothes so I wouldn't warrant an 8. But I had to ask what overall was. I didn't want to be judged on my personality. The girls he was checking out weren't being judged by their personality. So I found out that apparently I'm 'maybe a 6'. That hurt a little to the ego but he had to add in the 'you have a nice body but you would be higher ranked if it weren't for your face'. Now, my complexion is my Achilles heel. So many people talk about it, so much so that it leaves me wanting to walk around with a bag on my head, even though I know damn well my face isn't that bad. It's been worse. But it was like a sucker punch to me and I brooded. I couldn't help it damnit.
I went to sleep brooding about it, but I woke up fine and dandy. I even joked about it later. Then he couldn't take the joke. We starting yelling at each other. Him out of anger and me simply so I could be heard over his yelling. I'm still not angry or mad at him, just hurt and offended. What right does he have to be mad? I'm not, I awknowledged the fact that I walked into it. I asked for an honest opinion. He gave it to me. I got over it. Why did he have to rehash it and get angry over it?
So he and I are not on speaking terms right now. Ah well. He'll get over it eventually. This is his problem now. Not mine. Will thinks I'm off the scale and the most beautiful creature ever graced on this earth. I enjoy that. I take comfort in him. I can curl up with him and feel like a goddess. What more can a girl want?
Well, that aside, Commissioning was boring. Glad we'll be getting underway again soon. I'll be back in Norfolk in no time. Then I'll be close to my family and friends again, and of course Will. Though Monday I'll be doing some horseback riding. That I really look forward to. I have to take pictures and share them with everyone (if any are worth sharing that is).
Jan. 15th, 2006 @ 06:19 am
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| » A dream...one about my past... |
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I have lived many places, seen many things, experienced many things, met many people and etc. Basically, I have done a lot of stuff in my life. Somethings I am not proud of at all...some of them that make me strut and gleam like the Leo I am. This morning, I had a dream. An early morning dream, unusual in itself because most of my dreaming is done at night.
That and I have been forcefully making myself forget my dreams. (Yes, Nicole. I know, bad Michelle.) There has always been an excuse or reason behind this. But today I was a little shook up. And by the way, Mika was sleeping in bed with me.
First part of the dream dealt with my mother's family, whom I consider myself close to, and my mother and myself. I was in my home and my mother was here with me. She would look anxiously out the window and check her watch. I knew she was waiting for someone but she would not tell me who and I could not guess. She didn't even speak to me, she would just shake her head. So I walked outside and began to walk down the street. As I walked down the street, I kept getting younger. By the time I reached the end of the road, I was a child of around eight... The same age I was when we lived with my grandparents for a while. And they were in the truck that my grandfather owned. My whole family before we went to Germany. My grandfather and mother, my two uncles, my aunt and my cousin.
You have to understand. My grandfaher meant and still means a lot to me. I never got a chance to say goodbye to him. Or tell him one final time that I loved him and he was the second most important man in my life.
Anyways, I got very excited and ran back to my house. When I ran up the street I got older and when I went inside, I was my proper age. My mom still looked upset and was looking out the window. I tried to tell her that everyone was at the end of the street but I couldn't talk. Even when I gestured at the door and stuff, she still ignored me. Frustrated, I walked out the door.
And that is when everything went to the second part of the dream.
I was in my house in Kansas. The one that we lived in at Fort Riley. But I was my proper age. Mika was older and so was Aidan. Again, my mom was in the dream. Mika was excited because it was her first day of school. Aidan was already at school, he was in middle school and had left earlier. Anyways, I was about to leave the house with Mika when my mom approached me and told me that I had forgotten. I searched myself for my keys, my wallet, made sure Mika had all of her stuff. I told my mom I had everything and started to leave again. Again my mom stopped me and told me I had forgotten something. I was begining to get upset because Mika was going to be late to school. I thought she meant I forgot to say goodbye and I love you. So I said all of that and gave her a hug. Mika did the same and waved goodbye. So the third time I tried to leave, my mom just shook her head and let us go out the door. "You still forgot something. And when you remember, you will be very upset."
I was very confused but Mika and I left. We were walking the couple of blocks to the school. I still remember the path. Go a few blocks, walk past the military hotel and playground. Walk a few more blocks and get to Thomas Jefferson Elementry School. I felt like we were being followed. I could hear the footprints and hear murmuring behind the two of us. Mika didn't look worried. In fact, she looked quite happy with herself. I was very confused but we kept walking towards the school. Suddenly, someone grabbed me from behind and turned me around. Before I could see or hear anything, I woke up.
Confusing huh? Everyone who knows me knows that I am running from my past right now. But why my mother's family? Why Kansas? Besides the fact that that is where all my issues began. I went from being popular and happy to being a miserable loser. What choice did I have? How can you do that to someone who is only seven years old?
But that is talking too much about my past again.
Jan. 3rd, 2006 @ 12:27 am
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| » Do you know what happens? |
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Do you know what happens when you can't handle anything anymore?
Your mind spins out of control. Your emotions slip away from you like grains of sand in the wind and your body goes numb...not icy numb...but a sleepy numb. One that feels like you will never wake up again.
Yupt. Losing control can sometimes be the most releasing experience in the entire world. Or it can make you want to go screaming from all that you hold near and deat and pray to the gods that you never return. It is wanting to walk out the door and not look back; not even to check and see if someone is chasing you down.
I hurt so badly inside right now and I have no idea why. I can not understand this pit of despair and hopelessness that I have fallen into...only that I am not sure how I will be able to pull myself out of this one. I have not felt so despondant or hurt since high school. Strangly, some part of me feels betrayed. Like I have been stabbed in the back and then mocked as I die.
I feel like I am dying inside. Like an important part of me has gone sour in the sun and then been squished into the ground.
I find Nicole's dream interesting. It reminds me of things I have said to her or dreamed about before. But that was before I stopped dreaming. Before I stopped believeing...before a lot of things. I am so weary and tired of everything.
EVERYTHING!
Not everyone. But everything. Every little faction in my life...all the issues...all the concerns...all the stress. It makes me wonder quite a few times actually, what would it be like if things were different? Then I get quietly drunk and kill a few more brain cells. Sooner or later I am going to flip. I can feel it coming. I don't want to be around anyone when this happens. I was hurting so bad tonight that I called for my three. Nicole, Amanda and Tanya. But either they were caught up in their own thoughts and events or I am too rusty at such things.
But I shall prevail. I somehow always manage to cling to some semblence of so-called sanity while these events go on. I shall do what I have always done. Just take one day at a time and hope that what I am running from does not catch up to me when I am not ready for it.
Dec. 26th, 2005 @ 10:18 pm
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| » My Turn Again |
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The day after Christmas. YAY! Actually this holiday season caught me quite unprepared. So busy was I with work and trying to figure out what Will was planning to do that I didn't do Christmas shopping. Yes, I managed to go without shopping. I did some superficial shopping. I bought my Mother and Will stuff. Little things. Everyone else is getting a late holiday.
Will came and met my Dad and Michelle this past weekend. Interesting to say the least. My Dad seemed to be quite taken with him. I think it was the fact that Will actually enjoyed going to church with the family. I know exactly what they think. This might be the way to bring me back. Show me the light and whatnot. It's okay, I'm not going to fuss about it. I'm just awknowledging this possibility of thoughts.
Overall the weekend was good. I enjoyed being with my family. The ride back down to VA sucked. It was overly long and I just didn't want to be back. Considering I'm only coming back for 1.5 days. Duty today and turnover tomorrow. Though it was pretty funny when I told Will I wanted to stop for fries. Nothing was open. The point was, and I told him, that I wanted to stop for a minute. It had very little to do with me being hungry at all or craving fries. So we went another hour and finally I told him the point of stopping was so I could pounce on him. Ironically at this point we had passed many places where we could have stopped and suddenly there wasn't a single place. I was highly amused as he growled and whimpered at the fact he had nowhere to stop and me snickering in the passenger seat. I'm terrible sometimes. But I'm worth it, or at least I like to think so. We talked more and he asked me if I would consider moving in with him. I'm not so sure at this point, but I did tell him I would consider it. Of course he has to talk to Eric about it, as they are roommates. I'm cool with Eric though, we are D&D buddies, he was one of my DMs. It shouldn't be a problem at all, I just have to make sure its something I'm going to be okay with.
On another subject, I had this really weird dream last night. I was waiting for something, or a gorup of people, out on the rocks. I was me but at the same time I wasn't me as I was dressed oddly, almost native-esque. When someone started shooting at me with an arrow. They missed miserably, and it turns out the arrow was supposed to get my attention. It got my attention and I made a run for it. I ran down into a ravine. There was a lake of sorts there, where I dove in. Someone chased after me. It was male and he was strange to me, even in the dream. I didn't know him, and it seemed to me that it was someone from an opposing side. Almost like someone from a different tribe, if you follow. I dove under the water where I sought out a cave. Somehow I knew it was there. I swam quickly through the tunnels, somehow knowing just where the places were that had air pockets. That person was still after me. Following quickly behind. The chase went on through the underwater tunnels until at last I found a place to get out of the water and run through cavern tunnels. He eventually caught me despite me knowing these tunnels. He gave me a speech. Held on to me and told me that I was his. Always had been. In every life. As he was mine. I knew in his eyes it was true and that there would never be another. Never had been another. It was always him. For some reason I remeber the face. The sharp features. I remember laying my hands on either side of his face. I remembered each life with him. The face changed but it was still the same man. He had been looking for me and had hunted me down. Yet I was not going to give in. Every life had been with that soul, but I would not give myself to a man I did not know from this life. This life could have changed him. I assured him that I was his and always would be and there would never be another for me, and told him that I wanted time to know him in this life before I gave in.
Then I woke up and it was really really really weird. I was somewhat shaken. Not sure what to make of the dream. Maybe I've been sleeping too much. Or maybe not enough. Or maybe I'm working myself too hard....strange peculiar dreams. Wonder what Michelle would think....
And yes, I am truly sick and deranged.....I played with dolls since Michelle's sister brought the subject up....dun dun dunnnn
Turning people into dolls....I ought to be ashamed of myself....If you can name them I will congratulate you...top three are obvious and the bottom two are close male friends of mine...
Dec. 26th, 2005 @ 07:54 am
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| » As such is fate and life |
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And such is life...
Amanda is home. *cheers* I went out with her and her fiancee guy Mike. I like him but he is hiding something. I can feel it... Yet slowly admits to the most unusual things...and slowly that feeling fades. He is a Capricorn and reminds me of someone I once knew.
But then again... I have been so fucked up in my feelings and whatnot that I do not trust myself anymore. And if I can not trust my own thoughts and feelings, how can my friends?
I messed up with my dreams... SO I ran away and blocked them out. Afraid of that I would mess up again or misunderstand their meaning. I stray away from the judgements that my two closest friends know me to do... I feel different.
Though it is like I don't feel anymore. At least I don't want to... I have been hiding for a while. Nicole and Amanda know why. And I have the feeling I can't hide anymore... I feel like I am being hunted. Sometimes I am so jumpy like I am being spied upon. My kids...they try to meet my eyes and I look away. I refuse to dream. I can't handle the responsiblity that was dropped into my lap. I want to run... to ignore it all. But there is a nagging at the back of my brain... a constant reminder.
And today.
Today I went to the psychic. You have to understand. Nicole and I love nothing more than to go and screw over a psychic. Mess with them and then laugh about it later. But paybacks...Paybacks are not fun. She mentioned the circle today. NO ONE! NO ONE KNOWS about that...except those in the circle. I wanted to cry. To deny it...but I couldn't. I felt my layers shed and like I was a newborn babe. And she asked my why I was ignoring it all.
I had no answer. At least none that would make me feel stupid or ashamed.
So now what? Give myself up? Apologize and hope I can make it better? I think not. I did it this time... I know I did. And when it comes time for my dues to be paid... At least I know that they will be paid in full.
Dec. 17th, 2005 @ 09:32 pm
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| » Sorrow is her name |
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Here we go again. How things go. How fleeting things are. I'm in my low right now. Things seemed so much easier last week. Then suddenly I was struck by a darkness, something that weighted me down terribly. I didn't know what it was until recently. I've been puzzling it out. Something is wrong, I know that. I tried talking to people here, but they just don't get it. How could they? They barely know me. They know all the wonderful superficial things I keep as a facade. They don't know my other sides. They've seen me in pain. They saw me took a hit to my ego. What they didn't seem to understand was that I also took another hit even before then. I desired for the first time. Something I had never really done. I've never really wanted anyone. Then I met someone who made me desire. Something deep and hidden in one person caught me and I was done for. It wasn't love, I know that, knew it then too. It was the desire that pulled me when I knew better. The man was wrong but he served his purpose in making me realize just what was wrong every time before. Then came another after him, he hit my ego. I was sore after being left from the first. I needed to be held. Something I don't admit without great cost. He couldn't and in the end kicked me when I was down, not that I admitted it really. No one needed to know that. I did feel the sting and shortly after....there was Will. Strong, comfortable, steady. My big teddy bear. He could hold me. And he does hold me.
Then comes the problem. I've allowed him to hold me and I've agreed to be with him. However, I'm wondering if I didn't move to fast after being hurt. I realized last night I seem to be using him. He's falling fast for me and I am simply content. Happy as others have stated for me. Yes, I'm happy. I'm content. I know I could very easily stay with him and be just that, happy and content. Yet I was given a taste of something and now it eats at me. He can never do that for me. Fulfill that need. He can fill the need to be held and give me the security that I've been in bad need of as of late. But I keep wondering. Is that fair to him?
Craig, Wolfe, and Ben all say I need to talk to him. Yet they don't fully understand. Michelle understands something more than they do as I can't possibly tell them one more small thing. Perhaps they are right. They think I'm silly for even worrying. I'm happy aren't I? He makes me smile. My eyes light up when he walks in the room. But do they not notice it does the same for someone else? Are they that blind? I just gave up because I had no choice. I still don't. And I don't think this is even that person that is causing me to have this strong of doubt. The whole reason that person had a hold on me to begin with was there was a strong personality resemblance to someone who held my heart even before coming to this place. That resemblance gave him an edge, an opening in to be closer to me in a very quick manner.
I despise my dark moods. I want to throw myself into my dark corners and be left alone. However I don't see this happening. How can it? Though I may give in to it anyway, anyone else be damned. I go home tomorrow. I'm hoping things will be clearer for me then.
Why can things never be simple? Or do I complicate things by just simply being?
Dec. 17th, 2005 @ 08:32 am
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| » At it again |
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Hmm, I keep waiting for someone else to write in this and yet there is still nothing more from Michelle or Amanda. Kinda wish I knew what was going on with Amanda. For the most part I know what's going on with Michelle though we rarely talk these days. I've just been so busy with work and of course my latest and greatest. The ship is going to be leaving soon and I'll finally be back on the east coast to be with everyone. Perhaps then my schedule will calm down a little bit. Though I don't know if I'll go back to Gaia or not, as I did mention once upon a time that I may go back when my schedule calms down.
A few things have changed. I've started pulling ahead at work, becoming less of an observer and more of a performer. It's not easy and I'm not too sure of what I'm doing, but I'm trying to step up to the plate like they requested of me. Granted they still get a little frustrated at the fact that I refuse to give up my valuable liberty time. If only I could tell them things. Like the fact that I want out of work because Will (my new object of affection) is going to be leaving soon and I want as much time as possible with him before he goes. We're not on the same duty days, so the time that I do get with him is precious. Why would I give up my time with him for them? Especially since at this command the harder you work the harder the tasks get. There is nothing to balance out the scales to make it worth it for me. I do what I can when I can, but I am not breaking myself for a job that I rarely get satisfaction from.
I suppose the question now is who the heck is Will. I think I mentioned him before. Well, it's official, or, well, kinda. We can't exactly tell the world we're dating as the command policy states no dating, even if we are in two different departments altogether. Yes, he's an e6, but I'm an e5, it's not so bad. He's is supply and I'm in computers. We're not influencing each other in the least. We don't interact with each other except when I go get myself something from the ship store or when he has computer problems. Yet policy is policy. So we keep quiet and sneak around until he leaves, which is in a couple weeks. Lately, I've been going outside my usual type, and once more I find myself with a guy who is nothing like anyone else I've ever dated. Granted he is tall. That is probably the only thing he has in common with my ex's. 6'2", good height. He's also Sicilian and a decent weight. So he doesn't have a well cut body, but I seem to have fun petting the buddah *snicker*. Nah, he's not that bad, he just likes to talk like he is, and then growls at me when I talk about my weight. Double standards! Yeesh! He's funny though, makes me laugh, and he is out to spoil me with attention. How could I resist? After the bit of a blow with Andrew and before that Steve, I needed ego petting and lavishing of attention. He also doesn't mind sitting and watching kid flicks with me. He even enjoys The Last Unicorn! What's not to adore about him? I call him my Big Sicilian Teddy Bear, mainly because I animal associated him with a Grizzly Bear. It fits, I swear! I do end up giving him a hard time too, such as suddenly males around me have taken to trying to flirt and hook up with me. Which amuses me to no end. It doesn't amuse him though. He growls. I came in to lunch and told him that I had two dates. He flipped. I laughed. He demanded to know who, just as one of them came to sit down with us. Knives came out and it turned into a big joke (mainly because the guy that asked me out knows I'm with Will and did it as a joke to mess with Will). Then he told me that I had plans tomorrow, which I playfully became indignant at the fact no one bothered to ask me what I wanted to do, just naturally assumed I'd be going with whatever he wanted to do. Turned into another little game as he pretended to be defeated and then stepped into it again when he assumed I'd be okay with Wolfe coming along. I actually think he only invites Wolfe so that Wolfe can drive and play chauffer while we cuddle in the back of the car. Not that I complain.
Anyway, people walked in, no need for them to know what I'm rambling about......until another time...Peace.
Nov. 23rd, 2005 @ 05:21 pm
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| » Its that time again |
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Here I am writing once more, why, I have no idea. My wrist is still in a bind, still much pain. I've ended things with Andrew, we've decided to be just friends. Well...he decided we were going to be just friends with the gift of a 'friendship spider' ring. Okay, I can live with that. At least I won't feel guilty if I cuddle with other guys. And after this weekend it is a good thing. Yes, I caused quite a bit of drama this weekend. There was free beer and food involved, how could I say no?
Well Friday we were let out early for costume party goodness. I'm broke so I had to do something cheap and easy. I threw on a bed sheet, grabbed some cord, mussed up my hair, and TA-DA Aphrodite Goddess of Love, at your service. It was actually quite good. They were Egyptian cotton sheets, so it was nice and not tacky Navy issue sheets. Well Andrew was a pirate and had a mask on the entire night and ran around everywhere except near me. Fine. It was all good. Then Craig was nice enough to point me in the direction of him and with his arm around another girl. Now, I know him and the girl, nothing to be jealous of. However, if he can throw a fit about Craig, then I'm allowed the same with any other girl. So I went on drinking and dancing with other guys, why have my night ruined because of this. Well, surprise surprise, I dance with Craig and Andrew gets jealous and comes over and puts his arm around me. At this point I've had a couple drinks and am feeling pretty darn ornery. I threatened to remove his hand and his manhood if he so ever touched me again. Did I also mention that the whole episodes with him had left me livid when I realized I had allowed myself to feel cheapened? Well he removed his hand and sauntered off. I continued to dance and drink, excessively. Lauren and myself decided to give the guys a show and dance, which the guys all started surrounding us to dance along. There was a nice chain involved of dancing costumed bodies, and not costumed bodies.
After awhile, I finally let off enough steam and went to try to talk to him. I was feeling just a bit more reasonable. He was eating a hotdog and so I with a friend smile simply asked 'It that any good?' *sigh* He just looked at me and then turned and walked away. Not a word. I glared at his backside and my feathers were ruffled. He wanted to play it that way, FINE. So I drank more, and well.....there are pictures I may have a hard time explaining later. In fact, I might not even want to see them. Though I will say nothing was too terrible, nothing I would actually be ashamed of.
Then, feeling overly sore from dancing the next morning I went on to lunch. I talked with folks and we were planning on going to the talent show for more free food and beer. Well, guess who walks by and gives me a good morning/hello 'Nicole'! Andrew! I simply just stared at him dumbfounded. Anyway, he walked by and I just stared. Later I was just so confused, so I messaged him asking him if he was talking to me now or if he was going to continue to be an ass. He responded saying that his door is always open but he won't beg for me to come to him. At this point, I was LIVID! Him beg?! HA! My hand was darting over the buttons with a quick response of 'Beg? You? I've been trying to get attention for going on two weeks with you barely awknowledging my presence'....well his response had me screaming (literally) angrily, it scared Lori and Clay (two others I've taken to hanging out with). He told me begging was unattractive and pathetic and the more I did it the more our friendship was going to dissolve. I was chewing nails and seeing red. I responded with a 'its too late, I do believe its already dissolved' along with 'I'm high maintenance and your not interested so we'll leave it at that'. He didn't disagree, in fact he didn't respond at all.
Well I went to the talent show and had fun. In fact I mended fences with Mat (a guy I almost hooked up with once upon a time until Dela ruined it) and I also had fun with Will.
I'm being caught! I shall finish this later.....
Oct. 30th, 2005 @ 08:11 am
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| » It's been so long... |
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It seems like forever since I've written here. I think most people have forgotten about this thing. I like to think I have a valid reason for not being around...sitting on a ship will do that to a person. I'm lucky to even remember what day it is let alone a journal online. Yet, here I am, after hours hiding in a space no one would look for me in to tippy-tap on the computer, listening to sappy love songs.
This is actually quite difficult since yesterday I had the unfortunate luck to fall down a ladder-well. I was lucky not to fall face forward. Instead I fell backwards onto the stairs and went feet first down them to the bottom where I twisted my ankle and found out I could no longer move my wrist. I don't even get to find out if I broke it or not as they don't want to x-ray until the swelling goes down. That was yesterday and my movement is still limited. Can't even open a door for myself with that hand. And did I mention its my right hand? Which also means I can't write or draw. Welcome to the second layer of hell for me. I'm managing though, learning to do things with one hand temporarily. Hopefully its just sprained bad or something and not broken. I should be finding out tomorrow.
As for work. BUSY is the only word that can describe it. 14-16 hour days for me, if I'm lucky. Then again working gets me too busy to think of personal problems, at least most of the time. Other times I'm left wondering just what my life has managed to do. I spend 3.5 years in Hawaii being antisocial, but come to this ship and suddenly I'm a social queen. It's not so bad, only since I'm not that well versed in social dynamics I find myself missing steps....wait....that sounds bad....considering I just fell down stairs...yeesh. Anyway, I decided to involve myself with someone and its flopping. Can't tell why or how it managed to do it, but it is. I want to give up but at the same time I don't. Maybe the part of me that doesn't want to sign the guy off is that there would be no real conclusion as I wouldn't know why I was doing it. I like neat and tidy little endings.
Don't get me wrong the guy is nice...or at least he always seems nice enough. Much better than my last interest. His only problem is he's quiet, which doesn't always work well for me. I like to be told things. And then there is the quiet jealousy. Generally I like my guys to be a little jealous and possessive, makes me feel secure that they'll hold me just that much tighter. Something I've suddenly started wanting. However, with this guy its different. He's jealous of a guy that has become a great friend of mine. There isn't anything I can't talk to him about and he makes a great pillow when I'm tired. He likes to cuddle and so do I, though he's in a serious relationship and I'm in whatever it is that I'm in, and so its a just friends thing. So nothing for any other guy to be getting jealous about. Yet...it still happens. It bothers me more because he steams quietly about it and I hear about it from other people. What does he want? Me to stop talking to my friend? HA! Anyone who knows me knows what that answer is going to be. I never leave behind a friend. NEVER! And its not that I neglect him. Whose arms was I in a week ago? His. Cuddled happily all night there. Michelle can even vouch for that one. I walked around like a cat who caught a mouse and cuddled up to him any time he would let me. Then this past weekend suddenly he's decided he only has enough time to say hi to me and over the weekend it's all about the guys. Which I really wouldn't have a problem with normally if it weren't for the fact I don't think I'm getting my recommended dosage of attention from him. Is it so much to ask at least one day out a week to be with him? I don't think its unreasonable at all. Then again I have been told I have a weird set of reasonings. *sigh* I would just like one section of my life to be uncomplicated. Just one. My wrist is hurting, I should probably stop typing so fast. Yet...I want all my thoughts caught and they move a lot faster than I can type as it is....I don't think I could slow them down enough for my wrist to be satisfied.
Anyway, while the one guy I think I'm with, though not so sure right now, was ignoring me, I spent the weekend with the guys (my set of guys....kinda like big brothers). After seeing my account and after dealing with a day of trying to figure out my relationship issues, I decided to sit in the parking lot with a group of people and have a drink. I mixed 3/4 Captain in a 2L bottle of Cola and finished it all off. I was pretty well gone. But I did manage to get attention that I wanted from a guy I think I've mentioned before. He's a nice guy. Reminds me of a grizzly bear. A grizzly from NJ. Hehee. Funny guy. I got to be held like I wanted to. I even demonstrated my talent for jumping. Sick minds aside people. No I enjoy getting back rides so I get a guy to stand still and I do a nice vault onto them to get my ride around. It's actually quite fun. I get pretty good height. Of course Will is quite a bit taller than most of the guys I hang out with so it was a little more difficult, but I did it nontheless. Great fun there. Almost knocked one guy to the floor. Skinny little thing he was. It was great fun. Thankfully Will was nice enough to hold onto me on the way back to the ship because I was pretty far gone byt the time I finished the 2L as anyone could well imagine. It was a decent stress reliever for that moment. Even if I did have to wake up at 5:30am the next morning. I did it though! I woke up fine without a hangover...granted after breakfast was when I found myself at the bottom of the ladder-well. It wasn't due to alcohol though! Just so its said....I was 100% sober at that point!
Well, I need to stop writing....my wrist can't take anymore abuse and typing slow is beginning to annoy me.
Oct. 25th, 2005 @ 06:55 pm
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| » Did you ever just have one of those days? |
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Actually, it has been a month or something.
I have been in one of my moods. Just like in high school I could feel it coming and I tried so hard to ignore it and push it down. But this is one of my stronger episodes and it has been so rough.
Migraines. Body aches. Listlessness. Writer's block.
I could go on and on when it comes to the symtoms. And I try not to have it affect my loved ones or friends, or my work for that matter. As a sales assocciate, I need to stay cheerful and happy. That is not how it is though.
*sigh*
I can't really rant right now, but I will make a more detailed post soon. I need to need rant soon and let some of this out.
Oct. 9th, 2005 @ 11:45 pm
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| » I do not know anymore... |
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Have you ever had the feeling that one minute you were happy with a balloon in your hand and the next minute the balloon is floating away and you have been left behind?
That is how I feel.
I feel grounded and I feel left behind. Not by anyone person in particular...but I look at those around me who are my age and suddenly I feel like I have missed the best years of my life. And I have barely yet to begin living!
I have been so moody lately, that everyone is my house is kinda walking on pins and needles. I know what it is and I know what part of the cause is...but I do not want to go to some doctor and have to take pills for it. I hate taking medicine. And I am sure that my friends will be happy to know that I have calmed my drinking down. Yay! I just...
You know. It pisses me off when people assume to know everything about me and assume to know that they know what I will say or do. And it pisses me off when they can not understand why I am mad at that? Who wants to be assumed? I certainly do not.
For example, I asked Jeremy to make me a drink the other night. Nothing major, just something to ease my migraine and help me go to sleep. I have been trying to go to sleep earlier so I could get up earlier for Aidan and Mika's sake. Anyways, he made the drink a little too strong and apologized to me. I told him it was not such a big deal because he hadn't really put too much into it. Jordan has the nerve to say something like "That's okay. She likes her drinks strong anyways. You could put the whole bottle in and she would be happy."
Definitely pissed me off. As if I like my drinks the same all the time! I suppose I created my own bed by being a strong/heavy drinker... Yet, it still irked the hell out of me. And it is not the first time that people have been presuming for me. Honestly, am I such an open book?
Just so much has been going on...and I have been having strange dreams again. I really need to go to the psychic again...as unnerving as she is...she is also reassuring. Of course, she still had a hard time telling Nicole and myself apart. And I have really been wanting to talk to someone. But Tanya has been busy. Nicole has been resettling and I really haven't wanted to bother her. It is good that she is away from Delaware again...I could hear how much lighter her voice was...so I talked to my mom. Which was nice.
I talk a lot more to my mom than I used to. But I still hold much deep down. That wall again...so high and none still able to breach it. I have so many fears and so many people I am afraid of disappointing...that I want to hide away quite a few times.
Okay, enough of me gushing and repeating myself like I have in so many other posts. I gotta go make dinner.
Aug. 22nd, 2005 @ 06:01 am
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| » Such is life |
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Life remains interesting for me. Things with said individual have gone away to near oblivion. Since he decided he would rather be with his ex fiance than with me. That would be okay if it made any sense at all. Then again my mom is right, listening to him talk about her, they are both so messed up and make no sense that they would be perfect for each other. Anyway he doesn't talk to me much except to complain about my road-dog companion Dela who has become in a short amount of time a dear friend and confidante. Things are hard for both of us, more for her than me, and we use each other as crutches to get through the battlefield that is our lives.
There is however a new male sniffing around the base of the tree I've been hiding in. His name is Mike and he is physically everything I look for in a guy, tall, well built, beautiful blue eyes, hair for me to play with, all that wonderful stuff, even the sexy glasses I can never get enough of. However he lacks the maturity. I have found that I am starting to crave a level of security. Someone who has the maturity to handle himself and responsibilities in a manner that shows intelligence, and again maturity. Did that make any sense? I hope it did. He doesn't compose himself very well. Which is okay, but he acts like a seventeen year old. He crushes like teenagers in high school. As he works with Dela, she tells me of his constant hounding of her as he asks questions regarding me to her, such as:
"What do you think she's thinking about?"
"You know I like her a lot, do you think she likes me?"
"Will she talk to me at lunch?"
That kind of stuff which was cute in school but as an adult its a huge turn off. Its like someone having a childhood crush on me. Not that cool at all....in fact it just frustrates me even more as I now have to be very careful with him and let him down easy....such is life I suppose....time to move on....though now I kind of want to retreat back into my shell....hide from the social dynamics that are all around me these days.....maybe I rushed in too fast? Or maybe I ought to ride it out and hope for the best. I just wish I didn't feel so alone in doing this. Dela is cool and all, and she's a great friend and confidant. But its not the same....she doesn't have years of experience in understanding me or knowing how to deal with me. I miss people knowing what I'm thinking without me saying it, I have too hard of a time expressing things clearly that they seem to always be misconstrued...
Anyway, my book is over for now, someone I've been waiting for has come around for me to talk to at last.....
Jul. 10th, 2005 @ 07:24 pm
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| » A long time... |
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So it has been a long time, has it not? I suppose that is a good thing and a bad thing. I will be honest, I have been holding much in for a very long time. Again, a good thing and a bad thing. This is just an entry to let those know that I am still alive.
And if Amanda did not get my email, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS!
Oh...and I am in love...
Bye!
Jun. 21st, 2005 @ 01:52 pm
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