Another exceedingly excellent New York weekend. But in the name of them giving me no work to do at all today, I shall submit this ridiculous filmockery.



Goblet of Attractive Exchange Students or, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: A Parody

SKULLS: This is a new Harry Potter!
SNAKES: Totally dark and hardcore!
SKULLS: Everything is about to change!
KETTLE: Er... yeah! Hardcore! That's us! Rule! By the way, everyone in Britain has used a plug-in kettle since 1940, but whatever...

OLD MAN: I should negotiate my way through these elaborately cut hedges which I, despite being of retirement age and having a game leg, have kept up all on my own!
OLD MAN: .... You know, I suppose I could have paused sometime during my design of an exhibition garden to dust this house now and then.
OLD MAN: ... Who is that dark, intense, leather-clad man kneeling by a chair?
AUDIENCE: Is that Barty Crouch Junior? If so, why is he not shown on Death Eater recruitment posters throughout Britain? It would be the most brilliant marketing strategy of all time! That man... that leather... licking his lips... 'Got Death?'
KETTLE: I think Voldemort just killed that old man! I told you, didn't I? Hardcore!

HERMIONE: What were you dreaming about, Harry?
HARRY: Uh... dark, intense, leather-clad men.
HERMIONE: Well… I try not to judge. Wake up, Ronald!
RON: Ahhh! Madam, you have intruded upon me at a moment when I am unclothed!
HERMIONE: Take out the trash! Wash the dishes! Go out and make me and the children some money, you layabout!
RON: Being married at fourteen sucks.

WEASLEYS, INLAWS AND HARRY: Walkin'.
AMOS DIGGORY: What up, my homies?
MR WEASLEY: Not much, not much. Kids don't know where we're going. Why didn't I tell them? Shits and giggles! 'S cool, bro.
AMOS DIGGORY: Righteous. Where's my son - by which I mean the beautiful perfect single flower of my loins whose loss would destroy me utterly?
RANDOM LEAP OF ATTRACTIVE BOY FROM TREE: One!
CEDRIC: Uh, actually, I'm good with 'Cedric' for now, Dad.
GINNY AND HERMIONE: We'd be good with Cedric. Rawr!

BOOT: I am a Portkey. A Portkey transports people magically. It is a magical tran... oh, you've read the books? Rock on.
CEDRIC: Need a hand, Harry?
HERMIONE AND GINNY: We are on the ground too, Cedric! Touch our skin too, Cedric!
HARRY: Is that tent bigger on the inside cos of magic? Magic is so cool. Makes tents bigger. Makes Harry happy. Makes pretty lights also.
HERMIONE: I think we should all be very kind to Harry. It is not his fault.

QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP: Happenin', dude!
DRACO: Weasleys, you are bringing down the whole tone of this event. I am working this Armani, and you are harshing my clothing mellow.
LUCIUS: Don't taunt the poor people for being so poor. It's too easy. All you need to make your point is a sneer and an enormous pimp cane. Observe. Harry Potter! My pimp cane owns you!
DRACO: Daddy, when can I have a pimp cane of my very own?
LUCIUS: When you can use it like a man. Shacka lacka swish!

THE IRISH: We have leprechauns!
THE BULGARIANS: We have Krum! No Veela. We don't need Veela. All we need is Krum... do dee do dah dah... all we need is Krum, Krum, Krum is all we need...
THE IRISH: ... yeah, you win.
QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP: Happened! Wait. What? Wow, when people said they'd never see Ireland win the World Cup they really, really meant it, didn't they?

RON: Krum is like an artist... he has strong, fine hands. Strong, powerful thighs...
ALL: Ron and Krum, sitting in a tree...
RON: Wow, if only.
AUDIENCE: Ron Weasley, this is just so unexpected!

MR WEASLEY: That noise outside is not the Irish! Someone is on a rampage of murder and mayhem!
AUDIENCE: Sure it's not the Irish? They have drink taken, you know.

HARRY: Whuh? I was knocked unconscious and... all the tents have burned down? Who is this dark figure striding in a sinister yet manly way towards me? Did this happen in the book? Do I have a concussion?
EVERYONE: What happened, dude?
HARRY: There was a dark, intense, leather-clad man. I didn't see his face.
AUDIENCE: Shame.

REFRESHMENTS LADY: I'm sorry, Harry, we don't carry exotically hot girlfriends on the trolley.
HARRY: (in a discreet whisper) Any dark, intense, leather-clad men?

DUMBLEDORE: Now we're back at Hogwarts, let me introduce you to the lovely ladies of Beauxbatons!
LOVELY LADIES: Our butterflies bring all the boys to the yard. Damn right, they're better than yours.
AUDIENCE: Inquiring minds want to know why Dumbledore seems to be wearing a version of the Beauxbatons robes.
DUMBLEDORE: Sometimes I just like to feel pretty.

DUMBLEDORE: And now the brave sons of Middle Ear... er, Durmstrang. OK, kids, we're all going to have a competition. And we're going to have it here, because a) Hogwarts appears to be the only co-ed magical school in Europe, and b) the entrance of a Hogwarts delegation to another school? Would pretty much consist of Harry Potter shambling in and going "'sup?"

MOODY: I am in no way morally ambivalent or secretly a dark, intense, leather-clad man! And now to make everyone in class share Weasley's arachnophobia.
HERMIONE: Look, I don't think this is necessary at all.
MOODY: Next one to speak gets eyeballed!
EVERYONE: ...
MOODY: I think I eyeball you all anyway.
EVERYONE: ...
MOODY: *creepy laugh* Remember, not morally ambivalent! Have a nice day.

GOBLET OF FIRE: Come to me, young things of legal age, and I will consume you!
AUDIENCE: What the goblet said, dude.
CEDRIC: Name in the flame.
HERMIONE: Weasley twins, your fiendish plans will not work.
TWINS: Tell us, miss smartypants... have you ever thought about being the filling in a Weasley sandwich?
HERMIONE: I'd be lying if I said no. What's your point?
TWINS: No point, no point. Call us whenever you feel lonely.

KRUM: I'm here. I'm striding. All you other homies better recognize.
HERMIONE: I see that.
KRUM: I'm here for the competition right now... but I'll be back for the underage booty later.
HERMIONE: Don't think I'll be calling the twins this year.

DUMBLEDORE: And the contestants are Viktor 'Too Sexy For His Broom' Krum, Fleur 'Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi' Delacour, Cedric 'Handsome As the Devil, But Perfectly Divine' Diggory, and... Harry 'What the Heck Is Going On Here?' Potter!

DUMBLEDORE: HARRY DID YOU ENTER THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT TELL ME NOW OR I END YOU!
HARRY: No, and I'm confused by your bizarre mood swings!
DUMBLEDORE: BLAME IT ON THE DRUGS!
MOODY: You guys, the Cup would've needed a very strong spell to confuse it.
KARKAROFF: What is your point?
MOODY: This is Harry 'Dumb As A Bag of Hammers' Potter.
KARKAROFF: ... Good point. Guess he's in, then. Back to staring meaningfully at Snape!

HARRY: Ron, Ron, baby...?
RON: I AM NOT IN THE MOOD.
HARRY: Should we just cuddle?
RON: I HAVE A HEADACHE. FOREVER.

RITA SKEETER: Underage celebrities everywhere! God I love my job! Most illegal first. Comfy in here, Harry?
HARRY: In that you are standing in a broom closet, and I am standing in your enormous bazungas.
RITA: Excellent. Now, baby, will you call me 'mother'?
HARRY: NO.
RITA: Aha! Parent issues!

SIRIUS: Goodness gracious, great face of fire! Watch out for Barty Crouch - he put his dark, intense, leather-clad son in prison. You cannot trust a man like that.

HERMIONE: Ron says that he's not talking to you and Hagrid wants to see you and that night meant nothing.
HARRY: What?
HERMIONE: Ron says that it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy and it is a big deal!
HARRY: What?
HERMIONE: I hate you guys so, so much.

RANDOM LEAP OF ATTRACTIVE BOY FROM TREE: Two!
AUDIENCE: Leap, boys, leap!
DRACO: And you thought your pigtails weren't going to get pulled this movie, Potter.
HARRY: Your father is evil and you are just pathetic!
DRACO: I think that is a very superficial reading of Half-Blood Prince!
MOODY: I own your ferret ass! Now I'm going to do a gentle loop-the-loop with it!
AUDIENCE: Why is the crazed Death Eater - um, morally ambiguous Dark Arts teacher - interested in a light spot of amiable comedy?
DRACO: I DON’T KNOW, BUT I AM TELLING DADDY.
HARRY: Dude, I love having eccentric teacher father figures. I can see no way this will end badly. No way.

HERMIONE: Harry, all you need to do is find your happy place. *hugs*
HARRY: Like, not in this tent about to face an enormous dragon?
RITA SKEETER: If you two make out, you can make the front page. I'm just sayin', is all.
KRUM: This tent is reserved for champions and underage booty!
RITA: Respect.

DRAGON: Rar?
HARRY: ACTION SEQUENCE! LIKE QUIDDITCH BUT WITH NO PEOPLE TO MAKE IT INTERESTING!
DRAGON: *goes down, dialling RSPCA to report Harry Potter before it hits*

RON: See, sometimes 'never talk to me again, you're a dirty liar' means 'I love you.'
HARRY: Reunited, and it feels so good!

KRUM: *bend and flex and wiggle and stride*
HARRY AND RON: That is so lame!
HERMIONE: You do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about...
HARRY AND RON: ...?
HERMIONE: I mean, hooray for reading.

MCGONAGALL: Now we are all going to practise dancing for the ball to which you boys will invite women. Ron Weasley, put your hand on my waist.
RON: I'm sorry, my hearing's gone all swimmy with horror. Which of your girl parts did you want me to touch?

HARRY: Cho, will you go to the ball with me?
CHO: Uh, no, I'm going with Cedric Diggory.
HARRY: You're going with Cedric? Can I go with both of you? Because I would totally be into that.
CHO: That'd be a no.
HARRY: Fine! I'm going to go lie on my couch with my egg cradled to my stomach, looking emo and imagining what it would feel like to bear your child! So there!
CHO: ...

FRED: 'Dear Ron, Move it or all the good ones will be gone! Love, Fred.'
HARRY: Tell me about it, Cho and Cedric at one fell swoop.
RON: Who're you taking?
FRED: Angelina! If you're getting down, baby, I want it now, baby.
ANGELINA: You got it.
FRED: 'Dear Ron, OWNED! Love, Fred.'
RON: I need a woman. Harry, you're not a woman. Hermione, you are a woman!
HERMIONE: No kidding. A woman who has her a MAN.
RON: *splutter*
SNAPE: 'Dear Mr Weasley and Mr Potter, OWNED! Sincerely, Professor Snape.'

THE YULE BALL: Happenin'!
AUDIENCE: OMG can we have a Hermione Barbie of our very own?
KRUM: No. She's mine.

HARRY: I wish I was Cedric. Or Cho.
HARRY’S DATE: I wish I had a lover with slow hands and an easy touch, but that's not going to happen anytime soon either.

WEIRD SISTERS: How you feelin', Hogwarts?
HOGWARTS: TOTALLY PUNK ROCK!

RON: Krum is older. He will lay you down on a tigerskin rug and caress you with his big, strong hands and tell you that your lips are saying no but your body's saying 'yes, yes, oh big daddy, yes.'
HERMIONE: And the problem with that is…?

NEVILLE: Hi, Harry. I just got in - and since the books establish that Ginny Weasley hooked up with Michael Corner at the Yule Ball, one can only assume this is because hooked up with the band.
HARRY: Why do I have only my recurring dreams of dark, intense, leather-clad men when you get to have hook up with the band?
NEVILLE: I have dancin' feet.

HERMIONE: Worked out your egg yet?
HARRY: Worked out your sexual tension with Ron yet?
HERMIONE: Touche. I have Krum now, you see. Though it's not all roses. He keeps sliding his big strong hands up my legs and asking me to make out in the library.
HARRY: Yes, that is a tough problem. I feel really sorry for you.
HERMIONE: It's playing merry hell with my flow charts, I can tell you that much.

CEDRIC: Uh, Harry, can I talk to you?
HARRY: Sure.
CEDRIC: Well, um. I think you should take a bubble bath in the prefects’ bathroom.
HARRY: Is this some kind of joke?
AUDIENCE: Cedric Diggory, this is just so unexpected!

HARRY: Well, here I am in the prefects' bathroom. I wonder what's keeping Cedric. AUDIENCE: Oh God, please take naked Harry Potter away. He's a child, a child! We don't want to see that!
MOANING MYRTLE: I DISAGREE. Hello, Harry. Waiting for someone?
HARRY: Not you. But d'you know how to decipher this egg clue?
MYRTLE: We'd best both get underwater.
HARRY: You know, you remind me a lot of Rita Skeeter.

NEVILLE: Do you want some weed?
HARRY: Well, life has been very stressful latel- oh, magical weed! Even better!
NEVILLE: Now can we go see Fleur and Cedric and Krum in their swimsuits?
AUDIENCE: Good plan!

NEVILLE: I didn't kill him, did I?
SEAMUS: No, you turned him into a mutant thing.
NEVILLE: God, I'm glad I got to hook up with the band before the Potter fans killed me.

DUMBLEDORE: I'm proud to announce that Potter gets second place because he thought (and with good cause) that this school was evil-minded enough to kill innocent bystanders for no reason!
NIGEL: Huzzah!
DRACO: Shut up, you're not even in the books!
HARRY: *gets kissed by Hermione. And Fleur*
RON: *gets kissed by Fleur*
CEDRIC: *probably gets kissed by Cho*
KRUM: Vere is my kiss? I am a very important and alluringly masculine Quidditch stah!

HARRY: Headmaster? Barty Crouch just got killed a whole bunch.
DUMBLEDORE: Quiet Harry, the grown-ups are talking. Please wait here, and if you happen to try a biting sweet which reverberates off a secret catch and shows you a path to my thoughts, why, so be it.
HARRY: Okay.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, why were you poking around in my secret thoughts?
HARRY: But I... but you said... but... Never mind! Dumbledore, you think about the same dark, intense, leather-clad man I dream of!
DUMBLEDORE: Well, Barty Crouch Junior is a very attractive man.

KARKAROFF: *massages Krum's shoulders*
MADAME MAXIME: *stands by Fleur*
AMOS DIGGORY: *clings to Cedric. Because Cedric has a father who loves him very, very much and would be distraught if anything (God forbid!) ever happened to him*
DUMBLEDORE: Watch out in the maze, you guys, because you might turn into different people! ... Or the hedges might just attack you. Whichever. Go!

FLEUR: *girlish scream*
KRUM: *glowing eyes*
CEDRIC: *high cheekbones*

HARRY: OMG Krum hexed Fleur!
CEDRIC: OMG I will protect you Harry!
HARRY: Oh Cedric, you're so manly.
CEDRIC: Er. I'm being eaten by a bush. Little help here, please?
HARRY: Wow, that is a super shiny cup. Hmm. Shiny cup - attractive wizarding boy. Shiny cup - attractive wizarding boy...
CEDRIC: Help please about now!
HARRY: Okay, okay.

CEDRIC: Harry, oh my God, I think that the cup that magically transported us to this graveyard might be a magical transportation device! Can you believe it?
HARRY: LET'S GO BACK.
CEDRIC: Isn't it cool?
HARRY: TIME TO GO BACK.
CEDRIC: Can this be, like, our special place?
VOLDEMORT: Kill that spare!
CEDRIC: Thank you for ruining that moment. (Dies.)

VOLDEMORT: Now it's time for my awful, terrible transformation!
AUDIENCE: You can't scare us, we've seen The English Patient.

VOLDEMORT: Now I call my Death Eaters to me. Lucius, I know that's you, I can see your flowing platinum locks from under your mask.
LUCIUS: Er, if I had just caught one whiff of your cologne, my lord...
VOLDEMORT: Liar. I called your house and you said 'I'm sorry, this is Mallory's Pizza Parlor' and hung up.

HARRY: MONSTER!
VOLDEMORT: Just for that, I'm going to let you go and fight you.
DEATH EATERS: Master, is that entirely w-
VOLDEMORT: Nobody but me will take him down.
DEATH EATERS: Master, have you really thought this one thr-
HARRY: Oooh, our wands have connected! It's like light sabers. Well, time to make my escape!
DEATH EATERS: Yeah, none of us could have predicted that at all. Not at all!

MADEYE MOODY: So, Harry, how was the glorious moment when the Awesome Dark Lord rose purified in the graveyard?
HARRY: Did I say graveyard?
MOODY: Well, that cover's blown.

DUMBLEDORE: Deal with him, Severus. I have no time for heroes.
SNAPE: Except for James Potter. And his little brat of a son who you keep giving the House Cup to. And yourself, sir, you defeated a dark wizard-
DUMBLEDORE: Quiet please. I have to give a speech about what a hero Cedric was.
SNAPE: But you just said you had no time for-
DUMBLEDORE: Can't you just let a platitude be a platitude, Severus? God!

DUMBLEDORE: Ahhh, I didn't like these curtains, which is somehow very profound.
HARRY: You were a Gryffindor then, sir?
DUMBLEDORE: Eh? Oh, no, I was on exchange from Beauxbatons.

HERMIONE: It's a shame Cedric died and Voldemort rose, but it's cool that everyone gets along now, huh?
RON: Yeah, that guy Malfoy's hugging looks like a total victory for the side of light. Lucky everyone in Hogwarts is pulling together, huh?
HERMIONE: Let me put it this way. No matter what happens, I'm glad I got some Bulgarian play.
FLEUR AND GABRIELLE: *kiss Ron goodbye*
RON: Inter-school co-operation such an attractive, I mean… good idea.
RON AND HERMIONE: To peace, friendship and foreign hotties!
HARRY: ... I hate you all so very, very much.