true · love

haha.  people are funny.  some people out there just don't understand that you care about them and that you certainly aren't trying to make them feel bad about themselves.  but, sometimes i am going to say something that will bother you.  it happens.  sometimes because it's the truth.  sometimes it will be simply because you don't agree with my opinion.  i don't know...  maybe my delivery is too harsh.  i guess if i temper what i am going to say iwith a statement like, "i mean this becaus ei care..."?

oh well.  i am talking about it with a friend of mine anyway.  maybe she can provide some insight.

• my mom told me i can do better in life in terms of what i choose for a job.  i guess she is right.  i never seem to find a good paying job.  meh.  i won't give up looking.  i know that i will eventually find something that will fit me. 
• my hands are greasy from eating two gigantic chocolate chip cookies.  well to counteract that sugar attack  i will drink lots of water and do my usual exercises that i do while i am bumming around in my shop.
• it's funny how time and changes in situations can make such a difference

  in the very beginning of our relationship, my bf had suggested to do my hair a certain way, to dress a certain way...  at first i thought it was b/c somene else  did that, but then after some things happened i realized that it was b/c that is what he likes.  i realized that it wasn't b/c he was obsessed (however... maybe he was?); he just likes certain things.  i do agree with myself that it was kinda strange how we were sporting similar stuff, but as time went by, i realized it was b/c we were quite similar on alot of things! 
  besides...  i really like braids.  it keeps my hair out of the way, and as soon as my bangs grow out, then all of my hair will be out of the way.  two braids don't pull from the weight of hair compared to when done up in one ponytail.  
  i am just making an entry today about it because i no longer look in the mirror and think, is there something about my appearance today that will not be representative of me?  i HATED that!  i felt so unsure of myself.  was i being me? 
  its not that i want to look like anyone else... i really want to look like ME.  i don't need to be the hottest girl in the room; i just want to feel good about myself when i do my hair or put on a skirt, you know what i mean?  as long as i think i look good, and that i am looking the best that i can, then that's the story.  anyway.  so the bottom line is, it's not that i am concerned with my appearance per se, but i am concerned that the i am making my decisions based on my thoughts and feelings, and not on insecurities fostered by someone else.

• can you believe it?  i ate 2 big cookies, and i am still hungry.  dam!  got to go drink water...
• ew my face feels greasy.  i have been told by other women how nice it is to have oily skin, as it keeps you looking younger, bit i am getting to the point wher ei am washing my facr at least 3 times a day.  help!
• um.

try to find me:	guess
and how do YOU feel?:	contemplative
turn that music down!:	godawful smooth jazz

however i feel ok.  i have never worked on myself as much as i have in the past year or so.  moving here to CA from NJ really motivated me to improve myself.  it's not easy.  i have more deeply ingrained bad habits than i thought.  who else that reads this has some bad habits that they would like to improve upon?  

anyway.  i am getting my collars today!!!  yay. 

and how do YOU feel?:

optimistic

about those lurvely collars...  well as some of you may or may not know, i am a vegetarian that would like to eventually make it to becoming a vegan.  and those collars?  well, they are entirely made out of... leather.  so not only did i buy one collar, but TWO.  i told myself that i would not buy new animal products, that if they were at a thrift store that was okay because it's essentially recycling.  the last time i bought new leather before these collars was when i bought my audi.  it's got leather seats.  so when i got home after buying my audi, i donated all of my leather shoes.  so in order to assuage my conscience, i am making the conscious effort to eat better.  more vegan.  i really like my collars.  i don't feel that bad; when i think about how much recycling i have done, and how much i searched high and low to find alternatives.  i don't know why i am blogging this; i am not looking for anyone to tell me its ok.  i know its ok!  

for some reason, i really feel the need to be in a house that is overlooking the ocean.  i keep thinking santa monica or santa cruz.  the urge is so strong, i can nearly smell the salt air.

and how do YOU feel?:

cheerful

My live-in boyfriend and i broke up and i had to move back to my parent's house. i still love him and he says he still loves me. we had many issues but tried to make the relationship work. the last time i talkd to him (after the breakup) he said, "nothing is permanent. who knows? maybe this is good for us. maybe one day we can get back together once we resolve our individual issues." that conversation confused me. it gave me hope but that hope make sit difficult to get over the breakup. i keep thinking about us together again in the future. neither of us seems strong enough to end it. how do i get over my very broken heart? are there any books that can help? how do i love me again and take care of me?

if you stopped loving and taking care of yourself during the relationship, resolve now not to take that path again. although a healthy commitment requiresa dos eof selflessness, you should never dispense with self-care or self-love. the trouble, of course, is that too many people believe in romantic propaganda. you know, lyrics like or lines like, "you are my everything" or "i can't live without you." as a result, these people make the romance the center of their lives, instead of one of its favored components. then every breakup spins them into another abyss because they believe that they have lost their center or reason for living. after the grieving that is normal in any loss, they have to reconstruct a new focus in their life. but if they had been investing all along in their own interests, friends, and future, as well as the life of their relationship, the transition into their new single life would be easier. comprenede?
the best way to get over a broken heart is very slowly. this is not the time to be hitting the the clubs or dallying in the internet chat rooms searching for a ne wlove. no, this lull after the storm is for reflection. write an honest inventory of yourself: what changes do you need to make in your personality to allow you to be the kind of friend, partner and person you admire? after you integrate new attitudes and behaviours into your life, you will develop a truer awareness of the partner who is perfect for you. at that point, it will be clear whether your ex-boyfriend is that man or not. you will no longer be swayed by the possibility of getting back together if doing so will only cause you to relive the unresolved chaos in the relationship. you will learn to savor the love shared with him but accept that it's possible to love someone without that person being the right partner for you. these transformations are possible because self-love always propels you toward a saner evolution. a book like david richo's how to be an adult in relationships: the five keys to mindful loving can help. a warning though: it's deep. so it requiresa genuine willingness to understand yourself and change.
one last thing: finances. it's important to save money, even if you can only afford a small amount out of each paycheck. even putting $10 or $20 aside each week is worthwhile. it's another way of practicing self-care and when done well, it can enhance your freedom. for example, if you need to leave a living situation or job, you have the means to do so. otherwise, you are likely to remain in relationships and jobs longer than necessary in an attempt to avoid having to do things like move back home with your parents.

try to find me:	nearing the end of my soy cinnamon dolce latte
and how do YOU feel?:	contemplative