I don't know what is the matter with me, but I am obviously obsessed by royalty.
Ever since I was 10 I kept pretending I was a prince.
I suppose it must be the same things little girls do with their princess play - but mine actually carried on to near adulthood.
Because I still wish to be a prince.
To wear the crown, live in a castle, and have some of the power...
I wouldn't be bad ruler.
But what am I thinking? I'll never be a real prince. Royalty doesn't even truly exist anymore. So why do I still obsess over this?

I will always be your little dark prince.

The cat enjoys sitting on my books.
Which I wouldn't mind if I didn't want to read them.
He also sits on my clothes, and basically everything comfortable that belongs to me.
I don't know why.

I'm starting to think I have no real friends, but I know two of them wouldn't betray me.
Other than that, I feel alone again.
At least I've been hired for 10 days as a do it all man. Which pays quite well.
I could get another full time job, but I'd have to be 18.
Godamnit, most of my problems are from the fact I'm NOT 18.
Can't serve alcohol, can't drink it (legally), can't work in some places, can't do clinic research (they pay damn well to be a test rat), etc.
I would probably be happier if not from the laws.
Everything that's fun is illegal.
And I'm tired also that some of my friends use me as a pillow.  I mean, I can listen to other people's problems, sure, but not every single week, and not always the same thing. I have problems, but do I ever tell anyone? No, not unless they ask or it's really important.  But I have to listen! And on top of that, give advice! Well I'm not good at it because I've never had a real relationship with anyone, nor am I made for it, or...
...
Oh, no, not again. I'm at the point where I'm speechless, and all I write makes sense only for a second. When school starts again, I should be fine. Being absorbed in math and science will help.
Is anyone happy? If so, can I meet them? I need to learn how.
My happiness is fleeting and is superficial.
And now I'm speechless again but I don't want to leave it like that. I mean, I wish I were normal. Not always like this. I mean...
Speechless.
Why won't the words come? There's a barrier in my mind preventing me from finding the words. Unless there are none.
I don't know. I'll go listen to Inspecteur Gadget's theme song.

Last night, I dreamed I was in a small private party with a few people. It was late, like 1 AM or something. I hired a latino musician to play a certain song for someone that was in the place, who apparently was my lover - or soon to become, anyways. I must have been drunk in that dream to think a song can win someone so easily.
Well, if I sing along, maybe.
So I stared at everyone, next to the musician, and I looked at my watch, but I realized there was a problem and the lover in question did not look like it needed to have a song played for them. So I quickly told the musician to stop (he started already) and since he couldn't, he just started singing something by Vicente Fernandez (and luckily I knew the lyrics) and grabbed my arm, walked around the place, and we both were singing that. We looked like drunk morons, but the musician wasn't - I was. He was just having fun.

Heh, what a strange dream.

I have a new computer.
It's f***ing beautiful.
And internet works.
If my new graphic card does as well, I should be able to play all the games I've bought that didn't work on my old one.
Which means - you won't see me often.
Ha.
Well, let's go!

 Hi.
Life's freaking funny.
I wonder every single time what's going to happen.
It's sure turning out to be interesting.
I'm still alive.

I'm sorry I'm that way. Sorry I'm always writing the same depressing entries.
I'll try to be more cheerful.
It's just that nobody can help with that particular issue except telling me "Maybe... eventually..."
And uncertainties get us nowhere.

If my bike hadn't been stolen, too, maybe I'd be less angsty. It's just that shit keeps happening all at once. Not a single moment to breathe through it all.

Not a single ray of light, metaphorical or real - I mean, have you looked at the weather lately?!
Hey, at least I'm being funny. Kind of.
But I learned that I won't be able to go on welfare (not that I ever wanted to, but I need the money) because I'm a full time student.
And on October they cut my mother's money she had for me because I'll be 18.
Which means no birthday gift, which was supposed to be a one year subscription to Aikido.
The government really fucked up my life so far. How nice of them.
And that will also mean less money to eat, because there'll be less income. And I can't work because of all the legal jumbo with my name, plus the fact I need to go to school full time if I want a future.

So, yes, to sum it up, all is happening at once, all that I enjoyed, all that made me happy, all I was expecting in the future, suddenly has gone down the drain.
I have nothing behind, here, and ahead of me.
Nothing.
Hope this explains my current... mood.

I'll try to find my own ray of light. I promise... maybe not all is over.
I wish I had the courage to cry.

I wish I lived on my own.
I wish it were legal.
And affordable.

But all I can do is beg a friend to take me with them for free. Which not many people are willing to do.
I really, really need to go. Not really because I don't like my mother, but because I need to get away from this environment.
At least he had the choice to leave.
I don't.
And it's probably what is making me go this insane and desperate.
I need to get out but nobody can help.
It has to be an absolute necessity that I am not a burden, though, and at the moment, that's all I feel I am.
A huge rock people want to kick in the water.
I suppose I can ask some hobos for good places to sleep at night, but the problem is outside, there's still people.
And no bathrooms, either.
I want a sanctuary. A friend, most likely, who will take me.
Ah, I ask too much.
But I wash my own clothes, I can do dishes, and I don't snore.
Maybe I should place an ad in the news, but I don't want to end up with a complete stranger either.
Hmm.

My right foot has been killing me today. It's extremely painful. Whenever I walk. And I'm tempted to cut the bastard off.

EDIT

I wish I were 25 years old. And that I wouldn't age, ever. 25 seems nice.
17 is too young. And I'm afraid of being older than 25. Not because of my physical appearance, but because I'm afraid of not having time to do everything.
I'm just afraid. And lost. Whatever order I may seem to have is but an illusion. A mask, if you will.
What an hypocrite I am.

The truth is, I just want us all to be happy again, to live like before, even though it always ends up being "The good old times".
I want it to last, not be a simple moment in our lives.
Not just for me.
No, not just me.
It's not about me.
It's about you, me, and the others as well. About everyone and everything.
I think human, fundamentally, can be happy, but he prefers to complicate his life.
Well, why don't we put down the veil of secrecy and mystery, and instead, indulge in our past experiences that we enjoyed so much?
I am no divine being, nor can I read anyone's mind, or claim to know everything about a person, but I am sure you are denying yourself happiness, and at the same time, mine, and theirs...
Life does not have to be a moment's pleasure, and then a path of thorns and chains again. 6 months.
It's nothing in the years I've got left to live.
It's a shooting star, unnoticed by most, in the blackness of the night.
It's a drop of water in a vast ocean.
A grain of sand on a beach.
But our moment, our hours, our days, our happiness, have the possibility to last forever, beyond the conception of human life and time. Beyond years, decades and centuries.

Aware of such magnificence, why do we still manage to find a way to make everything fall apart and become dust once more?
The revival of a phoenix, for it is immortal, but it dies so often, it grows tired of coming back to life.
Just as I grow tired of being abandoned, left behind, as if I were a mere toy, an object to use when needed.
But I am an object with a mind, a mind that wants happiness not only for himself, but for everyone else.
By myself, I do not possess the ability to make everyone happy. But if we all tried together... if we let go of our insecurities, our fears, our doubts, and speak, cry, laugh, hug, jump... if we allow ourselves to live beyond judgement....
I have tried, many, many times to make people happy, but they don't want my help, they reject me, sometimes unconsciously...
I try very hard to make myself happy first of all, but with everyone leaving me, turning their back at me, I can simply pretend...
And how can I preach what I barely believe?
Would you go to church if the pastor wasn't convinced there is a God?
Would you listen to me if I wasn't even happy myself?

It doesn't have to end in tragedy, as it always has. All I ask is that you join me in my quest for happiness, and let go of the demons keeping you from it. Shedding the masks may be hard, but living behind curtains isn't living.
Just listen to me.
Just talk to me.
This is my ultimate request, my final demand.

I never meant to hurt you.
You didn't either, did you?
...
Did you?

So yesterday, I went with my school friend and another friend whom I met at a GBLT youth place (no idea how they're called) and we cruised (as in wandered) the village, downtown. But first we bought some alcohol and played truth or dare in a park.
Afterwards, though, I was drunk enough to do the following things;
- Told my friends I would do the science teacher at school
- Asked them, twice, if I was handsome (And made sure they weren't lying when they said yes)

But that wasn't so bad. We went to the Drugstore, which is a.. several story bar/lounge thing, and it has a terrace. On the highest floor, you get to have a view of the streets outside, it's awesome. So us three were up there, and this girl comes around. Rachel (my other friend), who was veeery slightly drunk, compared to me at least, said hi to the girl who came. But that girl was just as drunk as I was. So she greeted all three of us, and when she came to me, she heard me speak, and said, "Oh wow, a real man! That voice... so manly!" And I smiled, replied "Hehe, I try." I was, well, obviously boasting.
Nobody ever called me a real man! Granted, she was drunk, but still!
I was also pretty annoying when drunk. I usually bother people until they give me what I'm asking for. And I say things that I know normally I wouldn't mention. Thankfully, they're never bad enough to the point my friends start hating me.
Overall, it was fun. Only one tip:
If I'm ever drunk again, I need someone to hold me in the streets or I may very well walk into a car. A moving car.

Time is my greatest enemy, but also a great ally, because I cannot control it.
And when too much time passes when you wait for something, it is an agony.
But when you are young and have plenty of time in front of you, it is a blessing.

Damned be those double sided phenomenons.
Where is the perfect middle? I've been told time is not a line, but an ellipse.. which means it goes, then comes back.
Now is the past, the present and the future all at once and we exist in all of them.
But we cannot control how fast it goes.
Times like these - I sure wish I could.

In this moment, time is my enemy, because I need it to go by faster.

I still cannot decide between lab technician, astrophysicist, physicist, or biochemist.
They all seem so interesting... problem is 3 out of those 4 require university, but they're, of course, more fascinating than lab technician.
I still have a year to decide.
I don't know why I've chosen sciences when I have an obvious talent for the arts. I want both. I want everything.
I want to be an opera singer who's also an actor, writer, and a respected scientific.
I'll also live in a manor with 10 cats and drink wine every night, except on fridays and saturdays where I'd get drunk off vodka and cranberry.

Only then will my goal in life be achieved.
Maybe I'll live long enough for that.
Why can't I have normal dreams, damnit? Like firefighter or policeman? I always have to complicate everything!
But many people say they see my in sciences, while others say I am a good actor - I'm good at both, how the bloody hell can I choose?
Actually - why can't I choose?
...
You know what?
I think I'll flip a coin and decide that way.
Much freaking easier. I'll be happy with either choice anyway.

So tell me -
Heads for science or theater?

I simply wonder why some people start relationships, wether they be friendship or romantic, only to make concerned people completely ask themselves if it was a mistake.
Especially when they don't want it to be.
Mistakes like that aren't wanted, ever.
That's the kind of thing I would go insane for (and holy hell, I seem to have attained a whole new level of said insanity.)
Heh, I kind of feel like I'm not allowed to speak. Said enough about the subject anyway. I need to find something more interesting.
Oh, I saw myself in infrared vision, and it was really awesome.

I'm angry.
There's not much more to say, is there?
Angry, pissed, exasperated, tired, bored, and etc.
But fuck, I can't do anything, can I?
Hh.
Except repeat the word "fuck" over and over, but that will do no good. Kicking objects either.
I guess it's better than the window jumping I've been thinking about, though.
Which I still won't do.
This
Is
Ridiculous.

A blue aura, is the calm, quiet ocean, hiding many mysteries and beauty within.
A red aura, is a fiery, passionate light burning inside a person.
And when the two mix, what do we get?
I hope to find out.

I do not know... where the dream world starts and where reality ends. Where the line is between the two. When something you've dreamed about feels so real that you believe it was true, even though you woke up from a normal dream. And almost cried. (Not that I'm proud of it).
Like this one.

I was looking, one morning, on the internet, for a cheap plane company that would take me to a certain place. Then I saw a good one. I wanted a ticket, but I knew I didn't have the money. Somehow, though, I ended up in the place I wanted, as if I had been teleported (is that a word?) there by magic. Without questioning this strange phenomenon, I just walked. It was a big city, and I was looking for one person. As big as Montreal. How would I do that?
I decided to take the first bus I saw, because I had my card. And it worked. So I was in a bus, looking out the window, if by any chance she'd be outside. Once I thought I saw her with him, but no. And the bus travelled in front of a place named "Net cafe". I knew I could try my luck there, so I got off, went inside... nobody paid attention to me, which was good. I looked at all the faces and after turning around a right corner, I saw her. She lifted her head, and said "Viktor! Come sit." And that's all she said to me. I left my home to go to a place I've never been on my own, unannounced, found her, and that's all I get? Granted, it's a dream, so I'm not really angry. And when I sat on the bed (there were two beds. One next to her and another in front of the other bed. Yes, in a net cafe.) And when I sat, I saw him, with her. He was in the other bed, but didn't say a word when I arrived. He only looked at me. He tried to hide it, but I knew what his eyes said. He thought it was pathetic that I came all the way here, that it's ridiculous to waste my time chasing him like that. I couldn't handle his expression so I looked down. Then my friend gave me a drink on his part. I looked at him again, holding the drink. The only words he said to me were "Drink, drink. It's whisky." I nodded and looked at the glass. He gave me his drink, the one he was drinking before I arrived. And so I sipped a bit of it. He said to my friend, "How long have I been sleeping? It's late." And turned over in the bed. Then, the two of them started whispering to each other. I could hear it, though, but I was dizzy and slowly falling asleep. Then I realized there was something in that drink. As if they tried drugging me. I heard the word "clingy" from him, and something else I can't remember from her, and I fell asleep - which made me wake up in reality.

I would have made a mistake, wouldn't I? Heh. What an idiot...

I believe I know where I'd like to be 10 years from now. I want to live on an island. Near the beach, near a jungle or a forest, far away from civilization, in a wooden hut with electricity, water, and everything, but once I'm out of the house, nothing but the sand, the ocean, trees, plants, strange animals.
And I'd drink a Long Island Iced Tea every evening while listening to music. And reading a book at night. Sometimes I'd sleep outside, on the beach.
Of course, I would need money for that dream to come true. So I'd work as... lab technician, as is my plan currently. Perhaps 22$ an hour can afford me that. And if not, I'll find something.
Ideally I'd share this hut with someone, though. It's always more fun than alone.  We'd both have our jobs, probably, and live in a paradise island.
Ideally... of course. If all was perfect.
I wouldn't mind if this island was in Europe, America, anywhere. But I've always wanted to live in the wilderness like this. At night, instead of hearing cars pass by and drunk drivers yelling, I'd hear birds and mosquitoes. Which I would have to get rid of. And every morning, I'd go swimming (I'd make sure to get a place with no sharks).
The traniquility of a forest is what I seek... an island with a waterfall, ideally, many rocks, many paths, rocks where I can climb, trees as well, so I can look at the world... paths so I may travel with my bike on them, and I'd hide in caves in the middle of the forest.
Surely such a place must exist.