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There's a famous line in Stanley Kubrick's movie, The Shining: "All work and no play makes Jack a poor boy".
It is the defining line in the movie where Jack becomes insane. He originally goes up to the mountain lodges with his family for a change of scenery so he can concentrate on writing his novel. Everyday he works non-stop, and his wife looks at him from afar, thinking that he's so hard at work. One day, though, she gets curious about what he has written so far, so she opens the script he has laid out on his desk.
All she sees is that line repeated over and over again for hundreds of pages. That is the moment when she realizes her husband has become insane.
Well, I'm not exactly in that state. But all play and no work is getting me mighty stressed. I'm about to tear my hair out because I have to turn in a paper that was due this morning. My GSI is letting me email it to him, but still. Then I have four papers and two finals lined up over the next two weeks. I'm becoming numb, because I've been sitting in front of the computer all day, and man, that is not fun. And the worst is, I want to feel stressed like I used to, with the heated skin and hyperventilated breathing and shaking fingers. Instead, I'm calming looking at the screen, wanting to feel something crazed. All I get is that aching undercurrent of disappointment and melancholy.
Next semester, I am seriously going to punish myself if I ever put play before work again.
- Mood:
numb
Currently, I have these things going on:
- green tea incense burning
- illuminating candlelight
- Enya
You can't get more meditative than that. It's so relaxing. Candlelight makes everything so much calmer, so much slower. Maybe I can actually deceive myself that I have more time to work on my paper, muahaha.
Somehow a bright computer screen amidst a candlelight shadow with all other lights off makes for a serene study environment where I can actually focus. And for once, not have to urge to watch Youtube or check Facebook. Well, maybe Livejournal, but because I want to share my experience with a New Age meditative style that you can try out if you're struggling like I am to stay focused.
Now, back to cupping that captivating holder of light and tuning in to Enya's "Celtic Moon".
- Mood:
mellow - Music:Enya all night long, baby
They're so sexy! Especially with recruiting season, I see tons of them on the street. You've got the conservative types with the whole suit-jacket/tie/cuff link get-up, the American relaxed no-tie but suit jacket style, and the plain nice-collared shirt and belt dress.
Asian guys especially look so hot.
There's just something about the suit that brings out the male element. Sure, guys come across as more refined, more tasteful, more civilized when they're in costume, but there's something raw. Dominance, control, concentration. The sharp, starchy collars, the solid colors, the carefully-ironed creases all convey that. Logic and organization.
It's almost as if I could feel safe if one of them were to hug me. Even though I don't trust anyone of them, because chances are, guys in suits are pricks. Okay, that's stereotyping, but I am definitely not attracted to the I-Banker type. But it's like, you know they'll take care of everything, because they have that command, that power.
"Dress for success" is a very practical phrase. But only once in a while. Like anything, too much of something dampens the essence. Nonetheless, I'm always open to seeing guys in suits. Maybe I should go to career fairs more; I'll see hundreds of them! Nah, they'll be too busy smoozing with le recruiters.
- Mood:
flirty
I was coming back from a gathering at midnight, and the whole block was pitch black. Not many people were on the street, the wind was blowing, and not many people were on the street. It was scary going up, because I could just imagine one of those scenes where someone... or something.... pops out and does horrible things to me.
Luckily that didn't happen. Phew.
I got back and lit up a candle. Suddenly, the whole feel of the situation changed. I felt as if I were in nineteenth century England, straight out of a page of The Secret Garden. The distorted shadows on the walls, the wind blowing outside, voices coming through the walls, it was very peaceful. Then I lit up an incense stick, and it became spiritual. Just breathing in the green tea scent and studying the flickering movement of the tiny, warm flame made me want to stop time in its tracks. If only we could have it black just a little more...
I don't really associate with my neighbors that often, because I always have work to do and have no excuse to go visit anyways. Well, this time I resolved to do something different. I knocked on the door, and next you know, we're talking about the most random things ever. Two of them are hardcore English Literature aficionados, so we got engaged in a discussion about interpretation of the text. I was listening mostly, haha. Then we just got talking about music, and weird stuff that happens randomly. I drank a beer for them, because their fridge wasn't working anymore. Yay, free alchy for me!
I went at 1 am and stayed until 3. It was really fun. Guys really know how to have fun. It's so bothersome being a girl, because we have to create activities to feel entertained. Whereas guys, they seem comfortable with lulls in conversation. And they have a blast talking about anything and nothing at all, because it's just the act of chillin' and doing nothing that is so awesome. When I was around them, I didn't feel the pressure to talk like I do when I do girl talk. That was gangsta.
Today I went to Target and bought a bag of marshmallows. Hopefully it'll blackout again sometime soon before finals so I can go over to their apartment and we can make melted marshmallows with our candle flames.
- Mood: content
1) the game where you connect in some order the dots
2) the boredom activity where you line them all up and blow them all down
I think anything and everything can be interpreted for everything and anything, as long as it's done at the right angle. Dominoes may be representative of college life in this sense.
What is it about college that makes it so irresistible? The freedom to do anything we want. Probably the most freedom we'll get in our lives to explore ourselves. It's a time when we don't have a uniform mode to go by. The freedom comes from the fact there is structure and no structure all at once. There are classes and exams, deadlines are almost always strict because people frankly don't care and can't afford to care about everyone's personal troubles. There is the bureaucracy to tackle, the bills to pay, the routines. Yet, amidst the operations within this social machine, one can frolic as they will. No one cares how we organize our schedules, or that we sleep at 4 AM for the heck of it. As long as you get your shit done, any method is fine by me.
It is this biforcated organization and chaos that dominoes project. In the game, there are rules to go by in terms of playing with the numbers of dots. In the lineup, each domino has to be lined up at a specific angle in order to be able to affect its successor at the point of collision.
Then definition is turned on its head and suddenly everything is up for grabs. One can't control the number of dots that will show up when the next domino piece is chosen at random and revealed. Once that force of breath hits the first domino in the lineup, we watch as everything falls down without our intervention. We go along with the flow. Depending on what the next number of dots is, we complement it. Depending on which occurrence happens to us next, we execute the following action in natural response.
Materially speaking, we always have those days where we have a schedule set.
To Do List, November 4, 2007No matter how well we plan our day, no matter how well we know our obligations for the day, our plans to control and apply discipline to our lives are always readily destructed by accident and randomness.8 AM- Wake Up
8:15-8:30- Brush teeth, comb hair
8:30-9:00- Breakfast
9:00-9:10- Walk to class
9:10-10:00- Class 1
10:00-10:15- Walk to Career Center
10:15-10:45- Appointment
:
:
:
5:00-6:00- Study at Library
6:00-6:05- Walk to restaurant
6:05-7:05- Dinner
:
:
:
11:00-11:30- Study French notes
11:30-11:45- Brush teeth, shower
11:45-12:00- Yoga
12:00- Sleep
Suppose in the course of walking to class, I see an old friend of mine whom I haven't seen in two semesters. This person just happens to be on lunch hour, and I sleep in my class anyway. I might end up not going to the class as I had planned, but decide to catch up with this person. Next thing you know, I miss my appointment because I wasn't keeping track of time.
Who woulda known?
We may have calculated from experience that the probability of picking a domino square with 5 dots is 1/6, but that doesn't matter when what happens is we flip an 8, a 4, a 3 instead. All we can do is respond to that. I may have a bunch of 6 dots in my hand, but I have to play by the rules and put down a 9, a 5, a 4 instead.
We may have really wanted to stick to our sincerely-planned schedules, but we go with what happens. Instead of doing everything on that list to the letter, I decide to embrace the chance meeting and to follow with what naturally occurs.
Dominoes provide us a great lesson for how one stands relative to the rest of the world. Where is our individual position? How do we balance control with controlled? How do we deal with change when we also rely on plans to bring ourselves to where we want to be? Where is the point where I will realize that this time, I should accept things as they are instead of trying to fight it? Or vice versa?
Perhaps we can accept and assert, decide and modify. Realize the choices that present themselves before us and employ them as a guiding hand to destinations we have in mind. Keep balance with all things within our realm of control and all things that we are just going to have to validate.
And even then, because of the nature of change, perhaps I have already missed the spot on how dominoes play into our lives.
- Mood: cold
I used to be really good at it. In high school, you throw a pile of work at me, and I'll still manage to get everything done by the due date. Often I'll even get things done in advance. Procrastination was a foreign concept. That stick lowered and lowered as I went from freshman to senior year, and boy, was my balance good.
The only reason I'm bragging is because I want to make a comparison before and after.
Before college, A-OK. Riding at the top of the wave.
After college (started), that's when it all went downhill.
First it started with beginning on assignments a day or two before, and getting it done on time. Then it transitioned to starting on the day of but still managing to slip it into the pile by 12:00 AM sharp. Then it went to turning it in at 12:06 AM sharp. And now, tada, it's starting the day of and turning it in a day late.
Which is really, really bad. Since this whole apathy dealio didn't start until senior year. I was still a really good kid until the end of junior year first semester. Muahaha.
I can't say that apathy doesn't have its benefits, though.
I've become a much calmer person. If you talked to anyone before my senior year, they'd tell you I always looked stressed. Or sad. Or angry. It's only the first one. Or maybe I'm getting groove lines on my forehead already from worrying too much.
Then one day someone said, "You should learn to keep your stress within because when other people see you stressed, they get stressed too." Which was especially stressful because I had just become a Circle K officer, and as a leader, or more like leader-in-training, I had to keep calm to keep everyone calm.
It took me a long time to deal with it. Somehow, it just clicked. By removing myself emotionally from the situation, I manage to keep a calm demeanor that is so important (is it?) to leadership. With that comes the cost of not caring enough anymore about assignments to turn them in on time. Goals that I used to focus on so much dim into the sunset. In exchange I have gained an appreciation for simplicity and taking things slow. I need that.
It's a double-edged sword, nevertheless. I want to work in the financial realm someday, and it could be a good thing in the sense that it's important to remain calm so I can make wise decisions quickly, and it could be a bad thing because then I'm not on pace with colleagues and competition. And that, is definitely a no-no.
My rhetoric professor confessed that he used to be a major procrastinator. Typical college student thinking. I asked him when he started being so good at time management. He said it was when he started writing his Ph.D. thesis, which ended up being 500 pages (I wonder if that is double or single spaced, hmm), that he realized that he needed to discipline himself if he was going to get it done on time while working full-time as well. Wow.
So I'm guessing at that time he would have been in his late 20s or early 30s. Well, things are looking up. I only need to wait about 10 years more, and I'll be pro at keeping time.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Mood: calm
Okay, I haven't updated little miss thang here in almost 7 months. Woot. =[
So much has happened. Having learned lots of crap, kicking myself more, admiring myself for having grown, shaking my head at the stupidities I've committed. LOTS.
Summer was uh-mazing. Circle K is orgasmic, except the part that involves work. Haha, which is probably 70% of it. But maybe I'm a masochist; without the work, it would just be boring. School is non-existent right now- fuck school. I'm in the last stages of seniorities- no cure for me. I'll be gone in 6 months- May 2008. Just juggling everything- awesome and bothersome at the same time.
So, I have two papers to finish which were ALREADY due, which I'm not doing because I've been Facebooking, Youtubing, Gmailing, and staring into space. I am so fucked up.
I promised myself I would work this Thanksgiving, for a change. I cooked and bonded with my cool roomie instead. Was it worth it? Prolly. I got tons of sleep. I got to be domestic- now I can actually invite people over to la casa Jenny y Joyceline.
Guess what I'm gonna do now? It's 1:23 AM, and I really, really, really want to get my 10-pager and my legal memo done TONIGHT. Gawd. My remedy- watch Harry Potter (which will be 2 hours long), hope that I get bored with it midway, then get to workin' on the streets! Interpret that as you will. I don't care if you think that means I'm a night-owl workaholic or a whore-slut. Is there a difference? =D If plan A fails, boil some coffee, yeah, I hate coffee because I have really sensitive neurotransmitters, but everyone's gotta have an emergency stash, and get those neurons workin' to some soft jazz. And then it's 8 AM class and busiest day of the week- yee haw!!
By the way, you can probably tell from this entry that I've changed a lot. Or maybe I've just opened a lot. Whatever you think is fine.
Peace.
- Mood:
apathetic
Circle K is no walk in the park. So so much to do. I'm tired.
And with finals converging, everything is starting to become surreal. Or maybe it's just me becoming numb to it all.
It didn't work out. We talked, and I'm glad we did, but I'm kinda sad we can't be together. I know this is the right path to go, though, because our differences are too great. But still, what if, you know? I guess that itself is taking a toll on me- it feels weird to be around him now. I told myself to brush the awkward feeling off, but it doesn't, so I don't talk with him anymore. I want to, but I don't know where to start.
Well, all I know is that I need to whip my lethargy into shape and get workin'!
- Mood: melancholy
- Music:Clazziquai- Dance
What is up with mind games? I'm not talking about the ones where one is intellectually stimulated, like the Crossword or Sudoku. I'm talking about the ones meant to make someone annoyed.
Ai. I don't get it. Just say it, or don't say it at all.
I know they're a way of gleaning information that one doesn't want to ask directly for, but still. Let's just get it over with already. I think I know what the outcome is by now.
I've been at the library recently until closing time at 2 am, and I find it so refreshing. After almost a whole year of being time-consumed with CKI, I now have actual time to just do my own thing and study. I've fallen in love with the library again. I mean it sincerely.
- Location:THE library
- Mood: thankful
- Music:Singapore's patriotic songs
Forty days of abstinence has taught me that time dulls everything. What is Youtube, really? It is actually incredibly boring if one thinks about it. One has to keep searching for videos if they want to be entertained for a while. Videos are only 10 minutes long max. There's lots of stuff out there, but we just keep watching the same stuff over and over.
No big deal.
What if we could have done that paper earlier? What if we enjoyed life once in a while? What if we had chosen to stay home instead of going out? What if we hadn't died?
Death is a concept I can't even bear to look in its eyes right now. It's so daunting. It's the nothing that is so unsettling. One minute you're doing this, the next, silence. Then what? Heaven? Nada? What?
I believe the statement that it's not the number of years you have lived that matters but what you have done with the number of years you have had. I don't want to die now. I have too much to want to do. I'd rather have died when I was a baby, when I knew nothing. I'd rather have not experienced life with an independent mind than experienced it and then have it end there. All or nothing.
I don't fear death, I fear what doesn't happen after death. The actual pain, it subsides. It's nothing. If it was, then every birthing mother would have been dying on the spot, because giving birth probably sure is a lot more painful than getting shot. But it's the coulda's that are so mind-numbing.
People our age, gone just like that. Burrrhrrr.
Pet peeve: When people mention something sad and then say "tear" and do the sign. "Tear" the fuck what? Do you even care? I think it's a very inconsiderate move, actually. If you actually cared, then you wouldn't have need to do the sign to make it evident. It would have been self-apparent. That fact that it needed to be signified says otherwise.
Maybe death is like being in the dark- you just stare into the nothing forever.
- Mood: depressed
It's dark all around me, and I like it. Just the silent buzzing that goes on in your ear, and because you're not able to see what's around you, your other senses become heightened.
You know what I want right now?
I wish he was here. I just want to rest against him and hear his heartbeat. No talking. I don't want to talk with him at this time. I just want to feel the evidence of his existence- his breathing, his heartbeat, the warmth waving from his skin. And I just want him to embrace me. I don't want an embrace of passion or desire. I want one that that expresses his respect and care for the being in his arms that is me.
I wonder what his pheremones are like. I remember a conversation with a friend a few years back in which they did an experiment with random guys and girls. The girls were blindfolded and told to smell the shirts that the guys had just sweated in, and then to choose the guy they were most attracted to based on that. The results were that relatives tend not to choose each other; pheremones serve as natural forces against incest.
In no way is the person I am talking about my relative. I just brought it up because the term "pheremone" brought this memory back.
My muse tends to come in the early hours of the morning, and bounces me off the walls of reason. I am random right now.
You know where the most intimate area of the body is? It's not your privates, it's not your ticklish areas; it's your forehead and your neck. Kissing on the lips is overrated. You want to show real affection? Kiss the forehead. You want to get real close to the person? Don't aim for their sex, aim for the pulse of their heartbeat where heart combines with reason- the carotid pulse on the neck. To feel the beat there is so sensual, no? Because you are not feeling only the existence of the body, but you are feeling the stream that feeds life into this person that you know- the essence of who this person is as a soul derives from this flow of hemoglobin that traverses this stream.
I've always wanted my first kiss with someone to be on the forehead. It just says, "I respect and care for you enough to restrain myself. I shower you with affection by kissing the area that makes you who you are- your mind."
Isn't that beatiful?
- Mood:
blank - Music:at once nothing, at once all
In the eye of the storm
Unsure how to tread
How to face them
With all these factors
With all these obstacles
Jewels hidden in disguise?
Just need the strength and will to search
Will I step up to the plate?
Must I step up to the plate
Meanwhile the world is whirling around
Not stopping for anyone, anything
Just going its way
In all its permutations
Might I take up calculus as well
And just go with the storm
Go with how things go
And just do it?
We'll see.
One step closer. Nice. How many more steps to take though? How many will I be allowed to take?
Is this a sign of trust? Or exhausted submission?
Don't know, but very curious to know.
- Mood:
sleepy
Another ad by Woman and Co:
"Playing doctor is cute. Paying for med school isnt." Pictured by a pair of African- American kids, one donning glasses, toy stethoscope, and white lab coat, and the other in a dress shirt playing the part of a patient.
So, "start saving for college today".
Commentary to come....
There's an ad by "Women & Co: A Member of Citigroup" that states
There is no pheromone stronger than financial success
to urge consumers to "start getting excited about your finances". Pictured is an expensive-looking bottle of "Eau de Parfum" by Ellen Daniels.
A simple gimmick, but one undeniably complicated when we delve deeper into the issues of mate choice and partnerhood in modern society.
Other than the attractiveness of money that is taglined, this quote strikes me for other reasons:
- its emphasis on the chemistry of courtship
- the direction of its appeal towards men to make themselves more attractive to the female
- the professional/eroticized atmosphere in the corporate world
- the pressure for women particularly to maintain an aura of sensuality in this atmosphere
Man, I can sense this is going to take me a longer time to write than I'm willing to give right now, so I'll come back. =)
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:piano classic radio
- Mood: sick
I went to class, rummaged around at Ross, went home. I barely spoke, except to greet classmates.
This makes me appreciate the active and stressful albeit enjoyable lifestyle that I have carved out for myself. It's nice to have one of these days where one interacts with hardly anyone as a source of quiet, personal time, but it can also be detrimentally boring if I have more than a handful of these days in a semester.
Blessing both in and out of disguise.
- Mood: relaxed
Today I was in my Joy and Complexity lecture, one of my Rhetoric classes.
I enjoy Rhetoric so, so much.
We were discussing The Stream of Life by Clarice Lispector, and to put it short, she's saying that there is always and already only the present. Everything happens at the surface. Nothing is anchored in anything, because there are always only refrains, in which the same elements happen over and over again. HappenING.
The professor used the analogy of eddies to illustrate. Eddies are basically one-dimensional whirlpools formed in flows as localized zones; they occur on the surface. The surface meaning the present. As I was mulling over that, my mind actually turned into an eddy. I got a mild ache whirling over it.
And it was amazing.
- Mood:
artistic
