(this is just part 1 btw) tell me if you want me to continue posting the story as i write it
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 feelings unreturned part 1

That’s right. He’s gay. Not strait, not bi. Completely. 100%. Gay. 

 

            Ok so it’s not that I didn’t know. Being his best friend, I’ve known for as long as I can remember. So how come I’m so disappointed? Oh, I remember now—because somehow I fell in love with him. After knowing him for 5 years, knowing every grade on his report card, every guy he’d ever had a crush on, every inch of his fricken life, I’d fallen in love—with a genuinely unattainable guy who would not, could not ever return my feelings. 

            I should just give it up, trust me, if I could move on I would. I’d be satisfied that I have such a great friend—a friend that will always be there for me, a friend that would never forget about me because of another girl, a friendship that would never become weird because of an attempt to get closer. I would, but my heart just doesn’t get it.

            “Hey Kat!” 

            I turned at the sound of my name and smiled, “Hey Jeremy! I missed you! How was your trip to Japan?”

            “It was ok, but it would have been more fun if you came of course.”

            I have to admit, my heart started to speed up a little when he said that. 

            Calm down Kat. He’s just saying that because you’re his best friend. He’s gay remember? I took a deep breath and smiled, “I wanted to go but…”

            “I know. I know. You had too much work to do before you turn in your college applications.”

            No, actually I just wanted to see if I could forget about loving you. That’s what I was thinking, but instead I tried to joke, “Ha-ha. Yeah, how’d you know?”

            “Hey Kat, you ok? You seem a little down.”

            How did he do that? He always knew my emotions; sometimes better than I did. “Really? Well, I just….”

            “Don’t worry; you can get into any college you choose. You stress too much. You know that? That’s what’s got down isn’t it?”

            “Yeah, I guess so”, I shrugged—because, did he really have to know what was on my mind? “So, do you need any help unpacking?”

            “Sure, why not. Thanks”

            5 minutes and a half later I found myself lying in his bed, eating popcorn, and watching Corpse Bride with him—since of course he knew exactly what kinds of things cheered me up. I went home that evening still morose that even not seeing him for one month and a half could cure me of my unreturned feelings for him. I couldn’t sleep that night; I was so tired and yet wide awake and guess what was on my mind. Did you guess Jeremy? Well you’re wrong. Just kidding.

            No matter how hard I tried, I just could not get my mind off of him—his uncanny way of reading my mind, his out of control, dark hair that always got in his eyes, his hazel eyes that were always smiling when he saw me. Somehow I could visualize him more clearly than I could picture myself. Unconsciously, I slipped my hands under my pillow and pulled out a picture of the two of us. It was taken our freshmen year by this one girl who Jeremy knew. I think her name was Laura. Laura Suzuki. She was half Japanese half French. It was a picture of Jeremy pushing me on the swings. My naturally highlighted light brown hair was being blown all over the place, my dark brown eye’s were squeezed shut, and I was laughing. I remember I almost fell of the swing I was laughing so hard.  After about an hour of unsuccessful attempts to push him out of my head, I realized it wasn’t working…and then I was calling one of those 24 hour love help lines.

            The person who picked up the phone had the voice of an old, wise, yet kind woman. She was really nice and listened to everything I said as if she were, I dunno, my grandmother or something. 

            “This might seem like the last thing you should do but, I think you should tell him.”

            “W-what?! Why?” Tell him? But then all my efforts to keep him clueless would be wasted.

            She explained  that even if I knew I couldn’t have him, my heart didn’t and wouldn’t know until it felt actual rejection. Until then, my heart would continue to hope and it would never get closure.

            Being in the fretful state that I was, and also on account that it was about 3 am, I decided that she was right, and resolved to tell him—the next day.