Current mood:

morose

mspaint image and fic, bleach.
For clockworkfawn.

Lord I'm Sorry


“Today,” Orihime announced during breakfast, beaming over her whipped-cream-bacon-sandwich, “we’re going to discuss how Mommy and Daddy fell in love and made a baby.”

Ishida choked on his coffee, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead and his glasses fogging through the sheer power of association. “Daddy’s turning red,” Tentei whispered loudly, and grinned, gap-toothed, as his father fumbled for a glass of water and his dignity.

“Daddy’s just having a coronary,” Orihime said, and patted their son’s hand with a pleasant smile. “Now, once upon a time, there lived a hardy young girl with long flowing red hair and boobs.”

(“That’s Mommy!” Tentei cheered, clapping his hands. Ishida took a deep breath and began searching for aspirin somewhere in his coat pocket.)

“By day she went to school with her best friend Tatsuki and Tatsuki’s girlfriend Chizuru,” Orihime continued cheerfully (Ishida dropped the aspirin), “and by night our endowed heroine donned her mask and wrought justice upon the seedy underbelly of Japan.”

“Seedy,” Tentei breathed.

“I’ll be in the bathroom,” Ishida muttered, and nearly fell out of his chair when Orihime latched onto his shoulders, shaking him earnestly and gazing into his eyes with the intensity of a slightly crazed lion.

“BUT ONE NIGHT,” Orihime shouted, shaking him like a small plastic toy, “AN EVIL CAME FORTH THAT EVEN OUR HEROINE COULD NOT PREVAIL AGAINST ALONE.” She swayed from side to side, clutching at her breast as if her very heart had been struck. “The clown had struck well and already the space invaders were feasting on unsuspecting kittens. OH GOD THE INHUMANITY.” Orihime clapped a hand to her mouth and, weeping, collapsed over the table and squarely into the pancakes.

Ishida blinked and then very carefully righted his glasses. “Is Mommy okay?” Tentei asked, after a moment, as Orihime sobbed into the pancakes, her shoulders heaving.

Ishida coughed into a fist, and then nervously pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. “Mommy needs some alone time,” he finally managed.

Tentei considered this and looked at his father doubtfully. “Uncle Ichigo says you only say that because you’re emotionally stunted and afraid of failure in relationships with women,” he said.

“Uncle Ichigo is a compulsive liar,” Ishida replied, immediately. “And his wife is crazy.”

“But then!” Orihime shot up from the pancakes, reinvigorated and face flushed with exertion. A pancake was firmly stuck over her left eye. “Out of the shadows came a new hero: Tuxedo Archer! YOU WILL EAT NO KITTENS TODAY, he said, NOR ANY OTHER DAY. And then, pchhew! pchhew!” She formed syrup-covered guns with her fingers and squinted darkly at the sink. “Fatality! He shot the clown bastards dead.”

The pancake unglued from her eye and she folded her hands in her lap, smiling serenely. "And then," Orihime said, "I gave him our child."



HI I CAN'T WRITE HUMOR AT ALL KTHX. EXCUSE ME WHILE I DIE.



edit: ...this entire post is stupid humor. XDXD Geez.