Current mood:	listless
Current music:	From First to Last - Regrets and Romance

Here we go again.... go, go banka sälar
Title: I am sorry my conscience called in sick again
Author: Emelie
Pairing: Many
Bands:My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, From First To Last
Rating: R
Summary: AU. Gerard runs a “company” that sells young boys as sex slaves to whoever can pay.
Note: Selling sex is common, yes, but those people aren’t involved in it. That means that this is not true. Thanks to bennizzlejizzle for beta.
Dedication: marre_barre, she came up with this idea and heaven_sent22, I love you!


| One | Two |




The reflection in the mirror glares back at you. Stinging eyes that tries to burn your skin. You sigh and lean your head against the mirror. You think you read somewhere ages ago, when you still had a normal life and any interest in reading, that if you stare long enough into your own pupils you will faint. It sounds kind of crazy, but you wouldn’t mind trying.

You lift your head up and give yourself one more look. You wish you had make-up to cover the bruise on your left cheek that you got a few days ago from a quite violent customer. And you wish you had make-up to make the bruise bigger and let it cover your whole face, turning you into an unattractive monster that no one wants to lay eyes on.

Your hair falls into your eyes; it is far too long for your liking, but yet way to short. Sometimes you want your hair to grow out, to be long, unfittingly messy and ugly, but you know you would be uncomfortable wearing it like that. And hair isn’t like make-up that you can wash away when you don’t want it anymore. You push your fingers through your sad looking hair, and you can clearly see how long it was when you got in here. There’s a sharp line between black and boring brown that tells you how much it has grown.

What wouldn’t you give to be able to go to a hairdresser and get your hair fixed? Maybe that would help you feel a little bit better about yourself, but probably it won’t. The only thing you can do to help it now is to use the razor lying in the bathroom cabinet, but you don’t want to lose all your hair. Even though it maybe would be worth it, at least it would make you look more like the prisoner you are. A hairdresser is too much to ask for, but at least you would want a pair of scissors.

There's a small knock at the door and Pete comes into the bathroom. You smile slightly at him, it makes you happy to see that life is about to flow back into his body. You doubt be will ever be the same as before Matt's death, but he is slowly getting back to something close to normal.

"What are you doing?" he questions. "You’ve been in here forever."

"I'm trying to change my haircut by will power."

"Do you have any luck?"

"Nope."

He stands beside you, looking at his own reflection in the mirror. "I'd like to join you in that experiment." His hair is about the same state as yours, but his is a bit shorter, as he did shave it all off a few months back when you were new here.

"We can wear hats," he says thoughtfully after a while of silent staring, "but that wasn't what I came here to say."

"What was it then?"

"I don't remember, you side tracked me."

"Sorry."

"Maybe we should go to sleep?"

"Yeah, maybe."

Neither of you move from the mirror, instead you fall back into a thick silence.

"...but that'll make tomorrow come much faster," Pete adds quietly after a while.

"I know." Without saying another word, you both turn away from the mirror and go off to bed, you sleeping on the couch and Pete on the mattress on the floor, as usual.

The apartment is quiet, darkness surrounds you and you think that maybe if you could lie here forever you would be happy.

"Do you think we can make it?" Pete's soft voice cuts through the compact silence, reaching your ears a bit reluctantly.

"What?"

"Escape."

You sigh deeply, for the past weeks escaping has been the only thing you have talked about. Thinking up ideas that from the start was pretty decent, but became crazier for each day and every time you had to abandon the ideas as they wouldn't work in reality. For each day that have passed by you have become more and more pessimistic, until the point when you don't know if you believe you will be able to escape anymore. A thought that makes you feel really guilty as it was you who made Pete convinced that you will make it in some way from the start. And now he seems to believe in it, but maybe you don't.

"I don't know," you answer weakly.

"I think we will," he says quietly and you can hear him move under his blanket, probably trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, "we have to."

*

Pete wakes you up the next morning, it's the first day in weeks that he is awake before you and that put a little smile in your face. Maybe things are getting back to normal; maybe Pete can be his old self again.

It's Sonny who drives you to the customer that day. You study him as he drives, his hair is shoulder length and black, as Gerard's, but much straighter, it looks like he had put much effort in making it as straight as it is. He has a pretty big nose in a face that in other ways looks quite feminine. You think that without that nose he would definitely be the Sonya he is quietly said to be.

He drives with the window slightly rolled down and the wind that is created by that blows his hair out of his face. It makes him look really young and pure, and for a second he looks younger than you are. But at the same time he looks old and wounded. Maybe his life aren't as happy and unconcerned as it may seem, maybe he is stuck in something he wants to get out from too, at least that old yet young face tells you so. It wakes a slight feeling of sympathy in you, but that feeling is soon replaced with the same disgust as usual as he takes you our of the car and forces you into a small apartment with a fat man. And it's not helped by the malicious smirk in his face, as if he loves his work.

As soon as he closes the door the same hell begins as always. The hell that usually ends up with you lying on your back or stomach in the customers bed with his cock up your ass, wishing that some higher power will make the roof fall down and knock him out of you. But it doesn't, not this time and not any other. The man just grabs your hips tighter and slams into you harder as he screams out his pleasure. And you think that maybe his fat stomach will suffocate you before this is over.

It doesn't unfortunately and when he lies beside you afterwards, tracing your stomach and contently he says that he hopes that you like this too. You want to laugh, how can he possibly think that? But you don't, you just stare up at the ceiling, wishing that he would take away his dirty fingers from you. He doesn't though; instead he wraps his heavy arm around you and falls asleep.

A few hours later the doorbell rings and the fat man finally gets up from the bed to answer the door. As soon as he is gone, you get yourself dressed and follow him out.

Another man is standing outside the door, talking to the fat man. You feel a smile creep onto your face as you see him. He is a thin young man with thick glasses and dark blond hair. You didn't believe it the first time you heard that he is Gerard's brother; he is everything that his older brother isn't. He smiles in away that makes you want to smile back, he talks to you like you are a person. He treats you like you are a human, not an object that only exists for the purpose of bringing money to his growing account. You don't understand why Mikey is helping Gerard and Sonny with their dirty business. He should be living in a nice suburb with a beautiful wife and a little child, and a second one on its way, not getting involved in things like this. But apparently he is and you can't help but be happy for it, the light breeze of life that he brings helps you to keep going. He's not around often though; it seems to you that he only comes when both Gerard and Sonny aren't able to.

"Hey Frank," he greets you, smiling, "are you ready to go?" You nod and follow him out to his car. Even the car is nicer than Gerard's or Sonny's, it is red and has comfortable grey seats and a small Eeyore figure hanging from the rear view mirror.

"How was your day?" he asks as he starts driving.

"Same as usual," you sigh. You don't want to tell him any details, because you know he doesn't want to hear them and even though he is nice he gets profit from you doing this, and that makes you hold up your guard towards him, though not as high as towards Gerard and Sonny.

"Are you hungry?"

"I'm always hungry," you smile.

"Aw, has my brother tried to starve you again," he jokes and for a second you are happy that Mikey doesn't seem to know the truth about his brother, or at least not the truth about your empty refrigerator that rarely holds more than five items at the same time. You force yourself to smile at his joke as he pulls off the road and parks outside a small pizzeria. He gets out from the car and you stay back reluctantly, not sure if you are allowed to follow or not. But after a few steps he turns around and waves at you to come.

Inside the pizzeria it's small, dark and hot in a cosy way. A man with his two children sits at one of the small tables, eating and laughing merrily. You look wide eyed around the room as Mikey orders your food and it hits you that it is such a long time since you were in a place like this that you almost have forgot how to act. You've forgotten how to act around normal people that aren't just close to you to hurt you in one way or another.

You sit down at the table beside the small family, waiting for Mikey. The youngest of the children, a girl with long brown hair, that seems to be around three years old, looks up at you and you smile shyly at her. But instead for smiling back she looks horrified and turns to her sibling, a boy that is a few years older, and whispers something to him, which makes them both laugh. You look down at the table, trying to make yourself invisible; you can swear that they are laughing at you. Maybe it is that easy to tell what you are, a stupid worthless prostitute with less human dignity than a slave.

Soon after Mikey sits down at your table, placing a big pizza in front of you and the delicious smell from it makes you forget any other thoughts that may swim around in your head. Eating is the only thing that matters. You feel like a dog that hasn't got any food in weeks, but you can't help yourself.

You don't look up form your plate until half the pizza is gone and even if you have stopped you still want to eat more. The second half is for Pete, you know he is probably as starved as you and you don't want him to still be hungry when you aren't.

You watch Mikey as he eats his pizza, at the same time as you finished half yours he has not even eaten a third of his. His way of eating is very gentle and well-raised, something that makes you doubt even more that he is related to Gerard. Not that you’ve ever seen Gerard eat, but you can't imagine him doing it with as much grace as Mikey. After a while Mikey looks up, like he senses your eyes on him.

"Are you already full?" he asks and maybe you can hear a slight tone of concern in his voice.

"No."

"Then why aren't you eating?"

"I have to save this for Pete," you answer truthfully.

"No, you don't," he smiles, "I'll buy him a pizza before we leave, okay"

"Okay," you smile back and start eating again, but a little bit slower this time.

A half-hour later you are back in the apartment and Mikey is locking the door behind your back. In that moment you don't know if you hate him for blocking your only way out, just like his brother does every day, or be grateful for the fact that he has satisfied your stomach's constant screams for food for the first time in months.

Pete is already back, he is sitting on the couch looking curiously at the pizza box in your arms, as you sit down beside him. You hand over the box to him and he opens it slowly, like a kid at Christmas.

"A present to you from Mikey," you say as he stares at the pizza.

"Don't you want any?" he asks.

"I've already eaten one, that's all yours." You are amazed at how happy Pete seems, just by this little gesture, like this pizza is the difference between life and death for him. But as that thought pops into your head, you realise that you probably looked the same way to Mikey not long ago.

"I've got something for you too," Pete says between bites of the pizza. He moves a t-shirt that lies at the table, taking out a pair of scissors. "A 'present' from the guy who ripped my ass apart today."






That was almost a happy chapter... :-0
So, what do you think?