| The Mind |
[May. 11th, 2005|04:06 pm] |
The mind has been my new brain buster... A question that came up in my head today is that we think in our language we are most comfortable in... Why must we think in a language? It is strange... because I think that we wouldn't need to think in a language, we could just think thoughts... and we would understand... this brings up a weird situation, it makes me feel as if we are more separated from our mind then we think... to take it further and to enter a semi-state of paranoyia, this could suggest that our brains think for us? But noone wants to hear of lack of free will, but this can suggest it, someone is transfering thoughts to our brain. Scary ass thought, I don't like it, but its a thought.
On other topics, I am entering a depressed state once again. I am not motivated, and I really have nothing to work towards, my grades are slipping a little bit, but not quite noticeable to most. Still decent grades. I want to find a motivation to do work, I am once again on the search for something that satisfies me. I am unsatisfied once again with the idea of working, and being stuck in the norm of society, and dieing. Although recently I have been thinking that our conception of death must be incorrect. Unless my mind idea was right, whereas we don't have much free will, then the whole end would mean nothing to anything, because nothing was started. Anyway on the topic of death, I think it cannot be final. Number one it is quite too depressing to be final, which anyone who uses logic to figure things out would laugh at this statement, as I am laughing at myself right now, because this is the first time I admitted to using feelings to favor me towards an idea. I must find something out.. I don't know what it is.. I am searching for something, and it's actually depressing that I don't know what I'm looking for. People may think its the answer to why we are here, how we are here, or any of that... That may be it.. but I don't feel thats entirely what I'm searching for.. My search will continue, because I can not move on, it has been always comming back, maybe taking a rest for a week or so, but it always comes back and bothers me, gets in my way of living a normal life. I don't know whether I like this or not, makes me feel special, but at the same time I feel may ruin me someday if I fail in my search. Of course this ruin perspective would be other people's perspective, because I would feel ruined even if I did live a normal life, because this feeling keeps nudging me. Now I'm thinking once again I'm thinking too much. Strange sentence. I need to think I believe I need to access more of my brain somehow. I want to access it, does somebody need to grant me access? Is it locked away? This could be entirely possible if something has some type of control over us. I need answers. I hate feelings, I love feelings. I wish I could not care AT ALL what people thought when I act like this or say anything remotely like this.. The idea pops up that if I were to even bring a shred of this to any public audience, they would just laugh, and I would feel bummed out. Although I wish I didn't feel bummed out, because I like abstract to norm thinking. I do not write in this to entertain anyone, nor do I believe anyone is reading this, because it is just thoughts. I do not write in a normal format as to make it easier to read because I don't even read this myself, its just to help me express what I'm thinking and possibly reference at a later point. I am sooo frustrated and depressed, not at anyone, not at society, at myself. I cannot accept society as much as I wish I could strive to become rich, get married, and leave a legacy, and be happy, and die. I cannot be satisfied with that, I cannot be satisfied with a legacy, I need to be self satisfied. I believe I am weak, and possibly semi-paranoid. I don't want help, because I don't believe in being adjusted to the norm of society, even if drugs could help me kill my brain I would be soo depressed with this thought still in the back of my mind locked up. I have no idea what to do, I feel I waste every moment of my life and am delaying things because I do not know what I am looking for, or how to look for it. This is an ultimate depression. Depression where you are looking for something but you don't know what it is or how to look for it. You need it and it eats up your insides.
I just had a spark idea, creative writing may be a good hobby of mine. If people are interested I think I may be able to spark creativity through my feelings and intrigue people through poems, or possibly stories with hidden meanings. I feel as if I need all the free time I can get because it allows me to search more for it. I think a high paying, low hour, fast retirable, job would be good. Make a ton of money so I am happy with the things I have and don't have to worry about money. Do this fast, within years, and retire, then the search continues? I feel as if I need to search now, and I cannot concentrate on anything with this idea eating my insides. I want to scream out I need help, but I don't know if I do. I am not suicidal or anything, I do not hurt myself in any way shape or form over this, possibly through grades and mental depression. But it is occasional. I don't know if I want this to go away, if it did I would be scared. I feel weak, I feel insignificant, I need to SATISFY MYSELF. I need to find satisfaction, and I don't know what satisfaction is so how can I achieve it!!! I feel as every moment I waste, through school, when I sit doing nothing, through everything, it is meaningless in my search. Although I learn very interesting things in school I do not know if it is meaningful to what I am trying to achieve. I am soo flustered, so frustrated I feel like sitting around and doing nothing until I know what I am looking for and how I should go about looking for it... Actually new idea, possibly I do not need to know what I am looking for.. just how to look for it. I would and most likely will dedicate "my life" to this search, I just wish someone could relate to me on this, but I feel as though I am alone. I need some help with this search, but I don't know of anyone who can relate. Maybe tons of people can relate, but I don't know..... holy shit.. I'm done I can't concentrate on my hw, I can't do anything... I just sit here wasting my time, I NEEEEEED GUIDANCE. |
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