beautiful girl you have chocolate eyes and milky way smile you've got calm cool moments and moments of rage intense chocolate staring me down with your little brow raised
i need to vent and vaporize my emotions. i have to sort through the little pieces of glass i've been wading in and make a mural out of the pieces. each piece is a memory, jim told me. he was the guy who evaluated me last. he had a scary interest in my entire history, unlike any other evaluator. when i think about my past it's like a pile of shit more than any glass. it reeks of boring days filled with a fear of going places, OCD so bad i get jolted when i hear the doorbell ring. anxiety to the point where i can't breathe sometimes and end up crying so hard i can't even get any air in. that's the kind of past i'm talking about. the nightmares i may have if i could get a good bit of REM sleep. friends irritating me with their problems, jesus boy and his 40 day fast always coming round and making everyone tense with anxiety over when he will leave. nutty lunatics. those are my friends. so they aren't much support in the end except for troy, who i tell everything to, not just because he's actually someone who is interested but because he's so sweet. he's so southern though. i'm all for slavery, i mean who wouldn't want a slave based on skin color? it's the greatest idea ever! but yeah, a little hickish i guess more than southern, but a smart hick. i've stopped talking to a lot of people because i'm so frustrated with life. i don't know what to do, how to get out of the house. i can only go pleaces with someone most of the time unless it's a good day or i need to go to an appointment. i have been making most of my psych appointments but i end up procrastinating at the clock, pacing and finding little things to do in hesitation, not wanting to leave the house. i have this raging headache right now, by the way, and eye pain and i just took an Alleve and i hope it goes away. i don't know what to do about my fears, but i hope i can come to some kind of resolution. i don't want to be this way for another thirty years.
we both smell like mexican food under the armpits. we both have hairy popeye legs. we both turn our backs on the beauty industry, well her more than i. we both have bad, stinky foul habits and let men drag us around by the hair.
we're cavewomen!!!!!!!!!!!
i am a cavegirl because gah i don't want to be a woman. girl, you'll be a woman soon....bleh. don't want to be.
oh, everyone pray for this suffering artist, gewiss. he is having hard times right now. he is a creative, witty soulful guy who needs financial blessings.
so anyway, back to cavewomen, we are it. we are fabulous cavewomen. i am going out to buy my club tomorrow. i guess i will go hit bcbg. do they carry such a thing?
well, anyway. my mom thinks i'm becoming a pillhead. because i keep asking her for vicodin. today she got on my case about it. stupid chris is the one who takes them for pleasure. i'm the one who is aching here.
i got to finally talk to troy yesterday. he is doing good. i have been on myspace so much that i never update here. sorry. but nobody seems to update on here anymore. and everyone is over there and nobody is here and blah. bah.
i am still waiting for my beloved meow to accept me on there. she is a putz.
i wonder what filthy crotch she's digging in to now? i can see her like a cat digging in to some garbage can. bahahaha
silly lesbians.
i am so stupid. my butt multiplies in size daily as i sit here and make entries. they should have blogs at the gym, where you can do them as you work out or something.
i still want to get dance dance revolution like gomez is always talking about but i don't want to cave the neighbors in here.
we looked at a GROUND level apartment so i can do yoga, pilates, kung fu, whatever the hell i want, i can wrestle bears even, without busting out ceiling tiles. ugh but right now my neighbor downstairs, her stupid house reeks of dog feet. she works at the wendy's restaurant in tulalip. she has two big fat hairy dogs. they leave monstrous piles of dung on the lawn out back. the heat bakes these and creates the greatest smell ever and it comes wafting through my window and screen door. oh wait, i have no screen door. the cats got to it. they ripped it to shred and it blew off during a storm and that asshole troy won't replace it because he hates me. i swear to god he is such a cocknock, one night i came home mad and upset and parked crooked--you, know how you drive in all rampageous and mad? well, my car wasn't over the line, but it was crooked and we were swimming in the pool and he told chris that the car had to be moved to a normal position or he'd call towing. that asshole!!! argh then the stupid frat boys upstairs keep flicking their cigarettes onto my balcony. i can't wait to get out of this hell hole.
i am really sad. i accompanied my mom for her doctor's appointment. she has been having trouble breathing. they had her blow into this machine that measures the output of a person's lungs and hers was at 84% when it should be 100%. i am very scared. i don't want there to be bad news. i am hoping that it's asthma. i am hoping it's nothing serious.
then chris and i fought while visiting her house and in the middle of it he told me that rocco didn't really run away, that someone left a note on our door saying 'your white cat is dead. i'm very sorry' and chris went and found rocco dead in the street. this was last month when rocco went missing. i had gone looking for him quite a bit. chris knew all this time and didn't tell me because my mother told him that with the mental state i was in at the time it would really bring me down. well, i just don't know what to do. i feel so much guilt.
i also feel so alone. my best friend nancy has again pulled the plug on our friendship because i was goofing off with chandra, her boyfriend in india. nothing serious to me, but she always takes things seriously and now i am sure it's over for our friendship. i don't know. i am grieving for so many things. i am dissociating myself from it. i don't care, i tell myself. it has made me feel a bit better.
the one great thing about my day is that my mom called and told me that i had a big box delivery. troy sent me stretched canvas as i cannot afford it. we owe our apartment complex $500 in back rent, got an eviction notice, owe the cable/internet bill and everything is going to shit it seems.
but i am keeping an open mind i guess. i just wish things were different. i pray that god brings me good things this next week. i really need it.
today i had a full-on psychological evaluation with an IQ test. my first real IQ ever. the psychologist was really nice. he said my visual knowledge (or something like that) is the best he's seen so that was nice. he says i have trouble concentrating.
he told me i have a photographic memory but the whole test results are kept away from me. i had to do all of these picture tests, describing scenes from the pictures he'd shown, describing faces. then he told me i should go get vocational counseling and urged me to become a graphic designer, saying that a major problem with 'creative types' is finding a place to fit in the career world.
he also told me to manage my bipolar disorder with meds.
talked to greg again. then after this, on the phone for an hour. it was odd, comforting, healing...he has lost some resentment. i didn't always know why he was so angry with me and now i understand. i hurt him. sometimes i am oblivious to the hurt i can cause. i'm sorry to those i've hurt. but what does sorry mean, really? on yahoo today before the 1am phone call. (just a snippet from a long long talk) eisym: you love to look at yourslef lol dorkass johnson: i can't say that i blame myself eisym: that was my sneek show? dorkass johnson: yes sneaky eisym: are you a peepshow? eisym: i have more quarters dorkass johnson: i'm a peepwhore eisym: it was good to see yo crazy face eisym: in action eisym: my friend eisym: i want one of those dorkass johnson: your ex eisym: but i'm scared the internet would shut down with my mug eisym: my ex! eisym: we dated? eisym: its all a blurrrrrrr!
it wasn't a blur. i can remember every detail of it. every smell of it. i can remember laying in bed for days, fucking for days, going up to strangers and being so alive. i am dead right now. i have to get out of this coffin. i've been waiting for so long. i do have feelings. i deny it. was taught to deny my feelings all my life. i want to cry when i think about how happy we were. i didn't know that kind of happy was available. it is! there are so many people feeling it right now that i envy them and feel joyful for them. i want to wake up in someone's arms and know that they are ready to make me happy. and not by doing things for me, catering to me the way chris does like some jamaican servant boy..i want someone to cater to my soul again. i want to explore bodies and smells and rawness and passion again. again before i'm too old to remember it anymore. but, oddly, i don't want a boyfriend. and i don't think i love greg or anything, just the remnants.
tonight jessica from my apartment complex did something really bad. we ate each other out. i had sex on the brain. she had sex and drugs on the brain. we took ecstacy and traveled to venus. and i mean it, venus. it was a nice rocket journey to the center of the earth at warpspeed. warpspeed is a funny word. it looks like the 's' shouldn't be there, but then when it's gone, it is warppeed and now it looks like the 'p' should be gone. jessica's puss is unshaven. it grows wild like coffee in columbia, just trailing vines and gardens, monkeys and ebola. mine, well mine you could play pool on. of course the ball would roll off. it might get lost in the dimples of my arse. i imagine sex with nancy would be viscuous. oh i meant to write vicious. it's a visceral mistake. boy, last night was 80 degrees. i had drugs but could not feel them because of the heat. i had sex and drugs and rasta. fireworks and bellydancing.
i want to fuck you like all of the medicine's fucked me. like proverbial machines pulling my flesh into place dripping distilled sweat all over your contorted brow shave your head and have you break down screaming i open my vagina like a cave for you to crawl inside take off your army coat and be my shelter take nails through your vein for me let me watch too i’ll lick the surgery blood clean from your performance clothes whistle the theme to ‘titanic’ in elevators whatever it takes to be normal i’ll wander down the parade route mumbling semantics twirling my baton past the burning home and up on in to the candy store i want gumdrop nipples in my mouth black corset casket enclosing me in it’s 104 outside and you’re hotter than black licorice inside my tummy baking like a clay oven until i shit it out for you the way you feed a person jell-o when they’re sick
i have wiggles songs stirring faintly in the recesses of my mind. it's summertime and yet seattle is frozen. the surrounding area, wet and white purple sky. the birds are too tired to fly, just waking. i woke up early from a dream, maybe a nightmare of gewiss and i fucking. how weird. now i sit, take a bong toke and wait for troy to sign on. nancy is now in fairy tale land because an old friend is visiting. she doesn't know it yet that she's in fairy tale land but my karmic bonus for being a good person is the ability to catch glimpses into the future for certain people. she will find a prince in this guy. he seems very nice and very kinky. i wish i had the last name pilot. no birds and an elusive sun, how am i going to cope with my newfound lust for life and living now that i'm on antidepressants, ADD medicine, lithium and supplements? ahh my journal. 'I', 'I', 'I' statements.
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marymagdalene's journal
contemplative
cold