goodbye yellow brick road

I swear I'm gonna bite you hard and taste your tinny blood
If you don't stop the self-defeating lies you've been repeating
since the day you brought me home...
I know you're strong.



Enough.
If you actually care about what I have to say, leave one.
If not, buh-bye.

Why can't I just be comfortable?
You say that I am but I'm not...am I?
I don't really know anymore. I want to write a book and tell her what to do, and enclose a map and point out where not to fall, but she has to fall. She has to fall, just like I fell. That's the only way that she'll ever learn it. I have to stop wanting to tell people what to do. If somebody wants advice, they'll ask for it. Right?

Today was really nice. I felt like I was in a movie all day...spewing out one-liners and typical situations, feeling like there was a camera following the wrong person. It was a really nice day...windy but sunny, so that it was nice and sunny but not too hot. I don't know. I just felt right, and really loved Halifax again...it actually fit with my life; and I love my life. I didn't feel like a tourist, like I sometimes do. I felt like I lived and worked and played here, and I do! I was talking smooth, and played by the rules like a lady. Listen to the songs and learn to sing along. Oh my my.

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. It's a kind of blissful confusion and incomprehension. I don't really know. I want to mad at certain people but I can't quite bring myself to it. I have what I need, so why ask for anything else?

But I'm not like that.
I work for what I want. If I want it badly enough. But what exactly do I want? Like...I don't get it. I want to be wanted, to be needed...
And that's not all. To be sharp and quick and just lovely.
To just be lovely.

School is too close, too soon. I'm going to die. I'm going to suffocate in looseleaf and white-out and music dictation books. I know it. Everything is going to come crashing down on my head like the fist of the Mainland onto the Island. And there's not going to be anything or anyone to hold me or pick me back up. Because I'm standing alone again.

Oh le sigh.
School is coming.
I don't want that.
But at the same time, I do!
This is wierd.

( I had the most wonderful conversation with Brooke last night... )

This dream falls cold
wake up in fire
burn it down
down down down
paint it black
black like the night
walk through the house
that we lived in together
furniture broken
broken like you.

gone without
so much as a trace
never again
will I be able to say
how much I loved you
and hated myself
on that last day
on that last day.

I had a dream the other night that he died.
He died in a forest fire, hiking.
Fell and fled, down and away from the flames.
But too slow.
The camera left him and panned to me.
Back in the city, walking through a round house where the prince used to live. All of the funiture was broken. Cushions torn and the legs of the coffee tables reduced to splinters.
Oh my god it was terrible.
I saw all of it, I woke up in tears.
I feel like I killed somebody.

But now I feel different.
Like I'm someone else.
And I don't feel bad anymore.

I feel clean.

Well well well. I'm glad that my YPCo'ers are doing well, and I'm sure that they will continue to amaze. Everyone else, you rock serious boattage.

So, about that NFLD.

( the story, on the pages of my journal, is behind the cut. )

Annnnnd that's the story, only not, of how I felt on the way back from Newfoundland.
I don't really know what to say right now.

Friday night when I got back, I went to Final Campfire with Bronny and Andrew and Connor, and we were talking to Shada (Mary Fay) and Wontolla, and they said that we have jobs next year. Like, we don't even have to go to the interview. So that was really cool.
It's wierd going back to the last campfire, and when you know that you belong there but no one else does, because they just don't know you. It's wierd standing on the outside, wondering what you could be doing to help, but not being able to. It's conflicting.
So Neil drove us home at like, 1:30, and I stayed at Bronwen's for all of 8 hours until like, 9:30 when my Dad came and got me. We went back out to the Lake and I slept for 4 hours and ate pizza with my grandmother, which was nice. I just...didn't want to do anything at all. Lindsay had her crazy friends up for a little party, and they didn't want me around, so I was a hermit for the day.

Yesterday, Bronwen, Emma and I went to the Monty Python Viewer's Choice The Coast Online Vote Screening at the Al Fresco Film Festo. It was wicked. We got free coffee from the Timmy Ho's van, which was pretty cool, and the french-fry man was really nice to me. I like nice people. He was the kind of person you wanted to take a picture of in black and white...so that you could see the contrast from his dark, lined skin to his curly silver hair to his sparkly eyes, shining in the lamplight. The movie was great, as it always is, and we sat on a little blanket right up at the front. I won a Coast T-shirt because I knew how many screenings there had been, and I yelled it really loudly.
So now I have a Coast T-shirt. BOMB.
We stayed downtown until about midnight, then called Bronny's dad to come pick us up. We were waiting for him by the ferry terminal, and this group of college guys came by and started hitting on us. When they walked away, Bronny and I turned around and yelled "DESPERATE" at them just as the van pulled up. Fun night. I went home and watched The Last Samurai with my Dad, which was a really good movie, despite the Tom Cruise-ness.

Aaaaaand today I chilled with Bronny. We did crafts and watched Aladdin and made perogies. Good times, good times. I watched The Bourne Identity this evening, and it was pretty good. I'm going to go make over my closet now.

Ciao.