Hunter Altman (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} maltman) wrote,@ 2003-05-02 03:23:00 |
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First Story
Notes: This story was published at http://www.funatdavesworld.cjb.net
This Is Where The Story Starts
By Hunter Altman
As the only teenager on Long Island who doesn't do drugs, I have a lot of spare money on my hands. As a teenager who is proved untrustworthy with a credit card, I'm forced to make wise decisions on buying stuff on the internet. And then I gotta do a damn good job of convincing Mom to let me use her credit card.
This all of course stems from the time when I gave mom $100, recieved for Hanukah/Birthday/Oregano sales to idiots, and said "Lemme use your credit card to buy some movie making stuff cheap on Ebay, and you'll pay me back the difference". I didn't take into account shipping, as well as all the fine Thora Birch and Shane Spencer merchandice for low to midranged prices on Ebay. I'm currently about $200 in debt to her. Major whoops.
However, something fairly interesting happened. Over the Easter break, I was abducted by a strange man with long hair, a beard and a passion for keeping the 1960s and 1970s alive, as they were his glory days. Says something about the 80's, when he had me. So Dad came and said "Why don't you come in and work at the office?" Originally I refused, saying I had more important things to do at home: some involving porn, some involving baseball, some involving music, some involving the girls I'm in love with (although I know it's only a phase; I'll turn to the point of a dull life within 2 decades). But mainly involving sleep. Dad gave me some reasons why I should come to work with him: some involving porn, some involving getting paid, some involving free breakfasts and lunches, some involved going to the Javits Center car show. But mainly involved HBO on-demand. And holy crap, is that like the best thing cable has come to give.
It's a VCR video library. For a mere $7 a month... paid for by dad... I get to watch what I want, when I want, and pause the good scenes. I'm a teenage pervert, yes. So, I watch Murder By Numbers, go to sleep, get good breakfast, work, get Popeyes Chicken!!!!!, work, and the cycle repeated for another day. I earned $70. Dave, that money grubbing bastard that he is, tried to capitalize on it, knowing that only teenagers looking for a new style, especially on Long Island, would buy stuff from him. At the office, I saw a new product for the webstore.
The hat.
I'm a conoissour of hats. My misspelling of conoisser can be taken as either anti-French boycott or a 4th grade writing level. But really, I love hats. I have an ICP hat, for my musical tastes that many boycott along with the French. I have an Indians hat, for Shane Spencer. I have an Orlando Magic hat, that I bought for $.50 at a fair. I have a good 3 or 4 Yankees hats. And the list goes on. Now, I have enough shirts for now. And I don't want a FunAtDavesWorld Frisbee, how appealing it may be to the inner dog in my little brother. The Miserable Guy shirt... if the logo was bigger, I'd consider buying it. You really oughta make a shirt of me, Dave. I'd buy that. Then sue you for copyright infringement. Then realize that copyrighting my face would be pathetic.
So, I turned back to the hat. I love hats. Due to my snowy nature, I wear them quite, quite often. I wear my Yankees 2001 World Series cap more often than most, forwards, backwards, and occasionally hiding things in it. But for a change in tempo, plus to be a walking advertisement, I would love to have a FunAtDavesWorld hat. Plus, I like promoting awful, stupid things, because there's nobody else to promote them. (That last statement never happened).
So there it was. I was going to GET THAT HAT. I did my motivational hypnosis crap, talked to myself, and started thinking about how I was going to convince mom to let me buy it. Then I read something.
"One size fits all."
The biggest lie in the history of America (and it's Chinese sweatshop slaves). One size fits all. I have a size 7 5/8 hat. And an afro growing in. That one size doesn't fit me very well. Dammit, Dave!
DAMMIT!
I'm mad now. Sure, you say. CafePress this, CafePress that; that's all they had? THAT'S 100% BULL! YOU KNEW THAT I HAD A FAT HEAD AND YOU MOCKED ME FOR IT!
YOU TORTUROUS SOUL! NO WONDER THE ONLY MOVIE YOU EVER LIKED WAS LITTLE NICKY!
YOU DID THIS JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD! I HAVE A DEFORMED HEAD AND YOU USED IT FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL HUMOR!
AND THEN TO TOP IT ALL OFF, YOU TRY TO GET ME TO WRITE ABOUT MY HUMILIATING EXPERIENCES ON **YOUR** WEBSITE? YOU SICK INDIVIDUAL!
I cannot believe you would do something like that. And to think that I would go along with it; you must think I'm deserving of the mocking Miserable Guy gives me.
I wonder if mice feel this way when they walk into a trap.
PS: Hey Dave, my friends are asking about Stormy! Maybe put a little info about her to explain!
PPS: The scary part is, it's a girl!
PPPS: And she hasn't filed a restraining order yet!
Oh yeah... shameless self-promotion: http://www.cafepress.com/summersnow
Notes: This story was published at http://www.funatdavesworld.cjb.net
This Is Where The Story Starts
By Hunter Altman
As the only teenager on Long Island who doesn't do drugs, I have a lot of spare money on my hands. As a teenager who is proved untrustworthy with a credit card, I'm forced to make wise decisions on buying stuff on the internet. And then I gotta do a damn good job of convincing Mom to let me use her credit card.
This all of course stems from the time when I gave mom $100, recieved for Hanukah/Birthday/Oregano sales to idiots, and said "Lemme use your credit card to buy some movie making stuff cheap on Ebay, and you'll pay me back the difference". I didn't take into account shipping, as well as all the fine Thora Birch and Shane Spencer merchandice for low to midranged prices on Ebay. I'm currently about $200 in debt to her. Major whoops.
However, something fairly interesting happened. Over the Easter break, I was abducted by a strange man with long hair, a beard and a passion for keeping the 1960s and 1970s alive, as they were his glory days. Says something about the 80's, when he had me. So Dad came and said "Why don't you come in and work at the office?" Originally I refused, saying I had more important things to do at home: some involving porn, some involving baseball, some involving music, some involving the girls I'm in love with (although I know it's only a phase; I'll turn to the point of a dull life within 2 decades). But mainly involving sleep. Dad gave me some reasons why I should come to work with him: some involving porn, some involving getting paid, some involving free breakfasts and lunches, some involved going to the Javits Center car show. But mainly involved HBO on-demand. And holy crap, is that like the best thing cable has come to give.
It's a VCR video library. For a mere $7 a month... paid for by dad... I get to watch what I want, when I want, and pause the good scenes. I'm a teenage pervert, yes. So, I watch Murder By Numbers, go to sleep, get good breakfast, work, get Popeyes Chicken!!!!!, work, and the cycle repeated for another day. I earned $70. Dave, that money grubbing bastard that he is, tried to capitalize on it, knowing that only teenagers looking for a new style, especially on Long Island, would buy stuff from him. At the office, I saw a new product for the webstore.
The hat.
I'm a conoissour of hats. My misspelling of conoisser can be taken as either anti-French boycott or a 4th grade writing level. But really, I love hats. I have an ICP hat, for my musical tastes that many boycott along with the French. I have an Indians hat, for Shane Spencer. I have an Orlando Magic hat, that I bought for $.50 at a fair. I have a good 3 or 4 Yankees hats. And the list goes on. Now, I have enough shirts for now. And I don't want a FunAtDavesWorld Frisbee, how appealing it may be to the inner dog in my little brother. The Miserable Guy shirt... if the logo was bigger, I'd consider buying it. You really oughta make a shirt of me, Dave. I'd buy that. Then sue you for copyright infringement. Then realize that copyrighting my face would be pathetic.
So, I turned back to the hat. I love hats. Due to my snowy nature, I wear them quite, quite often. I wear my Yankees 2001 World Series cap more often than most, forwards, backwards, and occasionally hiding things in it. But for a change in tempo, plus to be a walking advertisement, I would love to have a FunAtDavesWorld hat. Plus, I like promoting awful, stupid things, because there's nobody else to promote them. (That last statement never happened).
So there it was. I was going to GET THAT HAT. I did my motivational hypnosis crap, talked to myself, and started thinking about how I was going to convince mom to let me buy it. Then I read something.
"One size fits all."
The biggest lie in the history of America (and it's Chinese sweatshop slaves). One size fits all. I have a size 7 5/8 hat. And an afro growing in. That one size doesn't fit me very well. Dammit, Dave!
DAMMIT!
I'm mad now. Sure, you say. CafePress this, CafePress that; that's all they had? THAT'S 100% BULL! YOU KNEW THAT I HAD A FAT HEAD AND YOU MOCKED ME FOR IT!
YOU TORTUROUS SOUL! NO WONDER THE ONLY MOVIE YOU EVER LIKED WAS LITTLE NICKY!
YOU DID THIS JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD! I HAVE A DEFORMED HEAD AND YOU USED IT FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL HUMOR!
AND THEN TO TOP IT ALL OFF, YOU TRY TO GET ME TO WRITE ABOUT MY HUMILIATING EXPERIENCES ON **YOUR** WEBSITE? YOU SICK INDIVIDUAL!
I cannot believe you would do something like that. And to think that I would go along with it; you must think I'm deserving of the mocking Miserable Guy gives me.
I wonder if mice feel this way when they walk into a trap.
PS: Hey Dave, my friends are asking about Stormy! Maybe put a little info about her to explain!
PPS: The scary part is, it's a girl!
PPPS: And she hasn't filed a restraining order yet!
Oh yeah... shameless self-promotion: http://www.cafepress.com/summersnow
