Step on the back of their shoe so they either walk out of it or get a mean flat tire.
1 (10.0%)

If they're standing in the front of a church, usually nod and say "amen" or whatever. Otherwise, it's a whole different story.
3 (30.0%)

Make a mental note of it, and make every following encounter with that person a marvel of passive-aggression.
3 (30.0%)

Feel better knowing that even if I'm not responsible for the direct retaliation, they'll get theirs in the end.
3 (30.0%)

Sixteen Candles.
0 (0.0%)

Breakfast Club.
6 (66.7%)

Pretty in Pink.
2 (22.2%)

St. Elmo's Fire.
1 (11.1%)

Totally Kosher, man.
3 (30.0%)

A turkey sandwich without mayo.
6 (60.0%)

Spaghettios without meatballs.
1 (10.0%)

A hotel without a pool.
0 (0.0%)

So he shows up in hell and the guy is like "hey, did you like to drink on earth? If so, you're gonna love Mondays. How about drugs? If you ever wanted to try drugs, just wait until Tuesday. Jesse Helms, rite? Lemme tell you a little about Wednesday.
1 (12.5%)

Jesse Helms schedules a meeting with the Devil and says, "it seems like you guys have some sort of problem in your admissions department. I don't see any fags or nigras anywhere." The Devil replies, "hey, who did you think you got the idea from?"
5 (62.5%)

One day, Helms is waiting on line at the dog-asshole-licking station with a smile on his face. Strom Thurmond asks him why he's in such a good mood. He says, "sure the work sucks, but my cancer is cured and I get to hang out with my old friends!"
1 (12.5%)

Like every day in hell, Demons spend hours furiously anal raping Jesse Helms until one notices his knees are covered in his own semen. Confused, the demon says he'll suffer everything bad he said about others. He replies, "Sometimes bets pay off."
1 (12.5%)

Little Jim, starring Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin: the story of a couple bound by love but burdened by their pig child. Is it herbal tea or arsenic?
2 (22.2%)

Nellie's Prayer, starring Miley Cyrus: A young psychic girl leaves home to determine the cause of death of a man found lying next to a burning cannon. Grandma sends her telepathic messages & she is returned home, but the strain was too much for Grandma.
2 (22.2%)

The Life Boat, starring Mark Whalberg: when a storm threatens a quiet New England town, there will be no rest for the weary nor respite for the sick until the water cannon can be hauled out to sea to destroy the Buccaneer ride and the giant oceanic plant.
4 (44.4%)

The Matron's Story, starring Kathy Bates: attendance at church was dismal. The Matron does whatever it takes to reunite the congregation, from spreading gossip to faking illnesses, and the most shocking twist ending since the Sixth Sense!
1 (11.1%)

A packet of Lipton Noodles & Sauce and a can of green beans.
1 (10.0%)

Whichever leftover didn't make me lightheaded after the sniff test.
3 (30.0%)

Cigarettes and Cheerios.
3 (30.0%)

You tell me. Do you think you were the only one of us who spent the day doing shit we don't care about for someone we don't like? How about you figure out what's for dinner and I'll stick my head up my ass for an hour or so.
3 (30.0%)

Since you're asking this question, I don't think the space worms are doing anything beneficial to your brain. Next week you'll be making as much sense as renob.
3 (30.0%)

We're all going to die.
5 (50.0%)

That would explain all the ancient Greek philosophers.
1 (10.0%)

Or on the other hand, it might explain the theory of Atlantis.
1 (10.0%)

Thanks to the ubiquity of Starbucks and other purveyors of Italian coffee drinks, the Euro-cache of Cappuccinos and Lattes has been lost. Gelato is here to re-inspire the Italian cafe culture.
0 (0.0%)

Try a napkin, pal.
4 (40.0%)

We live in a society where people pay more for one bag of chips than the other because the bag has a matte finish and it says "Natural" on it. Melt some ice cream a bit, give it a fancy name and sell it in small servings. You'd be a fool not to.
4 (40.0%)

Anyone can have ice cream. Only the truly with-it people in the know have gelato.
2 (20.0%)

As if knowing that baby is 17 weren't enough to make me feel old today, there's already a generation that thinks it would have been cooler to be a teenager when I was a teenager.
4 (50.0%)

Based on his comfort level with his friends walking on a gigantic image of his baby penis, I'm guessing the prescriptions were written in 1997 and have been filled steadily ever since.
2 (25.0%)

Though the specifics may be different, the themes are similar: frustration with his peers over inaction, the cranking of loud music, the testing of authority and nostalgia for another generation. He should be just as functional as Kurt Cobain.
0 (0.0%)

This poor kid has had to make sure he's cool and edgy enough to have been the Nevermind baby. He probably wishes he could be some shut-in nerd, but he's known for at least 10 years that this interview would come, and he'd have to be ready for it.
2 (25.0%)

Tevas.
1 (10.0%)

Flannels.
4 (40.0%)

Phat pants.
1 (10.0%)

You couldn't be righter on the fanny pack thing.
4 (40.0%)

Oh yeah. And I either had or coveted them.
3 (30.0%)

I do, and I wish I didn't.
0 (0.0%)

Huh?
7 (70.0%)

George Lucas.
7 (46.7%)

Eddie Murphy. The man doesn't seem to know he should stop.
3 (20.0%)

The dipshit on the Arlington County board who decided it was a good idea to put a raised concrete walk thing right in the middle of the left turn lane leading onto my street.
4 (26.7%)

The Geico gecko. Yes, I know he's not real, but some sort of ceremonial funeral would be a nice gesture.
1 (6.7%)

I look at my wrist.
2 (14.3%)

I have become disturbingly comfortable in a dirty bathroom.
6 (42.9%)

You take the number that the little hand is pointing to and it's the hour. Then look at where the big hand is to figure out the minutes.
2 (14.3%)

Inane. Not worth 4 answers.
4 (28.6%)

February 10, 2006.
7 (63.6%)

August 4, 2006.
4 (36.4%)

Yes.
7 (50.0%)

No.
7 (50.0%)

Keaton: Kilmer & Clooney are mired in a herculean wrestling match. Bale is struggling to find a chink in Adam West's freaky old man strength. Keaton, meanwhile, is standing in a menacing pose, shouting to no one in particular, "YOU WANNA GET NUTS?"
3 (20.0%)

Kilmer: In the battle for the Ultimate Batman, the other four just forgot that he was even in the running. After Bale finished up with the memorable Batmen, he looks at Kilmer and says "oh yeah..."
5 (33.3%)

Clooney: Keaton & Kilmer decide to team up against Bale in the in the Relevant/Irrelevant matchup. Clooney's feeling his oats after taking down Adam West, but didn't expect to find Bale in such a bloodied frenzy after tearing two has-beens in half.
3 (20.0%)

Adam West: Everybody figured, eeh. I don't have to risk my starting lineup on that guy.
4 (26.7%)

Don't worry, you'll do gooder soon.
2 (14.3%)

You can never get more than 98 or 99 percent. It's like calling for a 100% chance of rain - there's always a chance it won't rain, and there's always be a time when you're fishing for the right word but you can't think of it.
4 (28.6%)

"Will I ever achieve greater than 98% Expression Potential" would have been more of a 99%er's phrasing of that question. No wonder you're lagging.
4 (28.6%)

Keep playing. It's like any other trivia game. You'll memorize all the answers soon enough.
4 (28.6%)

They should be working on the clusterfuck that is the Finance department, but they know that's a battle they won't win, so they focus on something easy and winnable that they can feel good about themselves for.
2 (14.3%)

Because they're old and out of touch and don't realize that the world has changed since the time the 9-5 system was created. People work harder in less time, and because of emails and stuff, work on their personal time. But they just don't get it.
4 (28.6%)

It's to make sure you know your place in the office hierarchy. Sure they trust you with computers and writing proposals and putting copy on the website, but you have to be reminded that you're the child and they're the parent in this relationship.
5 (35.7%)

If those nosy bitches in Marketing worried about their own shit and not what everybody else is doing, we wouldn't have this problem.
3 (21.4%)

Frasier.
0 (0.0%)

Golden Girls.
6 (40.0%)

Cheers.
6 (40.0%)

Diff'rent Strokes.
3 (20.0%)

Putting "on the down low" and "fist bump" in the same sentence gives me a horrible flashback of something I saw on 4chan.
1 (6.7%)

Maybe he's been watching too much Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. Apparently you haven't truly enjoyed the essence of something until you've eaten its balls.
2 (13.3%)

It's politics. You can't just come out and say you want to caress his flawless skin or gaze into his dreamlike eyes. Everything has to be in code. But can you blame him? That Barack Obama is one handsome fella. Edwards, schmedwards.
6 (40.0%)

According to The Friday Poll Community, nearly 80% of respondents incorrectly guessed Nathan Lane's religion. Maybe you're on to something.
6 (40.0%)

Calf Implants.
7 (46.7%)

Toe Shortening.
2 (13.3%)

Corrective Blackberry Thumb Surgery.
2 (13.3%)

Any surgery that involves relocating fat from one area of the body to another.
4 (26.7%)

Macaroni & Cheese.
6 (46.2%)

Alouette spread on a baguette.
1 (7.7%)

Chips Ahoys.
1 (7.7%)

A bologna and American cheese sandwich on white bread with yellow mustard.
5 (38.5%)

They sail right over my head.
3 (21.4%)

I'm either in an office now or have been in an office before. I know exactly what they mean.
11 (78.6%)

Nobody ever tells anyone else to go fuck themselves. As much fun as that would be, the consequences wouln't be worth it.
3 (21.4%)

If we ever told someone to go fuck themselves, we wouldn't have anything to talk about. Without the catty bullshit, it's all very boring and mundane.
2 (14.3%)

Yes. I have no idea how anyone ever made it through 8 entire hours at work without the internet.
5 (35.7%)

It's why LJ, Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn and all the other ones can exist at the same time. There's enough wasted office man-hours to go around.
4 (28.6%)

No, it fucking sucks homeless mens' balls.
9 (69.2%)

Yes, I am a goddamn retard who bites his hands when I am not constantly jerking off in bus stations.
4 (30.8%)

The Olympics Committee.
2 (13.3%)

Moveon.org.
5 (33.3%)

People who's birthday is February 29.
6 (40.0%)

The Nader campaign.
2 (13.3%)

Ugh. Some people just don't have any manners.
1 (7.1%)

Oh, well, those two other cashiers will be back in a second.
4 (28.6%)

Man, what a bitch!
1 (7.1%)

Omigod, are you okay? Where?
8 (57.1%)

All About Enemas - Instructional Movie
0 (0.0%)

Large Volume Enema Video Download
4 (28.6%)

PARASITES IN OUR COLONS.
3 (21.4%)

The Colon Corruptor Invasion
7 (50.0%)

It looks like she's blowing up a pool toy.
3 (23.1%)

It looks like she's drinking out of a hamster bottle.
5 (38.5%)

Remember Push Pops? Yeah.
5 (38.5%)

It looks like her son got bitten by a snake in his bathing suit area.
0 (0.0%)

Vern gets off on feeling dainty.
2 (15.4%)

Whatsherface has a Garganta fantasy.
4 (30.8%)

They wanted to see how they could improve their technique on what they call "The Mountain Climber".
6 (46.2%)

They just got a new wide-angle lens.
1 (7.7%)

Judge Judy.
3 (21.4%)

That singer/acoustic guitar guy my co-worker likes. You know he's unemployed, but his sort of hippieish but-not-in-a-dirty-or-mom-threatening way persona makes you not think about how he'd mooch off you for weeks if you dated him.
4 (28.6%)

Any band that used to fill arenas that's now happy to have passers-by at state fairs.
3 (21.4%)

Jerry Springer. Yes, he's still got a show.
4 (28.6%)

[celebrity MOST likely to get us out of said closet].
4 (28.6%)

[celebrity I'd MOST like to have sex with].
5 (35.7%)

[celebrity who seems to be funny and fun to be with, but not some overly try-y type like Robin Williams].
2 (14.3%)

Gary Busey.
3 (21.4%)

Andy Dick.
5 (35.7%)

Rosie O'Donnell.
3 (21.4%)

Tyra Banks.
4 (28.6%)

Gary Busey.
2 (14.3%)

"If they're gonna say we have a casual dress policy in the summer, how can they go and tell us we can't wear sandals? I mean, yeah they look like flip-flops, but they're leather. What's the point? Why even call it 'casual' dress at all?"
3 (23.1%)

"I can't believe it. When the IT guy came around to do those new software installs, he started giving me shit about my chat client and the mp3s I put on the network drive. Mind your own computer, dude. It's none of your business what's on mine."
5 (38.5%)

"Seriously? A 9am meeting? I don't get in until 9! If they're gonna make me come in early for this meeting, they better not give shit for leaving early, that's all I'm saying."
3 (23.1%)

"They got all pissed off at me for not making a copy of the report for the CEO. Hello? I emailed it out to everybody. You could have printed it just as well as any of us. I know he's the boss and all, but it's like I have to babysit him."
2 (15.4%)

New episodes of Seinfeld, but starring Clinton-era cast and by Clinton-era writers.
4 (28.6%)

1-900 numbers.
2 (14.3%)

Looking at Katie Holmes and not having to think "oh, that poor girl."
4 (28.6%)

All the snow days. When the Federal Government shuts down, the entire DC metropolitan area pretty much shuts down as most workplaces have a "do as the feds do" snow day policy. Clinton gave us the day when there was just a threat of snow.
4 (28.6%)

Paul Lynde would have sued the shit out of me.
1 (7.7%)

Most people aren't half as drunk when they go to Subway.
8 (61.5%)

Because then the sandwich would be called the "Rueben! Reuben!!"
3 (23.1%)

Commercials can't handle The Funny.
1 (7.7%)

He saw the first urinal was empty, and wanted to walk as little as possible before and after his piss. It's your fault for choosing the 2nd stall instead of the 3rd.
0 (0.0%)

If we make a law about urinal proximity, can we make one about stall-to-stall conversations while we're at it?
7 (53.8%)

He wants to give the impression that he doesn't care about nudity or any of our square "societal rules". Pissing is pissing, man. We all do it, why should we be all territorial? In nature, animals just piss wherever they want. Humans are animals, ya know.
0 (0.0%)

He really went into the bathroom to have a little bit of private time. Maybe take a nap, maybe rub one out, maybe just take a ferocious shit. Whatever it was, he did what he had to do to get you out of there as fast as possible.
6 (46.2%)

Because that's what radio stations do, and it's why nobody listens to them anymore.
4 (30.8%)

Hell, according to the Oldies stations, there were only about 25 songs written between 1955 and 1969.
4 (30.8%)

The 80's was virtually free of music that would fit into the Classic Rock mold, causing a chasm between 1978 and 1992. Even radio stations realize the need to refresh their rotation from time to time, and Grunge was the next thing to qualify.
2 (15.4%)

Speaking of Oldies stations, it bothers me when they play songs from Billy Joel's An Innocent Man. Yes, many of the songs sound like oldies, but they're not. You gonna play Winehouse now?
3 (23.1%)

You can now carry a 19" monitor in one hand.
1 (7.1%)

My iPod has a bigger hard drive than my computer did 5 years ago.
6 (42.9%)

I can easily email files larger than 1MB. And in case that's not enough, I can carry around 4 gigs in my pock