Conundrum of Conformity

7:18pm: Revelations of a Wondrous Nature
Well, its a good thing this wasn't a paper journal I was trying to keep. I would have completely lost the book by now, and confused the generations to come by the sudden lapse in time. I can hear them wondering now, "Wait... where did 3-4 months go? Were the pages stolen or destroyed?" which would of course lead them on a merry chase of full fledged Holmesian detective work to attempt to determine where the time went.

Let me save them the time. I've been busy. I've been dealing and I've been learning. July was a month of pushing hard on the work front, emailing and faxing resumes everywhere, filling out near endless piles of applications. July was a carry-over from June in regards to that. August brought the start of the fall semester rushing closer, and no matter how prepared you think you are once the first day of classes comes you soon realize that you are just as unprepared as the day you entered the first grade.

August and September rolled into one as I began to balance actually going to classes with actually doing homework, and playing the MMORPGs I love so much. I continued to job hunt, but on a smaller more focused scale. The most important two situations that helped focus my life to where it is now were mid-terms and my monologue.

I'm enrolled in Introduction to Theater, a beginning General Education type course. I absolutely adore my professor, Michelle Gaines and value both her expertise of theater and her personal advice. She has accepted me for who I am from day one explaining my situation to her. The first few weeks in her class, she kept making suggestions to the entire class about extra credit work they could do and it wasn't until I saw her during her office hours that my own extra credit attempt coalesced into a solid form. I would to a monologue about my own life, and why I was presently at the stage that I'm at now. This idea came at the end of September and it took me until the middle of October for my mind to work on just a few phrases. Then The Muse called.

From there it was a swiftly forming swirl of words and emotions, and I was completed with my task. Then it became a matter of drafting an actual working script.... I was finally completed less than 1 week before my performance. http://www.geocities.com/lizorss/monologue.doc To read at your leisure...

Suddenly, things changed for me. Instead of being a guarded person, always looking over my shoulder I felt relaxed as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. That tension may have been what was keeping me from landing any decent job because as of this last Wednesday, I'M EMPLOYED!!

I am a part time employee at Ulta and starting tomorrow I'll be working roughly 28 hours each week. Ulta is a make up retailer and they hired LAYNA!!

I'm being distracted by friends on IRC, so I'll just quickly close this out. I have a couple other topics in my head I may get to before I go to bed tonight.

9:05am: My friend Layna
This is not my normal Journal, I have my own Journal here, under the name Novictum.

Layna helped me start a Journal here, and I also asked her to write in it.

Im making this post as a return of her favour and giving my ideas and views of her.

Me and her met in an MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) Called AO, where we were part of the same guild. I didn't take much notice of her until after her first 1 week in the guild, where she showed alot of good sides and quite the dash of intelligence, excelling above the rest of the lemmings. :)

However, I decided to leave the guild due to several reasons, but she remained. We exchanged MSN's just to keep a good chat and we've been kinda chatting ever since, to my great joy I might add!

She has a very personal secret which I was honored to be trusted with, and admire her courage for telling me, and appreciate her character for making such a decision :)

Layna's kind of a thinker I believe, smart in the right way and intellectual enough to have an intelligent discussion with, bouncing ideas back and forth.

As a conclusion, I can just say that Layna is easily one if not the best non-IRL relation I have, and I appreciate her company greatly ^^. Getting her MSN that day most have been a stroke of genius ;)

And as she said, I surely feel at loss if I dont get to talk to her for a while aswell :)

Incase I dont see ya, Good morning, good evening and good night :)

1:03am: You know its over when...
I already addressed that I live vicariously through my friends relationships and some of the reasons why I do this. Along the same veins, not only do I get to share in their happiness, but I also get to deal with the ups and downs of "being in love". This isn't really so bad as I don't have the immediate pains, hurts, and various stepped on feelings being in such sharp focus as if I truly experienced them, but still when my friends hurt I hurt. I do try to shield myself from them as much as I can without lacking in compassion and empathy. There still comes a time that I have to push, prod and otherwise force someone I know to face the reality that 'Its over" and there is no more hope for trying to fix things, and to simply move on with their lives.

In no way am I any sort of marriage counselor, psycho(anything) or otherwise specially trained in "knowing" relationship problems. I've just got a few years of not only being in relationships, but of reading a few books, and dealing with problems that others bring to me. I now know the reasons why this has always been my lot in life, but I used to sit for hours and ponder why friends, acquaintances and others brought their problems to my doorstep to help solve. I've just got some experience and have formulated my own personal hypothesis and litmus test to understanding when the inevitable "It's over" must be declared.

So what is this amazing gem of wisdom? Pretty simple actually. I'll list them in just a moment, but first I wanted to explain that there are extreme circumstances where each of these tests break down, and do not apply. I'll cover them as best as I can when I get done. Another aside to note: there is absolutely no way in hell that I could even begin to foresee all the myriad complications that life throws our way. This is just a way that I have devised, after much heartache on my part and others that I know, to try and figure out when that dreaded revelation must be proclaimed. When you actually do it, is entirely in your hands.

Without further adieu, the three requirements that must be fulfilled before *I* start telling you to look elsewhere are:

1) You do not think of the other person in any sort of happy way, whatsoever.
2) You do not wish to associate with this person for any length of time, or even be around them for longer than a couple minutes except for the occasional sexual relief.
3) All discussions, conversations and arguments end without any sort of compromise, failure to come to an agreement, or continue to add to the feelings contained in both 1) and 2).

See what I mean now? Even though these are fairly simple to use, they in no way address the complexity of a typical relationship. Now casual sexual relationships to me are fairly simple. Don't like the person you're having sex with? Stop. End of discussion.

As I stated previously, these steps break down in the case of a typical relationship low. There is just a major difference between a relationship low, and a relationship over. For example: You and  your significant other have a knock down drag out fight, yelling, screaming, throwing epithets at each other. OMG!! its so over... not. From my own experience, only 1) and 3) apply in this case. They are still your significant other, and anyone that declares that a relationship is over needs to go back to class, and stop skipping from the teacher in the halls. In other words, they need to grow the fuck up.

Okay, what about when your significant other cheats on you? In this case only 1) and 2) apply. It doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over. It only means its over when they pack their stuff and move in with the cheatee. =P At that point, deal with your hurt, and angry feelings and move on.

Yet again, even if suddenly you find yourself in a situation where all 3 tests do yield a positive result that doesn't mean things are over. Relationship low. I've mentioned that before. How long should you give before a relationship low moves into relationship over? Well, considering you aren't happy with the other person, and no one likes to be unhappy for weeks and months, let alone years I would say that after a month (or so) its time to have a serious open, honest discussion. This should be a no-holds barred talk. Yes, its so important that you need to actually set a date and make an appointment with your significant other.

Now, for a piece of advice from my heart to yours: When you hear the dreaded "We need to talk" don't shut down. Guys: Don't give your ladies a glassy eyed slack jawed look as if she suddenly sprouted antennae and looks like your Andorian cousin. She loves you, and doesn't want to lose you. Ladies: Don't say "We need to talk." Its a lot better if you ease a man into it with the words, "I have something important that I would like to discuss with you, and I would like your undivided attention because it is that important to me." Needless to say, this does go both ways and men are allowed to bring up the discussion first. Dammit, its a lot better to find another sex partner than it is to live with the stress of a bad relationship. (That last was for those of you who keep hanging on to a "hated" partner cuz the sex is good)

I don't live your life, and you don't live mine. I just wanted to pass a little bit of what I've learned over the years to you.

10:57pm: Hollywood Love
I have to live vicariously through my friends relationships right now. I've come to grips with that reality, and I'm comfortable with it. I still have months and months to go before I'm ready to start thinking about anything more for myself. What amazes me though, is that though every past relationship of mine has ended in complete failure, I'm still able to recognize love in all its myriad forms in others.

My original entry into adulthood was a sad affair. I was completely unprepared for being in charge of my own life. I blame no one for this fact, but it wasn't until I started to expand my own social circle that I started being able to recognize problems in relationships. I've gone through several different stages of my own life, using different catch phrases of my own creation to justify my behavior ranging from ecstatically "in-love" to hardcore cynic to hater of all things "couple-ish".

The last few years though... well, thats where it started to change and somehow I started living my life through their relationships. Just prior to July 2002 (a born date for me, which I will cover one day) the previous 4 years had been filled with serial relationships. This period of my life started in April 1998, and I would be in a relationship that lasted perhaps 3 to 6 months, with a rest period of about the same length before diving headlong into another. This was my sexual awakening. This is how my social skills developed to the finely blunt tools they are now. 7 different relationships, with 6 different individuals all of whom I was initially attracted to for different and varied reasons.

I was never the same person with them. Despite my own assertations that I don't change, I'm as immutable as steel, and I was the same. How wrong I was. How wrong to think that I could not have had growth from one relationship to another.

But now, I have to think of love in a whole different light. Its an alien concept to me right now. Its a "sometime in the future" situation for me. I have me to work on, I have my own life to live as pathetic as it may be currently. My happiness comes from the happiness of those whom I consider close, and who risk their own hearts to find their own special someone to be with. That kind of happiness is easier to deal with. I'm just amazed that I finally get the "chick flicks". I know who they are reaching out to and why they do. I'll just let Joey guide my thoughts for now...

12:37pm: There are times I just sit around, wandering from activity to activity trying to determine what path it is that I want to pursue next. Other times, I get so focused that nothing can break my concentration, but there are very few times that I just *have* to do something to express what is going on in my mind.

It is these times I am refering to now. Since I was very young, even before my teen years, I would be struck with ideas, thoughts and feelings that absolutely had to be expressed. The form of expression mostly took the shape of poems. It was the easiest form for me to convey the idea that was forcing its way out of me. A few lines, some rhyme, not always defined meter and She was satisfied, and I was left in peace.

"She?" you say? Was there some woman, some female who refused to let me get back to my solitude unless I put down in words what She wanted me to say? Yes, I say to you. There is indeed, though the female form is the most recognizable one for Her. I have always just called her The Muse.

As is well known, the Muses are 7 sisters born of Zeus and Mnemosyne who during olden times guided poets, artists and playwrights to inspiration. My Muse is a bit more contemporary, and not as specific as Calliope, Erato, or Thalia used to be.

The Muse that I deal with, keeps placing ideas and thoughts in me that I absolutely must express, and there is nothing I can do about it until the ideas are manifested. There was a period of time, over the course of several years in fact, that She was silent. Or was She? I didn't feel the absolute desire to say what She was telling me to say, not like I have over the last couple years but I never quit representing my thoughts in some form.

Though She follows me around, and will allow me no rest until She is done with me I always have to figure out what it is that She wants me to say, and in what form as well. With the proliferation of the desktop computer and intuitively easy to use programs, interpretation of what She desires to be uttered can be an exercise in frustration. Music, digital artwork, roleplaying, poems, creating people on paper, and alliterations are all forms of Her direct influence on my mind. It becomes my burden to finally be loosed from Her grip. I get no rest, no surcease from torment until all brainstorms are released from the confines of my subconscious.

The Muse doesn't speak openly. She doesn't point to an icon on my desktop, and require that I launch that program. She is a bit more insidious. Sleep, food, and drink all feel dry in my mouth until Her needs are satisfied.

I have to satisfy The Muse now.

9:26pm: Nicknames
This is a new one for me. The current nickname that I am using for this journal is a swift departure from the norm. It doesn't give an automatic denotion of male or female but lies in ambiguity. My former nickname consisted of a bastardization of my IRL name. Well, the legal name that was given to me at my birth, but that nickname carried with it over 4yrs of baggage. I had adopted it during my roleplaying days on chatservers, not associated with either AOL, Yahoo, or MSN.

These chatservers were stand-alone places with specific html created rooms, based on themes ranging from overtly sexual to hang-outs. It was very similar to some of the channels I have seen on IRC subsequently. You could create images, hosted on other sites to display along with your name in various colors and font styles to create your own style. I was quite active in these rooms from July 1998 to June 2000, and not just on one particular server though my "main" server changed a few times. After June 2000, I was a more infrequent visitor due to a change in my real life situation. I'll go more into that in another entry.

Back to the subject at hand: Life happened and my former nick followed me everywhere, it was my identity. Email addresses, Ebay accounts, ICQ numbers, and all manner of the necessary log-ins were utilized with my identity. Even now, my more recent accounts included this identity. All that changed were the occasional passwords. It wasn't until just a couple months ago that it came into swift clarity that my identity held a lot more connotations than it needed to.

As I mentioned already, my ICQ number had been tied to my former nickname. I hadn't logged in for over a year, and I wasn't sure that anyone would remember me. During my heyday, we used to have duels with ICQ numbers. Mostly it was whoever had the biggest list, but sometimes the duel was who could log into the most numbers and message the other person first. Of course the duel was pointless if you didn't have all of the other person's numbers on all of yours, so a third person was usually the victim of this innocent form of cyber-stalking. After logging in, and recieving the commensurate flood of offline messages, I did recieve a number of active messages from people who were simply surprised to see that identity actively online.

I knew that during my roleplaying days that I had been an influence over quite a number of storylines, and my opinion had been sought out on more than a handful of occasions. It's my belief that should I have expressed any sort of acceptance on the subject matter, to the person inquiring that would have meant tacit approval and support for their cause, but I never truly appreciated the manner in which changes in my personal life were so swiftly spread about. Trust is a precarious device, and even those whom I believed could be trusted ended up breaking said trust. Not unusual by any means, except for the individual in question.

After allowing myself to be messaged openly by as many people as wanted to, it slowly began to dawn on me. This is not who I was anymore. No, not just the identity but the hours and hours spent chattering away in ICQ IM's to expand not only my personal knowledge but my own personal social skills.

I have recently started playing a newly released MMORPG. I did begin my indoctrination to this game with my former nick, but it was starting to get tedious. I was getting tired of lugging that name about. I created this current one, and I had originally planned to only use it in that game and keep using the other nick as my main identity. But as the saying goes: Its time to set aside childish things. I have nearly decided that this shall be my new permanent form of identity. The jury is still out...

7:21pm: This is my journal, there are many like it but this one is mine...
Hello and welcome to the very first entry.

I've never done anything like this before, though I do have to admit to attempting to keep hand-written journals before. I'm not exactly sure where I should start or what I should say at this point. I do think that this endeavor will be a lot more fruitful since I will have the luxury of adding to my journal more easily, then carrying around a notepad, or notebook or some other bound paper form of media. Can we say thank you internet for invading our lives nearly completely?

I'm also more optimistic that I will be able to keep up with this journal, since I can type a lot faster than I can write. Without sounding arrogant, my brain works at unusual speeds and thoughts flow through and out of me at incredible rates. So much so, that in a normal conversation if I am not careful my comments and words can emcompass several topics and end up being more of a distraction than an addition.

I would like to point out that though this is intended as a public journal, a serious look into the journey that is me this is in no way an attempt at vanity. I want to look at this as a better way of placing my thoughts, fears, doubts and successes into view, for perusal and understanding than a way of garnering thousands of hits per day. I've read journals like that. I've read postings on messageboards, and several different types of forums of interesting and articulate people. I have no hope that I will be numbered among them.

This is the journey that is me. There are no tickets to buy, no standard lay-overs, no daily requirement of attendance and you can get on and off this journey whenever the mood strikes you. I just thank you for your understanding, your patience in trying to understand me, and your criticisms on the stupidities I have created.

Welcome.