Okay, let's try this again. I'm still having trouble with the text, but it's better than it was, thanks to y'all's advice. Feel free to steal, if you're less embarrassed by them than I am:

Sometimes, I try to make icons. It's fun and it lets me get mildly better at Photoshop. Unfortunately, I don't know how to make text legible at the tiny size you have to use for LJ icons, so there's only two of the dozen or so that I was dicking around with at work that actually came out readable.

And here they are, for your stealin' pleasure:

Count my iron in millimeters, my stash is in milligrams
But when I count coup then I do it in pentagrams
When I'm on like LeBon I don't blame it on Rio
But I'm throwin' the horns like my name was James Dio
Ghetto boll weevil, USDA primeval
Watch my snake jump like I was Evel Knieval
Size you up like a Brannock, growin' beats so organic
'Cause I'm heated, not frosted, I'm Satanic causing panic
All my metal is heavy, break you down like a Chevy
Packin' so many arms you might think I'm a devi
But I'm straight outta Hades, and I'm hell on the ladies
And I'm bringin' more fear than a thousand Max Cadys
'Cause I'm strictly a villain, electrifyin' like Max Dillon
If you think that you're still in, come and witness a killin'
Murderous on the mic, king of codin' like Vic
I'm sayin' "welcome to hell, kid" – now do what you like

Now I'm made in America like the hydrogen bomb
If you want my statistics, go to deadsuckas.com
It takes a minute to kill, it takes a second to die
And then a lifetime in hell, your punk ass wondering why
I'm the Beast of all b-boys, rap's Aleister Crowley
When you talk no one listens, like you was Coleen Rowley
You promise me scriptures but got nothin' to say
While I'm rewriting the Bible just like Anton LaVey
I been sent as an omen, like Damien Thorn
Pullin' trim like a showman while you're downloadin' porn
Got a sting in my tail like my name was Pazuzu
I strictly will use you, leave you with a boo-boo
While you mess with your levels I'll be raising the Devil
While you're cryin' for peace you appease me like Neville
I'm the Hellstrom of hip-hop, the first seed of Satan
I'll see you in Hell for the high crime of hatin'

I went out this morning, as I do every morning, to pick up my New York Times. I slipped off the blue plastic rain sack, tossed it in the garbage can near my bedroom window, and looked at the biggest above-the-fold headline. It was about the catastrophic earthquake in China that has killed the only children of many people, which I honestly am really very sad about.

This is what the headline said:

TINY BODIES IN A MORGUE

And I swear to God I did not want this to happen. My brain just forced it. I had no more control over it than I do breathing. Instantly, my brain started singing:

"Make me feel happy, make me feel fine."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

2008: The Year of the David Mistakes.

I got a big post in me when I'm less stoned about all the ways this show went wrong. I ain't even need to wait to see which one of these failure conditions gets the big prize.

A strong feeling overwhelms me that the number of TV shows I watch on a regular basis is about to drop to two.

I am tryin not to be excitable about this pri-mary no more but I swear to hot corn that if I read written words of one more liberal Democrat especially if that liberal Democrat is writing the words on a web site complaining about how a certain lady candidate is being opposed by the "creative class" I am going to go find someone with sense and beat it out of them.

DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE.

Shenanigans aplenty are being had at Mad Ape Den. I encourage your visititation and particimiapationation.

If, for some reason, you wish to follow my quixotic new blog, The Destroyer Project, and you wish to do so using an RSS feed, whatever that is, one is apparently located here. And some kind soul(s) set up an LJ feed: mrgordons.

I don't know what any of this means so please don't ask me any questions about it. However, I am happy to discuss who was more awesome, the Dutchman or the Master.

This is absolutely the dumbest idea I've ever had, but that's never stopped me from doing anything ever before.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The Destroyer Project, wherein I will read and review every single Destroyer novel ever written. Why? I have no idea. The interest in this from anyone, it would be highly flattering to call it "marginal". But I am doing it just the same.

So there. Enjoy it, if you can*.

*: You can't.

So, as some of you may know, as Bibles go, I am no fan of modern translations. I think that the more you stray from the KJV, the more you dumb it down, and worse, the more you suck the poetry out of it, which is the only thing that makes big chunks of the fucking thing worth reading. But at other times, I wonder: is this a fair assessment, or am I just favoring the version I grew up reading?

To get a clearer picture of what you, the hellbound hoi polloi think, I have provided, below the cut, translations from 15 different versions of the Bible of one of my very favorite passages. Please read them and then vote in the following poll.

( Job 41:14-34 )

Poll #1186680 Leviathan
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

Based on the excerpts, which Bible translation is the WORST of those listed?

Based on the excerpts, which Bible translation is the BEST of those listed?

Other comments?

Lyrical themes of golden age old-school hip-hop of which prematurely geezerish rap writer Paul Kix is apparently unaware:

- Going to a friend's house, where you are served unpalatable food
- Having shoes that hurt your corns
- Farting, boogers, doll collections
- Wacky new dance crazes
- Picking up on girls who wear French perfume and florescent socks
- Party and bullshit and party and bullshit and party and bullshit
- Comically nasal "white guy" voices
- Being a father to your children
- Misunderstanding the ordering process at Burger King
- Singing a duet with a ventriloquist's dummy of a rival rapper

See, Paul, for every "put my pistol up against his head/I said, 'sucka-ass nigga, I should shoot you dead'", there were a million songs like that, and one of the ways that the authors of even these lame, banal lyrics managed to be cooler than you was by not spending a lot of time thinking about whether or not they were impressing some self-satisfied white kid from Iowa. Now, go back to your same old 20-year-old Public Enemy mixtape, and try not to think too hard about how you're exactly like those old hippies you used to hate back in the day who said that there hadn't been any good music made since the Beatles broke up.

So I've been thinking about starting a new website called #FFFFFF. It would be all about how Americans are super-crazy about race (their #2 imaginary thing to get upset about, right after religion). Kind of like Stuff White People Like, but instead of "ha ha here is a funny list of things that a theoretical East Coast NPR listener/knowledge professional/white person probably enjoys", it would be "ha ha here are some news items about how much white people like racism". There would probably be other ism, like sex-, national-, tribal-, class-, and so forth sprinkled in to keep things interesting, and then there would be a special message board for people to complain about how this would be totally unfair if we lived in a fantasy world where all races were equal, or mention that other races are even more worser, or to point out to my great shock that I myself am white. And then everybody would have a party.

I even wrote this theme song:

It's the hot new race that's going 'round
They're coming to and subsequently buying your town
Ooh, white people

They like to document everything they do
Package it up and sell it to you
Oooh, white people

White people! (x3)

They don't believe in racial hate
It's just that white people are really great
Ooh, white people

So all you coloreds, watch and learn
Everything they've got, they totally earned
Ooh, white people

White people! (x3)

If someone could write that up and set it to a burbling electro-rocker tune somewhere between Total Coelo and Freezepop, that would be great. Also if you could sing the lyrics in a comically exaggerated Japanese accent, that would make it more racist, and therefore better, thanks a lot.

There is absolutely no way this is not a terrible idea, so I'm sure you'll all be behind me. Way, way behind me.

Here's a cheerful headline: HURRICANE KATRINA SURVIVOR WINS $97m IN LOTTERY.

Except, of course, when you read the article, it turns out that the guy is a white Hurricane Katrina survivor. A rich white Hurricane Katrina survivor, who owns a construction company in the suburbs. And while he did lose his house to the storm -- in fact, he lost two houses to the storm -- it was not that big a deal, because he owned three houses. Oh, and also, this was the second time he'd won the lottery.

Reacting to the news, several thousand black people who became homeless after the disaster said, "Oh, fuckin' COME ON, already."

I really should go to work at some point. But speaking of Boris, you should all go out and buy the latest issue of Metal Edge, because it has an interview of Boris (the amazing Japanese rock band, not the crazy new mayor of London) in it, by me. How many people do you know who have interviewed Boris? Probably less than a hundred.

MEANINGLESS BUT SOMEHOW COMPELLING FACT OF THE DAY: more people have orbited the moon than have pitched a perfect game.

Since I don't care who wins anymore, here's some random stuff I was wondering:

1. Do you know how many contestants on this season were, more or less, professionals? A fucking ton, that's how many. I remember last year, some people got on my beloved Mindy Doolittle's case because it was 'unfair' to let a professional backup singer be an AI contestant, but dig this: of the post-Hollywood finalists on this season, 6 had been on reality shows before (Jason Yeager, Alexandréa Lushington, David Archuleta, Joanne Borgella, Jason Castro, and Syesha Mercado) and 7 had record contracts before (Luke Menard, Robbie Carrico, David Cook, Brooke White, Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook, and Michael Johns). That's more than half of the contestants. I always kinda thought it was like the Olympics -- that just anyone off the street would come in and have a chance of winning. Is Idol trying to give us a bunch of ringers, or is the culture so media-saturated that it's hard to find someone how hasn't been on TV or recorded an album?

2. Did Kristy Lee Cook's story about having to sell her favorite horse in order to afford the trip to Philadelphia for the audition ever make any sense? First of all, horses cost tens of thousands of dollars, and a three-day trip from Oregon to Pennsylvania doesn't cost anything near that much. Second, how poor can you possibly be if you already own a bunch of horses? And seriously, Brooke White, how can you be 24 years old and never have seen an R-rated movie, no matter how strict your fucking parents are?

3. Also, London, what the fuck? Boris Johnson, really? Okay, this isn't about American Idol, admittedly, but still.

- "Hungry Like the Wolf" is one of the 500 most influential rock songs of all time?

- David Cook is even boring himself. Christ I hate him. Taylor Hicks Triumphant.

- I'm confused by these Fox.com "Pause" commercials. They seem to be urging teenagers to think twice before they smoke, drink, have sex, dance, wear nylons, put on makeup or go outside when it's dark.

- I wonder if any of these people will ever actually end up in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame like Ryan Toothpaste says. Maybe! Also maybe this bottle cap from my Fiji water will also end up there!

- Oh, man, Syesha is no Tina Turner. But at least she had more fun with this song than David Cook did.

- Wow, a young white kid who likes Bob Marley. Will wonders never cease. I actually think this is Jason Castro's best performance, but that's not saying much.

- There's something indescribably sad about the image of David Archuleta sitting in his room by himself singing "Stand By Me" to a dog.

- On the other hand, way to pander with that "and all you beautiful girls" line. He clammed the penultimate note, though.

- Boy, the commercials tonight are really freaking me out. There was the "grilled cheese will cure your kids of being goth cutters" one, and then the "JC Penney presents: MILFs!" one. What the fuck.

- Ha ha ha, "Baba O'Reilly"! DAVID, YOU DO NOT ROCK. You are to the Who what Rick Springfield is to the Rolling Stones. On the other hand, the "let's cram a five-minute song into 45 seconds" arrangement was pretty hilarious.

- Way to compare your being in the American Idol top four to the civil rights struggle, Syesha. She looks great, though, and this was a pretty fine performance even if it's not a patch on the original.

- MAN JASON HOW CAN YOU FORGET THE LYRICS TO THIS? Even I know the lyrics to it, and I don't really like Bob Dylan! Oh, that's right, because you're high all the time. You're doomed, Jason Castro.

- I think David Archuleta may be functionally retarded or something. I mean, doesn't he seem kind of dim even for a teenager? At this point, anyway, he should win, but he's going to lose to that fucking David Cook. THE END!

Speaking of being president, it has come to my attention that some of you are 'undecided' and don't know who to vote for. This is because you are idiots. However, idiocy is easily solved, by a short series of four-option poll questions. After taking this quiz, tally up your answers, and vote for Obama in the election near you.

Poll #1183740 Mister or Mizz President (Wo)Man 2008
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

Who do you trust more to have their finger on the button?

The phone rings at 3AM. It's terrorists. They want to know if now is a good time to blow up America. Who do you want to answer the phone?

The economy is in the shitter. Who best to fix it?

Which candidate best reflects your moral values?

Assuming you are one of the 80% of the public that's against the war, what candidate do you think can get us out of it?

1. Use the word "motherfucker" too much
2. Atheist
3. Ties are uncomfortable
4. Have purchased and eaten aragula
5. Have advocated the violent overthrow of United States government
6. Not a millionaire
7. Blood of filthy Mahometan running through veins
8. Have contemplated assassination of president
9. Oppose wars in general
10. Oppose wars in specific
11. Don't have a problem with terrorism per se
12. Think homo queers should be able to get married up
13. Enjoy wide variety of drugs
14. Dislike shaking hands
15. Indifferent to the concerns of babies
16. Past activities as anarchist
17. Past activities as communist
18. Own four iterations of Grand Theft Auto video game
19. Once got high on speed and had sex in front seat of 1983 Honda Civic
20. Enthusiasm for unconventional musical genres
21. Would invite noisy drunken friends to White House and let them wreck up the place
22. "Soak-the-rich" tax policy
23. Intemperate comments made at Sadly, No! website
24. Probably would look slightly foolish in tank driver's helmet
25. Not good at bowling
26. Single
27. Gigantic cock would make male voters feel inadequate
28. Tendency to make jokes about gigantic cock
29. Would carry own weapon, dismiss Secret Servicemen, possibly shoot people by accident
30. Proclivity to tell values voters they are stupid
31. Unapologetic elitist snob
32. Postmodernist
33. Relativist
34. Palestinian apologist
35. Own copy of Wayne C. Booth's A Rhetoric of Irony
36. Would appoint Willie D. nation's poet laureate
37. Fat
38. Think religion is embarrassing
39. Too many t-shirts
40. Tendency to tell people to go screw themselves
41. Terrible snoring problem
42. Not insane, self-aggrandizing type A personality
43. Job would leave little time for watching TV, getting high, and reading comic books
44. Suggestion that partisan clashes be solved by fistfight
45. Would abuse power to ensure that White Sox make it to World Series every year
46. Would further abuse power to be starting pitcher for White Sox
47. Would suck as starting White Sox pitcher, necessitating even further abuse of power
48. Something involving Uma Thurman
49. Have no adequate answer for question about brutal slaughter of own wife and kids by furloughed convict
50. Nation would respond poorly to Justice League-based policy platform

Seriously, okay, here is what conservative America is saying today: "Hey, last time we overwhelmingly voted for a multi-millionaire oil executive/Yale MBA who once owned the Texas Rangers and whose dad was the President. What have you got this election?"

"A black guy."

"OMG ELITIST"