| It's Not a Black Dog |
[Jun. 30th, 2008|02:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
I'm having a gods-awful day for some reason.
I was totally resolved to go & have a serious talk with someone who has been upsetting me for years now, & try to find out what-the-hell & where-the-hell, but then I heard they were ill & even with my courage finally screwed to the sticking point, I can't bring myself to bother someone who is really sick today.
And so I'll let it slide again, like I have every time I've felt this way over the past couple of years, going from "Yes! I'll do it now!" to "Why would it help me feel any better? They'll just say it doesn't matter to them & I'll slink off home"
Two years of my LJ are locked because of this. Because of the depression caused by this. Because I kept whining about this, & no-one needs to read it, & here I am, doing it AGAIN.
Just when I think I can make some new friends, this business creeps back into my head, the voice that says "Ah, but if they REALLY knew you like your oldest friend did, they'd drop you too, 'cos you're not really fun to be around, & outgoing, you're annoying & self-obsessed."
Certain folk tell me to get over it, that I'm just hurting myself, & if this were a lover, I'd have told myself the same thing years ago & started dating someone else, but somehow, this hits me right where it hurts, & just refuses to heal. Maybe it's the fact that we agreed to try & patch it up, but then nothing happened... There's been some big events in my last couple of years, & I kept expecting a comment on my LJ, a knock on my door, some touch of civility, if not the hand of friendship. Oh, & I try to go over & say hello every few months, but it's just that: every few months. Me walking on eggshells trying not to wind them up, checking my watch so that I only stay a few minutes, hoping that if we just see each-other briefly now & then, it'll hurt less, or they'll see I'm not the antichrist & we can behave like acquaintances from long ago, if nothing else.
If I could say 'Screw them, I have other friends' I really would, & there have been times when I didn't think of them for days on end, & then times when I lay awake at night, wondering what would happen if I just walked over to their house & talked it over.
What do I want? My friend back? A sense of closure? To be told to go fuck myself? An apology or explanation? A good old stand-up fight?
I still don't know. I wish I understood. I feel so utterly judged & found wanting.
This morning, I asked what I used to be miserable about before all this happened, & he said "Weight gain" but what was I miserable about when I was really thin? Not having curves, perhaps? Maybe women just aren't ever truly happy. Or people. Who knows?
Please don't go comment-crazy on my next entry, because if I blogged for sympathy, I'd not have hand-locked hundreds of posts, one by one.
I just wanted to say this stuff out loud, as it were. |
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lucybond's journal
lumpy
bouncy
thoughtful
hungry
weird
chipper
tired
angry
surprised
contemplative
new keyboard soon
sick
hot
awake
busy
cheerful