a mess for words

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. - William Wordsworth

he's in it for the chase
of the matter
--not because i matter
he's in it for the smile
i cause to creep upon his face
onto his light pink lips
i've always had this urge to kiss, kiss
and he's in it for the glow
in knowing i can't get enough of him
through the blush i still attempt to hide in
(because i have the hardest time hiding it)
but deep down inside,
we both know--he'll never give in
or succumb to what i could give him
because his eyes, they don't rely
on just how lovely this prize is
but on what a thrill it is
of somehow, someway,
getting his way
through my door
... and nothing else,
nothing more.

undefined lines
november seven two-thou-seven

when my fingers speak to the words of the small of your back, i find this to be my favorite type of discussion. punctuated with kisses on my collarbone. legs, bodies positioning into an ellipses of things better off unspoken. resulting in question marked eyes turning into exclamation marks of surprise and exhaustion at the same time, ending this hour long run-on sentence with the most comfortable period of a satisfied smile. afterwards, we whisper secretly of things that don't need to be ever said (but should be known anyway), letting them somehow slip in between the parenthesis of our mouths as they travel line by line from our doubled-over hearts into our burning ears. and though the writing in this room seems to be unclear, there is one thing that is clear: it is a moment so defining, it could not be defined.

and all i really know from this, and in terms of you and me, it's that -- i would never want there to ever be a last line.

if we are anything at all
october sixteen two-thou-seven

if we are anything at all,
we are drinks and more drinks
and sweet, sweet drunkeness
by means of your whiskey, jack and coke
and my fancy cocktails in fancy shiny glasses
touching the center of our mouths,

we are touching, touching
of the most discreet kind
underneath tables, bars and slip-on dresses
(making us what people might think
unbelievable dysfunctional messes)

we are shadowy figures of the night
in fifty dollar darkened cabs
underlying with full intentions
of engaging in backseat trysts
with what could only be our wandering lips
that keep accidentally meeting
with open mouth kisses
while your hand, somehow, keeps slipping
because i let it
only to leave me wanting more

and outside of all of that
we are a push and pull
and a further push push away
from what we might really want
to happen between us

and we are these misinterpreted words
and a lack of communication
and incredibly high walls
with no interest in climbing them at all
but yet we still can't help but
flirt with the idea
of you and me
or you in me
and you, buying me, my next drink.

"There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved."

I worry sometimes that this is true, and sometimes I wish it wasn't.

"Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense."

-e.e. cummings

all she really needs
may sixteen; 2007

her body felt immobile afterwards,
as it always had
after an hour of skin on skin collision
discarded clothes scattered on the floor
him not wanting to stop
him only wanting more
with her in his possession,
he was yet again emergent
eager, urgent to pursue
but she, she was a bit phobic
of what the situation would turn into..
one minute they were simply being chatty
and the next they were inside sweaty sheets
with their lower bodies meeting
second after second on repeat
it was a sensation she didn't want to leave
but she wasn't sure she could handle
and in the matters of body over heart
she couldn't help but agree
with the moment and the movement
and the height of their activity
she passionately screamed yes, yes, YES..
as their tangled limbs collapsed
exhausted, defeated, she gave herself in
it wasn't worth the thought involved
it was only worth the feeling
and if this one moment satisfied that
then maybe, maybe this was all she really needed

he stood by the shore, turned around and told me:
it isn't never, it's only now.

and all i could say was: tell me never.

--

we lie around your room; when outside of it, we pretend it's nothing, but inside, inside -- it's always something.
and with my head inside the nook of your arm, i wonder where this is going.
it's not never, it's only now you tell me, but i want you to say never because we both know how much "now" holds on to too much hope. too much for my own good.

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -Erica Jong

the great advantage of being alive
(instead of undying) is not so much
that mind no more can disprove than prove
what heart may feel and soul may touch
--the great(my darling)happens to be
that love are in we,that love are in we

and here is a secret they never will share
for whom create is less than have
or one times one than when times where--
that we are in love,that we are in love:
with us they've nothing times nothing to do
(for love are in we am in i are in you)

this world(as timorous itsters all
to call their cowardice quite agree)
shall never discover our touch and feel
--for love are in we are in love are in we;
for you are and i am and we are(above
and under all possible worlds)in love

a billion brains may coax undeath
from fancied fact and spaceful time--
no heart can leap,no soul can breathe
but by the sizeless truth of a dream
whose sleep is the sky and the earth and the sea.
For love are in you am in i are in we

-e.e. cummings

may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she


(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she


(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)


may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she


may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she


but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she


(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she


(cccome?said he
ummm said she)
you're divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

-e.e. cummings

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

-e.e. cummings

I don't know how or why he does it, but he always seems to catch me at my weakest moment.

It always feels like a huge risk on my heart everytime I choose to see you again.

And even though I prepare for this battle each and every time, I still feel like I lose a little of myself in you.

sometimes i fear that one day i won't remember what it was like to be in love. is it all that amazing? is it s'wonderful, s'marvelous as the eyes can see? as the heart can feel?

You couldn't have asked for a better, more kinder, more personable person to work for. But that was the problem with your relationship and everybody else in the office knew it. You wouldn’t have been surprised if they thought something was going on between you two, but there wasn’t – it was strictly an office relationship turned friendship, but everyone could see that friendship ranked higher over anything else and they couldn’t stand to see things that way. It was because he let you get away with everything even though you both knew he was the boss and he had the right to command you to do what he wanted you or needed you to do. But because he never forced you to do anything you didn’t really want to do, half the time you always got away with not doing anything at all. And that, in the end, became a huge problem because pressure came down hard on both of you and when neither of you could produce results that seemed unfathomable to begin with, you decided to leave and he was eventually let go.

It was sad the way you two went your separate ways, but that’s how it was supposed to be. You couldn’t take it at that job anymore and you didn’t want to be there if he was planning on leaving as well (which he was). And so it’s more than a year later and you two haven’t kept in touch like you always thought you would if you ever decided to leave the job. But he really is just an email anyway. You insist everytime you see a familiar face from your old job that you will reach out again, but you never get around to doing it. But you should. He’s only an email anyway.

Because you miss him, his jokes, his laughter, his goofy grin and dorky ways. How he thought he was a good dancer, how he was always trying to teach you new things, how he was determined to be the best Marketing Manager he could be. And despite all the tension in the office, how he still manage to have a good laugh with the rest of you when you and your other coworkers post-it note his desk area and toilet paper his chair for his 29th birthday. He was young at heart and that’s what you loved most about it. That’s what made him a great person and in turn, that’s what made him a better boss (to those who were younger than him).

He really made that summer after college a good one because of how personable he was with you and the other interns when you started there. And even though your friendship was a part of what costs both of your jobs to be harder, you don’t regret it, because in him, you had made a great friend after all and to you, this made him the epitome of what you think would be the perfect boss.



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It's kind of admirable seeing someone younger than you handling heartbreak so much more easily. Why is that, you wonder.

Maybe it's because it's not as real. Or maybe, it's because you're not that strong, after all.

It was just a mere coincidence that you two ended up not only going to the same junior high, but the same highschool and college as well. Because of this, he used to joke that this coincidence could have only meant that you were stalking him that whole time. But one time after college, he ended up seeing you randomly in the street and called out your name say hi and you flipped the joke around on him by saying "Who's stalking who now?"

But he was a lovable guy nonetheless. Big, lovable and huggable. Unfortunately you never really got to hug him, but you can only imagine the warmth he's hiding within his arms. You first came across his silly grin in the in the hallways of junior high when he put his arm around you and said "Hey, baby. How's it going?" And your natural reaction was disgust just because he was a boy you didn't know touching you like he knew you. But that was the jokester in him and that was made him a charismatic person. You couldn't help but like him for being that funny guy, your typical class clown. He always had something to say and laughter always seemed to be the inevitable outcome.

Although you two never grew close, you definitely were able to see him somewhat transform from being another immature jokester of a guy to a more mature version of himself. To you, it was just nice to see that some guys like him could mature after all, while other guys still managed to stay the same after even four years down the road.

Somehow, you found each other again through the wonders of the internet and he still seems like he had that same funny guy in him, which was comforting to know because ultimately that's what you loved about him the most.



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I hate that he just easily makes me fall in love with him again by just saying the simplest of words.


I guess that's how it'll always be with first loves.

You haven't personally met her, but like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, she has both red hair and the most beautiful singing voice you have ever heard. It's likely that she knows this and maybe it the reason why she sings while she walks around the office all day, every day. But everytime she does walk by, you always find yourself giggling at her.

To you, this makes her seem a little crazy, and you can't help but wonder if you're the only one in the office who thinks so.



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