As if I've never worked before, I am feeling so insecure about my work capabilities. As if...

But it's really that I am too hard on myself. I'm not supposed to know all the answers just yet, and I'm way too uptight for my own good.

But I do feel kinda stupid when my supervisor asks me to do a seemingly simple task and I don't know where to even begin. At the same time, I don't know which resources are available to me...and that's why I don't know where to begin. It's not that I can't do the task.

But I still feel silly and insecure about it. I do ask questions, though. There is so much about the program and how it operates that I don't know yet that I really don't know what to ask and the questions I do ask don't make sense to supervisor because she actually knows what's going on. Even so, she's very nice. VERY busy, but nice.

I left work feeling really incapable (therefore sad), but I'm over it. I've had time to process, and tomorrow will be another day.

Otherwise, things are going decently. I'm gonna meet up with Mito tomorrow... it's been 2 years since we last saw each other, so yay! And then I'm gonna go home. But this will seriously be the shortest trip ever. Either a weekend is never enough time for anything or I don't have that much money to spend just to go somewhere for less than 2 days. Or both.

Anyway...so in my funky state, I walked right over to McDonalds to get some lunch. Why did I feel so self-conscious about licking my fingers? lol No one was even watching.

Let's see how things go.

Finished Purple Hibiscus. Extremely well-written. I must say, there is a special place in my heart for Latin American writers and African women writers. A special place.

I think I can relate to the main character more than I would like to admit. Despite my lack of ever visiting or living in West Africa, I felt that I could visualize everything... every location. At the same time, it made me feel as though I don't even know what it's really like to be there.

I think I'm hypersensitive to that primarily because I hung with my Nigerian doctor friends yesterday (and it was really great, btw). Of course, I can't understand pidgin English, but I can catch the drift... moreso than I could Twi. And I didn't even feel separated from them in that way. In fact, there was no point where I really felt separated from them at all. But when they spoke about life in Nigeria, I couldn't relate, and I wished that I could. How they love it, yet are dissatisfied with it...I could only sympathize.

And I recognize that even if I grew up in Ghana like my parents did, I wouldn't have been able to completely relate. But Naija people and Ghanaians aren't that different. In fact, I would say that we are more similar than the countries we actually border...primarily because they are Francophone.

Really, I didn't mean to write all this. lol I always say that. But seriously, I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading the book and I made brownies today, which I ate too many of. That is all...

Edit: Lovin' this. LOL My part is the part where he's eating American food... talkin about "Forget rap money, I never push... call me 'oil money' yes cuz I'm so Bush!"

-I'm gonna be sore in the morning. In fact, I'm sore now. I think I pulled my quad muscles tryna "get low." I'm too old for all that. And out of shape.

-I did a lot of walking today, and not because I felt like walking.

-Is it bad to laugh at someone while you're dancing with them?

-I think I was mean spirited today, but it's okay.

-A club that plays "Whomp There It Is" during the time when the hot mixes are supposed to be played...still undecided, but leaning towards NO. Although they had me at the first "Whomp," I must admit.

-I'm giggling to myself that I probably have the wrong title because there's a "Whoop" and there's a "Whomp." But who really cares?

-I love my roomie. And her cat.

-In general, men do not know how to approach women...but that is not new.

-::yawn::

-Today was actually a good, yet busy day.

-Everyone and their momma is getting married.

-I'm really tired now.

Two days in a row, my site has ads talking about "Paid for by John McCain." I didn't ask him to come in and set up shop on my page! I tried to recustomize, and it still shows...

I don't think there is a more annoying judge on reality TV than Mary Murphy... or whatever her name is. The one in the middle. That's why I watch the clips online. lol

Upon viewing my financial status online,
the thought "Love don't pay the bills, though"
came to mind.

It's true,
As I sat there
staring at the lack of zeros
to the left of the decimal point.

I worry,
So I went into Survival Mode,
Been there before.
We're close but not friends.

Thought about the most efficient way
to spend my five dollars
at the grocery store.

Thought about the checks that will surely bounce
if I don't find some source of income.
Immediately.

Thought about what
anyone's love
has ever done for me.

Well...someone had enough mercy on me
to keep me fed.
I have clothes.
Clean clothes.

When my family was without a home,
someone loved us enough to keep us sheltered.
Even now, when I'm as broke as can be,
someone, in fact, many...
loved me enough to try and help me.

I, too,
have had the opportunity to demonstrate my love,
my compassion,
my mercy
on others.

Upon proper evaluation,
I may have to modify my thoughts and beliefs...
No, love does not officially pay my rent,
my car note or insurance,
my grocery bill,
and DEFINITELY NOT
That demon of a credit card bill...
But it does something.

So...most of you know my story. It's funny because to Americans, I'm the African girl. To Africans, I'm the American girl. In reality, I'm not quite either one.

So, last week at the BBQ, I was chattin it up with some friends. One of them is a Nigerian that went to med school in Ghana. As we were leaving, something I said prompted her to ask me:

"Are you SURE you've never been to Ghana before?? Because you act like a true Ghanaian."

In some sort of twisted way, that made me feel special.

Yea, we can get into the whole discussion of "What does a Ghanaian reaalllly act like??" I must really be one because I understood what she meant.

So... here I am. Some cultural intermediate.

It's been so long since I've just... written. I have so many stories in my head. Not all of them are fictitious, but I just have these thoughts inside of me that are all jumbled together, stories being told simultaneously in my mind...

...and I have to sort them out like many spools of unraveled thread thrown in a basket.

I almost had the nerve to send Amana an email yesterday. The email. Not that I lost the nerve, but I'm in that stubborn mode where I'm going to wait to see when I next hear from him on his own accord. He will. I just don't wanna seem like a bugaboo.

Purple Hibiscus is turning out to be such a beautiful story. I'm very early into the book, but it's just so vivid and it has depth. But, then again, I could be partial to African woman writers. Our next book is going to be Brick Lane, which I understand is a story surrounding a woman from Bangladesh. That's gonna be new for me, but very welcome.

This has been a wonderful weekend. I saw my long lost neighbor. This was my *literal* next door neighbor in NJ....we haven't seen each other in years. It was so good to see her. We weren't ever close close, but I always knew she is supportive and kinda. But as we caught up, and as we spoke during lunch, I decided that I loved her.

She lives in ATL... and as a senior citizen, she's doing much more in the way of recreational activities than I am. lol Gotta step my game up a bit.

Friday.. the interview. The people were very friendly, and it actually seemed more like a conversation than an interview. That really helped me to feel less nervous about the whole thing. To the point where, if it doesn't work out, at least it was a nice experience. We'll see how it goes.

Saturday, there was a BBQ. I got to see some of my friends/classmates, and that was cool. The food was good, and the house that hosted the BBQ.... so beautiful that I might consider marrying for money. :ox sike...but if my hubby just so happens to be rich, hey! What was not cool was the amount of mosquito bites I received. Itchy.

Gas out there was $3.89. I'm so upset that I felt like I was "gettin in good" at $3.89!!! But that's over 10 cents cheaper than anywhere around here.

Today, church and book club. I've resolved that there are a couple of things I need to promise myself for this week, in efforts to start some good habits:

1) Read more (I at least have 2 books that I need to be reading).
2) Write more. Both reading and writing must be done at the local bookstore at least twice this week.
3) Walk or do some form of exercise at least 3 times this week.
4) Sleep early. As in...before midnight.

That's it for now. Gonna read for a few and then bedtime! Peace and love.

Today, the cat woke me up because he felt lonely. So, afer I hung with V (which was nice, btw, but depressing cuz I am broke!), I chilled in the living room with Tammy the cat. We were knocked out for a couple of hours. That's as close to me sleeping in the same vicinity of a cat as it's gonna get. It was sweet, though.

Borders, bookstores. I forgot how much I love them. I love buying books. But I own some books that I have yet to read. So I'm banning myself from buying any more. However, I think I'm gonna spend my free time reading and writing there.

It's been such a long time since I've written anything creatively. But now, I feel as though I have words forming in my mind. That pleases me.

I cannot be feeling guilty about not getting work done on my off day. ESPECIALLY if this is not resulting in an (immediate) income.

The phone interview: I'm afraid that I came off as a workaholic. Which is not attractive to them (or any other employer who believes in a work/home life balance). Wouldn't be mad if they didn't call back...I was so stressed about getting the job that I overdid it.

I feel like I'm learning new things every day about healthy cooking. I just thought it was harder than it really is.

Anyway, I am chillin just a bit too hard. I need to get up and do something. Not work related, though.

I just realized that I probably get the workaholic gene from my mother. I need to chill...

Today has generally been a decent day. However, this summer job/job at all situation has me more stressed out than I need to be. It's constantly on my mind, and I'm not at the point of desperation...yet...but I'm here questioning my coping methods for this particular dilemma. I've been so busy trying to be stressed that I haven't had the time to sit, think, and process.

I keep telling myself not to worry, and yet, I can feel the tension in my body. My faith is being tested. This is some sort of lesson. Deep down, I realize I'm not in a dire situation... I need to refocus.

This is how I actually intended to begin this entry

This past year in school, I learned of a new term: self-efficacy. It means "a person's ability to believe that he/she is capable of performing a certain behavior." It's been used to discuss self-efficacy when it comes to all aspects of health behaviors: healthy eating, physical activity, condom negotiation, condom usage, etc...

I am coming to the realization that I have low self-efficacy when it comes to nutrition and how to cook nutritious food. The ironic part of this realization is that this was the reason I was so intent on studying public health! So I could educate others, particularly about healthy eating. First, I need the education myself.

Grocery shopping. Pitiful. Don't ever know what to get, so I get stuff that I don't really need and it goes bad or sits in the cabinet for a lifetime. Wasted food and money.

My new roomie is so nice and patient. She's teaching me about all of this nutrition stuff. What to get from the store, how to freeze it so it doesn't go bad, and how to prepare it. Today, she made something like curried red lentils, sauteed collards greens (with splashes of lemon juice and a bit of ricotta cheese), and sauteed mushrooms with bell peppers. It was really good.

I think this will be a nice summer with lots of life lessons. That's just fine by me.

BTW, SOOOO glad they finally have an H & M in ATL. But at the same time, it is depressing. And I have yet to find a store that has a summer dress that will suit me! Boo to that. Oh, and let's not talk about bathing suits. That's just....sad.

Maybe I'm in some kinda mood, but I miss my Gio.

I'll be honest. My father is not perfect. Far from it, in fact. There were points in my life where I just knew he didn't love me. If he loved me, why would he....? If he loved me, why did he not......?

It hurt deeply to even feel that way because I was THE Daddy's Girl. So were Aileen and Kristine. If I got a good grade on my test, I couldn't wait to tell daddy. If the teacher said I did a super job, I wouldn't even let my father take off his shoes after he came home before I told it. He would volunteer to teach me things I hadn't learned in school yet. He would check over my homework. If I had a friend problem, he was there to talk to. He would teach me how to fix things and set up surround sound and mess with gadgets and stuff. He would come to my soccer matches. When graduation(s) came around, he was there. If I needed money.....that was mommy's job. :ox

Somehow (actually I know how), it changed. My parents were never lovey dovey, but arguments grew more intense and more frequent. Got to the point where my father left. He had left before, but he always came back. During that last year in high school, he didn't come back. It was depressing, but I was secretly happy because there was no fighting in the house.

It was hurtful because Aileen and Kristine were about 6 and 7 when he left. And he was gone, as in we did not know where he was, for quite some time. Not really a long time, but considering that we saw this man everyday, yes. And I felt so ashamed that I didn't even tell my friends for a while..previously, I'd talk about my father all the time.

And then there was college. Which is traumatic in itself, but financial woes and familial woes included. This is where I just knew he didn't love me. Why wouldn't he.... and why didn't he...? I also felt so many emotions about loving him because, after all, I'm not sure if he loved me. That and, I felt guilty about loving him knowing that my mother was going through hurt, pain, bitterness...and for many years, I couldn't mention his name without her spitting venom.

In the end, I realized he wasn't using his actions to attack me or my sisters, he was hurt as well. This is not to say that what he did was "okay," but it is to say that he is a human being.

An uncle of mine, when we all were going through this, was trying to talk to him to see what was going on. He said that he had mentioned me and my sisters in the conversation, and my father cried. I couldn't even fathom that because 1) I didn't think he cared, and 2) I have NEVER in my 25.9 years of living seen him even form tears in his eyes.

So, I moved on to Houston where I thought I could find solace...from everything. Little by little, he and I and (more importantly to ME) he and my sisters grew closer again. We'd joke, and I'd tell him about my goings on. Somehow, Ghana being in the most recent World Cup really drew us together. I had a reason to call and talk to him.

When I was applying to graduate school, he wanted me to come back home because he said that he missed me. He also said that he'd be able to visit and support me if I was closer. That meant a lot to me. He doesn't say that stuff on a regular basis... support, yes. Missing me? No.

Now, I've come to a place where I can talk to him at any time about anything. Particularly car maintenance and electronics. lol His relationship with ALL of us, including my mother, has improved. Everyone has their low periods in life, I understand now. At the end of the day, though, and even despite the time he was "gone," he has been there. Even in his low points, he made sure not to involve us (his kids) in the mess that he and my mother were going through. He always had a positive attitude towards us.

And now, I have no doubts that I love him and that he loves us. I am thankful for him.


*This story is SO one dimensional because there were so many things going on at the same time, but I thought it'd be appropriate to discuss my father this time.

Ps. I SO was not planning to get this deep. But it was on my heart.

I must admit, I have not been praying about the job situation to *my* satisfaction. Been doing more worrying than anything. And figuring out how to actually manage my finances "just in case." I'm not worried about this interview in particular, but just the financial situation in general.

I think the cat is sick. Poor thing. He's not his normal self. Roomie thinks it's a UTI.

I've kinda been eating differently better (but less :o\ ) since I've gotten here. Roomie is a semi-vegetarian... and I haven't really unpacked my cooking stuff. And I haven't really gone serious grocery shopping. That being said, I'm kind of a semi-veg, too. I actually made tofu correctly today. And it tasted good. Being that tofu is less than $2.50, that may be my protein of choice for a little minute.

Haven't really been doing much active stuff. Even work, I'm sitting on my bum all day. Doing work, but still. I've decided I cannot have a job that requires me to sit at the computer all day. I need to have different tasks where getting up and around are involved... and interacting with people.

Sometimes, although I do love public health, I wonder why I left teaching. This is a fleeting and infrequent thought, but most of the things I miss about teaching is what I want in whichever job I get next. Perhaps because that is what I'm used to. Honestly, I never would've though that I would have been a teacher, and now, the idea is so appealing. Incorporating teaching into whatever I do.

Just to bring myself further into sadness, I'll list the places that I had the opportunity to travel to, but said no due to lack of funds:

-California
-Back to NJ for a friend's wedding
-Puerto Rico

I'm really not that sad about it. Circumstances. Life. Just happens like that sometimes. I hope that this time next year, though, I'm laughing as I think back to this day because I'm not in this place anymore. Oh yea......student loans.

I could go for a brownie. Or something sweet and not good for me.

The woman that I mentioned in the last entry, we actually became really cool. It's interesting because I just met her on Friday. Saturday, I called her and we went out to this Indian restaurant. Food was great. And then, we hung out at her brother's place. He's in grad school doing physical therapy, so it was nice to meet someone from another grad program.

Today, I hung with her (and her brother) as well... I invited her to my church and then we had brunch. Sweet potato pancakes. Love.

You know what else is love? Maxwell. But that's neither here nor there.

I'm a big believer in "Friendships take time to flower," but I feel as though I actually met some cool people this weekend. I'm sad that she's leaving tomorrow, but I'll be sure to keep in contact.

I need to make a list of groceries because hunger is not what's up.

I also need a job that pays. My account is looking pretty scary right now. I'm trying not to get worried...trying to be proactive and prayerful. I know somehow, I'm gonna be provided for.

And that's it.

Ok, that's not really it, but that's all I want to discuss for now.

I'm feeling very encouraged today. As I've mentioned, I enjoy my internship. Today, there was a talk about the different works the organization is doing in Haiti. That in itself was nice, but I also met a woman* who is interested in public health and I was able to discuss with her and introduce her to the people at the org. I felt kinda special that I knew the people, but 1) I've been volunteering with them since October, so I should know them, and 2) the organization has only about 8 full-time people.

Either way, the woman was very nice and we exchanged info. She was very encouraging as well, which is what I needed to hear. She's going back to South Africa (where she's currently working) on Monday, but it's nice to meet folks and network. Besides, her brother is a grad student here, and I don't know that many grad students outside of my school.

After that, I had lunch with one of my professors. Really, it was an "interview" because she's looking to have a new position in the dept, but it was really an informal lunch. I appreciate her and I hope she gets the new position.

Kristine got accepted to be a mentor for the younger kids at her school. I'm happy for her because it was a competitive application process. She'll do some summer weeklong camp thing, and meet with her mentee throughout the year, and she gets to do this up and through her senior year. It's cute because she will kinda get to play a big sister role, which she's never been. And the parent in me is thinking, "This will look good on college applications." lol I hope it also helps her to mature a bit.

These days, I don't even KNOW what folk are looking for in college students... every extracurricular counts. But yay for her!




*Funny that I refer to her as woman, and it (to me) infers that she is much older than me. In fact, she is within 5 years of my age...and that's being generous. But to call her a "woman" somehow is acknowledgement, that I, too, am a woman. Physically, I get that. Mentally, I don't consider myself that grown, but I don't know what monumentous occasion has to occur in order for me to mentally feel as though I truly am a woman. Rambles...neither here nor there.

He is so not a gentleman. Last night, he just made himself comfortable in my lap. At first, I was surprised at his boldness, but then he looked at me and I told him that he was an okay cat after all. He still sheds and makes stinky poo, though. But apparently, so do I. :o\

I'm dressed up to go to my volunteer internship on a day that I'm not scheduled to work. Do I just not have a life, do I love what I'm doing, or am I just a workoholic? I think it's all three. Plus, I like dressing up for work.

I'm such a fluctuator (sp?). Henry or Gio? Gio or Henry? Today, it's Gio.

Happy for Obama. Extremely. Happy that I don't have a TV or don't get regularly exposed to Obama-love overhaul... I hope and PRAY that Hillary has no chance of being the VP. After all that messiness, it just wouldn't be a good look.

Talked to my daddy this morning. Told him that Obama needs to sway the Latino vote (since apparently, Clinton was cool with them...do not know why). Daddy said, "No, Linda... they need him." We shall see how it all turns out.

Part of me is happy that some people are so "over" it. "Yes, he's the first black nominee...whoop whoop." I'm glad they feel that way because... not that we shouldn't celebrate it, but we should be (key: should be) at a point where this (a minority, woman, non-traditional pres) is not a big issue. Well, that is supremely idealistic, I know. But in reality, I am pleased.

I kinda smirked a little bit when Gov. Paterson pardoned Slick Rick a few weeks ago. The fruition of any random black comedy routine. Life imitating art?

First of all, cat poop STINKS. Bad. Like worse than humans. At least I know he's eating.

And then he want to rub up on me. You just pooped! No way.

But then I realize that I have some issues with intimacy that I need to work on. I have to be okay with giving and receiving affection. Fine, so I will touch the cat.

And whenever I get on my laptop, Tammy the cat cuddles up next to me (right now, he's between me and my laptop) and falls asleep. I've grown to find that somewhat endearing.

Maybe one day, I'll actually hold him in my arms and pet him. Baby steps.

If it didn't shed, make stinky poo, and have the potential to get sick, I might MIGHT consider getting a cat. But that would take a lot of bonding between me and Tammy first. He's an okay cat after all.

Flight was decent. Came home to an empty apt...except for the cat.

I'm not used to cats. Don't particularly like them. Don't know how to take care of them. They like to cuddle too much. And you don't know when they are gonna fart, pee, poop, or vomit. I like to be warned. :(

I'm not a touchy feely person.. GET OFF ME! But you can't tell that to a cat. They don't listen, and if you kick them, they will scratch the HECK outta you in your sleep. Or even while you are still awake.

Not particularly glad to be back. But it's not terrible, either. I have more time this summer than I've had in the last 2 summers (supposedly). It'd probably be nicer if I actually had some spending money. I wanna go to the Aquarium, but I hear it's $27!!! Not including parking. I would like to do outdoorsy/recreational things in the city this summer.

Ugh, and I have to unpack. And pack up and move again by August. How dreadful.

The good thing is that this apt is pretty conducive to chillin and reading. I miss having a useable living room. I miss my comfy reading chair! :(

Well, today was a good day. Got to see my peoples! Particularly Eb, who (I'm ashamed to say) I hadn't seen in years. I was very happy...

....but I cannot do this weather anymore. I'm spoiled and proud of it.

Went to Ricardo's Steakhouse. The food was good and reasonably priced. The convo was good, too. I love my chicas.

They were playing salsa music, and if I wasn't too shy and if I had a partner and if there was space, it would've been on.

This shyness thing, yea. It's about time to overcome that ish. But I don't know if I could handle a bruised ego. At the same time, though... who knows?

Anyway, food was good. It was good to see my people. And that's that.

I have a Houston story, but I think I will save that for later.