It's more than just sleepy, I'm SO FRICKIN' EXHAUSTED.  I don't have enough time in the day to do everything that I want/need to do, and then I have to be up for work at 6:45 every morning and urgh.  It's mostly worthwhile, though, which makes it annoying because I don't want to give anything up.  I like staying up late, I like wasting countless hours doing goofy shit with Robert, I like forgoing rest and relaxation to go on trips every weekend and I like my job (usually).  I don't want to give any of it up and it's a mess.  I'd be in a really good mood if I weren't about to fall over.


The current time crunch is negatively impacting my potential income.  I'm way behind on my illustration gig and I would so love to call the whole thing off, but I know that it's really easy money if I can force myself to just DO it.  Each painting amounts to almost a week's worth of pay, so it's hard to just turn my back on it.  Speaking of pay, I signed up for my benefits package today.  It seems decent, and it's not too expensive.  If only my car insurance were so simple.  Oh well.

SO yeah, I dunno what this blog is about, I'm just really tired, but also really excited about my medical/dental/life/disability coverage.  For the time being, enjoy this picture of me yelling at a bouncing hoopdie or something from last weekend's trip to Detroit, and hopefully I'll soon have some stories from this upcoming weekend's cookout and pay-per-view UFC extravaganza at Eric's.  Yikes.

So the roadtrips every weekend have been tiring but very worthwhile.  I have about a thousand pictures that I'll need to post eventually, but I'm feeling far too lazy at present.

I'll be catching up on my rest all week anyway because Robert had to go back to Atlanta for a week for various doctor appointments, so I have nothing to do until Saturday night when he returns.  He ended up being much sadder about leaving than he had originally expected.  He called me later to tell me about how bored and lonely he was and how he made some lemonade for me/washed the dishes/took the trash out before he left.  He's a nice kid.  They took his hairgel away when he boarded the plane, he was upset about that.

Things are finally where I want them to be with him, at least.  Everything that I've been thinking about and stressing over for the last 8 months has been addressed satisfactorily.  The last couple of weeks after everything was laid out have been so pleasant.  I think we have a happy future ahead of us.

I took a nap 30 minutes after getting home today.  I woke up at 9:30 in a panic because I thought that it was tomorrow morning and I was two hours late for work.  I hate that; it only happens when I nap alone, too.  I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself right now before going to bed.  So far I've managed a bunch of the standard internet nonsense while drinking some lemonade (<3) and listening to indie rock.  I'm really bored and want to go to bed, but then that means that my next activity is going to be work tomorrow.  Lame.

I'm really over that job, by the way.  I'm not in danger of firing anymore, it's just a stupid job in a tense environment.  I can't WAIT to move back to Atlanta and earn some real money.  I'm starting to get pretty angry over how little I'm making up here, but that's just how the Ohio payscale is.  We've been debating where to live immediately after Robert's graduation, but we've come back to our original plan of returning to Atlanta.  It's where the money is and most of our friends are, after all.  I'm so bored.  I think I'll go to bed soon.  Ugh.

Yep, Atlanta is #3 in Forbes.com's list of best cities for young professionals.


I miss my city.

So yeah, things have been nice with Robert, but his whole emotionally distant thing is still just as present as ever.  He's tried a little, but I just don't think he gets it.  Last night I finally laid it out for him.


A : "So why is it that you refuse to talk to me about anything ever when I repeatedly ask you to try and be more open with me and/or show me that I'm important to you in some capacity?"

R : "............I dunno, I that's just how I am.  So what?"

A : "I need for you to be more open with me or I'm going to be unhappy."

R : "I'm not good at that sort of thing, and I don't think it's a problem."

A : "Well you do realize that communication problems are the main issue behind most failed relationships, right?  I mean, everyone knows that."

R : "..........Yeah."

A : "WELL?  Are you going to work on this then?"

R : "OH.............  Um, ok."


Goddamn it, Robert.  You could be so good at being a boyfriend if you'd just try.  He really does care about me as much as he's capable of, but he's just so emotionally vacant that it doesn't amount to a whole lot.  He sometimes admits to his complete numbness to any sort of emotion, and he says that he sometimes wishes he could change it, but then he never tries.  I love him so much and them hate him at the same time for not returning the feeling.  I've decided that it might be a college/living in Ohio-based rut that he's in, so I'll deal with him being distant until he graduates in six months, but that when we move back, he has a year to fix this or I'll have to move on.  I hate that it's like this, but it's true.  I'm going to warn him of this tonight.

I'm fully convinced that personality-wise, I could never find someone who I can get along with so perfectly, but if he can't deliver the rest of what I need, I'm going to have to cut my losses and move on to a slightly less compatible person who appreciates me in order to avoid an unending cycle of depression.

I really hate this so much, why can't he just have feelings like every other person I've ever met?

So every time I try to update lj, the breakroom computer eats the entry.  Maybe this will post, maybe not.

Anyway, I'm actually signing on as a permanent employee at work, and I feel ok about it.  I'm making alright money and now I can get overtime, which is badASS, plus permanent employees don't get fired all the time like the temps do.  I made it!

Robert and I are doing fricking fantastically.  He's so much fun to be around and he's finally figured out that his mom is insane and he's standing up to her on my behalf and he's nicer to me than ever and our anniversary is tomorrow and I could just eat him up!!!

Sole stuffed with crabmeat and grilled asparagus for dinner tonight.  Yum, yum!

I'm having a good day today for no reason in particular.

So at some point during the nightly bedtime chat that Robert and I have, I decided to have THE TALK about how under-appreciated I've been feeling.  It went better than usual, mostly because I forced a little participation out of him for once.  I don't know if it did any good, but in order to fully clear the air, I've been writing a list all day of various other reasons that I feel like this.  Hopefully I'll have the guts to spring those on him today while the ones from last night are all still fresh in his head.  This has been going on for way too long and I really need to start taking action.  I'm know that he DOES care about me, I just need to know how much.

He's been totally oblivious this whole time, he thinks that he really does show me how much he cares about me in spite of never even having told me something as simple as "You look nice today" in the entire 11 months we've been dating.  I get more compliments form strangers.  Literally.  I think he expects a lot of things to go as understood; all this time he's thought that everything has been GREAT and can't fathom why I could possibly feel this way.  It's really frustrating, but hopefully I'll be able to set him straight.  I want to go home and start talking about it NOW, while I'm still motivated.  He's fairly eager to please, so I can see this going well if I keep explaining these things instead of keeping them in and hoping that my hint-dropping campaign will eventually pay off.  Subtlety is completely lost on him, so if I just spell everything out, hopefully I'll get what I need from him and won't have to feel so glum anymore.

It's only 1:20, why does it have to be so early?  Ugh.

Boooored.  Looking forward to going home and seeing the boy, who continues to act sweeter than normal (I swear, he heard something SOMEWHERE).  Who cares, I'm getting what I want, so I'm happy.  We'll see if it keeps up, that would be excellent.  What I want tonight, though, is a gyro and a vodka tonic.  Yum.

Speaking of drinking, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that I won't get pregnant this month.  While I would ultimately be happy either way, having a kid right now would really hinder some of the plans I have for next year/cut into money that I don't have/be nerve wracking since Robert and I have never discussed anything like that at this point and I don't know how it would affect my relationship.  Besides, then I'd need to be on my toes at all times until I finally had the baby as his mom would probably try to push me down some stairs the next time I see her.  "YOU RUINED MY LITTLE BOY'S FUTURE!!!!"  Haha.  >:)

Also, my possible trip to Greece has been pushed back until next spring.  This works best for me, my mom, her boyfriend AND Robert, but my grandparents are absolutely devastated that we won't be going when they do.  I feel bad, but I just can't help it.  NO ONE could pull it off on such short notice.  Oh well.

Oh yeah, I want to move back to Atlanta!  Now!  One of the most exciting things that I have planned is my next car.  Once I get back, I'll be selling the Honda and getting a 2008 Scion tC!!!  YEAH!!!!  While I like the Honda a lot, I've been consistently bothered by how practical it is.  The last Civic was sportier and cuter, this one is just a little too bland for me and made me feel stifled by an adulthood that I'm still reluctant to FULLY assimilate into.  When I was shopping last year, I had my heart set on the '07 tC but couldn't quite afford it.  Now I can, and the '08 revision to the body style is fantastic!  I'm glad I waited, I especially love the bubbly effect on the grille and blacked-out projector headlights.  SEXY.  My only qualm is that since Robert drives a Scion xB, that I'll look like a poser to his Scion style.  The xB and tC are so different, though- I've wanted one since they came out and I feel like it's the car that best suits my personality out of everything on the market (hip without being over-the-top edgy, and classy without being stuffy).  I mentioned that to the boy and he agreed and he DOESN'T think I'll look poser-y, he just wants me to get it- he's such a bad influence on my spending habits.  Who cares, though?  I want one SO, SO much.

I'm still tired from my trip, but it was worth it.  I really miss Atlanta so much, I can't wait to visit again.  I'll be back in 7.5 months, and then I can start working on a career, adopt a dog, see my friends, eat at my favorite restaurants, live in a bigger apartment and trade in my car for a different one (yeah, I know).

I bought a couple purses the other day.  I really love the one, but I may end up sending the other back.  It's cool, but I just don't know if I like it enough to justify what I spent.  blah.

I may have been wrong about Robert.  He's been extra sweet lately and last night he told me he loved me without being drunk, which is a step in the right direction.  Maybe someone gave him a talking to, or maybe he's coming around, who knows.  Either way, it's a good thing.  I still haven't worked up the nerve to properly explain all of this to him, but maybe something sunk in the last time I half-assedly tried to.

It would be a particularly good thing if we were on the same level, too, because there is a chance that I could be getting pregnant soon.  He knows this and it's unlikely, but it is still a possibility.  He wanted me to switch around my birth control schedule which rendered the pills temporarily useless, I'm using a new backup contraceptive that may or may not actually be effective, blah blah blah.  We'll see what happens.  That's really something I'd rather not get involved in while there's still some question of the strength of his feelings for me, nevermind that I'm unmarried, underpaid, uninsured and preparing to start all sorts of new undertakings upon my move to Atlanta.  I could always just keep my pants on for a couple of days, but COME ON.

Ok, so since the lj is a little more unknown to my friends circle than the myspace blog, I guess I can properly vent here.

I've been sad a lot lately.  I miss my friends, I miss my family and I miss my city.  I'd never really intended to leave Atlanta but it was ok because I knew I'd be so happy with Robert.  I was right to an extent, and it really isn't all that bad, but I have an issue with him that's been growing since I've gotten here, and it's really magnifying everything else about this place that I don't enjoy.  Honestly, there isn't much of an issue, my crazy brain just likes to make it into one.

He's great, and he's always really nice to me and we spend all of our time together and have so much fun.  He's always doing nice things for me like cooking food for me, making me drinks, running errands for me while I work that I never even thought to ask for.  He's always happy to do whatever I want, he's really accommodating and he IS very sweet to me in his own weird way.  The problem is that I still just feel sort of unimportant to him.  Like, that he cares about me as much as he's capable of doing, but that he really doesn't care who I am, he'd be just as happy with anyone else.  I'm always trying to complement him and tell him how important he is to me, and I almost never get it in return.  I know that he cares, he just never makes it seem like a big deal even though I always do.

It's all just little things, and sometimes I end up feeling like maybe this whole move was for nothing, that I'm so tied to him and he means so much to me and yet he'd be just as happy if I didn't even exist.  It's not that he ever does anything deliberate, it's just how he doesn't seem to take as much of an interest in me as I'd like.  He's so simple, he takes everything at face value and never seems to want to know who I am, what I'm about or why I am the way I am.  He focuses solely on the present.  Sometimes I worry that to him, our relationship is completely superficial.  This has been bothering me forever, and a lot of times he picks up on it and asks me what's wrong.  At least that's something of an effort, but I always refuse to tell him, so he usually just assumes it's something dumb like work and forgets about it.

I never wanted to talk to him about this because I mean, what can talking really accomplish?  "I love you more than you love me."  What do you say to that?  We've talked about it a bit, but he still doesn't get it.  He finally got me to talk to him the other night and after me telling him all this for 30 minutes, he just said something like "No, that's not what I think." or something.  Then I continued for another half hour or so, he didn't say anything and we went to sleep.  The next day he was acting like everything was all better, the same as he's done the other two times I've brought this up.

I hate that this bothers me so much, I mean he really is great to me, but cliched as it is, I don't get why he can't just make me feel like I'm special.  That's all I want, I just want to know that he holds me in a higher regard than he would other girls.  It's ironic that the one guy who finally does everything that I want him to can't do the one good thing that all of my godawful (ok, Billy wasn't godawful) exes did and make me feel important.

It's gloomy, rainy and cold today and all I want is to go home and cuddle up with Robert and a bottle of wine for a few days.  I did get a really sweet Myspace message today from someone random, which made me feel good.  Out of the blue complements always seem really sincere.  Regardless, Ohio is not exactly a fulfilling place to live.  Next weekend's Atlanta trip is going to do me wonders, I'm sure, but it can't come soon enough.  It doesn't help that today feels like Friday already but it's only Wednesday.  Stupid Ohio.  I can't wait to go wine shopping tonight.



OH, and there's a chance that Robert and I are going on a big family trip to Greece this summer.  I so hope I can go.  I dunno if I could take that much time off from work, but who cares, if I can go to Greece I'll get a new job.  As I've mentioned before, I may need to do that anyway.

Things are kind of up and down around here.  I'm counting the days until I move back to Atlanta, it's like Tara to Scarlett O'Hara, it's where I get my strength (and NO Tara was NOT in Atlanta, it was a few miles away).

Work is the main issue.  I understand my job at this point and can do it properly, but there have been two problems with deposits I've prepared (one was my fault and one WASN'T and the bank even sent a letter apologizing for their error, but that doesn't seem to make a difference to this guy) and so the owner's son is really angry with me.  I've been told that if I slip up once more, I'm out.  It makes me really angry because I KNOW what I'm doing, and the only problem that's been my fault so far was a really minor thing that my managers conceded would have been an easy mistake for anyone to make.  It doesn't matter, though, because the owner of the company has a really anal, personality-free son who has it in for me at this point.

I've recently come to see how I hold pretty much the most precarious non-management position here, as any error I make is under the scrutiny of the owner and his son, and not just my co-workers.  I deal with their money, which is the worst thing anyone here can have to do for them.  At this point I'm just sort of biding my time until something inevitably goes wrong and I get the axe.  I've been so paranoid about it that now I've come to accept it, and I'm just coming in, doing the best I can and trying to stay positive.  It was only going to be until December anyway, so who cares.  I'll just get something else.  Hopefully it'll be a shorter hunt the second time around.

All that aside, things are about 85% good.  I'm staying pretty content and well-entertained in spite of the unseasonably chilly weather.  I've lost a little weight finally after packing on 10 lbs as soon as I got here.  Robert and I are still ecstatically happy together, although his somewhat uncommunicative tendencies still unnerve me a little. I have money now, although I'm still in debt.   My car is mostly fixed, although the bumper's still a little ugly.  It all balances out.  I do have the best hair in Ohio, though.  At least I can say that.



Anyway, yeah.  Ohio is taking it's toll on my mood, I guess, and my job isn't exactly fulfilling, but my personal life is still compensating, thank god.  I'm still really happy that I came here in spite of everything, because living with Robert is probably the best decision I've ever made.  Regardless, I miss my friends and I miss my city.  I've been a little mopey lately as a result.  I hope Ohio doesn't turn me boring.  I'm gonna stop ranting now and go back to work.  Blah.

I've been amusing myself by hitting the refresh button on this site repeatedly. A special favorite:

Haiku2 for lovelylexi
beer happened how did my shirt get under the table this is fine
@ aboutmylife.netadvogato.orgblogger.comblogs.gnome.orgblogspot.comdeadjournal.comgreatestjournal.cominsanejournal.comlivejournal.commyspace.comspaces.msn.com
Created by Grahame

As usual, I haven't posted in a while. Last week's trip to Atlanta was really great, and the whole situation with the boyfriend's mom was more or less cleared up, too, much to my happy amazement. It's a big load off my shoulders, since I need to know that I'm living with and making plans for the future with someone who can be trusted to live on his own successfully. His sister was still kind of bitchy at me, but she's like that to everyone and has no influence over him, so who cares.

I've also been working a lot, and although I occasionally fuck up and fear that I'll be fired, it seems that I'm actually pretty well liked around the office and keep getting more responsibilities, which a good sign for my job security. I think I'm getting pretty decent at my job, I'm not making any mistakes with my actual duties anymore, just occasional minor oversights that are usually easily remedied.

Getting paid regularly has been pretty awesome, too. The absurdly cheap cost of living in Ohio combined with a slightly higher rate of pay than some of my coworkers (I have pretty choice negotiation skills) has resulted in a cash surplus that I'll hopefully start putting to some good use soon. So far I've just bought a lot of clothes after being on shopping deprivation for a few MONTHS (I hadn't bought clothes in *MONTHS* and it was killing me! And spring is my favorite season to buy for, too!). It could get dangerous, though- once I'd caught the taste of blood I began buying everything in sight, much to the chagrin of said boyfriend's mother (he defended my honor, though!). In spite of it all, I still managed to keep my finances in excellent standing. I just need to keep this job and I'll be out of debt in no time and still be able to maintain my fabulous lifestyle. Hooray!

So yeah, life has been going surprisingly well lately, and I'm actually really enjoying living up here. Ah, Ohio, I love that you're so cheap and friendly. You're like the proverbial hooker with a heart of gold.

I keep forgetting that I have this thing, I've been all about the myspace blog lately.

Ohio is going well, it's warming up and I finally have a job. I 'm just finishing my very first week as an ACCOUNTANT (Oh, I know!). Hopefully I'm doing an ok job and it won't be my LAST week as an accountant. I also keep getting calls now from other people wanting to inverview me based on resumes I submitted a month ago. Whatever, guys, you're too slow. WAAAAY too slow.

I'm really looking forward to a paycheck, there's this dress that I really need to buy.

I don't have anything else to say. Bye!

So I still don't have a job. I had four interviews last week, turned down one crappy offer and today I'm supposed to hear back from one of the companies I liked. I still haven't gotten a call, so now I'm depressed and plan on drinking tea and watching Gone With The Wind in my underwear. That always makes me feel better.

So I'm living in Ohio these days. Everything's going pretty well, I have almost everything in order aside from still not having a job. Sitting around doing nothing is great and all, but it HAS been two weeks and my xmas money/final paycheck won't hold out forever.

Robert and I also had our very first fight in 8 months of dating when I got drunk last week and told him that I'd deleted all the porn off his computer. Boo hoo! He can be pretty immature about some things and it took a little while for me to get him to stop sulking and actually talk to me about it, but after a pretty rational 10 minute discussion everything was fine and we were back to our usual giddy selves. I don't think he really understands how disagreements work, but he's not insulting or yell-y about them, at least. Besides, I have enough experience fighting with every boy ever about every little thing that I think it'll be ok whenever another problem ever arises, although at this rate it'll probably be a while before that happens.

I probably SHOULD have talked to him about it before deleting FOUR GIGS off his auxiliary drive, and I did apologize for that aspect of the situation, but I still feel pretty good about the whole thing. HA! >:)

So that one sour night aside, everything has been really awesome with me moving in here. We've even started working out regularly so that we can lose these beer bellies that have been slowly growing over the past few months. We've also invented some fun new drinks and we got a really great betta fish named Masta Killa.

Oh, but 15 degree weather and SNOW is lame.

I think that sums up everything.

I MISS ALL MY ATLANTA PEOPLE! I hope I get to see/talk to everyone soon.

As many of you know, I had an incident maybe a month ago where my car hydroplaned and my right taillight was smashed by a guard rail. I haven't been able to fix it, so I was finally pulled over for it last night. The officer was going to let me off with a warning, but he still had to run my license to see if he'd caught himself a criminal. Turns out that he did, much to my surprise.

I have been driving on a suspended license.

After much stress on my part and a hilarious trip to Caribou in the back of a squad car, I managed to get home. I now find that my license has been suspended because I owe $20 to the court clerk of Cincinnati, Ohio. It all goes back to that damn speeding ticket I got months and months ago on one of my fabulous road trips to see Robert. I paid the ticket late, but I added the late fee that was marked on the ticket into my check. It turns out that the total fine was an extra $45 and not the $25 listed, because of additional fees that weren't mentioned on the ticket. So Ohio never got all of their money and suspended my license without telling me about it. The remaining $20 balance has been mailed, and will likely take a few days to reach them, at which point they'll mail me a receipt. I need that receipt to take to the DMV to reinstate my license. This will most likely take at least a week. This means that I'll be mooching rides from friends for a while, and I *hate* being a leech.

This isn't even the worst part, though. I have a court date now to fight my ticket. I don't want to pay the fine for driving under a suspended license and I don't want it on my record when I was never given any sort of notice that my license was bad. This is stressful. What's more stressful is that my court date is scheduled for January 25th... a week and a half after I'll have moved out of the state. I called to see if i could reschedule for earlier in the month, but my case won't even be in the system for another week or more. I can't believe all this is happening, although I'm glad that at least it happened in Georgia where I have a network of people who can help me AND I know where everything is. I hate everything sometimes, and I hate goddamn Ohio.

Man, I haven't been to an awesome party in so long. Did just that last night.

( Things like this were happening all night... )

I recently came back from my 5th trip to Ohio. It involved a car wreck on the way up, distinguishing it from other visits. Cliff notes: I was in Tennessee, it was raining hard, I hit a puddle and began hydroplaning. I turned into the skid to minimize the loss of control, but still hit a guard rail. The damage was incredibly minor, just some scrapes to the bumper and the loss of the plastic cover for my taillight (the lights all still work).

I took a couple of small boxes to Ohio to ease my move, including some cooking utensils. I was able to cook for Robert, he enjoyed it and I'm glad, because I like cooking for him. I'm also working on getting rid of some things before I leave. I don't need a whole lot, and living more minimally always feels so good.

I do feel bad about leaving, though, primarily because I'm going to miss all my friends and it makes me sad that I'll be somewhat forgotten. A year-long absence is bound to change my social life here, even when I come to visit. I'm also sad because I really do love my job, and I feel awful to tell them that I'll be leaving, especially when I know they're already going to be short on receptionists in January. I know that I can't change my life around for some low-paid part time job, but I really am so happy there. :/

Beyond that, things are decent. My money supply is shockingly low, but I keep managing to pay my bills, so I guess it could be worse. Feeding myself has become a struggle, but my car is not being repossessed. Count your blessings, right? Also, things with Robert keep getting better. We're really happy together, and I'm starting to be able to let my guard down and be comfortable around him. He also told me that we can get a dog when we come back to Georgia, which means A: that he's planning on us being a permanent thing and B: I get a dog!!! I can't stand not having a pet anymore.

I haven't been updating this thing, but I have been reading my friendslist. I still love you people.

Anyway.

I've been stressing a lot these days. My job is good, but my hours are so minimal that I'm majorly deficit spending. It's bad. All I need is to wait out the next six weeks until graduation and I'll be a lot happier, although my finances will still be pretty awful until I move the following month and can settle into a full time job of some kind (I hope, at least).

Speaking of, I'm sort of torn about the whole idea of moving to Ohio. I mean, most days I'm really gung ho about it and wish I could drop everything and move up there now (you know I would, I'm crazy like that) and other days I wonder if I should bother moving at all. I mean, things are fine and there have been no problems between me and Robert at all, but I can't help but still wonder if he REALLY cares about me, or if he only wants me because I'm convenient. Once again, a lot of these doubts have come about as a result of his myspace surveys. Yes, I'm that neurotic. He seems to care about me, but he's so damn ambiguous about it and this one thing he said on there... Ugh, just forget it.

Also, I hate... writing papers for school/debt/my life.



EDIT: As could be expected, everything's fine now, he made it pretty clear that he cares about me a lot, so things are fine... until the next myspace survey that bugs me out.

Still hate writing papers, though. It's 3:22 AM, the thing is due at 11 AM and I have a single paragraph done. I hate school so much.