"Simon says, 'Flap Your Arms Like Wings, Little Bitches!'"

Harken YE SINNERS, for lordjesuschrist has some words for you. I've decided the old Ten Commandments are outdated, no longer applicable to today, and in many cases...not EVEN WHAT WE SAID IN THE FIRST PLACE. Man, we should have come up with reliable photocopiers when we designed the sheep and the lion. Can you imagine a multipurpose sheep? Good for wool, photocopies, -and- fucking. And you thought the "camera phone" was clever.

So, here they are, your revised commandments.

i. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Nay, this commandment was once the most important. But you pathetic, spineless sheep stopped slaughtering off those disgusting, heathen jews and muslims long ago. So, to fit in with your new, politically correct world, let me present you with your new first commandment:

i. If you can't be with the god you love, honey, love the one you're with.

ii. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. This commandment could possibly have withstood the winds of time if, fuck all, I didn't constantly break it myself. So, after careful consideration, the Holy Trinity has issued this replacement:

ii. Say it, don't spray it.

iii. Thou shalt not worship false idols. Indeed, kneeling before false idols will still land you in the lake of fire without the dignity of flame-retardant floaties. However, We feel We failed to provide you with a proper list of false idols:

iii. Don't believe in magic. Don't believe in I-Ching. Don't believe in Tarot. Don't believe in Hitler. Don't believe in Kennedy. Don't believe in Buddha. Don't believe in Mantra. Don't believe in Gita. Don't believe in Yoga. Don't believe in Kings. Don't believe in Elvis. Don't believe in Zimmerman. Don't believe in Beatles. Just believe in me, Yoko and me.

iv. Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy. Yea, verily, the world has changed since September Eleven. (In Heaven 9/11 has become an official day of mourning called "Septevens".) We realize many of you will succumb to the pressure and sadness such memories can bring you, so We have chosen to reword the fourth commandment:

iv. Try your best to remember the sabbath day. But if you're somewhere drunk and passed out on the floor, oh, I'm not angry anymore.

v. Honor thy father and mother. Again, We felt a need to update this one for modern times:

v. Honor thy father and mother. Or if you have no father, honor thy two mommies. But do not honor thy two daddies, for they are faggots and are going to hell. (Lesibans are not real faggots. Everybody knows that.)

vi. Thou shalt not kill. Well, this is just plain common sense, isn't it? Moses climed that hill much faster than We predicted, so We were really caught in a pinch trying to come up with ten commandments before the bush finished burning. Our original intention was to give people The Divine Word on abortion, so We're really sorry about screwing the pooch on that one. However, We feel providing you with the answer now would, well, spoil the fun. So, instead:

vi. Thou shalt not make new babies that thou can not or are not willing to raise properly. Stop breeding you stupid bastards or We shall rip out thine gonads and feed them to hungry goats.

vii. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

vii. Screw it. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You're all going to do it, anyway.

viii. Thou shalt not steal. Yea, verily, We still feel this commandment is true. However, we feel we should mention that stealing bread is still stealing. Put your faith in Us, and We shall provide:

viii. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.

ix. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Somehow this merely got translated incorrectly.

ix. If you witness your neighbor dressed as a false bear, it means they are a furry. By commandment of God, you are ABSOLUTELY OBLIGATED TO KILL THEM ON SIGHT.

x. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods. Pish posh, covet-schmuvet. What do I care if you want to walk around like a moron, drool hanging down your chin as you lust after some old cookie-baking biddie with stretch marks, or a Playstation One that only works when you keep the controller EXACTLY horizontal? Now, million dollar rings and your own private island, now -that- is a little out of your range, isn't it?

From now on:

I am sorry it has been so long since I have spoken to you. As you can understand, I had many prayers to answer in the last few weeks. Praise me! Also, I had to do some VERY important eBay shopping. (Hallelujah.) I know a lot of you have questions about the events troubling the world today. I think I can help you out, since I am, as you know, at the Right Hand of God.

• Jesus, Why does Osama Bin Laden hate us so much?

  Well, Jimmy, Osama hates you because you are a sinner. I am not a sinner, and that is why everyone loves me. MAYBE IF YOU WOULD STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER, INNOCENT PEOPLE WOULD NOT HAVE TO DIE. MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T SHOOT THAT NICE BIRDIE WITH YOUR SLINGSHOT, OSAMA BIN LADEN WOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT FIREY DEATH UPON THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA!!! DID YOU EVER THINK OF -THAT-?

• How can I fight anthrax?

  There is strong evidence to suggest that nudity will help fight anthrax. Also, if you are worried about anthrax in your home, I suggest you get one of these revolutionary devices. I have 7 of them, and so far...I do not have anthrax.

• What is the best cure for anthrax?

  This stuff will clear you right up.

• Are the events of the past 5 weeks a sign?

  No, -this- is a sign.

  

• How will I know terrorists from regular people?

  Well, there is no easy way to tell terrorists from regular people. For instance, did you know that 30% of the elderly are terrorists? Its TRUE! Those aren't chocolate chip cookies grandma is making. OH NO. THOSE ARE SEKRET RADIOACTIVE AFGHANI SHRAPNEL COOKIES. Also, stay away from Oak Trees. You wouldn't BELIEVE how many of them are Muslim. Believe me. I'm Jesus, and I am keepin' it real, yo. And, if all else fails, you can just browse terroristornot.com.

• What are the authorities doing to insure my safety?

  I assure you the police and other authorities are doing everything possible to make sure the world is safe from nasty people, the elderly, and jihad-carrying vending machines.

Believe ME, kids, you do NOT want to go to ache-ee-double-hockey-sticks,
HELL. You may think its going to be GROOVY to sit around in the fire
pits, laughing your head off at gangs of smelly demons assraping your
with circus tent poles, but believe me, Hell is nothing like that.
Glorified in the Spirit! I am not allowed to tell you EXACTLY what Hell is
like, but I will give you a hint: That green stuff is not toothpaste.
Try not to eat it.

Some things that will make you go to hell:

• Sloth
  
• Greed
  
• Lust
  
• Gluttony
  
• Annoying Jesus
  
• Anger
  
• Did I already say Greed?
  
• Idolatry
  
• Beastiality
  
• Theft
  

I hope this has helped you out. Amen! Oh, and one more thing: