“All things happen for a good reason.”  So goes the saying.  And, yes, I believe that to be a truth.  Yet, I suspect that people say that just to make themselves feel better about the grief they’ve been dealt.  See, another truth is that there are too many things that happen in this world that make no sense whatsoever.  Even with 20/20 vision, even with microscopic-like hindsight, one cannot find the worth in some tragedy.  It’s chaos run amok.  I know that also to be a truth.

My good friend, my newest brother, lost his 3 year old son yesterday.  I still don’t know the details.  The how.  Certainly not the why.  The few times we’ve talked on the phone haven’t been too coherent as far as conversations go.  Mostly just two grown men crying like babies, exactly unlike the now silenced baby of my brother.

I went to the bar last night.  I tried to find solace, make some sense, and discover a way to stop everything from hurting so damn badly.  I bought a shot for young Julian.  The shot sat there all night, untouched.  Not to be consumed by the young man-never-to-be.  Many a drink flowed around and over and because of that lone shot.  I kept having daydreams of somebody picking it up and downing it while I went out for a smoke or leak, (currently, one cannot smoke in bars in Ohio.  Bastards.).  In the dream, maybe the guy would sit at my barstool and poke me in the chest while telling me to fuck off when confronted with the sin.  Stupid thoughts.  Crazy-bad madness.  Why is it that I always think violence when made sad or scared?  (Maybe I’ll work on that one on the next incarnation, eh?)  Thank the Gods nothing like that happened.  Nobody died.  I wasn’t thrown into lockdown.  I know today that that wouldn’t have helped anything.  Even the booze couldn’t help.  Nothing seemed to drown the pain.  Nothing made any of this more bearable.

And he wasn’t my kid.  I cannot fully realize what hell Jeff looks at day in/out.

I look for a way to make closure.  Maybe, I think, I have a new job in keeping my friend focused on this life.  Help get him through to the other side, without swallowing a bullet, gain the high ground.  Remind him his other son’s need.  That he has more around him than darkness.  Perhaps that is a worth; that is a good enough reason.  (??)  I’m not so sure.  Through a random roll of the dice this happened to my friend, to me, and through this post to you.  There are many ways to learn and experience personal growth.  Given the choice, I’d opt for the last of those listed.  Let this be yours.

Find someone special in your life to hug and kiss and tell them they are loved.

I love you, my friends.  Send some peaceful thoughts to Jeff and his family and, of course, to Julien in his/theirs/our travels.  Where one goes, we all must sometime follow.  I think that is the only logical thing about the leering maul of chaos.

It's been a crazy up and down emotional roller-coaster ride since moving here.  Too many uncertainties piled on top of too many needful things based on future uncertainties.  Wow.  Yet, just maybe we've turned a corner.  After months of screwing around, TW has FINALLY offered me a job.  Pending a background check and drug test (I hope it's multiple choice), I'll start October 30th.  Benefits will kick in by December 1st.  A somewhat decent wage, free cable TV (all the channels), free cable modem, discounted digital phone, and most importantly medical coverage for my broken down body and other assorted perks.

Next step: Find beater car for under $2000.  Then, find place to live and move before, say, end of November at the latest.

whew!

PS: It was GREAT typing up my notice to stop working freelance at ONN...still giddy)

PPS: Too many of you have had pretty tough news to report as of late, (for which you have my deepest condolences and prayers).  I hope this news makes you smile a bit.

Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. So,
attention in the cancer ward: buck up you bunch of ingrates!
			-quote from T-Shirt Hell newsletter

I'm posting this here as a reply to cluebyfour post and subsequent comments that I thought it would be fun to address.  Read the original post here for background.

Ahh B, somehow you always prove to be a constant source of amazement. I should know by now that there is no way I will ever agree with you on political, monetary, or social matters of justice – or I to you, for that matter. How you can argue against social benefits and safety nets such as social security & universal health care, while naming property rights and privatization of natural resources as moral values which need be upheld, is beyond my understanding. Yet it is with such joy that I can sit down with you over much hard drink and B.S. the night away. And, since I am at work and said job is one of the most boring ever, I will gladly type out an appropriately long response that should take up the majority of my evening. Thank you for the opportunity.

( let's set this cheeky monkey straight )
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Get your movies at Starz

"I know of no policy, God is my witness, but this Piety, Humanity and Honesty are the best Policy. Blasphemy, Cruelty and Villainy have prevailed and may again. But they won't prevail against America, in this Contest, because I find the more of them are employed, the less they succeed."  

• -John Adams argued that humane treatment of prisoners and deep concern for civilian populations not only reflected the American Revolution's highest ideals, they were a moral and strategic requirement. His thoughts on the subject, expressed in a 1777 letter to his wife, might make a profitable read for Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld as we endeavor to win hearts and minds in Iraq.

-Quote and its' description found in Robert F. Kennedy Jr latest editorial from the L.A. Times.