| confusion & depression |
[18 Jan 2007|04:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
Funny how both lay hand-in-hand...Confusion & depression that is.
Still no perfect job, still dream of going to Mississippi, still have the vanity issues. But now I have a set of fake teeth, that drive me crazy. I wish someone would have told me when I was younger that I needed to take better care of my mouth.
Husband still comes and goes when it suits him. This will probably never change, I fear.
Lots of things to think about these days. Just wish the answers would come a long sooner then later.
|
|
| vanity |
[03 Aug 2006|08:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 geeky |
] |
Yesterday I had my lower front teeth pulled. I am suppose to go the next two months without any teeth. (the dentist says for better heeling) I'm not so sure about my vanity; Although, they are only teeth, I'm not so sure I can go without them. I was really surprised how little pain the removal caused. Upon returning home from the evil man who had extracted my not-so pearly whites, I felt pretty good. I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie, mowed the lawn, and laid in the pool with a cold cocktail. Not such a bad day after all. Of course, I didn't have to see anyone to expose the gap in my mouth. I think with age, vanity becomes less important. I remember the days when I wouldn't leave the house without an hour of personal grooming. Now it's 15 minutes & out the door I go.
Today will be the test. Will I be self-conscious?
Husband seems to come & go. It seems the relationship hasn't changed, as I had hoped. I believe I'm numb to this situation. I just don't care whether he is here or not. Since his abrupt departure, I have been busy running back & forth to Greencastle working. I bar-tend some days & paint on others. Not the jobs of choice but they pay the bills. I have had several interviews, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the perfect job will come my way any day now.
Today is ugly outside so I will make it a paint day and hope I don't have to smile.
|
|
| Thirty Days later!!! |
[12 Jun 2006|08:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 high |
] |
Thirty days have passed since I returned from the disaster zone. Strange how my thoughts and my dreams remain in Biloxi.
I have worked on some different things this past month...I helped birth calves on the Elk Farm, bottle fed the baby, the mother refused to nurse. The small calves are bitter-sweet...some are born strong & healthy, while others are weak and unable to fend for themselves. Nature at its cruelest...Surely God has a plan for these feeble creatures. The work on the farm is hard, dirty, happy, sad, and worth-while. On July 1, there will be a free farm tour, expecting around 3000 people. The tourist will only see the best of the farm. Blood and death will be kept in the shadows, like the the closet freaks of reality.
I'm thinking all aspects of life have their "freaks" that must remain behind closed doors.
My friend left town, and me in care of his horses. The horses are fun but also have a down-side. One of the big old geldings needed to have his shaft cleaned, for fear of kidney infection. I have been on farms for years but know nothing about cleaning a horse's shaft. Fortunately, I know a girl who did. I'm praying that problem is taken care-of. The idea of caring for a horse in this way is weird...Again Gods plan, I suppose.
My oldest step-son was in a motorcycle accident. Motorcycle accidents are never good, (cars don't look for two-wheelers) Much to the relief of his father and myself, I'm happy to say Caleb is recovering well at home.
Scott and I are attending church on a regular bases and are becoming closer. With the Lord in our lives, maybe we will make it.
Wow! 30 days. And yet Mississippi is still calling...
|
|
| Volunteers Days |
[20 May 2006|09:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
Elaine T and I traveled to the Gulf Coast as volunteers for the Lutheran Disaster Response Organization. We arrived on Sunday 5/6 around 6 pm to the Bethel Lutheran Church in Biloxi MS, which would become our home for the next two weeks.
Work assignments were handed out at the "Green House" which is a house painted green. The funny part is that I thought I would be working with flowers. We were assigned to work with crew of men from PA to hang sheet rock. I could see the men's eyes "Oh! great, a couple of girls." by the end of the week, we had developed a friendship with these 8 individuals who became as close to our hearts as we had become to each other. On Friday the 87 year old lady, who's house we were working on showed up bringing lunch for the group. The lady's brother-in-law sat on the front porch and prayed for our well being, there wasn't a dry eye in the crowd. The gratitude was overwhelming.
Mean while, back at the church at the end of long hot days, we were tired, hungry and not to mention filthy, the volunteers provided well balanced nutritious meals. I attended services with people I barely knew. We laughed, we cried, and we bonded.
On our last day, I decided to stay at the church and do the days cooking. I made lunch, dinner, and 400 peanut butter cookies. I believe hanging sheet rock would have been less work then cooking. That evening after supper, while sitting outside in what had become the "office", we were told of a lady who ran a soup kitchen. Rita who had once been homeless herself was doing God's work out of a small kitchen in a poor neighborhood needed volunteers. My heart called, I knew that my trip wouldn't be complete without a visit to "Loaves & Fishes." We went to help serve the homeless of East Biloxi.
I am in my safe comfy home, pondering the events of the last weeks and quite sure that my tasks are not complete.
There is much love to spread...
|
|
| Mississippi |
[03 May 2006|08:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
I will be leaving for Mississippi on Saturday. As the day is quickly approaching, I am becoming more excited & apprehensive at the same time. I'm questioning "what have I gotten myself into?" What will I find upon arrival? Am I really able to help out the needy when I am so needy myself? You see, this is the first time I have ever done anything of the such, I have always been more of a person who says "what's in it for me?" Now it seems I will be giving. I want to help but at the same time I am still a selfish girl.
God forgive me for these thoughts.
Funny how my biggest concerns is, how will I make the drive without my security blanket. Cigarettes--the nasty little white sticks I have sucked on every day for the last 20 years.
I keep telling myself to over-come this fear, but yet I still have the little voice in my head saying "light another."
One day I hope to be strong. Will keep you posted.
|
|
| The Big Picture... |
[11 Apr 2006|09:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
curious |
] |
I have signed up with the American Red Cross to do volunteer work. Plans are in the works for heading to Mississippi the first week of May. There is a lady near-by, whom I have been in contact with that is setting the whole thing up. I'm really looking forward to contributing my skills in the hurricane ravaged land. A few years back, I got a wild hair and went South on a road trip adventure. I ended up in Mississippi along the coast, where I met and visited some unique people and places. It will be interesting to see what has happened in these past several months.
This county girl is about to be diversified. There are so many things to learn!
Plans for the "Big Picture": Work in the club a couple of days a week, Do as much volunteering as possible, and start on my Bachelors Degree in the Fall.
|
|
| Burniesgirl & Me |
[31 Mar 2006|11:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
Here I am with burniesgirl, and we are going to work on her new journal. So be sure to watch for new adventures.
|
|
| Road Trip |
[29 Mar 2006|09:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
Husband and I went on an eight-day road trip down South. At first I was worried that only one of us would return alive. You see, it has been quite sometime since we have had so much togetherness time. As it turns out, we have grown closer then we have been in awhile. About mid-week it was touch and go, but we made it 2000 miles. I will be looking forward to next years Road Trip.
Now that school and vacation are over, I will be getting down to business, into the real world. So many directions to go--what to do? My heart tells me to help and serve, so I'm thinking of joining the Animal Welfare League, the Red Cross, and the United Way.
Time to roll.
|
|
| school days |
[17 Mar 2006|07:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
I have done it and I'm felling pretty proud of myself. Of course, I'm speaking of the last 18 months. I have completed the degree program at Indiana Business College. I may not be so proud of the school, but I must admit, I learned quite a bit there. 18 long months ago, I never thought I would come to reach this day and yet it is real. I am the only person in my extended family to have a college degree. That in it's self is some to talk about. I only wish my grandfather were here to see that I started something and finished it.
So much has happened in the past 18 months...broke up with my beau and then married him...gained a couple of kids (which I never dreamed possible)...lost my beloved Levi...and a good friend along the way (Michael By-God West, God rest his soul)...met some dear, supportive friends...turned two years older. WOW! What ever will I do with myself now?
I will keep you posted when the grades come in.
|
|
| Year end up-date |
[20 Dec 2005|08:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
It seems, I need to inter my year end up-date.
Last year on "New Year's Eve," hubby & and I made a resolution to stick together one year at a time, given our sorted history, it seemed best to tackle one year at a time; Although, we have had several ups and downs, we have succeeded in making to yet another anniversary.
Another three months have gone by, and my grades are still up where I want them to be. I'm not crazy about the school but I have gained useful information from attending the classes. Three months to graduation (which I will not be attending). I have no desire to be in a room full of people I care nothing about. The piece of paper that says I completed their work is the only thing I want from them.
The criminal charge is over and I have revenge on my mind. The lawyer is a pig, but I will see him in court one more time. The law suit is in the works; To only screw-up one of his precious days, is my dream.
I worried about my sis, for a time, I thought she was going to have a nervous break down. Having put extra pressure on me, with the raising of her boys. Sis is better, and we are going to be heading to Florida to see Mother. With a little luck, I'll be on the show "Who wants to be a Millionaire."
Levi has been gone one year today. I look at his picture, that I keep on my desk, and miss him on a regular basis. Levi was a cool dog. L'Cee has moved into a place in my heart to try to fill the void left by the passing of Levi. I see in her eyes, she knows my pain.
Hubby & I adopted "Dukester", a miniature pincher, he is an idiot, but L'Cee seems to tolerates him. Sometimes, I think she even likes him.
"Here's to the New Year," bring it on.
|
|
| still pushing |
[13 Nov 2005|09:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
Things haven't changed much since my last up-date. As it seems, my buttons are still being pushed.
Living a life with a man who doesn't seem to take an interest in anything about you but sex. It is no wonder there are so many "women loving women" relationships.
On Friday I had lunch with my friend B. As we were sitting in the restaurant, both feeling overwhelmed in our relationships, the thought occurred; women are better listeners, better friends, and just down-right more fun to be around then any man I've met. B and I had a great time, ended up drinking way too much and having to get a man to drive us home. Fortunately,I was asleep when husband got home and didn't have to deal with that situation.
If I could wish upon a star, I would wish for my man, just one time, to get it. To get that thing in my heart that fills my life with the blues.
|
|
| trying times |
[29 Oct 2005|09:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb |
] |
Lately, life has really been pushing my buttons. Where to start?
The lawyer really gave me what for. He reinforced why I hate the pricks. I have been dealing with several of the "sharks". The good news it that I called the Governor's office the other day and there is a way to get back at the lying bastard. First, I have to get things cleared up. Then he will be sorry he ever took my case in the 1st place. Revenger will be sweet. Derrick is in jail and mother is going through a mid-life crises. Leaving me in charge of this latest dilemma. Dealing with Derrick's lawyer doesn't seem to be as bad. I guess because the guy is not holding the fate of my life in his hands. My friend Barb needs me to go with her, too advise on her lawyer situation. The other day at the bank, the girl behind the counter says "if I need a lawyer, you would be the one I would call". Why me, what makes me the expert? I'm having a hard time understanding the power these people(sharks)hold.
The classes are very difficult and take a lot of time. I wonder what made me think I needed to go back to school. Being, I'm such an expert on trying times.
And then there is my husband. Who also thinks I'm an expert on life. After all, he chooses not to talk to me at all. I guess I knew when we got married, it has been a year now, that I was marrying the strong, silent type but a little in-put would sure go a long way right now.
I suppose I should be the "big girl" everyone seems to think I am. Suck-it-in and carry on.
|
|
| good friends |
[23 Sep 2005|11:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
Today I remember what it is like to have good friends. M is turning 70 and 9 put together a last minuit party. What fun it was to hang out with these people, people I wouldn't usually hang with. They always make me feel welcome and loved. So I came home feeling mushy and decided to update. These people are different then any others I have been around. I am honered that they would call me friend. I also am inspired and can find true hope in life. If I had an imaginary life, I would be as talented as M and creative as 9. Great job on the newsletter 9, I was really impressed, as were a lot of others.
|
|
| So much for the judicail system |
[16 Sep 2005|05:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
Lawyers, judges, and the court system, what a joke. The unethical cheating bastards. The day has come, I sunk to their level and gave up. After three years the battle is over. Today I signed the paper that went against everything I believed. Guilty until proven innocent is more like it.
No where to go but up. So, I shall look at the bright-side and move forward. I had my pity party and it's over.
|
|
| busy |
[27 Aug 2005|08:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
Busy, busy, busy, no time to catch up. Yet anyway, will post soon, I hope.
|
|
| wine |
[04 Aug 2005|08:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
Going to start a new job tomorrow at a Winery. Really excited about it. Don't know much about wine but looking forward to learning. The one thing I do know it that I like to drink it. And have probably drank too much of it in my time. We were going to go to a wine show last night but I had to work in the club too late. I will start my learning tomorrow. This is the first time I've accepted a job I know nothing about. I don't know my hours, what it pays, or what I will be doing when I get there. I can't wait to find out. Wine is culture, and culture is experience.
Yippee!
|
|
| frustration and enlightened |
[28 Jul 2005|09:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
creative |
] |
I decided I needed to expand my experience so I got a job in a factory. This however, was a terrible idea. I lasted 6 days. The first week I knew I couldn't stand it but did it anyway. The money wasn't bad. Monday morning I was thinking I can do this. At 5:00 am i was off. I got there and they didn't need me on the machine so I was sent to work in the packing and shipping department. One day of this experience was all I need to convince me I don't belong in a factory. Way too hot, too hard, and too boring. The people who work there are zombies. I refuse to be a zombie like them. I'm creative, expressive, and unique. Anyway, I tell husband, and he hasn't talked to me yet. All the time in the plant I was thinking. Look at the things I have changed since I met him. I've been arrested, gone to jail and worked in a factory. The factory isn't much different then prison. I got behind in my classes. My back hurt too bad and I was to tired to go anywhere. The factory was frustrating. I am enlightened on where I need to be and what I need to do with myself.
I think husband resents my leaving the position. He works his butt off, thinking I don't do anything. School is not work. Will I'm not a man, and I will not kill myself trying to act like one. The past two days I have been off, and things are looking better then ever. I worked in the bar made great money in six hours and I have a line on a cooking position, something I know I can do and enjoy. Cooking has never felt like work. It is a way of expressing myself. Something I really enjoy. Should have went to culinary school instead.
I completed one of my projects and am very pleased with my creative ability.
|
|
| Mother's visit |
[13 Jul 2005|09:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
creative |
] |
Mom made the trip up from Florida last week. Although, she didn't spend much time visiting, it was still nice to see her. My brothers and I made a plan to have a 4th of July party. Mom was too tired from the drive to attend the party. We ended up having a wonderful time here. My entire family was here with the exception of my sister. Jeff bought the fireworks. (it was his first year in charge of explosives.) the fireworks were a nice ending to the evening. Everyone left early and husband & I slept outside under the stars beside the fire. Really romantic (surprise). I got side tracked trying to upload a picture of Mom here. I'll have to talk with my friend about inserting pictures. So, anyway, the next day (4th) I had to have another smaller version party. Mom, the loser, and his daughter were here for a short, but enjoyable visit. Mom had a lot of things to do in only a week. So, I'm hoping to get to spend sometime with her in the future. She called last night to say they made it back to Florida safe. I was working at the bar and didn't get to talk with her. Going to call sometime today. I think my relationship with my mother is better off long distance. We really aren't into the same things anymore.
Have lots to do today and maybe a new project in the making.
|
|
| up-date |
[02 Jul 2005|01:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
Today I was reminded that I haven't tuned in for a while. So here is un update. Life remains pretty much the same. Kids are here this weekend, haven't heard anything out of the ex. She is probably waiting to blow a big one. Husband seems happy and I'm busy as ever. I have 7 classes to finish before I get my degree. Really looking forward to that.
Summer time brings out the best in me and I'm getting ready for the 4th. The 4th is my favorite. Going to have a big to-do tomorrow. Mother will be here on Monday. Can't wait to see her. Didn't know I would miss so much. "Don't know what you have till it's gone".
|
|
| Never marry a man with young kids |
[05 Jun 2005|09:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
So the advice I decided to take from my close friends panned out for awhile. I decided to look at things from the other side of the coin. I know it has been a while and I really tried, but I still continue to make mistakes.
This weekend was a classic example of why not to marry a man with young children. I have never been one to want to have any kids of my own. I have had a few step-kids a couple of times. Nothing like what I have to go through these days. Two weeks ago the mother called and accused me of hurting the youngest one. Which was total bullshit. I have been around kids for years and each of them knows they can come to me with anything. I never pass judgment of the kids (after-all kids are a reflection of their parents). This is probably why my new step-kids are they way they are. Intolerable little brats. Every time they come here my front room turns into a cartoon show-case. The TV blares so loud I can't hear myself think. I can't be in the same room with them. I know their Dad needs to spend time with them but why do I? They don't care for me either. I wonder if the hateful bitch of a mother has something to do with that. So anyway I decided to give it the good-ole stepmother try. I planned activities for us to do as a family. Just to have my plan turn around and bite me in the butt. You see, my husband had this incredible way of excluding me from everything that has to do with his children. I feel like I'm visiting my own house on these weekends. I don't think this life could get any worse right now. Well maybe, the mother could call again. This time I've got her beat, I didn't stay here. I stayed with my friend and had a lovely weekend. I presume this is how I will spend every other weekend in the feature. Unless I can get the courage to make that life altering decision. Divorce is out of the question but separate housing would work just fine as far as I'm concerned.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lizabellaluv's journal