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Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
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11:07 pm
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"Small boys throw stones at frogs in jest. But, the frogs do not die in jest. The frogs die in earnest." ~Pliny the Elder
I like this quote. It's a good one. :)
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| Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
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11:57 am - Good day, really good day.
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It's not even noon yet and I feel really great. Last night I sat with myself and did a lot of contemplating about things and I really feel good now, like I'm on a good path. I was reading some passages from my bible, and the 4 noble truthes and the 8 fold path, and then Wm. Henry Cummings "My Symphony" poem and a lot of things on the spiritual side of me kind of fell into place and I feel more in order now. It's really good. "Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might" is a good montra for me right now. Also, "Judge not least ye be judged" is very comforting as well. I tend to over-explain things in order to justify my feelings for other people so they will not judge me, but that's unfair of me because I'm judging them by doing that. Ok, that might have come out sounding a little confusing, but to me it makes sense. It's like Nicole Kidman in "Dogville" and her arrogance in assuming that she can control herself but the other people are just unable to. I don't want to be arrogent, esspecially like that. I feel like the past few months things have been coming to order nicely for me. It's a good feeling.
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| Friday, July 21st, 2006
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9:00 pm - Pre-weekend freak out
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School ends in December. That is, I graduate in December. What I will do and where I will live is still yet to be determined. Odds are pointing in the direction of living at home for a while till I get on my own feet. The problem is I'm very stuck up and I don't want to rent unless it is from my parents, and I can't afford to own until I have an income and it could be a little while yet before I can afford to live in my adopted hometown because prices are so high and median prices are around $500,000. Yeah, that's a lot. We don't have that kind of money. The people who live here either are really rich or have been here over 5 years. We've been here for 11 and were able to buy a house before the real estate market sky rocketed to unaffordable. I love my home and my parents, but I'm also going to be almost 22 when I finish and I'm just about ready to be living on my own, without a roommate, as an adult rather than a student. I'll be ok to "chill with the 'rents," as it were, it will just take some ego bruising and compromise on both parts. I'm home right now and my dad isn't really understanding why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling kind of...scared, but with out the fear...about finishing school and entering a new arena of life as an educated member of society without anything definate to encounter next. I'm not sure how I feel, it's just weird. My entire cognative life I've known that I'll be focusing on school and the times around school were either dedicated to school or time for some personal stuff. It's weird. It's just weird. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I should really update when I'm happy some time. Just for a change, really.
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| Sunday, July 16th, 2006
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1:41 pm
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I found a really great place to walk where I live now. It's around a lake (really it's a man-made pond) and there are A TON of apartments that overlook the area so I feel realativly safe because people are just a scream away. There is an pile of dirt that they call an island in the middle with picknick tables and a little gazibo thing so I can do grass drills there and not feel totally watched. My body is started to get back into shape from moving so much furniture and stuff so I'm gonna keep going in that direction. I'm also hoping that more physical activity will help me sleep better at nigth because lord knows I need that. I took the trash out today along my new walking path and that really made my upper body feel good so I'm thinking I'll walk with my 5lb weights and see what that does for me. I want to feel good again without having to go back to running because running is so hard for me mentally. It also brings back memories of me punishing myself by pushing harder and harder and ultimatly getting injured. I like the idea of walking. It could me meditative. I don't care about the weight anymore. I'm happy with myself finally. I just want to feel better and healthier. I'm excited about this.
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| Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
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9:10 pm
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I just realized how tired I get when I don't drink enough water. I've been dragging all day and I think I've only had about two glasses of water. I need to improve this.
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| Sunday, July 9th, 2006
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10:34 pm
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I think eating disorders are kind of like being an addict. For me, it's like being in remission. I think I might live with body and eating issues forever, but I'm learning to get over it. I've had a healthier mind set for a couple years now and I'm moving on. I've gotten to a point where I feel able to approach diet (as in what is normally eaten, not trying to loose weight) without feeling afraid of slipping up. I've been reading this book called "French Women Don't Get Fat" and it makes me feel so good about my current life choices. The fact that I'm thinking of things as a choices makes me feel good. The book is good because it's about lifestyle, not just eating. I like that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I'm begining to wonder if my eating problems are just results of obsessive compulsive disorder and my control issues. I've heard that eating disorders are about control and being in control of something in your life. At the same time that I am healthier in terms of body image, I am very dilligent and focused on school. I am very obsessive with grades when, at the lowest points of my ed, I couldn't care less. I've recently realized that my school habits are also very much control issues, and they are not always healthy habits. I suffer from lack of sleep, lack of eating (because i'm working too hard and don't have time to eat, not because i feel like i need not to eat) and nervious stomache problems from stress. I've gone from one unhappy place to another. It's getting better just because I'm realizeing it. I'm doing better and that makes me happy.
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| Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
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2:53 pm
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Things are coming up less bleak. I probably won't have to leave my apartment until the end of my semester and that makes me glad. I'm annoyed that am moving, but at least I have a place to go now. School is weighing down but I'm getting better at it. I've gotten my big projects taken care of. I just have to be sure that I go to bed early tonight so I can finish my homework for the end of the week. I've only got three more weeks and I'm done. This semester has flown by and I'm glad of it. I've got more studying and research to do. I just wanted to remember that I'm feeling pretty good right now, so I wanted to write it down.
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| Sunday, June 4th, 2006
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12:33 am
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I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm annoyed. I'm not having a good time with my roommates and school is hard. Things have turned upward and begun to get better, but I'm still tired. I don't think my bra fits right. Not that that has anything to do with anything. I was just thinking about it. I want fruit and veggies right now but there are none to be had. My room needs to be cleaned but I don't know where to start. There isn't a good reason for writing this, I just am. I'm going to bed in a few minutes, but I need to wash my hair. I think I'm gonna see a baby tomorrow. That will be nice.
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| Saturday, May 6th, 2006
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11:56 pm
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Wow, this is a first, two entries in two days. I've had a hard day. I've not been taking good care of myself lately and that makes me feel bad. I've been eating a lot of really cheap foods like candy instead of actual food like broccoli or something. I've been stressed out and my face is suffering for it in the way of breaking out. I suppose it just sort of reflects how I feel. After this project is done, I think things will kind of settle down, but I'm still nervious. I've been staying up really late recently, as in the past 4 months. It's not a good habit, and I need to honor myself and respect myself by taking care of myself. I'll start now. I'm gonna go have a nice cup of tea and settle down in my bed :)
Ok, Well, good night I suppose.
I think if I'm going to start using this more, which I am, I might come up with a user icon.
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| Friday, May 5th, 2006
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11:24 pm
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School is stressing me out. I'm on the quarter system and school is always in session save for a week or two between each quarter. It is hard to recover in such a short time. Next week is week 5 of 11 and it feels like classes just started. I don't have the rhythm down yet and I feel like I am flowndering. I have a huge event in about a week that I have been working towards for months and I'm so afraid that after it is over I will have a break down. For months I've known that all my spare time and spare energy will be dedicated to my project, and when it is over I'll be unwrapped. Having spare time again is actually kind of an intimidating concept. Things have already started to slow down and I find that when I'm less busy I'm more sad or lonely or at least have time to process my emotions. I don't really like it and i'm really wanting to just be whole. I feel like a mummy about to loose my bandages. I've also been feeling lonely in terms of being single. I'm happy being single and I've been feeling really good about myself but sometimes I want to curl up and be with someone a little bit more inimatly than you can be hugging a relative or just friend. Ok, that just makes me sound horney, but I don't mean sex. I'm a virgin and I prefer it that way for now. It's just comforting to be held by someone who cares and who can whisper "sweet nothings" or kiss my forhead or something. ...I guess that sounds cheesey or something but that's ok. Some guys are still sweet like that. Even my ex could be sweet like that. Now that I've actually typed that all out, I feel a little bit better. It's amazing how that works. It's getting late and I need to get to bed, but I just wanted to update this. I should use this more often...maybe make some more friends even.
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| Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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10:42 pm
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I've been over eating because I've been very stressed lately, and I've gained a bit, but you know what? -- I look great to my self. I mean it too, I feel like my bust filled out a bit, and I love the softness of my curves. I feel smooth and beautiful like a classic renessance madonna. I don't think I've ever felt this way since before puberty. I have been working on garments for my fashion show, and as I adjust where to place the bust enhancers I try them on, and I look really good in them. They are corsets, but they are soft, so they provide smoothing but are not really restrictive. Seeing myself in them makes me feel really pretty, and I like that. even in my clothes, yes my pants are fitting a bit more snuggly, but they are showing off things that I like better. And my bras are fitting better too. I feel really good about myself right now. It's nice.
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| Monday, December 26th, 2005
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10:11 pm - Happy Boxing Day
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The tsunami happened a year ago now. Scary. This year has been a bit hectic and all, but it's getting better. I guess I sort of got a reality check yesterday and today because I saw old home videos of myself. I used to be so much sweeter and nicer and cuter. At age 6 and 8 I was bossy and really bratty. I don't feel good about that. Then today I threw a fit about having a great dane in my car. That really made me feel crappy. Throwing a fit I mean. I feel like a brat. I don't like how I behave and I want to stop it. I'm obnoxious and annoying. It's really not cool. I'm so tired and I just want to sleep or something, but I don't want to be in my room very much. I usually love my room best of all places.
I'm a control freak. I'm obsessive compulsive. I have to have things in a very particular way. I freak out at the drop of a hat and I get so over stressed and anxious. I need to let things flow naturally and I need to loosen up. I can be very not nice to be around. I want Gilmore Girls a lot. I want to be a Rory, not a Paris. I don't want to be a bitchy bossy nastey girl. I don't like that about me. I don't like that I'm so high strung. I used to be very affected by an eating disorder. I've got that under control now but I've transfered my control issues to other things. The OCD thing is way worse these days. That has everything to do with control. I hate how stressed I feel, how tense my neck is. I don't like always having chapped hands from never getting totally dry because the towl is still wet from the last 20 times I washed them. Although, after one or two uses, I want to avoid the towl entirely because it's gross by them. I need to get over and through so much crap that I have. I'm about to go to bed. I have to get up and work in the morning on school stuff. I have to get a change. I have to.
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| Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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6:11 pm
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So it's been well over a year since the last time I even logged on to this journal. I feel like a different person entirely. I was in a relationship that lasted about 8 months and during that time I realized a lot of things about myself. One was that I am beautiful. Every bit of me. I need to be respected because I finally respect myself. As far as my self image goes, I am good. I'm happy with myself for the first time since childhood. I'm content with myself as I am. During my relationship I felt beautiful for being liked, and then as things started to go sour, I realized that I'm worth all the respect in the world and that it's not ok to be treated like an afterthought. I realized my worth and that's good. And now I'm not concerned as much with how I look because I feel like I look more or less "good." Now my interests in diet and excerise have to do with how tired I get and I physically feel. I've also not had an internet connection for the past year and a half so I've only been able to update when I'm at my parent's house.
Yeah, so things are good :)
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| Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
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7:22 pm
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Today has been good so far. I have a few hours to go obviously but so far I think today has been good. I started out good with a nice breakfast, I had a veggie riblet for lunch, and I made a veggie pizza for dinner. Granted I ate the whole thing, but that's fine. I felt terrible because my pants were tight when I put them on today. I'll be fine, I know it. I went to the YMCA yesterday and I am a little sore in a good way. I'm getting back on track. It will just take a couple weeks to get back to normal. I just need to remember to breath and take it day by day.
Beyond that, life is starting to get less stressful. I am sort of looking for a job right now but it has to be temporary because I'm moving up to my new school in July. I made a phone call and I finished my resume and I think things are looking good. Today has been good so far.
:)
current mood:  good
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| Monday, May 3rd, 2004
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1:03 am
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I am trying to settle back into my home and I am unpacking and cleaning out my room sort of. It is kind of difficult because I have to look at all of the stuff I own and go through old clothes and get rid of so much stuff. The past few days I have found some old pages I wrote in frustration and they made me cry to read over them. The things I wrote and the things I did are just upsetting. The ones I found were from february 2000 to may 2000, my freshman year of high school. That is probably when I was the most depressed and upset and everything. I wrote how upset I was and the horrible things I did to myself and the way I treated myself and didn't respect myself. I threw all the pages that I read away. I had forgotten so much of it. One was even from my JR year of high school. I really had a serious problem and I had to go through all of that alone. Now I have this live journal but I still feel alone. I know that someone can read it if they stumble across it, but I also do not feel comfortable to post anything like this in the journal where people who know me can read it. I feel so ashamed of myself and like I lie to people who care about me. I think that since I have become more vocal about my feels towards my body I have stopped being as mean to myself. I fought with my sister today at her house. I watched her walk around. To me, she is so perfect. She is skinny and beautiful and always has guys tripping all over themselves to be with her. I've never even dated anyone before really. I have some friends and I love them dearly, but I have never been entirly open with anyone about my eating disorder. not even myself. i feel so strange even writing this out. As a rational person I realize that I have a lot to ofer and that I am a pretty neat person. My biggest flaw, at least from where I see it as a rational person, is my insecurities about how I look. But then I realize that no rational person would actually behave as I do and that makes my whole basis of reasoning just a pile of crap. I had a problem. I still have a problem. I want to fix the problem I have but I do not know how to do it.
I start a new school soon. I want to look outstanding by the time I go, but I don't know how or what to do. I'm frustrated. I want to be so adult and so mature, but I act so childishly and selfishly. I wish I was 4 again. I wish I could be a child again before I thought anything mattered.
"if you let your dreams come true, happiness will follow you" ~ rainbow to the stars by dune
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| Saturday, May 1st, 2004
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6:46 pm
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So last night I had bad times. Today I'm feeling somewhat better. I woke up planning to go to the Y to work out but instead I helped move about 1200 pounds of clay and tiles around in the garage. Granted it was only about 41-50 pounds at a time, but that about 1200 pounds passed by my hands today. I'll probably be feeling that in the morning.
I've been thinking about my habits more and I'm realizing that I cannot let myself get in the slumps and just gorge on things or go totally manic and just avoid everything all together. I want to improve my mental state and in order to do that I have to be more accepting of myself. In the argument with mother that happened yesterday she reminded me of the concept of moderation. I can enjoy a lot more diverse things if I just keep in mind portions of the more indulgent things. Maybe I will be able to ease up on myself at some point if I learn how to enjoy what I eat and how to know what being hungry, satisfied, stuffed, and bored all are. I do not want to go back to barganing with myself as to what makes my meals ok or not. I need to establish healthy habits and I might be ready to do that now. Here's to trying. Cheers.
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12:57 am
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Ok, i got in a fight with my mom today. not a fight, more like her giving me a hard time (guilt trip) for not eating meat. Ok, I DO NOT WANT TO EAT MEAT. she said if i had a better reason she would be more willing to work around it, but because I don't actually have a good reason she doesn't really appreciate it. How can I tell her why I quit eating meat when I don't entirely know? It probably had something to do with an eating disorder I might have had back then, but I don't know. I probably didn't have an eating disorder either. I wish it could just be ok. But it isn't. I don't want to eat meat, that's all. There are a lot of reasons. It seems so mindless and disrespectful. Red meat...it is a lump of dead, chared flesh. Muscle fibers held together by fat. To me it is like eating feces. I can't do that. It just doesn't seem right. That is my reason, but it's not good enough for her I guess. Eating meat just doesn't seem right. i keep thinking is there a problem? do i even have a problem? then i think of the corner i have painted myself into. i can't go back at this point. i have not eaten meat for so long that it's not really an option ever again. i don't want to. to chew what someone used to walk? I don't, I can't. I can't explain it either. And then I think of this alleged eating disorder situation. Sometimes I wonder if I just pretended and forced myself to fake one or something. "it's never been a problem," i think. "someone would have noticed it." and i really think how could I know? Then other times I think i'm just in denile. As if i realize there is a problem but i don't do anything about it. i remember i used to wish i had on because that would mean i was skinny. i remember trying to quit eating and it never worked. i feel like a black cloud is sitting in my head but it's behind my eyes so i can't see it to know whether it's actually there or if i am imagining it. and i always think about being fat when i eat. i hate it. it's there every day and it's not something i can just turn off. i've gained weight over the last couple of weeks. Well, technically i've lost weight, but in a very bad way. My muscles are getting weak again and i have enlarged and probably new fat cells. I hate this so much. i constantly justify what i eat. i constantly do it in spite of myself. i do it to reward myself, to punish myself. i am so afraid of being fat. of not looking right. i want to look like this image in my mind. it's possible for me. i can look like that, i just have to fuckin get my act together. i must have emotional problems. i don't know. there's no reason for it. i wish i had a friend i could talk to about this. i have friends but not that i could talk about this to. i can't. i feel like if i said anything it would just be for attention. i feel like it's so petty and not even real. this is a hell of my own. this is alone. this is pathetic. this is disconnected. this is hate.
current mood:  guilty
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| Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
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11:34 pm
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I haven't touched this journal almost since I started it. I'm kind of upset. Two weeks ago I went home and I looked fine. Since then I already look aweful. I can tell I have gained weight. My mom was up yesterday and today to help me pack up my dorm, and she can tell i gained a little. Of course it can't be that much because it's only been two weeks. I hate this feeling. I hate not having control. damn. I am so ashamed I can't even finish this entry.
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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6:17 pm - I'm Proud of Myself
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I just got back from the grociery store and I spent about $43 and that was more than I meant to but about $15 was non-food (stuff being a fresh water fitler for my pitcher and fash wash). I bought mostly fresh veggies and some cans of soup. I didn't buy my Newman-O's because they don't carry that brand at target but I will still buy them when I find them because they are an indulgence I feel ok about. I bought some Clif bars because they didn't have any Luna bars and they are the same brand and the Clif were on sale too. They have a lot of protien and lower amounts of sugars and the bad kind of carbs. I do NOT count carbs. I think low carb diets are terrible, but too much of carbs and not enough of protien is even worse for me. After being home for that week and a few days I am feeling great. I ate more balancedly and (is balancedly a word?) and I still am animal product-free. I went to the Rec and Wellness center yesterday and I did the Hardbodies class and I'm so sore today but it's the really good kind of sore. I am having a great day today and I want it to keep all week. I have some homework I really need to finish but other than that I have a lovely evening ahead of me. I'll find out a test grade tomorrow and I'll video tape a project and and finish a millinary project and then I get the evening off without Fingerspelling class. It's going to be a lovely day. And I have cabbage for St. Pat's day. I hope this mood can last forever.
current mood: pleased
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| Friday, March 12th, 2004
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7:51 pm
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It is kind of funny to me how when I'm pretty much getting myself back together that my parents start getting on my case about how i'm eating. I eat fish, but other than that I'm animal free (including milk and stuff). My mom is pitching a fit saying that I'm not getting enough nutrition by cutting out dairy but that's definatly not the case. I'm just generally eatting like shit so that is why I'm not as healthy as I could be. I am by no means sickly thouhg. I'm a good 5'6 1/2" and about 120ish (it fluctuates from 117 to 123 depedning on when I check) and yet I'm not happy with that. My BMI is perfect for someone of my age and height and stuff. I still feel overly self concious but that's because I carry all my weight just like any other 19 year old girl does between my thighs and my waist. I don't like how it looks and it frustrates me and I want to fix it. I can't fix it by eating crap food and not exersizing at all and not sleeping enough. I just can't do it. I don't really know what to do though in all honesty. I cannot re-incorrperate dairy into my diet because of what it does to me, and I can't eat meat either and I don't think it would help. I need to actually do stuff rather than just sit around and complain about it. I tend to be pretty good at that last thing. Yeah. Actually, I think I'll get up and go work on my classwork. Some spring break this has been. I've been working on school related stuff the entire time. But at least I'm not so sick-feeling and tired all the time.
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