liek_ehmagawd

wow i cant  believe dance  camp starts tomorrow. and  school  starts next week. there were so many things i wanted  to do this summer that just never got done. it seems that thats always the way it works. its crazy how fast lives goes these days. like one day im writing out my goals for sophomore year and i blink and here i am, a week before my junior year starts. its crazy. 

i would have never suspected that i would still be this fat by the end of  the summer. i suppose thats a good thing, as i enjoyed my summer. but its very hard looking at myself and knowing i have to start school looking this way. its depressing actually. i would have liked to have better will power and be much lighter and more toned by this time. but i never really do what i say im going to.. 

i got a job and made some money this summer.. as planned. i didnt hang out with as many people as i would have like to.. or partied as much as i would have liked  to either. nor did i exercize as much as i should have. but after  a very good rafting trip last weekend, i think im almost ready to start school. i just need to do some shopping, which i will next weekend. i wish i was about 10 pounds lighter  though.. then i could actually enjoy shopping. the whole time i know im just gonna be trying on stuff and wishing i wasnt so damn fat. i started a low carb diet right around the last week of august and messed up like three times before doing it sucessfully for about a week. i was just starting  to notice my pants getting loser when i binged last thursday. it was my first time in over a week. and sure enough, my body went out of keosis and i gained everything back. what a waste of all that time. now i started again today, which only gives me a week until school starts... what a shame. 

also, i died my hair brown, hoping it would look nice and more sophisticated for school, and i just noticed that the color hardly stuck. i can see the blond peeking through. im pretty sure its because my hair was too damaged  for the pigment to stick to it. the lady at the salon should have warned me. because its  bullshit paying so much for my hair  to look like this. im not sure what to do.. i sort of want to dye it again, just so i would actually be brown again. but thats probably not good.. i also kinda want to just get a bunch of highlights to even it out, but that would be pretty expensive for just having paid a hundred dollars to get my hair done. its also much shorter than i would have liked. i never seem to like my hair... i just feel so ugly now. im totally fat and untoned and my hair is short  and choppy and a nice shade of shit brown with a hint of orange. oh how i dont want to start school next week. 

i also hate my  school.. nobody really knows or understands me. god i hate this =[

so saturday through yesterday i did great. i thought i was finally done with this nasty habit of bingeing and purgeing. and then today i had such a nasty binge! five days without messing up and then i binge and take back all the hard work. its so exausting doing  this.

just yesterday i felt pretty and happy with my life because for once i wasnt completly dedicated to my ED. and then i go binge and now im sitting here, hating myself and wishing i could go back in time. but i cant. i thought purgeing it would help but your body still absorbs the carbs and calories. i  could have stopped after the two cookies and only had  to burn off a few hundred calories, but now theres not much use in even working out because theres no way i could burn off all those carbs. that would be several hundred calories, and i dont have the time. 

and school starts in a little over a week, and im currently fatter than when summer started. i cant even explain how much i dont want  to go to school in a week! im seriously so fat, i cant get new clothes untill i lose a good ten pounds, and i cant go to school without new clothes. and i hate everyone at my school so much, i just never want to go there again. im so sick of highschool and all the rumors and gossiping. 

i just wish i could dissappear for a while. i want to cut

ahh i just ate four ricecakes! thats 200 calories.. jeeze

so far today ive had: 2 egg whites w/ ketchup = 50 calories
coffee with milk and creamer = 70 calories
chicken and brocily = 150 calories
some blueberries = 40 calories
a few samples of ice cream = 50 calories
4 rice cakes = 200 calories

so thats 560 calories. and i was supposed to stay under 500.. yuck

 so im about to go to work. i just thought id post my day.. 

2 eggwhites with sugar reduced ketchup = 50 cals
two triscuits = 35 cals
a serving of sugar free pudding = 90 cals
a little bit of cookie (why do i do that?) = 45 cals
which equals 220 calories

then for dinner i prepared two chicken breasts and two servings of brocily (170 calories) and then ill probably have a few samples of ice cream (120) and a string cheese (80). and then another egg white when i get home (25). and if i feel like it ill have a cup of strawberries or blueberries (80). so thats like 700 for the whole day. 

plus i did leg lifts and bridges. and then i poorly did 2 reps of the gorilla workout. five and a half hours of work has got to burn some calories. and then i get home ill do another 2 reps of the gorilla thing. 

 so far today ive had:

some veggie chips: 100 cals..?
half a bag of kettle corn: 60 cals
two servings of sugar free pudding: 190 cals
a serving of triscuits: 120 cals
an apple: 100 cals
a yogurt: 60 cals 
a big chunk of bread: 240 cals

and then for dinner tonight im gonna have: chicken with vegtibles: 210 cals
a little big of ice cream: 120 cals

so thats 1200 calories exactly. wow not as bad as i thought, i wish i wasnt too tired to work out.. :/

tomorrow im gonna work on having like 1000 calories, but no simple carbs. i need to stop eating those fuckers. and when i get good at that, ill start watching my carb intake a little more

 i would post this on a community but i feel like im too fat to post on an "anorexic community". i eat way to much and dont exercize nearly enough to concider myself one with "anorexics"

i was on the phone earlier and i was so hungry i just ate some blueberries. i have no idea how many i had. i know it was less than a cup though. in which case is 90 calories and 21 carbs. FAT FUCKING ASS. i should exercize and do my 35 minutes of tae bo like i said i would, but its already 12:30 and im so tired. im so lazy these days. 

and i leave for lake powell tomorrow. fuck my life. i HATE when my daily routines are messed with. nobody is going to let me eat like four egg whites a day. and even if we have eggs, i bet there wont be any sugar reduced ketchup. or fruit. i really really hope there is some fruit there. and besides tomorrow morning before we leave, i wont be able to exercize for six days!! i cant purge when im there so if i mess up, im just screwed. and im sure they will be serving me three meals a day. i hope to god i dont slip. i cant let myself slip again. but i have a feeling i will. 

and thats not even the worst part. i have to be in a bathing suit for six days straight. i cant even look at myself in a bathing suit. how am i ever going to let everyone else?? there are soo many important people going too.. i cant go out like this. i just cant. why do i have to be so fat? if it werent for all my fucking bingeing recently, i bet i could be 105 pounds like i wanted to for the trip. i just wish there was some way to push it back a week or something so i could have more time to prepare. last time i went to lake powell, i was a good ten pounds heavier and i wasnt even concerned with my weight.. now its going to be all im thinking about the whole time. this is like my favorite place ever and i dont even want to go because im so fucking fat! 


=[ 

so far today ive had:
two egg whites with 2 tablespoons reduced sugar ketchup: 50 cals, 2 carbs
two sticks big red gum: 20 calories, 10 carbs (eeek)
two sticks strawberry/banana trident: 10 calories, 4 carbs
one weight-watchers cheese stick: 50 cals, 1 carb
two triscuits: 40 calories,  6 carbs
half an apple: 50 calories, 9 carbs
two cups coffee with a little 2% milk: umm... 40 cals, 4 carbs

so thats 260 calories and 36 carbs. i cant believe ive already had 36 carbs!! its cuz of that frikkin big red gum! i had no idea it had 10 carbs! guess the 30 carbs a day thing isnt really working.. 

so far today ive done 15 minutes of tae bo. i think im gonna do a half an hour of interval running in place and then ill have another egg white with ketchup and a  cup of brocili (55 cals, 5 carbs) for dinner. then the rest of the night ill have another cheese stick and a cup of sugar free jello (60 cals, 1 carb) and do 35 minutes of tae bo before bed.

-9:30 am   ----> wake up
-do 15 minutes tae bo
-get ready
-eat 2 egg whites with reduced sugar ketchup = 50 calories, 2 carbs

-hang out with friends
-eat one apple throughout the day = 100 calories, 17 carbs

-afternoon -----> come home
-another egg white w/ ketchup = 25 calories, 1 carb
-do 4-5 intervals of running in place

-evening------->grocery shopping with dad
-dinner: 1 cub steamed broily = 30 calories, 4 carbs
1 egg white with ketchup = 25 calories, 1 carb

-night-------->hang out with boyfriend
-50 blueberries = 40 calories, 10 carbs
-another cup of brocily or another eggwhite if needed
-35 minute tae bo video
-bridges

which should leave me at about 300 calories and 36 carbs. but then again, my friend will probably force me to eat something so who knows.. id like to be back to 113 by the time we leave for powell, but i dunno if thats possable.. =[

breakfast: one large egg white with reduced-sugar ketchup = 25 cals, 1 carb
lunch: medium apple = 100 cals, 17 carbs
dad's dinner: four small bites keish = umm.. 100 calories, 3 carbs
my dinner: one large egg white with reduced sugar ketchup = 25 cals, 1 carb
four large strawberries = 40 cals, 5 carbs
drinks: three cups coffee with a little milk = 60 cals, 6 carbs

so so far today thats 350 calories and 33 carbs.

and the eggs had 8 grams of protein, the apple had , and the milk had 4 so thats 13 grams of protein today. im trying to stay under 30 carbs a day, but its sooo damn hard. i think the apple with 17 carbs is just kinda destroying the 30-carb rule. ive just been eating an apple a day forever, it would be really strange to stop now.

ok so its 9:30 pm already and i really really need to study for my finals!! im such a procrastinator!

but anways.. i just wanted to come up with a plan to up my exercize. if i want to look good in lake powell, i really need to step it up. 

so im gonna set my alarm for 5:45 instead of 6:15, ill do 100 jumping jacks and ill wash my face, pick out my outfit, straighten my hair, and pack up my bags and lunch and everything. and then when my dad leaves ill do a 20 minute tai-bo video and get ready and go to school. 

then while im doing my homework and stuff, i need to do 3 more reps of 100 jumping jacks. after my dad goes to bed ill do another tai bo video. then streach, do a workout from seventeen or cosmo girl and then 20 situps. then get ready for bed, and do another 100 jumping jacks. 

and apparently i need to really cut down on my carbs. so in addition to giving up refined carbs, im gonna cut down to like 30-35 carbs a day untill this trip. my plan for tomorrow:

breakfast: half an apple = 50 calories, 9 carbs
lunch: half an apple = 50 calories, 9 carbs
dinner: shove whatever dad makes onto lap, only taking a few bites = 100 calories, 4 carbs
boca burger = 100 calories, 6 carbs
snacks: 7 strawberries = 60 calories, 7 carbs
cucmbers = well just say nothing

so thats like 400 calories and 34 carbs..

so  i was fasting today, and my dad made me eat dinner with him. (he never makes me eat dinner with him on sundays, wtf?) 

we had salmon and aparagus wrapped in this loaf of crissont thing and topped with hollindaise sauce. can you say fat and calories?? the salmon and asparagus is plenty for dinner, you really dont need to wrap it in the most fattening and highest GI bread product and top it with butter/egg yolk sauce. but luckily i only had like three bites, and only of the salmon and asparagus part. 

so im guessing under 100 calories.. hopefully. 

im apple fasting tomorrow. half an apple for breakfast, half an apple for lunch, and another apple for dinner and the rest of the night. i really hope i can do this. then im just restricting on tuesday, and hopefully i can be to 114 or 113 by wednesday morning. which leaves me exactly a week to lose like eight pounds. not possable. i guess ill just hope to be 114 by wednesday, and pick a goal from there. 

xoxo

 i hate when i eat so much that i cant add up the calories in my head.. 

snap peas = 40 cals
popcorn = 50 cals
cereal = 110 cals
toast = 120 cals
grapes = 90 cals

so thats 410. and then if everything goes right tonight ill finish those snap peas and have an apple (100) and a pria bar (110) so thats 620 which isnt too bad. 

i binged last night :/
on a donut, like 20 saltine crackers, three pieces of toast, a couple bites of lemon merang pie, three bowls of special k with milk, a few handfuls of lays, like three slices of roast beef with cheddar and four strawberries.
it wasnt like a really really bad binge, because i mostly had low cal toast, special k and crackers, and thos are relativly low cal. but it was still about 1200 calories, if i were to take a guess. i can accept one binge a week without freaking out too much, but if i binge this weekend im seriously gonna kill myself. i can feel a binge coming on tonight.. im scared

breakfast: cup of coffee with milk = 50 calories
half an apple = 50 calories

lunch: half an apple = 50 calories
two bites of my friends sandwich = umm... 30?

dinner: about 5 or 6 ounces of salmon and steak = 400
half an ear of corn on the cob = 50

after dinner: cup of coffee with a little milk = 30
cup of mixed berries = umm 80...? 

so thats 840 calories... eeek. its cuz my dad made me eat frikkin dinner with him so i ate a chunk of salmon and some steak, thinking that 3 ounces was the size of a computer mouse and then i found out its the size of a deck of cards.. so i had like 400 calories on meat alone.. grrr

but i went for an hour long walk with my boyfriend which is about 170 calories and then did 20 minutes of tai bo and some streaching and situps which is like 80 calories. so if i didnt exercize at all that would be 560 calories which isnt too too bad. and tomorrow will be better hopefully

i want to be to like 106 pounds by june 15th.. is that possable? tuesday night i was 116.6 pounds.. and im not weighing myself untill june 2st (sunday) and hopefully ill be 113 pounds. which im not sure if thats even possable but that would be really cool. then ill set some more goals from there..

 im just so fat, i just hate myself so much. 

i just want to be skinny. i feel so nasty right now. im a fucking whale. i dont even want to go to school tomorrow. not only do i have a huge math test but my double chin and chubby cheeks have multiplied overnight. god i just hate myself. i just want control

i hate this feeling

i wana be skinnyyyyy =[

i just  binged.. big time! and i already purged after my dad made me eat dinner with him and then there was the binge and there was probably a good 1000 calories in there. and i dont feel like purging again..

i feel soo shitty. why do i even do that? i hate myself so much when i do that. 

i seriously had a serving of ice cream, two servings of chips (300 cals), three and a half slices of 130 calorie pound cake, a serving or two of hot cheetos, a glass of milk and a 110 calorie cheese stick.. im guessing around 1670 calories. eeeeek. im so fuckin pissed! and i would work out but im so tired im about to pass out (without even doing my homework) 

im such a fuckin retard 

so  i had some like 40 calorie popcorn. 

and then my dad made me eat dinner with him... grilled salmon with asparagus. i have no idea how many calories are in that. and it it had honindaise sauce which i also have no idea how many calories are in. i dont really want to know either. 

i dont have a hard time avoiding food when its not near me, but when i have to sit down at a meal, its so hard not to eat is just cuz im used to clearing my plate. i need to get better at pushing food around my plate

tomorrows another day..

so today ive had:

half a grapefruit with splenda= 30 calories
100-calorie-pack = 100 calories
half a pickle = 5 calories
a carmel = 20 calories

so thats 155. and then ill have that other half of grapefruit with splenda later when i get hungry.. leaving me at 185 calories.

 heres the workout scedual from 9:30 to 10:30 everynight.. 

run in place in room for 15 minutes
streach in living room for 10 minutes
3 sets of 10 butt lift things
tricep pushups
100 jumping jacks
20 bowtie crunches
2 sets of 10 reverse lunge kicks
1minute plank
15 jump squats
dictionary walk thing (15 forward, 15 backwards)

hopefully i can get that done in an hour and get to bed by 11. because i havent really been getting enough sleep recently.

breakfast : water

lunch: a cookie = 130 calories
a slice of bread = 45 calories
a cinnamon muffin = 100 calories
2 slices of quesadilla = umm idk like 300..? 

wow that kinda sucks

dinner = green tea.. i hope

fasting tomorrow

so far today..

breakfast: 1/2 a grapefruit with splenda = 60 calories

lunch: a cookie = 160 calories

snack: 2 slices of bread with i-cant-believe-its-not-butter = 90

then before i leave for my friend's house ill have another glass of green tea and slice of bread. hopefully they dont make me eat dinner with them.. if they do im just gonna get eat a small portion