Oceanic

What I'm noticing about myself lately is that more and more often I stand out. I don't like the same things everyone like and nobody seeme to get why I like this or that. It's like everyone are on one wave and I'm on my very own.
I am not sure if that makes me feel better or worse because on one point - I dont want to be absolutely authentic, I like to have my own way, but on the other - it is my friends, who I feel less and less connected to. Because from what I learned for sure - never muse on the outcasts. Today you are with the majority, tomorrow you'll find yourself an outcast. Of coz, I am not a saint and sometimes I give my mind way and am really mean, but I always feel slightly disturbed when I am talking and very guilty afterwards.
What I hate about it all is the feeling of being dismissed. There's this kind of people: when you are in their good graces it makes you feel safe and warm, but you fall out of grace very soon and feel dismissed and it leaves you confused. I've been like that myself when I was younger. Now as I get older I learned to keep most people at arm's length, do not let anyone get under my skin. I may seem an open book, but I always feel a little relieved when I say goodbye to most people at the end of the day and go back to my place, where no one is allowed.
All I really want is to fall out of this constant pursuit or even more like a contest of attention and affection. I want to have somebody who will stay forever and will be smart enough to have his own point of view on things, but will gladly accept mine. Who will welcome a little argument, and will not try to avoid me or agree with me just to make me shut up.

Do you sometimes wonder if it is you, who are really dull or it's just wrong people around you?

I still can't believe they are making it into a movie. I know, I saw a lot of candids just now, took a closer look at the actors (nevermind Robert, i know him well-enough) and no matter how much I try I cant get to like'em. They are supposed to be beautiful, supernaturally beautiful and they're... how to say... NOT. They r nice, yeah, faces are likeable, but there's no lure about them. Especially Edward! God, Gaspar Ulliel was born to be Edward, and dammit, I know, probably he is not even aware of the Twilight series existance. But this is so unjust. Just as Stephen Strait should've been Jacob, but that would be too much to ask.
But all in all - it's disturbing. Every amazing 3 minute youtube video is way better than what thus movie is going to be. I dont want it to be out there, to be popular. Yet, coz it's inevitable. I still want it to be a little sacred, a little smth no one but me (and all the western world of coz) know about. I dont want my images and sound-visions (fanmixes) wretched by other's perception. I know in the end, curiosity will get the best of me and I'll still go and see it, but I want this moment never to come. I wish they'd left it where it was - lj/youtube fandom.
p.s. Russian covers are terrible. Make me sick. I love myself for buying the original ones.

Okay, the level of shopaholism is increasing in me from month to month now. I develop the kind of itching for shopping. I have to admit I now have way more things than I actually wear. And every time I buy something new, I always promise myself that I'm really going to wear it on a day-to-day basis. There are, however, some lucky outfits to which I fulfill my promises, but thy are not many...
The passion with which I buy clothes are more of a collectioner, than of a fashion fiend. It has something to do with aesthetics, surrounding myself with beautiful things. Like, I need to posses this! Even if I wore it once (like "Atonement premiere" or smth like that) I will consider it justified. What upsets me, there are still things I bought like 2 years ago and have never worn. This frustrates me, coz I really want to wear them, but There's always some big "no": weather, mood, ill-matching with my other clothes.
I still can't figure, is this all about the looks, the outside or something on the inside, some need to express myself, and to feel cooler just from the fact that I own something.
I wonder, if I, common, maybe even lower, than traditional middle-class girl have so much stuff and feel the weight of my wardrobe on my shoulders, what about celebrities who buy more than all i have in one day? How do they arrange their clothes?

They say children shouldnt'a pay for parent's mistakes. Well, in fact, neither should parents. It's kind of embarassing at 19 years old when your Mummy has to plea your case before some authority, but at least cowardly enough, it wasnt me asking fro it, it just turned out that way. I've never felt more grateful to her, nevermind how it will turn out tomorrow. I used to get very sulky at school coz she would never defend me when i did something stupid like other parents did for their kids, but who knew she would have to do this now, when i'm practically an adult... who knew.
Thank you, Mum. I love you so much and I'm so very sorry for what I am.

I really want to believe there's some place up there, in Heaven, where all the young boys, young souls go. Where they are at peace and happier than we are here. For the rest of the time, for forever.

Sometimes I so wish I was a boy. So I could break free of this stupid University, go out anywhere, be a Taxi driver like Joe in "Across the Universe" or just wandering around like Holden Caulfield. But I'm not, and I cant just be free, I have to be doing all those incredibly boring, hateful things without any actual point. I so desperately do not want to drop out and at the same time just hate so much.
It all ends up in: I don't know who I am after all. I can work, like have a job in the office and do it every day, but I hate to study. I can never stop wondering when was that breaking point when I stopped being a good kid with good grades and learning skills and ended up where I am now. It's like I died somewhere in the middle of my life and a new person was born.
Maybe it's just all about a bad mark, the feeling of being hopeless and doomed. It's not going away, not with tears, not with anything. I really want it to go away.

Sometimes I just can't help wondering WHY the hell the girls who really look like boys, dress like boys and behave boyishly (and my mom call me pathetic coz i wear j.lo jeans and hoodies all the time) are moving in with their boyfriends at 19 and I am single (not just *single* - not a single boy in this whole (huge) town think i worth a single glance)???
Honestly speaking, most of the time I have the answer right away: because I am self-centered, spoilt, shy, not quite socially gifted and feel really disturbed when being looked at by strangers. Because there are times when i really hate myself and they say you are not supposed to get a boyfriend until you love yourself. I am just too complicated for what people call "relationship". But, hey, if I'm not going to get married, there are still millions of kids in the orphanages who really need a Mommy, so I will still be able to have a child at least. That's what I really want more than any boyfrind/husband.

Dreamt of "Invasion". Literally: we boarded the plane (destination seemed to be Turkey, but nevermind), I went fast asleep, than woke up for a several minutes, realized (and saw) that i was all covered in that *yak* kind of sticky substance, thought that it was too late for fighting it and just went back to sleep, letting the process finish.
Woke up invaded. But it was indeed really painless. Just a little scarry.

My personalDNA Report

i used to think of myself as a compassionate person. But lately I've been feeling like a level of compassion in me starts to be unhealthy. I mean almost every little thing can upset me on the streets - old people, poor people. Things about life in common, even the thing that my mom haven't learned english when she was young upsets me coz i wish for example she could watch movies with me or smth. The way i wish she travelled all over the world and i'm not sure i can provide that for her in the future. Stuff like that, common thoughts and fears of life, death, possible grieves and sorrows of one's life, all these just makes me extra vulnerable and unstable. This pressure keeps growing and growing and i dont know what to do to take things EASIER. I must develop the sense of being secure. I used to think it can all go away if i could have somebody to love and comfort me (okay, a boyfriend), but now even this does not seem a solution to me.
Have you ever felt anything like this people? It's very childish fears, but they are being worsen by the fact that i'm kinda 19 now.

Listening to Hilary Duff's latest album right now. In fact i have it since April (cost me considerable amount of money coz traditionnaly i buy her licenced cd's), but back then i was into different kind of music.
In fact, comparing to other's like LiLo or Ashlee Simpson her music is less emotional and more *commercial* and she, herself, less impressive. But somehow i always liked her more than any of them. Though lacking originality and expression her music is still calm and pleasant to listen to (like a background for example). She is sweet, good-looking and much more natural and nornal than those mad alcoholical drug addicts or all-american Barbie-dolls (like Simpson Sisters).

My job in GVA gave me three main things everyone need in their lives: sense of being needed and useful, relief from various issues and simply JOY. Now I am once again all alone, facing all of my demons at once and no place to run and hide from them. They torn me apart, killing everything good that used to remain in me. I am going under. There are only two things that can possibly save my soul: CARE. and LOVE. Gosh, i sound like a Beast from Disney cartoon or like any other hero of the type - cursed. Who will have enough courage to love me? Who will take the challenge to tame the shrew?
The only answer i get is: no one. Just as I expected.

It never cease to amaze me, how guys on IMDB (and in some of lj-communities) take things from a movies so damn seriously. First - that madly funny, but in truth ridiculous and retarded argument on POTC, whether Will was the real father of Elizabeth's son and now on Hills Have Eyes board there is a thread about rape scene. Some people claim that this 5 vague minutes ruined the movie for them (when others, close to majority do not actually realized it was a rape). You know, when i read that my first impulse is to reply to this or that thread, but than i see someone who is going nuts about that, accusing everyone else of insensitivity, low moral standards, etc. And then you realize, if you are going to reply to that you are no better. I've seen similar arguments about Havoc, considering rape as well, by the way. You know, what irritates me about those people is that they dont seem to understand the idea of MOVIE (doesnt matter, horror or drama or whatever). IT'S NOT REAL. I, myself, was disturbed and even disgusted by Das Perfume when i first saw it and I was close to those hysteric people who are like "this shouldnt have been shot!". But now i feel absolutely calm about it, it's fiction, it's much deeper and philosophic than horror movie, but nonetheless, it's hard as hell to watch, a lot of violence, but not a blatant one, like guts flying all over the place, its far more perversive and damaging to one's nerves and psyche. Well, coming back to HIlls Have Eyes, it's really scary in the way it's realistic, and not only in the physical department, also the behaviour of people is the kind of "i think i would have done absolutely the same". And, you know, when you see a director, it's clear that he is perfectly normal, very charming guy who is just an enthusiast of his job.
What's wrong with you people? You keep squashing our brains with you "democracy" and you, yourself, cant handle a scene in a R-rated horror movie? I tend to have a very low opinion of the russian audince in majority (there are smart ones but not many), but i've never heard or read on any russian board anything like "you are all shit because you think that rape in a movie is okay". Take it easy, guys. Relax. If you see the movie is R-rated, dont watch it, and if you still wanna watch it, dont go complaining or whats worse - be dumb, aggresive and thus highly annoying.
And, adding to the topic in general, i've seen a lot of communities, dedicated to actors, where the rules said that any paparazzi pictures are banned from posting. What's interesting, is that in our country and in most Europe ones as fas as i know, actors are not being chased by paparazzi, they are not being watched from the bushes when they are on the beach with their families like tonns of Hugh Jackman familly pics for example. What seems odd to me is that everyone is saying that Hugh Jackman is one hell of a dad, but actually celebs tend to hide their children from press, when almost every Jackman familly weekend is in fact a big photoshoot. No one takes photographs of celeb's kids if their celeb parents do not want it (have you ever seen Daniel Craig's daughter? Or do you often see Jennifer Connely's kids?). Johnny Depp is long known for being mad about his kids being photographed, and Hugh Jackman does not care? Okay, his right, but, you, guys who run the community, then, dont go showing off your nobility asking to remove them. It's not porn, it's cute pics after all and if they are all ovet the web i have legal right to admire them if they move me as a person watching someone playing with his kids can be moved. If you deny me this right, then you are stupid, not me.

Heh, its so awesome - everytime i get down here, the first thing i see is this fucking unbeliavably outrageously impertinetly sexy grin and i can't help feeling better even when im *dead*.
Right now i'm trying very... well', i'm trying to prepare for my exam. Listeting to music quiiietly (not sure its exactly helpful, but at least its comforting). Yeah... actually, it depressed me a bit that my last post here is so ugly emo outburst, so i wanted to be positive. Not that it's much to be positive about right now in my life, but, hey, if i'm so keen on my previous years i can clearly remeber i have been dramatic, but not deadly pessimistic. Wake up, girl, c'est la vie! It's going to be Supernatural today and their sunshine cretinism is gonna fix you just right! And Heroes, yeah, Heroes! And LOST! And... well, you see, you still have many things to hold on to. You are ALIVE.

Do you think this is easy? Easy to be angry, crushed, to feel almost nothing but pain and despair and dissapointment every day every minute? Do you think i enjoy it? To be lost in countless little crimes you make through the day? To be cruel and realize it and suffer even more from it? To be pathetic, to be addictive, to be everything you swore not to be ever again and fighting with it leaves no time for normal life? Watch as it destroys me. Rejoice over my former-self, broken down, agonizing, bleeding. The things i believed in are betraying me. My own beloved past. But i will willingly take'em back if only they could come back. But they arent. So, watch as it destroys me. And don't forget your popcorn.

Im not tired. I just hate reality around me. I wanna get lost somewhere and come back to different world. *I dont believe in Romeos and Heroes anymore*. I just want my life back, the one i know and like, not this dull existance.
Can somebody feel the Sunshine indside like i am and like i want to? I am afraid even to let this feelings go, take over. Because they mean more than anything to me now.

"This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by" (c)

There will always be reasons for feeling not so well. Because life really isn’t a candy-shop. What matters is how you cope with them. I am not ready to give up, though I’m the happiest when asleep or watching movies. I’ve learnt somehow to catch every glimpse of peace where it comes up, so I have something to live up to through the rain of tears and thunderballs of emotions.
In a perfect world this could never happen © But the life is not only imperfect. It’s unforgiving. And I’d be a dolt, if I deny that I’ve been the goddamn luckiest person alive lately. I mean things could be pretty much worse and though broken dreams still ache much, like fresh splinters, I can’t let them take over.

A - AVAILABLE:
depends for what.

B - BIRTHDAY:
March 16th

C - CRUSHING
josh-hartnett-justin-chatwin-look-a-like

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD:
CoLa

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO:
everyone i love

F - FAVORITE BAND(S):
coldplay, travis, starsailor, queen, dashboard confessional

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS:
Bears, definately

H - HOMETOWN:
anywhere the heart is

I - INSTRUMENT(s):
Piano

J - JUGGLE:
...

K- KILLED SOME ONE:
love to sometimes. joke.

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE
well, not anything really impressing

M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR:
banana, peach

N - NUMBER
5

O - ONE WISH?:
to be happy again.

P - PERSON WHO LAST TEXTED YOU:
silver_gleam

Q- QUIET?:
pretty often

R - REASON TO SMILE:
not today.

S- SONG YOU LAST HEARD:
cascada "a never ending dream"

T - TIME YOU WAKE UP:
7 a.m.

U- UNDERWEAR YOU'RE WEARING:
pants. details?

V - VEGETABLE YOU LOVE:
dont exist.

W - WORST HABIT:
eating myself from the inside.

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD:
various

Y - YOUR NUMBER OF FRIENDS ON MYSPACE:
0

Z- ZODIAC SIGN:
Pisces. i'm a water girl.