Suicide · by · Prophecy

The Day that never Was ( I found myself )
I woke up today a man without life.

For the first time in a week i woke without a headache. My mind was free from the squeezing tremors i've been experiencing over the last week. In the place of that familiar pain was a new experience. My body was racked with tension, my sinus were on fire, and my eyes were completely dry.

To say i started the day poorly would be an understatement.

Work was shit, is shit, and will forever be shit.

I found out today that i will not advance in the company whatsoever.

So, i'm reaching out for favors that most likely have been forgotten. I'm reaching for a hand hold on a any path better than the one i'm on.

For today i released my life is meaningless. Everything i write, every word i say, and every act i perform are for nothing. I am a waste of flesh. Each day i wake up, its a mistake or just dumb luck.

If you haven't experienced that truest of truths, wait. I'm not saying that you will feel the truth i felt, i hope you don't. Today was a dark day. I always wanted to be different than my parents. In some respects i am. Sometimes i am able to craft words into sentences that work. Othertimes i can't. It is the other times that are the problem. I can be a kin and i can be a peasant, but more the latter than anything else. I cannot consistantly merge syllables into magic. I am unable to control the flow of dark forces within my form. I am weak. I lack the ability to keep my cool.

I'm slowly dissapearing into the void, my only anchor, the girl.

I haven't slept, but i'm exhausted; watching the Departed on DVD.

I want to work on the Killing Heart, but i'm afraid.

I've found myself.

I am and always was,

In the gutter.

Dream

(As most know i've been in and out of the hospital as of late, my airways randomly closing off... suphocating me in my sleep.)

Breathing isn't getting easier.

I'm taking the steroids and the inhalors, but i'm still finding it hard to get air inside of me. It's strange.

It makes me remember my childhood a bit clearer. As a child i spent one night a week in the hospital, becuase my airways would close off at the slightest viral wind. I remember lying in the shadows and wondering if my eyes would open the next morning, or if apnia would end it.

Now I could really care less.

I know that my mission has been found, and that my death will do nothing but accelerate it. For i am not made for greatness, but it is she that is meant for that light. I am merely a teacher, a spiritual tutor, to guide her towards her fate. She will change the world, in my meager wake.

She will bask in the glory, as i dissapear beyond the shadows.

On Dark sailed ships i ride, crashing into dark continents beyond conception. Called by those with names we can not pronounce. I will fall into that maw of terror, for just one glimpse of the choatic world they will breed...

- Excerpt from upcoming novel by Zachary and Brandi Dreams

- Dream

spread the word.

Also available on Amazon:

www.amazon.com/gp/product/1425944930/sr=8-1/qid=1156044183/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-0830994-5519046?ie=UTF8

As well as on Barnes and Noble:

search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9781425944933&itm=7

Again
I'm sketching out characters again.

I'm writing poetry again.

I'm feeling the beat of my own heart again.

I love the song Again, by Lenny.

I realized, thanks to Slade, that my life and my personal character both match up with all the john cusack movies (except serendipity, because that one blew) Especially High Fidelity, which i am watching now. I can remember every relationship in detail, every second, every feeling, every smell. The smell of Victoria Secret body perfume, will always remind me of lust and first love... but also of evil incarnate. The feel of fishnets will remind me of tantric sex, the smell of vanilla... raw sex with my best female friend after graduation.

I remember everything, especially in a depression.

To be honest, i am suicidal again, but i would never act on those impulses.

I promised Lawson i would keep it going until a finale was needed, or the end was coming on slowly.

Yes, i made a promise to one of my characters.

I'm falling apart inside, but somehow i have a new sense of strength. I'm built up inside, i'm reconstructed and completely torn apart at the same time. I've got someone to believe in me.

And i've always said that i needed just one to make me invincible.

They've all gone away, and yet they walk into my work everyday. I avoid eye contact, and hide, because somehow, i stand out completely in ever conversation and at the same time i turn invisible when i need to.

Of course... i've got useless super powers...

but i can write...

All day i listen to people babble and argue over which books are good and which books suck. I listen to them debate the rights and wrongs of literature and i think to myself... why aren't they writing?

Answer:

They can't.

I may not write well, i may not be the best... yet, but i CAN write.

Gift, Curse, no matter...

It's my path.

Narrow, broad, no matter...

My fate is destruction.

Dream

My life may be full of horrible people and terrible occurences, but sometimes things work out. Though my foresight tells me things will crumble in time, i enjoy the little things in which heaven can be found. At the moment, and for the last six months, i've enjoyed a girl. She's been my monogamous partner for a time that far exceeds past conquests for one simple reason...

She is her own person, has her own ideas, is selfsufficient, and doesn't bank on me being anything other than a barista. This is not to say she doesn't push me, becuase she does, she pushes me hard... but her tone of voice and her eyes are full of nothing more than belief, in herself, and in us together accomplishing our goals.

She loves my writing, but she doesn't worship it.
She yearns to hear me play, but won't fuck me for a song.

She isn't cheap, isn't temporary...

I couldn't dump her if i tried.

I've been testing our bonds... in particular, my devotion. I've attempted to woo other girls, and for the first time have found failure...

The reason? I don't really want it.

Becuase with people, with emotions... I get what i want out of people.

Writing is blackmagic, and all of those within the quill are evil incarnate, most just refuse admittal.

I think i know what love means...

The picture of last week.

A warm shower intertwined
Laying naked atop down comforters
Doing nothing erotic, attempting nothing more than embrace
kisses exchanged, lips to body, shoulder, collarbone
the t.v. on mute, our voices in stereo

this is love

this is love...

I'm not happy, but i'm near it when she's here.

Thank you to the haters, thank you to the girls who broke me again and again. Thank you to the loose women who taught me how to love a woman physically, thank you to all of those who taught me how not to act...

Thank you to the Christian church for making life shit, and at the same time being a glimmer of hope.

I see the world soon afire, i see a line of heroes dying out, i see myself alone amidst a sea of flames... and in my mind i know she's coming...

for as i burn these bridges, as i grow out of relationships with "friends", i know she'll be the one who doesn't turn on me. She's my Yoko, but she'd never think of breaking up the band, only breaking me from my pride...

I'm weak...

She'll take up my sword...

and ease my passing...

goodnight love.

Dream

The URGE
The land has gone cold. The day ends quick and the nights carry on too long. Sleep is hard sought, never found, except if the beast is fed. My mind runs circles around tracks of imaginary horror, over and over, through the barb-wire finishline, i win the title, i cry the tears, and i except...

It is back.

I have lost the ability to focus on reading. In the first couple weeks of work i read 4 novels with ease, but now i cannot even open one.

Yet, when i sit in front of the computer, my fingers wish to type. They tap everything they can when i am away, and then upon returning, set loose on the board of letters, scribing tales best not told.

Zachary Dreams woke within me...

and now comes the winter of some new project.

Though i can't decide...

Fantasy, Horror/Thriller, or more Literature....???

Tell me.

Dream

I NEED YOUR HELP!

I need the fans of zero to help me out. I need you all to rank my book on amazon. I need enough 4 or 5 stars to catch someone's eyes. I need to keep sales up.

So please go to your Amazon.com account, Barnes and Noble.com accounts, and rank the book well.

Also, if you haven't ordered, please do, i'll owe you one. The book has actually sold well, but not well enough... Thanks to the dozen or so people who have come and ordered the book through the borders i work at, that was a spirit boost.

PLEASE

help me.

DREAM

The Path... It's been a while since i moved my pen across the page, and to tell the truth, i feel no great relief in renewing the practice. I have been avoiding this place, avoiding this habit, because of work/school, but also because i am beginning to hate this place and everything else.

It's odd to look around and see disease, but not just disease... because perfectly healthy people are dying just the same. I love listening to people talk about their adventures, the things i did in highschool pale in comparison, but i am not jealous... because i just barely survived my conquests... and am faltering on the line between just the same.

I was nearly disowned a couple weeks ago, was nearly thrown out on the street. It was an interesting experience to say the least, that cold sinking feeling was prevalent, the fact that i have nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide from it all... except work.

I had a day off this week, but asked to work instead. So i picked up the shift that no one wanted... 4 to midnight restocking merchandise in the store... hell hath no fury like a store after remodel.

I've been working alot lately, since i began to fall apart. I've been taking on as many hours as i can, along with school, and my professional life. My rate per hour is less, but my paychecks are bigger than my former job. It's funny, because this job cares... if you need more money, just ask for hours, or come in... I'm loving it.

Golden arches sweep... (Transition)

I've begun work on a new project: A KILLING HEART... the screenplay. It's dark, brutal, and depressing... It's giving me nightmares actually. Serial killers in mass, walking around us, and the fact that anyone of us could become one if pressed...

Crucified on a cross of guilt, cry for yourself, for golgotha is empty of onlookers.

I'm falling into the abyss...

shadows fall around me...

Gloomy piano plays... (Transition)

Last Night two more customers bought my book, two strangers, and the weird thing was that they were more interested in paying for my writing. Two college professors discussing the start of an alternative school for HS students...

It was an interesting development...

There have been alot of those in the last few days...

I recieved a personal letter from Mayhaven Publishing...

They liked the portions of the manuscript i sent, and would like to see the full version. They also wrote a hand written request for me to enter their yearly fiction contest for a 14,000 prize which includes publishing, marketing, and stocking of the book.

Sounds pretty sweet...

Hope this one is real.

I'm entering the contest, because i know i can win.

---

It's odd how much my father hates my writing. No matter how many books i sell, no matter how many letters and emails i recieve from readers, and no matter how many good reviews... he hates my work. It's never good enough, nothing is ever enough to appease him.

I fear that if i am successful, if i achieve my dreams that he will become completely morose and drink himself farther into oblivion.

---

I'm watching The Lodger (1944) with Merle Oberon... the greatest jack the ripper movie ever.

While scrolling through the vendors that carry Sunvalley, i noticed something strange. The average price of the novel throughout all the vendors is 20 dollars, and yet one price read $57. I looked into the vendor and found that they were in the United Kingdom. They ordered the book from the US, and are hoping to sell it back to the US for a profit.

I just had to laugh.

People have called me a fool and a loser for thinking that my novel will be a success, but i've got nothing on this UK store who hopes even more that this book is a success.

Dream

Checked out Sunvalley>??

There are sample chapters on the site.

Based on a real events, but completely fictional, Sunvalley tells the tale of a poor kid raised in an upperclass enviroment. It deals with Sex, drugs, violence, and everything else the cops are paid to cover up.

Come visit Sunvalley.

Also available on Amazon:

www.amazon.com/gp/product/1425944930/sr=8-1/qid=1156044183/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-0830994-5519046?ie=UTF8

As well as on Barnes and Noble:

search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9781425944933&itm=7

sunvalley hits Amazon and others

Sunvalley is now available at the following internet stores:

Barnes and Noble :

search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9781425944933&itm=1

Amazon :

www.amazon.com/gp/product/1425944930/sr=8-3/qid=1155782041/ref=sr_1_3/103-0830994-5519046?ie=UTF8

Buy.com :

www.buy.com/retail/product.asp?sku=202934834&loc=106&sp=1

Those are the big ones, apparently the book has popped up on a few other smaller sites.

I have noticed printing errors in the book, as well as many typos, but that is to be expected since the job was rushed due to circumstances surrounding me.

Still... It's pretty cool to see my name on Amazon.

I need help, i need the voices of all of those who said they'd be there. I've helped many and never asked for much, but now i need all of those fractured souls i've patched to spread the word, and help me pay for college.

leave a comment, copy the code and the following passage, use your voice to infleunce the world:

Zachary Dreams - Sunvalley Released

There are sample chapters on the site.

Based on a real events, but completely fictional, Sunvalley tells the tale of a poor kid raised in an upperclass enviroment. It deals with Sex, drugs, violence, and everything else the cops are paid to cover up.

Come visit Sunvalley.

MY BOOK IS AVAILIABLE FOR ORDER!!

Sunvalley is officially concluded. The galley has been approved and sent to the publisher for printing. It will only be a few weeks now until the book is released to the public. I guess my part in this game is over, now it is up to the fans of zero to carry it on to the future.

I have to do publicity, beg for interviews, and whore myself, but my part in this as an artist is complete. Now all that is left is business. Business is the easy, annoying conclusion to every work of art.

To believe in oneself is to falter in reality...

www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~39340.aspx

Dream

Here's the cover pic:

tell me what you think.

Dream

www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~39340.aspx

go to that link and look at the cover of sunvalley, tell me what you think asap. I don't like it too much, well, i'd love it if it weren't for the giant red brick around the title.

most people i've showed it to like the red brick...

hmmm we'll see what you all say.

Dream

Check out this link:

www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~39340.aspx

It isn't availiable for order yet, but it will be soon. Read a sample chapter, synopsis, among a couple other things.

Dream

I have finished the entire bundle i was sent by my editor, totallying 110 pages of edits. I am now waiting until tommorow night, when i will recieve the final 190 pages of the manuscript for revision. This was painful, and yet, i'm learning alot from cutting. I've never been objective about my work, but then again, i've never spent longer than two months writing a manuscript...

Sunvalley took 8 months to complete, and i edited the first 110 pages in a mere couple weeks. It is easy to edit when objectivity is not in question. It is also easier when the editor who suggests the revision is as in love with the project as i am.

In my previous fantasmagorical stories, my editor told me straight out that he wouldn't read the book, unless he has to edit it. This book was the exact opposite.

He told me from the first few pages that he thinks it has mass appeal, and it was a revalation to him in some ways.

I know that his edits are not in any way biased.

That might sound contradictory, because if someone loves something then they must be biased on the side of overlooking things, but it is the exact opposite.

If someone loves a work of art, they will work twice as hard to weed out any imperfection.

I believe in love, but not in the sense of heart.

I believe a mind, ego, spirit, can love its own work beyond any feeling lovers could share.

Thus, i believe that Sunvalley will be better with whatever revisions are suggested by my business partner.

Thus, I am objective.

Dream