Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in laughingrose's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
12:12 am	Lightweight to a Heavy Heart It's been said that a boisterous personality subconciously means your trying to overcompensate for something you feel you lack. Perhaps I have been overcompensating my life away, but even with the realization I should try a different approach to making friends, and maintaining relationships, I have become what i am. What is it I am overcompensating for? In the reasonable side of my brain I know this is vanity, but my body makes me awkward and alone sometimes. I've told myself a million different ways that I like myself, even that I am beautiful. Then I hear my oldest brother comment on what I eat or rather what I should eat "because he cares about me." Or the well meaning complements that I "would be striking if she lost weight" or "she is pretty enough even a shallow man could get over her weight". Somehow those words gut me (which should ironically make me lose weight, too bad it's only figurative). How can I explain what it means to be the stereotypical "fat kid". I was always different, the way I was raised, being involved with my religious beliefs always guranteed that. I was fine with that, proud in fact to be different and take a stand as a little kid in school. It wasn't my religion however which made me a target of hatred. It was the betrayal of my genes. Is being me ever going to be enough, does my appeal need to have a disclaimer constantly attached to it, reminding me how little my physical value actually is. Don't you think I can see? Can feel better than anyone else the lumpy flesh and the awkward motions of the obese? There is a reason i have no full length mirrors in my house, the top half of me is enough. A little over a month ago i started with a new "nutritional approach". Lets call it for what it is, a diet. I had reached a point with myself I couldn't handle. I had a work related injury to my back and my weight has hindered somewhat the healing of the injury. If only for my health I needed to finally get to a healthy weight range. I'm currently at the twenty pound mark. To give you an idea of the scope of my problem, i have 160lbs more to lose to be at the highest point of the healthy weight range for my height. While I continue to succeed with numbers I still feel crushed with failure. I had lost this weight before, 70lbs of it before I let my emotions thwart my effort. So what will make this time different? What makes THIS time when I am going to succeed? When i decided to start on a healthy eating program I knew I would neeed additional help. So I signed up with www.ediets.com they have support in the way of online meetings and prerecorded seminars you can listen to. One that I helped me alot when I first heard it was entitled "Why I Am I Afraid To Be Thin?" I thought it was sort of ridiculous when i read the title. I thought to my self "of course I am not afraid to be thin, bring it on!" but then the speaker gave an excersise to do later. He said twentyfive times write the beginning of the sentence "I am afraid to be thin because..." and complete the sentence with whatever first comes to mind. I did that excersise and I didn't realize this was how i felt... 01. I’m afraid to be thin because I won’t know who my true friends are 02. I’m afraid to be thin because I will be giving in to everyone elses idea of what the right me is 03. I’m afraid to be thin because I’ll never know if someone can love me for who I truely am 04. I’m afraid to be thin because I’ll become just like everyone else 05. I’m afraid to be thin because I could never compare to anybody else who is in shape 06. I’m afraid to be thin because I may have a lot of extra skin from certain parts of my body 07. I’m afraid to be thin because I’m afraid to be beautiful 08. I’m afraid to be thin because my relationships with my current friends might change 09. I’m afraid to be thin because guys may look at me as more than a friend 10. I’m afraid to be thin because I can’t use it as a reason for failure 11. I’m afraid to be thin because I might become like the girls I hate 12. I’m afraid to be thin because I might get attention from the wrong kinds of people 13. I’m afraid to be thin because I can’t use it as an excuse for failure in a relationship 14. I’m afraid to be thin because I’ll always be the girl who lost 200 lbs. 15. I’m afraid to be thin because I might become obsessed with the wrong types of goal setting 16. I’m afraid to be thin because I’ll start to compare myself to everyone else 17. I’m afraid to be thin because I’ll can’t handle the attention 18. I’m afraid to be thin because I’ll never be thin enough 19. I’m afraid to be thin because I don’t know if I can eat right the rest of my life 20. I’m afraid to be thin because I don’t want to be one of those girls who obsesses about a crouton 21. I’m afraid to be thin because I’ll start finding other things wrong with myself 22. I’m afraid to be thin because it’s easier to be the loud one, or the funny one, or the outrageous 23. I’m afraid to be thin because I can’t eat my pain away 24. I’m afraid to be thin because no one will take me seriously 25. I’m afraid to be thin because I’ll never be able to stop believing it’s only temporary As much as I know I need to lose this weight for my health, it would be a lie to say I wouldn't like to be beautiful. The sort of beautiful that doesn't require an adendum. If you've never lost a significant amount of weight before, you don't realize your body has been scarred by it. Not only stretch marks but lots of extra skin. Even at twenty pounds I am seeing the loosening of the skin where the fat is reducing. My mother is convinced excersise will tone the skin. What she fails to realize is the muscles will tone, but the skin of a 300lb girl is not like shrink wrap and will not fit a person half her size. I am aware I cannot give up this time, on becoming a healthier person, i am pre-diabetic and filled with joint pain from the added pressure of the weight bearing down on me. The conclusion i need to religate myself to in order to succeed is I will never be beautiful, just acceptable. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Monday, July 17th, 2006
9:38 pm	This is what your doing...*wahhhh wahhhh wahhhh* This is what i want you to do................... I have finally made the decision that as a single person I DO have the right to comment on the life of a married couple. Yes, i may regret that later, but I can also delete this post at a later date leaving you nothing but a vague inclination of something-once-said-long-ago. I've gotten finally fed up with women and their whole "he's not the man I married!" schtick. Yes he is, he's exactly the man you married, his butt is the same butt you were interested in, it was the rest of him you should have paid attention to. It's incredibly irritating to hear you hate everything he likes and you think he should change for you. Why should he change for you, did you really bend over backwards changing for him? BE HONEST. If you did, did he ask you to, no? Then whos fault is it really. Can he really help it that he plays video games 12 hrs a day, didn't you realize this during courtship. Sure you did, then they were these cute little hiccups in your relationship. You dusted them aside of being little importance cause you spend maybe 8 hrs a week with him, and then he was focused on you, WELL DUH, of course he was focused on you, he didn't have you around the other 160 hrs of his week. He had those hours to fit in the rest of his life. I am sick of women blameing the man for not being a better head, better provider, better listener, more intune with my interests. Maybe when you were looking at him in the first place you could have trained your eyes a little higher than his rump and a little deeper than his face, and you wouldn't be in the mess you call today. It's the easy way to blame him, right. Cause he is supposed to be all the things i just listed, but be honest, you made a decision, you said yes to forever, better or worse. So now you feel like it's worse. Well what are you going to do to make it better? It can't be you constantly telling him what he's doing wrong. Why would you berate him for things he thought you found attractive in the beginning. Why can't you encourage kindly instead of beating him over the head with the mostly proverbial/sometimes literal frying pan. Ladies marriage isn't what you thought it was going to be, it's about what you'll become together, and if he's not the brain you thought he was, or the brawn you thought he was, or has the same emotions you thought he had. Don't give up so easy or cross him off as a lost cause, growth happens, and love was there once. So maybe you'd be better served saying. "He can be the man, i know he can be." (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
12:48 am	sucky poetry for a sorrowful day each day passes it’s getting harder and harder to breathe, all this fresh air is killing my poisoned lungs and making me believe the world isn’t as flawed as I’d like it to be. Perhaps that’s the reality, imposters as friends playing the part of the free in a world which would like you to believe that “clean” air costs no money. Can it be? The price for something is nothing? Fantasy is everything that surrounds me? Give me my poison at least I can see the effect it’s having on me. I want to look down to see the pallor of my skin instead of the lies I keep finding myself a part in, and by the way I know that the flaws run deep, but at least I am honest, what you look at, you see, but each day that passes it’s harder to breathe. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: imogen heap - hide and seek (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
6:08 pm	Curse You Angela Lansbury!!!!!     My Father is addicted to syndicated series television from the late 80's. I'm not talking about worthwhile 80's tv reruns I am talking about 3 programs in specific "In the Heat of the Night", "Murder She Wrote" and "Matlock". It's an addiction that deserves it's own 12 step program.      It's not the act of watching which happens to be the problem (although there is an unhealthy amount of time spent in front of the tv). The cause for annoyance is my Dad has been watching the same syndicated reruns for 5 years. I say that without any intentional hyperboyle. Not even a slight stretch of an exaggeration, if anything I am giving him too little credit for longevity. So why is his choice of television a problem of mine? Let me tell you.     The "King of the Remote" mentality is alive and well in our household. If he is watching tv you by extension are watching what he is or nothing at all. "Use another TV" you say. We have satellite, which means the only way you can watch tv is if you have a reciever box in your room. Oh you can jimmy a connection with two tv's and one box. That is preciesely what I have on my "other tv" in my bedroom which brings be back to "if he is watching tv you by extension are watching what he is."      I have seen every rerun of these shows . They only made so many seasons of each and half of the actors are dead in all three of them. It's not as if they are going to be staging a revival. Neither does he have any immediate plans to go on any "sucky tv programming of the 80's" trivia game shows. So WHY ON EARTH CAN'T HE JUST MOVE ON! I understand he doesn't want to watch "Pimp My Ride" but can't we find a happy medium? Current Mood: crappy Current Music: ben harper - roses from my friends (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
1:28 pm	Vengence is Yours! Brought to you by Nohari Hey take a second to look at my Johari and Nohari windows. The traits that best describe my good qualities in the Johari and the worst of me (which shouldn't be very hard for any of you) in the Nohari. The Johari: http://kevan.org/johari?name=LaughingRose The Nohari: http://kevan.org/nohari?name=LaughingRose Current Music: Bjork - You Only Live Twice (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
11:21 pm	More than words... I sat and pondered today the power of a word. What moves us in a word whether sung, spoken or written that delves into us and evokes emotions that rocks us to our very center. Words such as those in the bible have power to divide joints and their marrow. Most of the music I love, I love for the words. That perfect composition which seems to draw out the very essence of my emotional state of being. Clinically words are only sounds emitted and interpreted by our ears and we classify it as speech. Using that same school of thought the wind blowing ceaselessly outside my window should have the same emotional force on me as the words of any human being. I know many "words" but I fail to use them in the right way all too many times. In that case the best course of action for me is to echo the feeling of the Psalmist David when he said "praise be to Jehovah, for in a fear inspiring way I am wonderfully made." Could we survive without speech? Could we really? Are they really only words? Current Mood: pensive Current Music: Sam Phillips - Relecting Light (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
8:34 pm	Idiots: How to Spot Them In my mind there is a distinct difference between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance is just a lack of know how, all that is necessary to fix ignorance is education. True stupidity though requires delicate honing over time. The perfect blend of irritation and coyness. It's the type of personality that makes your slap-hand twitch in anticipation of connecting with the back of the head of the given subject. That being said I have a part time job working with individuals with disabilities. I worked for the Rem company for 4 years got burned out and then was rehired 9 months later. The Rem has a policy that re-hires over 6 months must attend all new hire training seminars. Ok, fine with me, I'm getting paid for attending class. I am not however getting paid to draw a rusty knife across my wrists. It can be difficult for me to remember such things when I have to deal with true stupidity. The training session was entitled "Traditions" which involves assisting our clients to live full lives and present themselves on equal footing as others despite their disabilities. Two girls across the room from me named Cj and Haley initially appeared a little obnoxious but since I know first hand appearances can be deceiving I thought oh well no big deal. Thats when the stories began, ridiculous ones having nothing to do with he conversation or completely worthless interjections in the middle of a lecture. It went on like that all night. and by all night I mean from 3-7p. FOUR HOURS OF STUPID STUPID STUPID. I couldn't go into true detail, I would lose all my web space, but the pure incompetence displayed in that conference room made me want to weep for their clients. Possibly the worst part of the whole situation is Cj and Haley are floaters. What does that mean say you? I'll tell you say I! floaters are people who move from home to home depending on what shifts at the various places cannot be filled by trained in home support staff. THEY are our fall back people! I am supposed to trust these girls in the event of an emergency. I need to have faith they will have the competency to see my clients through any difficult situation. I am judgmental, yes. I am working on being less so. I also realize when it comes to this particular area of the field of social work there are many right routes to the same location, BUT the last time I had these gut ache feelings about a staff members competency one of MY clients who had to work with her on a night I was off was injured under her care. He used a wheel chair ordinarily but used a walker at night to go into the bathroom for a shower. In order to walk with the walker he also needed to use an assistive device called a gait belt, basically a braided strap that spanned the center of his chest. whomever was walking with him had to have ahold of the gait belt at ALL times to avoid him falling. This moron staff left him standing alone in the bathroom while she went off to do something else. My client lost his balance broke his right hip and ended up in the hospital and a nursing home for 4 months. FOUR MONTHS for a completely avoidable injury. WHAT cesspool of genes do these people come out of? AND WHY DOES REM HIRE ALL OF THEM! Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Jupiter & Teardrop - Bring Me Down (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
5:17 pm	You Walk Away and I'll Walk Away... I am painfully aware it's incredibly cliche' to say I don't mind being alone. Most of the time I am glad I can be and do what I want without compromise, but there is also an emptiness that hides in the cracks of this oh-so-carefree-single exterior (cue eye-rolling and sarcastic snorts of disbelief). Example: This weekend I visited possibly the most important and influential friend I have ever had. She and her husband are people I dearly love, they open there arms to me and ask me how I've been. It's so nice to see her, it feels like ages since we've been able to talk, and just be with eachother. I recieved a letter from her a while ago telling me she misses me, she feels unlike herself, all these things. So we make this weekend plan. So she is making dinner for us when I arrive and has invited a newly engaged couple to join us for the evening. I'm very happy for all of them, but i couldn't help but feel the symbolism of the seating arrangement for dinner. They have four dining room chairs for there table and had to wheel in an office chair for the fifth person at the table. If you were to pair off people at the table, who would be left as the fifth? Of course it is me. It's as if their friendships as couples is on a higher plain than my paltry singleness can attain. Certainly the atmosphere wasn't intentional, in fact I didn't even sit in the office chair, but i couldn't shake off the feeling I was an errant puzzle piece trying to force myself to become a different shape altogether. That night after the soon-to-be-newlyweds started to make there way home, my best friend, her best-husband and I sit talking in the livingroom to the rhythm of the weatherchannel and it's explained to me married couples are in a different peer group. As a married person my best-friend might as well be twenty-seven too. A gaping chasm between where I stand in all of my twenty-one singleness. She at twenty-two has a stature beyond her years. So I feel I can't reach her anymore. I love her, but it's not the same or even anywhere near what it used to be. When we went our ways to bed last night she went to her bedroom and I went to mine. When we were young we did our best talking in the dark under the covers, giggling and dreaming about what our futures would be. I don't resent her life, she has nothing she does not deserve, but her needing me? No, it may be she thinks she need me, someone to make her feel funny, or witty or smart. I've always done the trusty sidekick well. She never had to be introverted with me because I was so outrageous anything she could do paled in comparison. She has always been strong and able but I think like a pair of shoes she has outgrown me. As she should, it's her husband she giggles and tells secrets to, and dreams about her future with. I am not jealous, I'm just alone. We are all not what we once were. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: The Weather Channel (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
11:21 am	Headline Reads: Mace Made Manditory As Part Of Workplace Uniform Dilemma: The owner of the store I work at is a horny old goat. IT wouldn't be such a problem if he wasn't ALWAYS at the store. Example: yesterday was Labor day a HOLIDAY, had I not been scheduled I wouldn't have wanted to be there, so why does he decide to come in at 8:30pm and again at 9:45pm? Of course he had legitimate reasons for being there. Changing gas priced (lowering thank goodness), bringing items for sale at the store. But in reality all of that could have been done first thing today, when we are only open till 11pm changing the gas prices is not going to have a major effect when you do it about an hour before close. Perhaps I wouldn't have such a big problem with him if he wasn't always touching me. I wore a tank top thing to work the other day, it wasn't strappy it was modestly cut and it was HOT outside. I've been at work for maybe a half hour, and there is no one in the store. My boss comes in and says "well you look nice and cool" and he runs his finger from the base of my neck down my shoulder. I felt so slimy and I moved away as fast as I could. Why is it I have no problems saying things as they are in any circumstances other than ones like these. I feel stupid asking how do you tell someone like that to stop? I know how to tell them to stop. I'd say get your hands off me! Why can't I say that. What's up with this stupid mute button in my head?! Maybe it's the same instinct that makes a deer go wide-eyed in front of a car. whatever it is I think I could benefit from some guts-replacement-therapy. Never thought I'd need it but yesterday at work was a nightmare. The horny little #@$#&%. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: ducks quacking and bubbles popping (Summer's Over) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
8:18 pm	Fooseball Is From The Devil! Today in the mail I recieved a credit card I'd applied for, I had NO IDEA what the available credit was going to be. I've been irresponsible in the past when it comes to credit cards. The rose tinted glasses were most definitely on, and to be honest worked more like the 100% UV blockers of financial responsibility. So I had worked myself down to one low APR card which I'd balance transfered the rest of the debt onto and got rid of the rest of my cards. Well the intro APR on the one card I had left was finito after this month so when I recieved this new offer I leaped on it. So I thought to myself, what sort of credit would they extend to me, not that much I'm sure. WRONG. Perhaps $6,000 wouldn't seem like alot to some people, but I could go buy a small car with that! Granted it would be a cheap piece of crap that would bring to mind an adult powerwheel which could go airborne on a light breeze, but the point is the possibility is there. Possibilities are very dangerous things, because there is a very large percentage against you saying your going to make the wrong choice. The only way to avoid possibilities is by rendering them impossible. So as juvinile as it sounds I'm going to place the card in the fiscally responsible hands of my Mommy for safe keeping. I don't care if it makes me seem like a wussy, at least I am rendering myself cardless. I know my limitations, and even with the best intentions I would nickle and dime that 6,000 till it was completely gone. The only real pause for thought I have on the issue is, what am I going to do when my Mom isn't their to abscond my credit cards? Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: (Comment on this)
Monday, July 25th, 2005
9:56 pm	If you love someone let them go... If you love yourself lock the door behind them. I hate growing older. It's not necessarily the age bit that's the problem. Hey legally drinking is certainly a plus. Rather the realization comes the only thing constant is change. When I was in my early teens I especially loved quotes. One I particularly liked went something like this: "there are some people in our lives who come and go, others linger for a while leaving footprints and when they leave we are forever changed." I'm almost certain there are many versions that express that same sentiment. The point is, I never expected ANYONE in my life to leave. When I was 13 I was fully convinced the people I considered close to me would always remain that way. Closing on a decade later, there are names I struggle to remember. How very very sad. The inspiration for this particular blogg came from a recent trip to a recent 3 day convention. People I've known from birth onward were there, no phase in my life lacked some sort of representation. Learning of the breakup of once dear friends marriages, and the terminal cancer of one, left me feeling drained. It leaves me in mind of a lyric from Ben Folds "everybody knows it sucks to grow up, but everybody does, the years go on, and we're still fighting it." So today while shopping I ran into an old friend, the one who has cancer, it's malignant lymphoma (have no idea if that's even close to the correct spelling). He seems so positive, i suppose it's good therapy, but still I can't help feeling like there is very little chance of surviving this cancer, which I've been told has already proved itself fairly aggressive. I guess if it comes down to his death, I guess I'll have to focus on the footsteps. Just like the footsteps of all those "stationary" people in my life, who have since gone. Current Mood: pensive (Comment on this)
9:52 pm	Oh What A Difference UnEmployment Makes Ahhh the age old question to blogg or not to blogg. I've known about bloggs for quite some time, but why is it now that I am unemployed and have nothing to really write about I suddenly get the blogg-bug and decide now's the time to let it all hang out. Well... that is if there was anything TO hang out. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Frou Frou (Comment on this)