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Mathias Wynne's Journal
One of the traders is worrying about his nasal hair. He has been asking how to get rid of it. (Personally, I would be worried about his BRANE if that's his biggest concern at the moment).
He has had a number of suggestions so far...
- It's too small to get a razor up there, so you need to remove the hair the old Greek way. Remember "The Women" by Aristophanes? You need to singe it off. Just take a lighter, get a nice large flame and then briefly snort the flame, as if it was a shot of tequila or something. In fact, you will probably get a better effect if you snort the tequila first, and then snort the flame, because then the tequila will act as a built in astringent (and not like a built-in combustion accelerant, no, not at all).
- Put some glue on the end of a stick, insert in your nose and wait for glue to dry, then yank the stick out as hard (and quickly) as you can. And make sure to have 911 on speed dial just in case.
EDIT Later:
"And how exactly am I going to tell the ambulance dispatcher on the other end what's wrong when my entire head is inside out? "
"Don't worry, I know the dispatcher, she's probably reading this - I will text her that if she gets a call from a man who sounds as though his head is inside out and on fire, she should send the ambulance here. When she's finished laughing."
Edit:
Current mood:
amused.Current music: Screaming trader.
10 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous
But there are a few things I don't understand.
1) WHY might I like "Spiced Pickled Onions Waitrose" ? The sound arse-renderingly bad. I've never ordered them before. I don't think I have ever ordered ONIONS before.
2) Why, when I search for "Miele" in order to find "Miele hoover bags", does it give me 300 products, NONE of which have ANYTHING to do with Miele. Is there some sort of retarded AI that thinks MIELE is a typo for MEAL ?
3) Finally, it's all well and good for me to choose a "green" van at 11-12am on Saturday to protect the environment as it's already in my area, but it costs MORE than choosing a NON-green van at 12-1pm on Saturday. How can it cost MORE to use a van that is ALREADY in my area, than to have one sent out specially just for me? Makes no sense!
In other news, my internet lawyerz are full of win.
Current mood:
amused.
Free Cds with The Times, apparently.
Monday - Love: Forever Changes
Tuesday - Joy Division: Closer
Wednesday - Jesus and Mary Chain: PsychoCandy
Thursday - New Order: Power Corruption and Lies
Friday - Echo and the Bunnymen: Ocean Rain
It does look like they have put a goth in charge, doesn't it?
Current mood:
amused.
10 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous
So, for reasons which will become apparent by about 8pm next Saturday, Emily needs a scythe.
So, I go online and discover that whilst you can buy ordinary scythes, you can also purchase a competition scythe with a 110cm blade! It's the TTS-tuned version of a scythe, and if Andy B hasn't already bought one, you can be certain that he will have ordered it by the time you finish reading this post.
What kind of a lunatic needs a scythe with a FOUR FOOT blade on the end?
What sort of competition would one enter with it? The competition to see how many people get their feet cut off by accident?
And who comes up with these sorts of competitions? I think it's because the country is basically a boring place. This is why people who live in the country are forced to find ways to entertain themselves, and they come up with all these lunatic sports, like chainsaw carving, sister shagging, competition scything and lawnmower racing.
That's why you always hear of the bizarre cases of weird sex crimes in the country. It's because they're all so bored in the country that after a couple of weeks, if you don't have a sister, daisy the cow begins to look inviting.
So wheras someone in London would say "I have a free afternoon, I think I will go along and see Rothko at the Tate, have an early dinner, then see if Fiennes makes a hash of Oedipus before rounding off the evening with Lucha Britannia".
If you're in the wilds of Dorset, you say "I have a free afternoon, I think I will... Oh fuck, I'm in Somerset and 300 miles from anywhere, it's just you and me again, Flossie..."
Nursie: Oh, that's another good idea. You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Queen: Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?
Nursie: It certainly does. My brother; he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off...
Current mood:
amused.
10 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous
As discovered by Emily...
Sure, they're cute.
But you do have to question the marketing wisdom of a company who elect to design and sell chocolates for $40.00 EACH at the start of a global recession, which are designed to appeal to goths who have little money at the best of times.
10/10 for style, minus several million for good thinking...
Current mood:
amused.
1 Crashed Skateboard -Drive Fast and Dangerous
I was scuba diving with someone (can't remember whom) and we were all going down to an underwater club which you could only get to by scuba, and we could mysteriously talk to each other underwater and so I asked where
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
djpsyche was, and they said she had been left behind because she was a bit slower because she had the bends, and I asked if she should really be diving at all if she had the bends!So anyway, we arrived, and the club was like a huge hexagonal glass dining room with a glass ceiling, with a couple of bars off to each side. We dumped our tanks, regulators and masks and stuff and went into the main building. But then the roof started to crack and the water started to come in, like rain at first, but obviously the roof was going to give way any second, so everyone rushed out to the bars and rooms around the main atrium and locked the doors. I got to my tank, but then realised that my regulators and stuff were in the other bar across the main atrium, so I rushed out back into the main atrium, dragging the sodding heavy tank, towards the bar on the other side where my regulator was.
And the bloody flunky in front of my closed the glass doors and locked them before I got there! He said he couldn't open the doors as the roof was going to give way any second, and he didn't have any scuba gear himself.
I pointed out that it wouldn't make any difference, because these glass doors where like the ones you have in shops where they're only locked on one edge and there is a quarter inch gap in the middle between the two doors, so the moment the thousands of tonnes of water came through the roof the doors were just going to shatter and he was going to be wearing them.
Anyway, someone else on one of the other doors let me through and I got my masks and regulator and swam off.
I never saw if the roof did cave in.
(... in my dreams. I kind of guessed that was obvious!)
Current mood:
amused.
2 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous
Once more I have been examining popular culture, but with the sound turned off.
First up was a music video from a girl called "Pink", so called because she's actually painted herself orange. Either that or the set was out of whack again. Anyway, she came out and sang a bit, then she jumped into a boxing ring and was suddently topless. But these mysterious black squares materialised out of nowhere and covered up her breasts. I'm not sure why it was considered necessary, because I have bigger tits than her, but they appeared anyhow.
Then there was lots of fire by the side of the stage. And finally, she set her head on fire, so that was obviously a good video for me.
Then there was a music video featuring 4 or 5 men dressed very smartly in coke (bowler) hats*. More "investment banker" than "Clockwork Orange". I think they worked for Bradford and Bingley. Then it rained on them in the video. That's clearly a metaphor for the failure of the buy-to-let mortgage market. Finally, they disposed of their bowlers and all went on a fairground ride and sang a lot. That symbolises their subsequent unemployment.
I can't tell you what happened after that, because an attractive young lady started exercising next to me and I fell off the running machine because I was distracted.
* - I wrote "cock hats" about six times there by accident. My nails are too long.
Current mood:
amused.
11 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous
I have received, amongst the usual pile of spam, an invitation to join a website of "Bears, cubs and otters".
I know what Bears are - but what are Cubs and Otters? Or is it REALLY an innocent site (I so don't think so, and I'm not going to look at it at work).
In other news, can anyone remember which part of a photocopier goes in an atom bomb? Or where PayPal's offices are in the UK?
Poll #1269635
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Bears, cubs and otters are:
The part you need for your atom bomb is a...
Can I have one?
Yes
7 (33.3%)
Moz will get you one from Milton Keynes 12 (57.1%)
You can't have one 5 (23.8%)
The address of PayPal in the UK is:
Current mood:
amused.
5 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous
Yves Rossy has managed to fly across the channel on a wing with four microjets stuck to it.
Current mood:
amused.
3 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous
Assuming that God exists, and that they can hear you, and that they can REPLY to you clearly in the voice of God without your head exploding, what would you ask him/her?
Poll #1265363
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
What question would you ask God?
Current mood:
amused.
1 Crashed Skateboard -Drive Fast and Dangerous