| Monday, February 6th, 2006 |
| 1:21 am |
Today, techically yesterday now was a year since my sister died. **sigh** Hard to imagine it has been a year all ready. I miss my sister so much. The day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be since a bunch of her friends came over and hung out with us. We had food and soda and it was kind of a mini-party. Emily would have approved. I had a dream about the night she died last night. She was leaving the house like she did that night and the only difference was I got to hug her goodbye. I sobbed when I woke up after the dream. That is my one regret about that night, besides the fact she died at all obviously, is that I never said good-bye, I love you or even hugged her. I am glad I dreamed about her though, that's all I wanted. I also had a dream I got 2 kitties and that made me very happy. I am desperatly seeking a full time job and have resumes out all over. I have applied at my credit union, 2 insurance agencies and Elmira College where my dad works. That job would be great because it would let me go to school there for free. Psychology degree here I come! I am going to pray like crazy I get something full-time soon. Everybody cross your fingers for me! Time for shower and bed work tomorrow then maybe riding with JoEllen if it isn't too cold. Current Mood:  hopeful |
| Friday, December 30th, 2005 |
| 3:25 pm |
Yay!
I have a phone interview with Corning Credit Union Wednesday! Cross your fingers.
Current Mood: still bored |
| 3:11 pm |
In 2005 did you... 1) Get drunk?I don't think so. 2) Get high? I say nope to dope. 3) Learn something new about yourself? How strong I can be. 4) Fall in love? Um, I think so. 5) Leave the country? No, bummer. 8) Break a promise? Don''t think so. 9) Done something you would never do & enjoy it? Don't think so. 10) Go to a concert? No 11) Meet someone who is now a best friend? Yuppers and he's my boyfriend. 12) Keep a secret? Oh probably. 13) Lose someone close to you? Yes, my only sister. 14) Go to a funeral? Is this not a redundant question since it follows the lost someone close to you question. 15) Lie to your parents? To my dad about where my boyfried sleeps when he spends the night. 16) Sneak out of your house? No 17) Get arrested? No I am a good girl. 18) Kiss in the rain(or snow)? Yeah. 19) Made out with a stranger? No, I have morals. 20) Do something you said you would never do? Don't think so. In 2005 who was your___ friend? 21) Best? Stine! 22) Newest? Shaun technically but Danielle is up there. 23) Funniest? Tough one..... 24) Wierdest? We all have our quirks. 25) Bf/Gf? Shaun 26) Closest? Stine, Jules, D, Kim, Bryon we are all really close. 28) Quietest? Mike. 29) Not anymore? No one. 30) Prettiest? Again tough one we are all pretty but in different ways. In 2005 what was your.. 31) Favorite Movie? Goblet of Fire was good. 32) Favorite Song? Too many to name. 33) Favorite Band? Evanescence. 34) Favorite Artist? As in painter? be more specific. 35) Best Holiday? :P 36) Best Memory? Watching "Napoleon Dynamite" with my sister a few weeks before she died. 37) Favorite TV show? Anything on National Geographic, and anything involving wedding planning and LOST 38) Most missed memory? I forgot. Current Mood:  boredCurrent Music: TLC in the background. |
| Sunday, December 25th, 2005 |
| 9:49 pm |
Ahh Christmas.........
What promised to be at best an akward Christmas and at worst a horribly sucky one turned out for the better. I miss Emily a lot, we all do, but unexpected presents and Stine and Shaun made it the best holiday it could be all things considered. Stine called me at my folks house to tell me how much she loves us all and that she is thinking about us. It made us all feel good. I told mom to get her a precious gift on the cruise and hopes she will remember. I am hoping she is getting over the whole "grandma's house is evil" thing and won't be in such a huge hurry to move out. Though to be honest I am in a bit more of a hurry to move out to since I am DYING for my own kitty. Being around the cats at home and my friends' cats and the cats I am pet-sittig makes me pine for my own. I also miss Spice SO much she was undoubtably my doggie and I miss having a pet who loved me best. I love Grace don't get me wrong but she doesn't feel 100% mine. I didn't have her from a pupy and raise her myself. Anyway I am going to call this week to follow up on my applying at Corning Credit Union. I pray they give me a job so I can have set hours, good paychecks and no commission crapolah.
Anyway on to more holiday cheer. I got some great stuff this year.....
1) Pajamas horse ones from Victoria's Secret (that I have been lusting after since August) and Eyeore ones and both came with matching slippers!
2)Clothes from Mom and Dad including peacock feather bohemian jeans, a green embroidered blazer, a brown patterned flirty chiffon skirt, this blouse I have wanted forever, a beautiful B.Moss skirt and 3 twin sets to wear to work. I also got a hoodie from Grandma and a Hello Kitty t-shirt from Mom.
3) A necklace and earring set from the parents, a pair of silver and crystal earrings from mom, and a ruby, emerald and sapphire necklace from my Grandma and Grandpa Mathews.
4)2 sets of sheets one flannel with clouds (D would approve) and the other cream with a lovely eyelet edge.
5)An Eyeore mug from Grandma and Grandpa Balcome
6)Various fun socks and totally inpractical but adorable thongs.
7)Gift cards to Aeropostale, Bed Bath and Beyond, Jubilee grocery store, and Bath and Body Works.
8)A huge coffee table book about Broadway muscials from Shaun and 2 other fiction books I have wanted from Mom.
9)Cookies, candies and a teddy bear from Aunt Helen and Uncle Mike.
10)A Full spa session from Shaun including a facial, manicure and massage! I have never gotten anything like that and was so floored!!!!!!
11)A pair of awesome winter riding boots from JoEllen with socks and gloves and foot warmers. I was so excited when I opened them and when I wore the boots to shovel the driveway my feet were not just warm but sweating, it was great!
Hmmm..... I know I am forgetting stuff. Anyway... The meeting with Shaun and the family went great Em Redner was there and she liked him too. I am going to stuff myself with Christmas cookies and do laundry.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Oh and Happy Channukah (sp?)
Current Mood: Holiday-Spiritey |
| Sunday, December 18th, 2005 |
| 9:26 pm |
I am.... alone. I am Not, contrary to popular belief, having sex or even visiting with Shaun since he works a lot. He is coming for Christmas dinner and that makes me kind of excited. My holiday spirit is pretty low for abovious reasons though it is climbing slowly but surely. Christine has moved back in to her parent's house because it doesn't "feel like Christmas otherwise" and for other equally lame reasons. She blames her grandmother for her father turning into an alcoholic, try blaming Viet-frickin-nam. The man was a medic for god's sake, he had people dying in his face for how long? Granted alcohol is not the best way to deal with Post Traumatic Stress but in the days before post-war counseling was mandatory it's pretty damn common. Her grandmother had to deal with an alcoholic husband too and it was probably no cakewalk for her. It also is not her fault she got sick and needs to be cared for. It is her other son's fault for being a putz who won't help out his brother. Anyway because of her grandmother/Christmas/ need to be an adult thing she wants to get a full-time job and move out by the end of January. Stine says this place makes her feel like she is stagnating or something. Hmm try getting out of bed before late afternoon and maybe you will feel less stagnant. She blames so much on external forces when she really needs to look internally for a solution. It's nice to want to be home for Christmas and I myself am planning on spending Christmas eve sleeping in my old bed at home but what is she going to do when she is married. "Sorry honey I have to move home for 2 weeks because it doesn't feel like Christmas otherwise." It is not a good idea to be afraid of change. FYI New and Change go hand in hand. Boy that was a little angry. I guess I feel sort of abandoned. That's great she needs to move out but she could have discussed it with me before hand, I am her best friend after all. I mean this Christmas promises to be weird in a not good way and it would be nice not to feel totally pushed aside in favor of a "perfect family Christmas". It's nice that her family is in tact for the holidays. Emily was the most excited about Christmas and the holidays have lost most of their luster without her and I am stuck in an empty house not wanting to go home to a house empty of her. I wish my house felt as much like a home as it used to but it's haunted by my sister's absence and not a 100% comfortable place for me. It probably never will be. **sigh** I can't wait till we get the settlement and all the legal crap will be over. I pray that it's soon so we can finally really begin to move on. Not dreading a call from the lawyer or an interest charge from the funeral home would be nice. Maybe it will happen before the one-year anniversary then we can go away for that week. It gets so draining trying to be strong when my heart is just as broken as my mother's. Maybe even more so, my parents and grandparents all have another daughter/grandchild I don't have another sister. Current Mood:  coldCurrent Music: None |
| Sunday, November 27th, 2005 |
| 7:27 pm |
I will not be paranoid, I will not be paranoid. Ahhhhh! I am driving myself nuts. Shaun likes me, I like him. We enjoy spending time together. We have great sex. My friends like him. He likes my friends. I am not fat despite eating enough food for 2 people just minutes ago. **sigh** I feel better I just needed to get that out of my system. I get so worried that he really doesn't like me. I just need verbal confirmation from him I guess but don't want to ask him and seem like I am fishing for some big commitment. In my heart I know he cares about me and that will be enough for now. I might buy him the Kama Sutra for Christmas, he mentioned wanting to memorize it. Hehe I can help him with the repetition. Current Mood:  hornyCurrent Music: TV from the other room. |
| Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005 |
| 7:50 pm |
Woohoo! According to the quiz on my friend D's journal I dated Harry Potter shagged 51% of the student body am best known for subduing Peeves and am loved by all. Loved by all that is if I go by Sars and not Sara. They call me Sarod at work wonder what that would get me? Goint to see RENT tonight and am stupidly excited. I am bringing extra tissues since I have been a little weepy these last few days. I have been missing Em lots. Shaun is spending the night (hopefully) and I am wearing his favorite bra and thong. I am going to steal a cat nap. No Day But Today!!!!!! Current Mood:  and turned onCurrent Music: CSI, Love that show. |
| Thursday, November 17th, 2005 |
| 11:55 am |
I want a kitty! D got the Most adorable kitties and I think I can safely say they love me. I love them and want one of my own so bad. I miss my Spice so much, Grace is a great dog but she is no Spice. For now I will visit friends with kitties and threaten to steal them until the stars align and I can get my own. On another note Shaun is in Montreal with his best friend and I miss him like crazy. He called Tuesday and left the sweetest message. "I really wanted to hear your voice but the answering machine will have to do...... I can't wait to get home and see you." I did a happy dance all over the kitchen then called Stine and made her listen to the message. Hee hee I am sooooooooooo glad he's coming home tonight. He had better be able to come over and stay with me. I freak myself out sleeping in the house by myself. Current Mood: excitedCurrent Music: TV from the other room. |
| Friday, November 11th, 2005 |
| 11:20 am |
The boy....... Duhn duhn dunnnnn. Continued..... I am dumb. Shaun's phone died and he was fine and safe at his friend Cory's house. He came over Monday and we watched The Incredibles and went to bed. **sigh** I reeeeeallly like him. FYI he is now considered my boyfriend, at least by me. Current Mood:  complacentCurrent Music: Will and Grace |
| Monday, November 7th, 2005 |
| 12:19 am |
Writing an entry as self-therapy. Stine is sitting on the floor drawing and I am sitting here typing and we are both wearing underwear on our heads. Clean underwear that are our own not freaky eachother's underwear or anything. I have found that it is impossible to be distressed with underwear on your head. Seriously try it sometime. What pray-tell could be making me distressed? Something I am ashamed to admit but feel compelled to to purge my system and analize with fresh eyes. Shaun, myself, Stine, John (her sort-of man) Jules and Bry went to dinner last night and since Shaun had to hang with a guy friend after, we discussed hanging out tonight. I thought our plans were pretty solid so when I called him when I got home from work and promptly got his voicemail (I swear it didn't even ring) I was not too suprised. I didn't get worried until and hour and a half passed and he hadn't called me back and when I called him and got the same thing. Is his phone off??? Did he loose service because of the nasty storms we had???? Is he dead in a ditch somewhere?????? Sheer willpower and a tummy full of beef stroganoff, Stine's comforting presence and the undies on my head are keeping me from having a full out panic fest. I hate that I am part worried something horrible has happened, part worried he's with another woman and part realizing something probably came up and he will call me tommorrow and we will get together and all will be well. ***********lightining bolt strikes my brain***************************** I called him once before and for some reason his phone didn't register my leaving a message until 12 hours later. Hmmmm technical glitch and boy is still smitten?? I have hope!!!!!! I am focusing on the imaginary negatives to keep from getting hopelessly attached and having my heart broken into a million shattered pieces. o/' o/' my heart in a blender, watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion o/' o/' You know the song.... Anyway I am sure I am catastrophizing and all will be well and if not hell what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And I know where he lives and his cat adores me. Mwuhahahah I can catnap Moe. Not that I ever would but it is funny to have that revenge outlet open to you. I would never hurt Moe in anyway just keep him as my own pet he is such a sweet cat. And quite bright and chipper for being 16. I am off to drool over horses for adoption and listen to music and chat with Stine. I will keep you all informed. FYI: We did the horizontal Horah and it was AMAZING each and everytime. Please let him call tomorrow and everything be fine!!!!!! Current Mood:  indescribableCurrent Music: Nada, yet. |
| Wednesday, October 26th, 2005 |
| 12:44 am |
The boy....... Duhn duhn dunnnnn. That theme music sounds like things are going badly which is the oposite. We sat around tonight and watched the new "Family Guy" DVD which is very funny. Then watched some thing about rollercoasters and kissed. Boy drives me mad I am amazed at my own self-control that I haven't dragged him off to my bedroom to have my way with him in all his hotness. He is really damn cute, 6 foor black hair and green eyes. He has nice features, a beautiful nose and mouth and a butt I want to take a bite out of. He also smells amazing, he uses lotion yay no funky flaky dry skin. He is also very nice, intelligent and just sort of gets me. **sigh** This could be a problem I can see myself falling and falling hard. I want to open myself up to this to him but am afraid of being dispointed. My gut instincts are good but they are also slightly muddled by hormones and a sense of lonliness and spinsterhood creeping up on me. Yikes must be calm and rational which I was until the fortune cookie....... Saturday Shaun came over we ordered chinese ate and put in a movie. I took the dishes to the kitchen and when I came back out he had the cookies on his hand and told me to "pick my fortune." My fortune read," Stop searching for happiness it is just next to you." My jaw dropped and I hastily stuck the slip in my pocket. I didn't tell him what it said since that is way too much for a third date. Maybe it's a sign..... I am off to eat chocolate and put on chapstick. Shaun once again left this evening wearing more of my lipgloss than I was. :) Current Mood: giddyCurrent Music: Golden Girls from the other room. |
| Tuesday, October 18th, 2005 |
| 3:13 pm |
My life changing descision. I have pretty much decided to go back to school for.... Psychology! I am taking my friend's advise and making it my career. I am a great listener, very empathetic and really want to help people be better individuals. I think I want to specialize in couples therapy that covers sexuality and sex thearpy which I am also really interested in. I just don't want to deal with sex offenders and pedophiles and stuff. I am looking into going to Elmira College since it is nearby and free. Everyone cross their fingers I get in and that some of my credits transfer. On another note I am "seeing" someone. His name is Shaun and he is very cute and we get along really well. I'll keep you all informed. Wish me luck with him too. Current Mood: optimisticCurrent Music: Star Trek |
| Monday, September 19th, 2005 |
| 1:16 pm |
My freaky Worf dreams. Well not freaky because I enjoyed them immensly but definitly kinky. For those of you who don't know I have recently become re-obsessed with Star Trek since it is on Spike TV all damn afternoon. I am madly obsessed with Worf because he is so tall and strong and masculine. Yuuuuummmmmyyyyy! I have had 2 dirty dreams about him the first one where I actually meet him (my parents got jobs on the Enterprise) and proceed to learn Kilngon and Klingon mating practices so I can woo him effectivly. Which worked like a charm and resulted in us "fighting" in the Holodeck and him throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me to his quarters where he ravaged me in a most delightful way. I was covered in Klingon hickeys which are besically bite marks. The second Worf dream we were very much together and then Worf goes on a misson to the Klingon home world where he is "killed." Simultaneous whith his allleged death I find out I am pregnant with out little 1/2 Klingon 1/2 Human baby. To make a long story short I disquise myself as a Klingon and go to the homeworld where I find him very much alive but inprison for being a "human-lover" essentially. My poor Worf was in big trouble for dating and mating with a human on top of working for the Federation. Nedless to say we got him out and it all ended happily with us having a little girl named Keera. (My parents were suprisingly okay with my haveing a Klingon for a husband, go figure.) Time for waffles and more Star Trek...... Current Mood:  hungryCurrent Music: DS 9 in the living room. |
| Friday, September 16th, 2005 |
| 2:08 am |
Dr. Sara??? Apparently I have become therapist to several of my friends. I am scratching my head wondering when I became the most emotionally stable of us. Me who lost my only sister this year. Go figure huh? I guess I do finally feel 100% like an adult and find myself ready for adult like things like marriage and children. I am dying to find The One since I am a) dying to get married since I work in a bridal salon and b) afraid of being alone if anything happened to my parents and c) just am sick of being alone in the romantic sense I guess. I guess part of me fears never finding the one which I can't even comprehend because it depresses the hell out of me so I will change the subject. We are beginning legal procedings to get the settlment of $300,000 from the insurance company that insured the guy who killed my sister. The claims adjuster had the nerve to ask what made my sister so special. Fucking bitch, let her ask me that and I'll tear out her throat. She was someone's daughter and sister and grandchild and neice and friend and that made her special enought to get the money Mike's Mom paid for when she paid his insurance premiums doesn't it? Never mind the literally hundreds of lives that have been forever changed by her death. There is also the fact that Mike, the driver, was 110% resposible for her death. It wasn't like she was driving. God when I die the first thing I am going to do in Heaven is tear his balls off. I wonder if that would get you kicked out? Maybe he isn't in heaven... I like to think he is somewhere where he has to live with the guilt of knowing what he did and how fucking stupid he was. Maybe he is somewhere reliving it over and over again and knowing what is going to happen but not being able to chanege anything..... Yeah that's where Mike is. I feel bad for his family don't get me wrong but did he have to drive like an idiot with MY baby sister in the car? Jesus people remember when you drive THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE ON THE ROAD! If you want to risk your life play Russian Roulette or something don't risk innocent people's lives by driving like an idiot. This anger isn't healthy but will probably be something I always carry with me. **takes deep breaths** Just pray for me folks, that we get our money with no trial and minimal stress to my parents. They can't handle it. Besides if we get the money I get a horse. On that final, admittedly selfish note I am going to bed. Goodnight all. Afterthought: Maybe I am not as okay as everyone thinks....... Current Mood:  drainedCurrent Music: Ben Harper, Steal My Kisses |
| Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005 |
| 5:22 pm |
I have Moooooved! I am now living in my own little house with Stine and despite dust bunnies big enough to eat me things are going well. The first few days were a lot of cleaning and packing and unpacking. David's Bridal also opened Monday and I had a really good first day selling 1700 bucks worth of bridal stuff.... <More later must go get Stine at Monroe. Current Mood: hotCurrent Music: None |
| Friday, July 1st, 2005 |
| 12:03 am |
Date number two. I went on a second date with CuteCop and once again it went well. Good talk, good dinner, really good movie. But no kiss I was getting weirded out then he told me why he didn't kiss me and was more weirded out. Something about not wanting to push and get me angry or something. Anyway we talked about it so we'll see how the next date goes. I have been talking to another guy from Cupid who sounds really great. He's a social worker and sounds pretty damn perfect. Oh the dilema! I want to meet him but don't know about dating 2 guys at once. But there is thusfar no chemistry with CuteCop so what am I to do??? Current Mood: not in a good wayCurrent Music: None. |
| Sunday, June 19th, 2005 |
| 10:13 pm |
So many guys so little time. I have been on a date with CuteCop from Cupid. I am also iming with Sam who is also cute and works for his families resort on the Delaware river. I am waiting to chat with about 3 other guys. Am I becoming a Cupid.com slut? Should I stick with the one I have met in person or continue to talk to others? What if I also meet Sam in person and like him too? Oh the dilemma any help would be welcome and appreciated. Current Mood: chipperCurrent Music: None just the hum of this slow-ass computer. |
| Saturday, June 18th, 2005 |
| 12:14 am |
About the date. I have decided to list the positives and negatives about my date with CuteCop. (He's actually a State Trooper but whatever.) Negatives; 1)He answered his cell phone at the table but it was work so I can kind of excuse it and we had finished eating and were waiting for the check. 2) His dog humped my leg, the dog is only 5 months and not fixed but it's never pleasant to have one's leg violated by a dog. 3)He didn't kiss me goodnight. Positives; 1)He was cute. 2)He held doors open and didn't balk when I ordered the Filet Mingon which was amazing by the way. 3)There was never a lull in the conversation, not once. 4)He didn't mind me doing the driving or listening to Billie Holliday in the car. 5)His house is clean and not an obvious bachelor pad. 6)His puppy is very cute if energetic. 7)He didn't kiss me goodnight. I am not sure if this is a positive or a negative or both. I think it may be because he's a gentlman maybe there was no spark. Hmm he did say he wants to hang out again. Overall the date was a sucess and I am all for Cupid.com. Current Mood: optimisticCurrent Music: Nada |
| Wednesday, June 15th, 2005 |
| 10:27 pm |
Job interview. I had a job interview at David's Bridal today. It went really well I got alone with the managers really well and they kept looking at each other and smiling. They said to each other more than once stuff along the lines of "she's great." Yay for me I desperatly need full time and the benefits are good. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me. Things on the cute cop front are going well. We have talked the past couple of nights and the conversation keeps going and going. WE have more in common than we originally thought. I can't wait to meet him. I got some really adorable ballet flats that are covered with rainbow sequins that I want to wear. I'll keep you posted. Current Mood: flirtyCurrent Music: None |
| Tuesday, June 14th, 2005 |
| 11:45 pm |
I might actually have a date. I met Jason on Cupid.com. He's a police officer and really nice and funny. We have been iming a lot and talk for hours about everything. On Sunday he asked if I wanted to hang out and I said yes. I have verified he is a cop and a respected one at that. We have seen pictures of eachother so that's taken care of. I will make sure we meet in a public place, drive my own car etc... I'll let you know how it goes. Cross your fingers for me. Current Mood: goodCurrent Music: None |
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ladypeep's journal