This is my essay for an english class comparing and contrasting Steampunk and Cyberpunk. I'm posting it here for my Brass Goggles buddies to critique. (Hi, guys!!)

my biggest issues are with the first and last paragraph, and I'm sure there's stuff I missed. I'm not really trying to hit on everything in this essay, so unless you think I forgot something fundamental, I'd prefer not to add a bunch more to this right now. This is just the version I want to turn in, I do intend on improving it later.


There are as many subcultures in this world as there are people. There are the old and familiar ones, like the goths and the punks, and newer ones like hipsters that have the potential for growth. For some people, the fantasy-based universes of Steampunk and Cyberpunk fit like a glove. (FIRST PARAGRAPH SUCKS, FIX.)
(do a basic clarification of what the two are.)
Both of these fantasy genres-turned-subcultures began with two separate books, both by a writer named William Gibson. He is much more famous for his groundbreaking Cyberpunk novel Neuromancer, which birthed a lot of terms and ideas that have become part of popular culture today. If you’re familiar with The Matrix, you should understand the general cyber universe.
Hackers and the art of hacking play a huge role in most cyberpunk universes. Because most cyber worlds are dystopian, hackers tend to use their skills against “the man,” or the corrupt people in power. Not to say that cyberpunks themselves are not corrupt; drug abuse, power hunger and violence are a common part of cyberpunk worlds.
Where cyber has hackers, steampunk has their mad scientists. Steampunk really gelled in William Gibson’s book The Difference Engine, which he wrote with Bruce Sterling. In this book, hackers have a direct equivalent called “clackers,” but the mad scientist moniker is much more common. These people are the inventors, the beautiful minds trying to better the world with the newest technology, and since steampunk is based in an advanced Victorian world, these technologies tend to be analog.
Steampunks tend to take a more utopian view of their universe, but it can be, and often is, just as dark as any cyberpunk dystopia. The inventors often battle “the man” as well, just with bulkier equipment.
Both of these universes are enthusiastic about technology in one way or another, but, as was touched on earlier, steampunk tends to be analog and cyber focuses on a future where digital rules. There is very little that’s tangible anymore, since a lot of back-and-forth is done in cyberspace (cyberspace being one of the many words Gibson created, equivalent to a virtual reality and internet combination.)
Like most digital things, small and sleek is the preferred design, and you have to know what you’re doing to use these gadgets properly and to their full capacity. But the same can be said for steampunk’s analog technology, which may actually be more complex and require more knowledge than a cyberpunk’s tools.
Most of these items, which can range anywhere from weaponry to jewelry, are handmade. There is a deep respect for do-it-yourselfers in both genres, but it’s seen much more often in steampunk. The steampunk aesthetic centers around brass, gears and ornate decoration. They’re definitely romantics, and it shows in everything they do, especially in their fashion.
Since fashion is the most immediate part of a person’s character, costume is critical in descriptions of characters, hence the importance in both subcultures. Even someone with minimal knowledge could tell a steampunk and a cyberpunk apart.
Steampunks look like they stepped out of a time machine or a Jules Verne novel. The ladies often wear large hats or fascinators, with a simple Victorian inspired blouse or shirt. Often this will be paired with a corset, worn as outerwear, or a vest, with a couple of brown leather belts and a floor length skirt. She’ll usually wear boots, brown to match the earth tones in the rest of her ensemble. Layers are key to the steam silhouette, and sometimes skirts will be layered too. The fashion of an individual could lean more toward sky pirate or distinguished steam lady, but it’s really just a matter of personal taste from there.
The men tend wear very plain and functional Victorian clothing or they take accessorizing and rich fabrics to the top. The gentlemen in the latter category tend to be the captain or eccentric inventor type, while the men in the former are usually workers and deckhands.
The cyberpunks are completely different. Both genders will often have plastic dreadlocks or hair extensions in bright, varied rainbows, and some even sport partially shaven heads. Bright makeup in unconventional patterns are also common among both genders, along with piercing, contacts and some extreme body modifications.
Their clothing is a combination of familiar fabrics and unyielding plastics or foam padding, harkening back to the kitschy 1950s ideas of the future. Camouflage is common pattern, as are the strangely beautiful and intricate patterns of a computer chip.
Boots are also extraordinarily common, to the point of uniform, as is torn clothing, creating a very post-apocalyptic look indeed. They also show significantly more skin than steampunks, who often poke fun at their own prudishness.
Even for all their extreme fashion differences, there are a few similarities; the most obvious being the goggles perched on top of almost every head.
Both subcultures seem to utilize goggles, steampunks to protect their eyes while working in the lab or flying high in a zeppelin, and cyberpunks tend to use them to plug in to the matrix, to create their digital worlds in front of their eyes.
Another startling similarity is that they both utilize their preferred technologies in their fashion. It’s not uncommon to see a steampunk wearing a necklace or earrings created with gears, or a cyberpunk wearing an old motherboard, sometimes cut into familiar shapes like hearts, stars or circles. Once again, most of these pieces are handmade, and the people who are the best at creating these items gain some fame and notoriety throughout the communities.
For all of steam and cyber’s differences, I think that the two really have a lot more in common than they think. There’s nothing really punk about either of them, really, save for perhaps their rebellious spirits and DIY aesthetic, and they both hold women on an equal footing with men. In fact, one of the most well known inventors of the steampunk community is a woman who goes by Porkshanks.
I have to admit, I am partial to steampunk, and this is because I have always been a history fan, and I have never come across a stronger and more friendly community where I was so quickly accepted, although cyberpunk holds my interest quite fast. Being a person who has never known an analog world, I believe that cyberpunk is much more true to what the future may hold. Some people even say we’re already past cyberpunk, as our current technologies are far beyond anything William Gibson ever imagined.
Although, I have a thought that the steampunks and the cyberpunks are on the same timeline, just as we are with the people who lived in the 19th century. We lived on the same planet, and are, in a way, still the same people.

(WRAP IT UP.)

okay, what the fuck.

So a few days ago, my mom informs me that she's sending some boxes of my stuff out to me. which is great. It'll be nice to have some of my books and clothes back. She keeps bugging me, "Got the boxes yet? got the boxes yet?" NO. I'll let you know when I get them. Sit your ass down.

called me today, "did you get the boxes?" no. the delivery guy doesn't usually come until around 7:00, I tell her.

Apparently, FedEx delivers a little sooner, so around 6:30 the boxes come. yes! I hope some of my good books are in here...

Artist's rendering of the victim's reaction:

over 9,000 hours in MSpaint.

why the reaction?
Here's a short sampling of what was in those two boxes:

-potholders my sister and I made when we were ten.
-a bunch of Nicole's stuff; stuff she made and some of her shoes.
-two Furbys.
-A skydancer. (which is actually pretty cool, Nicole and I were just talking about them a few days ago.)
-Various recipes for stuffed peppers, which we already make, and very well.
-A paper placemat from a diner with a map of the U.S on it. (not even shitting you.)
-a shaver. (good)
-magnets galore.
-two UI night lights, one missing a bulb, the other broken
-a framed photo of my grandparents on the Italian side.
-four extension cords.

basically the biggest shit delivery I've ever seen.
I decided it was enough to be upset about, but I'm trying to cool off before I call her and tell her I got them. as I was going though the boxes, I was seriously beginning to question her sanity. I don't think she has it anymore. I knew she was mentally 14, but this is getting ridiculous. Why don't you send me the stuff I already have instead of handing off your shit to me?
"I don't even know what's in there!" you say. "It'll be like Christmas!" you say.

Yeah, you know the Christmas when you were 5, and all you wanted was this one particular doll, and when you open up your present, it's the generic version and her head pops off after 5 minutes of playing with it?

I don't even like talking to her anymore. it sounds awful but she's so immature and she never listens to anything I say. if I try to talk to her about stuff that's going on, she'll interrupt me half the time, and then say, "Oh, that sucks, let me tell you about how shitty my life is too." yeah, well guess who made it that way, you job gypsy? If you'd stayed in one fucking place longer than a few months your whole life, don't you think everything would have played out a *little* bit better?
Shelley Holly, I hope you read this. You need to grow up or you're going to fail at the rest of your life too.

(I know it sounds like I'm freaking out about boxes, but there's way more behind this. trust me.)

So I just helped my tax guy learn how to unzip files with winRAR.

He's actually one of my mom's good friends, and goddamn is he smart; he has a whole alphabet soup after his name. Computers though...like most older folks, it confuses him. And I'm sure he's worried that he'll blow up Washington D.C if he clicks the wrong button. XD Why do people think that, anyway? like they'd make it that easy.

...

I'm probably on some government watch list now.

Anyway, I basically just had to make an amendment to my taxes but there was something complicating matters, so I had to sent him scans of my stuff and he'll take care of it. I was glad to be able to help him figure out winRAR...He's already got winzip on there (he said that he was able to do it once before but since it went all janky with my winrar files, I knew he didn't have winrar. I should have had him set it up to be default for winzip too...)so it wasn't too bad. I figure it's a decent exchange: he helps me with my taxes and I help him learn computer stuff. :D I was surprised to find that I was good with explaining it.

I seem to be working on my confidence lately. My therapist and I (LOL SHRINK) have uncovered that, for reasons we know but I do not wish to share here, I keep trying to make everybody around me happy and try to be perfect so they have nothing to be upset at me for. I fear criticisms and I don't want people to think I'm inadequate in any way, but I tend to be more critical of myself. Trying to be perfect was hard. took a big toll on me, setting an unreachable goal. I didn't even do it consciously; I like the way I look (girls whom I find attractive tend to look like me, save for Joanna Ost.My list of pretty people. Miss Ost is in there. )
and I'm beginning to realize how smart I really am.

for instance, I suck at math. I hate it. I never paid attention in high school math, and so I never really understood how to do any algebra. I had to fail Math Fundamentals 2 to finally get a teacher who explained it well (and to get my ass straighted up and paying attention.)Well now, I have an A+. This is stuff I've basically never done before. I dunno, I think that's pretty damn good. All this time, I didn't suck at math, I just needed to pay attention! :D And as ridiculous as this sounds, when my mother reminded me yesterday that it's normal to struggle when you're first learning something. Most people do. I went, "oh yeah." Learning has never really been a problem for me, and I'm not sure why. Not like I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth, but I never realized that it was out of the ordinary. I'm very lucky.

But these graphs, man, killer. I think it was because, when we were going over how to do them, there was a threat on the building and we had to leave in the middle of class. I thought we picked up where we left off, but we may have left some stuff out. oh well. I've been freaking out over it all weekend until yesterday, when I got a look at my midterm grade. I said to myself, "this is one section out of all of them that's given you hell. so you bomb this section. it's not that big of a deal." positive self-talk ensues. it's cornball but it helps.

And I've been thinking of cutting my hair. it's almost waist length, but it hasn't changed since 8th grade. it's only been growing. Since I seem to perceive myself as the same person I was in high school (shy, social outcast...it was guilt by association, really) but I'm not. I've changed a lot in the past year. maybe I need some physical signal to my brain that I am different. I like my hair, it's pretty, but it does get in the way sometimes. and it'll grow back. I'm just not sure if I want to go 1920s bob or shoulder length. My hair is naturally curly, so I have to take that into account. it's just so long right now that it pulls the curls out. XD it would probably look like this if I bobbed it:

Which is actually pretty cute. :D I'm sure shoulder length would be traumatic enough...

Jesus fuck-christ, it's been a long time since I updated. a whole quarter has flown by. Today (yesterday?) was actually the last day of the quarter.

holy crap, I can't type when I'm tired. thank god for firefox spellcheck.

So, the whole depression meds thing; I went back on for a little bit, just taking halves on the days where I could tell I would need them. basically, they just made me not sad. which is sort of what they're supposed to do but that's not all there is to depression.
I stopped taking them again when I felt better (I know, I know...) but I actually stayed feeling alright. I mean, there were some awful days mostly when I would wallow in all the sad, unrequited love type songs that seem to be taking up my ipod. so now I try not to listen to them, as good as they are (fuck you, Muse! why does "Sing for Absolution" have to be so beautiful?)
Office is good for curing this problem. :D They actually posted some new stuff today. I can't wait until the album comes out...I already have "sleepwalking" in my head. 'She'll never sleep~'

but yeah. since that falter with the meds, I haven't been taking them, but I have been seeing a therapist at school. free therapy, fuck yeah! :D but no, seriously, she's helped me a lot. connecting bits and pieces that I never noticed before but make total sense when brought out in the open. stuff like that, you know? She's infinitely better than that other therapist I had in Michigan.

holy fuck, it's almost three-am. And there's an awful squeaking noise outside. like breaks. I'm going to sleep now. D:

I keep forgetting to update.

School started up this Monday, jumpstarting my anxiety. I was very anxious for Monday and Tuesday. I found that coffee, of course, didn't help. There was a new feeling with the anxiety; sort of a sting, mostly in my feet, legs and fingers. really bizarre. I was also very tired, but that's because my sleep schedule has been so off kilter and I'm just starting to get back to a normal one. It's so easy to stay up until 2:00 AM now. I used to get a headache at two and go to sleep. I've also noticed that, since I've been off my meds, my intuition is sharper. when someone is looking for a good word, I'll think of a word that's not too commonly used but used enough, and then they'll say it. (I know that's fairly common, but I haven't been doing it with such frequency in a while.) Nicole and I were walking down the street last week, and there was a guy bringing an Open House sign in. it had a balloon on it, and I thought, "He's going to offer it to us."
Do you want to see the photographs of Nicole with the balloon?
It sort of concerns me, that one little pill oppressed so much in me. One day, antidepressants will be yet another way the government controls us. It's perfect. Make people who aren't depressed think that they are, people who are smart or psychic or creative or some other threat (those sorts usually are anyway; it's not easy.) and put them on medicine. They think they're being helped, but they're really not. and when you're on antidepressants, you don't care anyway. At least that's how it was for me. they did help for a time, but then, nothing. I even switched a few times. I feel better off of them. Sure, my focus tends to waver, but I can get myself back on track. (it always did anyway, come to think of it. I forgot.)  They're not bad, but their use should probably be limited and used alongside psychological therapy.

I was recently offered a possible job at an antique shop in Evanston, but, as is typical of me, I waited too long and the circumstances have changed. which sucks, because it would have been a perfect job for me. Oh well. it WAS my fault, after all. She said that she would keep my name and information on file in case circumstances change again.  I still have the option of the learning center. I can tutor english, and I will eventually be able to tutor photoshop, excel and the like.  The learning center may actually be better for me because I'll meet more students in my school, it's definitely more interactive. both times I've been to the antique shop, it was just the one woman working there. And not much seems to have changed, product wise. it makes me miss the antique shop we used to go to in Michigan. it was incredible. HUGE. anytime I wanted a new hat or photograph, I could find more than what I wanted there. I even remember seeing dagguerotypes there! I almost bought one too. That place seriously rocked. I'd love to find another place like it.

I have some typography homework to do.  >_<

Sorry it's been so long since I posted.

The week after that entry, the only withdrawal symptoms I had were dizziness and irritability. (oh fuck, I just sneezed on my keyboard. good thing I'm the only one that uses it.) Now the dizziness is gone except for one or two spells here and there. I've gotten a few bad headaches lately, but I'm not sure if it's related. It usually starts in my jaw, which clicks, and then radiates up to my forehead, eye a and the back of my head and neck, only on the side that my jaw clicks though. That only started after I got my braces off. D: oh well.

Ah, so what else is there to tell? I just returned from seeing my family in Connecticut; flew back to Chicago yesterday. The hardest part was leaving, but the return flight was less bumpy and quicker (we only got delayed coming in about 18 minutes) than the flight to Hartford. It was good to see everyone, but I am glad to be home.

Christmas eve, my Holly grandparents, my sister, mom and I went to my Uncle TJ's house. Now, for some reason, my Aunt and my Mom have never liked each other. (Uncle is Mom's brother, fyl) So my aunt seems to do vindictive things to her all the time. Christmas eve was a good example. Now, that house just sort of has an oppressive air about it; my sister and I don't fit in at all. We both wore vintage dresses (mine was from Salvation Army, a lovely, obviously hippie dress in typical 70's green, but it was beautiful, and in great shape!) and my cousins are all talking about how much this cost, and how much they paid for that...D: It made me really glad to be raised in Michigan. Yeah, they were a bit backwards there, but at least they were kind and they knew that family was most important (except for the couple of religious nuts who put god first. That's the most  horrifying thing I've ever heard of).
After I respectfully followed the motions and mouthed the words of a Catholic prayer we always do, my grandparents passed around the opathke, which is basically a polish communion wafer. (I just researched it and I found an error in the way they do it- the pink opathke is for the animals, and they always gave it to the people! LOL WUT). This is where everyone expresses good wishes and stuff to their family members, but it's really just a farce with them. Anyway, when my grandma got to my sister....well, Grandma's a little kooky. She had a minor stroke 7 years ago which I don't even consider relevant, but she's kind of gone downhill from there, and she can't put what she wants to say in a correct sentence format....so she said to my sister, all emotional and proud;
    "I hope you get a lot this year."

my mom, sister and I were CRACKING UP so hard. We love Grandma but oh my god, that was so funny. Then, my mom had to extend the hilarity by saying,  "well, she gets more than I do!"

I think my ears were as bright as the lights on the tree. but I was laughing. My mom's not a typical mom, as you can probably tell. Which is probably why that side of the family doesn't like her.  My cousin Jake is apparently a lot like her, but they tolerate him because he's got money and he's very religious.

This side of the family always has an adults table and a children's table. My cousins, sister and I have always sat at the children's table, but there was an extra seat this year. I couldn't figure out why until my mom told me later that at the adult table, two of my distant relatives were sharing a seat.
They meant for Mom to sit at the children's table. This is the vindictiveness I was talking about.

It got worse. They handed out all their presents, and my sister and I even got something, but Mom was the only one they didn't get anything for. It's not that she didn't get anything, it's that they purposely left her out. They could have picked up a candle or something at least.  I felt hurt for mom. I almost left my own gift there (it was only a sweater) but I knew it wouldn't do much; it would only work if Nicole and I both left them, but she said she didn't notice.

There was an argument between my mom and my grandpa later that night, but I don't want to get into it. It pretty much sucked. I wish my mom had the brains about her to pay off her bills, save up and get out. She would be so much happier.

Christmas day was a lot nicer. Nicole and I went over to our Capoccitti side's house before we went to my Uncle David and Auntie Joni's place. My grandpa seemed more awake than usual, so I took the opportunity to ask him a little more about where our family came from. I finally got some good info out of him- his father, Frank, had come from the province of Foggia, Italy. FINALLY. god, took him long enough. I don't know where Lena came from (it's hard to track her; she was apparently Italian but her maiden name was English. wtf.) but at least I have a good start now. Foggia is in the heel of Italy. :) I've been researching everywhere from Naples to Castofranco (which is still in the running), to Calabria, but at last I have one definitive answer.
I just did a little more research on Foggia, and I found a paragraph that states that, during the winter months, farmers from Abruzzi, Molise, Irpinia and Lucania used areas of Foggia as pastures for their flocks. The Capoccitti name originates from Balsorano, a town in Abruzzi.
This is probably how my great grandparents ended up in Foggia.
holy fuck.
Anyway, My sister asked Grandma to pull out the old photographs of us to see. Hilarious 90s clothes ensue. But tucked in the back, on the last page of one of the books, is a photograph from 1937. it's my great grandpa and grandma Capoccitti. Frank and Lena.
I looked at Lena and saw myself. I look so much like her. Now I'm even more interested in Lena. But how does one begin tracking such a common name? I don't know. I'd probably have to start that search in Foggia.
I told my dad, who doesn't yet have access to the internet, what I'd found about our family. I told him, in front of my grandpa, that I'd found an article mentioning my great uncle Vinny (not even joking) as a teamsters union rep for that area of Connecticut. I saw my grandpa shift a little. I was talking about his brother, after all. Then dad told me a story I'd never heard before.
My dad is a musician. When he was about 18 or 19, he and his band played for 2 nights at some sort of bar or club, and when it came time to be paid, the owner wouldn't pay them. My great uncle, who had told my dad (and later my mother) that if he needed anything, to just call him. This was the only time my dad did so.
They got their money.
It was after I told about the info I'd found online that Grandpa gave up more information about his father. He'd gotten up and gone into the back of the house, and when he came back I asked more questions. I think that he realized I could find out about any possible mafia connections without his help, so he decided to make it easier on me. XD It really is a serious thing though, so I won't poke any further into any possible connections. If I happen upon them, that's different, but I'll refrain from actively researching it.  I could tell that grandpa was getting uncomfortable as I was talking about it though. So funny.

Since this is turning into yet another giant, stream of consiousness entry, I'll try to keep the rest short. We went to my aunt and uncle's house. They have a beautiful house; not too big and not too small, but they have a lot of high end technology. they have it because they earned it, and they don't brag about it like the holly's do. I was amazed at how much more comfortable I felt there. 2 of my female cousins, Danielle and Amy, who I hadn't seen since I was probably about 6 or 7, were there. they welcomed Nicole and I with open arms and conversed with us as if we'd never been apart.  My Holly cousins I'd seen much more often and they barely spoke to us. I ended up getting an annoying headache, but I was still glad to be there. Nicole and I both got lots of chocolate, money and gift cards, and we had a lot of fun talking to everyone. It was so much more chill. 

I'm glad to be home though. It's sort of easier to just say home. I've lived in three places this one year; Michigan, Connecticut, and now Illinois. Oftentimes I'll get confused and say "Michi-no, Chica-no, Connecticut! argh!" So I just say home. It makes me laugh when people ask where I grew up. I'll say, "do you want where I was born, raised or live now?"
Even though 2007 sort of sucked, a lot of good things happened too. I hope 2008 brings more good than bad, and maybe even a boyfriend!

A few weeks ago, Dave and I were sitting watching TV, and a commercial came on for some sort of wet look lipstick. He asked me why chicks think that looks good. I didn't know. I like a little shine, but not like a mirror.
So today, I bought some lip gloss at Aldi for the hell of it, and decided to to an experiment. Before I went to Jewel to pick up some other things, I put my bright red lipstick on and my new lip gloss over it. Now, I know the primal thing behind bright red lips; it sort of alludes to a sexually excited vagina. srsly. It was then I understood what the whole wet look thing symbolized. D:

I don't think I've ever gotten so many stunned looks from men.



This is how I looked. my camera sort of faded the lips out somehow, they were brighter.

There were even two guys in a rental moving van actually turning to look at me. fuck, looking back, I'm surprised they didn't crash! funniest thing ever. apparently, my long hair helps too. had I had it in a ponytail, it would have been less interesting. I wasn't wearing anything revealing; I had my clunky snow boots on and my yeti fur coat; it was all the lips and hair.

Women don't realize how much we hold the strings. men may think they're in charge, but really, when a woman looks attractive, all of a sudden they're thinking with a different head. There's so much power in using your looks. I guess it's manipulative, but it's sort of their fault too. We don't even have to sleep with them to get what we want. if they think we might, they'll fall all over us and do what we want, you just have to know how to pull the strings. now, I'm young and still learning, so I have to be careful, but once you know what you're doing and how to read men, I'm sure you could get a lot done without actually doing it.

Red's a power color for a reason.

On another note, I've stopped taking my antidepressants. I've been slowly reducing them since I went to Connecticut. for the whole time I was there, I took only one instead of the prescribed one and a half. when I got to Chicago, I alternated daily between a whole and a half. Yesterday and today, I didn't take one at all.
Yesterday morning I felt especially lethargic and fuzzy, but as the day progressed, I felt clearer. I've never felt that clear-headed in my life. Or, at least, it's been a long time. I feel good too. I feel...better. I feel like I'm alive again.
I think that, while antidepressants dull the hurt and sadness of depression, they also dull every other emotion and feeling. I can't describe how I felt yesterday other than alive. I kept noticing details in things; every hair and blackhead on my face, the marks in the sink, the grain of paper...it's was sort of like getting glasses after being farsighted all your life.
Do you suppose, that antidepressants are sort of like the cocaine of this generation? or like the benzodrine tablets of the 50s? We think they're okay now, that they help and do good, but what if they actually don't? What if they're a harmful drug? I mean, people suffer withdrawal symptoms when they stop taking antidepressants suddenly. Smokers do that too. I don't think antidepressants are good. I just did a little research, and here's something I came across:
"Health care providers should carefully monitor patients receiving antidepressants for possible worsening of depression or suicidality, especially at the beginning of therapy or when the dose either increases or decreases. Although FDA has not concluded that these drugs cause worsening depression or suicidality, health care providers should be aware that worsening of symptoms could be due to the underlying disease or might be a result of drug therapy."
(http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/2004-03-22-FDA-SSRI-warning.htm)
It seems that this is true, as my depression did seem quite worse when I was on them. I can't really speak for certain yet though. I feel clearer and more productive off of them. I fell asleep almost right away last night, and sleep has been a big problem for me. I never feel refreshed when I wake up, and this morning I felt better than usual, not quite totally refreshed, but more awake. I'm a bit tired right now, but that's because I went grocery shopping and carried a bag that was about 30 pounds through a foot of snow. XD
I'll try to keep updating this on my experiences with and without antidepressants. I think it's important to document. (also, have you noticed that there are no "let's cure depression!" organizations?)

There are also other circumstances that have changed since I moved to Chicago. My mom's not here. I love her, but the woman has issues. she has problems with alcohol, which always made stability at home a little uncertain. Okay, a lot uncertain. I think she was a major factor in my depression, honestly. I never wanted to tell her, because I love her, but I really do believe that.
Living with Nicole has made my life a lot more stable. I know that when she and Dave go out to a concert or whatever, they'll both come back sober and fine. When Mom went out, I never quite knew. I hoped she'd be sober, but deep down I knew she wouldn't be back until one or two AM.
I pay my half of the bills, I buy groceries and do my own laundry...I'm actually more independent than my mother. I think I'm more independent now than she ever was. poor thing. I really do pity her, but she also got herself into this current situation. She must suffer the consequences and learn from her mistakes, but that's the thing- she never HAS learned from her mistakes, which has lead her to make the same ones over and over and now her life is in shambles. She can still fix it, but I doubt it. because she won't learn. she never has.

Actually, I have to go do laundry now. XD and clean out the fridge to take the garbage out.

Yesterday, my sister and I went downtown. She'd forgotten her coffee mug at work; she works right in the Hancock tower at a souvenir shop. I'd never seen it before. Hell, that was my first time in there!
Nicole got us to the top of the tower for free because she works there, and it was SO PRETTY. the city glittered below us. There were a lot of tourists there too of course. What got me was all the couples there. There was the cutest Japanese couple there, sitting on one of the benches cuddling and looking out on the city. As I watched them, I saw them kiss. It looked like something straight out of a shoujo manga. they were so cute. Maybe it was just me, but there was a bittersweet feeling. As if they knew this had to end soon, but were sort of just reveling in the moment.
Walking around downtown, with the brisk air and people laughing, the trees all lit up on Michigan avenue...it's so pretty at night. I couldn't help but have Gackt's "December Love Song" in my head, it fit so perfectly. Even though Nicole was there, it made me feel very lonely. I very much want a boyfriend, but I haven't found anyone suitable yet. And I won't settle. that's never a good idea...I don't know what the point of this entry was, but I just sort of felt lonely. Maybe I'll have someone soon.

I woke up tired today. I even considered skipping class, but I have math on tuesdays and thursdays and I can't really afford to miss that.(I'm in the lowest of the low math classes. we're working on fractions and decimals right now. which is good, because I'm finally understanding stuff I never knew) Sandor was going on and on, doing twelve examples of multiplying decimals. no shit. We can't use calculators yet, but I usually do. I understand how it works, so why bother making it longer to do?
in my second class, rapid visualization, I started to feel homesick too. I really miss my dog Rocco. is that stupid? this is him--



I wasn't a dog person until I got him. He's so sweet. I can't wait to go home for Christmas and see him. if I can afford a ticket. D: Christ, I hate being poor. Why does some airhead like Paris Hilton get a ton of cash and I have barely 500 dollars?
Oh well. At least college is the only time in your life where you're expected to be poor. XD Seeing Nicole doing well has given me a lot of hope. She's not really working in her field yet, but she's happy and getting damn good pay as an assistant manager. She works in the Hancock tower at a souvenir shop. She gets to meet people from all over the world.
Anyway, my day got worse when I got a text from mom telling me to go to the financial aid office. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. I hate the stupid financial aid office. they give me nothing but problems. I already had to pay my rent for November out of pocket. which I barely had. it all got resolved for now, but I may have to pay December's rent out of pocket too. Which I can't do. Nicole's doing well enough that she could pay a whole month and I can just pay her back my half when I get the money, but I really don't' want to do that. I think it will be fine though. I should have the money by Nov. 27 I think she said. if that's true, I should be fine.
I was going to go talk to the woman at the learning center about a job tutoring in English (my sister tutored there for a few years) but I was still upset by my financial aid and couldn't find a quiet, secluded space to sob so I didn't go. meh. tomorrow. I won't get caught up in playing Spades with my friends at lunch this time. XD
So now I'm sitting by myself in my apartment, because Nicole's at work tonight. I'm sort of glad she's not here right now because I get to cool off, but I'm so lonely all the time. I don't remember the last time I had a hug and I just feel so blah. I mean, I always feel blah, but it was pretty bad today. I actually considered stepping in front of the train again. I felt like I was having a panic attack on my way to the financial aid office (I dread them; Sallie Mae gives me nothing but hell.) but I think I headed it off.
When I was in middle school, I thought that everyone felt suicidal at one point or another. I thought it was normal until I read that it wasn't. I still have a hard time believing it though. Everyone MUST feel it sometimes.
I am on medicine, but I don't think the shit works too well. ever since I've been on medicine, I have lacked energy, creativity and motivation. I've always done the bare minimum to get by because I didn't feel like doing anything else. Medicine only dulls the sadness. That helps, but in dulling sadness, it dulls the other emotions too. I want to wean off it but I also need another plan to treat my depression before I go and do that. Nicole said that when she was on birth control, she got depressed, so it may work the opposite for me. still, I'm sick of skipping from medicine to medicine. I want a permanent solution. Nicole also says that it's my diet, which I know could be better (I consume a little too much sugar) but I also don't think that it's the whole thing.
And did you ever notice that there are no organizations out there determined to find a cure for depression? There's organizations to cure cancer and autism, and sure those are admirable, but how many more people are affected by depression? Perhaps that's what I'm supposed to do with this life. start that organization. well, I can't do it yet because I have no money and no time, but one day I'd like to start one. or, if there already is one and I just can't find it, I'd like to do all I can to help them.
Well, I've got my chrysanthemum tea and the house to myself, so I'm just going to relax for the rest of the afternoon.
just remind me that I have math homework to do. :)

I haven't written here in over a year. D:

I barely use this, I don't even think my family knows I have it. good. I can use it for stuff I don't want them to know. of course, that's sort of what a paper journal is for, but sometimes you just don't feel like writing, dammit.

I've been on a 1920s kick for the past month or two. I think Chicago's getting to me. (not like anyone is reading this, but I'm in Chicago for college. I lived in Michigan for 10 years, but I was born in Connecticut. I spent 3 months there in between Michigan and Chicago because I wasn't sure of where I wanted to go. Mom's divorce brought us to Michigan, sort of, and another one made us leave. I'll explain it all if I feel like it in another post...)
It's sort of strange, because I'm a lolita. (was? D:) I'm obsessed with costume history. I used to love the Regency the best, then the Rococo, and now it's the 1920s. I especially love the 1920s because I can dress up 20s-like and nobody would really think anything out of the ordinary. not to mention it's a lot less expensive! Looking like you jumped out of a Watteau painting is a bit pricey! It's pretty easy to sew, too. I've not tried it but I'd like to. Money's sort of a big issue right now, so I can't go frittering it away on fabric and patterns. ah well. at least I can do my makeup like a flapper. :D I found a really nice red lipstick at the dollar store recently. I know what you're thinking; bright red? dollar store? this girl probably looks ridiculous. I might, but I think that because I'm Italian and cursed (blessed?) with an olive skin tone, it really does work. I do need to find a good eyeliner though. I have this weird, thick stick of a thing...
My sister and I are going to Little India this Sunday. She wants to find more nose rings and I'm sort of searching for bindi. I've read up on it, and it seems that it's not offensive if a non-Hindu wears bindi. I just think it's so pretty...besides, I have thick bangs, and seeing a quick glint of bindi may just make some people interested. :) *There's* another thing I'm looking for. a boyfriend. xD
seriously though, I've never had a serious boyfriend and I really want someone. A gentleman, a real man who is kind to me. He ought to be able to protect me and make me feel safe. I can't give much in return besides love, but I can sort of cook. following a recipe is no trouble, but coming up with something out of thin air is a bit difficult. I'm really good at cleaning though~ I cleaned my sister's rug that she couldn't get clean for about a year. XD I know feminists would be all over me, but they can shove it. What's wrong with wanting to be a traditional feminine? With some modern elements of course. there are some things I simply can't give up and that make me appreciate being a modern woman. One, I have my rights by the law. I can be free and not depend on a man if I so choose. I'm also glad that I can demand respect and expect to get it. But I do wish that women would work a little more on being... womanly. I'm afraid in our journey to become equal with men that we've become masculine. There are plenty of men, ladies! be a girl! wear a dress! hell, OWN dress! can you believe that some women don't even OWN a dress at all? that's very hard for me to believe. I've always had dresses. There was even a time in my life where I refused to wear jeans. they were (and still are to a point) very uncomfortable and I simply found my skirts much easier to move in.
It's hard to wear skirts and dresses in Chicago though. it's quite windy. But, as I've found with lolita, more skirts/a petticoat, something like that, makes your skirt much less likely to fly up. Makes me happy to see voluminous skirts coming back into fashion. that's one love I'll never give up.
another thing coming back that simply delights me-- HATS!! I'm such a hat fanatic. I adore hats. I actually just bought a spring/summer hat from Salvation Army today. It's from the 80s, but I tore off the hideous polka-dotted bow and I plan to replace the trim with something else. I just adored the shape. it reminded me of an early 20s hat. I'll have plenty of time to trim it, as I can't wear it in November! I have a nice black cloche for now. :) my hair is to the bottom of my bra strap though, so it doesn't always behave the way it should. ah well. I don't think I'll sacrifice my locks anytime soon. I adore them. I rarely see people with long hair, although it seems to be coming back into fashion. I saw a woman today at Starbucks; oh, she was a woman after my own heart. Her hair had to be about to her bottom. I couldn't quite tell because it was draped over the back of her seat. and she had a hat on. I forget what type, as I only saw her as I was leaving. She was a redhead too! it wasn't shiny though...I'm sure it could be with some work.
I'd love to fingerwave my hair, but it would be expensive to get a perm. there's another reason I won't cut my hair; if were to cut it, I'd probably get it bobbed and fingerwaved, and that's expensive to maintain, at least for a college student. :)
I'd like to do my hair like this:

See the woman closest to the judge type man? with the ringlets? hers. it's so cute! Also, there's the woman in the top row, 3rd over, who would probably be the most realistic for me to do. I'd put my hair in a bun at the nape of my neck with that style. I wonder how much a perm costs? D: (actually, looking at the judge type man's hat, it quite looks like the one I just bought! it's more oval than round, which is pretty cool.)

Alright, I ought to stop with my stream-of-consciousness style entry here. Kudos if you read all this. I'll try to write more.

This is my livejournal account that mainly exists to buy cute things from wendie20.livejournal.com. ^_^ go check out her store if you're addicted to cute! anyway, if you happen to venture over here and you own a livejournal shop with cute Japanese or Korean chararacter brand stuff for sale, or anything possibly related, comment and tell me what your shop has! or just say, "come visit me!" lol. I probably will.

thank you!

Happy Birthday Gackt!

today is the Demon King's birthday, and I think all the fans are celebrating in their own little way. the most adorable picture is on the Dears website-http://www.dears.ne.jp/
the Japanese says "Congratulations! The Demon King has turned 466 years old!"

466. wtf. Gackt claims he's really that old. He's crazy, I swear. but oh well. we love him anyway. He's really about 37 or something. :D whatever his age, he's awesome and we'll love him forever. ^___^

yay!
I've begun a new livejournal because I hated my old livejournal's name: Regency_witch13. :P

I'm on myspace alot too; it's http://www.myspace.com/31403766 . I'm on there more.

I'll try to write more later. :D