oh. after that drama I realized why Abed was reminding me of Levi. The way he handled the situation. Levi used to tell me to let him know when I was upset about something and always express my feelings, but when I did he'd make me feel as if I was wrong to feel them, even though they were justified. He'd do something like move in with 4 girls without talking to me about it first and I'd end up apologizing for it. Abed did the same thing in this situation. So my intuition was trying to tell me something. Even though Levi cheated on me, it wasn't really why we broke up... I don't want to put myself through this again. I want someone who does deeply love me, and doesn't just say it and then act cold towards me whenever things get tough.

mood: lonely

So I have had quite the dramatic life since I have last posted. I hate drama. Anyhow. Here's my job situation:

Had 4, one didn't work out b/c of miscommunication: I have yet to pick up my paycheque (it was the one in Beaches). Another I worked at for awhile (Peridot) and it just wasn't my cup of tea. So I recently quit it, I also still need to pick up my $. The other two I am still working at. One is the first job I had got, The Gem Bar and Grill. I like this job, though I think I may be more of a morning person and it's in the evenings and at night. Also, I don't feel secure in the job. Other than that it's a good job. The other is at a vegetarian resto called Get Real. I like the resto, but there are problems: pay=shit, have to wash dishes by hand (which isn't THAT bad), I hear the boss can get crazy and I've seen glimpses of foreshadowing. So yeah, that's my current job situation.

Work has been crazy. I had been working too many jobs (another reason why I quit Peridot, I burnt myself out). Then I took a week off and went home. So here's where another piece of drama fits in.

My roomie, her friend and I had been planning on renting a car and driving home. Then my boyfriend, Abed, reveals that he has a friend leaving the day before we were planning to that is driving out that way. He says that his friend will likely leave a day later b/c we would help with gas and driving and keep him company, as well as give him places to stay on the way (I was going to Dryden, my roomie to Dauphin, him to BC). Abed's kind of wishy-washy and not really answering my questions and not giving me his friend's contact info. A seat sale to return from home comes up and we figure if we're getting a ride there we'll have to find some other way to get home. The deadline for the sale is coming up so I put pressure on Abed to make sure that his friend can drive us and leave the day before. I repeatedly express how important it is to be able to leave the day before. Abed assures me that he is so sure that this is possible that he says he will pay for my bus ticket home if it is not (which would cost hundreds), that he talked to his friend and he was excited to give us a ride, and that he is talking to him again that evening. I pass this info on to my roomie and we decide to book our tickets back since we think that we have a ride, after Abed meets with his friend.

So we think we're set. A few days later I go to Hamilton to meet his friend. By then I'm starting to have doubts about Abed b/c he's not being very considerate (ie. my only morning off, I still worked in the evening, he comes up with his friends and has me meet him at 8am after I worked until 3am and had another night shift; I come to Hamilton on my only afternoon off and he doesn't even tell me which bus stop to get off at and then doesn't meet me there but makes me wait for 15min for his friend's mum to pick me up...) they're just little things but still make me wonder if he does really love me like he says he does, b/c he sure doesn't seem to care about how worn out I was. Anyway. I meet his friend, who has been drinking. His friend informs me that he cannot leave the day that I have to leave. I convince him however. His friend also tells me that his car is standard, which the rest of us can't drive. He also thinks that Abed is coming, which is part of the reason why he agrees to leave later, b/c he thinks that he has an extra driver. Abed convinces me not to tell him that he's not coming and that everything will be alright.

I few days later Abed finally gives me this guy's number. I call him. He doesn't remember our convo b/c he was drunk. But he tells me that he can't leave the 9hours later that we needed (b/c one of the girls worked). It turned into 9hours later instead of a day later b/c I managed to shift change b/c he told me that he could leave after Negaar's work that way. To do so I ended up working a 17hour day after having two weeks without a day off and many of those days short-shifted (which means you don't have 8 hours or less b/w shifts). I tell him that it's possible that Negaar can get off work 3 hours early. He says that he'll consider this. I also tell him that I'm pretty sure Abed's not coming (which upset Abed for blowing his cover). I did so b/c it greatly affected our plans. I am also informed that Abed's friend didn't know how many ppl were coming b/c he forgot our convo and Abed neglected to tell him. I feel worried and give my roomie and her friend his number. We're supposed to leave in two days.

The Sunday I wake up to start my 17hour shift, worried about the trip. I finish about half and get a message from Abed's friend, wondering what's up since nobody contacted him. I message my roomie asking her why she didn't contact him and telling her to. I get busy with work (I'm the only waitress on). There's a lull and I check my phone, about a 12 messages, most from Kali (my roomie). She's upset b/c he won't leave the 7hours later and she says her and Negaar are either flying (by this time flight's have gone up to $350 one way) or renting a car, but it depends on what I'm doing. She sounds upset with me. It's not really my fault, but I was in the middle of it so I ignore her anger towards me and try to figure out what to do. Between lulls I contact Abed (whom I'm upset with for miscommunicating things and pretty much lying to me about talking to his friend about leaving the day earlier and about how many people were coming and his roll in it all), Abed's friend, my mum, Kali... Basically b/w work and customers I'm frantically trying to figure out how I'm going to get home the next day. Abed's friend informs me that he needs to leave earlie r b/c he has a friend that he wants to waterbomb (he's MOVING out west and will have however long he lives there to do this... but whatever). I try to convince him to leave later again and when he doesn't I decide to not go with him, not only b/c of his silly reasoning and b/c he would be leaving my roomie and friend behind, but b/c of my original commitment to them and b/c I know Kali would've been furious with me. I let Abed's friend know, but tell him that he can still stay at my place in Dryden if he wants.

I finish work upset about all of this but thinking it'll work out. I get home, go on facebook, and Abed's status says no longer in a relationship with me. So I worked a 17h shift, went through all of this, was on my period, and now this. I didn't know if he's trying to break up with me on facebook or what. But either way I'm upset. I didn't even know that he was upset with me and I find out after anyone else who read his status first and he does it on FACEBOOK!? WTF?! I try calling him but he doesn't answer. Instead I call one of my best friends from home, Dan, and he talks me through it (this has it's own story, but I'm not going to post it, at least not yet). Meanwhile the next morning I get a call from some friends whom I had made plans with that morning but kind of forgot through all of this. I haven't seen them in months and they live in Ottawa. I agree to hang out for a bit. While we're out Abed calls. He has talked to his friend and they've decided that I'm being vindictive. Why? b/c I decided to not take a ride with his friend. Apparently my roommate is rubbing off on my in a bad way?! Well... I've already expressed why I refused the ride, and to no means was it me being vindictive towards Abed and actually had nothing to do with him at all. He also says that I am passing the blame onto him. Which I maybe am a little, but I'm upset and he is largely responsible for the failure of the plans, whether he admits it or not. I express to him that I know that he had good intentions, but that he screwed up. He doesn't like this. He tells me that I obviously aren't who he thought I was, but that he wasn't breaking up with me, that the facebook thing was to express his anger (and I'M vindictive?!). I tell him I'm too upset and tired to talk right now. He says rudely, "FINE!" and hangs up.

I say goodbye to my friends b/c I am too upset to hang out. I try to call him again and he doesn't answer. I call a good friend how introduced us and she calms me down, makes me feel better about my decisions and how I handled it (Abed somehow had gotten ME to apologize on the phone...) I get home, pack my bag in 20min, rush out the door and me and Kali go to the car rental place (she had booked after the fiasco). Negaar comes. On such short notice the place won't let us take any of the cars left out of province. After two hours we get a car elsewhere for about twice as much. Abed calls and tells me we'll discuss things when I get home, but he's speaking to me as if nothing happened. I pass out and after a long drive home (21hours) I am home. Home is good. I spend most of my time with my parents, Dan and Beth, I also get to see Megan and a few others. Abed calls me once in there to ask me if I'll go to CarlyAnne (his friend)'s cottage. She wants me to come and his whole family will be there. He's still acting as if nothing happened. I'm a little cold to him on the phone b/c I really don't want to talk to him. I'm back in Toronto. My trip cost me a few hundred more than originally planned b/c of the switching of car rental and the plane cancellation. I messaged Abed b/c we need to talk. He hasn't messaged me back yet.

Basically I think we have to break up. I am upset b/c of the good times we had and b/c of the emotions I had for him and thought he had for me. I'm upset b/c he seems unemotional about all of this and I wonder if he ever loved me like he said he did. I'm a little torn. But he'd have to do some accepting and promising etc for us not to break up. I'm concerned that if we see each other, still have the feelings, and decide to stay together, that in a few months or even years when something else comes up he'll react even worse. If he reacted this way over me not taking a ride with his friend, what next? I can't handle it and won't take it. But I'm doing it in person. Just when will I see him next?

So yeah. I'm assuming nobody read this drama, but if you did I apologize for the length and for boring you.

mood: disappointed

I've been doing hot yoga. It's great. Except I may not find time to do it tomorrow. :( work.

I haven't spoken or heard from Abed since my last post. Not even a text message. I find this weird. He went from suggesting we move in together to nothing in such a short amount of time?! Must be me feeling paranoid as a result of Levi. Way to screw me up Levi! Though it is uncommon for Abed not to text me. He usually does so incessantly.

Work's been meh. I've had a misunderstanding with one job, so I don't know what's going on there. It was mostly on their part, not mine, but still. I don't really need to work somewhere that is going to make me make about 6 phone calls just to find out that I don't have shifts but can make my own as long as I call someone who will call someone else to confirm that the shifts I chose are ok, only to have them call me back two days later. Yeah. It's as confusing as it sounds.

Other jobs: Again, the one I like reduced my shifts. :( I'll see how that goes tomorrow night.
The other finally got me off food running in the evenings only and the rest of the time I'm kind of just helping out. I haven't really seen any money out of this so I don't really know how this'll pan out. I should get paid soon enough though and I'll know after that if I need to go job hunting again or what.

I wish Abed would contact me. I wonder if he's questioning my feelings and that's why he's mia. I'll give him another day. Though a day can sometimes feel like forever.

So I've been extremely lazy lately. Wonder why. Diet? Work? or am I just not adjusted to the new city yet?

Anyhow. Despite all of this I've been working. However, it has been disorganized. Two of my jobs are very unreliable about giving me shifts and I have to call them and organize my own. ?! And my other job, the one I really like, The Gem, has reduced my shifts due to the regular staff who have been demanding more shifts. So this sucks. All I can really do is hang in there and possibly look for another job... which I'm not really wanting to do, but if that's what it's going to take...

Besides work, life in Toronto has been a little dull. The city's interesting but I don't get out much and haven't made many friends yet. Oh well.

Things with Abed have been good. I'm starting to get really attached... as is he. We discussed earlier about labels and I told him that I don't ever want to get married or have kids. He agreed with me about the marriage thing but told me that he wants kids someday. I know this seems a little fast a topic and wow. I figure if it ever gets to that (which if it does will surely be a long way down the road) we'll have to compromise. I'd be willing to adopt.

So, along these lines: I met Abed's parents. They're really nice. Abed told his mum that he is really serious about me (to my shock) and he introduced me to his friends as his girlfriend (so much for labels). I asked him about it after and he apologized saying that it's hard to describe a relationship without putting on a label that most people would understand, and considering his history with girls it was just his way of telling his friends that I'm here to stay and that he is serious about me and exclusive and all that stuff. I guess I can take the label, since I feel the same way about him. It's weird because normally something like this would really freak me out. But he doesn't freak me out. Could be because we've been "dating" for about 2 months and he hasn't made a move on me. Which is awesome. I am not ready for sex. Sounds strange coming from a 23 year-old. But the last guy I dated was super pushy and I had to tell him no at least a dozen times in the first (and only) week that we were dating. So it's nice to meet a guy who is interested in me as a person.

Anyhow, it feels good to be in a relationship again. Though I'm afraid he's getting more serious than I am. This always seems to happen to me. He's been talking about the future a lot and traveling together and where we may live one day, etc. I feel like we're still getting to know one another. There's so much about me that he doesn't know. I'm just afraid that he has the wrong perception of me and that once he gets to know me he won't like me anymore.

Sorry he's become the subject of this long post, but it seems that he's on my mind a lot. I sent him a text the other day, being a little drunk and not proof-reading it, it said "Sorry I'm love you here" instead of "Sorry I'm late, you here?" He seems to think that I was trying to say "love you". Which I was most definitely not. Though it does appear to be some sort of Freudian slip. I just had the T9 on my cell phone and typed an O instead of an A. Anyhow, interesting that he didn't freak out. Instead he watered me with compliments. I hope he isn't confusing me with one of his plants. Gardening is his new hobby.

Anyhow. I better end this long rambling about Abed. Well at least it wasn't all about work like usual.

Peace, cheers, all that jazz

location: Toronto mood: anxious music: Jenn Grant - Rainy Day

trying so hard to make some. I just want to make enough this summer to pay my rent, food, and school. Is that too impossible a goal?
So I currently have three jobs. I don't plan to keep all three for too long. Really depends on how they go.

The first one:
The Gem Bar and Grill:
When I went to this interview I was late because I got lost. It took me forever to find this place and it's so far from where I live. I entered and it seemed like just a dingy pub. I wasn't even thrilled when the owner called the next day hiring me. However, I went in and saw it in a different light. It's more quaint than dingy and the clientele and staff are amazing for the most part. Plus the tips are better than anywhere else I've worked. So in a whole I like this job. The biggest downfall: It's a bit of a trip home for 3am. I hope to keep it though. I think the boss likes me and I'm doing a good job, however, I've messed up my cash-out a few times. Nothing major, but frustrating none-the-less as I don't know how I did it. Last time I worked though I didn't screw it up and it was all good. So hopefully that keeps up because even the best worker can get fired if the money is always screwed up.

The second:
Peridot Resto Lounge:
Nice place, but not sure how I'm going to like working here. The boss seems ridiculously particular and the "head" waiter (or who seems to be) is a little arrogant, though was friendly to me. I applied for a wait job, but so far he just has me food running and I have no idea how the tip situation's going to be and if this food running thing is temporary or permanent. However, it's in a good location: not too close to my house that I don't get to explore the city and won't be lazy; not too far either. Also, the hours are much more reasonable and this place is closed on Sundays. We'll see how this pans out.

The third:
Fitzgerald's:
Cute place in a nice neighbourhood. However, this neighbourhood is once again far from my place (though doesn't seem quite as far as the first). The people working there seem fine (from the two hours I worked today). However, he has me coming in twice a week for two hours to clean. This seems ridiculous. Why not clean before my serving shift? Why not have all the servers do so? This is how every other restaurant I've ever worked in works. You clean when you get off, and then come in an hour before the place opens and clean better. I'll have to talk to him about this because I am not hiking all the way down there twice a week to clean for two hours.

Anyhow. That's my situation. So for now I'm working all three to see how things go. Make some money, etc etc. If some don't work out that's fine (hopefully the Gem will stay in and be my back-up incase I need to look for a second job if both others don't stick). I was in Mill St. the other day and the bartender there told me they have a high turn-over and are always looking to hire. So maybe I can try there. It's a little too close to my apartment though, meaning I'd probably get lazy and wouldn't see much of the city. However, if I have two jobs that won't be a problem.

No job is perfect. Anyhow. Other than that Toronto's fine. Glad to have fed my curiosity of living here. I've concluded that although there's tons to do and everything, when you live here you are less likely to do these things than when you're just visiting. So I'm going to enjoy the city for the next three months or so and then back to St. Catharines. I have some really cool friends there. I miss my cool friends that are no longer in my everyday life. I haven't really met many people here yet (well that I have a lot in common with). Hopefully that will come.

Until the next one. Hope all is well with whomever stumbles across this. Peace, cheers, all that jazz

mood: contemplative

In news:
I have moved to Toronto. Just temporarily. I like the city for the city, but haven't really met anyone up my alley yet.

Abed's been coming down a bit. (This is the new guy)

I have three jobs. None of them are organized. I've been busy.

Don't really know what I'm doing here though. Thought I should try Toronto out. But I'm missing St. Catharines. Who'd of thought?! I'm sure I'll love it here once I meet people.

Lots of concerts here though and it's central for visitors! Come visit!

Peace, cheers, all that jazz

mood: groggy music: Marvelous Things - Eisley

What American accent do you have? (Best version so far) Canadian People from outside North America probably think you're from the States, but over here we wouldn`t make such a mistake.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Don't know how it did it!

I forgot about this. Oh facebook, how you have changed my life.
Anyhow. Life's been ok. I've been losing a lot of stuff lately: maybe a sign to abandon society and join an eco-village?
I should try to keep this up. Will do.
More news:
My brother is engaged! Yay!

mood: anxious

I've been sick and in the hospital again. Apparently it's migraines this time. Yep. slept wayyyyy too much and missed my history exam. Not fun. I would rather have done the exam than got sick as many times as I did. Anyhow. I'm here, still getting migraines, but okay for the most part! Just a little dizzy/sleepy and a little bruised up from all the needles.

1.YOUR SPY NAME (middle name and current street name):
-Nicole Pinecrest (or Nicole Wilde)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (grandfather/mother on your dad's side and your favourite candy):
-Shirley Rockets (first candy I thought of)

3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name and first three or four letters of your last name):
- K-Ches (or Kche)

4. YOUR GAMER TAG (a favourite colour, a favourite animal)
- Green Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and city you were born in)
- Nicole Dryden

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first three letters of your last name, last three letters of mother's maiden name, first three letters of your pet's name)
- Cheown Tys

7. JEDI NAME (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards):
- Elocin Nworb

8. PORN STAR NAME (first pet's name, the street you grew up on):
- Goldie Wilde (remember when the goldfish jumped out of the aquarium?)

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favourite colour and the automobile your dad drives)
-The Green Silverado

10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate)
- Roxie Perogie

so i have one in-class exam and only three during exam week.
Dec. 5 14-16 (chys 3p74)
Dec. 8 14-17 (hist 2p34)
Dec. 13 14-17 (fren 3p97)

So book away on the flights marmie! TO to WPG Thurs Dec. 14 = $154 + tax
Sat. it's $124 or something like that... but waste of days! i think the 14th is probably good unless you guys aren't picking me up right away. then i'm all for the saturday, b/c i'm sure there's things i can do here like guidance appt, compt fix etc. xoxo

mood: stressed

Before I go to bed...

Your Life: The Soundtrack
1. Open your music player.
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question press the next button.

Opening Credits - "Criminal" - Fiona Apple

Waking Up - "Hey Jude" - The Beatles

Falling in Love - "Fast As You Can" - Fiona Apple (two in just a few songs? weird...)

Fight Scene - "Darkness" - Disturbed

Breaking Up - "Scar" - Missy Higgins

Getting back Together - "Fire" - Jimi Hendrix

Secret Love - "I'll Be Seeing You" - Billie Holiday

Life's Okay - "No Surprises" - Radiohead

Mental Breakdown - "Silent All These Years" - Tori Amos

Driving Flashback (what does that mean?!) - "Teenager" - Deftones

Partying - "Alert Status Red" - Matt Good

Happy Dance - "Moonshadow" - Cat Stevens

Regretting - "Sing" - Travis

Long Night Alone - "All Over You" - Live

Final battle - "Amazed" - Paul McCartney ???

End Credits - "Father and Son" Cat Stevens

I have 3000 songs on my player... I'm surprised I had so many bands/artists twice!

Goognight y'all

music: Father and Son - Cat Stevens

I'm tired. Next week is death week. I'll try not to die. But I may feel dead... braindead after all the work I'll be doing. Soooo tired already.

mood: exhausted

hmmm... so. I'm sure you all know by now, but I spent the Saturday of Thanksgiving in the hospital. Ruptured ovarian cyst, which seems to be fairly common but HURTS! I read somewhere that it hurts more than childbirth! But that may be just because you actually get joy out of childbirth as well as pain... enough that maybe you'd forget the pain? I don't know... the memory of pain seems to fade with time anyway.

Aunt Molly sent a load of cookies back with her children. They were yummy and made my weekend better (not that it was bad). Despite the hospital I actually had a good time. And I have some really good friends who stayed with me the whole time. Belgian friends of course. Kalithea and AJ. I'm sure you guys remember Kali. I've probably mentioned AJ as well (she's in my video too), but if not, she's the vegan from NY. She's really sweet, although intimidating when you first meet her. But she's not mean at all and one of my favourite people in the whole world. I spent a lot of time with her in Prague.

I haven't been seeing Sam much this year. We've both been busy. I hope to see her more soon.

Other than that, not much new here. Some random guy wrote me a note in the library which kept my life a little exciting... mainly because things like that don't happen to me. And you know, anyone who calls me beautiful is usually family or close friends (who are kind of obliged to do so). So it made me feel nice, even though I thought it was a joke at first.

Schools been busy, which is to be expected with 6 classes.

xoxo. kels

location: In my room on Pinecrest St - St. Catharines. mood: lazy

I should be reading. But instead I was reading old entries in my journal. It makes me sad to read about the past, because I'm no longer in it. I hate school. 5 years is so long. I guess I only have 3 left, but it feels like forever.

I have 6 classes this year: EDUC 3F00, EDUC 8P15, EDUC 3P45, FREN 3P97, HIST 2P34, CHYS 3P74. That makes 4 third year, 1 second and 1 fourth (fren 3p97... if the cours code is above alpha90 it means that it is a higher level course... don't ask, because I don't know). Anyhow, this makes for a very busy schedule. I only have 4 exams though. And exams end on the 16th, so I'll be done soon. I was talking to Angela, and she mentioned getting together around xmas. So I was thinking since I don't start again until the 7th or something like that I could go back after New Years and spend a few days in NY. She thought it was a good idea.

My new roommates are great. Jen is really easy going, and Justine is really sweet. The girls next door are good too. Julie is in a lot of my classes, Carlene is in one that Julie's not in, Bri and Jess aren't in any, but they come visit more often. Anyhow, here's my address:
Kelsey Cheslock
55 Pinecrest
St. Catharines, ON
L2T 1C9

#905-680-8248 or 905-650-3458

gros bisous!

mood: nostalgic

It's been too long and I doubt that anyone is even checking this still... buuutttt... I'm back in St. Cat's and am now living on pinecrest. So have a good one. xoxo

You are right. I am a HUGE push-over... everyone knows that.

This weekend Jenny and Kalithea came. We had a little nostaligia about Belgium. But we had a lot of fun. We went to Karaoke and then a gay bar because it happens to be right by my house... it was interesting to say the least... we just stayed for a few songs b/c we felt like dancing after karaoke. Then we went home and slept. It was a short but sweet visit. I wish Jenny lived closer. I miss them.

but instead I'm doing this...

Tunes quiz!
Open your iTunes and try it out...

How many songs total: 2821 (I deleted about half of them... go me!)
How many hours or days of music: 8.2 days

Sort by song title
First Song: 1979 - Smashing Pumpkins (although I skipped all of those that the title's all messed up on)
Last Song: Zombie - The Cranberries

Sort by time
Shortest Song: Moments with Oliver - Rachael Yamagata (I should restart this survey b/c this made me actually delete some songs! Yay me!)
Longest Song: Shine on You Crazy Diamond - Pink Floyd (it's a live version)

Sort by album
First album: 'Decade' disc 2 - Neil Young or 12 Memories - Travis (because the ' shouldn't count)
Last album: Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie (but again... I had to skip all those that had none)

Top Five Most Played Songs
1. My Skin - Nathalie Merchant (I blame this on the camp b/c my comp was the camp stereo)
2. Breathe - Anna Nalick (I also blame this on the camp)
3. Such Great Heights - Iron and Wine (I blame this on Levi b/c we used to dance to this every night)
4. 3 Libra's - A Perfect Circle
5. Someday You Will Be Loved - Death Cab for Cutie

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Buffalo Soldiers - Bob Marley (but my comp's perm on shuffle)

Search the following and state how many songs come up
Death - 31
Life - 39
Love - 126
Hate - 5
You - 254
Sex - 4