Fat bastard ahoy! - Beer to replace water...

Fat bastard ahoy! - Beer to replace water...

Keef Baker

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Beer to replace water...	[Nov. 12th, 2004\|01:55 pm]
Lets start at the very beginning. I decided that for my birthday this year I would replace water with beer. So I made preparations.. Made sure I had a shower the night before (as I didn't want to shower in beer) and bought the required tools (beer) and didn't drink the night before (so I couldn't go "I can't be arsed, I'm hungover") Weapon of choice: Carling Experiment I: Brushing teeth I must admit it was a weird experience getting up at 7am and cracking a can of beer open. I've had beer from 7AM at the other end after staying up all night, but not from this end when I'm off to work in an hour and a half. So I poured beer on my toothbrush and started brushing... To be honest it didn't make much difference, the minty flavour of the toothpaste was powerful enough to remove any flavour of beer and there we go. However, there is one more thing you do with water when brushing your teeth. Yep.. rinse your mouth out, so up with the carling it was.. To be honest I was expecting to want to gip one hell of a lot more than I did. I in fact didn't gip at all. Verdict: You can indeed brush your teeth with beer without wanting to be sick. I'm sure it's not great for your breath though. Experiment II: Vitamin drink Every morning I wake up and have a vitamin drink. It works a lot better than coffee for me and I'm ready to start the day. Under normal circumstances this would involve dropping an effervescent orange flavoured pill into a glass of water to create a fairly pleasing orange drink. But today I am not allowed water, so it's carling. After I put the pill in chemistry started to do it's work and I ended up with a glass of mostly head, but I said I was going to do it so I drank it anyway Urgh! It was nasty. The foam was OK, it had an orange tinge to it and wasn't horrible at all but when I got down to the 1" of beer.. Oh god.. it was something else.. Agh! Especially as half of the pill hadn't dissolved and I had to crunch it down while drinking the vile mess... Verdict: Do not try this at home!! So I went to work, as you do and refused all coffees etc. By some bizzarre twist of fate I started to get a super-uber cold which meant I had to go home early. It was a good job as I was dying for a cup of coffee. Experiment III: Coffee So I filled the kettle up as normal except with a can of carling.. Then I proceeded to boil the kettle. Of course the thing is that I've never attepted to boil lager before so my first attempt was... shall we say a little shoddy.. But you can't be an expert at everything, so I learned the procedure, wait.... watch it rise... OFF! Until you were confident that the kettle was boiled... All good... Now it's time for coffee I decided to try it black first because people had suggested that the milk might curdle. So I gave it a little go... Uurgh... Harsh, nasty, just all round bad... I thought I'd stick some milk and sugar in anyway so I'd at least tried it. I mixed it all in and was surprised to find that the milk didn't curdle and that the colour was.... well... not unlike coffee really. See? So it's time to try it.. What is it actually like? ting Not bad, it kind of has a liqueur coffee taste to it, due to the alcohol and the sugar takes off the nasty beer edge... a resounding success. Verdict: Very good. Black coffee awful, but with milk and sugar an inexpensive liqueur coffee! Spurred on by this it wasn't long before I decide to try my final experiment... The pot noodle. Experiment IV: The Pot Noodle Well, trying to treat beer just as I would water I wandered down some 30 minutes after having my coffee and looked in the kettle... Oh not enough water... Oh well, top it up with a fresh can.. While I had one eye on the kettle doing the On/Off thing I made my choice of Pot Noodle. After much deliberation I decided on the "Bombay Bad Boy" Simply because this is a curry based pot noodle and curry and beer go so well together it might just work.. The kettle boiled and it was time for the noodle to be filled.. It looked like it wasn't congealing in the normal way, so I left it for longer than usual and eventually admitted to myself that while it was more watery than usual and stunk to high heaven, it was time to just put the hot sauce in.. Ok... Time to try it.. At first it seemed a little tart, it had a different taste, but after a while I came to the conclusion that it was.... BOLLOCKS! Verdict: Bollocks. You're fucking right! This is bollocks... In conclusion.. Man cannot live on beer alone, it may clean his teeth and make his coffee but it fucks up vitamin drinks and pot noodles royally. You may feel you can live without those things, i don't know. If you can, good luck to you but I don't know how you can call that a life... In future I'll stick to just drinking the stuff. The way it's meant to be.... Except maybe the odd coffee
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From:

djtodd
2004-11-12 03:23 pm (UTC)

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Linda. Please come home soon. Keef is acting rather oddly.

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you are a dumb fool - (Anonymous) Expand

From:

gillywoo
2004-11-12 03:24 pm (UTC)

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Well done dear. i do hope you're buying Linda a new kettle.

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keefybabe Expand

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mamfa Expand

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mamfa Expand

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gillywoo Expand

From:

englisharcher
2004-11-12 03:44 pm (UTC)

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Fantastic.

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From: coaxialhardware
2004-11-12 03:47 pm (UTC)

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Best. Post. Ever.

8-)

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(no subject) -

fraoch Expand

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fatedshadowmuse Expand

From:

djimm
2004-11-12 03:55 pm (UTC)

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Keef is hardcore. It's official.

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From:

attack_monkey
2004-11-12 04:07 pm (UTC)

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Dude, you're the fucking man.......

:p

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Man? - (Anonymous) Expand

From:

antje23
2004-11-12 04:11 pm (UTC)

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This should be published in a journal somewhere.

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From:

mofette
2004-11-12 04:13 pm (UTC)

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you are wrong.

funny

but wrong.

I still have to meet you :P

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From:

tinksdarkerside
2004-11-12 04:29 pm (UTC)

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I wonder about the next experiment.

Replacing beer with water....

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(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand

From:

nalsa
2004-11-12 04:38 pm (UTC)

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Finest Piece on Livejournal Today. *applause*

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From:

maviscruet
2004-11-12 04:48 pm (UTC)

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You strange strange man.

Well done.

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From:

sneerpout
2004-11-12 05:04 pm (UTC)

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*adds to memories*

Just in case I'm ever tempted!

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From:

gothgrr
2004-11-12 05:08 pm (UTC)

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Very funny :-)

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From:

sarah_orange
2004-11-12 05:25 pm (UTC)

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ah keefie. you are indeed a deity. (only in papua new guinea but its a start)

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From:

dreadtemujin
2004-11-12 06:14 pm (UTC)

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I can only say that the overflowing kettle has become my new desktop....

Though you should have tried showering in it, might have washed away the usual smell of piss that surrounds you.

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(no subject) -

keefybabe Expand

From:

scarletdemon
2004-11-12 07:29 pm (UTC)

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Genius! Brilliant post! :)

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From:

karliflower
2004-11-12 07:52 pm (UTC)

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I've sent this to b3ta.com, you never know...

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(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand

T'is true -

boffy_b Expand

Re: T'is true -

lordfeldo Expand

Re: T'is true -

spodlife Expand

b3ta reader... - (Anonymous) Expand

From:

enki
2004-11-12 08:41 pm (UTC)

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Very cool :) I am gald you went through with it so the rest of us never have to wonder 'what if'

Brilliant ^_^

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From:

greyeyedeve
2004-11-12 11:13 pm (UTC)

my new best- mate-i've-never-met

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I am, in fact feeling,a small but distinct inkling of warmth towards you, but that may also be the cup of tea I spilt in my lap due to laughing so hard at this post

As I have already used the 'wind beneath my wings' line I have no where else to go except to regret slightly I asked theheahterfreak to punch you in the balls as my birthday present

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From:

podman
2004-11-13 01:19 am (UTC)

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you do the experiments so i dont have too. only one question remains unanswered. Can you fry chips in beer?

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podman Expand

From:

mr_horse
2004-11-13 01:53 am (UTC)

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that was fantastic! yet i am not totally convinced by your conclusion...
it might just have been that carling was the wrong type of beer for the vitamin drink and noodles. the coffee might also have been decent if a different type of brew had been used.

... I must test this theory.

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From:

mr_horse
2004-11-13 01:56 am (UTC)

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just had an idea!
try replacing beer with cider for the vitamin drink!
i know it's not beer, but it's not water either!

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