08:45 pm: Our religion can actually be quite funny..... :)
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1) He had only one major publication.
2) It was in Hebrew.
3) It had no references.
4) It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5) Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6) It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7) His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8) The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9) He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10) When an experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11) When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12) He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13) Some say he had his son teach the class.
14) He expelled his first two students for learning.
15) Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
A man who went to church with his wife, always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "....and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!".
The minister said "That's right, that's right." and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to ".... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins....." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ". The minister said, "that's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to " .... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
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