For me, Motherhood has been a journey, not a destination

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Dec. 30th, 2005

11:57 am - Moving On Up

Yes.

I took the leap.

I am now at Typepad! The URL of my new blog is http://journeywoman.typepad.com/.

Hope to see you all there!

Current Mood: excited

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Dec. 27th, 2005

11:54 pm - And I'm tired

So Christmas happened.

Last christmas I was so sure we'd be on our way to having a kid. I thought we'd be waiting for our referral.

Nope.

We spend Christmas with my husband's family in Western PA. We were going to have a longer visit.

No. Unfortunately a friend of the family lost his battle to colon cancer, and we came home and the funeral is tomorrow.

I managed not to cry...until I got home and got my third "We just had sex and now we're pregnant!" announcement in as many days.

Then I cried.

And am still.

Some of these people will be excellent parents. Others should have to go through the same thing that I have to go through just to have a kid naturally. They should have a home study and have a social worker go through every aspect of their lives. And if they did I know they would (rightfully) turn down. I'd rather see Amy Fischer (I know, I'm dating myself) have a kid with Joey Buttafuco than this couple be allowed to breed. But you know what everyone congratulated them and said how wonderful it is.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of wishing people congratulations when they don't wish me congratulations on getting up off the mat and continuing with the adoption. I'm tired of wishing people joy when they tell me "at least I won't have to adopt."

I have a whole lot of ranting to do. But my sweet husband is telling me to come to bed. I have a funeral to go to tomorrow.

And I'm tired.

Current Mood: tired

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Dec. 18th, 2005

Dec. 6th, 2005

10:38 pm - Defying Gravity

I'm through accepting limits
because someone said they're so,
Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try I'll never know

It's odd.

I was raised in a Jewish home, with people who spoke yiddish but it took me this long to be able to use the word vklempt. It means overcome with emotions. You shone bright lights into my cave, and with your help I was able to pick myself up and start looking at other agencies.

Our new agency is CAWLI (China Adoption With Love Inc) without us paying anything, they looked into whether or not there were any CCAA regulations that would stop us. There aren't. It doesn't mean there never will be, it doesn't mean that there are any guarantees. But then there are never any guarantees, and it's right.

Now we go looking at home study agencies. Now we walk down the road that I have to believe will take us to our daughter.

But...I will not be completely at ease until we have a referral. I will not because an agency took their prejudice and judged us unfit to be parents by some arbitrary thing. I got the official rejection today, and I'm holding onto it. You see I plan to send it back to Great Wall, along with a picture of our family once we bring our daughter home. Maybe I'll be over this by the time I bring her home, I hope so, but I'm not certain.

In the clearing stands a boxer
and a fighter by his trade
and he carries the reminders
of every glove that laid him down and cut him
'till he cried out, in his anger and his shame,
"I am leaving, I am leaving!" but the fighter still remains.

Someday I will explain to my daughter how I am not a quitter.
Someday I will tell her about this and explain how sometimes you need to fight to get what you know you need.

The fighter still remains

Current Mood: determined

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Nov. 30th, 2005

06:19 pm - The sound of a dream dying

What sound does a dream make when it dies?

I had cause to find out today when the lady from Great Wall of China adoption called me.

You see they're going to have to reject our application.

Because my husband is diabetic. And because I am fat.

Now that they have the application fee, they can stop pretending like they are advocates for the families looking to adopt through them. I asked them often. I asked "but in all your literature you say how you advocate for your families". She said China got choosier. I asked if we could send a doctors note for both of us, but the lady said no. The lady told me that it was my poor health in addition to my husband's diabetes. My poor health--I take Metformin for PCOS. I realize I shouldn't have put it on the application, but there it is. My poor health. Maybe that's why I've missed only 4 days of work in two years--because I'm in such poor health. When my husband called they told him that it was due to his diabetes. Making each of us feel responsible individually.

The lady said that I should try adopting from another country if (and this is a direct quote) if I could" find a country with lower standards. " Lower stamdards, obvously because only a country that has low standards would allow a diabetic and a fat girl to be parents. Only a country with low standards would allow such low lives such as us to be parents. I think I hate her for that sentance more than anything else she said.

They claimed that it was China. I don't know if I believe that.

I don't know what I'm going to do now...

Crying...that seems to be on the agenda. For both of us. We've been taking turns breaking down into those gut wrenching sobs that I though were behind us when we started on this road to adoption from infertility.

I've sent away for other agencies.

I don't know what happens now.

Current Mood: morose

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Nov. 27th, 2005

10:15 pm - Medical violation

This question is for the women...specifically the women who had/have IF issues.

When did you start going back to a regular OB/GYN?

I haven't been in a long time, I have to go.

How did you choose one?

Thanks

Current Mood: anxious

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Nov. 22nd, 2005

08:35 pm - You want a kid? Psyche!

I can barely see the computer because I'm crying so hard.

China has been tightening restrictions. The referral time has doubled in the space of a few weeks. Someone on one of the boards said there was talk of a weight requirement. I emailed our agency which still has our application to ask about it.

From the adoption agency

We are in the process of reviewing your information still. We may need to check on some of the health information for you.

It has come to our attention within the last week that their may be stricter requirements for weight, but this is also on a case by case basis.

We will notify you as soon as we have thoroughly checked on everything for you. Thank you very much for your patience.

I am fat.
I am still healthy.
I am still able to parent a child.

But now there might be a new reason that we will not be allowed to adopt. I'm just too fat.

I can't even go into how much pain I'm in right now.

Please...no assvice. No one telling me "well, lose weight" Yeah, I didn't think of that! For the amount of money I've forked over to Weight Watchers, Atkins, and insert diet here, it doesn't help. I do get into better shape, but since I have PCOS it is very difficult.

I'm going to call the agency to ask them to define "case by case". Then I am going to find a cave and stay there for the rest of my life. I'd say I was kidding except I am not so sure I am.

Current Mood: distressed

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Nov. 15th, 2005

11:09 pm - Some Amazing People

I have amazing friends.

I came home from work and found a package from 1-800-Flowers on my door.

cyano and derekbbell sent me flowers to congratulate me for sending off our application.

I called them and left messages of thanks and then called my brother. I was telling him about it and he said "yeah, that's what you do when you find out someone is pregnant."

I really am blessed.

Current Mood: grateful

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Nov. 6th, 2005

11:04 pm - A letter to our daughter

I'll be your candle on the water,

We did it, baby. We filled out the first paper that will bring us closer to you. As soon as Daddy has his next paycheck we're sending it off to the nice people at Great Wall of China adoption.

I wonder if you've even been concieved yet. I wonder if you are growing inside another woman who I don't know but will end my life in her debt.

It's going to take some time. There are governments and things. And people have to come and ask us all sorts of questions to make sure that nobody bad could get you. And we've got to tell the government that we're good people.

It's going to take time.

I suppose I just wanted to tell you that we're coming. I also wanted to tell you that, as amazing as it sounds, we love you already. So very much.

My Soul is there, beside you, let this candle guide you...soon you'll see a golden stream of light.

Tags: letters

Current Mood: wistful

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Oct. 24th, 2005

08:21 pm - In Memory

Rosa Parks died this evening.

I was lucky enough to have met Ms. Parks. Several years ago, when I worked in children's publishing, she had a meeting with my boss's boss. I was upstairs, visiting with the assistants as I often did. We were chatting, when all of a sudden there was a hush. People peered over their cubicles and after looking, stood up. This tiny little woman with a smile that was practically bigger than she was, walked down the hall. As she did, the floor erupted in applause. She greeted one of my friends warmly, they had marched together during the civil rights era, and had attended Dr. Martin Luther King's church together. Ms. Parks asked about my friend's family by name. She signed a few autographs but most of my co-workers just wanted to talk to her, to tell her that her sacrifices were appreciated.

As for me, I stood in the back and watched...awestruck. I hoped to be that alert when I reached that age.

I imagine when she died that her guardian angel welcomed her warmly.

"Welcome to Heaven. Take any seat in the house."

Current Mood: reverent

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Oct. 19th, 2005

09:46 pm - Meme

Okay, This one is kinda cool.

3 scenes in movies that make you cry. (or if you don't cry at movies...scenes that give you chills)

1) When E.T. dies. I am bawling my flipping eyes out.

2) In It's a Wonderful Life George's deseperate prayer on the bridge "I want to live again.", and then his return home. Christmas Isn't Christmas unless I've been sobbing over that movie.

3) Apollo 13 When it takes them a while to come out from radio silence. Every time.

How about you?

Tags: meme

Current Mood: touched

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Oct. 16th, 2005

09:24 pm - I'm curious

Does anyone have any idea how to start a new political party?

I really think that there is a majority of people who is not being served by either the republicans or the democrats.

I think that if enough of them sought office, congress would have to listen to them. If enough of them sought office...some of them would win. If some of them won, then maybe there would be a real opposition party in congress. Instead of the democrats who seem to bend over when asked, and republicans who are corrupt and so indebted to the religious right that they seem to think that separation of church and state is only for churches that they don't belong to.

The IF blogosphere has had a huge part in defeating two pieces of legislation before they even came to a vote. I think that there may be something if we joined together and showed the men in congress, that there are women who won't lie back and take it when she's being raped politically.

I have a cold and a stuffy head, today. But maybe, just maybe, it's a good idea. I'm tired of watching this country that I love go down the toilet like so much shit.

So, Anyone know the logistics of beginning a new political party?

Current Mood: curious

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Oct. 11th, 2005

11:00 pm - Faith and Forgiveness

It seems odd, writing about Faith the day before the holiest day of the year. And yet, it seems right too.

( Infertility and Faith )

( Faith in other people )
This year I'm working on my faith. I'm working on believing the good in people and trying to belive that things can turn out right. I'm not going to let my relationship with Gd be diminished by all those people who claim to know him, have him on their side, and hate every one of his creations. I don't know what form it will take. Maybe mediation, reading books, or just going back to services. I will become an active participant in my relationship with Gd.

To all I wish a happy, healthy, new year filled with all the joys it can bring.

Tags: faith

Current Mood: indescribable

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Sep. 25th, 2005

09:35 pm - We're not all like that--Really

In case you didn't know it, Infertility is now THE hot topic.

From the new NBC Friday night Drama Inconcievable to the season opener of Cold Case Files everyone seems to be talking about people who can't concieve.

Unfortunately they are getting it all WRONG.

If you're going to show infertility let's show the truth, shall we?

Let's show a woman getting into a pointless fight with her husband that she loves so much because maybe, just maybe, he'll get mad enough to leave her. It isn't fair that he has to suffer...it isn't fair that his lovely [insert desirable attribute here] isn't going to go on.

Let's show a pregnant woman at a baby shower wondering where her best friend is.
CUT TO
The best friend, with another negative pregnancy test in her hand in a ball on the floor with her keys in her hand sobbing because her heart has broken again. Close on the friend's face looking at the clock, knowing that the shower is going on and not being able to stop crying long enough to find her car keys. Show a woman doubled over in grief...

Why not show a couple debating on whether or not they can afford the IVF. Let's show the woman going into work with all the pregnant co-workers. Let's show the man being asked "How long have you been married? No kids yet?"

Now I'm sure that the people in Hollywood are saying, "But we're doing this to open a dialogue. We're doing this so people pay attention to your problem."

There is a difference between attention and lip-service.

Attention would be showing a couple finding new hope in adoption, and not making the couple, or the child, or the birth mother out to be any more than people who found a silver thread of good in a snarl of wrong turns.

Attention would be showing foster-to-adoption as the miracle that it can be a la Cubbiegirl instead of showing all the woes.

Attention would be starting a national dialogue on health insurance when it is NOT an election year. And I want a bunch of congressmen to explain to a panel of women on national television why health care must cover Viagra for men but NOTHING for women trying to concieve. Even in cases where pregnancy is the best medical option for the woman (ie Endometriosis)

Attention would be asking the major corporations why paid maternity leave for adoptive mothers Does Not Exist?

Until you portray women trying to concieve as Black, White, Jewish, Christian, Arabic, Asian, --basically as everyone. Until you portray women trying to concieve as women who have senses of humor, women who have good days, bad days, a lot of class and more strength than any fifteen TV executives, you are not helping, you are making a bad situation worse.

You are making it easier for our friends to marginalize us. You are making it easier for the world to marginalize us. And I for one, am tired of being shoved to the sidelines because my pain isn't sexy enough!

We are just like women who have children at the drop of their lover's underwear. We are just like you.

Tags: rant

Current Mood: enraged

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Sep. 4th, 2005

10:16 pm - Where is the Christianity?

Gotten from RealLivePreacher

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:34-40

I am a Jewish woman. Many of my friends are Christian. I am fortunate that they are Christian in the real sense of the word. They try to live their lives according to the teachings of Christ.

The president of this country, and the leaders of this country claim to be Christians. They believe that the bible should be followed exactly--except when it might apply to them.

George Bush flew back to Washington to intefere in the death of a white woman. However he wasted days playing while his black countrymen drowned.

He flew over. He got a photo op--he didn't even try to bring them supplies. They are short of helicopters...the mayor of New Orleans himself went on rescue missions, and threw supplies from his helicopter but the President of the United States didn't bother.

Do I blame Bush for the hurricane? No. Of course not.
Do I blame him for the federal government's response to the hurricane? HELL YES.

He put a crony in charge of FEMA. A crony who had NO EXPERIENCE with handling Federal disasters. There is a catch-22 that says you need a job to get experience and experience to get a job. This is what entry -level jobs are for. The head of FEMA is not an entry-level job. This incompetince cost lives.

If these people had been white. If the hurricane had struck the Hamptons in NY where the victims were wealthy and white, the Federal government would have done something more.

Why did it take so long? Was it the Christian thing to do?

Current Mood: angry

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Sep. 2nd, 2005

08:23 am - Staying the Course

I have no words. I am reading and watching all of these things about the aftermath of Katrina and words fail me.

I looked into driving down to Baton Rouge just so I knew that I was doing SOMETHING, but it is too far, and like Cecily said, there isn't a National Emergency Leave Act...

When I thought that our government has sunk as low as they can go, they find the door to the basement. It can't escape everyone's attention that the vast majority of the people who the government has ignored are poor and black. It is ethnic cleansing, plain and simple.

There is a vast array of excuses out of the Federal Government. All of which make me sick.

"People are firing at us!"
Really? Does no one fire at the army in Iraq? We're still there dropping aid. Why the hell can't...no, WON'T we do it for our own countrymen and women? [Aside here: I am not in any way shape or form condoning the people who fired guns, I just don't think that it should have cut the rescue efforts by a day.]

"It's lawless!"
See my first point about Iraq.

"The squalor is terrible..."
So, go in and fix it!!!! And by the by, if you had evacuated correctly the first time, you know...not setting up the superdome and the convention centers as the places to go and maybe, I don't know, do something so that people without cars could get out it wouldn't have been so terrible because people wouldn't be living like animals.

"They're looting"
My husband is insulin dependant diabetic. If, because of government oversight, he ran out of insulin and no one helped us get more I would be bashing down any window I had to to get him insulin. I don't care if there are men with loaded guns on the other side. All these people, our countrymen, have left are their family and they ARE NOT going to let them go gently into that good night. People grabbing TV's...I have no idea about...

They need food and water and not more people with guns. If you are worried about people getting violent from lack of help why on earth are you sending people with guns saying that they are locked and loaded.

If I could ask this administration anything I would ask how they would treat tens of thousands of white people who did as they were told, lost their homes, and were forgotten about. Unfortunately I know the answer would be that they would be doing more than they are doing now.

Current Mood: enraged

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Aug. 25th, 2005

10:07 pm - Roads I never traveled

It's really been a while.

Sorry. I was huddled in a ball...reading other people's journals. Stunned that Chez Miscarriage has closed her doors--albiet for an amazing reason. Marveling at the strength of Uterine Wars and Cubbiegirl, and hoping things work out really damn soon forHeidi I think I needed to concentrate on people who weren't me. I'm back now...will be blogging much more faithfully.
* * *

For those who have never heard of her, Dar Williams is an amazing songwriter. She has a song called "You're Aging Well". While I don't know all the lyrics by heart (well, especially since her diction isn't the world's greatest) there's a line there that says "The Road to Enchantment was not mine to take"

This whole IF thing is like that. We're shooting for November. November to start things up. November to begin the paperwork to become parents. I'm just so worried...so worried that something else is going to come up and stop this. We've been here before. February 2005 we were going to start....money problems. Okay July....D lost his job. Okay September...we're still recovering from D losing his job. November. What's going to happen now?

I want to hold a child in my arms and sing "Baby Mine." (Although I have sung to my nieces and the friends of my children I have never sung that song...I have been waiting for my own baby to sing it.) I know that my daughter will be screaming her head off...but hey...that's what lullying is for.

And yet I am mourning the child of my husband and my body. I am mourning my own faith...and the fact that it is so thin right now...so thin.

Well at least one of us is...I need to return to weight watchers and stay with it this time.

I need something more to happen...I need to make something happen.

Tags: where do i go from here

Current Mood: discontent

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Jul. 26th, 2005

08:46 am - Randomness

Geez, I go away and the the Killer Ladybug Board Explodes, and Gefilte arrives.

On that subject, due to Danae's second post I am praying. Unfortunately my prayers are beginning with "Gd,don't you fucking do this, don't you FUCKING DO THIS!"

This is a long cry from the only way I would speak to Gd as a child/teen/young adult. Lots of Thous and stuff. I believed that there was a huge distance between me and Gd. I mean there still is, but now, I don't really obey the respecting stuff.

More later when I have other thoughts.

Current Mood: indescribable

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Jul. 13th, 2005

09:45 pm - If you prick us, do we not bleed?

I watched a bit of Brat Camp on ABC. I won't be watching anymore of it ever.

It's a reality show about teenagers who are so incorrigible their parents send them to boot camp to straighten them out. While I have a fascination of these kinds of things. What would make me send my kid to this kind of boot camp? What do they do at this place so I can implement it to make sending my kid there unnecessary etc.?

Anyway they had this thing where the parents send what was called an "impact letter" to their kids telling them what they did wrong. They showed the parents and a caption underneath said "Brian (or whoever, I don't remember the name)'s mom" . Then they showed another woman and the caption said "Lisa's Adoptive Mom". Why I'm never watching this show again.

In the middle of all this waiting, I'm confronting my own demons about adoption. The fact that the rest of the world will not see me as anything more than a stand-in for better parents. Adopting from China will make this more than obvious. I will be responsible for this child, for molding her and fanning the flame of her interests. Yet to the rest of the world I am little more than her babysitter.

I see it sometimes in the way people act towards D (who is adopted). He was 5 days old, and yet when people find out he was adopted they always ask. Hell Iasked. "Have you ever looked for your birth parents?" One time a doctor encouraged him to begin a search to find out the medical history. (needless to say we never returned to that doctor.) I don't want them to act that way towards my daughter.

There are times that I get furious at the things that I know I am supposed to do. At the things I must do.

I don't want to say nice things about my daughter's birth mother. I know it makes me a horrible person, but I am an infertile white woman. I cannot understand why someone would abandon a child just because she was a girl. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. Moreover I don't want to speak with respect about a woman who left her child to die! I don't want to speak with respect of a woman who left my child to die!

Yes, hopefully my daughter will have been found in a marketplace or a busy intersection. But what will I tell her if she was found "by a river" which really means "in the river"? What then? How do I look into the almond eyes that I already love and tell her that the woman who carried her in her body put her in the river just because she was born female?

I'm a writer and a storyteller. I want nothing more than to invent a beautiful story about how her birth mommy wanted her very much and so forth and so on. I can make a story that she will believe and I want to do it. But I won't do it. I will not let myself weave a dream about her birth only to be truly crushed when she dismisses my story for the smoke and mirrors that it is.

I'm so scared. I'm so scared that I won't be a good mother, that I won't be able to do the hard adoption-related stuff. Then I get so furiously angry and jealous at the women who have carried their child in their bodies that don't appreciate it for the gift that it is. Or worse, some of them who think that it is their right to have as many kids as they can and then they don't discipline them or teach them to be responsible--instead deciding it's the school's job, and they get sent to my husband.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm jealous that my child's birth mother was able to give birth to my daughter--and I wasn't.

Tags: rant

Current Mood: angry

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Jul. 10th, 2005

06:30 am - Belief

So it happened.
D got a job starting end of August. It's paying more than his older job did.
While he'll have about an hour commute every day, it still is a good thing.

So here we are at the beginning of two crossed roads. There are paths up ahead where they intersect, so I'm not just doing one (sorry Mr. Frost).

I haven't called a doctor or anyone. But, when I get back to work on Monday, I plan to. We'll see what happens then.

Right now my stupid period is here. I'm cramped and shit.

I wish I could look at the new things as positive. I mean I do, but something happened to me. I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe that "things will all work out for the best." I don't believe that sometimes shit just happens.

I'm tired, cramped and all that stuff. But it is a pretty day outside and we're going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Current Mood: drained

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