So now that I`m in Japan, I`m transferring my LiveJournal to username "JamesInJapan." This LJ will be primarily for the folks back home, so I`m gonna be keeping it fairly family-friendly. If you want funny stories, involving profanity and whatnot, check out "FatJamesInJapan."

I`m not sure at this point whether or not I`ll continue writing in this particular LJ. Really, it depends on whether or not I can get internet in my apartment. I know for a fact that there`s at least one wireless connection in/near my apartment building, but the user put a password on it. But I did see a DSL box outside in the stairwell, so maybe I`ll get that. It`s relatively cheap, compared to home.

So that`s all for now. Check out the new writings, and I'll see you all around.

Look me up at username jamesinjapan. That is all for now.

Date:	2005-07-19 14:46
Subject:	Just a note
Security:	Public
Mood:	hot

An open letter to whoever is in charge of the weather in Lexington, Ky.

Dear Sir/Madam;

The recent weather in Lexington, KY has been, for lack of a better word, bullshit. It is over 90 degrees outside, yet the humidity is so much that walking has been replaced with swimming. My poor AC unit has been running at full capacity for the last couple of weeks, trying desperately to keep my apartment under 85.

A key issue in resolving this problem would be the immediate cessation of these bullshit 5 minute popcorn deluges that seem to appear between 3 and 6 pm, the hottest part of the day. If rain is needed, then please just give us a long, cooling afternoon of rain, the affects of whose humidity will be mostly felt at night, or the following morning. I fail to see the point in breaking a sweat by the mere act of opening a door.

Your prompt attention would be greatly appreciated,

James.

Date:	2005-06-26 23:37
Subject:	Why Aren't You Watching Land of the Dead?
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Various Anna Nalick

Because it’s easier than getting stuff ready to go to Japan, I’m writing.

If you haven’t seen Land of the Dead yet, go see it right now. George Romero, after a 20 year hiatus, has done it again. And while it may seem a sacrilege to say so, if it takes him 20 more years to turn out something just as brilliant, I’ll be standing in line when I’m 45. The Dream Team of Romero and Savini have teamed up once again, and by combining Romero’s incredible filmmaking style, Savini’s signature gore-brilliance, and the modern day use of CG effects, they’ve brought us a true masterpiece for the ages. But this isn’t quite the point I want to speak about today. Rather, I’d like to focus on the underlying message contained in all of Romero’s “Dead” films – a beautiful message of civil rights and equality.

As we all know, zombies are the great equalizer. We’re all the same inside, and zombies know this, because their un-lives consist mainly of tearing us apart.



In a Hollywood where Americans of African descent serve mainly as fodder in horror films, Mr. Romero brought us a protagonist of color in 1968, with Night of the Living Dead. Ben, an everyman in any and all senses of the word, presents us with the only clear-thinking and level-headed character in the entire film. Romero even goes as far as letting (in 1968, mind you) Ben shoot a white man and slap a white woman. Absolutely unheard of at that point. But then again, so were zombies.



We jump to 1978, 10 years later. The height of the Blaxploitation genre (although I contend that Ben was the original “Baaaaaaaad motha”). America is coming down from the civil rights movements and Viet Nam war protests. The Baby Boomers are starting their own careers and accumulating some wealth. Romero gives us what is definitely the best film in the “Dead” series, and possibly the greatest of the genre, Dawn of the Dead, a film that shows how protection can quickly turn into a prison. The remake, while good in its own right, still can’t hold a candle to the psychological, Sartre-esque terror of the original. And, of course, as the white people lose it, who steps up and takes a leadership role? Peter. Strong black man.



1985. Day of the Dead. A despairing vision of the future where, after the initial shock of zombification wears down, the remaining humans fight amongst themselves as to the proper way to fight the menace – intelligence vs. brute strength. Again, the only one who seems to be able to rise above the bullshit and realize that the problem is bigger than the problems that the living dealt wit before is John. Of course, marijuana and alcohol help to this end, but whatever works. The point is, John is the only character who realizes that the situation has fully qualified for “fucked” status, and is the only one who can fly the helicopter. He’s the only means of escape. Their only hope. Is anyone else thinking “Christ-figure?”



And here we have “Big Daddy,” the lead in Land of the Dead. Black man. But here’s where Romero’s fucking brilliance shines through. Big Daddy is the leader of the ZOMBIES! That’s right. He’s the first zombie to show signs of learning. You’ll notice the gun strapped to his back? Yeah, he figures out how it works, what it can do, and even teaches other zombies to use firearms. By contrast, Bud, the zombie from Day of the Dead, has to be taught over a period of weeks how to perform even the simplest of tasks, let alone handle a gun. Take that, white supremacists. They WILL have your gun when they can pry it from your cold, dead fingers.

Big Daddy also provides us with zombie communication that operates outside the usual grunts of “food” and “eat.” Dare we say that he speaks the first words of a zombie language? Time will tell.

(On another note, in a time when eating disorders and unhealthy poundage are key issues in the news, Romero has the balls to place a hot Italian chick in a lead role. Kudos to him.)

In what is perhaps his boldest move ever, Romero forces the viewer to accept the unthinkable. In a society where the undead are the majority and the living are confined to self-designed prison cities, who is truly in charge? As Americans, we like to think that we live in a society where the majority decides what is best. But what if, suddenly, the majority changed? How would we deal with that? Would we be willing to turn everything over, as we expect those in minority groups to do nowadays? And in a primarily anglo-european country, the undead are led by a man who, less than a century ago, would have been, under the letter of the law, a second class citizen. Does anyone else see any parallel to the issue of immigration from Hispanic countries? This is progress. Evolution. Change. Empires rise and fall. You may say that God blesses America. Well, by that standard, God has also blessed Greece, Rome, Germany, England, Japan, Spain, the Zulus, and pretty much every other group in Earth’s history.

Land of the Dead is a lesson in civil rights, history, tolerance, and the future. Plus, it’s got this sweet scene of a zombie totally pulling this one dude’s guts out through his mouth, and another scene of a zombie performing the Sub-Zero fatality from Mortal Kombat. This movie is tighter than a 12 years-old boy. Go see it.

Date:	2005-06-15 17:11
Subject:	Sick of this shit
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry
Music:	The Simpsons

Ok, you people are about to turn me Libertarian.

Lexington has got to be the most accident-prone city on earth, and the Lexingtonians contained therein must be borderline retarded. I really feel for the drivers of emergency response vehicles, because you folks are running them all over town. Now don't go thinking I actually care about anyone other than myself. But when there are sirens going past my window all damn day while I'm at work, and all damned night while I'm trying to sleep, it really pisses me off. Especially when you consider that most of these sirens are going to help old people who fall, hit things, get too hot, too cold, or just get lonely. And take into account the fact that old people are pretty much useless in general, it just doesn't seem worth the effort. Or my aggravation.

And what's with all the damned blessing? Everyone at work tries to bless everyone else as much as humanly (or godly) possible. Every time someone sneezes, someone else pipes up with a "Bless you." What's the fucking point? I heard that it started with some superstition about the soul trying to leave the body or something, and the blessing was supposed to drive it back in or some stupid shit. Didn't someone along the way notice the suspicious lack of zombies amongst the unblessed population following cold and flu season? It's an involuntary reflex, and there's no reason to try and bless them. It's stupid, and it gets on my nerves. After I sneeze, I don't want to be blessed by some superstitious idiot. Just shut up, let me sanitize my hands, and get back to work.

In the same note, stop saying "Bless his/her heart." That's another thing. It's especially stupid when what you really mean to say is "I fucking hate that dumbfuck and I want to see them in hell." I don't know if it's an old mother thing (I work with a lot of them, and I've learned that they're the most superstitious (and paranoid) people on earth) but they'll sit there and complain about someone for 5 minutes, then end it with a "bless their little heart." Bless my fucking brain, it hurts to hear you say that. Just fucking admit to yourself that you MIGHT NOT LIKE SOMEONE, and stop trying to put up a show. Saying "bless their heart" isn't going to negate every negative thing you just said about the person. It's not what you say, it's the spirit in which it's said. People see right through it, and don't appreciate the falseness.

Date:	2005-05-21 18:19
Subject:	Almost.
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved
Music:	The Scorpions - Rock You Like a Hurricane

It's almost over. I just wish I could trick myself into believing that. Guess how many times I haven't seen it so far.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/04/14/prescription.bill/index.html

Ok, anyone notice the quote by Karen Bauer? I’ve thought for about an hour or so about what I could possibly say about that. I am at a total loss. So here are some MS Paint pictures that might help illustrate her line of thought.


Step One:


Step Two:


Step Three:


That's what happens when you people blow my mind. If you want words, check out
http://garrettsparks.blogspot.com/2005/04/medpol-congress-to-consider-birth.html
for lively conversation, debate, and strong drinks.

Date:	2005-04-06 23:29
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Jay-Z - 99 Problems

Holy shit, I’m actually writing.

Not really much to write about, just a couple of things in the news. The Pope died. That was pretty big news. I’m not really gonna get too much into that, since nothing he did or said really affected me at all. All I want to know is, why the hell aren’t we sending troops into the Vatican to ensure a free and democratic election? We’ve already set a precedent. Maybe we should just take it over. I really can’t think of anything more dick-ish, and when I hit a wall, I just try to climb over. I just hope that Bush doesn’t fuck up a speech or something, and say something to the effect of “A great man has passed. These are sad days for Jews all over the world.”

This second part might be too little, too late, but I’m trying to help you people out. So quit bitching. This Terri Schiavo thing has seriously gotten out of hand. What should have been a private, family matter, decided years ago, became the cause du jour for the common person. On one side, you had the liberal whiners complaining about the quality of life of someone in a coma, and on the other hand you had the “I-know-what’s-best-for-you” conservatives, bitching about right-to-life issues. What I find hilarious about the whole thing is the complete and total role reversal. While liberals (who are usually for more governmental presence in day-to-day life) complained about governmental interference in the case, conservatives (who, by and large, oppose large government) were begging the government to step in. Again, it should have been a private matter, like it is with every other case like this, and like it was when DeLay pulled the plug on his father years ago.

Here’s my proposition to solve this issue. People are probably still gonna be pissed off about it for another 15 minutes, so I propose that Governor Bush just sign a posthumous execution warrant. Like, for extreme theft. Think about it – how many dollars went in to keeping her alive? And for how long? Probably about a billion or so. And what do we have to show for it? Zero output. Absolutely no return on the investment. That much money doesn’t go into improving entire communities. Get to work, woman.

There. The liberal side is happy because they got what they wanted. And the conservatives are happy because the now-famous death is validated in their minds. I mean, getting between a conservative and their money? I’d rather get between a mother grizzly and her cub. All of a sudden, death would be too good for her. Problem solved.

Date:	2005-01-20 00:58
Subject:	This thing still works?
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	Jimmy Buffett - Last Mango in Paris

Since I can’t seem to focus long enough to write a full entry (thanks to multiple gifts of video games this holiday season), I’ve decided to just write a few blurbs of ideas I’ve had over the past month and a half. If nothing else, to keep this journal active. Because you people need it.

2004 new in review
Steroids – As far as politicians go, I like John McCain. But I had to seriously disagree with him towards the end of last year when he came out in favor of Congressional intervention in the issue of steroids in professional sports. Who gives a shit? I say we not only make steroid use legal, but actively encourage it. As a society with an ever-decreasing attention span, that which used to seem superhuman has become mundane. Steroid use among athletes would create super-athletes, super-athletes capable of acts of physical prowess that would give a new definition to the phrase “mind-blowing.” Since professional sports exist as entertainment, I think the owners would agree with me. And as far as steroid use going up amongst youth, I have a more effective plan that would also cost a great deal less in taxes than Congressional intervention in the various professional sports. Basically, base a campaign on two simple factoids:

“Guys, steroids make your dick small. Ladies, steroids make you look like guys.”
“But I’ll get buff and…”
“A small dick. Or a new dick.”

There. I just solved it. Now just make a few commercials out of that, slap it in a few magazines and health textbooks, and let the kids make their own choices. Deep down, no man wants a smaller dick. Of course, there’s always the possibility that the pros would kick the habit if we could get them interested in sports or something.

Donald Rumsfeld – Wow. No matter what your feelings are towards this man, no matter your political views, everything you thought about this man has been thrown out the window. The only thing I’ll say is this. The man stood in front of a large crowd of battle-hardened soldiers, soldiers that were sent to war based on faulty intelligence, said to them “Deal with it.”, and left the war zone for the safety of America. Damn. I mean, damn. Say what you want about him, but he must have the biggest balls on earth.

The Tsunami – Death toll: 200,000 dead, 6 white.

That’s pretty much all the news I read. But I would like to address this one aspect of TV.

The Apprentice – We’re losing jobs to third-world countries that are educating their engineers in American colleges. Finding jobs here in the US is already difficult enough. So what do we do? We take a show about a rich asshole who fires other rich assholes for failing to carry out his insane whims, and make it a number-one phenomenon. Additionally, I wouldn’t want to work for a man who can’t even keep a casino’s ledgers in the black. A casino is more or less like a bank, except that there are no withdrawals.

I might post again. Like I said, I got some new video games.

Date:	2004-11-29 00:44
Subject:	What should I expect? They're from California.
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	Styx - I'm Sailing Away

Ah, almost a month after my last entry. I’ve been filling out the JET Programme application, but now that that’s been sent off (and hopefully received), I can get back to what I do best. Telling you people what’s what.

So having a job is really good, in the sense that I get to read the paper about 20 times a day. Lately I’ve been seeing some blurbs about different California groups who are lobbying to amend the Constitution so that foreign-born American citizens can run for President. I don’t think that that is such a bad idea, but their motivation is. Basically, most of the more prominent groups are pressing the issue so that Arnold can run.

That has to be the stupidest thing I’ve heard this week. Do these people honestly think that an actor would be our nation’s saving grace? I suppose that many people thought that when they voted for Reagan. But I’m not going to get into that issue, since I don’t know much about his politics. Sorry, I wasn’t all that politically active before the age of 10.

This issue pisses me off for a variety of reasons, the greatest of them being the motivation of these people. I mean, I would be in favor of changing it so that people who have lived in the USA for 35 years would be eligible, since technically the entire chain of succession would otherwise have to be native-born. However, these people most likely were totally against amending the Constitution in such a way up until a “good republican” like Arnold threw his hat into the political arena. Do these people actually think that bringing in someone without much political knowledge is gonna save this country from whatever peril it happens to be in this week? And would they have the same passion for the issue if, say, Martin Sheen were running for President? The only big thing I’ve heard that Arnold’s done in the past year as Governor was when sex with corpses was finally made illegal.

My dad actually thinks that this is an excellent idea. The changing of the Constitution, not sex with corpses. According to him (and he actually is a pretty good singular representation of the south’s voters), “what Washington needs is someone who doesn’t understand their politics”. Awful. As much as it hurts to say, wheeling and dealing is a part of politics. And when it comes to politics, I’d prefer to have a politician in charge, rather than a politically-involved actor. You know, just a crazy idea I had that involves electing people familiar with the process rather than just a pretty face with a couple of interesting ideas that don’t stand much of a chance of going anywhere.

Think about it. Say you were unhappy with…
Your doctor? If your kid was sick, would you try another doctor, or a celebrity?
Your mechanic? If your car broke down, which would it be? Another mechanic, or a celebrity?

And isn’t the Presidency of the United States a greater issue than any of those? Apparently not.

Even though this picture has nothing to do with anything so far, I thought I’d include this picture because it’s a good segue to my next point.



I’m not posting this to say anything about the Arnold sex scandals, as they have nothing to do with my views on the above issue. But it does have nudity, and that’s cool.

Actually, the next thing I wanted to talk about was censorship. Nothing too big, just wanted to bring up a point. On Veteran’s Day this year, several ABC affiliates refused to air “Saving Private Ryan” not because of the graphic violence contained therein, but rather because the characters say “fuck” about a dozen times. Personally, I’m getting a little tired of all this censorship stuff. Especially since the people in charge blame our societal problems not on the violence that is commonplace on American TV all the damn time, but rather on the sexual content and profanity. Let’s look at some numbers I just made up.

Roughly 95% of the American public has, has had, or will have, sex.
Of that 95%, a very high percentage will enjoy it.
Of all Americans, roughly 100% have uttered a profanity.
Nowhere near as many will experience war first-hand.

Just a thought I had.

Date:	2004-11-03 01:44
Subject:	I Have Electile Dysfunktion
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Talking to John

So it's technically the day after the election , but I figured I'd go ahead and post a guide on how to vote anyway. The basic premise here is that I've thought of various results of your vote, based on campaign commercials, political pundits, and other assorted sources with no credibility. I'll state the "if" part of the statement, followed by several "then" conclusions. It's like a "Choose your own damn adventure," except that nobody wins.

If you vote for John Kerry, then...

then straight marriage will be outlawed.
abortion will be mandatory to create a stem-cell surplus.
gay people will be encouraged to have sex in public.
the Bible will be outlawed.
your vote corresponded with Jesus'.

If you vote for George W. Bush, then...

you will be drafted to invade other countries, including, but not limited to, Canada.
Dick Cheney will eventually own your soul.
billionaires will actually take over the IRS.
the Constitution will be repealed in its entirety, and replaced with the Book of Deuteronomy.
your vote corresponded with Jesus'.


Bear in mind that at the writing of this entry, I know absolutely nothing concerning the election results. I took a nap this afternoon until about midnight. The only thing I do know is that the proposed amendment to the Kentucky Constitution is currently enjoying upwards of 75% support. I'd just like to take this opportunity to personally thank everyone who voted yes on that for their amazing demonstration of electoral douchery.


This is a picture of a douche, with "YOU" written on it. A picture is worth a thousand words, so basically this picture says "You are a fucking douche" 200 times.

What are you morons afraid of? Are you really that offended by the thought of two men holding hands in public? If you are, then seriously, get a fucking life. Have another worry. Grow the fuck up. Congratulations, you've brought us one step closer to living in a theocracy. If you dipshits want religion to rule this country so damned much, you've convinced me to vote Muslim.

This even goes beyond issues of the separation of church and state. This amendment is just pure fucking discrimination. That's all it boils down to. If people wanted to defend the "sanctity of marriage" so much, they'd outlaw shotgun wedding chapels. The ballot today may as well have said "Are you homophobic?" Even if you are, why do you care about gay marriage? It's just a ploy to get peoples minds off of other issues. "Yeah, we're in quite a mess with the economy and the war and everything else, but at least gay people can't visit each other in hospitals. Surely things will start to improve now." Morons. Sanctity of marriage my ass. What's so sacred about spouse abuse, or neglecting child support payments, or child abuse itself? I honestly can't stand people who think like this. What fucking douches.

Date:	2004-10-12 22:06
Subject:	So Cool. Literally.
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic
Music:	The Daily Show

I'd like to ask you all to think back to your childhoods, to think back to all the various toys you had. Be it My Little Pony, G.I. Joe, Ninja Turtles, He-Man, She-Ra, Care Bears, whatever. Now, pick out one of those toys as the most awesome. Got it in your head? Are you thinking of the coolest toy ever?

Wrong.

THIS is the coolest toy ever.


*This image was not stolen. It was comandeered. Nautical term

Seriously, did any of you have one of these? They kicked so much ass. I had one growing up, and my grandparents had them at their houses. So, no matter where I was that summer, delicious Snoopy Sno-Cones were only a few hours of manual labor away. If you had one, you know what I'm talking about. It took all your pre-pubescent weight to push Snoopy's head down hard enough to get a good ice-grater connection, and then you had to crank that handle like a mother. And by the time the last of the ice was grated, the first of the ice was water. It was one of the few times, as a child, I felt comfortable asking a grown-up for help. Now you see, that's a good thing. This thing taught us, as impressionable youngsters, that cooperation is vital. Cause if we can't make a simple Sno-Cone by ourselves, what hope is there for civilization if we don't work together?

And the red plastic shovel. That was possibly the most useless tool in the set. Everyone I know just used a spoon. Yet for some reason if you ever see one of these for sale, that shovel is no doubt in near-mint condition. But for some reason, nobody could ever hold onto the Woodstock syrup bottle. Even in this picture I found on the internet, I'm noticing a severe lack of Woodstockage. I can't even remember what I used to flavor the sno-cones. Kool-aid, I think. I wish I had figured out to freeze Kool-Aid into ice cubes, then make the sno-cones out of those. That would have been brilliant. Any kid who figured that out on their own should be working at NASA now. On space-age sno-cone technology.

I need to hunt one of these down. I may actually be strong enough now to work it. And with my ability to buy alcohol, a whole new realm of possibilty has been opened.

These things ruled.

Old skool.

Date:	2004-09-29 20:00
Subject:	Get It Right
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	Family Guy

I know I just wrote a few days ago, and I make it a rule for myself to not write more than once a week, but I saw something that just pushed me over the edge in regards to the amount of bullshit I can put up with.

I was watching an interview with a Bush aide earlier tonight, and, as so happens, the war in Iraq came up. When asked to defend the Bush cabinet stance supporting the war, the aide referenced the "9-1-1 Commission Report." Not the "9-11 Commission Report", but rather the "9-1-1 Commission Report." I've heard President Bush say the exact same thing. 9-1-1. Shit. Honestly, if you're going to make a national disaster like the 9-11 attacks the "cause" for everything you've done as President, and actively use its aftermath to demonstrate your leadership ability, the least you can do is refer to it correctly. I'm not typing this on 9-2-9. Today is 9-29. So what would be the ordinal of 9-1-1? 9-first-first?

And what's more, apparently the other people in the cabinet are doing it as well. Like I said, the aide said it during the interview, and I've heard that Rumsfeld said it, but since I haven't heard it for myself, I can't vouch for it. But it wouldn't surprise me.

I don't know if I'm being overdramatic or something, but if, as President, you're going to stress 9-11 so much, the least you can do is to say it correctly. I think that if you're going to build so much on the memory of the attacks, like an entire administration, you really do owe it to the memories of the dead to pronounce the date correctly. I consider calling it 9-1-1, not once, but repeatedly, and then the entire cabinet saying it instead of correcting yourself, is nothing less than an insult.

Date:	2004-09-25 17:40
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	grumpy
Music:	The Fan.

Old people piss me off. Well, actually all people piss me off. But lately, it's been old people in particular. I still want to be a crotchity old person, but I don't want to deal with them until then.

Why do old people even come to libraries? They can't see shit anymore, so it only stands to reason that they can't read. I think they just come so that they can bitch at someone who, in effect, their tax dollars are paying. Well, you know what, grandpa? My tax dollars pay me too. I'm paying my own flippin' salary. If that ain't the bottom, you dig for a while. I don't want to hear your geriatric bullshit.

I don't want to listen to you bitch about the new computer system we installed. However much it pisses you off, it pisses me off infinitely more. We're still working the bugs out, and it's gonna take time. That's what we in the modern world call "progress." Back in your day, you called it "electricity" or "plumbing." The last thing I need is a lecture about the good ole' days, when things were nice and simple. I know that I'd like to return to the days of polio, the Great Depression, World War II, and irish orphans. Next time, I should just take away all those pills that are keeping you alive, since they're "new" and "magical" and "witchcraft."

Who lets these people out the nursing home? That's where they're supposed to be. Why else would God have given us the ability to make names like "Retirement Acres" or "Crotchity Villa" or "Shit, When Did I Get So Old Estates"? When I get old, I'm gonna force my kin to put me in a home, and I'm gonna spend the entire time out on the porch, high as a kite on whatever the painkiller du jour is, and yelling at passersby in shouts that will sound like a poorly constructed MadLib. Retirement is gonna rule.

Another thing they consistently do that pisses me off- they hand me their library card upside down. And ALL of them do this. I don't know if this is some AARP-mandated conspiracy, but there has to be some cohesion amongst these people. And they drop it on the counter, where I can't get any of my meticulously trimmed nails under the card to pick it up, which is a general pain in the ass and a waste of perfectly good time that would better be spent on Fark. You wouldn't hand your social security check to wherever you cash it (when they do it at the library, I just keep the money and tell them to get out before I break their hip). Maybe if I went upside a couple of heads, that would solve the problem.

Last point. This isn't directed at old people, but at everyone in general. When you're standing in front of the big ass sign that says "Book Drop," which sits above a slot that would accommodate most any library material, don't ask me "Where do I put these books that I want to return?" I honestly don't know how I deal with such morons. Are you people blind, illiterate, or just good old fashioned retarded? At least some of the morons are douchebaggy enough to drop their stuff anywhere and run off. I mean, it still pisses me off, but I really enjoy the thrill of the hunt.

Soylent Green.

Date:	2004-09-08 00:33
Subject:	Feelin' Emo
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative
Music:	SeaLab 2021

I've noticed that even after a year of maintaining a LiveJournal, I've yet to complete one of the apparent requisites, the Emo Entry. I don't really know how to write one, since I'm not exactly what one would call "emo." But I don't think that matters. So, in looking over other LiveJournals, I think I found a "pattern" for emo entries. I'll try to follow it as closely as possible.

First, you have to start with a list of some things that haven't gone right for you recently. For instance;

-Aqua Teen Hunger Force is getting canceled
-I haven't been hugged in forever
-Trees suck
-I once ate some really good ice cream, and thinking about it makes me sad
-I don't know why I'm sad, even though I just made a list of causes

Follow that up with some worries/questions for the future, usually relating to what made you sad in the previous paragraph;

-Will they ever bring ATHF back?
-Will I ever get hugged the way they get hugged on tv?
-Will trees ever stop sucking?
-Will I ever find such ice cream again?
-Will I ever stop listing things that make me sad, then wondering what makes me sad?

Then you have to ask if you'll ever fit in or be understood;

-Will I ever fit in or be understood?

Then say something about something in society being unfair;

-I'm tired of being expected to be something
-Once again, there are no more diet cokes in the fridge

One usually has to include a happy moment that keeps life worth living;

-They're making commercials with the Snuggle Bear again

Then something good about the past;

-I was always happy watching the Muppets. Maybe I'll go live with them

And to end it off, throw in some song lyrics;

Colours Of The World
Spice Up Your Life
Every Boy And Every Girl
Spice Up Your Life
People Of The World
Spice Up Your Life
Aahh

Slam It To The Left
If You're Havin' A Good Time
Shake It To The Right
If You Know That You Feel Fine
Chicas To The Front
Huh Huh And Go Round

And there you go.

Date:	2004-08-27 11:29
Subject:	Get Out of Work Free Card
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic
Music:	Library patrons pissing me off

I had the greatest idea ever. As per usual. You people are so lucky that I tell you all about this shit. Seriously, I should be getting some thank-you cards.

So I wrote earlier about how we should institute a zombie alert scale-whatever to deal with increased zombie threat. In the same writing, I mentioned the impotence of the current "Terror Alert System." But I've finally come up with a use for it. And it involves getting out of work. And I can't think of a nobler cause.

So this is my idea. The "Terror Alert Level" is usually raised towards the end of the week, which serves mainly to fuck up our weekend plans. Instead of letting it ruin your vacation plans, use it to increase the maximum fun output of your weekend. Basically, whenever the Alert Level is raised, I'm gonna start calling into work and saying that I can't come in.

Now you see, libraries are one of the most grass-roots representations of America. They're built on the principles of free speech, expression, and the freedom to read and learn about whatever you want. So it only stands to reason that if there were to be another attack, especially one on the American ideal, libraries would be a potential target. Therefore, if the alert is raised, I shouldn't be made to go where I don't feel safe.

And it's fail-safe. In today's society, where your "patriotism" and "level of terrorist support" is judged by whether or not you support a man who the majority of voters didn't even elect, all you have to do to get someone nervous is question them about anything that can be interpreted as a critical belief. Here's an example:

Me: (On phone) Hey boss, I don't think I can come in today.
Boss: Why not James? Feeling sick?
M: No, it's just that the terror alert level has been raised, so I don't think it's safe to come in.
B: James, this is the 5th time this month. Don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic?
M: Not when my personal safety is at risk.
B: I seriously doubt that the Lexington Public Library is a target.
M: Hey, that terror alert is for AMERICA, not just a few cities. What, are you against America?
B: No, I just-
M: Are you against the President?
B: Now you're just-
M: Do you support the terrorists?
B: James-
M: Cause if I come in today, the terrorists win. And you can't fire me for not showing up, cause this is an issue of safety in the workplace.
B: Fine James, stay home. But you do realize that you haven't had a paycheck in a month because you actually believe that thing.
M: Are you saying that you don't?
B: That's right, I don't.
(Door busts open, men in suits and guns rush in the boss's office)
Agents: Boss, we're from the Heimatssicherheitsabteilung. Come with us, please.

Hey, it could happen. Except maybe that last part. Or not. I'm no Orwell.

But it's true that they can't fire me. Or at least it should be. Cause if they do, I really could make a Federal Case out of it. You know, like your smart-ass elementary school teachers used to say when they really wanted a scotch and soda. And even if I couldn't make said Federal Case, I could at least get some support from OSHA.

So try it out. Have a three-day weekend. Go to the beach. It's our government, let's use it to our advantage.

Ok, so for some odd reason a lot of people don't believe me when I tell them that I am better than they are. Well, here's some proof.

http://www.fvza.org/askdrp.html

There it is, in black and white. That's my question, bitches. Read it and weep. Dr. Pecos answered MY, not YOUR, question. He obviously recognizes awesomeness when he sees it, which is more than I can say for most of you.

So use this as an educational experience. First, you have more proof that I'm awesome. Although I have serious doubts about the literacy of those who didn't think that I was all that great to begin with. Secondly, you now know the stances of the candidates regarding zombie DNA testing. This, in my book, could make or break a candidate's platform. In this respect, I have to lend my support to Kerry. Research must be continued. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. In the instance of zombie attack, our greatest enemy is ignorance.

Ok, I'm out. Time to go campaign. Some folks only vote anti-capital punishment or pro-life. I'm staunchly anti-zombie.

Anyone from the University of Kentucky's Honors Program, 1999-2000, remember a little professor named Dr. Peter Dendle? I mean little, the guy stood at about 5'0.

http://www.allthingszombie.com/interviews/dendle_mar04.php

That's right bitch. He's written what could quite possibly be the second greatest book on zombies ever, after "The Zombie Survival Guide" (buy it, bitch - http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1400049628/qid=1090474929/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/002-2575059-9000829 ). While you're at it, get Dr. Dendle's book as well. It's certainly to be an excellent zombie resource.

I'm pissed about this for three reasons. Firstly, we have this book in the library, and I haven't picked it up yet. Secondly, I was in the presence of zombie greatness, and never knew it. Thirdly, this man could have been instrumental in the establishment of the College of Zombie Studies.

Seriously, this guy should have taught a course on zombies. A proseminar or something. To graduate from the Honors Program at UK, you have to do a bigass project or take a proseminar, and I would have been all over this one. Or at least have discussed zombies in the class. Sure, Olde English lit is fun and all, but give me zombies any day of the week. Fuck Beowulf. I can sum that up in two words - pissing contest.

I find it rather convenient that I was exposed to this so soon after writing about how we need zombie alert systems. This is the kind of stuff we need, a comprehensive source of research material. I highly recommend reading the interview, the man knows his stuff. Good luck, Dr. Dendle. And thank you.

Sunday, 11 July, 2004. Ground Zero- Lawrenceburg, Kentucky = Potential End of World As We Know It?

It almost happened people.

As I was driving back home to Lawrenceburg on Sunday, there was a hazardous material spill on the Bluegrass Parkway, a major strech of road that connects the cities of Lexington and Elizabethtown, and all points in between. And it almost became a 72 mile stretch of death.

Now, it wasn't the spilled hazardous materials that worried me so much. There were plenty of trucks around, and they seemed to have the situation under control. They set up a detour and all that, and you couldn't even see the spill from the roadblock. The main thing I was concerned with, obviously, was the possibility of this accident becoming a mechanism for zombie infestation.

And if the people of Lawrenceburg became zombies, I honestly don't think I would be able to tell. They'd probably drool less though.

So I got to thinking. Sure, I'd probably hear something on the local news that night about it, but this was about 3 in the afternoon. What kind of info was I going to get until then? If zombies are being created by whatever means (again, I lament the lack of funding for zombie research. We're pretty sure that the zombie infection is transferred by means of microorganisms through bites or open wounds, but the microscopic mutation has to start somewhere. Hazardous materials spills seem to be a prime candidate.), there should be some kind of warning to the general public of the area, much like severe weather warnings that cut into TV and radio programs. A warning that shows/tells the general area of possible contamination, zombie characteristics, and advice on staying home and blocking up your residence.

We need something like this for situations like the one I found myself in on Sunday. Thankfully we're in a rural area, but I was still keeping a lookout from the house, and I watched the news for the next few days for stories about strange attacks on emergency response personel. Sadly, they're usually the first affected. Again, from a lack of zombie-related research and education. And I can almost certainly guarantee you that I was the only such person keeping such a vigil of their own accord. Had there been an outbreak, the results would have been disastrous. Thousands of people, not knowing that the sound at their door very well might be the sound of their own undeath. And by the time your face is being chewed off, it's far too late.

Why don't we have a zombie warning system? We have a terribly impotent "Terrorism Alert" color scale thing. So there's a higher risk of terrorism around the holidays, and on weekends. How am I supposed to respond to that? Not leave the house? Aren't these the same people who, two and a half years ago, were telling us "If we don't go on normally, the terrorists win"? Is the Terror Alert Scale a hidden form of surrender?

The Zombie Alert System won't be. Hell no. If someone is building a pipe bomb in Afghanistan, I can't do that much about it. If someone gets up on my plane and starts screaming for everyone to shut up or die, I can help stab him with a pen or something. But if I hear that zombies are afoot, I can at least lock the doors and board the windows. And start building a fire. Fire is an exceptional zombie retardant. You know, do something preventative that actually works. A former teacher of mine was fond of saying "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Or, in this case, worth a pound of your own digested flesh.

Date:	2004-06-27 14:00
Subject:	Fairs.
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	The Beverly Hillbillies on Comedy Central.

Thanks to everyone who filled out the quiz. Sadly, none of you were as awesome as I am. But what were you expecting?

Finally, an update for you people. In the last month, I've been living here in Lawrenceburg at my dad's house. The promise I made to myself years ago of never returning to the Burg has been broken. I blame the economy. At least the 2 months old computer my dad bought is full of viruses. So fixing it gives me something to do. People who write viruses should be drug out in the street and shot in front of their mother. But here's the real entry.

County fairs rule. People who don't like them suck.

The best summer vacation I ever had was a few years ago, when I got a list of fairs that were going on around the state of Kentucky, and spent the weekends driving around. I saw Jackyll in concert, ate a whole chicken, and was surrounded by neo-nazi bikers. And that was all at the same fair.

Fairs are a gold mine of stick-mounted foods. I've eaten chicken teriyaki, various kinds of barbeque, and cheesecake, all on sticks. This summer, my goal is to eat deep-fried twinkies. Maybe even a deep-fried Snickers bar, if I can find it. I haven't had any luck this summer, I'm thinking that I'll have to hit the state fair for that one. But that won't be a problem. I've decided that when I go back to grad school, I'm going to spend the summer as a carnie.

I went to my own county fair last night, the Anderson County Fair. So far, in a month of living here, it's the only reason I've left the house, short of going to Lexington. My reasons for the excursion reach beyond stick-mounted foods, scary carnies, mullet hunting, single-bolt construction rides, and our somehow state-renowned horse showing arena. Even though we have such wonderful rides as the "Crazy Bus", a bus that goes up and down, in a circular movement. And let me tell you, it's CRAAAAZY. I usually ride it about 3 times, or however long it takes for the carnie running the ride to develop an obvious dislike for me. However, as crazy as said bus is, there is a better reason to go. You see, every year the Anderson County powers that be succeed in bringing a more bizarre main attraction to the fair. Let me run down a list of the various attractions, and their respective years.

2000- Semi-professional wrestling
2001- Oil wrestling, involving strippers from Lexington
2002- Diving Pig exhibition
2003- Did not attend, still trying to get over the diving pigs

And this year, in the summer of 2004...

Elvis.

Elvis was at our state fair. Actually, he was an Elvis impersonator. But he had the pelvic movements down pat. And he was performing on a converted tobacco wagon. And he was Mexican. You can't make that stuff up. I can't wait to see what they'll bring next year. Perhaps pigs, dressed as Elvis, who dive. Actually, the pigs didn't so much dive as much as they were run to the end of a board. Gravity took over then, aided by a swimming pool. If this sounds suspiciously like walking the plank, then that makes it even more awesome. Cause pirates did that, and pirates kick ass.

Fairs rule. Only 364 or so more days until the next one here. Other than that, Anderson County sucks.